Zero Punctuation: Eve Online

[Sigenrecht]

I played the game and yes, yes it is bone crushingly boring. It's one of those games that isn't fun AT ALL unless you were there from the second it came out, and the market is, as he said, completely useless until you have more money than god. Also it really should've had a Oblivion style travel system, but as it stands it can take literally HOURS to get from point A to a-few-systems-away B.

You must be doing it wrong, then, since unless a couple of systems numbers in the dozens and you have it set to auto-pilot ( another interesting part of the game ), it usually only takes me minutes if I'm doing it right. A system can only take as long as one minute, or two if there's a particular distance between my entrance gate and the next portal to system XYZ.

Edit: Err, and in reply the fellow above me, while you did do a service by linking the thread, and I suppose I should thank you for finally finding me a political EVE map in something other than teensie-weensie 120x120 pixel-vision, calling Yahtzee a 'noob' hardly gains you any points.

 

[Takatchi]

Honestly, I thought this was a very accurate summary of everything that's absolutely wrong with EVE. The only thing that was missing was mention of the fact that the entire playerbase is either pants-on-head retarded or out to fucking get you with levels of passive-aggressivism hitherto unknown to online gaming as a whole.

Sign me up to the "I agree with Yahtzee" newsletter on this, EVE'll never reach my PC again.

 

[andras_krigare]

I don't know, I keep getting the feeling Yahtzee has the totally wrong approach with the MMOs he hates so much. The entire point of an MMO is the fact that other people are there, hence the massively MULTIPLAYER online game. If you ignore everyone, of course the game will suck, it wasn't designed to be played that way.
Anyways, Eve was entirely about the corporations from when I played, and it was a good deal of fun to befriend some people long enough to gain access to the hangar, and run away with it. Only to get tracked down by a bounty hunter and be blown to bits.

 

[Sigenrecht]

Honestly, I thought this was a very accurate summary of everything that's absolutely wrong with EVE. The only thing that was missing was mention of the fact that the entire playerbase is either pants-on-head retarded or out to fucking get you with levels of passive-aggressivism hitherto unknown to online gaming as a whole.

Sign me up to the "I agree with Yahtzee" newsletter on this, EVE'll never reach my PC again.

I think Yahtzee has better things to do with his time than to herd his legions of devout followers (read: you), however able to make a comprehensive few sentences they are. While we're on you, generalizing playerbases for games such as EVE is not the same thing as generalizing playerbases, say, like the Xbox Live crew; not everyone is a throbbing cock slap to the retinas.

 

[Khazoth]

To be quite honest I played this game about a year ago, I heard my friends praising this game and I decided to try it. To enjoy this game you have to find spreadsheets and math erotic and you have to find economics THRILLING. Otherwise you will hate this game as much as Yahtzee. For the love of god it took me half an hour to make a character and not in the good City of Heroes way. In the "Let me wiki this" way.

 

[Portoparty]

a bit random huh?

I mean this game has been around for YEARS. And no explanation like with painkiller...

 

[Traece]

If you told me I was going to make an account for some forum for the express purposes of attempting to give some insight to a man who obviously cares little for actually getting anything right, I would probably push the air conditioner in the window behind me out and attempt to race it to the ground after pushing my own body out after it.

With that said, I have to make an exception for Yahtzee, who is becoming increasingly pathetic in his reviews over these weeks. Once upon a time (parents get your children, or your cardboard cut-outs, because it's story time) I actually enjoyed the reviews Yahtzee bestowed to the public as an attempt to give out his hilarious opinions. Well hilarious opinions is only good if it isn't something that ends up becoming a short-term gimmick. Not that I'm saying he has to get every single review to be funny, but he could at least make me smile. At least when I'm smiling, I'm mildly amused at the bare minimum. It's not hard to make me smile, I enjoy funny things and I'm not picky about hilarity. However, I can't laugh at blatant disrespect for the industry or complete lack of what could be considered ANYTHING.

My point is, Yahtzee is becoming the un-funny much in the same way that Variable Fighter Gundams (yes... I am talking about Zeta Gundam, in which the Gundam in question transforms... In to... A fighter. Macross style... Desperation perhaps?) are the un-Gundam and represent the decline of civilization. You ask me how, I'm telling you I don't care and use your head to figure it out. I have to laugh at the sheer amount of neglect put in to the EVE Online review. Besides the fact that it's pretty much useless to ever review an MMO, it's even more so useless to review one that receives major updates over the years with a vast amount of content.

