Women, and their attraction to jerks.

[VivaciousDeimos]

Ok, I'm gonna quote my favorite blogger (Cleolinda) on this one because I love her explanation:

"I actually don't think girls like a guy who treats them bad. But I do think they--we--get off a little on the idea of changing someone for the better, or the idea of having the power that someone loves us so much that he'll change or sacrifice something for us. (I don't have the patience for fixer-uppers in real life--if I'm going to be with you, I want you to be a fully formed, fully actualized self before I get there--but I'm a sucker for the trope in literature.) A nice guy doesn't need to change, and, most importantly, he's already nice to everyone. How do you know that you're special if he treats everyone else with as much kindness and respect as he treats you? The "bad boy" type, though? He may range from simple, garden-variety jackhole (hello, Sawyer!) to appalling psychopath (hello, Dr. Lecter!), but you know he loves you because he's completely different around you. You are an exception to his very nature."

I think it's that last bit that really hits home and is the root of a lot of the attraction. That you are the one special enough to change him, that you're different and he isn't just using you like other women he's been with.

But the problem, as she goes on to say, and I agree, that as nice as this is in literature or other media, it doesn't hold true in real life. You find yourself with the "bad boy" and realize he isn't going to change for you, and I think a lot of girls go through a phase where they're attracted to this type, learn the lesson, and move on.

 

[zombiejoe]

Women have the same faults as men, which is why we need a MENS activists group.

 

[Cody211282]

As wise man one told me

"Girls like it when your nice to them, but they also like it when your a bit of a dick, so mix it up a little."


cookie for whoever gets it.

Red Vs Blue... Am i correct? (just a vague memory i have of Tucker)

Yep, RvB season 5, episode 94, and it's Tucker is imparting all his knowledge onto his son(sadly I have probably watched more RvB then anything else).

 

[Regna]

Yah know I was that Kinda guy who was shy and Nice but I took the step forward and now, Im married to that girl so yeah..grow some balls and ask her out..

 

[TheLefty]

I'm the "nice guy" without being a loser.
My girlfriend loves it.
You just have to find the right person.

QFT.

You forgot the nice, slightly dorky in the funny way, girl.

Those girls are awesome. I'm dating one right now. Also, *massive generalization for humor's sake* they are all total freaks in the sack.

Yes, yes we are. thanks for noticing.

I saw your disclaimer earlier in the thread, that this isn't meant to apply to ALL girls. ... but people keep applying it like that.

Personally, I'd reverse the question and ask why guys seem to be attracted to the bitches. You know the ones.

I have never been attracted to a jerk for anything more than physicality. Yeah, they can be hot. But I much prefer the nice guys, as does pretty much every girl I know.

My boyfriend is a 'nice guy'. And I'm the lucky 'nice girl' who managed to catch his eye.

In my experience, we who call ourselves "nice guys" are usually only attracted to the bitches physically, similar to how you say you're only physically attracted to the jerks. We'll notice the boobs, then move on to someone actually worth our time. The only people I can recall seriously going for said "*****" is said "jerk". That way the world is balanced. As opposed to many girls who are truly nice but subject themselves to jerks.

Though, I may be biased, because of course in liking the girl the guy (me in this case) will probably over look a few negative features.

 

[Spinozaad]

In the land of getting laid, confidence is king.

Dating/seducing/hooking up is, more than anything, a ritual and game. You don't want it too easy, which 'nice guys' make it to be. They shower, in what is probably their own insecurity, a girl with attention. Which women like.

However, they want their own prize to be won, not given to them.

-edit-

Let's visualize it this way:

You're a girl, who gets showered with attention by your best male friend of whom you know likes you, but you ALSO get the EXCLUSIVE attention of this really amazing confident guy. Why would you go solely for the former when you have his attention anyway?

That's the way the cookie crumbles, kids.

 

[LordWalter]

DISCLAIMER: This doesn't apply to all girls, but a lot of the ones I know. Also, I'm in high school. So my pool is a bit shallow, but I hear similar stories from my mother about a few of her friends.

