Writing Workshop (Interest Thread)

Recommended Videos

Febel

New member
Jul 16, 2010
489
0
0
Would anyone else be interesting in forming some sort of writing workshop for the RP forum? Like, one could post an example of their own writing from RPs they are in and others could provide constructive criticism and the like. In my experience peer review is by far the best way to improve one's writing and I wondering if anyone else felt the same way?
 

JoJo

and the Amazing Technicolour Dream Goat 🐐
Moderator
Legacy
Mar 31, 2010
7,172
150
68
Country
šŸ‡¬šŸ‡§
Gender
♂
I would be possibly interested in this idea, I wouldn't mind giving and receiving some reviews.
 

revolverwolf

New member
Jul 1, 2008
2,840
0
0
Tips_of_Fingers said:
I often wondered why this had never been considered before. Sounds like a good idea to me. = D
It has been considered before. It lasted a while and then people stopped using it because... no real reason, as far as I remember. People just stopped using it. Could have been that no-one was reviewing stuff or that no-one wanted to have their work criticised.

But hey, if people can keep this active I guess it'd be kinda nice. I'll probably never use the thread but the option's available for those who want it, I guess.
 

tobi the good boy

New member
Dec 16, 2007
1,229
0
0
Noooo, even the slightest criticism will send me into a spiral of depression involving copious amounts of ice scream and eventually crack cocaine!

OT: Sounds like a good idea to me.
 

TheIronRuler

New member
Mar 18, 2011
4,283
0
0
Febel said:
Would anyone else be interesting in forming some sort of writing workshop for the RP forum? Like, one could post an example of their own writing from RPs they are in and others could provide constructive criticism and the like. In my experience peer review is by far the best way to improve one's writing and I wondering if anyone else felt the same way?
.
It's a great idea. I support it.
 

Febel

New member
Jul 16, 2010
489
0
0
Deviate said:
Why not? What kind of restrictions would there be on the writing though?
None really, I suppose. If it's something that could be posted in the RP forum here it could be posted up. Or hell, if you've got a short story or something you want edited you could put that up as well. I'd be lying if I said I'd thought through all the rules and such of it, I was just putting the idea out there. I guess I'll start...

Taken from Shadows Of the Universe
http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/540.314737-Shadows-of-the-Universe-Sci-fi-Action-RP-Started-Closed?page=1
The Diablo roared at him. Even from a distance of a couple dozen meters its breath blew back the fabric of his fatigues.
"alright, bigjobs." He muttered, more to himself than to it, "I've taken on a tank 1 on 1 before. I think I can take you on." He pulled out a lump of putty explosive from his pack and ran at it. It was tough on the outside but he doubted its insides would be as strong.
...
Several moments later, after he had dragged himself up off the sand, he evaluated what had happened. The Diablo had been much faster than he'd expected. It had swatted him aside the moment he'd gotten into range. He was beginning to doubt his initial confidence. His vision was blurred and his head was spinning. He tried to lift himself up but it seemed like all his limbs were suddenly made of lead.
Concussion, probably. he thought, mind feeling drunk on its own chemicals, That's the downside of these enhancements. I know for a fact there's not a broken bone in my body after that but my brain's been rattled around like it was on a damn rollercoaster.
He turned his head the few degrees he felt he could and looked at his arm.
The power armor's completely bent up. And I don't think I had that many shards of metal embedded in my forearm when I ran at it. Probably why everything seems so heavy. Got dead weight keeping me down.
He was half aware of Private Hall sprinting towards the beast from behind. He watched as the private delivered a few rounds into a Shade that had crawled out of the hole after him before dropping his rifle and scooping up the explosives Jarmen had dropped when he took the hit. What was that airheaded idiot trying to do? Hall leaped up onto the Diablo's back and slung his arm over the side of the beasts head. He then swung up and shoved the charge into the beast's mouth, his arm disappearing up to the shoulder. The beast finally took notice, grabbing Hall's other arm between two fingers and smashing him bodily to the ground. The impact was enough to neatly separate the arm the Diablo was holding from the rest of Hall. Hall bounced heavily several times before coming to a rest a few yards from Jarmen. The boy's head was completely caved in, blood and brain matter leaking out of it onto the ground. Kell knew he wouldn't be getting back up, even with Damien's considerably "talents." The Diablo turned back to Kell, ignoring the fire coming from the rest of the WINGS squad and began plodding over to him. Kell looked back at Hall's body.
It looks so red... he thought, watching blood spurt lazily from the stump where Hall's arm had once been. This is how it usually is, isn't it? You know you're going to die so you start to really take in all the details. Every pebble, every shadow on the wall, every stitch in the fabric of your uniform. They all seem so important, like you have to memorize every last thing about what you're seeing before you...leave.
He was sure he could hear someone yelling his name over the ringing in his ears. Jason? One of the WINGS members? One of the recruits? Maggie? He watched the Diablo lift its leg up over his head.
It's going to step on me. Like a fucking cockroach. What a stupid, suitable way to die. I hope I start to stink after a couple of days and you have to stop and try to wipe me off, you bastard.
The Diablo stopped mid raise. Its stomach seemed to expand for a split second. It wobbled briefly, imbalanced on its one leg before taking several stumbling steps back and bending over, clutching it's chest.
Oh look, Kell thought dimly, It looks like the charge actually did something.
A renewed hail of gunfire from both the WINGS and recruits caused the beast to stumble back even further. It kept both arms wrapped over its midsection, apparently trying to protect itself from any further damage to the area.
He slowly rolled over onto his back, listening to the gunfire and the shouts of his teammates. The Diablo seemed to have regained its composure and he heard its heavy footfalls growing closer. He became aware of an ever blurring figure sprinting towards him. As it got closer it focused and he realized it was Jason, a look of honest concern on his face. He felt Jason hook his arms under his shoulders and begin to drag him to his feet. The sudden jolt brought with it vertigo a hundred times worse than it had been. A brown haze began to fill his vision. He watched as Camilla and Rick ran up beside Jason, laying heavy fire on the Diablo and backing up alongside him. The loud *Thumps* of Hunter's heavy carbine echoed in his ears.
Well, I'm never going to live this down. I guess I've earned a little nap after that. And so has the private.
For just a moment, most of his vision completely blotted out and his mind going blank, he looked back at the corpse of Private Hall, now hundreds of yards away and getting farther still as Kell was dragged into a medivac transport.
It looks so red... Was his final thought again before he passed out. As he was unconscious he dreamed of a certain song. One he hadn't heard in quite some time.

I already know this demonstrates one of my biggest flaws. I write way too fucking much. I get a scene in my head and I have to describe every little thing exactly as I see it because otherwise it just won't be perfect.
 

ThreeWords

New member
Feb 27, 2009
5,179
0
0
I would like to signify my approval of this idea. I'll form up some thoughts on the above post, as well...

Bleh, double post...
 

ThreeWords

New member
Feb 27, 2009
5,179
0
0
Febel said:
-Shadows of the Universe-
What this needs, in my opinion, is compression. My favourite way to do this is by using compound sentences, so that a bunch of stuff happens within the same 'idea', and it doesn't feel like a list. The other option, of course, is not to use an adjective unless it's in order to make a point, and to make sure that each sentence is for a particular purpose in the act of storytelling.

On the other hand, the overload of short, sharp sentences works really well when you are illustrating his intense absorption of detail, just before being stomped on.

Something else that jarred for me was this:

... and ran at it. It was tough on the outside ...
I find the double 'it' weird, and I personally always try to replace one or both with some other word.

[sup]I've realised why no one does reviews: I feel super-pretentious in handing out my opinion. Hope it helps...[/sup]
 

TheIronRuler

New member
Mar 18, 2011
4,283
0
0
Hey, I have something that I wanted someone to go through.
.
Black.

I feel wind blowing on my face. I am breathing heavily. I can hear an undistinguishable screech behind me. I notice my feet are moving. I want to stop but my body just pushes forward. I ready myself to turn around. I can hear someone breathing behind me. His voice is familiar.

"RUN" he screams. Another undistinguishable screech makes me move my feet faster. I notice where I'm running to now. I'm in a metal hallway, with tubes on the sides and a wall in front of me.

A wall is in my way. I don't know what I should do. I keep running, my feet emit a sound of coins hitting one another. I wear something metallic on my legs.

Turn. I hold a horizontal pipe with on my right and turn the corner without losing much momentum. I can hear that voice again. It's crying out for help.

I keep running straight. Sweat is dripping on the floor, some splashing on a surface, other drops continue down. "Get ready" I can hear a voice of a woman. I can't see anything in front of me. I don't want to turn around and lose momentum.

I can hear that thing again. It's not a screech like earlier but more of a crunching sound. I worry for a moment, could that be the voice from earlier?

I can't hear him anymore.

Turn. I see a metal plate placed against the corner. I jump on it with my right foot and launch myself around the corner.

There's a wall in front of me. "Are you ready?" the female voice from earlier shouts at me. I can't see her. I can't keep on running; I'm running out of stamina.

What am I running from?

I am flying in the air. I can't feel the floor beneath my feet. I can't breathe. Am I going to hear the same sound from earlier, that crunching sound?

I hit the floor again, but I don't land on my feet. I have to get up. I have to run through the corridor. I have to escape this place. What is this place?

It's not a narrow corridor. A large room, made from the same metallic material I saw in the hallway. "I'm glad you're alive." I can hear that female voice from earlier. I turn around and face a woman, she's about my height.

She is very tall. I'm a tall man, so she must be abnormal. "What is your-" I stop. This isn't my voice. That voice isn't mine, it's feminine. What is going on?

