Zero Punctuation: Assassin's Creed IV: Black Flag

[Random Wanderer]

Is there any actual... you know... assassinating in this game? Because it kind of sounds like they could have just made a completely unrelated pirate game and we'd all have been better off.

Actually what it sounds like is that they realized that the only part of AC3 people liked was the ship side-missions, so they decided to make an entire game out of them, and they stapled the Assassin's Creed title to it because they couldn't think of anything better to do with it.

 

[putowtin]

Kenway's Welsh?... LOAD THE CANNONS WITH CHEESE TOASTIES MEN! That will distract him, HAR HAR HAR, God save the queen.

Welsh Rarebit is the dish, not cheese on toast... This public announcment was brought to you by the "Know Your Melted Cheese" brigade!

OT, some are getting fed up of the AC series, I'm falling in love with it all over again. My heart was broken by III but a charming pirate stole my heart!

 

[TacticalAssassin1]

Thanks for the fuckin' AC3 spoiler, Yahtzee.

 

[Enlong]

Is there any actual... you know... assassinating in this game? Because it kind of sounds like they could have just made a completely unrelated pirate game and we'd all have been better off.

Actually what it sounds like is that they realized that the only part of AC3 people liked was the ship side-missions, so they decided to make an entire game out of them, and they stapled the Assassin's Creed title to it because they couldn't think of anything better to do with it.

Yeah, there's assassinating.

 

[MonkeyPunch]

For some reason the picture where Kenway sails past link *mornin'* only to have the next frame show link scrambling for his mast in the water - made me laugh out loud.
Well put together episode this one.

 

[TiberiusEsuriens]

THANK GOD. I've been playing a bunch of games lately with excessive escort quests

Hah! Every such mission ever:

Haha, yeah. I thought about posting that but you beat me to it. Typically before rage quitting I like to empty my clip into them just to vent a bit. Helps a lot!

 

[Mylinkay Asdara]

Uhhh, ok, if you haven't played AC3 yet, DO NOT WATCH THIS. At least warn people before you spoil the fuck out of something THAT major, Jesus Christ...

Admittedly, now I feel like I maybe shouldn't've quit ACIII when the story was about to splurt badly written climactic ending on my face like I was a $5 hooker.

Well, it'd still spill its unsavoury load all over me, but at least I could do a little victory dance over the corpse of -SPOILER-, because really, fuck that guy.

You'd think so, but no, no victory dance.

Spoiler

He dies in a way that is infuriating and also stupid and my reaction as his "player" was NO, NO I am not that stupid, I don't even know anyone that stupid, YOU CAN NOT be that STUPID - just because you are dull dull dull shouldn't mean you are also this STUPID. I'm sure there's a YouTube you can watch somewhere. It's... really stupid

 

[Enlong]

Uhhh, ok, if you haven't played AC3 yet, DO NOT WATCH THIS. At least warn people before you spoil the fuck out of something THAT major, Jesus Christ...

Admittedly, now I feel like I maybe shouldn't've quit ACIII when the story was about to splurt badly written climactic ending on my face like I was a $5 hooker.

Well, it'd still spill its unsavoury load all over me, but at least I could do a little victory dance over the corpse of -SPOILER-, because really, fuck that guy.

You'd think so, but no, no victory dance.

Spoiler

He dies in a way that is infuriating and also stupid and my reaction as his "player" was NO, NO I am not that stupid, I don't even know anyone that stupid, YOU CAN NOT be that STUPID - just because you are dull dull dull shouldn't mean you are also this STUPID. I'm sure there's a YouTube you can watch somewhere. It's... really stupid

Spoiler

Considering that his choices had been narrowed to "let most of the planet die" and "die and let Juno free to stop the disaster", whether his decision was stupid is a matter of debate. We can, perhaps, lay some of the blame at Connor's feet, for trusting Juno so much. Since there was an Apple in the colonies, he ha the tools needed to open that temple almost 300 years before the disaster, which might have been enough time for a third option. More broadly, the Templars and Assassins are all idiots for spending milennia fighting each other and listening to Juno.

I can't help but think it can't be a coincidence that the evil Templar-run video game company that bought Ubisoft is called AE.

 

[Mylinkay Asdara]

Snip

Snip.

You'd think so, but no, no victory dance.

