Would you resent someone for no attending a funeral?

[Ogoid]

Eh, I don't know. I guess I'd raise an eyebrow at anyone not attending a family funeral for no discernible reason, but then, hardly more than that; I'd certainly not resent them, not when I myself attend the damn things, if I'm being perfectly honest, solely out of a sense of duty.

I think funerals are a symbolic rite, and as such, may be useful and meaningful for some people and just pointless for others. Problem is, they're also a social convention, and as those tend to be, kinda hard to simply bail out on.

 

[bartholen_v1legacy]

I find them to be a waste of money, as well as a depressing event altogether.

Well how do you know if you've never attended one? Yes, you may have a perceived image of how the ceremony proceeds, but not of the atmosphere or how you feel, which can vary quite a lot. A child's funeral will always be depressing, but if it's for example your long ill grandmother you can feel relieved that she's finally allowed peace. My aunt has Alzheimer's, and I don't expect her to be around for more than 5 years. To boot, she refused the medication herself, and has on occasion exposed a rather nasty and racist side of herself. But I see myself as her grandson since she never had any children of her own, and I'm going to attend her funeral.

Of course things vary to a massive degree with an issue like this (example: http://www.click2houston.com/news/familys-brutal-obituary-for-galveston-man-raises-eyebrows), but I'll be brutally honest with you: yes, I would resent you for not attending a funeral for the reasons you laid out. Since you've never had someone in your close family pass away yet (lucky you) you don't know how it feels when those people are gone forever from your life. Funerals are a way to gain some degree of closure with them, as well as giving them a collective sendoff.

And even if you basically knew nothing about the person and met them like once every two years, you can always just take the opportunity to socialize in a more dignified setting (well, mostly). And there's usually cake.

But then again, I have a very small family tree on both sides, and haven't been to a funeral since I was 10. For someone with dozens of aunts, cousins etc. I can see how constant funerals might be wearisome.

 

[Remus]

Well, 2 of the last 4 relatives - close relatives - that died took their own lives. I have zero respect for suicides. It's selfish with little thought to what happens afterward. Every problem has a solution. The solution may be hard but it's still better than ending your problems forever. This reality, combined with the fact that I simply don't mourn, well, it'd be less respectful to go and not be in mourning than to not go and let people think "Oh he's dealing with it in his own way". In my family, I have more emotional attachment to dogs than I do the people around me. This is a result of years of mistreatment and abuse and many, many calls to the police. If love is truly unconditional, I have seen no sign of it. Will I miss them when they're gone? No. It's one less problem. Why then should I respect these strangers around me in death?

 

[Scarim Coral]

Personally, I wouldn't hold a grudge on that person whose didn't attend since it is a boring and sad thing to attend to (grandfather, great grandmother and grandmother so far).

Granted I know my relative would ask questions on why I didn't attend to anyone of my relative funerals, well to the ones I'm kinda close with (I don't think a couple of my younger cousins attended at my granmother funeral cos they are in their mother custody).

 

[DeliveryGodNoah_v1legacy]

No, but only because I don't view death as nearly a large of a deal as the massive funeral industry makes us all believe it is.

People deal with death differently, and forcing someone to do otherwise strikes me as even more shitty than simply not going.

Would my relatives be upset? Probably, but they're mostly dumb as dirt moralists who still believe that the woman should stay at home and the man go make the money, and are highly religious. (seriously, my mother ran out of my grandparents house crying because my great grandmother completely undermined her accomplishments and said she was a bad mother for not being a housewife).

It all greatly depends on how you handle death, I'd say. Myself personally, I'd rather be the last moment I saw someone was when they were happy and alive, and yes, I'm perfectly healthy mentally that I can know they are dead and aren't coming back. I don't need to see a tidied up corpse to know that.


However, if someone specifically asks me to go for their comfort, I would likely reconsider. Some people handle death better alongside someone they can trust.

 

[Samael Barghest]

It depends on the situation. When my great grandmother died, I had been living with her for nearly a decade. And truthfully, we hated eachother. But that's what happens when you have two people together that only care about themselves. I actually didn't plan to go to her funeral but ended up going simply because it was expected of me. Most people in my family knew we never saw eye-to-eye but still expected me to go. In the end, I regretted going. It was just a bunch of people crying over her and me sitting there like "she hated you. She hated you. Oh, she outrighted wanted to kill you. Please go ahead and keep calling her mum."

