World Headlines

[Ronmarru]

I've been lurking here ever since Zero Punctuation started and I figured my first post should be something interesting. The game is called World Headlines. Your job is to write a sentence-long headline based on an imaginary world based on the real world (short article optional). I know this sounds confusing (I'm a crappy writer), so here's an example:

August 17, 2008: President Bush chokes on pretzel
August 18, 2008: Pretzel Co. CEO detained in Guantanamo Bay on charges of treason.

And so on and so forth, maybe including a drop in pretzel stocks leading to an economic crash. The tone should keep political but I don't care if it drifts to celebrities or whatnot. Try to continue the story of previous posts to create a completely new world!

 

[TheGhostOfSin]

Spoiler: Sorry I couldn't help it

August 18, 2008: TheGhostOfSin saves a thread with potential from the dark abyss that is page 2

August 19, 2008: Worldwide panic over extremely slow news day.

 

[Ronmarru]

Wow....This isn't going the way I thought it would.

August 19, 2008: Worldwide panic over extremely slow news day.

August 20, 2008: Jim Doe killed today in apparent homicide.
August 21, 2008: Reporter Bob Smith covers the death of his former co-anchor, Jim Doe.

 

[thebobmaster_v1legacy]

August 22, 2008: Bob Smith's full name revealed to be Robert Schmidt.
August 23, 2008: Robert Schmidt forced to flee the country under Nazi allegations.

 

[super_smash_jesus]

August 24, 2008: Robert Schmidt allowed back in country, on technicality that he is distantly related to Oprah
August 25, 2008: Oprah sues Government and wins, America to become Canadas 10th province

 

[wesdabigman]

August 24th, 2008: $100,000,000 bounty placed on Robert Schmidt's head, dead or alive

EDIT: shoot, never mind this

 

[The_Heretic]

August 26th,2008: A band of formerly American radicals storms the Canadian Government.

 

[Spartan Bannana]

August 19th 2008: Spartan Bannana wonders why Darth Mobius harbors an undying hate for Thebobmaster

 

[The_Heretic]

August 19th 2008: Thebobmaster is found to be the biggest plagiarist on the Escapist

Really Mobius Do you have to be that petty?

 

[thebobmaster_v1legacy]

Ignore it, Heretic. At this point, I highly doubt anyone outside of the SDP is listening to him.

August 27, 2008: The Canadians respond by "eh"ing them back to the U.S.

 

[The Anti Noob]

August 29th, 2008: An american mariachi group kills the people who "eh"'d the american radicals with a terrible rendition of "Run to the Hills" by Iron Maiden.
August 30th, 2008: Mariachi group put in "Time Out" by Canadian Government.

 

[Ronmarru]

August 31, 2008: Mexican radicals storm prison to free mariachi group.
September 1, 2008: Irish bagpipe group hired by Canadians to recapture mariachi group.