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Dectomax

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Jun 17, 2010
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Will include my first few pages of work in progress soon. I'm currently playing with the idea of beginning a novel of atleast 70,000 words. I've got a big chunk done so far, but am currently toying with ideas and different plot points.

If anyone fancies reading Just over 6,000 words, then quote this and I'll put it up for reading - Would be good to get some constructive critique.
 

Tortilla the Hun

Decidedly on the Fence
May 7, 2011
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Dectomax said:
Will include my first few pages of work in progress soon. I'm currently playing with the idea of beginning a novel of atleast 70,000 words. I've got a big chunk done so far, but am currently toying with ideas and different plot points.

If anyone fancies reading Just over 6,000 words, then quote this and I'll put it up for reading - Would be good to get some constructive critique.
Well, I, for one, wouldn't mind a good, extended read. :p
 

Dectomax

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Mortis Nuncius said:
Dectomax said:
Will include my first few pages of work in progress soon. I'm currently playing with the idea of beginning a novel of atleast 70,000 words. I've got a big chunk done so far, but am currently toying with ideas and different plot points.

If anyone fancies reading Just over 6,000 words, then quote this and I'll put it up for reading - Would be good to get some constructive critique.
Well, I, for one, wouldn't mind a good, extended read. :p
After checking through all the formatting that would be required to get it readable and keep the punctuation ( The escapist has the strange habit of turning random punctuation into question marks ) I have decided I'd rather cut my own arm off.

Unless anyone here knows of a way to take text from a word document and stop the escapist from nomming my beautiful punctuation?
 

Tortilla the Hun

Decidedly on the Fence
May 7, 2011
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Dectomax said:
Mortis Nuncius said:
Dectomax said:
Will include my first few pages of work in progress soon. I'm currently playing with the idea of beginning a novel of atleast 70,000 words. I've got a big chunk done so far, but am currently toying with ideas and different plot points.

If anyone fancies reading Just over 6,000 words, then quote this and I'll put it up for reading - Would be good to get some constructive critique.
Well, I, for one, wouldn't mind a good, extended read. :p
After checking through all the formatting that would be required to get it readable and keep the punctuation ( The escapist has the strange habit of turning random punctuation into question marks ) I have decided I'd rather cut my own arm off.

Unless anyone here knows of a way to take text from a word document and stop the escapist from nomming my beautiful punctuation?
Depending on the kinds of punctuation you're using, you could just cpy/paste it into notepad and it should be properly formatted for use in The Escapist. Though if you're using some extreme form of punctuation, then it may just be more than a problem with the font. :p
 

ThreeWords

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Feb 27, 2009
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Dectomax said:
( The escapist has the strange habit of turning random punctuation into question marks ) I have decided I'd rather cut my own arm off.
Just post. It's all borked in the Preview, but it'll be fine in the post =)
 

Dectomax

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"Have you ever dealt with people who have lost everything in just an hour? In the morning you leave the house where your wife, your children, your parents live. You return and you find a smoking pit. Then something happens to you -- to a certain extent you stop being human. You do not need any glory, money anymore; revenge becomes your only joy. And because you no longer cling to life, death avoids you, the bullets fly past. You become a wolf."

A wicked wind blew through the tree tops, shaking branches and dislodging leaves. Vines rustled, lashing about like whips and in the far distant, under the tainted green sky, a large floating object moved. Beneath it, a green glow penetrating the buildings and earth. Scanning. A ?dink? came from the trunk of the tree and a hand fastend another clip into the side of the ancient Oak. Slowly, the man secured his belt and saftey system. As he did so a loud and ear splitting noise rang out and echoed over the city scape below him. One of the floating ships had found something. Another Human maybe? The man didn?t care, he was safe. For now.

The war, if it could even be called that, lasted all of seven hours. For one shining moment in Mankinds history, differences where put aside, speeches were made and men fought as brothers, side by side. The great nations of the planet coming together to fight off this extraterrestial threat. But that was not enough. Men where slaughtered, aircraft obliterated and in one fell swoop, the planet fell silent.

Chemicals where released into the atmosphere, travelling in the Gulf Stream, infecting the worlds air supply. The world?s great rainforests, the very lungs of the planet itself suffocated under the new toxic air and slowly withered. People became sick, then mad, and then went insane. Running, biting and mauling each other. They turned on one another, stealing supplies and trying to hide, to survive. The one shining moment in mankinds? history forgotten. Each man, each woman and child were now an enemy, threating your very existance.

For a moment the man took the time to look at the landscape underneath him. The war had changed the very Earth itself. Large cracks and deformed landscape now dotted the horizon, where even the rock had not withstood the barrage. The ground was scarred terribly. The tree, in which the man was now climbing, stood on a huge chunck of earth, that had been torn from the ground and watched over one of the large cities of America, or what remained of it, Los Angeles. He continued to climb, securing more saftey clips as he went. Watching as the alien craft scoured the land. At another time, in another place, it may have been a sight to behold, the glowing green beams, how they shone and cast a faint misty glow. Not today though, for if they found you, a fate worse than death lay ahead.

Reaching his perch in the tree, the man looked down upon the land before him. The skelatal remains of the old city, broken and torn. The empty roads, the quiet that fell over the land, apart from the faint humm of the craft that was now floating away. He smiled to himself, even with all the death, all the pain and terror, there was still something beautiful in this world and that, that was what made it worth figthting for.


He quickly climbed into his hidey-hole and pulled himself into the hammock and fell into a light sleep, swaying slightly in the light breeze. He awoke the next morning with a yawn and a stretch, being careful not to tip the hammock. He looked at the sky, the dark green clouds still blanketed the planet. They?d been there ever since the invasion. Ever since they had polluted the Earth. He opened an MRE, eating the cold sausages and beans as he looked over the city. His supplies where running short and as he sat there, he began to plan a trip into the city.

After his breakfast, the man climbed back down the tree, carefully and slowly, watching the skies as he went. Making sure none of the giant craft were floating about. His rifle, an old Carbine, was slung across his back and tapped at his legs as he struggled back down the giant of a tree. He paused about half way down, taking a swig from his hipflask and wiping the sweat from his brow. The tree was huge and well above ground level. As he continued down, he carefully rigged the safety belt again; making sure it was tight and connected properly. Always check twice he told himself.

When both of his feet were firmly planted on the cracked earth, he took his rifle and held it at his side. Looking to the sun and back to his old silver watch, he made his way forward. The trees around him were dead, the grass brown and sickly. His old boots pattering at the floor with each step. Every so often he would stop, crouch and take an old monocular from his battered jacket and scan the area. Making sure it was clear before proceeding. A light breeze was present, cooling his face as he walked in the midday sun. As he approached the edge of the destoyed grasslands he reached a road. The ashpalt was cracked and weeds grew along it. Looking both ways, he continued walking along the side of the road. No sound but his casual steps and the odd clack of his rifle. It was ghostly quiet. Not even the birds sung, for there were none left.

Buildings soon began to appear, ruined and broken, roofs collasped and doors hanging from their hinges. He didn?t need to check these, he had already scouted the area the day before and if he remembered, there was a large supermarket not far from here. It was risky, the further into the city he went, the less chance he had of hiding. The hunters, named so for that was what they done, roamed the cities during the day and any human they caught had no hope of escape. He stopped and listened at an intersection, nothing. No sounds, no wind, absolute silence. It was desolate. Wrecked and burned out husks of cars lay at the sides of the roads, trucks and other vehicles stood where their drivers had abandonded them.

He opened the door of one vehicle and looked at the inside, a baby seat sat in the rear, straps torn and clothe soaked with a dried red substance. He wipped his nose and turned, seeing the super markets large sign hanging from a pole. Taking one last look at the car, he started towards the shop. If he had been paying any attention, he would have noticed that he wasn?t alone. That somewhere, within the city, he had started to be followed. As he walked towards the old broken building, he saw the cracked windows. The burnt out motor in the automatic door was blackened. Without a second thought he stalked towards it, stepping through one of the broken windows and over the cracked glass that lay on the floor. His rifle was held at the ready, as he walked through the building. He looked at the tills and isles, remembering the people that would have been walking carelessly through the store, the beeps and mindless talk that would have filled the air.

He walked towards the canned food isle making sure his foot steps fell with less sound than a pin dropping. Upon reaching the isle, he saw a few cans left, many were scattered across the floor. He stopped, with rifle across the knee and picked up a few. Soups mainly, a few beans and sausages, hotdogs and some cans of corn. He packed it all, cramming it into his backpack, making sure it was packed tighly to avoid making any sound. As he was zipping the bag up, he heard the crack of glass. Someone or something had stepped through the window. He contiuned to crouch, ears cocked and listening. There was no humm, no sound of machinery. It must be a Human. He swung the backpack onto himself and stalked to the end of the isle, he saw two very human figures disappear down another isle. Like a wolf on the hunt, he made his way after them, poking his head around the shelves; he saw a woman and a child. He followed, carefully and quietly, making sure to keep his distance.

They stopped part way into the shop and looked around, unnoticing of the man that now followed them. The woman looked panicked; she was cursing under her breath and mumbling to the child. The man, who had now deemed them to not be a threat stepped out, rifle held at the side and called to them. ?Hey, you. Wha? you think you doin? following someone ?round here? Stuff like tha?ll get you shot.? He said.
The woman spun on her heels and pushed the child behind her. She looked terrified. ?W-we thought you?d help us? You?re the first human we?ve seen here...in a while...? She said.
The man looked them over and shook his head. ?No can do lady, not even with a kid ? I can?t help you. Get yourself some food and head up the mountains, hideaway and stay quiet. Tha?s all I can give you.? He looked them over once more, should he really do that? He was signing their death warrants, without help they?d perish soon. He knew it. But with them under his wing, he?d follow suit.

The woman pleaded with him, raising her voice, she was creating a lot of noise and he had already thought of slipping away. The hunters would certainly have picked up the direction by now. He ignored the woman and walked to the entrance; outside the clouds were still hovering above them, the dim light still shone through, casting a dull grey over everything. The woman had followed him, looking over his shoulder. He ignored her words. Something felt wrong. Without thinking, he picked up a small piece of glass and chucked it outside. It bounced across the ground with a light ?tink?.

From a side-street infront of them it appeared. A giant machine, like a metallic gorilla. It looked towards the supermarket and its eye swiveled and focused on the three Humans stood before it. With an ear splitting roar, it lunged for them. With the speed only a hawk could match the man turned and sprinted, the woman and child in pursuit. They ran along an isle and crashed through the fire escape and into the car park. Looking behind as he ran, he saw the woman, child in her arms, several feet behind and appearing from the roof, the hunter too. His heart was racing, his lungs screaming yet still he ran, swerving between the cars. His rifle was useless against this machine. The rounds would do nothing but bounce off.


A sudden vibration in the ground sparked more panic; one of the craft was near. He hadn?t heard it. He cursed himself for his lack of care and sprinted all the more. Every muscle in his legs was screaming at him. A green glow appeared behind him as he crossed the street, making for a side alley. He heard a loud and fear filled scream, the hunter had grabbed the woman and child and chucked them into the green light. Slowly they hovered up. The womans cries penetrated to his very bone. He turned and looked at them, the fear spreading across her face. The child screaming, tears running down his face and arms and legs flailing. With two shots from his rifle, he silenced the Childs? screams and then the womans. It was the only mercy he could provide for them.

Stooping into the side-alley, he quickly looked around, a rooftop was no good ? The hunters could climb and jump much higher than he could ever dream of doing. Panicking, he looked to the floor and found his answer; a wrought-iron manhole cover lay at his feet. With great haste, he lifted it and slid down the ladder, making sure to cover it over again and slowly, he descended into the darkness. He stopped at the bottom of the ladder and took a second to adjust his sight to the darkness. His pupils expanded, to let more light in and after a few moments stood in the darkness, he could see atleast enough to make his way forward. Overhead he heard the rumbles of the craft and the hunter stomping around. Dust flaked from the ceiling as he moved. He kept the rifle in his hand at all times. Before the war had ended, the giant craft had released chemicals into the air it had made people go insane, turning them into midless husks of meat and he was sure they hid in dark places such as this.