Even worse, I have to end this post with the fact that Yahtzee was actually ignorant enough to make a claim that could be proven true or false by simply using the internet (OMG Nobody uses that these days! I know it's a long shot to recommend, but sometimes there's places where you can LEARN! E-GASP!). Because obviously EVE Online is a rip-off of World of Warcraft despite the simple that that EVE Online came out a full year (even more so if you want to get technical, a full half year added to that is the plain truth) earlier and actually has decent updates. World of Warcraft couldn't be a larger piece of trash if they released priced expansion packs for the game.

OH WAIT... They do! Sorry about that. Well at least the almost yearly major updates for EVE Online are free right? They are? Ok good, don't want to make myself look like a fool again.

But I don't give Yahtzee enough credit, so here's the happy pie: Even though the review was essentially the George Bush of the bunch [If I have to explain this, HAH... (Yes this review was WORSE than the MGS4 one. I don't hate the MGS4 review because I liked MGS4. I thought the review was a piece of complete crap because of the fact that he doesn't seem to understand how MGS works yet still writes a review on it. The only reason I laughed at that review was because I was imagining Shakespearian Monkeys with typewriters typing out the word 'poop' which essentially sums up said review. End Parentheses) it did make some right points. EVE Online can be a BORING game. But then ALL MMOs are boring at some point in time. In fact, ALL games will bore you eventually. If you've been playing Pong since the day it came out and have the attention span of Wall-E in that you can essentially play thousands of games by yourself, then you sir are a hero and I would like to initiate a body-swap (no matter how much of a drop-out useless crap-shoot druggie you are). EVE Online is a fun game even though a lot of the high-tier ships are just colored variants of the same low-tier ships in different sizes, and it's BECAUSE it has such immense diversity and such fantastic systems of Player Corporations and Manufacturing and the like that sets it apart from other MMOs. The plain fact is: No MMO does what EVE does. You can name the largest fraction possible based on the current laws of math and physics and I'll still tell you you're an idiot for getting the answer wrong, because no game comes close to that fraction.

With that Yahtzee I suggest you watch Comedy Central. Demetri Martin is a funny guy, I'm sure he can teach you something about making individuals (yes individuals. I would've said people but if I had said that it would've been like saying all people are equal. There's too many drones in this world now to say that. Thank goodness Oprah hasn't suggested suicide to her viewing audience, otherwise we'd be faced with a MASSIVE population loss worldwide. ... Actually now I WANT her to do it)at least snicker and politely pretend to be enjoying themselves.

Now I know I don't have to waste my time doing all that up above this line... But I think my job will be done if at least person understands I have a point. Ooooo watch out folks! There's opinions in this post! AVERT THE BABY'S EYES! Edit: I have to comment I was amazed by the immense amount of people who actually decided not to touch EVE Online because of this review. Don't get me wrong people, I wont suggest EVE Online to anyone who isn't prepared for a large learning curve or ready to enjoy complications. So thus, I would probably never suggest this game to anyone who is actually turned off from a game which has a trial because of a not-hilarious review. There's a 14-Day free trial for EVE Online, I suggest that if you're smart enough to know WoW isn't a game (it's a running bill. Seriously) pick the trial up and join a corporation.

 

[Takatchi]

I think Yahtzee has better things to do with his time than to herd his legions of devout followers (read: you), however able to make a comprehensive few sentences they are. While we're on you, generalizing playerbases for games such as EVE is not the same thing as generalizing playerbases, say, like the Xbox Live crew; not everyone is a throbbing cock slap to the retinas.

Considering evidence provided so graciously by people who would step up to defend EVE (read: you), I have to say that I stand by my assessment that EVE Online's playerbase is one of the worst in terms of sportsmanship, spirit, and community. While you may argue that thousands of players have forged player-owned and player-run operations in the darkest holes of space, we still come back to the idea that one of the largest and possibly most successful corporations in the game generally spends its time thinking up new ways to violate the good faith of other players by being infinitely frustrating, on purpose, to those who would otherwise leave them be and enjoy their PVP-free Empire space play, while at the same time screaming "Sandbox play, sandbox play!"

You may be able to say that EVE Online does wonders for the online community and that bringing together so many people to "build something" is incredible, but when the foundations of these "somethings" are essentially destruction, mayhem, and the purposeful spoiling of gaming experience for others, I have to question the nature of its players, and I answer myself contently with "It's run by a bunch of dicks."

