Hello people, and welcome to another thread by your friendly neighbourhood Spider... I mean, Trivun. In this one, I'm basically doing what I've done in plenty of my other more recent threads, that is, asking for help. This time, it's with a film project.
To cut a long story short, I was involved in the pre-production for a short (ten minute) film with some friends a couple of years back, but for various reasons it never got made. Now, I want to rewrite the (as yet untitled) script, get together a crew, and head to Roundhay Park (in Leeds, in the UK) where we originally planned to film and actually make it. However, I have a problem. That problem being that none of my friends who I sent the script to have replied with the requested criticism, and I need someone to review my first draft. That now falls to you, the Escapist community.
Quite simply, I've posted the script below in the spoiler box. It's not formatted properly, because Adobe is bitches like Envy Adams, and it would take forever to format it manually. I may do so later if necessary, but since it's late here that won't be for a while. My request is simple - I need people to read it and let me know their thoughts.
Please note that by 'thoughts' I don't mean regarding characters or story. That stuff sticks. What I mean is things like pacing, how it will translate to the screen, the dialogue itself, stuff like that. Bear in mind this is a film script, not a short story, so you need to look at it in a different way to what you may be used to. And this is only the first draft - there is no way this copy will be the finished piece as used for the film, it will be changed several times before I'm happy enough to film it. What I really need is an outside perspective.
So, go ahead, read it through (if you can with the formatting), and let me know your thoughts. Constructive criticism desired, anyone who feels like praising my work out of politeness can simply not bother posting. Yeah, I'm paranoid about praise for all my writing endeavours, so please give your 100% genuine thoughts here. Thanks
To cut a long story short, I was involved in the pre-production for a short (ten minute) film with some friends a couple of years back, but for various reasons it never got made. Now, I want to rewrite the (as yet untitled) script, get together a crew, and head to Roundhay Park (in Leeds, in the UK) where we originally planned to film and actually make it. However, I have a problem. That problem being that none of my friends who I sent the script to have replied with the requested criticism, and I need someone to review my first draft. That now falls to you, the Escapist community.
Quite simply, I've posted the script below in the spoiler box. It's not formatted properly, because Adobe is bitches like Envy Adams, and it would take forever to format it manually. I may do so later if necessary, but since it's late here that won't be for a while. My request is simple - I need people to read it and let me know their thoughts.
Please note that by 'thoughts' I don't mean regarding characters or story. That stuff sticks. What I mean is things like pacing, how it will translate to the screen, the dialogue itself, stuff like that. Bear in mind this is a film script, not a short story, so you need to look at it in a different way to what you may be used to. And this is only the first draft - there is no way this copy will be the finished piece as used for the film, it will be changed several times before I'm happy enough to film it. What I really need is an outside perspective.
So, go ahead, read it through (if you can with the formatting), and let me know your thoughts. Constructive criticism desired, anyone who feels like praising my work out of politeness can simply not bother posting. Yeah, I'm paranoid about praise for all my writing endeavours, so please give your 100% genuine thoughts here. Thanks
Insert Title Here
By
Trivun Luzaic
Based on an idea by Lucy-Ruth Hathaway and Martin Hendry
Property of Trivun Luzaic Contact information:
Mobile: 07974117883
Email:
[email protected]
EXT. RAVINE PATH, ROUNDHAY PARK
We open to a scene of the three characters (RALPH, JESS
AND ALEX) walking along the ravine path, in the direction
of the Castle Folly (off-screen). As they walk, ALEX is
kicking a football, while the others walk in silence.
RALPH looks annoyed at his younger cousin?s energetic
attitude and kicks the ball away, down the valley to the
stream below.
ALEX:
What the hell was that for?
RALPH:
You?re boring me. Go fetch.
ALEX:
Fuck you, I?m not getting that.
You kicked it, you get it.
RALPH:
Oh, spare it. Just go down and
get your ball, there?s a good
lad.
ALEX is angry and thinks about hitting RALPH, but
ultimately decides it?s not worth the effort. He starts to
climb down the ravine - as he gets out of earshot, JESS
starts speaking.
JESS:
What did you do that for? What
was he doing to you, really?
RALPH:
He just pisses me off. It?s not
as if I even want to be here
anyway.
JESS:
Don?t start this again, please...
RALPH:
I?m not starting anything, I?m
just saying.
They stand in silence for a moment.
RALPH:
Actually, I was hoping we could
talk.
JESS:
We?ve been over this. I don?t
care.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 2.
RALPH:
Are we going to be like this
every time we see each other? I
don?t want things to stay awkward
between us.