He pressed forward, his breathing slightly eratic and his heart beating like a drum. His eyes darted left and right as he snuck through the sewers, looking down each of the circular tunnels as he walked. He avoided the trickle of water running through the system, standing instead on the edge of the tunnel, trying to keep noise to a minimum, which is harder done than said when your feet are slipping on the wet surface. After he had gone a hundred metres, or so he thought, it was hard to know in the darkness, he heard the rasp of breathing, though it was many times louder than a human. Turning a corner and looking into one of the giant rooms where all the water flowed too, he saw them. Gathered in semi-darkness and resting in a large group, the mindless stood. His heart was racing; sweat trickled down his forehead as he backed up. Every step could be his last, for he would not escape them in the tunnels.

As he stepped away, his mind began to race. He didn?t know where he was, he wasn?t sure which exit he should take and now, to make it worse, he was next to a hive of the mindless. He daren?t make a sound and he even cursed his thumping heart under his breath, for surely they would hear it. He backtracked and made his way along another tunnel, always checking over his shoulder. ?Damn that stuipd fuckin? woman and her brat...? He muttered to himself.
The tunnels seemed to have no end; they were like a maze of unending corners and never-ending straights. Finally after what seemed like hours of creeping and stumbling around in the darkness he found a ladder leading to the city above. Cautiously he clambered up and with a quick look around the passage; he rested his ear against the cold metal manhole cover. Above, all sounded quiet, yet he was not about to make the same mistake twice and with great care, he lifted the cover a fraction.

The sky had darkened, clouds were now a dark shade of green and the sun was nowhere to be seen. He raised the cover a few inches more and looked around. He was in the middle of an intersection. He saw no sign of the supermarket and all around him, the buildings stood like a concrete jungle. He must have been miles into the city. Not waiting to be devoured by those who dwelled in the sewers, he pulled himself up, after making sure the coast was clear ofcourse. Scuttling into the shadow of a buidling, he took his bearings. Looking around, he could see endless rows of towering concrete and steel and an endless line of blackened cars and other vehicles clogging the roads. He calmed his senses and pushed the panic to the bottom of his stomache, now was not the time to lose his head, in more than one sense.

The night was slowly creeping up on him and without the safety of his hideaway in the tree, he was becoming quite worried. The mindless would crawl out of the sewers at night and roam the city and he didn?t want to be there for that. Sighing to himself, he began to move in the direction he thought was towards his tree many miles away and, although he didn?t know it, his sense of direction was more or less correct. He crept along the pavement always keeping to the shadows, rifle at hand. No sign of the craft or Hunter he had encountered earlier came to his eyes, though this didn?t reasure him. They knew he was here, somewhere.

After walking along one of the streets, he stopped and took shelter within a burnt out building. A small, one story ruin and took another swig of water. His stomach began to rumble as he sat there and not wanting to be found out from the grumbling of his body, he searched his backpack for a can of sweetcorn. Opening it with his knife, he guzzeled down the cold contents of the can with a grim look on his face. He sat for a few moments, hand covering his mouth to stop himself vomitting. Then, again, he stood and continued walking through the deserted streets. The sky was still darkening and nightfall was coming. He wasn?t sure how much further the city edge was and whether he?d make it to his tree today, even if he did, he wasn?t sure about climbing it in the dark.

As he stumbled across another road and intersection, he heard a faint noise coming from a manhole cover. The mindless had woken. His eyes darted around and he saw his only hope. He ran towards a truck, which was parked near to a gas station and jumped onto its bonnet and climbed onto the cab. With a great leap, he found himself on the roof of the gas station. Not a brilliant spot, but if he covered himself well, he might make it to the morning and that was better than waiting to be torn to pieces by many hands and teeth.

That night, he got no sleep. The screams and cries of savagery echoed across the buildings. Every second he was praying that a Hunter or one of the craft didn?t make a sweep this way. For even the mindless where taken sometimes. Everytime he started to nod off, the womans screams bounced off his head and the terrified eyes of the child stared at him. He couldn?t shake off the feeling. He could have helped them; maybe he could have kept them alive. No, they were doomed. They made too much noise, if I hadn?t of ran when I did, I would have joined them in death, he reasoned. Still the feeling stayed, lurking in the back of his mind.

The morning came and gradually, the screams died down and the mindless returned to their dark corners within the sewers. The man peeked over the edge of the station and looked around the street. It looked clear. The screams where now but a distant chorus, slowly fading away. He crawled around the outside of the roof and looked over every edge of the building, making sure none were trapped inside the store or taking cover from the light in a ruin. Happy that the coast was clear, he packed up his bedding and swung his backpack onto his shoulder and slung his rifle and clung to the edge of the roof and fell to the floor, with a light ?thud?. With practiced ease, he slid the rifle into his hands and took a quick look around; noticing the fresh pools of bile that now littered the floor. The smell was almost unbearable and made him gag.

The morning sun was glaring through the clouds and cast long shadows along the floor. The man looked to the sky. Still the green clouds lingered and tinted the light, as they always would. He was just about to make his way along the battered road when he heard the tell tale humm of one of the craft. Looking again to the skies he saw it floating around, high above the towering buildings. He swore under his breath, the craft meant the hunters would be about soon. Searching the streets for any humans who had taken refuge, like the man, from the mindless. He began to walk with a quick pace, forwards, clinging to the buildings and hoping for the love of all things that he did not get spotted.

Stepping between cars, trucks and buses that littered the streets, he made his way slowly forwards. The constant humm keeping him alert. His ears were on fire, listening for the tell tale foot steps of a Hunter creeping along; his eyes darted across the skies, making sure he didn?t find himself within the pull of the green light. For a moment, he thought of playing hide and seek as a child, albeit it now if he was found, he faced the very real certainty of death. He laughed to himself, he was always the best at hide and seek, never could the other kids find him and though he often cheated and moved, he still blessed his days as a child. He then thought of his friends, many, possibly all of them, where now dead. His mood dampend.

The craft hovered over head, the green light slowly pursueing him, with no where to go least he be found, he crawled under the burnt out wreck of a car, holding his breath. The green light washed over the road, the cars. Everything turned a light shade of green and the humm rattled his teeth, every bone in his body shook as the craft scanned the area, he hoped the car would hide him from the fate that awaited otherwise. Although he only lay there for a few seconds, it felt like an eternity. Every breath could be his last, every second seemed to last a century. Finally, the light moved on and the green tint disappeared. He let out a sigh of relief. His whole body was shaking with fear; every muscle in his body was tensed. After a few minutes of lying underneath of the vehicle, listening. He crawled back out, checked over his rifle once and looked to the skies. The craft was disappearing behind one of the towering buildings.


He laughed quietly to himself, such is the way to deal with overpowering fear, and made his way along the road, careful to keep an eye on the sky. He looked into the windows of the abandoned shops, cracked glass lying at the base of the windows, walls blackened by fire. Remembering how it used to be. How many people went about their daily ordeals, wandering up the streets, rushing in and out of shops, cars beeping and hooting, and the screech of tires braking. It was strange to think that was only a few years ago, since then so much had changed. So many people had died. He cast the thoughts from his mind, for surviving was far more important than dwelling on the past.

He had only been walking for a few more minutes when he heard the thumping of the floor. No sooner had he stopped and listened, he dived to the side, pressing himself into the wall. If he had acted any later, he would surely have died, for at that moment a Hunter appeared. Standing nearly one and a half stories high and as wide as a battle tank, the machine stopped and looked around. Its giant green eye taking in the area, passing over every inch of ground save for the little nook where the man hid. The hunter moved forwards, whurring as it went, each step giving a mechanical clang. It looked as if it was sniffing at the air, like a predator seeking out its prey. The man shifted, to sit more comforably, as he did so a can in his backpack rattled and within a second the hunter had turned and focused its giant eye upon the corner where the man lay.

Panicking and with no other choice but to run or die, the man stood and sprinted. The hunter let out a loud roar, which would get the crafts attention and began to chase him down. Fear overwhelmed him and all sense sank from his brain. He turned to the only option left. Fight. Like Horatio, the brave Roman who had stood at the bridge and faced down an army of thousands, the man turned, unslung his rifle and fired. He put several rounds into the giant green eye and the machine flinched, it darted back as if in pain. His gun spat rounds at the machine; each found its way to the green eye. The machine shook with rage and pain, covering its head, if it could be called that, with its giant hand. Seeing his temporary grace, he turned and ran, empyting his magazine and putting it into a pocket, before slapping another one into place.

Before he had time to breath, the beast was upon him again. Now enraged at the pain this meatbag had caused it. The man ran, darting around the vehicles and sprinting as fast as he could. No one was here to save him, no woman and child to die for him this time. He turned and fired his rifle again, a few rounds found their way into the creatures eye and again it stumbled, rolling into a few of the cars. The gunshots echoed all over the city, the man knew he had to lose the hunter and escape this block, for many would come soon and then all hope would be lost. As always his brain was thinking fast and before long he had a plan, though he wasn?t sure if it would work, it was better than doing nothing and being taken to one of the floating craft.

The Gas station was a little way down the road and if he was clever, he could lure the machine to it. The hunter ran faster than ever, hopping over the vehicles and at one point, nearly catching the man. He dodged, tripped and rolled his way along the street, panic and sheer terror driving him to run faster than he ever had and everytime he felt the machine get too close, he loosed a few rounds behind him. He was out of breath, his lungs where screaming for air and his legs felt as if they were on fire, but on he ran.

The Gas station appeared as he rounded the corner and he knew what he had to do. Sprinting past it, he turned and peppered the machine and as it flailed its arms to stop the rounds hitting the giant green eye, it reared back into the station, hitting the pumps and rolled onto its back, crushing several of the pumps. The man looked in horror; the fuel must have dried up. With nothing else left for it and the faint humm of the craft coming back again, he lept onto the machines chest and emptied the clip into it. Screaming with rage as he done so. The rounds tore apart metal and ripped into a soft almost flesh-like material. The machine gave one last twitch and then fell silent. The man looked at the wound he had caused and watched as a black, oily substance began to leak from it.

Without a second glance he jumped off of the machine and ran, putting as much distance between himself and the gas station as possible. He ran without paying much attention to where he was going and soon the humm of the craft disappeared again. He felt lucky to be alive; he had taken out a hunter and lived to tell the tale. He patted down his pockets and felt for the remaining magazines for his rifle. His smile dropped. Two. Just sixty rounds and what was left in his current clip. Atleast until he reached his tree again.

The buildings where starting to become smaller and spaced further apart, he was finally reaching the outskirts of the city. Two days just for a food run. He was just about to cross the road when he heard voices. ?C?mon dude, there was gunfire back there? We gotta move, them fackin? hunters will be rovin? about now?
?No, we stay put brother, we go out there and we?re as good as dead...?
Two men were talking inside the building. The man stooped next to the window and slowly crept past. He could see the flickering of a fire and after a peek around the corner he saw a stash of weapons and food. These two had obviously bunkered down. Whether they were bandits, or friendly didn?t cross his mind. He didn?t need any more attention coming his way and so he crept on, leaving them far behind.

Finally after a long trek he reached the road that led to his tree. He stopped to rest, sitting on a rock by the road and took another swig from his flask. Watching as the clouds swam across the sky. He should have been thankful, he survived an encounter with a Hunter, a night surrounded by The Mindless and even dodged one of the large floating craft and killed yet another hunter, a feat he had thought impossible. Yet his mind was still caught on the woman and child he had met. He felt ashamed of himself. Angry that he had not done anything and even though his sense of survival had told him it was the only thing that he could have done, that without them, he would surely have been taken; his mind would not let him purge it of that thought. He kicked a stone in anger and watched as it bounced across the asphalt.

He stood, again and after stretching his legs a little, continued through the brush and out across the grass covered hills, following his previous footsteps back through the sickly brown grass. He struggled up the dirt mound and worked his way along the torn earth, careful not to fall and after an hour or so; he had reached the base of his tree. Clipping himself onto the safety harness he had left a few days ago, he began the ascent to his little refuge. He made his way half way up the tree before stopping and looking back down onto the cityscape, watching several of the craft now hovering over the towering buildings, no doubt searching for him. He thought of the two men who were sat in the building and whether they would see the night. He shook his head and continued to climb, finally reaching the top most branches and clambered to his little outpost.