Spoiler

He dies in a way that is infuriating and also stupid and my reaction as his "player" was NO, NO I am not that stupid, I don't even know anyone that stupid, YOU CAN NOT be that STUPID - just because you are dull dull dull shouldn't mean you are also this STUPID. I'm sure there's a YouTube you can watch somewhere. It's... really stupid

Spoiler

Considering that his choices had been narrowed to "let most of the planet die" and "die and let Juno free to stop the disaster", whether his decision was stupid is a matter of debate. We can, perhaps, lay some of the blame at Connor's feet, for trusting Juno so much. Since there was an Apple in the colonies, he ha the tools needed to open that temple almost 300 years before the disaster, which might have been enough time for a third option. More broadly, the Templars and Assassins are all idiots for spending milennia fighting each other and listening to Juno.

I can't help but think it can't be a coincidence that the evil Templar-run video game company that bought Ubisoft is called AE.

Okay, whole response in the spoiler tags b/c I don't want to derail this thread.

Spoiler

"Let Juno free" is a bad option - none of the other glowy-people trust her, she's obviously a problem (isn't she the one who knifes whats-her-name chick assassin in the previous title?) and she wants to dominate the world. Letting everyone die and the cycle start again (which might happen, or it might not, I mean - Desmond could try to not let it, if he was still alive and all) is also bad, but you do wipe out all the Templars too and reset the stage so at least your side might get a leg-up this time around. Leaving things as are, with the Templars at max strength and the Assassins barely still in existence doesn't have a great outlook for continuing humanity either. But letting Juno free is obviously stupid to me, and it's the "give up" option I expect Desmond to take - well, I'll be dead this way and won't have all that work of rebuilding the world ahead of me, so f-it. I disliked it intensely.

Connor, on the other hand, had every reason to trust Juno. He had no other information to go on - he hadn't seen the other glowy-people, he didn't have the experiences of Ezio and Altair to draw on, he didn't have anything but the word of his shaman who said to listen to this glowy-person. I think Connor is a bad character for a number of other reasons, on the intelligence level (such as - I want people off my people's land, but I will settle these people next-door to my people's land through the whole game).

I don't have any evidence that the Templars are listening to Juno, or anyone else, other than the first game they are watching the messages she has for Desmond to figure out where power objects are.

 

[Enlong]

Snip

Snip.

You'd think so, but no, no victory dance.

Spoiler

He dies in a way that is infuriating and also stupid and my reaction as his "player" was NO, NO I am not that stupid, I don't even know anyone that stupid, YOU CAN NOT be that STUPID - just because you are dull dull dull shouldn't mean you are also this STUPID. I'm sure there's a YouTube you can watch somewhere. It's... really stupid

Spoiler

Considering that his choices had been narrowed to "let most of the planet die" and "die and let Juno free to stop the disaster", whether his decision was stupid is a matter of debate. We can, perhaps, lay some of the blame at Connor's feet, for trusting Juno so much. Since there was an Apple in the colonies, he ha the tools needed to open that temple almost 300 years before the disaster, which might have been enough time for a third option. More broadly, the Templars and Assassins are all idiots for spending milennia fighting each other and listening to Juno.

I can't help but think it can't be a coincidence that the evil Templar-run video game company that bought Ubisoft is called AE.

Okay, whole response in the spoiler tags b/c I don't want to derail this thread.

Spoiler

"Let Juno free" is a bad option - none of the other glowy-people trust her, she's obviously a problem (isn't she the one who knifes whats-her-name chick assassin in the previous title?) and she wants to dominate the world. Letting everyone die and the cycle start again (which might happen, or it might not, I mean - Desmond could try to not let it, if he was still alive and all) is also bad, but you do wipe out all the Templars too and reset the stage so at least your side might get a leg-up this time around. Leaving things as are, with the Templars at max strength and the Assassins barely still in existence doesn't have a great outlook for continuing humanity either. But letting Juno free is obviously stupid to me, and it's the "give up" option I expect Desmond to take - well, I'll be dead this way and won't have all that work of rebuilding the world ahead of me, so f-it. I disliked it intensely.

Connor, on the other hand, had every reason to trust Juno. He had no other information to go on - he hadn't seen the other glowy-people, he didn't have the experiences of Ezio and Altair to draw on, he didn't have anything but the word of his shaman who said to listen to this glowy-person. I think Connor is a bad character for a number of other reasons, on the intelligence level (such as - I want people off my people's land, but I will settle these people next-door to my people's land through the whole game).

I don't have any evidence that the Templars are listening to Juno, or anyone else, other than the first game they are watching the messages she has for Desmond to figure out where power objects are.

