With end of year exams coming up (The HSC over here in the great state of NSW in Australia), that will determine you're future career and role in society, its vital that you give yourself every advantage in the exams you possibly can. I decided to knock up a brief study guide, with methods that I've found tried and true throughout my years of schooling, so good luck!
[HEADING=1]IMPORTANT! For all students beginning final year exams:[/HEADING]
The following contains a brief list of steps that should be taken in order to ensure exam success, no matter what the subject, no matter how much you know, know matter how much you care.
With these steps, Exam Success:
You can do it!!
The Weeks leading up to the exam period
Play naughts and crosses in class. Talk about Master Chief. Talk about Gordon Freeman. Discuss who would win in a bout of combat. Talk about new WoW races, complain that "OMG Furriez for Ally are GONNA RUIN TEH GAME!!".
If the teacher asks if you are paying attention, simply repeat the last thing she said.
Go to a party. Every Friday. Imbibe alcohol, gallons of.
If you are feeling confident about your upcoming exams, you can skip Step 4.
Go to a party every Saturday, as well. Imbibe alcohol, keg-loads of.
If you wake up in a pool of vomit, go to Step 6. If not, repeat Steps 1 through 5 until you manage this.
Put some textbooks on your desk. Let your parents see them. [
Note: Make sure you wash vomit off before Step 6]
Repeat Steps 1 through 7 until the day before your exam.
The Night before an exam
[ol]
Eat a hearty dinner of sausages, if possible, raw sausages. You will not lose marks by cooking the sausages, but doing so
will make it harder to access a Band 6. (Remember
the Enemy's Gate is Down, Band 6 is what you have been working towards your entire life. Not getting one is akin to
catastrophic and
critical existence failure.)
Start making notes. Stop after 10 minutes. Procrastinate.
Swear to never go on Facebook until exams are over.
Make this your status,
right now.
Go on Facebook. Whinge about how "fucked" you are for exams. (Do the same for all your followers on Twitter.)
Start reading straight from a textbook. At the same time, casually stalk an attractive member of the opposite sex's photo album. End all comments you leave with either
"lol nawwwwwwww
ily xxx"
OR
":0
how much?
nah jks lol
,
but srsly, pretty hot
"
Close Plants vs Zombies. I know you'll have it open by now.
Eat more sausages. HSC markes will say sausages are not strictly
required, but in reality people who eat raw sausages the night before almost always get better marks. If you want to play the system, eat raw sausages.
Close Plants vs Zombies. Again.
Reach some kind of death clock! epiphany: There is at least 8 hours until your exam.[/I]
Start injecting pure caffeine into your bloodstream. While you're in the kitchen, eat a few more sausages.
Say goodnight to parents/other
Close Plants vs Zombies.
Put on one of your favourite
Rick Astley albums and power on through the night. Study everything even remotely resembling useful information.
Do not sleep. Sleep is a trap.
Take a break at 3am. Troll the
Paddle Steamer Appreciation Society Forum for teh lulz.
Have an early breakfast of straight vodka and marshmallows.
Close Plants vs Zombies.
Steal a horse. Ride it to school
[/ol]
Moments before the Exam
Arrive at the exam hall with at least 10 minutes to spare.
Begin hallucinating due to sleep deprivation and caffeine overdose.
Avoide the giant pink light-saber wielding spider.
Hallucinate some more.
Fight a Meerkat.
Start scabbing any notes you can off friends. Or teachers. Or the Meerkat.
Convince a friend to 'dispose' of their grandmother. Report this friend to the police.
This will postpone the exam,
and give your whole year bonus marks.
If the above step was successful, go back to the very start of exam guide and repeat all steps. If not, go to next step.
Eat one last sausage.
Work out you're teacher said "Remember quotes" not, "Eat raw sausages."
Enter test and open exam paper.
Close Plants vs Zombies.
Look at Section I of the paper. Pass out from lack of sleep.
Awake 2-3 hours later. Panic.
Leave exam hall in tears, knowing you have failed.
Pick up a form from the local Unemployment Office or TAFE.
Double IMPORTANT: [/HEADING]
[HEADING=2]Things that should not be done before an exam under
any circumstances:[/HEADING]
-Invade Poland.
-Send all your money to Nigeria
-Start a thread on
The Escapist about peoples opinions on America/Americans.
-Look at a picture of Bobby Kotick
"Look at me grin, I'm just so hate-able. Perhaps its because
I bathe in a mixture of irate gamer tears and money"
-Jump in a bin filled with cake while trying to cross the English Channel.
-Get involved in "PC vs Consoles" Thread.
-Practice Dwarf tossing.
-Inhale an iguana.
-Replay all of
Fallout 3 while humming the James Bond theme.
-Replay all of
N64 Goldeneye while narrating your actions in Ron Pearlman's voice.
-Visit www.tvtropes.org [http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/HomePage]
-Write pithy lists on
The Escapist.
Armitage Shanks has an exam tomorrow. He did not have time to write this. But what the hey.