The tree was huge and his base was in the cup of an almost hand like ring of branches, with enough space to lay a bed, or hammock. Above him, were several camouflaged sheets, hanging from the branches to keep water and the craft from reaching him, to his side more sheets lay to keep the wind out. It was almost homely. Food hung in bags, on the end of smaller branches or twigs that stuck out and clothes were hung over branches and from a line below the sheets above him. A little gas stove sat by the hammock and other odds and end littered the floor of the tree. Including a few old photographs, the faces of a woman with sharp features and a small child, both smiling appeared in a few. Others included a man, roughly the same age as him smiling and in some they were together either play fighting or sat at a bar, a few others included them all together, with many more people behind them. The man took one glance at these and glanced at the woman and child. He stood still for a second, frozen in place and out of time. He shook his head, pushed them under another stack and slumped onto his hammock.

There he lay for several hours, watching as the sun crept behind the clouds and the many shades of green flared across the sky. The leaves rustled in the light breeze and his hammock swung slightly. He dozed off as he lay there and entered a world completely different. He was still lying in his hammock, yet it was in a porch, his garden lay next to him. The sun shone strong and the air was clean, not a cloud littered the sky. The smell of fresh cut grass wafted over his senses and the shouts of children playing sung through his ears, cars drove along the road, their engines quietly drinking away at fuel. He lay there, eyes closed, listening to their voices, smelling the air and all too soon it ended. He awoke in his tree, tasting the dirty air and looked at the clouds painting the land a sickly green. He sighed, yawning as he done so. He didn?t realise how tired he was and how much his legs ached. He had ran more than ever in the past few hours and nothing tires you out like running for your life from certain death.

He tossed and turned in his sleep, faces were sweeping past as if caught in a great river. He caught glimpses of eyes, smiles and hair racing past though he didn?t recognise anyone. It had been so long since he had heard another human voice. So long without conversation, or interaction with another. He wondered if that had caused him to act the way he had at the supermarket, if maybe his dis-attachment from people had made him like a wolf. Quiet, secluded and removed from emotions. Strange shapes danced through his dreams, disappearing when he tried to make them out. He awoke with a start and sweat was pouring from his brow. The night was late and he heard the faint cries of The Mindless in the city below. Slowly, he fell back into a disturbed and uneasy sleep.

He awoke the next morning feeling tired, his sleep had been interrupted by many outbursts, each preceeded by another dream, or nightmare as they are rightly called. He rubbed his eyes and looked under his sheets; from the vantage point in his tree he could see the city below him. The craft were doing another sweep many miles away, slowly drifting in the distance. He sighed and stretched his joints, yawning as he did so. He glanced towards his water tank, or more correctly, barrel. It could hold enough for a few days and he had forgotten to fill it for some time. Tapping a knuckle on the side, he heard the tell tale sound of air. The barrel was nearly empty. His stomach dropped, he?d have to travel into the city again, or atleast near to it, for there were no rivers or streams next to the tree, yet that was a price he was willing to pay for the relative safety it provided.

Shaking down a bag, he gathered a few more magazines for his rifle, carefully counting out the ammunition inside. His supply of five-five-six was running short and he wasn?t sure how much longer his stache would last. If he was careful, and wasn?t come upon by The Mindless, he hoped for a long while yet. He didn?t plan to get into a fire-fight anytime soon. Having gathered his supplies and packed his rucksack with great care, as to avoid a repeat of yesterday?s incident with the Hunter, he began the long climb down his tree again. The morning sun was glaring through the clouds, casting the usual light shade of sickly green across the landscape.

Don't say I didn't warn you...Also - if the punctuation is replaced by "?" I'm going to kill several small children.
 

Dectomax

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ThreeWords said:
Dectomax said:
( The escapist has the strange habit of turning random punctuation into question marks ) I have decided I'd rather cut my own arm off.
Just post. It's all borked in the Preview, but it'll be fine in the post =)
Alas, you're correct! Thank you good sir!
 

ThreeWords

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Dectomax said:
ThreeWords said:
Dectomax said:
( The escapist has the strange habit of turning random punctuation into question marks ) I have decided I'd rather cut my own arm off.
Just post. It's all borked in the Preview, but it'll be fine in the post =)
Alas, you're correct! Thank you good sir![/quote

That's what I'm here for. I'll be doing some reading and critiquing at some point, but I'm kinda busy at the moment...
 

FinalDream

[Insert Witty Remark Here]
Apr 6, 2010
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I like this, a good idea.

Here's one of my very first posts (way back in Aug 2010) in a now defunct Star Wars RP titled 'Empire at War'.

Jan Shen-Jong let the last of the drink slide down her throat and banged the glass on the bar. The nightclub was hot, crowded, dark and way overpriced but when the Empire was paying your tab what did it matter? All she had to do was turn up to the recruitment centre tomorrow. She signalled the female Twi'lek behind the bar who had already made the mistake of telling her she had drunk quite enough and watched as she silently re-filled the glass, scowling before serving another customer. Then unexpectedly Jan jumped when somebody pinched her ass and with alcohol laced breath the human male whispered gently into her ear.

"Hello darling"

Jan smiled to herself, put down the glass she had just picked up and turned around to give the impression of meeting a lover. Except Jan rammed a hidden blaster forcibly into his crotch and watched him grunt with pain. Pressing herself up to him she whispered back into his ear about removing a certain piece of dangling anatomy and watched the colour drain from his face. Quickly re-holstering the blaster she watched him merge into the crowd and vanish from sight. Leaning back on the bar Jan finished her drink, paid the tab to a relived Twi'lek and left. The night carried a little chill but Jan had drunk enough to neither care or notice.

Earlier in the day she had already bought the necessary equipment for tomorrow, a new suit of sleeveless light armour, combat boots, a blaster pistol and an over the shoulder satchel bag. The rest she bought from the black market, thermal detonators, door breaching explosives and a variety of illegal hacking equipment.

Arriving back at the hotel (booked courtesy of the empire) she manoeuvred, as best she could, around the Porter/Protocol droid dithering about in the lobby. Jan knew the design flaw in this model, it talked to much. The turbo lift offered a short ride to her floor and soon Jan stood at her door fumbling for the swipe card, completely missing the slot it took her a few more minutes to open the door. When it clicked open and the light sprung to life inside Jan staggered in almost falling over.

Pushing her hair back behind her ears she stood back up closed the door and opened the mini-bar grabbing the first bottle of colourful liquid she could find. Opening the door to the small balcony she stepped outside and admired the view, Coruscant was as always the hub of activity even in the small hours. The traffic had reduced to streams of colourful light that zigzagged between the tops of buildings and above, in the distance the Imperial palace loomed as a reminder of the reason for her new found luxuries. Drinking the small bottle in one go she pulled a face at the extremely sour taste and wondered if the price was just as a bad. Somewhere in the back of her mind a little thought popped up nagging her to go and get some sleep. She silently obeyed.

Her first attempt at talking to the alarm clock resulted in it issuing an apology for not recognising a single word and politely reminded her to speak either in basic or another known language.

The cheek

Jan's second attempt registered correctly and she stripped, putting the blaster on the bed side stand, before climbing under the sheets. She fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow and recognising a sleeping heartbeat the lights winked out.

The alarm clock gently released a low pulse of air that woke Jan immediately, groaning she dismissed it with a voice command and pulled herself out of bed. After a cold shower she headed up to the restaurant and while eating a rather tasty breakfast she scanned the hacked Imperial news network on her datapad. There was no hint to the mysterious job offer - aside from some public relations piece that screamed BS. What ever was really going on, somebody was taking great pains to cover it up, or maybe, just maybe it was all innocent after all? Jan snorted and dismissed the idea as unlikely.

Back in her room she hacked the mini-bar and reversed the outrageous price of the sour drink from last night before settling on using it to gain access to the hotels network and looking through the registry, nothing, no-one even vaguely interesting, not even an imperial spy to keep tabs on her. She sighed and hacked the local news network, applying filters and word searches to distill the public relations pieces, dull celebrity gossip and rumours into a credible size. Out of curiosity she added 'Recruitment Centre' and began scanning the results. It seemed as though there was an unusually high rate of muggings right outside that ended when the Zabrak responsible mistook an Imperial Officer for a raw recruit and got arrested.

Clearing the filters she began again ignoring the news of a near skirmish with the Rebels at Kashykk that seemed to have ground most traffic to halt in the system but found little of interest. Logging off she slung the datapad into her satchel bag and headed for the bathroom. Watching herself in the mirror she smiled and realised it felt good to be free, well as free as you could be on an Imperial leash. Wondering what to do next an idea popped into her head.

It was more than likely the job offer would keep her occupied for sometime so why not have a little fun? Reaching for the datapad again she hacked the Porter Droid in the lobby and made a few select changes. Packing her gear up she headed to the lobby to check out and upon exiting the turbo lift she heard the barrage of insults the Droid was giving to some poor old lady, waving its arms around in the air it knocked her bags across the floor and let out a string of profanities that made the old lady blush with embarrassment. As apologising staff rushed to her assistance Jan stepped up to the reception clerk, paid her bill, and walked out wearing a wide grin across her face.
 

FinalDream

[Insert Witty Remark Here]
Apr 6, 2010
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If nobody has any objections, I'd like to help form a writing workshop with anyone interested.
 

Doc Gnosis

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May as well bring up a failed RPG I conceived a while back. Failed before it even got any ground. Because how much text there is, I can only provide a hyperlink for those interested in probing this:

Following the Red Trail... [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/540.299757-The-Red-Trail-A-Vampire-The-Masquerade-RPG-Status-Hiatus]

Touted as 'A Roleplay of Personal Horror,' I was hoping to get enough people to create a game of betrayal, suspense, and psychology using the World of Darkness as a narrative lens.
 

Soviet Heavy

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Here was the first post I made in the Star Brigade thread.

Tom awoke with a sudden jump at the sound of the alarm. Cold sweat beaded on the back of his neck while panic started to settle in. "Emergency protocols activated. All personnel to ready stations." That infuriatingly calm voice didn't help either.

The alarm klaxons eliminated any sense of drowsiness Anderson had left, and he jumped to his feet, frantically pulling on his work clothes and jamming his feet into his boots. Hopping on one foot while trying to get his left boot on, Tom Anderson stumbled out of his cabin into the wide hallway. This was immediately followed by him tumbling into a rather angry looking Ferrax.

The four hundred pound alien turned his large, tusked head to Tom and growled. "Watch where you're going Farworlder." The Ferrax snorted at Tom before continuing down the hallway. Slumped against the wall, Tom managed to squeeze his foot into his boot. Getting to his feet, Tom patted himself off, and made his way down the hallway.

Tom didn't need to guess which way it was to the diagnostics room. The emergency lights had conveniently lit the walkways to each operating cell aboard the Star-Brigade. Following the winding path, and working his way through the bustling corridor, Tom finally found his way into his workstation. He was surprised to see a tall, red tinted Astrid in his signature orange engineer's jacket. Demexin was already on the case.

"Can someone please tell me what is going on?" moaned Tom. The other diagnostic workers were too busy to listen, but the chief of engineering turned to him with a glare in his eyes. Demexin closed the panel he was tweaking and spoke.

"Some genius hasn't been checking the atmospheric compensators to differentiate the pressure levels for the upper tier cabins." he muttered. "The oxygen leak is just part of the problem. Sure, it's the only part this blasted computer will detect, but if I don't fix the thing soon, it'll blow the whole cabin out. Then, I've got an even bigger problem to fix!"

Thomas simply responded with a short "Oh." He was good with computer tech, but mechanical labour wasn't his strong suit.

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Yeah, there is something you can do." said Demexin hauling his toolkit out the hatch. "You can go up to your captain and tell him that he might need to find new sleeping arrangements for the next six months if the goddamn computer doesn't seal the upper tier cabins!"

And with that, Demexin stormed off. Thomas took a small cloth out of his shirt pocket and wiped his brow. This was going to be a bad day.

I try to add more context to the scenes most of the time, moreso than simple speak and respond back and forth talk. I haven't done it as much recently, but that was due to real life circumstances hampering my ability to function emotionally.
 