JESS:
Too late. I didn?t even want you
up here, you came here yourself.
RALPH:
For my grandad?s birthday. Our
grandad.
JESS:
Doesn?t matter. I didn?t force
you here.
RALPH:
Look, you know what I want.
JESS:
Do I? What do you want, Ralph?
Really? Because you?re not having
me any more.
RALPH:
You think I don?t know that? All
I want is some closure.
JESS:
And I don?t want to give you any,
so deal with it.
JESS walks away from RALPH, further up the path. ALEX is
still at the bottom of the ravine, looking for his ball.
RALPH follows JESS as she walks away and attempts to talk
to her.
RALPH:
What exactly is your problem with
me?
JESS:
Leave me alone.
RALPH:
No.
JESS:
You?re not helping anyone here.
Just drop it.
RALPH:
You don?t get off that easy. What
happened to us, Jess?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 3.
JESS:
We were kids. We grew up, that?s
what happened.
RALPH:
It?s been three years, that?s not
really a lot of time to ?grow
up?.
JESS:
It?s enough for me.
RALPH decides to wait a little for JESS to calm down. They
carry on walking in silence.
RALPH:
We should wait for your brother
to catch up.
JESS:
The path curves around, he?ll be
coming this way.
RALPH:
I suppose. Even Alex isn?t stupid
enough to try climbing up here.
JESS:
Why do you keep putting him down
all the time? I can understand
you having a problem with me, but
he hasn?t done anything to you.
RALPH:
I just think he?s rude, arrogant,
annoying...
JESS:
Pots and kettles, Ralph.
Another pause.
RALPH:
I?m still not going to let this
go.
JESS:
I didn?t expect you to. Still
won?t make me answer you.
RALPH:
Fine. Be as stubborn as you want.
I guess that?s just another thing
we?ve got in common anyway.
Beat.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 4.
RALPH:
So, what are your plans then,
anyway? Still going to uni?
JESS:
That?s a bit out of left field,
isn?t it?
RALPH:
I just wondered. Well?
JESS:
Yeah, still planning it. Not sure
where I?ll go yet.
RALPH:
What did you want to do?
JESS:
Childcare.
She seems evasive, as if she?s hiding something. It is
clear that ?childcare? means something bigger to JESS than
RALPH is able to pick up on.
JESS:
What about you? You still with
that girl in London? What was her
name, Alice or something?
RALPH:
Allie. And yeah, we?re still
together. I asked her to move in
with me last month.
JESS replies sarcastically.
JESS:
Oh, that?s nice. And have you
told her about your cousins from
up north at all?
RALPH:
I haven?t mentioned you, if
that?s what you mean.
JESS:
No, I didn?t think you would.
RALPH:
You know, considering you didn?t
want to talk about it you seem to
be bringing it up an awful lot.
JESS:
Well, I can?t avoid it, can I?
Not while you keep insisting on
getting a straight answer.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 5.
RALPH:
So I?m breaking you then?
JESS:
Maybe.
RALPH:
All these half answers, avoiding
the question... you?re more like
me than you think.
JESS:
Would it be too cliche to say I?m
nothing like you?
RALPH:
Yes, it would.
During the conversation, JESS and RALPH start being a bit
friendlier to each other, and they seem to remember the
happier times during their previous relationship.
RALPH:
Look, I don?t want to keep
pushing it. I know we ended
things pretty badly and I know
that?s partly my fault. All I
want is closure. Then we can both
move on and forget it ever
happened.
JESS:
It?s not that simple. Not for me,
anyway.
RALPH:
How is it not simple? Just tell
me why you left me. That?s it.
It?s not so hard, is it? We?re
getting on okay now, aren?t we?
JESS:
I guess, but... you wouldn?t
understand.
RALPH:
I don?t understand now.
JESS:
I know. I just... can we just
leave it for now? I know I?m
being evasive, but it really is
hard for me.
RALPH:
For now? So you will tell me?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 6.
JESS:
Maybe. I don?t know. Sometime.
RALPH:
And this is the best I?ll get,
isn?t it?
JESS:
Pretty much.
Beat.
JESS:
I?m sorry.
RALPH:
Don?t be. I managed to get
something out of you, at least.
JESS:
Yeah, I guess you did.
As they finish talking, ALEX comes back along the path,
from the direction they were walking towards. It is clear
that JESS and RALPH have reached some sort of
understanding, but ALEX and RALPH still don?t like each
other. ALEX seems to have heard at least some of the
conversation.
RALPH:
Got your ball back then?