"Are you fine, chief?" the woman addresses me. She looks fine. She has short blonde hair, almond colored eyes, and a very pretty face for a soldier. She is a soldier?

I don't know how I know that. But it feels right, it feels true. She holds something in her right hand. It looks like a pistol from a sci-fi flick.

I pause for a moment and look at my hands. I'm black.

Why am I black?

"I'm very sorry for your loss. Roy was a great man" the woman says softly. She comes closer to me, placing her hand over my right shoulder. "But we can't let him die in vain. We need to leave this wretched place and tell everyone what we saw here. We need to-" I interrupt her in the middle of her sentence, "Who is Roy?" I ask her.

Her face turns white. She takes a step back and adjusts her grip on the pistol looking thing in her right hand. "Are you O.K. , chief?" she says as she slowly raises her right hand.

This is a 'do or die' moment. I am a woman. I am black. This man Roy is important to me, this man? "I love my husband!" I blurt out. My Husband?

My heart beats faster. I sit on the cold metal floor with my hand over my chest. I have breasts. I did feel strange when I was running earlier. "Chief, get yourself together and lets go" the woman says.

I smile. This is a dream, but I can still enjoy it. "What do we have" I ask the woman. The woman shows me the pistol looking device, "I found this old thing lying around. There are two magazines for it and a bullet box. I can't believe they still use-" I interrupt her"-Old thing, huh? This is nice. We move out now" I grab the pistol looking device and aim it at the opposite wall.

"Where is the exit?" I ask the woman. I can hear the screech from earlier. The thing is getting closer. The woman looks nervous. "I found two exits. One leading to where you came from, only one level lower, I don't know where the other one goes to" she says.

The thing gets closer. I can somehow feel it. "Chief, do you have a plan?" the woman asks me.
Another screech. I can hear it racing through the lower floor, were I came from. The woman looks at that direction, "We're about to find out where the other exit is heading" I say as I start running towards the other exit.

Did that thing eat My Husband-no, did he eat that man Roy?

What is that thing?
.
White.

A blinding light forces me to close my eyes. I can't move. Something is holding me in place; something is making me stay here.

Where is here?

"I'm so sorry" I can hear a feminine voice apologize to me, immediately afterwards the light becomes dimmer. "Don't apologize to the test subject!" I can hear a male voice yell at the female, and then I hear a thud.

Test Subject?

I need to leave this place. I begin wrestling through these cuffs on my hands and ankles. "Start the machine" I can hear the male voice command someone.

What is that machine?

There is no time to waste. I need to escape; I need to free myself of this? this unknown thing; for this? unknown reason. I feel I am in danger, somehow I know.

I can hear a sound; A distinct mechanic sound? of a drill. I am a test subject, tied to this thing, and there is a drill nearby.

I need to escape.

I cry. I use all of my strength to escape this place. I pray to all of the deities I know of, I beg of them to help me.

White Again.

I break free of the chains. My head starts spinning ? I think I'm in a room. The color of the wall changes from metallic white to red and then back to metallic white. An alarm sounds off.

The test subject escaped.

My hands still have the cuffs on them. I look around me and see a platform with three men on it. I walk towards then, and they run the other way towards the sealed off door.

My legs feel different, they feel much heavier. My whole body feels heavier, yet I move with ease. Without noticing I already reached the three men. "Please don't hurt us" one of them says. It was the voice from earlier. The voice that tried to spare me.

I feel pain. Something hurts in my right shoulder. I see one of the other men aim something at me.

I close my eyes and pound my fists into them.

I open them.

In a sea of blood, organs and bones, the remains of two individuals flow while one very terrified woman stands still, shaking.

"I will protect-" I stop.

This voice isn't human.

I turn around and face a group of armed men. "Open fire" one of them cries out. I turn my back on them and protect her, my last attempt to grip sanity.

It hurts.

The metal bullets hurt.

White again.

I open my eyes and see the group of men turned into mush. These trained soldiers, sent here to protect these dedicated scientists, died in - why do I know all of this?

I can't remember a thing.

I return to the woman and put her on my back. "I will help you" I say in my inhuman voice. She stays silent. I break the metal door down and enter a corridor.

I follow it till I reach a large room filled with people. I can see them eating. Some have metal items, others wear white clothes.

The woman screams for help. I've been betrayed. My link to sanity severed.

White again.

I blink, and I see myself holding a man in my hand, like I used to hold toys. Why can I remember that, but I can't remember my name?

The man breaks free from my grip.

"Roy, let's go" I hear a woman cry out. She runs to the exit, the man following her.

Blood is everywhere. What have I done?

I turn around and look at the red liquid that covers the floor. I touch my chest with my hand. It is filled with holes. It's huge, and so is my hand.

Why did I kill them all?

What am I?

ThreeWords said:
 

ThreeWords

New member
Feb 27, 2009
5,179
0
0
TheIronRuler said:
ThreeWords said:
TheIronRuler said:
ThreeWords said:
That someone being be, I suppose?

[sup]I'll be glad to[/sup]
.
You should note that this is a writing style I've been experimenting with lately. So... It isn't conventional. At all. It's supposed to be fragmented and rushed.
The story is chilling, but the actual wording is awkward and clumsy; not fragmented enough in my opinion. In Black, you have the right idea with the short sentences to illustrate focus born of panic, but the narrator finds time to sound quite analytical as s/he considers stamina. It ought to be replaced with something about it ebing hard to breath, or limbs feeling heavy; limit the narration to that which you can actually consider when you are running for your life.

If this is an exercise in style, I can see where you're going with it, but it needs more work.

I would quite like to know where this came from; if it?s an RP, I want in, and if it?s an exercise in creative writing, I want to see more.

[sup]God, I sound like an arsehole when I give criticism[/sup]
 

TheIronRuler

New member
Mar 18, 2011
4,283
0
0
ThreeWords said:
TheIronRuler said:
ThreeWords said:
TheIronRuler said:
ThreeWords said:
That someone being be, I suppose?

[sup]I'll be glad to[/sup]
.
You should note that this is a writing style I've been experimenting with lately. So... It isn't conventional. At all. It's supposed to be fragmented and rushed.
The story is chilling, but the actual wording is awkward and clumsy; not fragmented enough in my opinion. In Black, you have the right idea with the short sentences to illustrate focus born of panic, but the narrator finds time to sound quite analytical as s/he considers stamina. It ought to be replaced with something about it ebing hard to breath, or limbs feeling heavy; limit the narration to that which you can actually consider when you are running for your life.

If this is an exercise in style, I can see where you're going with it, but it needs more work.

I would quite like to know where this came from; if it?s an RP, I want in, and if it?s an exercise in creative writing, I want to see more.

[sup]God, I sound like an arsehole when I give criticism[/sup]
.
Thank you for reviewing my work.
It does make sense... 'Stamina' does seem to be out of place.
It's an exercise in creative writing, I did it on a whim. Did you understand it? Were you able to grasp the plot floating in the air?
Oh, what about the second story?
(I have some more work to show, but not from the same exercise. A short story)
 

ThreeWords

New member
Feb 27, 2009
5,179
0
0
TheIronRuler said:
.
I Thank you for reviewing my work.
It does make sense... 'Stamina' does seem to be out of place.
It's an exercise in creative writing, I did it on a whim. Did you understand it? Were you able to grasp the plot floating in the air?
Oh, what about the second story?
(I have some more work to show, but not from the same exercise. A short story)
My criticisms covered both, though White felt like you had improved your style between them.

I am assuming that they are two sides to the same story. I think that the narrator in Black is running from the narrator of White; evidently one or both of them have had their memories altered. It struck me that it could be that the experiments on the man/monster may have caused his soul to be broken loose, and settle on the Chief, which would explain his disorientation, and his confusion of gender.

How close am I?
 

TheIronRuler

New member
Mar 18, 2011
4,283
0
0
ThreeWords said:
TheIronRuler said:
.
I Thank you for reviewing my work.
It does make sense... 'Stamina' does seem to be out of place.
It's an exercise in creative writing, I did it on a whim. Did you understand it? Were you able to grasp the plot floating in the air?
Oh, what about the second story?
(I have some more work to show, but not from the same exercise. A short story)
My criticisms covered both, though White felt like you had improved your style between them.

I am assuming that they are two sides to the same story. I think that the narrator in Black is running from the narrator of White; evidently one or both of them have had their memories altered. It struck me that it could be that the experiments on the man/monster may have caused his soul to be broken loose, and settle on the Chief, which would explain his disorientation, and his confusion of gender.

How close am I?
.
They are both sides to the same story. The narrator from Black is indeed running from the narrator from White. That's the fun bit here - They are both disoriented and the only thing that motivates them forward is something they do not understand/remember.
If you pay close attention you can infer that the man from White had been a part of the experiments, perhaps as a scientists or other. While they tried to contain him and experiment on his body, he resisted and fled. When he goes into fits of rage it all turns into White. The narrator from Black was born - he consciousness, that is, from Blackness.
Tried to do a little contrast with as little details as possible. Perhaps they switched? Perhaps it was a moment of insanity? The supernatural?
Meh, F*ck it. I'm not going to explain it, it's exercise!
.
Right, I want to show you a bit of the short story.
.
The Visitor

Four or Three Falcons

"A bed and a meal for the night" I tell the tall white haired man standing behind the counter. He seems preoccupied with six silver Falcon coins on the counter. He takes a coin in his hand, turns around and looks at a woman walking between the tables. "Do ye reckon it be a silver Falcon?" the old man raises his hand and shows her one of the coins, "I think it's real, Pops." The woman replies.

