Write a Eulogy for An Escapist

[NewClassic_v1legacy]

If I die in the next week, how will I be remembered? What would my eulogy read? Which started me thinking about how I would write eulogies for people I know. Then it occurred to me that there could be some fun for this. Maybe it's a little macabre, but it's nice to know where you stand with people. EDIT: I'd like to point out that at the time of writing, I am not suggesting any of the posters are actually dead. This is a forum game, and is meant to be fun. Not to acknowledge the actually deceased. That is all.

So, write a eulogy for an Escapist of your choice. If you can't think of anyone, do one on the person above you. Feel free to make requests. If I know the requester well enough, I'll be glad to. Hell, most people know of my history with things like this. (I'm looking at you, Cockney thread.)

When asked to write a eulogy for Khell_Sennet, I sat down and found myself at a loss for words. How could one quantify such a life in words? I had always imaged Khell's rage was enough so that he would explode of rage on his deathbed, but I had never imagined his end to come before at least half of population was ridiculed into subterranean colonies. I'll forever miss Khell's stinging wit, and be forever grateful that I was never on the business end of his rage.

 

[BlackJack47]

So NewClassic, truly you are the inspiration of this thread and all those who follow it. We can only hope that there is a computer...in heaven. I will miss your uncontrollable urge to lighten other peoples lives with your imagination. Be seeing you soon.

 

[The Iron Ninja]

Alright then.

Wassa?
Th... The microphone thing?
Yeah... I think I can see it now.

So... NewClassic is dead eh?
It'sa shame it happened like that. No one could have guessed he'd be passin' on due to a tragic billiard accident. Seems somewhat anti-climactic. I always imagined he would have the kind of death that would allow him to have some sort of last words. Instead, he got a face full of 8-ball and shattered his teeth, rendering him un-able to make sounds other than 'Ough!'... Tragic.

Well, as the only surviving member of that... triumvirthingy. I've been asked to make a eulog... Eulog... Eulogee for him.

No! Gimmie it back, it's my whisky, I paid for it!

Aw quit yer sobbin' ye pathetic bastards!
NewClassic thought he was so fancy with his italicised name and computer head.
Well he wasn't fancy. He was lacklustre an uninspired.
Took one hit of fame in the ol' cockney thread and it went to his head.
Next thing you know he's bein all successful and whatnot, the bastard.

No you sit down Labyrinth! This is my turn to speak and I ain't done yet!
Let go of me!
No, I will be heard an-
Get your hands off me you dirty-
Oh no... No, not that!
I don't wanna go back to the institution!
No, no! NooooOOOOooooo!

I suspect this is how it will happen.
I'm the kind of person who gets drunk at weddings and funerals.

 

[The Sorrow]

Well, The Iron Ninja has passed on, ladies and gentlemen. The Communist spy known as "Gerald" has been apprehended, convicted, and executed after ingratiating himself with our beloved companion for so many years.
I don't know what a good way to die is, but having an angry crab snip your jugular open ain't one of 'em.
You'll be in our thoughts, Ninja. At least until we get through that there crate of Smirnoff sitting next to your casket.

 

[The Iron Ninja]

What? Betrayed by Gerald?
My beloved Gerald?
That crosses a line Sorrow. A line in the sand.
Prepare yourself.

Well, he's dead. The Sorrow has finally kicked the proverbial bucket.
Now, before we break out the alcohol, I ask that we say a few words about him. Since he was after all a human being, mostly.
I'll go first, since I'm up here already.

I remember my first meeting with The Sorrow.
It was a dour autumn morning, not quite raining by that point, but dark, moist and cold, like the nose of a dead dog.
He was sitting at a crooked old table, his legs rested upon it. He cackled in his trademark manner as I approached.

I remember his first words to me clearly, perhaps even clearer than before now that he is gone. "The mere sight of you is making me lactate!" he proclaimed, before attempting to force himself upon me.
Judging by the faces I see before me, this is not an unheard of occurrence for those who met with this twisted creature.