 

[kenu12345]

I find them to be a waste of money, as well as a depressing event altogether.

Well how do you know if you've never attended one? Yes, you may have a perceived image of how the ceremony proceeds, but not of the atmosphere or how you feel, which can vary quite a lot. A child's funeral will always be depressing, but if it's for example your long ill grandmother you can feel relieved that she's finally allowed peace. My aunt has Alzheimer's, and I don't expect her to be around for more than 5 years. To boot, she refused the medication herself, and has on occasion exposed a rather nasty and racist side of herself. But I see myself as her grandson since she never had any children of her own, and I'm going to attend her funeral.

Of course things vary to a massive degree with an issue like this (example: http://www.click2houston.com/news/familys-brutal-obituary-for-galveston-man-raises-eyebrows), but I'll be brutally honest with you: yes, I would resent you for not attending a funeral for the reasons you laid out. Since you've never had someone in your close family pass away yet (lucky you) you don't know how it feels when those people are gone forever from your life. Funerals are a way to gain some degree of closure with them, as well as giving them a collective sendoff.

And even if you basically knew nothing about the person and met them like once every two years, you can always just take the opportunity to socialize in a more dignified setting (well, mostly). And there's usually cake.

But then again, I have a very small family tree on both sides, and haven't been to a funeral since I was 10. For someone with dozens of aunts, cousins etc. I can see how constant funerals might be wearisome.

I'm sorry but going to the funeral you barely knowing to socialize and eat cake sounds worse than what he said. I rather someone not show up to my funeral

Original question, no I see no reason to resent someone. People have their own lives and their own ways of grieving and some people just can't handle it and honestly some people that show up at funerals are just distant relatives that have never met and will never care and honestly I find that more disrespectful. Funerals should be only for the truly close that can handle them. Social obligation is stupid cause it leads to much more disrespectful things.

 

[sneakypenguin]

I don't care if you don't show up but it is cool when people do. When my grandmother died in a hospital 500 miles from their normal home in florida I figured it would be kids+ us grandkids it was a small funeral but about 25 people came who used to work for my granddad(he was a vp for a old aviation/military company) (funeral was in city he worked out of) Not gonna lie seeing 20ish people willing do do anything (food, arrangements, help move and just be there and reminisce) was strangely touching. Not because it helped me (i don't really care if someone dies, sad for a day then its on with life) but because it really lifted my granddads spirits seeing old employees come out.

 

[Hawk of Battle]

not in my opinion, no

I didn't want to go to my grand fathers funeral
not out of any kind of dis respect for a man I had loved an admired my entire life
but because the last time I saw him before he died he was sitting in his chair in his living room watching Home and Away with his wife
and that is something I had seen hundreds of times and is something I'll never forget
I didn't want to go to the funeral because I didn't want to ruin that image of him with a bunch of people i'd never met crying around a featureless brown box
I went anyway, because I doubt my mother would have forgiven me

But I never think a funeral is something you must attend
it is inherently designed for people to mourn the dead, and I think forcing people to attend out of some manufactured "respect" to the dead is the wrong thing

I can get behind most of this (there's a lot of people above I also agree with on points, but I'm not gona quote the whole lot). My sis didn't want to go and see my grandad in the hospital the day before he died. Not because there was any ill will, but because she didn't want the last memory she had of him to be ruined by seeing him hooked up to a dozen different machines with an assortment of tubes poking out of him. I could respect that. (I did go in and see him though, he woke up very briefly but didn't say anything. Don't honestly know how conscious he was of anything at the time, but hopefully he knew we were there.) We both did go to the funeral though.

I'm also very aware of the fact my own dad is getting on a bit now and is not likely to live much longer. I have seen him maybe 5 times in the last 10-12 years, only ever in passing (I think the last time I ever spent any real time with him was my grandads funeral, come to think of it, about 14 years ago). I do not care for the man, at all. My sister still sees him a lot, I have nothing to do with him. For a while I would be roped in to giving my sister money so she could put towards birthday cards for him and such, now I don't even do that. I am increasingly unlikely to care about going to his funeral. No, I do not care what my family thinks of that decision.

As for funerals themselves, I've been to quite a few, friends and family. Most suck, because nearly all of them seem to be so overwhelmingly religious and spend all their time sermonising about god. God this, god that. Fuck off! I'm not here to praise god, I'm here to show some respect for people I actually cared about who are now dead, let's actually, you know, MOURN them, not talk about god all day. Yes, I am an atheist and I don't honestly believe in any sort of afterlife. Yes I recognise that these people may have been religious in life and wanted a religious funeral. But it's still THEIR funeral, not gods.