He turns around and faces me, "two for the bed, one for the meal." he tells me. I take one of the Silver Falcon coins from the counter, "I don't use western silver" I tell the old man as I reach for my right jackets' inner pocket. "If I remember correctly the exchange here is eleven to one tenth bullion, right?" I tell the old man. He smiles at me and replies "That'd be four Falcons. I don't enjoy repeating myself".

"A guild half silver is enough for three nights" I say, as I put the Falcon silver coin on the counter and show the old man a guild half silver coin. As I hand him the coin he grabs my hand and quietly says "Be careful young lass. Using guild silver is dangerous to one's abdomen".

I pull away and turn around. A few of the patrons stare at me, such a response is not a surprise. You rarely see people as young as me traveling alone. A few stare at my left arm, hoping to see something interesting. I walk through the tables towards the rooms, "Girl, here's your key, third room." The woman says, immediately afterwards she throws the key towards me. As I raise my left arm to grab it I quickly move my right hand and hold my left sleeve in place. "Good night" I tell her. I'm not discovered yet.

I walk towards the long hallway and enter the small room, barely large enough to fit one of the men I saw inside. I fall on the mattress and begin to undress. My flax hooded jacket with its inner pockets lies on the floor next to my tool belt. "I can clean them tomorrow" I mumble to myself as I stretch on the mattress.

The face on the Falcon looks familiar. It reminds me the face of Lord Edward.

Damn you Edward.
.
.
Memories of a lost time

"This is very uncomfortable", I can barely utter these words while wearing such a tight dress.
"Don't worry, my darling", my mother says under her breath as she stands behind me, trying to close my dress, "Just try and think happy thoughts" she mumbles to herself.

"At least the dress matches your hair, unlike mine" My older sister Darla says while staring at mother, "Why did she get such cute red curls?" Darla whines as she moves her hand over her long blonde hair.

"Enough of this blabbering" says my grandmother, sitting on a stool in the corner of the room, "I think it is her bosom, it might be starting to grow" she added with a smirk on her face.
"She is just getting fatter" Darla stops my grandmother in midsentence, her face turns red as she realizes I might be growing faster than her.

"You have the most beautiful blonde hair" I tell my sister, "And it is so long! How could any man resist your charms?" I continue with my praises. Darla blushes again, but before she could respond I whisper "Maybe that should be enough to distract them from your childlike boyish Figure".
I start giggling while she slowly walks towards me.

My sister puts her hands on my waist "At least I am not a fat child", she says with a condescending tone. While I try to brush her hands off my dress, I feel out of breath as mother closes the dress in an instant.

"It is over" mother declares triumphantly.

She joins my grandmother in the front of the room as they inspect me and my older sister.
Mother stares at me for a few moments, she then turns to her mother and whispers something in her ear. "You are correct; it seems I did forget to enlarge her dress. I suppose she is just growing taller." Grandmother grins and turns to my sister " Darla, my dear, it seems your sister would not outmatch you yet ".

Darla begins to move her eyes from her chest to mine, then standing near me and trying to measure how tall she is compared to me.

"Don't worry Darla. She will grow to be a fine woman after you will leave the house with your handsome husband to be" mother tells Darla. Joined by my grandmother, mother begins laughing hysterically. Darla blushes yet again, while I stare at the door, awaiting a rescue.

"Why are we wearing dresses?" I ask mother with an innocent smile. "What is wrong with my plain trousers?" I continue before she could answer my previous question.

Mother stares at the dirty wooden floor and sighs.

"Jane, do you remember what day it is today?" grandmother cautiously comments. As I struggle to find a suitable answer Darla jumps into the conversation, declaring "Harvest." She slowly moves her lips and repeats herself "HAR-VEST".

"How could we help if we are wearing these dresses?" I yell at Darla. She smiles and asks mother to be excused. Mother refuses, stating that we both should stay. Mother turns to a shelf behind her and barely manages to reach for a heavy dusty book lying on its side on top of the shelf.

"Could you please use the shorter version?" Darla begs mother. Mother nods and then she returns the book on top of the shelf.

"Do you remember what you did last year with Mother?" Mother asks me patiently. I walk towards a stool behind me and sit on it, "I was helping grandmother with bouquets" I say as I try to remember more details about last years' events.

"Harvest is a new beginning. It is also when we have a festival." Mother says quickly, as though she had repeated these words countless times before. "You were too young at the time but now you are old enough to watch" grandmother comments. "But not to participate" Darla awkwardly interrupts the lecture.

"It is a festival that celebrates fertility. We thank the goddess for her fruits of the field and ask her for fruits of the womb" mother tells me of the upcoming event.

"But I am too young for this sort of thing" I tell my mother, feeling more awkward than before after hearing her explanation, "I'm just fourteen. There is no need for such things" I tell my mother.

"No need to worry, Jane." Darla softly whispers in my ear. I feel reassured, but I am still wary of the festival. "Can I stay with grandmother?" I ask Darla. "Of course you can, my dear Jane. We will be making some bouquets for the new visitors" grandmother smiles at me.

I smile back at grandmother and head towards our room, but before I could enter it I heard my mother saying "We're leaving now. Come with us". I turned around and walked out of our little hovel.

A cool afternoon breeze passes by. The sun blinds me for a few moments but it doesn't stop me from gazing upon the entire village. I cling to my grandmothers' dress and walk by her side.
"Who's the man in the castle" I say as I point at a person standing on top of the stone wall. "That is Lord Edward, he is our protector. You might catch a glimpse of him today" Darla says. "But I meant that man" I repeat myself and point at the man on the stone wall again. "That's a spotter. He watches the roads for anything suspicious" my mother answers my question.

After a few steps my grandmother suddenly stops. "You're old enough, Jane. You can let go of me now" she says. She takes my hands and moves them away from her dress "Go out and play. There is still time till we begin" she tells me with a reassuring smile.

I let go of her and begin walking towards the village center, staring at the huts and hovels along the path. I approach the center square surrounded with a low fence and in the middle there is a statue of the faceless goddess. I see a crowd gathering and I hear people shouting about their pies and apples, claiming they are the best in the village.
.
.
Wonders of the Goddess

There is one other thing in my room besides the mattress. There is a wooden plaque nailed to a wooden walling which separates my room and room number four. It seems I am having trouble sleeping, so I have some time to read it.

I stand up and turn towards the plaque. "Wonders of the Goddess" are the first words carved on the wood. "That genius" I say out loud. I know the man behind this ingenious scheme, but I am still curious as to how he managed to implement it in the west.

"A place of worship, a place of peace" are the words I read next. "In the Wonders of the Goddess she can be worshipped and praised" I continue readings the carving on the wood. "Here your children can be educated and taken care of. This is a place of worship and any may rest here on a pilgrimage." I can't read any more of this nonsense.

I never thought a nursery and a brothel can exist in the same house. Pilgrims surely come there regularly for fine company. That is genius advertising, "A Tower of Danius approves." is scribbled at the bottom of the plaque. I wonder if they really know what is going on in Danius from their tower, religious fools. They probably think he is spreading the word of 'our lady', helping orphans and sheltering pilgrims.

My uncle is truly gifted. What is his name? Ah, now I remember. His name is Bartholomew.
.
.
Secrets of the Plaque revealed

As I search through the crowd for my friends, I spot my uncle Bartholomew sitting together with a group of men singing songs and drinking.

I don't want to get lost among the crowd so I go in the direction of the only person I know, my uncle. As I approach him I recognize the singing as prayer songs simplified for children, the likes I used to sing when I was younger. He suddenly stops singing and he grabs the two totems on the table and throws them as if they were dice. I try to squeeze through the crowd watching the spectacle and I manage to grab my uncles' shirt.

"Uncle; uncle!" I shout at him in all of the commotion. "Are you here for the festival?" I shout at him again. The atmosphere is now tense as Bartholomew looks at the two totems and smiles, graciously taking all of the seeds in a bowl at the center of the table. As he begins counting them I ask him again, this time I get closer to his ear "Uncle! It's me Jane!" I tell him. He is surprised when he notices me but his face quickly reverts to joy when he looks at his friends.

"Hello my dear Jane. Where is my sister?" he asks me. Someone pushes me towards the table and I topple the totems a man at the table placed a few moments ago.

"Be careful, girl!" He screams at me. "Enough, you can't yell at a child" Bartholomew tells the rude man. Before he could open his mouth, I lean over the table and tell him "I will trade your apology for an explanation" before he could answer I continue to ask him "You are grown-ups, you can read her songs and worship her, and you don't need a silly tune for children! Then why are you playing this game?" At that moment the crowd went silent. I am petrified; I think I said something wrong.

Bartholomew takes the seeds he has in his bowl at the table and tells a man in the corner he is done for the day. The man nods and takes the seeds behind his wooden stall, with the sign "Wonders of the Goddess" written on it. He returns with a handful of minted silver coins with the bust of the castle lord on them and on the other side family symbol 'The Lion', the current year, the silver in it and a verse from 'her songs'. The man smiles at me and hands me a small silver ball while Bartholomew waves the crowd goodbye.

"He didn't answer my question" I tell my uncle as we walk through the square. "We should go and visit your mother. I haven?t said I was coming" He said to me with a smile. We walked for a while and left the square, being offered another pie on our way, we sat down on a tree trunk in the outskirts of the village, eating a rather surprisingly delicious pastry.

"You should keep that ball. If you ever go to the city you might want to buy a souvenir." My uncle mumbled with a mouth full of dough. "What about the totems?" I ask him.

"Do you remember the time I had to sleep in the same room with all you four?" He says and then he bursts into laughter "I feel asleep over Darla, and then your mother came in and?" I look at him while he tries to subdue his unexpected burst of laughter.