ThreeWords

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TheIronRuler said:
ThreeWords said:
TheIronRuler said:
The story ends with this passage:

We greet each other goodbye, and he tells me I should inform my mother of his arrival. I take a few steps away from Bartholomew and I look up at the sky. I am surprised to see the daylight fading away, and as I look at the square I can see people lighting candles for the event.
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To me, it seems incomplete. Is there some missing, or are you going for a relatively subtle message?

As for style, there's nothing immediately wrong with the delivery. Occasionally, you repeat a phrase in such a way that it feels odd, and there is the odd grating phrase; "bad for you abdomen" makes for an awkward threat, for example.

The other thing is that you use a limited narrator, but occasionally your descriptions seems to be omniscient, and don't fit the youthful aspect of the past-version narrator.

Finally, you put wrote "fourteen year old nice", which won't come up on you spell check.
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I should go over the spelling and composition another time, but it's a hassle.
Yes, it's only a portion of the story.
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Suspicion arises

I have had enough of this distraction. I look at the plaque for one last time, and then I sit down on the mattress. There really isn't anything interesting to do in this tight box besides sleeping. I close my eyes and try to think of pleasant things, it might help me relax, like it used to.

But it can't be helped. I can't see any pleasant things in my mind anymore. It all resorts to one image, stuck in my head, can't leave my mind no matter how hard I try.

A cold person, calling out to me, but he can't speak. "She's a crow" I can hear a female voice coming from a nearby room. This might become troublesome. "I'm certain of it" the voice continues. "How are you so sure?" a male voice replies with anxiety, he probably thinks I am eavesdropping their conversation.

"Her left sleeve is longer than her right. She must be left handed." The male voice proclaims loudly. I can hear a muffled thud coming from that direction "Don't shout. She might hear us" the female voice now begins to whisper. "I have had enough of this foolishness. She won't hurt us, and we can profit from this situation." The male voice says, now a much calmer, quiet voice.

"These men have nothing to do here and they pay by credit. We won't collect their debts, because we won't find a person with enough guts to deal with them." The male voice exclaims. "I know Dan very well, I know he won't ignore a debt and run" the female voice whispers. "They can deal with the girl and take her luggage. You saw she isn't from Falcon. She paid with a half silver guild coin." The male voice says. "That's like ten Falcon, right?" the female voice replies. "That coin is worth nineteen and two thirds of a Falcon, I checked at Charles' exchange after Dan left. We can split the profit and he can use the money to pay his debt and stay here for another two weeks" the male voice says.

That is bad news for me. They think I can be robbed and killed. "But what if she's an actual crow?" I can now hear that the females' tone changes. She is now frightened. "I heard they eat people?" she says with disgust. "Dan will take care of her. Just hurry and call for him." The male voice says.

There aren't any others in besides these two. He must be the proprietor I met earlier.

She fears the crows. I know why all must fear the crows.
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First reveal of the Crows

I quickly walk towards the square but in my way I stumble on something and fall on the ground. I quickly survey my body and I can see that there aren't any bruises. I stand up and scream at the boy on the ground "Get up! Look at what you did to me!"

I hear voices from all directions "A new corpse? A new corpse has arrived". I cringe, I look around me but I can't find any sign of life. I can't see any lights, and I now realize that I've walked into a dead end surrounded by houses. "Take the new corpse? shiny?. lets eat ? eat her" I can hear the voices in the background and I scream, but nothing comes out of my mouth. I can't move, I just scream for help, but again nothing is coming out of my mouth. "The crows feast on corpses? But this one is already rotten" I can hear two other voices. My heart starts pumping twice as fast and I begin to sweat as I barely manage to say "help". Suddenly the boy on the ground stands up and his hand reaches for me "He is not dead! It's a monster!" I scream. The boy smiles at me and then slaps me.

"Calm down, are you insane?" he grabs my hands. "Are you bloody mentally handicapped?" he says, I can hear giggles in the background. "Turn on the lights, it's not funny anymore" he says. "I just need to find a match." I can hear in the background an older male voice.
"Pussy." I can hear in the background, coming from a different boy.

"I recognize you" the boy tells me. "You're Jane, right?" he asks me. I scream and jump in my place as I feel two large hands on my shoulders. "You get scared easily" I can hear a boys' voice from behind me. "My name is Adam" he says.

A candle light is present, and it reveals five young boys standing around me, snickering. "What are you doing here?" I ask angrily. "Scaring people like you till the festival starts" the boy who was on the ground a few moments earlier says, "I'm Blake" he adds.

I begin shaking, "Can you get me a chair?" I ask Blake. He nods and then he turns around to fetch one. "Did she pee her dress? Did she?" I can hear a high pitched voice of a young boy, "No, I haven't." I shout at the young boy.

I sit down on a stool and try to restore the pace of my heart to its normal state. "While I recover" I am interrupted by the young boys' laughter. I stare at the laughing boy, "I want to tell you two things. Firstly, the festival is starting in a few minutes, secondly I want to know what you were doing" I tell the boys.

"Do you know of the crows?" Blake asks me, I can hear in the background Adam doing his best to imitate scary sounds, "They roam the countryside in search of corpses. They find them and they take everything ?" he pauses, and the entire group starts making a rather bad imitation of scary sounds, "And then they eat them!" he shouts along with his friends and I jump in my chair.

"That's stupid, there's no such thing as these crows!" I yell at them. I stand up, "Go out and do something useful for a change!" I yell at the group of boys. I leave the alley surrounded by houses with shaking knees towards the main event of the celebrations.
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A narrow escape

I open the narrow window and shiver for a moment; I can feel the cold night breeze slapping my face. I reach for my tool belt and strap them into my belt. I will need them if things won't go peacefully. The whispering suddenly stops. I put on my hood and brace myself for a tough landing from approximately three times my height.

As I squeeze myself through the window and crouch on the ledge, I pray that a crow may not feast upon my flesh. The moment I hear the door being forced open, I jump and manage to land safely. I look around the surroundings for an exit, but it appears I have entered an inner courtyard, surrounded by the Tavern and other houses.

One of the assailants, a heavy, bald, old man walks towards the window and spots me "Young girls shouldn't travel alone. They might get hurt, or robbed, or perhaps even kidnapped" the man says with a smile. I point at a gold molar wedged inside his mouth, visible as he laughs, "I will take that gold in your mouth for compensation" I shout at the man.

I need to make a reputation for myself in this land. I don't want to handle all sorts of scum on my way. I reach for my tools and lay them on the ground. I move my hand over the handle of my serrated knife. As I wait for the man to chase after me and then try to subdue me, I return the tools to my belt and pull the dagger from its leather scabbard.

"I should have sharpened it the last time I went to a blacksmith." I say as I prepare myself for the upcoming engagement.

Engagement is a funny word. It is used to describe many things. An agreement between two men or even two nations, talks of peace ? and also a fight between two men. It is also used to describe a pre-marriage agreement between two lovers, or sometimes two strangers.

Among those things, the word 'untrustworthy' come to mind. I wonder why.
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Engagement broken

I approach the square and from there I can see all of the lit candles scattered around town, all of the stalls at the square vanished but "Wonders of the Goddess" still remains firmly in its place, and so do its patrons. A small stage is set in the middle of the square, in which a few musical instruments and stools lie. I manage to find Darla by searching for her dress, and as I approach her she waves me.

"Where are the musicians?" I ask Darla. "Apparently they are drunk in some roadside pub" she snickers, but I can see through her charade "They'll enter the stage in a few minutes, won't they?" I ask Darla with a tired tone.

"Yes. You caught me!" she raises her hands and smiles. "That's not very funny" I tell her "You don't have to be mean-" Darla says but I interrupt her "But I want to be mean. There's a difference" I say and I giggle shortly afterwards.

She places her hand over my shoulder "Sister, could we stop doing this for one night? I am too anxious." Darla says. "Are you waiting for your suitor?" I ask Darla with a condescending tone. She pushes me away, and then she eagerly stares at the crowd on the other side, composed entirely out of men. I suddenly realize that the entire village is split between the two sides of the square, one for the women and the other for the men.

"I hope the music will be here soon?. I can't wait for him to ask me?. I am so exited" these are the things I hear while I try to find my grandmother and mother in the crowd.

I see a strong bright light above me. It is coming from the castle, they've lit all of their candles indoors, and I can see people walking past the windows quite clearly.

I can hear shouts, and moans of horses "Make way for the Son of the Earl of Trenium, master of 'her lady' knights and land lord of Trenium" I can hear a voice of a man declare these words, but they mean less than nothing to me. I can see on the other side of the village, near the trunk me and Bartholomew sat on, a light in the darkness, coming from the forest. I can hear the moans of the horses even more loudly, and now I can also hear the screeching of the wagon wheels. "They must've been driving constantly if it sounds like the horses are about to pass out." Someone from the crowd says.

The wagon begins its travel through the village and to the castle. A few servants run ahead of it and warn us to make way for the wagon. I feel a hand pulling me from behind and a breath on my neck "Hello darling." My mother whispers in my ear. "Stay close to me" she says. "Where is grandma?" I ask mother. She signals me to be quiet. The two group split in half and make way for the wagon, as the patrons of "Wonders of the Goddess" scramble to move the stand. I point at Bartholomew as he is helping the men, "Mother, it's your Uncle. Bartholomew is here" I tell my mother. She nods and signals me again to be quiet.

The wagon enters the village, you can see the envoys riding ahead to spread the news to the castle. The wagon slowly comes to a halt and stops at the village square, waiting to meet the lord of the castle outside. "Mother, why aren't they entering the castle?" I asked my mother, "Don't talk" she says as she stares at the wagon.

The lord of the castle exits the gate with a posy of three men all on horseback, all three wearing full plate armor with their weapons but our lord rides with no armor. "Good evening to you son of the Earl of Trenium, master of 'her lady' knights and land ?" our lord says but is abruptly interrupted "May we skip the pleasantries?" can be heard from the wagon. The visitor exits the wagon and walks towards our Lord "I am here to discuss the future of our two families." The visitor smiles and looks around the village.

"It seems you have a lively village with many peasants" he begins to search the side of the women for something, where I am standing with my mother. "Then we should carry forth the negotiations swiftly before any more blood is shed" our lord says. "Relax Edward. I know you, we used to have fun when we ?" the other man says, but our lord interrupts him "I suggest you come into my house and we continue to dwell on the matter without any peasants listening" our Lord tells the other man.

"You are right. But before we continue I would like to ask for a gift" the other man says with a smile. "I assure you that all you desire can be found in my ?" our Lord says but is interrupted by the man, pointing at me "There; that one. Give me that one for the night; the one with the red hair and the green eyes. She is young, but not too young. Perfect for ?" the visitor says. My mother strengthens her grip over me and moves a few paces back, trying to disappear in the crowd. Our lord interrupts the visitor "Today is a celebration; we should not disturb my village. Furthermore, don't you think she is a tad too young for your intentions?" our lord suggests the visitor. My mother sighs and whispers in my ear "You see our lord? He will protect us, no matter-" mother says, but she is suddenly interrupted as a man pulls her away from me, and another grabs me by the hip, "Edward, if you will allow me this I will relinquish our demands for the clearing. Father allowed me some freedom in the negotiations" the visitor says. The man that came with the visitor drags me from the crowd and places me in front of the visitor "Tell me, girl, what is your name?" the visitor asks me. I dare not answer, I dare not look up, I only pray that he would grow tired and forget about me. "Girl, answer me!" the visitor yells at me, I feel a hand on my head; it grabs me and makes me look at the visitor.

"Listen to me my Goddess, mother of all, and creator of all men. Guide me in your path and protect you faithful servant through the night to come, May you protect ?" I say to myself, waiting for a miracle to occur but a miracle does not show itself. The visitor interrupts me "That is swell. We can hear you pray in my quarters, and then in my servants' quarters. Pray as you wish, she will not listen. But I will listen to you, I will listen to you all night-" he begins to laugh, looking at his men with their hands on their hilts. As he tries to continue he is interrupted; "Enough!" I can hear a shout from the crowd. "This is disgraceful? this is immoral? this is evil!" other shouts are heard in the crowd, as the men slowly walk towards the wagon. The men that came with the visitor draw their swords, "Restrain your peasants" the visitor tells our lord. Our Lord orders his men to draw their swords.