Sorry, rambled a bit there. tldr; no, people not turning up for a funeral is not a bad thing. The dead don't care, and maybe they have good reason to not turn up (not tarnishing memories, genuine dislike/apathy for the deceased, they don't care to be preached at for an hour, etc).

 

[kasperbbs]

It's mostly about giving support to the relatives of the diseased one and honoring his/her memory. If you don't show up without a valid reason then i would assume that you just didn't care enough to bother coming. But that only applies to the closest of relatives, we buried my uncle only with his sisters and their children showing up and that was fine, but then again he was a hopeless drunk who abandoned 4 of his children and nobody liked him.

 

[Mister K]

Well, we've just buried one of our close colleagues and my experience is still fresh, so here is what I can say on the subject.

Always act towards people the way you want them to act towards you. I want people to lead me out of this life in afterlife (if it exists, obviously, and I want to think that it does), so I will do the same to those that have passed before me.

Besides, in my humble opinion, it is simply proper and respectful to come and see the person you were close to for the last time.

If you don't attend the funeral because you don't know the person (or barely know them), then it's perfectly fine.

If you don't like the person, or hate them, and you don't come, it is fine.

If you do not attend the funeral because the ceremony will happen geographically too far away, then I can understand that (though brother and cousin of afformentioned deceased person came from other side of the country).

If you do not attend the funeral because there is something a lot more important, like for example being with your spouse after rather complicated surgery, then it is understandable.

If you do not come because you know that your heart will not be able to handle it, well, that is understandable too.

HOWEVER, if you refuse to come simply because "meh, don't wanna" (like one little disgusting shit that didn't come to the funeral of our colleague), then FUUUUCK YOUUUU and may you die alone.

P.S. This little *****, instead of showing proper respect for a person she closely knew for more than 1,5 year, literally that evening went to some japanese opera concert and posted on her Facebook page photos from it with words "Oh I had so much fun! I love Japan! The best country in the world!" (not the literal words, but you get the idea). Out of about 100 people who knew him from all his jobs, his family and friends, she was the only one who didn't come. To shits with this arrogant, self-centered, dumb, weeby *****!

P.P.S. Sorry for rant.

 

[BarkBarker]

If I don't wanna pay respect, I don't go. If I feel it is appropriate to show respect I'll be there, fuck I was in the room only 2 months ago to have my cat of a decade put down and it was god awful.....but she deserved it to me. It's all about whether or not I care about them all that much.

 

[happyninja42]

I personally don't have an issue with skipping a funeral. I find the corpse displaying ritual of it barbaric, and just down right creepy. The atheist in me finds the need to cluster around a dead body for some ceremony very unnerving. They are dead, nothing we do is going to bother them anymore. And you can easily gather with other people and pay respects for a dead friend/loved one, without needing to be at the site of the body.

I personally wouldn't care if nobody showed up to my funeral, and in fact plan on having some instructions to have people just do a wake like thing. No solemn shit, just go hang out somewhere, maybe with some drinks, and remember the good things about me. Or don't, I don't care.


Every funeral I've been to, has had almost nothing to do with the actual body, or the person. The people show up, and usually end up talking about everything EXCEPT the dead person. They catch up on things since they haven't seen each other in years, kids, jobs, etc etc. VERY little of the conversation is actually about the dead person. So to me, what's the fucking point?

Someone above said it's to show respect for the person who died, and if you don't show up, you are being rude. Sorry but I just don't agree. I can show respect for the dead in dozens of ways that have nothing to do with showing up in a creepy funeral center, with terrible, piped in organ music, odds smells from all the flowers, corpse preservatives, and packed bodies. I can honor the dead person by living my life, and cherishing their memories, and taking to heart any lessons they gave me while alive. Going to look at their petrified remains does jack shit to honor them.

 

[Addendum_Forthcoming]

Meh... there's multiple reasons why even family might not attend a funeral. There's currently a 16 year standoff between me and my parents and their siblings... Every now and again there's a reconciliation attempt, but when my cousin died I went to his friend's wake (with minor family presence), but I didn't go to his funeral. Primarily because I'm at loggerheads with my aunt.

As always, money, latent hatreds, and shady shit going on.