"I never told you the reason I came here because you were too young "He stares at the ground as he talks with me, "I owed some men a debt." He continued. "They would scare you away for a few measly coins?" I tell him while I put my hand over his knee, trying to imitate mother when I am upset.

"I owed them much more than that. I had to leave or they would have hurt me" it is difficult for him to say that out loud, even more to his fourteen year old nice. "Uncle, I don?t want to hear any stories in which you get hurt" I tell him with a soft tone. He smiles at me and looks up towards the square "Your mother decided you are old enough for the festival. Therefore you are old enough for this story" he sighs.
"Why would they hurt you if they want you to pay them your debt?" I ask my Uncle. He looks at the two totems, "The Goddess created all men equal. None should be a slave to another" he recites the preachers' words but then he adds "But it happens. Men turn greedy and take what is not theirs, human lives. ". He shudders.

"But the tower won't allow them that!" I raise my voice at my uncle, "The tower protects all men equally, it enforces the laws and ?" he moves his hand over my mouth and stops me. "They never served the common people. Its sole purpose is to maintain a charade. But this is not important; you should not dwell in politics. You need to remember one thing ? You make your own fate" he moves his hand from my mouth over to my shoulder.

"I had some unfortunate encounters with the law in the kings' city, which led to the troublesome event of my bankruptcy. I had to find an investor or a loan to rebuild myself and therefore I made a mistake. After a few months of rebuilding a collector came to my doorstep, and I ran." He breathes deeply and then looks at the sky. "It's rather cloudy today, I hope there won't be any ?" I stop uncle before he continues "Uncle, you promised to tell me the story." I say.

"Most of it is not important. I came to another city, became a sorcerers' apprentice and then a nobleman." he snickers, but I look at him with a frown "continue" I say, "I came here and thought of gambling my way out of this debt" he says with pride.

"I noticed that this land has a gambling tax, which means that the house always wins." He throws one of the totems in the air and catches it with his other hand. "So I became the house. The lord no longer profits from our gambling and I live comfortably in the next village of Rothenheim, a couple of days on foot." He throws both of the totems in the air and tells me to catch them. I fail miserably, as I pick up the two totems Bartholomew looks at the celebrations in the square.

"Firstly, what do you know about the totems?" he suddenly asks me with a burst of energy. I look up at the clouds and I try to repeat the words I heard when I was younger, "to teach us of the ways of the goddess" I awkwardly say.

"There are two of them. They both shape like rectangles and are made of wood. The first has the four seasons ? summer, winter, spring and fall. The second has the four actions all made throughout the year ? harvest, plough, plant and grow." As he talks he shows me each side of the totems with the names and pictures of the seasons and actions.

"The game also involves seeds. That way when we are caught, it appears we are playing a game and teaching children like you about the Goddess." Bartholomew smiles and points at me, "Whenever you transfer your hard earned silver to seeds, or vice versa ?" he says, but I interrupt him "You take a fee for the service" I complete his sentence. He nods and says "You shouldn't forget that the chance for a person to win is 1:8. Whenever the table loses, the house takes the pot. That'd be me." He points at himself with pride.

"Now you can stop harassing dedicated gamblers with your questions. Go and find your mother, and tell her I ?" he says but I interrupt him "What did you mean by greedy men? Are there slaves here?" I cautiously ask him. Bartholomew stands up and declares "We are all slaves; we are slaves to our country, slaves to our monarch, slaves to our family ,slaves to our morals and slaves to our desires." . I am surprised at his declaration but I think I understand his way of thought.

We greet each other goodbye, and he tells me I should inform my mother of his arrival. I take a few steps away from Bartholomew and I look up at the sky. I am surprised to see the daylight fading away, and as I look at the square I can see people lighting candles for the event.
.
.
 

ThreeWords

New member
Feb 27, 2009
5,179
0
0
TheIronRuler said:
The story ends with this passage:

We greet each other goodbye, and he tells me I should inform my mother of his arrival. I take a few steps away from Bartholomew and I look up at the sky. I am surprised to see the daylight fading away, and as I look at the square I can see people lighting candles for the event.
.
To me, it seems incomplete. Is there some missing, or are you going for a relatively subtle message?

As for style, there's nothing immediately wrong with the delivery. Occasionally, you repeat a phrase in such a way that it feels odd, and there is the odd grating phrase; "bad for you abdomen" makes for an awkward threat, for example.

The other thing is that you use a limited narrator, but occasionally your descriptions seems to be omniscient, and don't fit the youthful aspect of the past-version narrator.

Finally, you put wrote "fourteen year old nice", which won't come up on you spell check.
 

Febel

New member
Jul 16, 2010
489
0
0
Huh. I thought this thread had died entirely. Guess I just hadn't been paying it enough attention.
ThreeWords said:
Febel said:
-Shadows of the Universe-
What this needs, in my opinion, is compression. My favourite way to do this is by using compound sentences, so that a bunch of stuff happens within the same 'idea', and it doesn't feel like a list. The other option, of course, is not to use an adjective unless it's in order to make a point, and to make sure that each sentence is for a particular purpose in the act of storytelling.

On the other hand, the overload of short, sharp sentences works really well when you are illustrating his intense absorption of detail, just before being stomped on.

Something else that jarred for me was this:

... and ran at it. It was tough on the outside ...
I find the double 'it' weird, and I personally always try to replace one or both with some other word.

[sup]I've realised why no one does reviews: I feel super-pretentious in handing out my opinion. Hope it helps...[/sup]
Compound sentences, drop unneeded adjectives and make sure each sentence has a solid purpose. thanks, I'll try to work on those. And no, there's nothing pretentious about constructive criticism.
TheIronRuler said:
Hey, I have something that I wanted someone to go through.
.
Black.

I feel wind blowing on my face. I am breathing heavily. I can hear an undistinguishable screech behind me. I notice my feet are moving. I want to stop but my body just pushes forward. I ready myself to turn around. I can hear someone breathing behind me. His voice is familiar.

"RUN" he screams. Another undistinguishable screech makes me move my feet faster. I notice where I'm running to now. I'm in a metal hallway, with tubes on the sides and a wall in front of me.

A wall is in my way. I don't know what I should do. I keep running, my feet emit a sound of coins hitting one another. I wear something metallic on my legs.

Turn. I hold a horizontal pipe with on my right and turn the corner without losing much momentum. I can hear that voice again. It's crying out for help.

I keep running straight. Sweat is dripping on the floor, some splashing on a surface, other drops continue down. "Get ready" I can hear a voice of a woman. I can't see anything in front of me. I don't want to turn around and lose momentum.

I can hear that thing again. It's not a screech like earlier but more of a crunching sound. I worry for a moment, could that be the voice from earlier?

I can't hear him anymore.

Turn. I see a metal plate placed against the corner. I jump on it with my right foot and launch myself around the corner.

There's a wall in front of me. "Are you ready?" the female voice from earlier shouts at me. I can't see her. I can't keep on running; I'm running out of stamina.

What am I running from?

I am flying in the air. I can't feel the floor beneath my feet. I can't breathe. Am I going to hear the same sound from earlier, that crunching sound?

I hit the floor again, but I don't land on my feet. I have to get up. I have to run through the corridor. I have to escape this place. What is this place?

It's not a narrow corridor. A large room, made from the same metallic material I saw in the hallway. "I'm glad you're alive." I can hear that female voice from earlier. I turn around and face a woman, she's about my height.

She is very tall. I'm a tall man, so she must be abnormal. "What is your-" I stop. This isn't my voice. That voice isn't mine, it's feminine. What is going on?

"Are you fine, chief?" the woman addresses me. She looks fine. She has short blonde hair, almond colored eyes, and a very pretty face for a soldier. She is a soldier?

I don't know how I know that. But it feels right, it feels true. She holds something in her right hand. It looks like a pistol from a sci-fi flick.

I pause for a moment and look at my hands. I'm black.

Why am I black?

"I'm very sorry for your loss. Roy was a great man" the woman says softly. She comes closer to me, placing her hand over my right shoulder. "But we can't let him die in vain. We need to leave this wretched place and tell everyone what we saw here. We need to-" I interrupt her in the middle of her sentence, "Who is Roy?" I ask her.

Her face turns white. She takes a step back and adjusts her grip on the pistol looking thing in her right hand. "Are you O.K. , chief?" she says as she slowly raises her right hand.

This is a 'do or die' moment. I am a woman. I am black. This man Roy is important to me, this man? "I love my husband!" I blurt out. My Husband?

My heart beats faster. I sit on the cold metal floor with my hand over my chest. I have breasts. I did feel strange when I was running earlier. "Chief, get yourself together and lets go" the woman says.

I smile. This is a dream, but I can still enjoy it. "What do we have" I ask the woman. The woman shows me the pistol looking device, "I found this old thing lying around. There are two magazines for it and a bullet box. I can't believe they still use-" I interrupt her"-Old thing, huh? This is nice. We move out now" I grab the pistol looking device and aim it at the opposite wall.

"Where is the exit?" I ask the woman. I can hear the screech from earlier. The thing is getting closer. The woman looks nervous. "I found two exits. One leading to where you came from, only one level lower, I don't know where the other one goes to" she says.

The thing gets closer. I can somehow feel it. "Chief, do you have a plan?" the woman asks me.
Another screech. I can hear it racing through the lower floor, were I came from. The woman looks at that direction, "We're about to find out where the other exit is heading" I say as I start running towards the other exit.

Did that thing eat My Husband-no, did he eat that man Roy?

What is that thing?
.
White.

A blinding light forces me to close my eyes. I can't move. Something is holding me in place; something is making me stay here.

Where is here?

