Hej!
It's not your typical review. It's not about good, bad and ugly. It's not about... Aw hell. It's about personal, subjective first impressions. And fun if applicable.
Picture this : rather old gamer finally amass enough money to buy a little better than shitty equipment and plays video games he gathered for years. Some titles are new, some older. Light, action, let's roll !
Oh, one or two things more... Minor spoilers and plenty of broken english ahead.
Fallout 3.
MAN, THIS IS AMAZING, IT'S LIKE A DREAM COME TRUE ! Successor is here, time to bury old versions. Fallout 3 i love you, i'll play you to the end of times. Omg, Ultima Prime is awesome, damn, people from NMA can eat sh*t, go team Shishkebab, VATS is amazing, so are DLCs... Wtf ? End already ? Oh. Ummm... Well... That was unexpected. Ummmm...
Fallout 3 : NV.
It's shit. I don't feel compelled to follow main storyline. Not a bit. Reaching New Vegas takes too much time and can't be done without levelling a little. Unfortunately, interior is shitty.
Transformers : War for Cybertron
Wonderful ! It's exactly how i envisioned Cybertron while watching "Transformers" cartoon on Sky One channel. Interesting : i vaguely remeber Brawl and now he seems to be one tough motherf... um, tough guy. Too bad there's no Astrotrain. Ah, good days, good memories. Fine game, too short.
Portal 2
O F*CK ! Everything is falling apart ! Oh, there's portal gun. Now we're back in business.
The game ? Let's just say it's Portal 1 + much better story. I liked Portal 1, i like Portal 2.
Just Cause 2
Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Jumping with that hook of yours mr. Whoever you are was fun until "Hotel" episode. From then it's simply ridiculous travesty of physics.
Dead Space
In space no one can hear you scream. Especialy when you realise that your true enemies aren't hordes of Necromorphs or manipulative corporate bitches but unreliable controls and Isaac suddenly forgeting that running indeed saves lives. On the other hand, very climatic, very innovative game. I almost shat myself a few times.
Dead Space 2
Naaaaaaaaaaaah. Maybe it's because i don't understand why i need to revisit some areas. Maybe because DS2 recycles Dead Space's tricks and adds nothing really new, but i think it's boring. "Press E to kill this little shit that rapes your face while all other are patiently waiting their turn". "Running... so hard... must drink Red Bull..." Also : Isaac was way much better as silent protagonist. No, really.
Mass Effect
Cmdr. Sheppard. Yoooo tryin' too hard with yooooo soldatesque. Believe me man, some false tits seem more natural than your character. Also, what's the purpose of various upgrades and micromanagement in this game ? I don't see any effect. Btw : this blue chick is fat and ugly. Sheeesh...
Deus Ex : Human Revolution
A little bit of Deus Ex, a little bit of Invisible War, altogether pretty decent game. Too bad it's so short and that there's no real impact on the world. Really, no matter what Adam Dent... i mean Jensen survives or does changes shit. It's like two different realities - Adam's missions and the one he lives in.
I like this game very much, but don't expect to replay it ever again. No hope for changing anything equals no need to play it again. Too bad.
Trackmania 2
Only one question : where am i supposed to go ? Official maps are mostly stupid and too tricky for my taste. Fan made : no better.
Amnesia : The Dark Descent
NO. "No" to protagonist trying to emulate xxx actors. Shadow ? "Uhmmhmhmhmhhmmmmmmm". Something moves ? "Ooohohohohohoooooooooooooooo". NO ! I feel like controlling naked guy running around with his dick in hand and that's not what i'd call "fun". NO ! Die, begone !
Beyond Good and Evil
Despite its childish graphics, it's a very good game. Who would think that "paparazzi" minigame could be that fun ? Good story. A little generic, but really good story.
Test Drive Unlimited 2
Racing game is about racing not walking around. What is it supposed to be ? SIMS on wheels ? Get the f*k out of here !
Trine
Very good. You wouldn't like to hear how we swear and curse while playing it, but no matter, it's terrific despite some more difficult obstacles. Why aren't there more co-op games like this ? There's also one serious problem : broken controls. Year 2011 and developers have problems with mapping gamepad ? WTF ???
Dead Island
Environment not interactive enough. I understand that not every objcet is supposed to be moveable, stackable, and so on, but... No, screw it. It's 2011. Game should be at least a little similar to its trailer.
The Last Remnant
Let's see... Intel 2600k + 16 Gb ram/1600Mhz + fast hard disc + nVidia 560 Ti Hawk. Not cutting edge equipment, but not that bad either. Deus Ex:HR runs very fast on max details. "TLR" too, but every fan screams begging of mercy, temperature rises faster than. :|
And the game ? Pretty, stupid, boring, linear, generic. Sometimes it takes few minutes of boring, unskippable chit-chats until game lets you to do something. "Game" my ass !