Suffice it to say I went to my grandfather's funeral... despite protestations. Because my grandfather was oddly accepting and the fact that he was a massive force of good in my life. He taught me about materials science, taught me a love of machines and how to properly respect them... So it's less about resenting someone and more about using funerals as an arsenal to instill hatreds. Like my aunt demanded I didn't go to my cousin's funeral... but apparently she told others that I didn't go of my own volition.

Point is, if people are going to use a funeral to fan the flames of familial discord... prepare for a multilateral skein of conflict ehere nothing is as it seems. It was sad... but my grandfather asked me whether I wanted to be included as a recipient in his will... all I asked for was his pre WW2 machinery and toolmaking books when he was a tradie, and went on to helping repair warships and build artillery shells during the Pacific War. That's all I wanted to remember him by. Didn't stop my aunt (his own fucking daughter) saying I got some of his money. Calling me a parasite when she was still a prime recipient. I didn't need his money. All I wanted was a remembrance. She turned even her father's death, my grandfather's death, as a weapon to hurt me with.

Yeah... funerals are familial battlefields like any other. Think before you think badly of someonr not showing up to a funeral.

 

[Tanis]

Nope.
I've been to enough of them and it sucks every time.

I 'suffer' from a brain 'defect' that doesn't allow me to process emotion like the majority of the population.
-I still feel emotions, I just can't feel them as strongly as 'normal people'.

Having to fake extreme emotions like rage or sadness is so freaking hard.
-When my grandma (father's mother) (the one who helped raise me more than my womb donor) died I was forced to slam my hand in a door so I could cry the expected tears.

TL;DR?
Funerals suck. I understand why some folks skip them.

 

[Wrex Brogan]

Ehhhh, it depends on who died, for me. If it's someone close then not attending is a bit of a cock move (albeit things like 'in another country' or 'can't emotionally bare it' are entirely understandable reasons), but if it's someone you don't know too well/never actually spoken to then... well, why go to an event all about remembering them? The only reason you should really go to that kind of funeral is if a) you'll cop way too much family drama if you don't or b) if it's to support someone else. Like with my Nana's - I god damn hated the woman and wouldn't have gone unless I really needed proof she was dead, but my mum wanted us there for support so I went. Was a boring as hell ceremony, but eh, I wasn't there for me.

That said, there are also times when you can resent someone for attending a funeral instead. When my brother died (fun year, 2016) and we were doing the requisite 'call all the family to let them know' thing, one of my aunties - who had sent him a fucking birthday card, mind responded with a 'who?' and generally acted like a bit of a cock about the whole deal, to the point she was strongly advised by several other family members to not attend lest my mum do a Bane Back-Breaker on her. She thankfully took the advice and didn't show, but boy, if she had I doubt much of the family would be on speaking terms with her, let me just say...

 

[Lieju]

I don't care. The funeral is about the people left behind, tho, and if you have social or emotional oblications for them, then maybe? Some people require this kind of closure, I don't, but I'll be there for my family members who do.

I have skipped funerals from family members in cases where I didn't know anyone there or knew the remaining family would be better off without me there.

Honestly, when I die, I don't give a crap if people show up or not. I'm mildly annoyed at the thought of some of my family members spreading lies about me (I know one who will tell people I'm religious and huge fan of Mr. Jesus) but they're gonna do it anyway, I'll be gone.

 

[Guffe]

I went to one of my best friends mothers funerals a little while back.
She got cancer and died from that, I never knew her too well, I mean you meet your friends parents a little now and then and say hi in the store when you see them but nothing more than that.
But a few of us close friends decided to go the funeral, even if we didn't know the person too well whoms funeral it was, but to show our friend that we support him in the difficult times. I have to say it felt a bit weird to be there, but feedback was good, all the family members and colleagues understood why we were there and said it was a really nice gesture.

My personal view is that if it is a family member then you should go. That is my view, people have different lifestyles and people view the world differently, so someone might say otherwise.

 

[CaptainMarvelous]

OP, You should probably see what one is like first, or just like get a real hard look at the grief people go through.

I went to a funeral for a kid my girlfriend knew growing up who drowned and while there was harrowing shit to deal with (from a detached view since I never met them) you could see how important it was to the family and the support they needed from friends and family.

So... yeah. Wait til you've been to one or two then maybe draw a conclusion if they're expensive or pointless or something, personally I think if nothing else it shows who to put on suicidewatch based on how the service goes.