"I'm so sorry" I can hear a feminine voice apologize to me, immediately afterwards the light becomes dimmer. "Don't apologize to the test subject!" I can hear a male voice yell at the female, and then I hear a thud.

Test Subject?

I need to leave this place. I begin wrestling through these cuffs on my hands and ankles. "Start the machine" I can hear the male voice command someone.

What is that machine?

There is no time to waste. I need to escape; I need to free myself of this? this unknown thing; for this? unknown reason. I feel I am in danger, somehow I know.

I can hear a sound; A distinct mechanic sound? of a drill. I am a test subject, tied to this thing, and there is a drill nearby.

I need to escape.

I cry. I use all of my strength to escape this place. I pray to all of the deities I know of, I beg of them to help me.

White Again.

I break free of the chains. My head starts spinning ? I think I'm in a room. The color of the wall changes from metallic white to red and then back to metallic white. An alarm sounds off.

The test subject escaped.

My hands still have the cuffs on them. I look around me and see a platform with three men on it. I walk towards then, and they run the other way towards the sealed off door.

My legs feel different, they feel much heavier. My whole body feels heavier, yet I move with ease. Without noticing I already reached the three men. "Please don't hurt us" one of them says. It was the voice from earlier. The voice that tried to spare me.

I feel pain. Something hurts in my right shoulder. I see one of the other men aim something at me.

I close my eyes and pound my fists into them.

I open them.

In a sea of blood, organs and bones, the remains of two individuals flow while one very terrified woman stands still, shaking.

"I will protect-" I stop.

This voice isn't human.

I turn around and face a group of armed men. "Open fire" one of them cries out. I turn my back on them and protect her, my last attempt to grip sanity.

It hurts.

The metal bullets hurt.

White again.

I open my eyes and see the group of men turned into mush. These trained soldiers, sent here to protect these dedicated scientists, died in - why do I know all of this?

I can't remember a thing.

I return to the woman and put her on my back. "I will help you" I say in my inhuman voice. She stays silent. I break the metal door down and enter a corridor.

I follow it till I reach a large room filled with people. I can see them eating. Some have metal items, others wear white clothes.

The woman screams for help. I've been betrayed. My link to sanity severed.

White again.

I blink, and I see myself holding a man in my hand, like I used to hold toys. Why can I remember that, but I can't remember my name?

The man breaks free from my grip.

"Roy, let's go" I hear a woman cry out. She runs to the exit, the man following her.

Blood is everywhere. What have I done?

I turn around and look at the red liquid that covers the floor. I touch my chest with my hand. It is filled with holes. It's huge, and so is my hand.

Why did I kill them all?

What am I?

ThreeWords said:
I would say it needs a little more context provided within the actual text, like giving character's motivations or the actual setting but then A. That's just me and I've never really been one for stream of conciousness writing and B. That was just a snippet and you probably provided those later on. I also imagine that would be difficult to do for an entire RP but that might not have been your intention anyway.
 

TheIronRuler

New member
Mar 18, 2011
4,283
0
0
ThreeWords said:
TheIronRuler said:
The story ends with this passage:

We greet each other goodbye, and he tells me I should inform my mother of his arrival. I take a few steps away from Bartholomew and I look up at the sky. I am surprised to see the daylight fading away, and as I look at the square I can see people lighting candles for the event.
.
To me, it seems incomplete. Is there some missing, or are you going for a relatively subtle message?

As for style, there's nothing immediately wrong with the delivery. Occasionally, you repeat a phrase in such a way that it feels odd, and there is the odd grating phrase; "bad for you abdomen" makes for an awkward threat, for example.

The other thing is that you use a limited narrator, but occasionally your descriptions seems to be omniscient, and don't fit the youthful aspect of the past-version narrator.

Finally, you put wrote "fourteen year old nice", which won't come up on you spell check.
.
I should go over the spelling and composition another time, but it's a hassle.
Yes, it's only a portion of the story.
.
Suspicion arises

I have had enough of this distraction. I look at the plaque for one last time, and then I sit down on the mattress. There really isn't anything interesting to do in this tight box besides sleeping. I close my eyes and try to think of pleasant things, it might help me relax, like it used to.

But it can't be helped. I can't see any pleasant things in my mind anymore. It all resorts to one image, stuck in my head, can't leave my mind no matter how hard I try.

A cold person, calling out to me, but he can't speak. "She's a crow" I can hear a female voice coming from a nearby room. This might become troublesome. "I'm certain of it" the voice continues. "How are you so sure?" a male voice replies with anxiety, he probably thinks I am eavesdropping their conversation.

"Her left sleeve is longer than her right. She must be left handed." The male voice proclaims loudly. I can hear a muffled thud coming from that direction "Don't shout. She might hear us" the female voice now begins to whisper. "I have had enough of this foolishness. She won't hurt us, and we can profit from this situation." The male voice says, now a much calmer, quiet voice.

"These men have nothing to do here and they pay by credit. We won't collect their debts, because we won't find a person with enough guts to deal with them." The male voice exclaims. "I know Dan very well, I know he won't ignore a debt and run" the female voice whispers. "They can deal with the girl and take her luggage. You saw she isn't from Falcon. She paid with a half silver guild coin." The male voice says. "That's like ten Falcon, right?" the female voice replies. "That coin is worth nineteen and two thirds of a Falcon, I checked at Charles' exchange after Dan left. We can split the profit and he can use the money to pay his debt and stay here for another two weeks" the male voice says.

That is bad news for me. They think I can be robbed and killed. "But what if she's an actual crow?" I can now hear that the females' tone changes. She is now frightened. "I heard they eat people?" she says with disgust. "Dan will take care of her. Just hurry and call for him." The male voice says.

There aren't any others in besides these two. He must be the proprietor I met earlier.

She fears the crows. I know why all must fear the crows.
.
.

First reveal of the Crows

I quickly walk towards the square but in my way I stumble on something and fall on the ground. I quickly survey my body and I can see that there aren't any bruises. I stand up and scream at the boy on the ground "Get up! Look at what you did to me!"

I hear voices from all directions "A new corpse? A new corpse has arrived". I cringe, I look around me but I can't find any sign of life. I can't see any lights, and I now realize that I've walked into a dead end surrounded by houses. "Take the new corpse? shiny?. lets eat ? eat her" I can hear the voices in the background and I scream, but nothing comes out of my mouth. I can't move, I just scream for help, but again nothing is coming out of my mouth. "The crows feast on corpses? But this one is already rotten" I can hear two other voices. My heart starts pumping twice as fast and I begin to sweat as I barely manage to say "help". Suddenly the boy on the ground stands up and his hand reaches for me "He is not dead! It's a monster!" I scream. The boy smiles at me and then slaps me.

"Calm down, are you insane?" he grabs my hands. "Are you bloody mentally handicapped?" he says, I can hear giggles in the background. "Turn on the lights, it's not funny anymore" he says. "I just need to find a match." I can hear in the background an older male voice.
"Pussy." I can hear in the background, coming from a different boy.

"I recognize you" the boy tells me. "You're Jane, right?" he asks me. I scream and jump in my place as I feel two large hands on my shoulders. "You get scared easily" I can hear a boys' voice from behind me. "My name is Adam" he says.

A candle light is present, and it reveals five young boys standing around me, snickering. "What are you doing here?" I ask angrily. "Scaring people like you till the festival starts" the boy who was on the ground a few moments earlier says, "I'm Blake" he adds.

I begin shaking, "Can you get me a chair?" I ask Blake. He nods and then he turns around to fetch one. "Did she pee her dress? Did she?" I can hear a high pitched voice of a young boy, "No, I haven't." I shout at the young boy.

I sit down on a stool and try to restore the pace of my heart to its normal state. "While I recover" I am interrupted by the young boys' laughter. I stare at the laughing boy, "I want to tell you two things. Firstly, the festival is starting in a few minutes, secondly I want to know what you were doing" I tell the boys.

"Do you know of the crows?" Blake asks me, I can hear in the background Adam doing his best to imitate scary sounds, "They roam the countryside in search of corpses. They find them and they take everything ?" he pauses, and the entire group starts making a rather bad imitation of scary sounds, "And then they eat them!" he shouts along with his friends and I jump in my chair.

"That's stupid, there's no such thing as these crows!" I yell at them. I stand up, "Go out and do something useful for a change!" I yell at the group of boys. I leave the alley surrounded by houses with shaking knees towards the main event of the celebrations.
.
.

A narrow escape

I open the narrow window and shiver for a moment; I can feel the cold night breeze slapping my face. I reach for my tool belt and strap them into my belt. I will need them if things won't go peacefully. The whispering suddenly stops. I put on my hood and brace myself for a tough landing from approximately three times my height.

As I squeeze myself through the window and crouch on the ledge, I pray that a crow may not feast upon my flesh. The moment I hear the door being forced open, I jump and manage to land safely. I look around the surroundings for an exit, but it appears I have entered an inner courtyard, surrounded by the Tavern and other houses.

One of the assailants, a heavy, bald, old man walks towards the window and spots me "Young girls shouldn't travel alone. They might get hurt, or robbed, or perhaps even kidnapped" the man says with a smile. I point at a gold molar wedged inside his mouth, visible as he laughs, "I will take that gold in your mouth for compensation" I shout at the man.

I need to make a reputation for myself in this land. I don't want to handle all sorts of scum on my way. I reach for my tools and lay them on the ground. I move my hand over the handle of my serrated knife. As I wait for the man to chase after me and then try to subdue me, I return the tools to my belt and pull the dagger from its leather scabbard.

"I should have sharpened it the last time I went to a blacksmith." I say as I prepare myself for the upcoming engagement.