ALEX:
Yeah, no thanks to you. What was
all that about?
RALPH:
What was what about?
ALEX:
Don?t treat me like a prat. What
were you two talking about?
RALPH:
Depends on what you heard.
ALEX:
Don?t piss me around, I know
something?s up.
RALPH:
So why ask?
ALEX:
Cause I want to know if it?s
true.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 7.
JESS:
Look, whatever you heard, Alex,
it didn?t mean anything.
ALEX:
Yeah right. I heard more than you
think. You?re sick, the pair of
you.
JESS:
Please, Alex, it really isn?t
like that...
ALEX:
I couldn?t care less what it is.
I don?t even care it?s our
cousin, Jess, that doesn?t
matter! But him?
RALPH:
Fuck off.
ALEX:
I mean, it could have been anyone
else and I wouldn?t give a flying
fuck, but Lord Tosser? Are you
really that desperate?
JESS:
What are you going to say to Mum
and Dad?
ALEX:
I?m not saying a word. I told
you, I don?t care about that, I
just can?t believe you were
having it off with this wanker...
RALPH:
Say that to my face.
ALEX:
Oh yeah, you?d like that,
wouldn?t you? Think you?re hard?
This ain?t your fancy fighting
like down South, this is the real
stuff! Wanna have a go?
As the group argue, ALEX and RALPH begin to square off
against each other, while JESS attempts to come between
them. Without warning, RALPH punches ALEX in the face, and
the two begin to fight in earnest, close to the edge of
the path. RALPH surprises ALEX by fighting dirty, and the
two struggle while JESS attempts to break them apart.
Eventually, JESS manages to pull them apart and away from
the edge, as she screams her next line.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 8.
JESS:
Ralph, I was pregnant!
This shocks both ALEX and RALPH, who break apart and stand
away from each other, with JESS in the middle. Her words
have stunned them both into silence, just as JESS
intended.
JESS:
Ralph, you wanted closure. Here
it is. I was sixteen, I was
pregnant. I couldn?t tell anyone
and I got rid of it. That?s why I
left.
JESS is close to tears at this point, and struggles to
speak. Meanwhile, RALPH has managed to regain the power of
speech.
RALPH:
Why... why couldn?t you tell me?
JESS:
I didn?t say a word to anyone...
what would everyone think? I
wasn?t even seeing anyone, apart
from you... no-one knew about
us... what would the family have
said?
RALPH:
We could have faced it... we
could have stood up to them...
JESS:
And then what? I could have come
with you to London? We could have
been a family? More of a family?
It wouldn?t have worked... we
were too young...
RALPH:
Jess, all I wanted then was to be
with you. We could have made it
work. We would have...
JESS:
It?s too late. It?s too late to
keep saying "we could" or "we
would"...
RALPH:
But we...
JESS:
Don?t you dare. Don?t you fucking
dare say it again. It?s too
late...
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 9.
RALPH:
I loved you. I still do. It would
have worked.
JESS:
I said don?t say it!
With this, JESS storms off towards the Castle Folly.
During the dialogue, ALEX has stood aside, stunned.
ALEX:
Let her go.
RALPH:
I?m not leaving this...
ALEX:
Just let her go! Fuck it, why
can?t you just listen for once?
RALPH starts to follow JESS, but with ALEX?s words he
decides to stay. There is a brief pause.
ALEX:
Maybe you?re not so bad.
RALPH:
What?
ALEX:
I mean, you?re still a twat. But
you offered to stay. You would
have stayed, you would have been
a dad. And a cousin, but still...
Beat.
ALEX:
Counts for something, right?
RALPH:
(pauses) Yeah...
They stand together and watch JESS walk away. Though ALEX
and RALPH have found common ground and have formed a sort
of truce, it is unclear whether JESS will be able to
forgive them anytime soon.
FADE OUT.
By
Trivun Luzaic
Based on an idea by Lucy-Ruth Hathaway and Martin Hendry
Property of Trivun Luzaic Contact information:
Mobile: 07974117883
Email:
[email protected]
EXT. RAVINE PATH, ROUNDHAY PARK
We open to a scene of the three characters (RALPH, JESS
AND ALEX) walking along the ravine path, in the direction
of the Castle Folly (off-screen). As they walk, ALEX is
kicking a football, while the others walk in silence.
RALPH looks annoyed at his younger cousin?s energetic
attitude and kicks the ball away, down the valley to the
stream below.
ALEX:
What the hell was that for?
RALPH:
You?re boring me. Go fetch.
ALEX:
Fuck you, I?m not getting that.
You kicked it, you get it.
