Your favorite groaners!
- Thread starter Kolby Jack
- Start date
Recommended Videos
See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum and one night they decide they don?t like living in an asylum any more. They decide they?re going to escape! Sothey get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moon light? stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend didn't dare make the leap. Y?see, he?s afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea. He says, ?Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I?ll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!? But the second guy just shakes his head. He says, ?Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You?d turn it off when I was half way across!
SonofaJohannes said:
Not goin' lie I thought of something completely different when I read the title.
OT:A neutron walks into a bar and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender says, "for you? no charge."
That's gotta be smoothest effing gif I've ever seen in my life.Andrewtheeviscerator said:SonofaJohannes said:
Not goin' lie I thought of something completely different when I read the title.
OT:A neutron walks into a bar and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender says, "for you? no charge."
It...it just flows
Me too, it'd be a shame if it flounders. I'm having a whale of a time. (thats right, I'm not afraid to do mammal puns (nor judging by my last post crustacean ones) as well).the_duke_CC said:
I can't look at that gif any more. It makes me laugh too hard.Andrewtheeviscerator said:SonofaJohannes said:
Not goin' lie I thought of something completely different when I read the title.
OT:A neutron walks into a bar and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender says, "for you? no charge."
OT:
Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: Whatever you want, he ain't comin' any way.
Q: Why couldn't the plumber break into stand-up comedy?
A: Nobody was interested in toilet humor.
Q: What's the difference between organized crime and law enforcement?
A: One of them is organized.
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on it.
Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: Tame way, unique up on it.
Q: Why wasn't John Wayne brand toilet paper very popular?
A: It was rough, it was tough, and it didn't take shit off nobody.
So, these two cannibals are eating a clown. And one asks the other "Hey, does this taste funny to you?"
So, this scientist clones himself, but due to a genetic defect, the clone can only say the F word. The scientist gets so sick of hearing it that he pushes him out the window. Thepolice wheren't sure what to charge him with, so they arrested him for making an obscene clone fall.
So, this piece of rope walks into a bar. The bartender says "Get out! We don't serve your kind here." So, the piece of rope leaves, ties himself in a knot, messes his ends up a bit, and walks back in. The bartender says "Hey, you can't fool me! You're that piece of rope from before!" And the rope says "Nope. I'm a frayed knot."
So, this scientist clones himself, but due to a genetic defect, the clone can only say the F word. The scientist gets so sick of hearing it that he pushes him out the window. Thepolice wheren't sure what to charge him with, so they arrested him for making an obscene clone fall.
So, this piece of rope walks into a bar. The bartender says "Get out! We don't serve your kind here." So, the piece of rope leaves, ties himself in a knot, messes his ends up a bit, and walks back in. The bartender says "Hey, you can't fool me! You're that piece of rope from before!" And the rope says "Nope. I'm a frayed knot."
A Higgs-Boson particle walks into a church. The priest gets angry and shouts "We don't allow Higgs-Boson particles here! You call yourself the God particle, it's sacrilegious!" The Higgs-Boson particle says "But if you don't allow Higgs-Boson particles, how do you have Mass?"
And since everyone else has some, I present the elephant jokes. I have tormented many a soul with them.
How many elephants can you fit in a station wagon?
How many giraffes can you fit in a station wagon?
How can you tell there's an elephant in your refrigerator?
How can you tell there's two elephants in your refrigerator?
How can you tell there's three elephants in your refrigerator?
How can you tell there's four elephants in your refrigerator?
How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
And since everyone else has some, I present the elephant jokes. I have tormented many a soul with them.
How many elephants can you fit in a station wagon?
Four. Two in front, two in back.
None. There's all those elephants in there.
There's a footprint in the butter.
You can hear them giggle when the light goes out.
You can't quite get the door closed.
There's a station wagon parked out front.
How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Ten. One to change it and nine to stand around and say they could do it better.
None. Californians screw in hottubs.
So, the Hunchback of Notre Dame's getting on in years, and he just can't keep up his bell-ringing schedule. So he decides it's time to hire an assistant.
So, he interviews a bunch of prospective candidates, but none of them really has what it takes.
Finally, there's only one candidate left... a little boy with no arms.
The hunchback says, "Look, I'm sorry, kid, but I don't see how you're qualified to do this joob. I mean... not to point out the obvious, but you kidn of need arms to ring the bell."
The kid says "Just give me a chance, sir. I'll prove I can do it!"
The Hunchback says "Look, I admire your enthusiasm, but you clearly can't do it."
"Please, sir. Just one chance. If I can't ring the bell, I promise I'll never bother you again."
Overcome with morbid curiosity, the hunchback relents. So, the boy backs up a buit... then runs, full tilt, into the bell. The Hunchback is amazed. He's never heard the bell rung so beautifully before. Tears in his eyes, he says "That was amazing. Can you do it again?"
The boy says "Of course!" And he backs up again, and goes charging at the bell. Suddenly, there's a freak gust of wind, blowing the bell to the side at the last minute. The boy can't stop in time and charges right over the edge, falling down the clock toer to his death.
When the finally get to the body, the abbott asks the hunchback, "What was the boy's name?"
And the hunchback says "I don't know, but his face rings a bell."
So, he interviews a bunch of prospective candidates, but none of them really has what it takes.
Finally, there's only one candidate left... a little boy with no arms.
The hunchback says, "Look, I'm sorry, kid, but I don't see how you're qualified to do this joob. I mean... not to point out the obvious, but you kidn of need arms to ring the bell."
The kid says "Just give me a chance, sir. I'll prove I can do it!"
The Hunchback says "Look, I admire your enthusiasm, but you clearly can't do it."
"Please, sir. Just one chance. If I can't ring the bell, I promise I'll never bother you again."
Overcome with morbid curiosity, the hunchback relents. So, the boy backs up a buit... then runs, full tilt, into the bell. The Hunchback is amazed. He's never heard the bell rung so beautifully before. Tears in his eyes, he says "That was amazing. Can you do it again?"
The boy says "Of course!" And he backs up again, and goes charging at the bell. Suddenly, there's a freak gust of wind, blowing the bell to the side at the last minute. The boy can't stop in time and charges right over the edge, falling down the clock toer to his death.
When the finally get to the body, the abbott asks the hunchback, "What was the boy's name?"
And the hunchback says "I don't know, but his face rings a bell."