Spoiler

Okay, I suppose Templars through history probably didn't get many Juno messages, so I guess it's mostly the Assassins who heard her messages. Though, the Templars spent almost as much time through history fighting over the artifacts as the Templars, when they probably could have found a third option had they cooperated and opened the temple earlier. Minerva said as much; they squandered centuries they could have used to prevent the event some other way. Then again, that was part of Juno's plan; to play up events so that the temple would be opened minutes before the event, forcing Desmond to choose freeing Juno or letting a majority of humanity die, with no time for a third option.

So it can be seen as either giving up on the follow-through, or not wanting to choose to kill off that many people. Desmond's rationale seemed to be that whatever Juno has planned, it would be even worse to kill off all those people, and have humanity learn nothing and just start it over again.

Of course, now there's definitely more people listening to Juno now that she's in the Cloud, if the post-its about Juno (May She Guide Us Into The Grey) in ACIV are any indication.

 

[Mylinkay Asdara]

Snip

Snip.

You'd think so, but no, no victory dance.

Spoiler

He dies in a way that is infuriating and also stupid and my reaction as his "player" was NO, NO I am not that stupid, I don't even know anyone that stupid, YOU CAN NOT be that STUPID - just because you are dull dull dull shouldn't mean you are also this STUPID. I'm sure there's a YouTube you can watch somewhere. It's... really stupid

Spoiler

Considering that his choices had been narrowed to "let most of the planet die" and "die and let Juno free to stop the disaster", whether his decision was stupid is a matter of debate. We can, perhaps, lay some of the blame at Connor's feet, for trusting Juno so much. Since there was an Apple in the colonies, he ha the tools needed to open that temple almost 300 years before the disaster, which might have been enough time for a third option. More broadly, the Templars and Assassins are all idiots for spending milennia fighting each other and listening to Juno.

I can't help but think it can't be a coincidence that the evil Templar-run video game company that bought Ubisoft is called AE.

Okay, whole response in the spoiler tags b/c I don't want to derail this thread.

Spoiler

"Let Juno free" is a bad option - none of the other glowy-people trust her, she's obviously a problem (isn't she the one who knifes whats-her-name chick assassin in the previous title?) and she wants to dominate the world. Letting everyone die and the cycle start again (which might happen, or it might not, I mean - Desmond could try to not let it, if he was still alive and all) is also bad, but you do wipe out all the Templars too and reset the stage so at least your side might get a leg-up this time around. Leaving things as are, with the Templars at max strength and the Assassins barely still in existence doesn't have a great outlook for continuing humanity either. But letting Juno free is obviously stupid to me, and it's the "give up" option I expect Desmond to take - well, I'll be dead this way and won't have all that work of rebuilding the world ahead of me, so f-it. I disliked it intensely.

Connor, on the other hand, had every reason to trust Juno. He had no other information to go on - he hadn't seen the other glowy-people, he didn't have the experiences of Ezio and Altair to draw on, he didn't have anything but the word of his shaman who said to listen to this glowy-person. I think Connor is a bad character for a number of other reasons, on the intelligence level (such as - I want people off my people's land, but I will settle these people next-door to my people's land through the whole game).

I don't have any evidence that the Templars are listening to Juno, or anyone else, other than the first game they are watching the messages she has for Desmond to figure out where power objects are.

Spoiler

Okay, I suppose Templars through history probably didn't get many Juno messages, so I guess it's mostly the Assassins who heard her messages. Though, the Templars spent almost as much time through history fighting over the artifacts as the Templars, when they probably could have found a third option had they cooperated and opened the temple earlier. Minerva said as much; they squandered centuries they could have used to prevent the event some other way. Then again, that was part of Juno's plan; to play up events so that the temple would be opened minutes before the event, forcing Desmond to choose freeing Juno or letting a majority of humanity die, with no time for a third option.

So it can be seen as either giving up on the follow-through, or not wanting to choose to kill off that many people. Desmond's rationale seemed to be that whatever Juno has planned, it would be even worse to kill off all those people, and have humanity learn nothing and just start it over again.

Of course, now there's definitely more people listening to Juno now that she's in the Cloud, if the post-its about Juno (May She Guide Us Into The Grey) in ACIV are any indication.

To me it just smacks of the Quest for More Money as if

Spoiler

the whole world burned

then there couldn't be more forays into the past (read: more games).

 

[Lvl 64 Klutz]

The amount of defending of Yahtzee for spoiling the ending to AC3 is kind of appalling. It would have been easy enough to avoid and it *was* pretty thoughtless for those of us who may still be working through the series but still wants to watch his weekly reviews.