"No need to take my sister. She is too frail, and I am pure" I can hear from the crowd. The visitor looks at me "Who is this sister? Show yourself" he raises his voice so that the men can hear him too. From the crowd exits Darla, "I am her sister. No need to harm her" Darla says. "Darla, No!" I can hear my mother shout in the background. "Darla? Not a fine physique, but it'll do. Edward, I will be having a guest." The visitor tells our lord. As Darla walks by I manage to glimpse at her face ? she smiles at me. "Everything is going to be alright" I can hear my mother walking closer to me; she is now moving her hand through my hair "Everything will be-" she can't finish her sentence, she begins to sob and then she holds me tighter.

A few minutes pass. The musicians are now arriving and everyone is ready for the festival. "What about Darla?" I ask mother, "She made her choice. There's nothing we can do now" mother says with a tired tone.

They dare not oppose the lords, the cowards.

They dare not look up, the cowards.

They dare not speak up, the cowards.

They dare not raise their arms, the cowards.

They stay in their place, the peasants.

I understand what must be done. But I do not understand what is needed for the feat to be accomplished. I need to go after my sister and save her. She smiled at me, she wants me to go and save her, she helped me as my sister and now I must help her as her sister. I must find a way into the castle and save her. Perhaps her suitor could be of assistance.

"Mother, which one of the men was intended for Darla?" I ask mother while she is selling bouquets to young suitors for a ball a piece. She doesn?t answer till I grab her waist, "Which one?" I ask her again. She reaches for a bucket with the bouquets in it, a young man approaches her. "Hello Charles. Will you see Darla tomorrow as planned?" Charles seems to be nervous, he reaches for his pocket and hands my mother a flax bag, "The dowry, with some silver in it." He barely manages to say these words. "Father told me-" he says, but is interrupted by mother "Goodbye." She says as she grabs the flax sack, sits down on a stool behind her and begins to count the coins.

I walk up to Charles. "Can you help Darla?" I ask him. He ignores me and continues to walk away, "She loves you, how can you do that to her?" I scream at him. He walks towards me and gets down on his knees to look me in my eyes; he moves his hands over my shoulders and says "There is no saving for her. Trying to do that is suicidal".

I slap him. I've never used violence before. "Consider me dead." I shout at him. I run out of the square. I need to find a place to cry and pray. No, not pray ? she wouldn't save me then ? why would she save me now? She isn't here; if she was here she wouldn't have let the visitor take my sister. If she can't help me, then I can't help my sister, I can't rescue her from him.
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An offensive stance

The cold wind sends a chill down my spine. It's a cold damn night in a backwater village on my way to Danius. I should never have stopped here, I paid for five nights and got three, but in the end I never got to rest and now I'm getting robbed for coin. In a moment I will turn it all around. I love gossip; it usually keeps the scum away. Like the bunch I'm about to face.

I kneel on the snow and lay my tool belt on the ground. I proceed to open it and look at the various tools of the trade I had gathered throughout my work. I reach for a long, narrow knife placed inside a thick piece of leather. I move my hands over the rest of the tools, I can see the stains of dry blood some of them have since all of them participated in scavenging the dead. Even though they are dead, there is still some blood left.

I get myself ready. I see in my mind the way my feet should move, how I should stand and where my hands should be. This is an offensive stance. There is no need to defend myself; there is no place for me to run to. I grip my dagger and mimic a few stabs I will perform when the men pursuing me arrive.

The groin, the Liver, the kidney, the armpit, the neck, these are all valid targets.

One should always end the fight with as few stabs as possible; to limit the amount of time you are in combat.

One should always confirm the kill; slice the main artery stretching through the neck.

One should always protect himself, even if it requires actions with no honor.

That is what the guide says. But I have no desire for honor. The damn guide proved to be worthless while my excursions into the world of cold corpses proved to be very informative. I have never heard a man call a murder art, but it seems to be the only thing I can admire and learn from while I examine the cold corpses the abandoned battlefields have to offer.

I can hear footsteps coming from the courtyard entrance. Now it's time to get his golden tooth.
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An independent mind

Bartholomew said that each makes his own fate. Maybe I don't need a goddess. Maybe I don't need any help. I'm a little girl, why would anyone suspect me ? I won't be able to hurt anyone, I'm so small and insignificant.

I stop in my tracks "That's it" I say out loud. "I'll get into the castle and find her". "They won't let you in" I can hear a voice from the shadows. "If you try to enter, they will take you and ?", I suddenly hear a bad imitation of scary sounds. I recognize that voice. "Blake, can you help me?" I ask the voice. "Shit. I can't scare people. I'm only good as bait, a corpse to see" he mumbles as he leaves the dark alleyway on my right, "Adam, get out". I can also see Adam walk behind him.

"Are we alone?" I ask the two boys. "Yes." Adam says. I've never had the chance to see them clearly in the light. Blake is roughly my age, a bit shorter with brown hair. Adam looks much older than him, and he is also much taller. "How old are you?" I ask Adam.

Adam moves his right hand behind his head and brushes his hair, "I'm thirteen" he says. "The lucky boy here is a head taller and two years younger than me" Blake tells me. I giggle, "You're fifteen and you look like a child, you're so ?", Blake stops me "We don't have to help you." He tells me with a distant and cold tone.

I walk towards Blake and grab his right hand as he begins to walk away, "Please." I tell him. He turns around, "Can you help me get into the castle?" I ask him. "I can ask my sister" I hear a voice behind me, then suddenly a hand grabs me from behind and I quickly turn around to find Adam standing there. "You scared me, Adam." I tell Adam. "Shit? How can he? He didn't even try?" I can hear Blake mumble under his breath.

"She is a servant girl there. They don't touch her because she spread a rumor about her being cursed, so nobody dares approach her." Blake tells me. "That part was my idea" Adam says proudly. "When can we see her?" I ask Adam eagerly. "I can take you there if you'd like." Adam tells me.

"She had to work there?" Adam struggles to continue, "?after our parents-" Blake interrupts Adam "-Don't remember. You have your sister and your friend now". Adam smiles and punches Blake in the shoulder. Blake loses his balance for a moment, though it didn't stop him from returning Adam the favor.

"Won't it be dangerous if you help me?" I ask both of the boys. "That's right Adam, it's too dangerous. Let's go home" Blake tells Adam, "Wait, I need your help!" I cry out. "Then don't think about us, think about your sister." Blake replies.

I follow the two boys and I keep quiet. There is no need for words. They know that the villagers won't look up, won't raise their arms against the lord. My sister is a casualty they can sustain; even her mother didn't flinch when they took her. She said it was her choice.
We walk towards the eastern gate of the castle. Adam suddenly stops us, "The entrance is here." He points at a small hut near the gate. "That hut is for the servant girls. We can find here there" Blake adds. We walk into the front of the hut and meet Adam's sister, a beautiful, blonde haired young maiden.

"Adam, who is your new friend?" the maiden asks Adam. "Sister, this is an emergency." Adam whispers. The maiden nods and enters the hut with her brother, Blake and myself following behind. "The visitor took her sister" Blake tells the maiden. "Miss, I beg of you, Adam told me you could help me find my sister." I try and stay as calm as possible.

"Call me Ruth." the maiden smiles at me, "I won't be able to take my brother and his friend with us". Ruth leads us to a small room filled with pieces of cloth and buckets. "Will you be safe?" Blake turns to Ruth, "we can come with you and ?" Blake is interrupted by Adam, "-we can't take more risks". Adam moves his hand over Blake's shoulder "They can remain untouched".
"Then we should hurry" Ruth tells us. She turns around and reaches for something inside a large wicker basket. "Wear this. You need to look like a servant" Ruth hands me a dress about my size, "You two should leave. You can't be seen here," Ruth orders the two boys to exit the room. "Keep safe" Blake mumbles under his breath as they leave the hut.

"Where is she?" I ask Ruth as we move through the hallway from the servants' quarters to the castle. "She should be with the visitor. I know where she might be." Ruth says. Ruth turns around and grabs my left arm "You should look at the ground and stay silent". I nod and we continue walking.

We continue moving through the castle, until Ruth suddenly stops and turns to me, "This should be the visitor's room" she says. Suddenly I hear a shout from across the hallway "My Beauty, you were hiding from me?". Ruth pushes me aside, "Hide, quickly". I run behind a few tall pots situated at the end of the hallway, near the entrance to the quarters, so that I will remain unseen.

I can hear footsteps, the sound of them is intensifying, and I think he is getting closer. "Are you ready for me?" the voice asks Ruth. She doesn't reply, "You don't need to make a sound" the man says. I can hear her struggle; I crawl to the edge of the pots and watch the scene unfold. The man pins Ruth to the wall, he moves his hands over her body. I'm not sure what I can do to help her.

The man stops, "Something's different. You never struggled before". He whispers something into Ruth's ear, something that took her breath away. I slowly crawl towards the edge of the pot, as far as possible without being seen. Ruth stopped struggling; the man continues to move his hands on her body. He's kissing her now. I can't watch this any longer. Adam said she is safe, that nobody touches her. I lean on one of the pots, but I manage to catch it before it falls on the floor. The man turns to me and smiles. I think I know why Ruth stopped struggling.
He slowly pushes her to the corner. She can't help me find my sister. Nobody can.

I hear even more footsteps from the other side of the hallway coming our way. "Jan, calm you prick. We need to patrol now, we need to look respectable" I can hear a man's voice coming from the direction of the footsteps. "Lemme finish this beauty, I'll be as respectable as the Lord." Jan says. "Its war negotiations and we need to look prepared. The Hawk's son is here and we shouldn't have any incidents. They need to fear us; do you want to die because you can't keep your prick in place?" I can hear the voice of another man. "Fine" Jan says, I try to peek through the pots and I see Jan walking away from Ruth. "We'll be back, my beauty. Remember to bring your little friend along" Jan says while he walks towards the group of men.
As they leave, Ruth falls to the ground, her back against the wall. When the men leave the hallway I run towards Ruth, "Are you well?" I ask her. She doesn't respond. "We need to find my sister" I tell her. Ruth doesn't flinch. "You said you'll help me!" I yell at Ruth. "You promised me, you said we will-" as I yell at her, Ruth interrupt me, "-I promised you nothing. But now we make a deal. I help you, and you don't tell Adam what happened here.".

Adam thinks Ruth is safe. He thinks that nobody touches her, that his idea of pretending to be cursed saves her from what I saw. "Fine" I tell Ruth. Ruth looks at me, "We need to hurry" she says as she stands up.

We slowly enter the room. The bed stands directly in front of us on the other side of the room. My sister tries to struggle. I can't watch. It takes a few seconds for the visitor to notice us standing there, but by that time Ruth held a dagger in its scabbard. I never saw her take something like that, all the way to the room she didn't take anything to defend herself.
He looks at us, bewildered. It takes him a few more moments to recognize me. Ruth draws the blade. She holds it in the direction of the bed and screams "Move away or you lose your little prick". Her knees shake under her dress, but her hand stands firm, pointing the knife at the visitor. "Little sister, won't you come and sit with us?" the visitor moves his hand over the bed and smiles at me. "Run" my sister whimpers.

The visitor moves away from the bed and turns to Ruth, "Shall we begin, peasant *****?" he provokes Ruth. "Forgive me Adam" Ruth mumbles under her breath. Ruth rushes towards the visitor, both her hands holding the knife in front of her stomach. As she rushes through, the visitor moves aside, grabs her head and smashes it on the wall. Ruth falls on the floor, her knife slips from her hands, blood gushing from her head. The man turns her on her back and sits on top of her chest, "You missed, *****!" he shouts at Ruth as he pounds his fists into her body and face.

I can hear Darla pray. She prays even now for guidance, for help, for a miracle from the goddess. No miracle will come. She didn't help me before, why would she help me now? What if she's nothing but old songs and traditions?

