Would you resent someone for no attending a funeral?

[Lufia Erim]

Funerals suck. Well all know that. But most people attend them for serveral reasons. Some to say a final goodbye, other out of respec, most out of obligation.

I personally have been lucky enough to not have had to attend a funeral yet in my life. I am 28, and no one in my family has passed yet since i have been born. My grandmother is pushing 100, my aunts/ uncles are nearing 80. And my cousins range from 20-55(ballpark). Any funerals that was had was before i was born. That and i was lucky enough to not have any friends/ acquaintances die in accidents or illness.

I have however, decided that i kind of don't believe in the whole ceremony of funerals. I find them to be a waste of money, as well as a depressing event altogether. Despite having never attended one, i could pretty much peice together how it goes down. The only funeral i would attend would be that of my current fianc?e if tragedy were to happen, but i am hoping i die before she does, and my show of presence would probably be more for her family than for me.

I'm just curious as to how much offense people would take from someone not attending a funeral. Is it social suicide? Is it understandable under certain certain circumstances? Is it one of those things people don't question and just do? How would you react if someone you previously got along with sent their condolences but didn't show up to the funeral of someone you cared about but was invited to?

As a side note, I've discussed with my fianc?e that i would not like to have a funeral and want my body to be donated to science. And made sure it's in my will. What actually happens after I die i don't have any control over.

 

[Avnger]

Unless there's a specific reason for not attending, it would be entirely fair to resent people who don't visit at least the wake of a deceased family member or friend. Wakes and funerals are about honoring the one who passed away and purposely skipping both shows a lack of respect. Being personally uncomfortable shouldn't factor into the equation because the events aren't about you; they're held for the person who died and their loved ones who remain.

tldr: Not showing up to a funeral and/or wake you're invited to without a direct conflicting reason (ie: travel, other significant events, etc) will be most likely taken, rightfully so, as you caring more about your own sensitivities than your friend/family.

Asking for not having a funeral for yourself is an entirely different situation. That's pretty much "you do you."

 

[Dirty Hipsters]

Pretty much what Avnger said.

Think about the person who died, would they have wanted you to go to their funeral? If the answer is yes then fucking go, it's the last thing you're ever going to have to do for them.

 

[Zontar]

To me it's pretty much ditto to what the others said but with the addition of relation to said person being an important factor. No one fault's you for not showing up to the funeral of someone who's connection to you is being your mother's aunt, who is still family but you aren't exactly that close to them. I use that as an example because over the past decade quite a few of my extended family have passed away due to their generation being at that age and I've only made the 500 mile trip for two of them (grandparents) since I wasn't really close enough to any of the others for such a long journey to be warranted.

 

[Lufia Erim]

Unless there's a specific reason for not attending, it would be entirely fair to resent people who don't visit at least the wake of a deceased family member or friend. Wakes and funerals are about honoring the one who passed away and purposely skipping both shows a lack of respect. Being personally uncomfortable shouldn't factor into the equation because the events aren't about you; they're held for the person who died and their loved ones who remain.

tldr: Not showing up to a funeral and/or wake you're invited to without a direct conflicting reason (ie: travel, other significant events, etc) will be most likely taken, rightfully so, as you caring more about your own sensitivities than your friend/family.

Asking for not having a funeral for yourself is an entirely different situation. That's pretty much "you do you."

Thats fair. As far as i can tell no one actually enjoys these events. Yet tradition and social normes oblige us to attend. Add the fact that the person in question will not be able to see it. It seems kind of, pointless if im being honest. But like i said i haven't really experienced death first hand so I'm pretty much just shooting blindly in the dark so to speak. I just don't like the idea of going to a place and watching people cry and reminisce ( or do so myself). I guess it would be for some sort of closure or finality. I guess im still pretty immature.

 

[Dalisclock]

I'm gonna go with the "Is it reasonable to expect someone to make it to the funeral?". If someone on the other side of the country dies and you totally can't afford to fly out there for the funeral, I'd say that's a reasonable exception. Especially if you were taking what oppurtunites you could to visit them during their last years.

