Writing a book

[CrazyCajun777]

Hello, I am in the process of writing a book and an up to a little over a quarter way there (about 26k words) and decided to take a break and work on the sleeve. Would you be interested in reading this book after seeing this sleeve?

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Ok, first things first, magic is real. You know all those stories about witches, wizards, and trolls? Well those are real. Ok, not like really real, those are mostly propaganda pieces designed to make us look bad. My ex was a witch, and she hardly ever ate children. See here is the thing; people use to study a different science. One that was less about math and more about feel. Then people started to get smarter about it. It started as simple things that even science is ok with, like the bandaging of wounds, predicting the weather by changes in atmospheric pressure, and grinding beaver testicles into a tea for contraception. You know, the basics. Then we got cocky. I don?t know how many times you shot fire from your fingertips, but after the second time you start thinking you?re a pretty cool guy. Then you start wondering why you should listen to the guy who can?t shoot fire from his fingertips. It was at this point that we rebelled. The wizarding world moved against the common one. Then the inquisition happened. Turns out people don?t like it when you threaten to shoot fingertip fire at them. Then they tie you to a stake and see how you like it. So now we live in secrecy using our training to live relatively normal lives, and, on occasion, stop things that go bump in the night.

My name is Timothy Dugas, and I am a necromancer. For those of you not in the know, a necromancer is basically just a wizard? who's powers all center on death. Wait! Hold on! Don?t judge! It?s not as bad as all that. Listen, I don?t kill people, ok? I just kind of exploit their death?ok that didn?t help. I give them purpose after they have died. They become instruments of justice? or convenience. Long story short, being a cop, I found that death magic, though woefully stereotyped as evil, can really come in handy. Besides I think we can all agree that the ability to animate the bones of my childhood dog, Bandit, is pretty sweet. He still sucks at fetch though.
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I'm still cutting my teeth, but please let me know if this sounds like something that wouldn't (or would) scare you off.

If you truly don't hate this. I wouldn't mind a beta reader or two. message me if that sounds groovy

Thank you for your time!

 

[Johnny Novgorod]

Would you be interested in reading this book after seeing this sleeve?

No. Phrases like "Ok, first things first, magic is real", "Ok, not like really real", "Listen, I don't kill people, ok?" and "I just kind of exploit their death... ok that didn't help" tell me the language will be colloquially adolescent and it will resort to pet phrases over and over throughout the book in an attempt at seeming realistic, spontaneous and perhaps a bit comical. And while there's a vast market for that, I'm not in it.

There's also the issue with grammar. Not something you have to care about in your everyday forum post but here you're hypothetically presenting your novel's sleeve:

For those of you not in the know, a necromancy is a basically just a wizard... whose powers all center on death

You're confusing one noun for another, there's an indefinite article where it shouldn't and you left a verb unconjugated. This tells me you don't care how you write, you just want to get to the point. Which is a valid style in itself - a lot of authors pull it off - but it requires a measure of care and wit I don't detect here.

Don't take this the wrong way. You asked if I would be interested in reading a book that presents itself like this. No, I wouldn't want to read a book filled with grammatical errors and whose written voice mimics a mumbling teenager's.

 

[Muspelheim]

The sleeve might do with a bit of a cut. It's a good introduction, but it's a bit beefy. It's too much for a brief glance to set the scene. Edit it down to the basics, brevity is vital when it comes to sleeves.

Anything else? Just good writing practices, keep an eye on your adverbs, and keep things neat and tidy in general. Like people far more qualified like me would say.

I must say, I rather like the idea. Keep working on it, it'll work bloody well when grown and tended properly.

 

[JoJo]

Is that your blurb? If it is, I would cut it down at-least in half, maybe lose up to three quarters. Seems to have a lot of extraneous detail that makes it a pain to skim and a quick check of my bookshelf confirmed that most blurbs are much much shorter and give more of an overarching sense of what the book is going to be about.

 

[DefunctTheory]

No. I would not.

Its busy, and its complicated. My eyes pretty much glazed over after the first line, and I had to try and read it several times before my eyes would focus in. And I still can't remember most of it. It's also unnecessarily informal and rambling, something which only Bruce Campbell has ever pulled off in book sleeve format as far as I know.

From the general story I'm getting here, I think maybe you should read some Harry Dresden book covers. They have a semi-informal feel that jokingly comment on the books basic premise (Modern magic) while also discussing whats actually going on.

Spoiler

Obviously, I don't mean to imply you should copy it, or that your book is overly similar. I think it just might be a good example of what your aiming for.

As a second thinking, maybe you should check out this as well, as another example of an informal and weird book cover.

Spoiler

 

[Chromatic Aberration]

Ha!