Dirt3
Surprisingly good - so says my wife. Unfortunately - there's some kind of problem with GFWL offline account. Let's google... Oh. I'm not alone. Damn, it's pretty common problem. Meh. I understand a few misplaced textures, glitches or such, but inability to save games ?
Honestly, guys, how can you demand to be taken seriously if your products are so indecently flawed ?
Drakensang 1
Isn't Drakensang some kind of spiritual successor to Realms of Arkania DOS games ? No matter, let's play.
Why... It's very pretty. Damn, i like it ! Once more "damn" : camera is acting like bunch of monkeys swimming in a lake full of LSD. Oh well.
Drakensang 2
Ditto.
Rage
Doesn't work. F*ck you Bethesda, f*ck you ID software, f*ck you testers, f... Waaaaita minute. Oh yes, now i understand the title. Ahahahaa, good one ! You really got me there. But seriously : f*ck you.
Risen
Yawn. What ? Ummm. Is back of protagonist covered with glue ? How it's possible for him to carry wooden branch like that ?
Witcher 1
...oh wow.
Instead of impressions :
I am not sure when to use "its" and when "it's". I mix British English with American, Engrish and god knows what other mutations. Times other than -simple seem more mysterious than Taman Shud Case. But i play english version of Witcher even though it's originally in my own language. Like a boss !
STALKER series
Each and every part of this game is good, however they all share same problem : unfulfilled potential. Like i said : good games, but in comparision to original visions of Strugaccy brothers it's somewhat childish toy. Emissions are f*king amazing though. I really felt like chased by hell or something.
Necrovision
When the f*ck i'll be able to play ? F*cking unskippable trainings... Aw, screw it. Uninstall, proceed to next game.
Red Alert : Uprising
gReetingz my old fRiend. Damn, this is how dwarves should really speak !
Game ? Simply awesome, and i don't like RTSes at all.
Gothic 4
Uhhhhhh... That awful whispering voice... "It's not too late"... I know, this is obviously scripted event. Hmmm, nice one sir king. Not only running like a youngster but also rolling in that shiny armor of yours ? They see me rollin' they hatin... Yea, i hate this game a little.
Cryostasis
F*ck me... It's wonderful. Cow's execution is more convincing than every pro-vegetarian argument i've heard ever. Whoa...
Civilization 5
I don't like strategy games, but this is awesome. Let me have just one more turn...
It's not your typical review. It's not about good, bad and ugly. It's not about... Aw hell. It's about personal, subjective first impressions. And fun if applicable.
Picture this : rather old gamer finally amass enough money to buy a little better than shitty equipment and plays video games he gathered for years. Some titles are new, some older. Light, action, let's roll !
Oh, one or two things more... Minor spoilers and plenty of broken english ahead.
Fallout 3.
MAN, THIS IS AMAZING, IT'S LIKE A DREAM COME TRUE ! Successor is here, time to bury old versions. Fallout 3 i love you, i'll play you to the end of times. Omg, Ultima Prime is awesome, damn, people from NMA can eat sh*t, go team Shishkebab, VATS is amazing, so are DLCs... Wtf ? End already ? Oh. Ummm... Well... That was unexpected. Ummmm...
Fallout 3 : NV.
It's shit. I don't feel compelled to follow main storyline. Not a bit. Reaching New Vegas takes too much time and can't be done without levelling a little. Unfortunately, interior is shitty.
Transformers : War for Cybertron
Wonderful ! It's exactly how i envisioned Cybertron while watching "Transformers" cartoon on Sky One channel. Interesting : i vaguely remeber Brawl and now he seems to be one tough motherf... um, tough guy. Too bad there's no Astrotrain. Ah, good days, good memories. Fine game, too short.
Portal 2
O F*CK ! Everything is falling apart ! Oh, there's portal gun. Now we're back in business.
The game ? Let's just say it's Portal 1 + much better story. I liked Portal 1, i like Portal 2.
Just Cause 2
Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Jumping with that hook of yours mr. Whoever you are was fun until "Hotel" episode. From then it's simply ridiculous travesty of physics.
Dead Space
In space no one can hear you scream. Especialy when you realise that your true enemies aren't hordes of Necromorphs or manipulative corporate bitches but unreliable controls and Isaac suddenly forgeting that running indeed saves lives. On the other hand, very climatic, very innovative game. I almost shat myself a few times.
Dead Space 2
Naaaaaaaaaaaah. Maybe it's because i don't understand why i need to revisit some areas. Maybe because DS2 recycles Dead Space's tricks and adds nothing really new, but i think it's boring. "Press E to kill this little shit that rapes your face while all other are patiently waiting their turn". "Running... so hard... must drink Red Bull..." Also : Isaac was way much better as silent protagonist. No, really.