I wasn't able to attend any of my grandparents funerals because I was deployed overseas at the time in the US Navy(and grandparents weren't considered by the military to be reasons to grant emergency leave). I hope that nobody held it against me that I couldn't make it. I know that my parents didn't hold it against me.

 

[Silentpony_v1legacy]

Honestly, funerals are so...dramatic. Its just drama and sadness. Why is there just one day to mourn the passing of a loved one?
A few years back a dear friend of mine killed himself. Completely out of the blue, he had been engaged, loved his in-laws, had a good job, etc...then one day...

I was on vacation. A different continent. Half way around the world. 3 days from my scheduled return. And I kept to my schedule.

Love him, but A. He would have wanted me to finish my vacation, and B. I paid for this. Refunds weren't an opinion.

Call me a callous ass, but money is tight. I don't budget for funerals every month. I was away! I wasn't planning a death. And its not fair to just expect everyone to drop what they're doing, and $1000+ on a random weekend to attend a funeral.

Christ if I kick the bucket, I'd consider it great if my dad attended my funeral. Anyone else is just a bonus, and if you spend more than a weekend stay at a Night's Motel, you've spent too much.

I'm dead. Go fuck a pornstar and get a beer!!

 

[Elijin]

It's a loaded issue.

Obviously, as has been mentioned multiple times, if it costs a lot, its potentially just not reasonable. No one is (should be) expecting you to put yourself in financial woes to attend a funeral.

Yes, it's a social construct to show respect, which can be a bit meaningless given the key person isn't around to appreciate it. But...so? Lots of things we do in the name of socialisation and respect are meaningless gestures, why are we suddenly drawing the line? In some places funerals will be dull sad occasions, others take the idea of celebrating the deceased's life very literally. And believe me, the show of respect to someone passed doesn't end there, the immediate loved ones surviving them are getting about 80% of that respect. You're showing those left behind that their family was loved and they've left a legacy.

Not to mention, support. The day may be meaningless for you, but it isn't to everyone. And your presence to lean on may mean the world to them. And its not unfathomable that they're going to resent you for not being there for them.

All that said... funerals can be hard. They can be too much, they can touch or combine with existing issues to be totally unmanageable. It is okay to sit them out if its too much. Presumably you're communicating with those close and they understand, and those not close? Lets be honest, there's always that one great aunt or twice removed step something who doesn't like you anyway, they're going to take this and add it to their ammunition against you, but who cares, fuck them.

Personally I cant do funerals in a proper sense. My mothers best friend passed when I was 12, her and her daughter essentially lived with us, so it hit hard. On the day, I did not want to be there, but I spent the whole day at the side of her daughter holding her hand, helping her keep it together while the parades of barely known extended family buzzed around her. It left its marks, but I was there for someone who needed me, so eh.

Since then I avoid funerals, if unavoidable I will find some way to be involved but not. Last one I went to, I took all the small children out and babysat for the duration. Its important to remember that when being there is what counts, you can be there in many capacities.

 

[Kyrian007]

Yes, missing a funeral is a terrible dick move. But I also dislike funerals. I live in an area with a lot of relatives in the general area... many of them distant enough that I may have seen them once or twice in my life or haven't run across them for a decade or so. Yet because my mom is kind of the extended family matriarch, I'm always invited to the funeral. And although I have no problems going to a funeral if it is someone who I see often or is in my immediate family, I've found with the more distant relatives... I tend to make an excuse. But I'm an adult... and am not part of the independently wealthy with all the time in the world to do whatever. Therefore I have literally all the excuses I'd need. I have to work, something big happening that day and can't miss it, promised I'd cover someone else's shift, out of vacation days, boss is being a dick... literally anything.

 

[bluegate]

Funerals suck. Well all know that.

I personally have been lucky enough to not have had to attend a funeral yet in my life.

Funny that.

Funerals aren't as "bad" as you make them out to be, regarding attending them that is, you're pretty much on the nose about them being too expensive. A funeral usually just is sitting in a church for 30 or so minutes, giving a nod of compassion and understanding to the close relatives as you pass them in walking and maybe standing outside for a bit as the casket is being lowered into the ground and that's pretty much it.