Engagement is a funny word. It is used to describe many things. An agreement between two men or even two nations, talks of peace ? and also a fight between two men. It is also used to describe a pre-marriage agreement between two lovers, or sometimes two strangers.

Among those things, the word 'untrustworthy' come to mind. I wonder why.
.
.

Engagement broken

I approach the square and from there I can see all of the lit candles scattered around town, all of the stalls at the square vanished but "Wonders of the Goddess" still remains firmly in its place, and so do its patrons. A small stage is set in the middle of the square, in which a few musical instruments and stools lie. I manage to find Darla by searching for her dress, and as I approach her she waves me.

"Where are the musicians?" I ask Darla. "Apparently they are drunk in some roadside pub" she snickers, but I can see through her charade "They'll enter the stage in a few minutes, won't they?" I ask Darla with a tired tone.

"Yes. You caught me!" she raises her hands and smiles. "That's not very funny" I tell her "You don't have to be mean-" Darla says but I interrupt her "But I want to be mean. There's a difference" I say and I giggle shortly afterwards.

She places her hand over my shoulder "Sister, could we stop doing this for one night? I am too anxious." Darla says. "Are you waiting for your suitor?" I ask Darla with a condescending tone. She pushes me away, and then she eagerly stares at the crowd on the other side, composed entirely out of men. I suddenly realize that the entire village is split between the two sides of the square, one for the women and the other for the men.

"I hope the music will be here soon?. I can't wait for him to ask me?. I am so exited" these are the things I hear while I try to find my grandmother and mother in the crowd.

I see a strong bright light above me. It is coming from the castle, they've lit all of their candles indoors, and I can see people walking past the windows quite clearly.

I can hear shouts, and moans of horses "Make way for the Son of the Earl of Trenium, master of 'her lady' knights and land lord of Trenium" I can hear a voice of a man declare these words, but they mean less than nothing to me. I can see on the other side of the village, near the trunk me and Bartholomew sat on, a light in the darkness, coming from the forest. I can hear the moans of the horses even more loudly, and now I can also hear the screeching of the wagon wheels. "They must've been driving constantly if it sounds like the horses are about to pass out." Someone from the crowd says.

The wagon begins its travel through the village and to the castle. A few servants run ahead of it and warn us to make way for the wagon. I feel a hand pulling me from behind and a breath on my neck "Hello darling." My mother whispers in my ear. "Stay close to me" she says. "Where is grandma?" I ask mother. She signals me to be quiet. The two group split in half and make way for the wagon, as the patrons of "Wonders of the Goddess" scramble to move the stand. I point at Bartholomew as he is helping the men, "Mother, it's your Uncle. Bartholomew is here" I tell my mother. She nods and signals me again to be quiet.

The wagon enters the village, you can see the envoys riding ahead to spread the news to the castle. The wagon slowly comes to a halt and stops at the village square, waiting to meet the lord of the castle outside. "Mother, why aren't they entering the castle?" I asked my mother, "Don't talk" she says as she stares at the wagon.

The lord of the castle exits the gate with a posy of three men all on horseback, all three wearing full plate armor with their weapons but our lord rides with no armor. "Good evening to you son of the Earl of Trenium, master of 'her lady' knights and land ?" our lord says but is abruptly interrupted "May we skip the pleasantries?" can be heard from the wagon. The visitor exits the wagon and walks towards our Lord "I am here to discuss the future of our two families." The visitor smiles and looks around the village.

"It seems you have a lively village with many peasants" he begins to search the side of the women for something, where I am standing with my mother. "Then we should carry forth the negotiations swiftly before any more blood is shed" our lord says. "Relax Edward. I know you, we used to have fun when we ?" the other man says, but our lord interrupts him "I suggest you come into my house and we continue to dwell on the matter without any peasants listening" our Lord tells the other man.

"You are right. But before we continue I would like to ask for a gift" the other man says with a smile. "I assure you that all you desire can be found in my ?" our Lord says but is interrupted by the man, pointing at me "There; that one. Give me that one for the night; the one with the red hair and the green eyes. She is young, but not too young. Perfect for ?" the visitor says. My mother strengthens her grip over me and moves a few paces back, trying to disappear in the crowd. Our lord interrupts the visitor "Today is a celebration; we should not disturb my village. Furthermore, don't you think she is a tad too young for your intentions?" our lord suggests the visitor. My mother sighs and whispers in my ear "You see our lord? He will protect us, no matter-" mother says, but she is suddenly interrupted as a man pulls her away from me, and another grabs me by the hip, "Edward, if you will allow me this I will relinquish our demands for the clearing. Father allowed me some freedom in the negotiations" the visitor says. The man that came with the visitor drags me from the crowd and places me in front of the visitor "Tell me, girl, what is your name?" the visitor asks me. I dare not answer, I dare not look up, I only pray that he would grow tired and forget about me. "Girl, answer me!" the visitor yells at me, I feel a hand on my head; it grabs me and makes me look at the visitor.

"Listen to me my Goddess, mother of all, and creator of all men. Guide me in your path and protect you faithful servant through the night to come, May you protect ?" I say to myself, waiting for a miracle to occur but a miracle does not show itself. The visitor interrupts me "That is swell. We can hear you pray in my quarters, and then in my servants' quarters. Pray as you wish, she will not listen. But I will listen to you, I will listen to you all night-" he begins to laugh, looking at his men with their hands on their hilts. As he tries to continue he is interrupted; "Enough!" I can hear a shout from the crowd. "This is disgraceful? this is immoral? this is evil!" other shouts are heard in the crowd, as the men slowly walk towards the wagon. The men that came with the visitor draw their swords, "Restrain your peasants" the visitor tells our lord. Our Lord orders his men to draw their swords.

"No need to take my sister. She is too frail, and I am pure" I can hear from the crowd. The visitor looks at me "Who is this sister? Show yourself" he raises his voice so that the men can hear him too. From the crowd exits Darla, "I am her sister. No need to harm her" Darla says. "Darla, No!" I can hear my mother shout in the background. "Darla? Not a fine physique, but it'll do. Edward, I will be having a guest." The visitor tells our lord. As Darla walks by I manage to glimpse at her face ? she smiles at me. "Everything is going to be alright" I can hear my mother walking closer to me; she is now moving her hand through my hair "Everything will be-" she can't finish her sentence, she begins to sob and then she holds me tighter.

A few minutes pass. The musicians are now arriving and everyone is ready for the festival. "What about Darla?" I ask mother, "She made her choice. There's nothing we can do now" mother says with a tired tone.

They dare not oppose the lords, the cowards.

They dare not look up, the cowards.

They dare not speak up, the cowards.

They dare not raise their arms, the cowards.

They stay in their place, the peasants.

I understand what must be done. But I do not understand what is needed for the feat to be accomplished. I need to go after my sister and save her. She smiled at me, she wants me to go and save her, she helped me as my sister and now I must help her as her sister. I must find a way into the castle and save her. Perhaps her suitor could be of assistance.

"Mother, which one of the men was intended for Darla?" I ask mother while she is selling bouquets to young suitors for a ball a piece. She doesn?t answer till I grab her waist, "Which one?" I ask her again. She reaches for a bucket with the bouquets in it, a young man approaches her. "Hello Charles. Will you see Darla tomorrow as planned?" Charles seems to be nervous, he reaches for his pocket and hands my mother a flax bag, "The dowry, with some silver in it." He barely manages to say these words. "Father told me-" he says, but is interrupted by mother "Goodbye." She says as she grabs the flax sack, sits down on a stool behind her and begins to count the coins.

I walk up to Charles. "Can you help Darla?" I ask him. He ignores me and continues to walk away, "She loves you, how can you do that to her?" I scream at him. He walks towards me and gets down on his knees to look me in my eyes; he moves his hands over my shoulders and says "There is no saving for her. Trying to do that is suicidal".

I slap him. I've never used violence before. "Consider me dead." I shout at him. I run out of the square. I need to find a place to cry and pray. No, not pray ? she wouldn't save me then ? why would she save me now? She isn't here; if she was here she wouldn't have let the visitor take my sister. If she can't help me, then I can't help my sister, I can't rescue her from him.
.
.

An offensive stance

The cold wind sends a chill down my spine. It's a cold damn night in a backwater village on my way to Danius. I should never have stopped here, I paid for five nights and got three, but in the end I never got to rest and now I'm getting robbed for coin. In a moment I will turn it all around. I love gossip; it usually keeps the scum away. Like the bunch I'm about to face.

I kneel on the snow and lay my tool belt on the ground. I proceed to open it and look at the various tools of the trade I had gathered throughout my work. I reach for a long, narrow knife placed inside a thick piece of leather. I move my hands over the rest of the tools, I can see the stains of dry blood some of them have since all of them participated in scavenging the dead. Even though they are dead, there is still some blood left.

I get myself ready. I see in my mind the way my feet should move, how I should stand and where my hands should be. This is an offensive stance. There is no need to defend myself; there is no place for me to run to. I grip my dagger and mimic a few stabs I will perform when the men pursuing me arrive.

The groin, the Liver, the kidney, the armpit, the neck, these are all valid targets.

One should always end the fight with as few stabs as possible; to limit the amount of time you are in combat.

One should always confirm the kill; slice the main artery stretching through the neck.

One should always protect himself, even if it requires actions with no honor.

That is what the guide says. But I have no desire for honor. The damn guide proved to be worthless while my excursions into the world of cold corpses proved to be very informative. I have never heard a man call a murder art, but it seems to be the only thing I can admire and learn from while I examine the cold corpses the abandoned battlefields have to offer.

I can hear footsteps coming from the courtyard entrance. Now it's time to get his golden tooth.
.
.