Many of you bear the scars as I do, so I won't linger on the past for too long, as I know that it is painful. But now, it has ended.
So let's get completely wasted, I've got another funeral to go to after this and I don't think I can handle it sober.

 

[terribleyetfun]

*terrible yet fun steps up to the podium overlooking the open casket he taps the microphone before anxiously straightening his tie*
mike check is this thing on aw screw it if you people can`t hear me then tough cookies.

I did not know the iron ninja personally or at all, but he seemed like a good man albeit a man with a strange attraction to crabs and some guy named Gerald but a Goodman none the less I hope whatever part of the after life he is now in *cough*hell*cough* I hope he is happy and is good with the fact that I looted him of all his belongings moments before he was run over by a out of control van full of angry midgets.

 

[ElephantGuts]

This thread is really depressing. I refuse to participate.

 

[Lord Beautiful]

Rest in peace, ElephantGuts.
Your ship is about to set up in the harbors of heaven.
Unless of course you're an athiest.
Then you're just dead and gone forever to an eternity of non-existance.
Have fun, skipper.

 

[Khedive Rex]

We have all gathered today to honor the memory of terribleyetfun. He was a man who, at once, was both terrible and fun. I remember the time he invented that sport where you kick dead puppies at homeless people - HAHAHA! ... *Sigh*

No one expected that flying locomotive to crash through his bedroom ceiling, crushing him like an over-ripe grape. Some said it was an act of god. I say, it was an act of Gods. No single divine entity could hope to have defeated terribleyetfun in a fair fight, and thus the entire pantheon of religious icons banded together to defeat him in an unfair fight, preoccupied as he was at the time with banging Angelina Jolie.

We will all miss him. Unless someone in the room is a necromancer in which case we'll probably see him again on tuesday. And he will be pissed.

 

[LilGherkin]

Ladies and gentlemen. I can't say that I knew TheNecroswanson well. The first time I ever saw him spoke I was in stitches for minutes. I can't remember what it was now, nor am I sure if it was actually him. It's a shame he had to go the way he did, sucked into that vortex in his screen that cut out halfway though severing his lower half. Although we can at least say that whenever we log on to our favorite game, news, comedy, and porn sites. Amen. We can always have a piece of him with us. Unless we're watching porn, than we wouldn't like him to be with us because that would create a slight sense of awkwardness, and turning the screen around will only complicate things more. I'll miss you, man. *breaks into tears, and jumps onto the coffin lid* DON'T GO, I DON'T KNOW WHO ELSE I CAN SCORE DRUGS FROM. *slides off the casket and goes over to the bar.*

 

[Hey Joe]

Necroswanson...I guess he finally bought a stairway to heaven. Shine on you crazy diamond, shine on.

 

[terribleyetfun]

*terribleyetfun walks up to the podium he grabs the nearby glass of water and takes a long sip he leans to one of the nearby musicians to play a farewell song on his trumpet as soon as the song goes on for about five seconds terribleyetfun shoots the trumpet player in the face with his revolver*

And that ladies and gentlemen was my opening joke,now Hey Joe was a man of honor and conviction. Why I remember the time he declared war on me ahhh it was one of the greatest fights I`ve ever been in until he blew up my house and murdered my family for the fifth time this week but I digress there has never been a more worthy opponent than Hey Joe and I wish good luck to the foul demon that tries to punish him for all the gruesome,but not without their creativity atrocities that he has committed.

*terribleyetfun walks away a solemn look on his face he sits back down in his seat for one second before realizing something , he then rushes back to the podium and dropkicks the next speaker before he had a chance to talk,terribleyetfun the grabs then mike and shouts*
I Call dibs on all his stuff!!!.

 

[ThePoodonkis]

I'm here to speak for terribleyetfun.
Who's greatness weighed one metric ton.
There was fun to be had,
His loss is so sad.
His tomfoolery had only begun...