Amusedly, I'm currently trying to write a small pornographic pamphlet adult-oriented story in pretty much the same style. I'm taking potshots on the The Little Shop that Wasn't There Yesterday trope [http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TheLittleShopthatWasntThereYesterday]. First line being: "Have you ever read Needful Things?" and it dives straight down into sarcasm-ville from then on.

I like these kinds of ironic takes very much but I admit that besides the gross, unnatural and perverted nature of what I intent to write I want to involve some decent drama and a good narrative to go along with it. If I succeed and actually get to scrounge up enough motivation to complete it is an entirely different matter altogether, though.

Your case is more difficult: you actually have to care about the narrative, the characters and the story in order for it to work. Personally, while I like that style very much, I fear that it could turn out to be more fun and pop-cultural-reference-slinging over substance. Plus, to me it should provide something new, something that I previously haven't seen in some way which I don't necessarily see here. Still, I'm somewhat intrigued if it really can succeed in making fun of what it intents to make fun of and doesn't dwell too much on being a copy of the Dresden Files or similar. That, though, needs more data.

 

[TheIceQueen]

I am getting a very Riordan vibe from this and, as much as I love him, this particular exposition out of scene introduction shtick he does at the beginning of a book series tires out fast. Clearly, this is written in a teenaged boy young adult style, snd I think you would benefit from a more Colfer style opening with equal parts mystery and exposition. You can even keep the Riordan esque wit, but laying everything down in such a way breaks me out of a book. Use a scene to illustrate your point. Invoke imagination. Butler ominously plucking a fly out of mid-air to pressure Artemis' contact tells me more than a character actually telling me about themselves.

 

[CrazyCajun777]

You're confusing one noun for another, there's an indefinite article where it shouldn't and you left a verb unconjugated.

I'm going to be honest. This mistake made me blush. I have several documents going and posted from an unedited version by mistake. The sentence posted was a train wreck. Thank you for pointing it out to me. I left the remainder of the post intact rather than posting the fully combed version.

 

[DefunctTheory]

Ha!

Amusedly, I'm currently trying to write a small pornographic pamphlet adult-oriented story in pretty much the same style. I'm taking potshots on the The Little Shop that Wasn't There Yesterday trope [http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TheLittleShopthatWasntThereYesterday]. First line being: "Have you ever read Needful Things?" and it dives straight down into sarcasm-ville from then on.

I hate to take away from the OP, but I have to say - I'd read that. You caught me with 'pornographic' and 'Needful Things.'

Now, that's a good dust cover for you!

 

[Korenith]

I agree with the people saying you're trying to cram too much info into it and there are few lines which feel a bit flat (particularly the one about "instruments of justice") but it does give a very good idea of what the tone and the content is liable to be like which is good. I think you'd be better off with just the second part tbh. I also rather liked the bit with the dog.

 

[KingsGambit_v1legacy]

I'm gonna call you CC for shorthand, if you'll forgive me! CC, first of all I want to outright say I have only major admiration and respect for writing. It's not easy and I really respect the commitment of artists and creatives. I wanted to say that because I want to establish that I greatly respect what you're doing so please take the following as it is intended...suggestion.

I think what you've written above is okay, but it's far too long. You only get one side of the inside sleeve and it's usually quite narrow (the back is usually a short author bio). While the whole thing serves to paint the picture, with no disrespect intended the entirety of the first paragraph can be done away with. I'm guessing that Dugas is the protagonist and that the book is in the first person. If that is the case, then starting at the second paragraph is much more punchy and to the point.

My name is Timothy Dugas and I am a necromancer. For those of you not in theIn case you don't know, a necromancer is basically just a kind of wizard, one whose powers center on death. Wait! Hold on! Don?t judge! It?s not as bad as all that. Listen, I don?t kill people anyone, okay? I just kind of...exploit their death?okay that didn?t help come out right. I give them purpose after they've died. They become instruments of justice? or pragmatism. Long story short, being a cop I found that death magic, though woefully stereotyped as evil, can really come in handy; Besides I think we can all agree that the ability to animate the bones of my childhood dog Bandit is pretty sweet. He still sucks at fetch though.