I can't answer these questions. But I know one thing for certain. I bend over and reach for the knife Ruth dropped. I can hear Ruth crying in pain as the visitor pounds his fist ever more vigorously. Bartholomew said you make your own fate. I walk towards the visitor with my knife in both of my hands, like Ruth held them before. I close my eyes and scream, as I run towards the visitor.

I hear nothing but a whimper, and then silence. My hands start feeling warmer. I open my eyes and I see myself standing behind the visitor who sitting on Ruth, that is now slowly bleeding to death.

Darla stopped completely. Ruth regained consciousness after a few minutes, long enough to see the bleeding motionless body of the Visitor next to her. "Run away" Ruth screams at me. And I comply. I run outside, I run away from the village. I run to the only kin I have left, in a village a couple of days on foot away. I can?t see anything, my vision is blurred, locked into one place to ensure that I won't fall or stop.

I don?t stop when I hear the guards call for me.

I don?t stop when I heard the alarm sounds off.

I don?t stop when the villagers try to stop me.

I don?t stop when the wildlife follow me to my demise.

I just run. I run and leave everything behind. I don't know what will happen to my mother and grandmother. I don't know what will happen to the village. I don't know what will happen to the two warring noble households.

I run.
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A Golden Tooth

The first man enters the courtyard. As I stand firmly in place, a dagger in my left hand, he stares at me. A few seconds pass, his friend enters the courtyard, the first man begins to laugh at the sight of a fifteen year old girl holding a knife. Surprise is a noteworthy advantage.

"Little girl, give us your stuff" the first man says out loud. I don't reply. "Girl, give us the money you have and let us kill you" the man repeats himself, his right hand moves towards a handle sticking out from behind his back. "Kurt, we don't need to hurt her." The other man says, "Little girl, just give us thirty Falcon and be off. We don't want to hurt you".

"She's our victim, Neil, no need to ask for her money" Kurt says while he moves towards me, his right hand hovers over the handle. "Little girl, I don't want to see you die, do what we tell you to do" Neil shouts at me. He feels uncomfortable with what Kurt is about to do. I can tell which one fought in a war and which one trained at home.

"I will have the golden tooth for compensation." I say as I point at Neil. "You *****, don't get so cocky" Kurt screams at me, charging at me as he draws a long claymore from the scabbard on his back.

When his two hands grip the handle, I'm already underneath him. Clean cut into the crotch, another one into the right Kidney. He is still swinging the claymore forward through the air. I grab his shirt and launch myself in between his two arms, placing my dagger vertically on the right side of his throat. He loses the grip on his claymore. It falls down on the snow. I remove my dagger and watch the seasoned veteran fall to the ground, as I land near his bleeding body.

"Give me your golden tooth or die." I yell at Neil, standing terrified on the other side of the courtyard. "I don't want to hurt you girl" Neil says as his right hand reaches for a short sword hanging on his waist. "Who will pay for your burial, Neil?" I ask the shaking man. He draws his short sword and stares at me. "You're a traveller, Neil. Do you prefer to be eaten by the birds, the wolves or the crows?" I ask him again.

I can hear grumbling underneath me. Kurt isn't dead yet. I kneel down and hold his head so that I could look him in his eyes, "Any last words?" I ask the bleeding man. "Fuck you" he manages to muster a reply. I slice the right side of his neck carefully and watch the blood spatter color the distant snow red.

"This is a kill. This is the work of a veteran" I wipe the blood on the back of Kurt's shirt. Neil looks at me, terrified; he takes a step towards me. This boy is insane.
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Of course I'm interested. But some thing's keep me busy, like preparing for the exam I just
finished.

The story is inspired in it's chilling aspect, but often my immersion is broken by awkward turns of phrase, mainly in dialogue, or concerning it. Recording all the slips here is pointless, but I can send you a PM with a list.

I cannot yet comment on the story as a whole, since I've yet to see it. Can I see the third part please?
 

TheIronRuler

New member
Mar 18, 2011
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ThreeWords said:
TheIronRuler said:
ThreeWords said:
TheIronRuler said:
The story ends with this passage:

We greet each other goodbye, and he tells me I should inform my mother of his arrival. I take a few steps away from Bartholomew and I look up at the sky. I am surprised to see the daylight fading away, and as I look at the square I can see people lighting candles for the event.
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To me, it seems incomplete. Is there some missing, or are you going for a relatively subtle message?

As for style, there's nothing immediately wrong with the delivery. Occasionally, you repeat a phrase in such a way that it feels odd, and there is the odd grating phrase; "bad for you abdomen" makes for an awkward threat, for example.

The other thing is that you use a limited narrator, but occasionally your descriptions seems to be omniscient, and don't fit the youthful aspect of the past-version narrator.

Finally, you put wrote "fourteen year old nice", which won't come up on you spell check.
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I should go over the spelling and composition another time, but it's a hassle.
Yes, it's only a portion of the story.
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Suspicion arises

I have had enough of this distraction. I look at the plaque for one last time, and then I sit down on the mattress. There really isn't anything interesting to do in this tight box besides sleeping. I close my eyes and try to think of pleasant things, it might help me relax, like it used to.

But it can't be helped. I can't see any pleasant things in my mind anymore. It all resorts to one image, stuck in my head, can't leave my mind no matter how hard I try.

A cold person, calling out to me, but he can't speak. "She's a crow" I can hear a female voice coming from a nearby room. This might become troublesome. "I'm certain of it" the voice continues. "How are you so sure?" a male voice replies with anxiety, he probably thinks I am eavesdropping their conversation.

"Her left sleeve is longer than her right. She must be left handed." The male voice proclaims loudly. I can hear a muffled thud coming from that direction "Don't shout. She might hear us" the female voice now begins to whisper. "I have had enough of this foolishness. She won't hurt us, and we can profit from this situation." The male voice says, now a much calmer, quiet voice.

"These men have nothing to do here and they pay by credit. We won't collect their debts, because we won't find a person with enough guts to deal with them." The male voice exclaims. "I know Dan very well, I know he won't ignore a debt and run" the female voice whispers. "They can deal with the girl and take her luggage. You saw she isn't from Falcon. She paid with a half silver guild coin." The male voice says. "That's like ten Falcon, right?" the female voice replies. "That coin is worth nineteen and two thirds of a Falcon, I checked at Charles' exchange after Dan left. We can split the profit and he can use the money to pay his debt and stay here for another two weeks" the male voice says.

That is bad news for me. They think I can be robbed and killed. "But what if she's an actual crow?" I can now hear that the females' tone changes. She is now frightened. "I heard they eat people?" she says with disgust. "Dan will take care of her. Just hurry and call for him." The male voice says.

There aren't any others in besides these two. He must be the proprietor I met earlier.

She fears the crows. I know why all must fear the crows.
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First reveal of the Crows

I quickly walk towards the square but in my way I stumble on something and fall on the ground. I quickly survey my body and I can see that there aren't any bruises. I stand up and scream at the boy on the ground "Get up! Look at what you did to me!"

I hear voices from all directions "A new corpse? A new corpse has arrived". I cringe, I look around me but I can't find any sign of life. I can't see any lights, and I now realize that I've walked into a dead end surrounded by houses. "Take the new corpse? shiny?. lets eat ? eat her" I can hear the voices in the background and I scream, but nothing comes out of my mouth. I can't move, I just scream for help, but again nothing is coming out of my mouth. "The crows feast on corpses? But this one is already rotten" I can hear two other voices. My heart starts pumping twice as fast and I begin to sweat as I barely manage to say "help". Suddenly the boy on the ground stands up and his hand reaches for me "He is not dead! It's a monster!" I scream. The boy smiles at me and then slaps me.

"Calm down, are you insane?" he grabs my hands. "Are you bloody mentally handicapped?" he says, I can hear giggles in the background. "Turn on the lights, it's not funny anymore" he says. "I just need to find a match." I can hear in the background an older male voice.
"Pussy." I can hear in the background, coming from a different boy.

"I recognize you" the boy tells me. "You're Jane, right?" he asks me. I scream and jump in my place as I feel two large hands on my shoulders. "You get scared easily" I can hear a boys' voice from behind me. "My name is Adam" he says.

A candle light is present, and it reveals five young boys standing around me, snickering. "What are you doing here?" I ask angrily. "Scaring people like you till the festival starts" the boy who was on the ground a few moments earlier says, "I'm Blake" he adds.

I begin shaking, "Can you get me a chair?" I ask Blake. He nods and then he turns around to fetch one. "Did she pee her dress? Did she?" I can hear a high pitched voice of a young boy, "No, I haven't." I shout at the young boy.

I sit down on a stool and try to restore the pace of my heart to its normal state. "While I recover" I am interrupted by the young boys' laughter. I stare at the laughing boy, "I want to tell you two things. Firstly, the festival is starting in a few minutes, secondly I want to know what you were doing" I tell the boys.

"Do you know of the crows?" Blake asks me, I can hear in the background Adam doing his best to imitate scary sounds, "They roam the countryside in search of corpses. They find them and they take everything ?" he pauses, and the entire group starts making a rather bad imitation of scary sounds, "And then they eat them!" he shouts along with his friends and I jump in my chair.

"That's stupid, there's no such thing as these crows!" I yell at them. I stand up, "Go out and do something useful for a change!" I yell at the group of boys. I leave the alley surrounded by houses with shaking knees towards the main event of the celebrations.
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A narrow escape

I open the narrow window and shiver for a moment; I can feel the cold night breeze slapping my face. I reach for my tool belt and strap them into my belt. I will need them if things won't go peacefully. The whispering suddenly stops. I put on my hood and brace myself for a tough landing from approximately three times my height.

As I squeeze myself through the window and crouch on the ledge, I pray that a crow may not feast upon my flesh. The moment I hear the door being forced open, I jump and manage to land safely. I look around the surroundings for an exit, but it appears I have entered an inner courtyard, surrounded by the Tavern and other houses.

One of the assailants, a heavy, bald, old man walks towards the window and spots me "Young girls shouldn't travel alone. They might get hurt, or robbed, or perhaps even kidnapped" the man says with a smile. I point at a gold molar wedged inside his mouth, visible as he laughs, "I will take that gold in your mouth for compensation" I shout at the man.

I need to make a reputation for myself in this land. I don't want to handle all sorts of scum on my way. I reach for my tools and lay them on the ground. I move my hand over the handle of my serrated knife. As I wait for the man to chase after me and then try to subdue me, I return the tools to my belt and pull the dagger from its leather scabbard.

"I should have sharpened it the last time I went to a blacksmith." I say as I prepare myself for the upcoming engagement.

Engagement is a funny word. It is used to describe many things. An agreement between two men or even two nations, talks of peace ? and also a fight between two men. It is also used to describe a pre-marriage agreement between two lovers, or sometimes two strangers.

Among those things, the word 'untrustworthy' come to mind. I wonder why.
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Engagement broken

I approach the square and from there I can see all of the lit candles scattered around town, all of the stalls at the square vanished but "Wonders of the Goddess" still remains firmly in its place, and so do its patrons. A small stage is set in the middle of the square, in which a few musical instruments and stools lie. I manage to find Darla by searching for her dress, and as I approach her she waves me.

"Where are the musicians?" I ask Darla. "Apparently they are drunk in some roadside pub" she snickers, but I can see through her charade "They'll enter the stage in a few minutes, won't they?" I ask Darla with a tired tone.

"Yes. You caught me!" she raises her hands and smiles. "That's not very funny" I tell her "You don't have to be mean-" Darla says but I interrupt her "But I want to be mean. There's a difference" I say and I giggle shortly afterwards.

She places her hand over my shoulder "Sister, could we stop doing this for one night? I am too anxious." Darla says. "Are you waiting for your suitor?" I ask Darla with a condescending tone. She pushes me away, and then she eagerly stares at the crowd on the other side, composed entirely out of men. I suddenly realize that the entire village is split between the two sides of the square, one for the women and the other for the men.

"I hope the music will be here soon?. I can't wait for him to ask me?. I am so exited" these are the things I hear while I try to find my grandmother and mother in the crowd.

I see a strong bright light above me. It is coming from the castle, they've lit all of their candles indoors, and I can see people walking past the windows quite clearly.