 

[Anarchemitis]

ThePoodonkis was a dear friend. I don't think anything worldly might console me, my An accomplice in the delightful antics that sometimes included theMonopolyGuy regarding a specific speech from Half Life 2.
His pink fluffy avatar always brought a unique stinge of cheer and amusement, and as such, Strong Bad Email #132 "Bottom 10" will forever remind me of hiim and his consice quips of fun and cleverness.
May God rest his cheery soul.

This thread is really depressing. I refuse to participate.

Ironically, I find it a delight because I have polled here before and it coroborated my assumption: Most pople online if you are reported dead; don't care or don't beleive.
This is a reassurance that those few of the longer useéd people actually regard each other as humans and friends. This sends chills up my spine how wonderful.

 

[LilGherkin]

Lilgherkin walks up to the pulpit televised before national television "Ladies, Gentlemen, . Me and Anarchemitis had a special bond. I met him under peculiar circumstances. I was just a man in his early twenties, but actually his late seventies, for you see I aged in reverse. The first time I met him I was the dance teacher at Kellerman's Lodge in the Catskill mountains. After that our friendship his parent's never approved of we went on a long road trip trying to form together an old blue's band we had assembled in Kellerman's. Our escapades lead us to a 5 year arrest where during that time we entertained the prison crowd under the performance name The Blue's Twins He was a great man and I...

A man stands up from the crowd and begins to talk
"Sir, did you just fit The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button, Dirty Dancing, and The Blue's Brothers into your highly unlikely story?

Lilgherkin stands there stunned and stares blankly into the crowd
I've gotten my free drink, later boys! Lilgherkin makes a run for the emergency exit

 

[LilGherkin]

It's a shame to see such a great man in this coffin. He had always refused to die, he was in ever major war, you name it. Revolutionary, Civil, World War I, World War II, The Korean War, The Vietnam War, The Gulf War, The Iraq War. He kept his youth alive by eating the hearts and souls of those he killed on the field. As someone who was there, for his last few moments on earth I can fully say, I did not shoot him.

The body starts to rise out of the casket.

Whoever shot and killed him will surely be met with a slow and cruel end...

TheNecroswanson's body grabs Lilgherkin, the two combatants go at it underneath the podium and a loud shot rings out

Alright, I did shoot him that time, but it was in self-defense might I add.

 

[Neonbob]

The pickle LilGherkin and I met a while ago...I can't recall what thread it was on in particular, but I think it was something interesting. Not too interesting, as you may be able to guess, but it kept my attention for a bit.
Truth be told, I don't know why the hell I'm up here at all. This just seemed like an interesting thing to pop in on, and I heard there was a body in the vicinity, which is always a plus for me. If I had known the corpse was already preserved and whatnot, I wouldn't have dragged my smoker along with me for...um...shit...
*throws a smoke bomb*
Haha! I'm still taking it!
*smoke clears to reveal a somewhat empty casket*
Enjoy the parting gift! Muahahahahaha!
*soft ticking is heard from the coffin as Neonbob drives off*

 

[goatzilla8463]

Well, how to start? Neonbob and I met on a dating site years ago. Sure, we're both manly men but we both thought that we could have some funsies. Turns out that we were made for each other. We both loved candlelight dinners and walks in parks.

As time went on, we got married and settled down to adopt kids. But of course, life is cruel. Neonbob was taken from us in an accident that involved a watermelon and a sledgehammer.

Goodbye my love.

 

[terribleyetfun]

ah goatzilla8463 now that is a man you can trust in he once walked into a bar and gave everyone a free round of beer for no other reason than he could I always admired him and the antics he pulled lighting me on fire,blowing up my house,murdering my family for the fourth time this week and his most unforgettable prank faking his death.
*the room goes quiet*
dang was`nt supposed to say that
*the other guests get out of their chairs ready to attack*
WE`VE BEEN EXPOSED, LATER
*terribleyetfun turns around and smashes through the stain glass window and runs off into the sunset the coffin starts to stir and goatzilla8463 rises he is immediately attacked by the angry funeral guests and then becomes dead for real*.

 

[StarStruckStrumpets]

This thread is really depressing. I refuse to participate.

I agree...I don't want to be imaginerery dead-ified. (My bad grammar was done purposely.)