Mass Effect
Cmdr. Sheppard. Yoooo tryin' too hard with yooooo soldatesque. Believe me man, some false tits seem more natural than your character. Also, what's the purpose of various upgrades and micromanagement in this game ? I don't see any effect. Btw : this blue chick is fat and ugly. Sheeesh...
Deus Ex : Human Revolution
A little bit of Deus Ex, a little bit of Invisible War, altogether pretty decent game. Too bad it's so short and that there's no real impact on the world. Really, no matter what Adam Dent... i mean Jensen survives or does changes shit. It's like two different realities - Adam's missions and the one he lives in.
I like this game very much, but don't expect to replay it ever again. No hope for changing anything equals no need to play it again. Too bad.
Trackmania 2
Only one question : where am i supposed to go ? Official maps are mostly stupid and too tricky for my taste. Fan made : no better.
Amnesia : The Dark Descent
NO. "No" to protagonist trying to emulate xxx actors. Shadow ? "Uhmmhmhmhmhhmmmmmmm". Something moves ? "Ooohohohohohoooooooooooooooo". NO ! I feel like controlling naked guy running around with his dick in hand and that's not what i'd call "fun". NO ! Die, begone !
Beyond Good and Evil
Despite its childish graphics, it's a very good game. Who would think that "paparazzi" minigame could be that fun ? Good story. A little generic, but really good story.
Test Drive Unlimited 2
Racing game is about racing not walking around. What is it supposed to be ? SIMS on wheels ? Get the f*k out of here !
Trine
Very good. You wouldn't like to hear how we swear and curse while playing it, but no matter, it's terrific despite some more difficult obstacles. Why aren't there more co-op games like this ? There's also one serious problem : broken controls. Year 2011 and developers have problems with mapping gamepad ? WTF ???
Dead Island
Environment not interactive enough. I understand that not every objcet is supposed to be moveable, stackable, and so on, but... No, screw it. It's 2011. Game should be at least a little similar to its trailer.
The Last Remnant
Let's see... Intel 2600k + 16 Gb ram/1600Mhz + fast hard disc + nVidia 560 Ti Hawk. Not cutting edge equipment, but not that bad either. Deus Ex:HR runs very fast on max details. "TLR" too, but every fan screams begging of mercy, temperature rises faster than. :|
And the game ? Pretty, stupid, boring, linear, generic. Sometimes it takes few minutes of boring, unskippable chit-chats until game lets you to do something. "Game" my ass !
Dirt3
Surprisingly good - so says my wife. Unfortunately - there's some kind of problem with GFWL offline account. Let's google... Oh. I'm not alone. Damn, it's pretty common problem. Meh. I understand a few misplaced textures, glitches or such, but inability to save games ?
Honestly, guys, how can you demand to be taken seriously if your products are so indecently flawed ?
Drakensang 1
Isn't Drakensang some kind of spiritual successor to Realms of Arkania DOS games ? No matter, let's play.
Why... It's very pretty. Damn, i like it ! Once more "damn" : camera is acting like bunch of monkeys swimming in a lake full of LSD. Oh well.
Drakensang 2
Ditto.
Rage
Doesn't work. F*ck you Bethesda, f*ck you ID software, f*ck you testers, f... Waaaaita minute. Oh yes, now i understand the title. Ahahahaa, good one ! You really got me there. But seriously : f*ck you.
Risen
Yawn. What ? Ummm. Is back of protagonist covered with glue ? How it's possible for him to carry wooden branch like that ?
Witcher 1
...oh wow.
Instead of impressions :
I am not sure when to use "its" and when "it's". I mix British English with American, Engrish and god knows what other mutations. Times other than -simple seem more mysterious than Taman Shud Case. But i play english version of Witcher even though it's originally in my own language. Like a boss !
STALKER series
Each and every part of this game is good, however they all share same problem : unfulfilled potential. Like i said : good games, but in comparision to original visions of Strugaccy brothers it's somewhat childish toy. Emissions are f*king amazing though. I really felt like chased by hell or something.
Necrovision
When the f*ck i'll be able to play ? F*cking unskippable trainings... Aw, screw it. Uninstall, proceed to next game.
Red Alert : Uprising
gReetingz my old fRiend. Damn, this is how dwarves should really speak !
Game ? Simply awesome, and i don't like RTSes at all.
Gothic 4
Uhhhhhh... That awful whispering voice... "It's not too late"... I know, this is obviously scripted event. Hmmm, nice one sir king. Not only running like a youngster but also rolling in that shiny armor of yours ? They see me rollin' they hatin... Yea, i hate this game a little.
Cryostasis
F*ck me... It's wonderful. Cow's execution is more convincing than every pro-vegetarian argument i've heard ever. Whoa...
Civilization 5
I don't like strategy games, but this is awesome. Let me have just one more turn...