RALPH:
Oh, spare it. Just go down and
get your ball, there?s a good
lad.
ALEX is angry and thinks about hitting RALPH, but
ultimately decides it?s not worth the effort. He starts to
climb down the ravine - as he gets out of earshot, JESS
starts speaking.
JESS:
What did you do that for? What
was he doing to you, really?
RALPH:
He just pisses me off. It?s not
as if I even want to be here
anyway.
JESS:
Don?t start this again, please...
RALPH:
I?m not starting anything, I?m
just saying.
They stand in silence for a moment.
RALPH:
Actually, I was hoping we could
talk.
JESS:
We?ve been over this. I don?t
care.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 2.
RALPH:
Are we going to be like this
every time we see each other? I
don?t want things to stay awkward
between us.
JESS:
Too late. I didn?t even want you
up here, you came here yourself.
RALPH:
For my grandad?s birthday. Our
grandad.
JESS:
Doesn?t matter. I didn?t force
you here.
RALPH:
Look, you know what I want.
JESS:
Do I? What do you want, Ralph?
Really? Because you?re not having
me any more.
RALPH:
You think I don?t know that? All
I want is some closure.
JESS:
And I don?t want to give you any,
so deal with it.
JESS walks away from RALPH, further up the path. ALEX is
still at the bottom of the ravine, looking for his ball.
RALPH follows JESS as she walks away and attempts to talk
to her.
RALPH:
What exactly is your problem with
me?
JESS:
Leave me alone.
RALPH:
No.
JESS:
You?re not helping anyone here.
Just drop it.
RALPH:
You don?t get off that easy. What
happened to us, Jess?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 3.
JESS:
We were kids. We grew up, that?s
what happened.
RALPH:
It?s been three years, that?s not
really a lot of time to ?grow
up?.
JESS:
It?s enough for me.
RALPH decides to wait a little for JESS to calm down. They
carry on walking in silence.
RALPH:
We should wait for your brother
to catch up.
JESS:
The path curves around, he?ll be
coming this way.
RALPH:
I suppose. Even Alex isn?t stupid
enough to try climbing up here.
JESS:
Why do you keep putting him down
all the time? I can understand
you having a problem with me, but
he hasn?t done anything to you.
RALPH:
I just think he?s rude, arrogant,
annoying...
JESS:
Pots and kettles, Ralph.
Another pause.
RALPH:
I?m still not going to let this
go.
JESS:
I didn?t expect you to. Still
won?t make me answer you.
RALPH:
Fine. Be as stubborn as you want.
I guess that?s just another thing
we?ve got in common anyway.
Beat.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 4.
RALPH:
So, what are your plans then,
anyway? Still going to uni?
JESS:
That?s a bit out of left field,
isn?t it?
RALPH:
I just wondered. Well?
JESS:
Yeah, still planning it. Not sure
where I?ll go yet.
RALPH:
What did you want to do?
JESS:
Childcare.
She seems evasive, as if she?s hiding something. It is
clear that ?childcare? means something bigger to JESS than
RALPH is able to pick up on.
JESS:
What about you? You still with
that girl in London? What was her
name, Alice or something?
RALPH:
Allie. And yeah, we?re still
together. I asked her to move in
with me last month.
JESS replies sarcastically.
JESS:
Oh, that?s nice. And have you
told her about your cousins from
up north at all?
RALPH:
I haven?t mentioned you, if
that?s what you mean.
JESS:
No, I didn?t think you would.
RALPH:
You know, considering you didn?t
want to talk about it you seem to
be bringing it up an awful lot.
JESS:
Well, I can?t avoid it, can I?
Not while you keep insisting on
getting a straight answer.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 5.
RALPH:
So I?m breaking you then?
JESS:
Maybe.
RALPH:
All these half answers, avoiding
the question... you?re more like
me than you think.
JESS:
Would it be too cliche to say I?m
nothing like you?
RALPH:
Yes, it would.
During the conversation, JESS and RALPH start being a bit
friendlier to each other, and they seem to remember the
happier times during their previous relationship.
RALPH:
Look, I don?t want to keep
pushing it. I know we ended
things pretty badly and I know
that?s partly my fault. All I
want is closure. Then we can both
move on and forget it ever
happened.
JESS:
It?s not that simple. Not for me,
anyway.
RALPH:
How is it not simple? Just tell
me why you left me. That?s it.
It?s not so hard, is it? We?re
getting on okay now, aren?t we?
JESS:
I guess, but... you wouldn?t
understand.
RALPH:
I don?t understand now.