Who cares how important it is to the overall story. A major spoiler is a major spoiler and shouldn't just be mentioned offhandedly a year after the game was released.

 

[Enlong]

Wheher it should be defened notwithstanding, it's not like this is a new thing. Check his review of Revelations for much the same thing.

 

[FiveSpeedf150]

Uhhh, ok, if you haven't played AC3 yet, DO NOT WATCH THIS. At least warn people before you spoil the fuck out of something THAT major, Jesus Christ...

So...if people still havent finished the 3rd Ass, why exactly would they want to know anything about games further on in the series? Kinda hard to talk about them without watching out for a bunch of story spoilers, no?

I was mad for half a second then realized "Fuck it, I stopped playing AssCreedIII because it was boring. Now I don't have to finish it."

Black Flag will still get a shot though, because pirates.

 

[Evonisia]

The amount of defending of Yahtzee for spoiling the ending to AC3 is kind of appalling. It would have been easy enough to avoid and it *was* pretty thoughtless for those of us who may still be working through the series but still wants to watch his weekly reviews.

Who cares how important it is to the overall story. A major spoiler is a major spoiler and shouldn't just be mentioned offhandedly a year after the game was released.

How could he avoid it? By not speaking about the story?

"Oh some lad gets killed and dissected, his brain is used to go back in time to create a thousand Assassin's Creed games".

Desmond is known as the only person whom we use to go back in time, it's a hard spoiler to avoid. It'd be like trying to explain the story of Halo 3 without mentioning the fact that the Arbiter's on your side now.

 

[Lvl 64 Klutz]

How could he avoid it? By not speaking about the story?

"Oh some lad gets killed and dissected, his brain is used to go back in time to create a thousand Assassin's Creed games".

Desmond is known as the only person whom we use to go back in time, it's a hard spoiler to avoid. It'd be like trying to explain the story of Halo 3 without mentioning the fact that the Arbiter's on your side now.

Why does the story synopsis in a review have to be so detailed? "The Templars are up to their usual shenanigans and this time we're taken back to follow the story of so-and-so as he rises through the pirate ranks."

 

[IrisNetwork]

I can't give a damn about the AC storyline anymore. Yahtzee's right, its a line graph. Ubisoft can shoehorn in space cows and velociraptors and it can still be an AC game as long as its got the climby, stabby parts.

Since Assassin's Creed takes historical settings for its plot, its got a massive idea bucket that's not gonna run out anytime soon. Its yet to cover feudal Japan, ancient Egypt, old India, Aztecs and Mesopotamia. I used to dream about time travelling to famous periods but well... not like this.

 

[Blaster]

I have to agree with Yahtzee; you spend so much time out at sea, you really don't want to go on land for more than a few minutes. It did get a bit tedious that many other ships were more overpowered than you were early on, but all-in-all, I liked the whole sailing business. Will it work for new games? Eh...maybe?

That line graph was a pretty epic explanation for the series as a whole though. The way that the series presents the conflict of the Templars and the Assassins is a philosophical one, and a conflict that can't be solved. Period. Because of that, Ubisoft will never be able to create a believable "happily ever after" ending. The present day stuff will just end with a temporary victory for one side, before the other gains the upper hand again. Its like the Templars say "The only requirement for the Templars to exist is that the world be what it is."

Don't get me wrong though, I still love the series, and I hope that it can adequately continue to present new time frames for us to explore, and HOPEFULLY solve the whole present day stuff.

 

[Evonisia]

How could he avoid it? By not speaking about the story?

"Oh some lad gets killed and dissected, his brain is used to go back in time to create a thousand Assassin's Creed games".

Desmond is known as the only person whom we use to go back in time, it's a hard spoiler to avoid. It'd be like trying to explain the story of Halo 3 without mentioning the fact that the Arbiter's on your side now.

Why does the story synopsis in a review have to be so detailed? "The Templars are up to their usual shenanigans and this time we're taken back to follow the story of so-and-so as he rises through the pirate ranks."

Saying that we're following the adventures of so-and-so would just be pointless. The (name of the) character isn't exactly a small detail, it's one of the major parts of the story. Considering the fact that this is an Assassin's Creed game it would just raise the question of whether it's Desmond or not, too.

 

[Johnny Novgorod]

Wow... 22 comments and not a single person talking about the Heath Ledger reference?

I'm honestly shocked.

I for one was incredibly offended and request he go back and mutilate his review to appease my outrage.

Spoiler

Nah just kidding

/OP AC4 had me from "open world + pirates & looting", I could give two fucks about the story. I'll be sure to pick it up eventually.