So, I just read the facebook status of a woman scorned, stating how much she hates this guy and blah blah because he hurt her. This status ended with "Guy are all the same." Correction. Guys girls like are all the same.

The point of this topic is to try and understand why girls seem to be attracted to the "bad boys" and then blame the guy when they hurt them. I like to think I'm a nice guy, a bit of a nerd though, but then these jerks (guys you can tell are jerks just by looking at them) are the ones who get the girls, often to fulfill their jerkish appearance by, well, being a jerk. Now, being a high school student, I hear many stories. In the last year alone I've heard this similar story 4 times (only counting first person stories), from different girls, 2 of which I had liked at the time. I've heard stories of cheating, stories of arguments, these guys using them for sex, just about the only thing (thank god) is physical abuse.

So I ask you, the wonderful women of the Escapist, why? Why are you (or your friends) so attracted to these guys, when are so many more good guys out there who won't hurt you (or your friends). Someone please help my understand this.

*puts on shades, lights cigarette* Sorry, I'd respond to your post but my keyboard is blocked my several naked women begging for me to devalue them as human beings. brb.

 

[armaina]

Well, some would say that the attraction is to the assertiveness, not the 'bad boy' part. The problem is that many of those that are assertive also jerks, it seems to be rare that someone who is assertive is also kind. For a lot of 'nice guys' they have no passion, no confidence and no assertiveness. This is usually due to low self esteem.

The attraction to this aggression or assertiveness can often be related to many women's need for protection or need to feel a sense of security. For those that are weak willed and lack confidence, to some women this translates as a person that they have to take care of, like a younger brother, not someone that can protect them. And well, most women wouldn't want to date someone that reminded them of a younger brother. Obviously this does not apply to all women, but this is just one explanation.

You also have women with the 'fixer' mentality that seem to be attracted to the fantasy of being able to turn the bad guy around and make him realize the error of his ways in a woman whom he will then immediately protect and love. This of course, is a completely delusional notion, and it can take a few years and heartaches for some women to finally realize this.

So what does all this mean to you 'nice guys' out there? Be confident. Not arrogant, just confidant. Besides, if you are more confident in yourself, this can also help your life as a whole. In the job environment, showing confidence, but not arrogance, shows you are a go-getter, that you are an achiever. And the first step, is to not let a little thing like self esteem get in your way.

 

[TheLefty]

snip

*puts on shades, lights cigarette* Sorry, I'd respond to your post but my keyboard is blocked my several naked women begging for me to devalue them as human beings. brb.

[sarcasm]Thanks for advancing the conversation. [/sarcasm]

 

[JBojangles]

As wise man one told me

"Girls like it when your nice to them, but they also like it when your a bit of a dick, so mix it up a little."


cookie for whoever gets it.

Bow chika bow wow, amiright?

 

[rsvp42]

Because "Nice Guy" means BORING usually. Agree with everything she says? Buy her gifts? Keep telling her how beautiful she is? If she's hot, she's seen it all before and even moderately hot girls are probably looking for some excitement and romance. The guys you're complaining about--the douchebags, assholes, and meatheads--are attractive not because they're full of themselves and have anger issues; they're attractive because they take chances and stick to their guns. They won't bend over backwards for every girl they meet because they have the confidence that they can just find another. So be confident, don't invest all your emotions in every girl you ever try to ask out, ask out women you don't know well. Oh and have a life, too. Be passionate about something (not just her), that's pretty attractive too.

Challenge her in some way. Make fun of her a little. Take her places she hasn't been and make her feel like she needs YOUR approval and not the other way around. Be funny, make her laugh. That's the biggest thing. The rest is just hygiene and fitness.

This advice is as much for me as anyone else. It's stuff I'm still working on too, but unfortunately, there isn't really a shallow end to get used to. Not usually. Eventually we all gotta take the plunge.

 

[2012 Wont Happen]

People in high school are, by and large, rebels without causes. So, instead of finding a cause to rebel for, they just rebel against their parents wishes for them to be happy and unimpregnated and such. Due to this, they find a person that nobody out of high school but the most determined masochist would subject themselves to, to allow themselves to feel like a rebel for doing it.