An independent mind

Bartholomew said that each makes his own fate. Maybe I don't need a goddess. Maybe I don't need any help. I'm a little girl, why would anyone suspect me ? I won't be able to hurt anyone, I'm so small and insignificant.

I stop in my tracks "That's it" I say out loud. "I'll get into the castle and find her". "They won't let you in" I can hear a voice from the shadows. "If you try to enter, they will take you and ?", I suddenly hear a bad imitation of scary sounds. I recognize that voice. "Blake, can you help me?" I ask the voice. "Shit. I can't scare people. I'm only good as bait, a corpse to see" he mumbles as he leaves the dark alleyway on my right, "Adam, get out". I can also see Adam walk behind him.

"Are we alone?" I ask the two boys. "Yes." Adam says. I've never had the chance to see them clearly in the light. Blake is roughly my age, a bit shorter with brown hair. Adam looks much older than him, and he is also much taller. "How old are you?" I ask Adam.

Adam moves his right hand behind his head and brushes his hair, "I'm thirteen" he says. "The lucky boy here is a head taller and two years younger than me" Blake tells me. I giggle, "You're fifteen and you look like a child, you're so ?", Blake stops me "We don't have to help you." He tells me with a distant and cold tone.

I walk towards Blake and grab his right hand as he begins to walk away, "Please." I tell him. He turns around, "Can you help me get into the castle?" I ask him. "I can ask my sister" I hear a voice behind me, then suddenly a hand grabs me from behind and I quickly turn around to find Adam standing there. "You scared me, Adam." I tell Adam. "Shit? How can he? He didn't even try?" I can hear Blake mumble under his breath.

"She is a servant girl there. They don't touch her because she spread a rumor about her being cursed, so nobody dares approach her." Blake tells me. "That part was my idea" Adam says proudly. "When can we see her?" I ask Adam eagerly. "I can take you there if you'd like." Adam tells me.

"She had to work there?" Adam struggles to continue, "?after our parents-" Blake interrupts Adam "-Don't remember. You have your sister and your friend now". Adam smiles and punches Blake in the shoulder. Blake loses his balance for a moment, though it didn't stop him from returning Adam the favor.

"Won't it be dangerous if you help me?" I ask both of the boys. "That's right Adam, it's too dangerous. Let's go home" Blake tells Adam, "Wait, I need your help!" I cry out. "Then don't think about us, think about your sister." Blake replies.

I follow the two boys and I keep quiet. There is no need for words. They know that the villagers won't look up, won't raise their arms against the lord. My sister is a casualty they can sustain; even her mother didn't flinch when they took her. She said it was her choice.
We walk towards the eastern gate of the castle. Adam suddenly stops us, "The entrance is here." He points at a small hut near the gate. "That hut is for the servant girls. We can find here there" Blake adds. We walk into the front of the hut and meet Adam's sister, a beautiful, blonde haired young maiden.

"Adam, who is your new friend?" the maiden asks Adam. "Sister, this is an emergency." Adam whispers. The maiden nods and enters the hut with her brother, Blake and myself following behind. "The visitor took her sister" Blake tells the maiden. "Miss, I beg of you, Adam told me you could help me find my sister." I try and stay as calm as possible.

"Call me Ruth." the maiden smiles at me, "I won't be able to take my brother and his friend with us". Ruth leads us to a small room filled with pieces of cloth and buckets. "Will you be safe?" Blake turns to Ruth, "we can come with you and ?" Blake is interrupted by Adam, "-we can't take more risks". Adam moves his hand over Blake's shoulder "They can remain untouched".
"Then we should hurry" Ruth tells us. She turns around and reaches for something inside a large wicker basket. "Wear this. You need to look like a servant" Ruth hands me a dress about my size, "You two should leave. You can't be seen here," Ruth orders the two boys to exit the room. "Keep safe" Blake mumbles under his breath as they leave the hut.

"Where is she?" I ask Ruth as we move through the hallway from the servants' quarters to the castle. "She should be with the visitor. I know where she might be." Ruth says. Ruth turns around and grabs my left arm "You should look at the ground and stay silent". I nod and we continue walking.

We continue moving through the castle, until Ruth suddenly stops and turns to me, "This should be the visitor's room" she says. Suddenly I hear a shout from across the hallway "My Beauty, you were hiding from me?". Ruth pushes me aside, "Hide, quickly". I run behind a few tall pots situated at the end of the hallway, near the entrance to the quarters, so that I will remain unseen.

I can hear footsteps, the sound of them is intensifying, and I think he is getting closer. "Are you ready for me?" the voice asks Ruth. She doesn't reply, "You don't need to make a sound" the man says. I can hear her struggle; I crawl to the edge of the pots and watch the scene unfold. The man pins Ruth to the wall, he moves his hands over her body. I'm not sure what I can do to help her.

The man stops, "Something's different. You never struggled before". He whispers something into Ruth's ear, something that took her breath away. I slowly crawl towards the edge of the pot, as far as possible without being seen. Ruth stopped struggling; the man continues to move his hands on her body. He's kissing her now. I can't watch this any longer. Adam said she is safe, that nobody touches her. I lean on one of the pots, but I manage to catch it before it falls on the floor. The man turns to me and smiles. I think I know why Ruth stopped struggling.
He slowly pushes her to the corner. She can't help me find my sister. Nobody can.

I hear even more footsteps from the other side of the hallway coming our way. "Jan, calm you prick. We need to patrol now, we need to look respectable" I can hear a man's voice coming from the direction of the footsteps. "Lemme finish this beauty, I'll be as respectable as the Lord." Jan says. "Its war negotiations and we need to look prepared. The Hawk's son is here and we shouldn't have any incidents. They need to fear us; do you want to die because you can't keep your prick in place?" I can hear the voice of another man. "Fine" Jan says, I try to peek through the pots and I see Jan walking away from Ruth. "We'll be back, my beauty. Remember to bring your little friend along" Jan says while he walks towards the group of men.
As they leave, Ruth falls to the ground, her back against the wall. When the men leave the hallway I run towards Ruth, "Are you well?" I ask her. She doesn't respond. "We need to find my sister" I tell her. Ruth doesn't flinch. "You said you'll help me!" I yell at Ruth. "You promised me, you said we will-" as I yell at her, Ruth interrupt me, "-I promised you nothing. But now we make a deal. I help you, and you don't tell Adam what happened here.".

Adam thinks Ruth is safe. He thinks that nobody touches her, that his idea of pretending to be cursed saves her from what I saw. "Fine" I tell Ruth. Ruth looks at me, "We need to hurry" she says as she stands up.

We slowly enter the room. The bed stands directly in front of us on the other side of the room. My sister tries to struggle. I can't watch. It takes a few seconds for the visitor to notice us standing there, but by that time Ruth held a dagger in its scabbard. I never saw her take something like that, all the way to the room she didn't take anything to defend herself.
He looks at us, bewildered. It takes him a few more moments to recognize me. Ruth draws the blade. She holds it in the direction of the bed and screams "Move away or you lose your little prick". Her knees shake under her dress, but her hand stands firm, pointing the knife at the visitor. "Little sister, won't you come and sit with us?" the visitor moves his hand over the bed and smiles at me. "Run" my sister whimpers.

The visitor moves away from the bed and turns to Ruth, "Shall we begin, peasant *****?" he provokes Ruth. "Forgive me Adam" Ruth mumbles under her breath. Ruth rushes towards the visitor, both her hands holding the knife in front of her stomach. As she rushes through, the visitor moves aside, grabs her head and smashes it on the wall. Ruth falls on the floor, her knife slips from her hands, blood gushing from her head. The man turns her on her back and sits on top of her chest, "You missed, *****!" he shouts at Ruth as he pounds his fists into her body and face.

I can hear Darla pray. She prays even now for guidance, for help, for a miracle from the goddess. No miracle will come. She didn't help me before, why would she help me now? What if she's nothing but old songs and traditions?

I can't answer these questions. But I know one thing for certain. I bend over and reach for the knife Ruth dropped. I can hear Ruth crying in pain as the visitor pounds his fist ever more vigorously. Bartholomew said you make your own fate. I walk towards the visitor with my knife in both of my hands, like Ruth held them before. I close my eyes and scream, as I run towards the visitor.

I hear nothing but a whimper, and then silence. My hands start feeling warmer. I open my eyes and I see myself standing behind the visitor who sitting on Ruth, that is now slowly bleeding to death.

Darla stopped completely. Ruth regained consciousness after a few minutes, long enough to see the bleeding motionless body of the Visitor next to her. "Run away" Ruth screams at me. And I comply. I run outside, I run away from the village. I run to the only kin I have left, in a village a couple of days on foot away. I can?t see anything, my vision is blurred, locked into one place to ensure that I won't fall or stop.

I don?t stop when I hear the guards call for me.

I don?t stop when I heard the alarm sounds off.

I don?t stop when the villagers try to stop me.

I don?t stop when the wildlife follow me to my demise.

I just run. I run and leave everything behind. I don't know what will happen to my mother and grandmother. I don't know what will happen to the village. I don't know what will happen to the two warring noble households.

I run.
.
.

A Golden Tooth

The first man enters the courtyard. As I stand firmly in place, a dagger in my left hand, he stares at me. A few seconds pass, his friend enters the courtyard, the first man begins to laugh at the sight of a fifteen year old girl holding a knife. Surprise is a noteworthy advantage.

"Little girl, give us your stuff" the first man says out loud. I don't reply. "Girl, give us the money you have and let us kill you" the man repeats himself, his right hand moves towards a handle sticking out from behind his back. "Kurt, we don't need to hurt her." The other man says, "Little girl, just give us thirty Falcon and be off. We don't want to hurt you".