The suck part is where a person you know and you interacted with is suddenly not around anymore, not the ceremony surrounding their burial.

As for the question of the topic, yes, if they don't provide a proper reason then I would resent people for not showing up to a funeral that they have been invited to.

 

[Saelune]

This is one big ol bag of "context matters". David Spade did not go to Chris Farley's funeral cause he could not bare to see his best friend in a box.

I also dont think people should be coerced into going to funerals if they dont care about the person.

I think people should be allowed to mourn for people in their own way. Plus I dont put value in tradition and ceremony.

Honestly, I kind of want to plan my own funeral. Presuming I get to die happy and have lots of people who care about me (instead of dying bitter and spiteful), I'd rather they celebrate my life than be saddened. If I was a stand-up comedian, Id pre-record a bit to air, making my funeral my "Going away tour".

 

[Neurotic Void Melody]

It does depend on many variables. There are more ways to pay respects than just one planned traditional meeting to watch a symbolic box get buried. A person can be grieved, celebrated and appreciated many times after their death. A family i know throws a party each year to celebrate the life of one of their recently deceased members, because the person happened to be such a joyous, outgoing, positive influence through their lives, they prefer to focus on that method of remembrance. No single ceremony that everybody has one chance to attend, then it's forgotten about forever afterwards.


A slight tangential​ vid, but anything death related stimulates me to throw more death related shit at people. [small]It excites me dearly...[/small]

 

[Saint of M]

Either the Aithiests are right and I will enter Oblivion, or the Dissts are right, so i will go ahead and do the lords work and Hit on Joan of Ark while I'm there.

 

[Death Carr]

not in my opinion, no

I didn't want to go to my grand fathers funeral
not out of any kind of dis respect for a man I had loved an admired my entire life
but because the last time I saw him before he died he was sitting in his chair in his living room watching Home and Away with his wife
and that is something I had seen hundreds of times and is something I'll never forget
I didn't want to go to the funeral because I didn't want to ruin that image of him with a bunch of people i'd never met crying around a featureless brown box
I went anyway, because I doubt my mother would have forgiven me

But I never think a funeral is something you must attend
it is inherently designed for people to mourn the dead, and I think forcing people to attend out of some manufactured "respect" to the dead is the wrong thing

 

[SmallHatLogan]

People grieve in different ways. If going to a funeral helps you with the grieving process, go for it. If it makes things more difficult for you, don't put yourself through it. If you spend your time at a funeral getting worked up about someone being "disrespectful" because they didn't make a token appearance your priorities might be a bit off.

The main exception would be if you need to be there for moral support. Like if your significant other's parent died but you weren't very close to them so you decide to skip the funeral then yeah, total dick move.

 

[Catfood220]

I have personal experience of this. Basically my dad died just over 2 years ago. While organising the funeral, we kept his parents and other family informed as to what was going on were told that a couple would be travelling up to represent his family on the day.

About a week before the funeral, my drunk grandfather rang my mum and had a go at her for not having a religious service for him. My dad was not religious, but his family are. We organised the funeral as he would of wanted and nobody else and this upset his family.

Come the the day of the funeral, not one member of his side of the family turned up. We think that his dad ordered people in his family not to go, which is such a dick move if he did. Even if he did not agree with the service we'd arranged for my dad, he still could of come or sent someone to represent him. It was his son after all. Myself and my brothers have pretty much disowned that side of the family. My mum gets a phone call about once a year from them, but she doesn't bother getting in touch with them.

 

[Borty The Bort]

I prefer to go to funerals because there are always cousins, aunts or uncles that I never really paid attention to, and I go to their wakes just to try and suss out who they really were. I look at photo, paintings, little ornaments, god-knows how many little hints I noticed that were intriguing. I went to someone's wake once and found a real fox fur darning the sofa. Not only is that badass, but it also made me realise that I was lying on top of a dead fox, and I sort of had a panic attack.

Fun times.

I don't know about the respect part, but my idea of respecting people is trying to understand who they were just from what they left lying around.