If rebelling against their own happiness is what gets them off- fine by me. I don't understand it, but I don't understand Japan either, and I'm not about to pull a Nick Levasseur.

 

[Burningsok]

As wise man one told me

"Girls like it when your nice to them, but they also like it when your a bit of a dick, so mix it up a little."


cookie for whoever gets it.

Red Vs Blue... Am i correct? (just a vague memory i have of Tucker)

lol holy crap I remembered Tuckers voice and then I imaged him saying that. You know what I do remember him saying that.

 

[WillyDJ]

The sad fact is that you, your classmates and almost everybody you'll ever meet is an ape. For all that we go on about 'intelligence' and 'individuality' we actually are as predictable as a zerg rush.

Take yourself. At 14 it's a safe bet that you are at the bottom rung in social status. You are also physically immature, have limited resources, undeveloped social skills and are displaying physical symptoms that advertise all these.
There are various strategies to deal with this problem.

1. Sweat it out - High school is a wierd, bizzaro environment that acts to retard your development as an adult so that you have a chance of learning something. If it's artificial social ladder is holding you back there's little to do but wait for the nanosecond after you enrol in a university, trade school or apprenticeship. It vanishes like so much illusionary goop. And so do half your status problems. I recommend university. Sure, 1st year undergraduate is still very low status but there's a certain egalitarian shagability to it.

2. Get a status symbol. The number one status symbol for teens is the car. Owning a car demonstrates you have sufficient availiable resources to own and run the damn thing. You get to transport you and your friends to a wider range of social opportunities (hint, with girls). Note that 'own car' is higher on the status totem than 'car parents bought and maintain for me'.

3. Get a job. It will suck. It will be demeaning. No-one wants 'fries with that'. It however provides you with money which you should spend on some relatively expensive advertising. This is called 'conspicuous consumption'. 'I have spent hard-earned cash on worthless frippery I therefore may have cash to spend on you'. Having a job also advertises you have drive and goals, which also impresses.

4. Advertise your brains. Braininess is a very sexy thing in ape-world. Being a human you undoubtedly have an extra helping of brains. Find a way to show them off to society in general and the female half of it in specific. Forming a garage band is the traditional method. Musical ability requires a fair amount of brain. Being Dungeonmaster, notsomuch, unless your gaming circle has odd demographics

 

[CloakedOne]

girls are attracted to assholes. WOMEN are not because they've eventually learned that what they want is not an over-confident, testosterone-driven jerk. For now, though, most "nice" guys will have to deal with it until college. That's when the tide change (for more intelligent females, anyway). In short: it's a confidence thing; women like guys who are confident and that's a whole lot of what assholes have. Many women find that hot. It sucks for guys that are great for them but don't have a lot of confidence.

Can I ask one question out of curiosity. Why is it always the male's task to do the courting and never the female?

A very good question, I often wonder that myself. Ladies, if you like a guy, why not tell him and ask him out? That way you don't have to wait around and you can take matters into your own hands and take what you like! Just a thought.Tradition is nice for some things but that one is pretty much devolved into a sexist leftover from the days of yore.

 

[Dr. wonderful]

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/why-women-really-do-love-selfobsessed-psychopaths-850007.html

This article...read it.

 

[Grounogeos]

Here's how I see it:
Jerks kill the self-esteem and confidence of the non-jerks and also tend to make them out like the worst people you could possibly have any sort of social interactions with.

Non-jerks then don't see any point in trying to get a girl to notice them because they figure it's just a waste of time.

Girls see that nobody likes the non-jerks and the non-jerks don't put much/any effort into it, so the jerks look more appealing.

Jerk ends up hurting the girl and deserves to be locked in a room with a honey badger for being such an asshole.

 

[TehJammers]

Oh by the way, bag girls out about minor stuff only, like Twilight and trashy tv series.
Don't bring up religion unless you're SURE they're an atheist, and don't bag out somebody's taste in music.
Ever.
Seriously that's a crucial part of somebody's identity right there and they'll feel hurt rather than teased.