I can hear shouts, and moans of horses "Make way for the Son of the Earl of Trenium, master of 'her lady' knights and land lord of Trenium" I can hear a voice of a man declare these words, but they mean less than nothing to me. I can see on the other side of the village, near the trunk me and Bartholomew sat on, a light in the darkness, coming from the forest. I can hear the moans of the horses even more loudly, and now I can also hear the screeching of the wagon wheels. "They must've been driving constantly if it sounds like the horses are about to pass out." Someone from the crowd says.

The wagon begins its travel through the village and to the castle. A few servants run ahead of it and warn us to make way for the wagon. I feel a hand pulling me from behind and a breath on my neck "Hello darling." My mother whispers in my ear. "Stay close to me" she says. "Where is grandma?" I ask mother. She signals me to be quiet. The two group split in half and make way for the wagon, as the patrons of "Wonders of the Goddess" scramble to move the stand. I point at Bartholomew as he is helping the men, "Mother, it's your Uncle. Bartholomew is here" I tell my mother. She nods and signals me again to be quiet.

The wagon enters the village, you can see the envoys riding ahead to spread the news to the castle. The wagon slowly comes to a halt and stops at the village square, waiting to meet the lord of the castle outside. "Mother, why aren't they entering the castle?" I asked my mother, "Don't talk" she says as she stares at the wagon.

The lord of the castle exits the gate with a posy of three men all on horseback, all three wearing full plate armor with their weapons but our lord rides with no armor. "Good evening to you son of the Earl of Trenium, master of 'her lady' knights and land ?" our lord says but is abruptly interrupted "May we skip the pleasantries?" can be heard from the wagon. The visitor exits the wagon and walks towards our Lord "I am here to discuss the future of our two families." The visitor smiles and looks around the village.

"It seems you have a lively village with many peasants" he begins to search the side of the women for something, where I am standing with my mother. "Then we should carry forth the negotiations swiftly before any more blood is shed" our lord says. "Relax Edward. I know you, we used to have fun when we ?" the other man says, but our lord interrupts him "I suggest you come into my house and we continue to dwell on the matter without any peasants listening" our Lord tells the other man.

"You are right. But before we continue I would like to ask for a gift" the other man says with a smile. "I assure you that all you desire can be found in my ?" our Lord says but is interrupted by the man, pointing at me "There; that one. Give me that one for the night; the one with the red hair and the green eyes. She is young, but not too young. Perfect for ?" the visitor says. My mother strengthens her grip over me and moves a few paces back, trying to disappear in the crowd. Our lord interrupts the visitor "Today is a celebration; we should not disturb my village. Furthermore, don't you think she is a tad too young for your intentions?" our lord suggests the visitor. My mother sighs and whispers in my ear "You see our lord? He will protect us, no matter-" mother says, but she is suddenly interrupted as a man pulls her away from me, and another grabs me by the hip, "Edward, if you will allow me this I will relinquish our demands for the clearing. Father allowed me some freedom in the negotiations" the visitor says. The man that came with the visitor drags me from the crowd and places me in front of the visitor "Tell me, girl, what is your name?" the visitor asks me. I dare not answer, I dare not look up, I only pray that he would grow tired and forget about me. "Girl, answer me!" the visitor yells at me, I feel a hand on my head; it grabs me and makes me look at the visitor.

"Listen to me my Goddess, mother of all, and creator of all men. Guide me in your path and protect you faithful servant through the night to come, May you protect ?" I say to myself, waiting for a miracle to occur but a miracle does not show itself. The visitor interrupts me "That is swell. We can hear you pray in my quarters, and then in my servants' quarters. Pray as you wish, she will not listen. But I will listen to you, I will listen to you all night-" he begins to laugh, looking at his men with their hands on their hilts. As he tries to continue he is interrupted; "Enough!" I can hear a shout from the crowd. "This is disgraceful? this is immoral? this is evil!" other shouts are heard in the crowd, as the men slowly walk towards the wagon. The men that came with the visitor draw their swords, "Restrain your peasants" the visitor tells our lord. Our Lord orders his men to draw their swords.

"No need to take my sister. She is too frail, and I am pure" I can hear from the crowd. The visitor looks at me "Who is this sister? Show yourself" he raises his voice so that the men can hear him too. From the crowd exits Darla, "I am her sister. No need to harm her" Darla says. "Darla, No!" I can hear my mother shout in the background. "Darla? Not a fine physique, but it'll do. Edward, I will be having a guest." The visitor tells our lord. As Darla walks by I manage to glimpse at her face ? she smiles at me. "Everything is going to be alright" I can hear my mother walking closer to me; she is now moving her hand through my hair "Everything will be-" she can't finish her sentence, she begins to sob and then she holds me tighter.

A few minutes pass. The musicians are now arriving and everyone is ready for the festival. "What about Darla?" I ask mother, "She made her choice. There's nothing we can do now" mother says with a tired tone.

They dare not oppose the lords, the cowards.

They dare not look up, the cowards.

They dare not speak up, the cowards.

They dare not raise their arms, the cowards.

They stay in their place, the peasants.

I understand what must be done. But I do not understand what is needed for the feat to be accomplished. I need to go after my sister and save her. She smiled at me, she wants me to go and save her, she helped me as my sister and now I must help her as her sister. I must find a way into the castle and save her. Perhaps her suitor could be of assistance.

"Mother, which one of the men was intended for Darla?" I ask mother while she is selling bouquets to young suitors for a ball a piece. She doesn?t answer till I grab her waist, "Which one?" I ask her again. She reaches for a bucket with the bouquets in it, a young man approaches her. "Hello Charles. Will you see Darla tomorrow as planned?" Charles seems to be nervous, he reaches for his pocket and hands my mother a flax bag, "The dowry, with some silver in it." He barely manages to say these words. "Father told me-" he says, but is interrupted by mother "Goodbye." She says as she grabs the flax sack, sits down on a stool behind her and begins to count the coins.

I walk up to Charles. "Can you help Darla?" I ask him. He ignores me and continues to walk away, "She loves you, how can you do that to her?" I scream at him. He walks towards me and gets down on his knees to look me in my eyes; he moves his hands over my shoulders and says "There is no saving for her. Trying to do that is suicidal".

I slap him. I've never used violence before. "Consider me dead." I shout at him. I run out of the square. I need to find a place to cry and pray. No, not pray ? she wouldn't save me then ? why would she save me now? She isn't here; if she was here she wouldn't have let the visitor take my sister. If she can't help me, then I can't help my sister, I can't rescue her from him.
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An offensive stance

The cold wind sends a chill down my spine. It's a cold damn night in a backwater village on my way to Danius. I should never have stopped here, I paid for five nights and got three, but in the end I never got to rest and now I'm getting robbed for coin. In a moment I will turn it all around. I love gossip; it usually keeps the scum away. Like the bunch I'm about to face.

I kneel on the snow and lay my tool belt on the ground. I proceed to open it and look at the various tools of the trade I had gathered throughout my work. I reach for a long, narrow knife placed inside a thick piece of leather. I move my hands over the rest of the tools, I can see the stains of dry blood some of them have since all of them participated in scavenging the dead. Even though they are dead, there is still some blood left.

I get myself ready. I see in my mind the way my feet should move, how I should stand and where my hands should be. This is an offensive stance. There is no need to defend myself; there is no place for me to run to. I grip my dagger and mimic a few stabs I will perform when the men pursuing me arrive.

The groin, the Liver, the kidney, the armpit, the neck, these are all valid targets.

One should always end the fight with as few stabs as possible; to limit the amount of time you are in combat.

One should always confirm the kill; slice the main artery stretching through the neck.

One should always protect himself, even if it requires actions with no honor.

That is what the guide says. But I have no desire for honor. The damn guide proved to be worthless while my excursions into the world of cold corpses proved to be very informative. I have never heard a man call a murder art, but it seems to be the only thing I can admire and learn from while I examine the cold corpses the abandoned battlefields have to offer.

I can hear footsteps coming from the courtyard entrance. Now it's time to get his golden tooth.
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An independent mind

Bartholomew said that each makes his own fate. Maybe I don't need a goddess. Maybe I don't need any help. I'm a little girl, why would anyone suspect me ? I won't be able to hurt anyone, I'm so small and insignificant.

I stop in my tracks "That's it" I say out loud. "I'll get into the castle and find her". "They won't let you in" I can hear a voice from the shadows. "If you try to enter, they will take you and ?", I suddenly hear a bad imitation of scary sounds. I recognize that voice. "Blake, can you help me?" I ask the voice. "Shit. I can't scare people. I'm only good as bait, a corpse to see" he mumbles as he leaves the dark alleyway on my right, "Adam, get out". I can also see Adam walk behind him.

"Are we alone?" I ask the two boys. "Yes." Adam says. I've never had the chance to see them clearly in the light. Blake is roughly my age, a bit shorter with brown hair. Adam looks much older than him, and he is also much taller. "How old are you?" I ask Adam.

Adam moves his right hand behind his head and brushes his hair, "I'm thirteen" he says. "The lucky boy here is a head taller and two years younger than me" Blake tells me. I giggle, "You're fifteen and you look like a child, you're so ?", Blake stops me "We don't have to help you." He tells me with a distant and cold tone.

I walk towards Blake and grab his right hand as he begins to walk away, "Please." I tell him. He turns around, "Can you help me get into the castle?" I ask him. "I can ask my sister" I hear a voice behind me, then suddenly a hand grabs me from behind and I quickly turn around to find Adam standing there. "You scared me, Adam." I tell Adam. "Shit? How can he? He didn't even try?" I can hear Blake mumble under his breath.

"She is a servant girl there. They don't touch her because she spread a rumor about her being cursed, so nobody dares approach her." Blake tells me. "That part was my idea" Adam says proudly. "When can we see her?" I ask Adam eagerly. "I can take you there if you'd like." Adam tells me.

"She had to work there?" Adam struggles to continue, "?after our parents-" Blake interrupts Adam "-Don't remember. You have your sister and your friend now". Adam smiles and punches Blake in the shoulder. Blake loses his balance for a moment, though it didn't stop him from returning Adam the favor.

"Won't it be dangerous if you help me?" I ask both of the boys. "That's right Adam, it's too dangerous. Let's go home" Blake tells Adam, "Wait, I need your help!" I cry out. "Then don't think about us, think about your sister." Blake replies.

I follow the two boys and I keep quiet. There is no need for words. They know that the villagers won't look up, won't raise their arms against the lord. My sister is a casualty they can sustain; even her mother didn't flinch when they took her. She said it was her choice.
We walk towards the eastern gate of the castle. Adam suddenly stops us, "The entrance is here." He points at a small hut near the gate. "That hut is for the servant girls. We can find here there" Blake adds. We walk into the front of the hut and meet Adam's sister, a beautiful, blonde haired young maiden.

"Adam, who is your new friend?" the maiden asks Adam. "Sister, this is an emergency." Adam whispers. The maiden nods and enters the hut with her brother, Blake and myself following behind. "The visitor took her sister" Blake tells the maiden. "Miss, I beg of you, Adam told me you could help me find my sister." I try and stay as calm as possible.

"Call me Ruth." the maiden smiles at me, "I won't be able to take my brother and his friend with us". Ruth leads us to a small room filled with pieces of cloth and buckets. "Will you be safe?" Blake turns to Ruth, "we can come with you and ?" Blake is interrupted by Adam, "-we can't take more risks". Adam moves his hand over Blake's shoulder "They can remain untouched".
"Then we should hurry" Ruth tells us. She turns around and reaches for something inside a large wicker basket. "Wear this. You need to look like a servant" Ruth hands me a dress about my size, "You two should leave. You can't be seen here," Ruth orders the two boys to exit the room. "Keep safe" Blake mumbles under his breath as they leave the hut.

"Where is she?" I ask Ruth as we move through the hallway from the servants' quarters to the castle. "She should be with the visitor. I know where she might be." Ruth says. Ruth turns around and grabs my left arm "You should look at the ground and stay silent". I nod and we continue walking.

We continue moving through the castle, until Ruth suddenly stops and turns to me, "This should be the visitor's room" she says. Suddenly I hear a shout from across the hallway "My Beauty, you were hiding from me?". Ruth pushes me aside, "Hide, quickly". I run behind a few tall pots situated at the end of the hallway, near the entrance to the quarters, so that I will remain unseen.