JESS:
I know. I just... can we just
leave it for now? I know I?m
being evasive, but it really is
hard for me.
RALPH:
For now? So you will tell me?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 6.
JESS:
Maybe. I don?t know. Sometime.
RALPH:
And this is the best I?ll get,
isn?t it?
JESS:
Pretty much.
Beat.
JESS:
I?m sorry.
RALPH:
Don?t be. I managed to get
something out of you, at least.
JESS:
Yeah, I guess you did.
As they finish talking, ALEX comes back along the path,
from the direction they were walking towards. It is clear
that JESS and RALPH have reached some sort of
understanding, but ALEX and RALPH still don?t like each
other. ALEX seems to have heard at least some of the
conversation.
RALPH:
Got your ball back then?
ALEX:
Yeah, no thanks to you. What was
all that about?
RALPH:
What was what about?
ALEX:
Don?t treat me like a prat. What
were you two talking about?
RALPH:
Depends on what you heard.
ALEX:
Don?t piss me around, I know
something?s up.
RALPH:
So why ask?
ALEX:
Cause I want to know if it?s
true.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 7.
JESS:
Look, whatever you heard, Alex,
it didn?t mean anything.
ALEX:
Yeah right. I heard more than you
think. You?re sick, the pair of
you.
JESS:
Please, Alex, it really isn?t
like that...
ALEX:
I couldn?t care less what it is.
I don?t even care it?s our
cousin, Jess, that doesn?t
matter! But him?
RALPH:
Fuck off.
ALEX:
I mean, it could have been anyone
else and I wouldn?t give a flying
fuck, but Lord Tosser? Are you
really that desperate?
JESS:
What are you going to say to Mum
and Dad?
ALEX:
I?m not saying a word. I told
you, I don?t care about that, I
just can?t believe you were
having it off with this wanker...
RALPH:
Say that to my face.
ALEX:
Oh yeah, you?d like that,
wouldn?t you? Think you?re hard?
This ain?t your fancy fighting
like down South, this is the real
stuff! Wanna have a go?
As the group argue, ALEX and RALPH begin to square off
against each other, while JESS attempts to come between
them. Without warning, RALPH punches ALEX in the face, and
the two begin to fight in earnest, close to the edge of
the path. RALPH surprises ALEX by fighting dirty, and the
two struggle while JESS attempts to break them apart.
Eventually, JESS manages to pull them apart and away from
the edge, as she screams her next line.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 8.
JESS:
Ralph, I was pregnant!
This shocks both ALEX and RALPH, who break apart and stand
away from each other, with JESS in the middle. Her words
have stunned them both into silence, just as JESS
intended.
JESS:
Ralph, you wanted closure. Here
it is. I was sixteen, I was
pregnant. I couldn?t tell anyone
and I got rid of it. That?s why I
left.
JESS is close to tears at this point, and struggles to
speak. Meanwhile, RALPH has managed to regain the power of
speech.
RALPH:
Why... why couldn?t you tell me?
JESS:
I didn?t say a word to anyone...
what would everyone think? I
wasn?t even seeing anyone, apart
from you... no-one knew about
us... what would the family have
said?
RALPH:
We could have faced it... we
could have stood up to them...
JESS:
And then what? I could have come
with you to London? We could have
been a family? More of a family?
It wouldn?t have worked... we
were too young...
RALPH:
Jess, all I wanted then was to be
with you. We could have made it
work. We would have...
JESS:
It?s too late. It?s too late to
keep saying "we could" or "we
would"...
RALPH:
But we...
JESS:
Don?t you dare. Don?t you fucking
dare say it again. It?s too
late...
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 9.
RALPH:
I loved you. I still do. It would
have worked.
JESS:
I said don?t say it!
With this, JESS storms off towards the Castle Folly.
During the dialogue, ALEX has stood aside, stunned.
ALEX:
Let her go.
RALPH:
I?m not leaving this...
ALEX:
Just let her go! Fuck it, why
can?t you just listen for once?
RALPH starts to follow JESS, but with ALEX?s words he
decides to stay. There is a brief pause.
ALEX:
Maybe you?re not so bad.
RALPH:
What?
ALEX:
I mean, you?re still a twat. But
you offered to stay. You would
have stayed, you would have been
a dad. And a cousin, but still...
Beat.
ALEX:
Counts for something, right?
RALPH:
(pauses) Yeah...
They stand together and watch JESS walk away. Though ALEX
and RALPH have found common ground and have formed a sort
of truce, it is unclear whether JESS will be able to
forgive them anytime soon.
FADE OUT.