I have removed a few commas and use strikethroughs where I think the text would read better without it. Some extra words are in bold For example:

- First sentence is perfect, doesn't need a comma, reads better without one.
- Suggest replacing "For those...the" with "In case you don't"
- Removed "basically just". "a necromancer is a wizard..." is better. ("kind of" optional). Typo: who's -> whose.
- You have a limited amount of space. You don't need both "Wait!" and "Hold on!". One is enough.
- Consider changing "It's not as bad as all that" to "It's not as bad as it sounds" perhaps (unless that's how Dugas speaks).
- I don't like the "Listen", but it's a different sentence without it. :-\
- "that didn't help" doesn't make sense by itself. Consider "come out right" or "help my case".
- I really like the next sentence, but you could consider "after death" or cooler still, "post mortem".
- "Instruments of justice" I love. Suggested "pragmatism" in lieu of "convenience", something to consider.
- Suggest getting rid of "woefully...evil". Not necessary. (Better to "show" this in the story, not "tell" us in the blurb). Also, the less adverbs, the better
- Suggested losing "Besides", making it one sentence with semicolon.
- Not fond of "pretty sweet" but I'm guessing that is how the protagonist speaks so it's cool.

Again, please forgive me any presumption. I swear it is intended as a critique and my opinion only. The first paragraph is not a good blurb, it should be unfolded during the beginning of the story. From the second paragraph we learn the protagonist's name, that he's a cop, a necromancer, what he uses his abilities for and the moral dilemmas that using them implies. We also learn how he talks and thus a little of his personality. The rest is world-building and that is for the story.

That paragraph with suggested changes:

"My name is Timothy Dugas and I am a necromancer. In case you don't know what that is, it's a kind of wizard whose powers center on death. Wait! It?s really not that bad! For starters, I don?t kill anyone, you hear? They're already dead and I just kinda... exploit it. Okay, that came out wrong! Listen, I give them purpose. Through me, they become instruments of justice? or just pragmatism. Usually justice though. Listen, it varies! Long story short, being a cop I found that death magic comes in real handy; I think we'd all agree that the ability to reanimate the bones of my childhood dog Bandit is pretty sweet. He still sucks at fetch though."

Again, please forgive me any presumption, I won't pretend to know the protagonist. But see how that reads with a handful of changes.

Keep up the good work, would be interested to read any updates.

 

[Queen Michael]

The kind of first-person narration you're doing works pretty well in the actual text of a novel, in my opinion. But it's not very good text for a sleeve. There, I'd advice you to use third-person. Every first-person novel I've ever read has used that on the sleeve.

 

[The Sanctifier]

As others have said, the first paragraph is far too long for a book sleeve.

One major problem here is that you haven't really said anything about the plot. A sentence or two enticing the reader with what kind of story you want to tell is important for grabbing their attention. It doesn't have to be much, but just a glimpse at some kind of interesting complication or dilemma will go a long way in hooking your reader.

Now when it comes to world building, I'll tell you right now that this something I'm absolutely obsessed with. I almost love this more than writing. It is important to discipline yourself about this however, and in your sleeve you have included far too much world building. You should save most of this for your story, mentioning things only when the right situation presents itself. For the sleeve, you should only include as much as is necessary for your reader to want more. As with plot, just a few lines to paint an overarching picture of your story. I found that there were a few too many 'shooting fire from fingertip' sentences for my liking, which could be reserved for later parts of the book.


Overall, I think you have an interesting idea but not really an interesting story, that is, if I were to judge solely on the sleeve. Mentioning something interesting about your character's plot or the overarching story plot could change my mind about the story.

 

[FolloweroftheApoetic]

I like it just the way it is. I like quirky writing that feels like its written more for itself.

 

[SweetShark]

So your story have a Necromancer who work as a Cop? Sound good to me.
But with all my honesty I prefer a more "unexpected" prologue.
Also why do you believe is scary?

Anyway, I would started like this:

"Why do you have a zombie next to you?" a man said with a trembling scared voice.
"Why? Isn't this obvious? I summoned it...just for you." I said while I smirk a little just for the show.
"But....but...this is impossible.....how can you..."
Before the man complete his pitiful talk, someone interrupt him successfully.
"EEEEEEEEnnmMMMMmmffff"
Oh yeah. Why my zombie sound like this I thought. Anyway, back to him I guess.
"Now, if you please can you let the gun from your left hand? I promise you to arrest you like a normal criminal as you are."
The man immediately look at the gun. Then he looked at me and my dead servant.
"No! I won't become a zombie like you!!!"

Something like that
Or maybe like this:

"Why again I animated the dead corpse of my dog?" I thought while I felt my hands get drier cause of the use of necromancy.
Yeah...I know why...but I never wanted to admit it. I have soft spot for skeletons. Animated skeletons I mean.
Why I didn't animated a skeleton from a cemetery or an ancient grave of a medieval warrior or something similar? Because I want to have it in my house as my "happy time", but also wanted to be as small as possible. I really would love to have a bunch of skeletons dance for me salsa, but if someone get in my house without a warning....I'm f*cked.
At least with the dog I can say he is a full-scale replica of Bulldog's skeleton.
Of course they will think I am a pervert, but I am ok with that.


EDIT: My English suck a*s, but you get the idea.