I can hear footsteps, the sound of them is intensifying, and I think he is getting closer. "Are you ready for me?" the voice asks Ruth. She doesn't reply, "You don't need to make a sound" the man says. I can hear her struggle; I crawl to the edge of the pots and watch the scene unfold. The man pins Ruth to the wall, he moves his hands over her body. I'm not sure what I can do to help her.

The man stops, "Something's different. You never struggled before". He whispers something into Ruth's ear, something that took her breath away. I slowly crawl towards the edge of the pot, as far as possible without being seen. Ruth stopped struggling; the man continues to move his hands on her body. He's kissing her now. I can't watch this any longer. Adam said she is safe, that nobody touches her. I lean on one of the pots, but I manage to catch it before it falls on the floor. The man turns to me and smiles. I think I know why Ruth stopped struggling.
He slowly pushes her to the corner. She can't help me find my sister. Nobody can.

I hear even more footsteps from the other side of the hallway coming our way. "Jan, calm you prick. We need to patrol now, we need to look respectable" I can hear a man's voice coming from the direction of the footsteps. "Lemme finish this beauty, I'll be as respectable as the Lord." Jan says. "Its war negotiations and we need to look prepared. The Hawk's son is here and we shouldn't have any incidents. They need to fear us; do you want to die because you can't keep your prick in place?" I can hear the voice of another man. "Fine" Jan says, I try to peek through the pots and I see Jan walking away from Ruth. "We'll be back, my beauty. Remember to bring your little friend along" Jan says while he walks towards the group of men.
As they leave, Ruth falls to the ground, her back against the wall. When the men leave the hallway I run towards Ruth, "Are you well?" I ask her. She doesn't respond. "We need to find my sister" I tell her. Ruth doesn't flinch. "You said you'll help me!" I yell at Ruth. "You promised me, you said we will-" as I yell at her, Ruth interrupt me, "-I promised you nothing. But now we make a deal. I help you, and you don't tell Adam what happened here.".

Adam thinks Ruth is safe. He thinks that nobody touches her, that his idea of pretending to be cursed saves her from what I saw. "Fine" I tell Ruth. Ruth looks at me, "We need to hurry" she says as she stands up.

We slowly enter the room. The bed stands directly in front of us on the other side of the room. My sister tries to struggle. I can't watch. It takes a few seconds for the visitor to notice us standing there, but by that time Ruth held a dagger in its scabbard. I never saw her take something like that, all the way to the room she didn't take anything to defend herself.
He looks at us, bewildered. It takes him a few more moments to recognize me. Ruth draws the blade. She holds it in the direction of the bed and screams "Move away or you lose your little prick". Her knees shake under her dress, but her hand stands firm, pointing the knife at the visitor. "Little sister, won't you come and sit with us?" the visitor moves his hand over the bed and smiles at me. "Run" my sister whimpers.

The visitor moves away from the bed and turns to Ruth, "Shall we begin, peasant *****?" he provokes Ruth. "Forgive me Adam" Ruth mumbles under her breath. Ruth rushes towards the visitor, both her hands holding the knife in front of her stomach. As she rushes through, the visitor moves aside, grabs her head and smashes it on the wall. Ruth falls on the floor, her knife slips from her hands, blood gushing from her head. The man turns her on her back and sits on top of her chest, "You missed, *****!" he shouts at Ruth as he pounds his fists into her body and face.

I can hear Darla pray. She prays even now for guidance, for help, for a miracle from the goddess. No miracle will come. She didn't help me before, why would she help me now? What if she's nothing but old songs and traditions?

I can't answer these questions. But I know one thing for certain. I bend over and reach for the knife Ruth dropped. I can hear Ruth crying in pain as the visitor pounds his fist ever more vigorously. Bartholomew said you make your own fate. I walk towards the visitor with my knife in both of my hands, like Ruth held them before. I close my eyes and scream, as I run towards the visitor.

I hear nothing but a whimper, and then silence. My hands start feeling warmer. I open my eyes and I see myself standing behind the visitor who sitting on Ruth, that is now slowly bleeding to death.

Darla stopped completely. Ruth regained consciousness after a few minutes, long enough to see the bleeding motionless body of the Visitor next to her. "Run away" Ruth screams at me. And I comply. I run outside, I run away from the village. I run to the only kin I have left, in a village a couple of days on foot away. I can?t see anything, my vision is blurred, locked into one place to ensure that I won't fall or stop.

I don?t stop when I hear the guards call for me.

I don?t stop when I heard the alarm sounds off.

I don?t stop when the villagers try to stop me.

I don?t stop when the wildlife follow me to my demise.

I just run. I run and leave everything behind. I don't know what will happen to my mother and grandmother. I don't know what will happen to the village. I don't know what will happen to the two warring noble households.

I run.
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A Golden Tooth

The first man enters the courtyard. As I stand firmly in place, a dagger in my left hand, he stares at me. A few seconds pass, his friend enters the courtyard, the first man begins to laugh at the sight of a fifteen year old girl holding a knife. Surprise is a noteworthy advantage.

"Little girl, give us your stuff" the first man says out loud. I don't reply. "Girl, give us the money you have and let us kill you" the man repeats himself, his right hand moves towards a handle sticking out from behind his back. "Kurt, we don't need to hurt her." The other man says, "Little girl, just give us thirty Falcon and be off. We don't want to hurt you".

"She's our victim, Neil, no need to ask for her money" Kurt says while he moves towards me, his right hand hovers over the handle. "Little girl, I don't want to see you die, do what we tell you to do" Neil shouts at me. He feels uncomfortable with what Kurt is about to do. I can tell which one fought in a war and which one trained at home.

"I will have the golden tooth for compensation." I say as I point at Neil. "You *****, don't get so cocky" Kurt screams at me, charging at me as he draws a long claymore from the scabbard on his back.

When his two hands grip the handle, I'm already underneath him. Clean cut into the crotch, another one into the right Kidney. He is still swinging the claymore forward through the air. I grab his shirt and launch myself in between his two arms, placing my dagger vertically on the right side of his throat. He loses the grip on his claymore. It falls down on the snow. I remove my dagger and watch the seasoned veteran fall to the ground, as I land near his bleeding body.

"Give me your golden tooth or die." I yell at Neil, standing terrified on the other side of the courtyard. "I don't want to hurt you girl" Neil says as his right hand reaches for a short sword hanging on his waist. "Who will pay for your burial, Neil?" I ask the shaking man. He draws his short sword and stares at me. "You're a traveller, Neil. Do you prefer to be eaten by the birds, the wolves or the crows?" I ask him again.

I can hear grumbling underneath me. Kurt isn't dead yet. I kneel down and hold his head so that I could look him in his eyes, "Any last words?" I ask the bleeding man. "Fuck you" he manages to muster a reply. I slice the right side of his neck carefully and watch the blood spatter color the distant snow red.

"This is a kill. This is the work of a veteran" I wipe the blood on the back of Kurt's shirt. Neil looks at me, terrified; he takes a step towards me. This boy is insane.
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Of course I'm interested. But some thing's keep me busy, like preparing for the exam I just
finished.

The story is inspired in it's chilling aspect, but often my immersion is broken by awkward turns of phrase, mainly in dialogue, or concerning it. Recording all the slips here is pointless, but I can send you a PM with a list.

I cannot yet comment on the story as a whole, since I've yet to see it. Can I see the third part please?
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You may. Please send me the PM when you have the time to write it.
Thank you for your support!
(I need to finish three more mini chapters so there will be part 4 too.)
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Overkill

Everything turns black. I can't hear a thing; my lungs are filled with smoke. I try to move one of my arms but my body doesn't respond at all, it just gave up. I think I gave up on existing. I slowly drown myself in the smoke weighing down on my body.

Time passes by, I don't count. I hear shouts coming from afar, my body still doesn't respond. Some more times passes, and I feel warmth enveloping me. This is the end; this must be the fire coming to consume me.

I'm still not dead. I can understand these shouts now, but they aren't shouts anymore. "Are you awake?" I can hear a whispering voice in my ear. I can't feel the smoke anymore and the warmth is soothing, not fatal. I try and move my left hand.

"Don't strain your body" the voice says, a hand holding my left hand. I open my eyes, and I find myself in a small empty room. "You have such beautiful eyes" the voice tells me. I spot a figure sitting on my left, I blink a few times to see it more clearly. "My name is Dan" the boy looks at me with a smile on his face, "I'm so happy you're fine. We found you in the ruins of a village, the fire almost engulfed you completely" the boy strokes my hand.

"Rothenheim" I mumble. This is where my uncle should be. The boy looks away from my eyes, "The village is gone. We found you there" the boy says while he holds my hand tightly.

There's nothing left for me. Darla is gone, and so are mother and grandmother. I killed a nobleman. "If you have any trouble, shout for me" Dan gets up and leaves the room. It hurts.

Some time passes by. I can't tell between a day and an hour. I see Dan every once in a while, entering with a smile and a bowl filled with thick broth. I don't know how I am going to repay him. Some more time passes by.

I can see Dan at the entrance of the room. He stands in the doorway, "Leave her alone" he screams at someone trying to enter the room. "Dan, what is she to you?" I can hear a calm voice of a woman. "A friend" He hesitates, "A prospect, perhaps?" I can hear a masculine voice of a man. "Let us look at her" the woman's voice begs Dan, "So that you could brand her, right?" Dan turns back and looks at me. He notices I can hear their conversation and he quickly closes the door behind him.

The voices are muffled, but I can still make out what they are saying. "She is a burden to you, Dan. Either let her go, or let her join us" the male voice tries to calm Dan down. "I can't let her choose this path." Dan pauses for a moment, "SHE needs to choose her path." Dan continues. "You can let her work in the city, there's nothing wrong with that. She doesn't have to stay with us; you know what will happen if they find out we're harboring a-" the female voice is interrupted by Dan, "No. She either stays with us, or she goes to the city. I won't let her go to the city by herself".

I don't understand what is going on. Some argument about me is raging behind that door. The door opens revealing Dan with two other companions. "You need to choose" Dan says. "You've healed." Dan says. I try to get up and find that I no longer feel pain, "We need to establish your place" he adds.

A woman besides him throws two pieces of cloth at me, "We found you with this" she says. As the three leave, Dan tells me to go outside as soon as I'm done.

A concern haunts me. Should I leave through the front door?
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Reparations

Neil takes another step towards me. "I will make you pay for what you did" He says as he pulls the blade from its scabbard. "I did nothing. I protected myself against you bastards" I say. "You're a crow." Neil says, "You can't stay here. You are going to pay for this murder". "What I am about to do to you will justify what you have done today." I say.

I turn back and reach for my tool belt placed on the snow. I reach for a pair of forceps and turn around to see Neil take a few more steps closer to me. "This contraption lets me remove teeth. I will allow you to live if you give me your golden tooth as reparations." I say as I point the forceps in my right hand towards Neil. Neil stands in his place, shocked at the request. I throw the forceps at his feet and wait for his reaction.

"Don't disrespect me, little ***** crow" Neil says as he charges towards me. As he runs through the snow I pick the claymore Kurt left on the ground and toss towards his legs. I blink; Neil starts screaming as he trips over his injured left leg, a deep cut on his thigh begins to paint the rest of the snow red. I point at the forceps lying behind Neil. "Don't make me wait" I say.

The injured man whimpers for a few moments. He then regains his logic and proceeds to crawl towards the forceps. I sit down on the snow and watch the spectacle. "You called me a ***** earlier. So did your friend. But who is crawling on four now?" I ask Neil. He doesn't answer me.

The pain must be excruciating since his screams are waking people who live around the courtyard. He screams, he weeps, he stops for a moment to gain some more will to continue. This repeats itself numerous times, long enough for a nearby window to open and a local head to pop out and check what is all the commotion about.

I leave the courtyard satisfied with the golden tooth; along with the stones Kurt hide on his body and his Crown Coin, a proof of his fighting in the Northern war that ended a few months ago. I wonder how long it would have lasted if I hadn't killed the visitor.
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I know the general outline and the ending but I'm swamped at the moment with work.
Basically, like all good things, it ends in the brother and the flashbacks explain some more things.