"She's our victim, Neil, no need to ask for her money" Kurt says while he moves towards me, his right hand hovers over the handle. "Little girl, I don't want to see you die, do what we tell you to do" Neil shouts at me. He feels uncomfortable with what Kurt is about to do. I can tell which one fought in a war and which one trained at home.

"I will have the golden tooth for compensation." I say as I point at Neil. "You *****, don't get so cocky" Kurt screams at me, charging at me as he draws a long claymore from the scabbard on his back.

When his two hands grip the handle, I'm already underneath him. Clean cut into the crotch, another one into the right Kidney. He is still swinging the claymore forward through the air. I grab his shirt and launch myself in between his two arms, placing my dagger vertically on the right side of his throat. He loses the grip on his claymore. It falls down on the snow. I remove my dagger and watch the seasoned veteran fall to the ground, as I land near his bleeding body.

"Give me your golden tooth or die." I yell at Neil, standing terrified on the other side of the courtyard. "I don't want to hurt you girl" Neil says as his right hand reaches for a short sword hanging on his waist. "Who will pay for your burial, Neil?" I ask the shaking man. He draws his short sword and stares at me. "You're a traveller, Neil. Do you prefer to be eaten by the birds, the wolves or the crows?" I ask him again.

I can hear grumbling underneath me. Kurt isn't dead yet. I kneel down and hold his head so that I could look him in his eyes, "Any last words?" I ask the bleeding man. "Fuck you" he manages to muster a reply. I slice the right side of his neck carefully and watch the blood spatter color the distant snow red.

"This is a kill. This is the work of a veteran" I wipe the blood on the back of Kurt's shirt. Neil looks at me, terrified; he takes a step towards me. This boy is insane.
.
.
 

Tortilla the Hun

Decidedly on the Fence
May 7, 2011
2,244
0
0
Well, I think this is a great idea for a thread and hopefully will stick around for a while

At any rate, I'm gonna post a couple of what may potentially be my best pieces and I'd really like to know what people think.

Before delving into these pieces, take note that they are fairly dark in tone and fairly graphic in content. So, you have been warned. Fairly, might I add.

After that last lynching, it became difficult to be near the others. I was at home, thinking about the events of the past couple days over a hot cup of tea. Had I known it would've been like this earlier, I might've packed my things and got the hell outta Dodge. Maybe I still can, perhaps there was still time.

BANG, BANG, BANG

Suddenly there were loud knocks at my door. I jolted and knocked my mug over, scalding hot tea splashed on my left hand and arm.

"************!" I sharply hissed through my teeth from the sudden pain. I looked sternly at the door, asking myself who it could be. "Just a moment," I called out as I went to grab a dry rag from my kitchen drawer. Very briefly, I saw movement from the corner of my eye and turned to catch what it was. What I saw made me freeze like a deer in headlights, partly from shock, but mostly fear at the revelation that had unfolded in my mind.

There were people outside my front window, all looking in at me, all with the same, emotionless stare that one could justfiably attribute to madness. Slowly, and with great effort, I stepped back. Stricken with fear and uncertainty, my feet felt like they had been strapped to cinder blocks.

BANG, BANG, BANG

Another set of loud knocks, each more forceful than the last, each shaking me to my very core. I knew what I needed to do, I needed to get out of there. I bolted for the back of my house, opened the nearest window and clumsily clambered outside. My shoelace snagged a loose nail in the sill and I hung there, half slumped on the grass as I kicked and yanked my leg, trying to loosen the lace. I heard a loud crash as they burst through the door.

"Oh, fuck me!" I cursed as I loosened the lace and slipped my foot from the shoe. Hurriedly, I picked myself off the ground and made a break for the backyard gate. No sooner than I reached it, someone kicked it in from the other side and I was knocked back to the ground. Quickly, people were going through the gate, trying to corral me like a damned animal. I made a break for the side fence, but it proved futile as someone decided to take a Louisville Slugger to my knee. The sickening crunch of solid wood on bone wasn't nearly as bad as the excruciating pain that shot through my leg. I cried out in pain and clutched my knee as I dropped to the ground once more. The man who had hit me took the liberty of busting my other knee, and again I had cried out.

I was dragged by my arms into the middle of the yard, my thrashing and shouting doing nothing to deter these madmen from what they had planned. The ringleader, or the woman who had taken on that very role from the previous lynching, stepped forth and spoke.

"We know it was you," she said, "there's no denying that now. Tell us why you did it and we may make your death quick and considerably less painful."

I stared through the tears that had welled up in my eyes, "I didn't do it, I swear. Please, I swear, I didn't kill anybody."

"Lies!" She looked around at the mob, recieving nods of agreement and approval. Letting her gaze rest upon me, she spoke up again. "Even now, when we offer mercy, you only spit in our faces with your deceit."

"No! No, I'm lying to you, I didn't kill anybody!" Looking around at all the faces, only looks of disapproval and anger; some only indifference. "I'm innocent, please, you gotta believe me!"

"You're trying my patience." She gestured to someone in the crowd and a man stepped forward, carrying what was unmistakably a can of lighter fluid.

My eyes widened in horror and my heart stopped, my gaze fixed on the can. I shook my head frantically, "No, no, God, no..."

The man looked at the ringleader, who had only nodded as if granting permission. He stepped forward and I crawled back before two more men took hold of my arms and held me in place. The first man raised the can above me, pouring the contents until it was emptied.

All the while I thrashed about, to no avail, and I was thoroughly soaked. My clothes were saturated with lighter fluid and much of it pooled in the grass around me. The strong smell filled my nostrils, but that was the very least of my concerns. The two men restraining me were signalled to let me go and they had stepped back amongst the mob. I could only look, pleadingly, at the woman that stood before me.

Removing a book of matches, she lit one and held it for me to see clearly. Once again, she spoke up, her tone and gaze both unforgiving. "This is your last chance to save yourself from a very painful death. Why did you do it?"

Mouth agape, head shaking, tears now streaming as I barely managed to speak. "I...I didn't do it. Please, you don't have to do this, I'm innocent I swear! Please...don't..."

She only scoffed at my pleas, with not a single trace of sympathy. "Not only a killer, but a coward who won't even come clean."

I was shaking, knowing that there would be no preventing what was coming, yet that didn't stop my pleading sobs. "No, no, no, no, no, no, God, please, no."

Without another word, she tossed the match into the pool of lighter fluid and I was soon surrounded by flames.

"Oh God, please help me! Somebody!" It didn't take long for my clothes to catch fire.
"Somebody!! Help me!!" Soon after, I felt my skin boiling from the heat as the fire engulfed my body.
"Help me!!!" No person would help me. No god would help me. I would not only die alone, but I would die as the center of everyone's hatred. However, these thoughts lied only in the deepest recesses of my mind as I writh on the ground in possibly the most excruciating pain in existence. I dug my nails into the blackening flesh of my arms out of some instinctual hope that I may be able to extinguish the flames. I ripped and tore at my burning skin and clothes, crying and howling in an animalistic mixture of torment, anger, and hopelessness. I clawed at my burning hair and the flesh that was swiftly searing underneath. My face was next to fall victim to my incessant scratching. I could feel strips and sheets of both skin and flesh being torn away, exposing more nerves to the heat of the fire. The last bit of air was expelled from my lungs in that howl and I gasped for more, though I recieved nothing but dry, scorching heat. All moisture with my mouth and windpipe almost instantaneously evaporated as the heat and smoke rushed to my lungs. I began choking and clawed at my throat, peeling and tearing yet even more flesh, and it left me enveloped in pain with no way of calling out. I writhed and thrashed in silent agony as the mob only stood and watched, a few with amusement.

I know the end is soon coming. Only death can save me from the hell I am in, and when it does I will be smiling. I will be glad when I enter the black abyss, the eternal nothingness, the empty void that is surely at the end of all our roads.

Hello darkness, my old friend...

I woke up in a terrible fright, drenched in sweat and gasping for air. The second my eyes open I shot upright and cradled my head in my hands as I recalled what I could of my nightmare. Fire. There was lots of fire, that much I did remember. I could almost feel the heat; it was strangely warm and muggy in the pitch black that was my bedroom. Not sure what had put me on edge, perhaps it was the recent murder in the neighborhood, whatever it may be I was still uneasy and likely wouldn't be able to go back to sleep.

Suddenly the light above me flickered on and I discovered my bed was surrounded by many of the townsfolk. They all looked at me with the same crazed, almost vacant stare. I failed to notice that they rigged some kind of a pulley system in the middle of my room, though that was understandable because no sooner than the lights turned on, two of the townsfolk had stabbed thick hooks through my heels. I cried out in pain as the iron pierced the tendons and tissue, I cried out even more when the ropes attached to the hooks were taut and I was dragged towards the end of my bed. As I was being hoisted to the center of my room, my head collided with the iron bar that ran across the foot of my bed and again with the hardwood floor. Badly cuncussed, I could barely feel the pain in my heels. Slipping in and out of consciousness, I had only glimpses of the people in the crowd. Someone had stepped forward with a knife in hand, and had I been more conscious it would have become all too clear as to what was about to happen. I barely felt the cold steel passing through and opening my throat. Deep crimson began pouring out, pooling beneath me. The room may have been humid and warm, though it seemed as if the world was growing colder and colder. My head was spinning, the room grew dark as the lights were fading. I was being bled, like an animal for slaughter, and there was nothing I could do. Unable to rage against the dying of the light; forced go gentle into that good night...

NOTE: The second piece was written in a shorter amount of time, so if you feel that it appears to have been rushed then you are probably correct.