EVE can claim intellectual superiority to every other MMORPG on the planet and be right; it definitely takes a dedication and higher mind to get into and enjoy. But you can crunch all the math you like and the end result still doesn't make up for the grievous hole where sportsmanship used to be.

(The only people in EVE who aren't targets are simply lucky enough to have avoided it so far.)

 

[Khazoth]

You don't have to generalize a player base to make the observation that one group is the loudest and most prevelant. I won't touch X-Box live because too many mothers buy it to placate their sugar addled children.

 

[Sigenrecht]

I think Yahtzee has better things to do with his time than to herd his legions of devout followers (read: you), however able to make a comprehensive few sentences they are. While we're on you, generalizing playerbases for games such as EVE is not the same thing as generalizing playerbases, say, like the Xbox Live crew; not everyone is a throbbing cock slap to the retinas.

Considering evidence provided so graciously by people who would step up to defend EVE (read: you), I have to say that I stand by my assessment that EVE Online's playerbase is one of the worst in terms of sportsmanship, spirit, and community. While you may argue that thousands of players have forged player-owned and player-run operations in the darkest holes of space, we still come back to the idea that the one of the largest and possibly most successful corporations in the game generally spends its time thinking up new ways to violate the good faith of other players by being infinitely frustrating, on purpose, to those who would otherwise leave them be and enjoy their PVP-free Empire space play, while at the same time screaming "Sandbox play, sandbox play!"

You may be able to say that EVE Online does wonders for the online community and that bringing together so many people to "build something" is incredible, but when the foundations of these "somethings" are essentially destruction, mayhem, and the purposeful spoiling of gaming experience for others, I have to question the nature of its players, and I answer myself contently with "It's run by a bunch of dicks."

EVE can claim intellectual superiority to every other MMORPG on the planet and be right; it definitely takes a dedication and higher mind to get into and enjoy. But you can crunch all the math you like and the end result still doesn't make up for the grievous hole where sportsmanship used to be.

(The only people in EVE who aren't targets are simply lucky enough to have avoided it so far.)

Let me tell you a little story. Back when I was a lowly frigate-runner with a balance somewhere roughly in the one to two million range, I had finally earned myself the right to use a cruiser; equipping myself for the perils of player-run territory, I went headlong into the abyssal darkness of the EVE Universe. Twenty minutes later, I'd taken critical hull damage and was on the verge of being popped like a misshapen balloon. Suddenly, the subject of hostility stopped firing his salvos of missiles roughly the size of my phallic vehicle in themselves and hailed me. After a few minutes of conversation, we had established that I was in fact a newbie barely out of the learning-curb infancy of the game, and not only used modules to fully repair my critical system, but gave me money to repay for the irreparable hull damage he had incurred upon me and gave me advice on how to spot marauders like him before they even came in range of filling my ass with bullets and a Pink Floyd lights show. After a few kind farewells, I was back on my way; this time, in the opposite direction, for I knew this country was no place for youthful stallions like myself.

The moral? You're the offended ass here, still making sweeping generalizations.

 

[AnnaPanfs]

Let me tell you a little story. Back when I was a lowly frigate-runner with a balance somewhere roughly in the one to two million range, I had finally earned myself the right to use a cruiser; equipping myself for the perils of player-run territory, I went headlong into the abyssal darkness of the EVE Universe. Twenty minutes later, I'd taken critical hull damage and was on the verge of being popped like a misshapen balloon. Suddenly, the subject of hostility stopped firing his salvos of missiles roughly the size of my phallic vehicle in themselves and hailed me. After a few minutes of conversation, we had established that I was in fact a newbie barely out of the learning-curb infancy of the game, and not only used modules to fully repair my critical system, but gave me money to repay for the irreparable hull damage he had incurred upon me and gave me advice on how to spot marauders like him before they even came in range of filling my ass with bullets and a Pink Floyd lights show. After a few kind farewells, I was back on my way; this time, in the opposite direction, for I knew this country was no place for youthful stallions like myself.

The moral? You're the offended ass here, still making sweeping generalizations.

I think he still makes his point with:
"The only people in EVE who aren't targets are simply lucky enough to have avoided it so far." Its a game kiddo, don't be offended if Yahtzee told the truth about it.

 

[braincore02]

lol, "a second job you have to pay for" hahaha that's what i was thinking about WOW hearing my friend describe his time with the game. guess it's a common theme in mmorpgs

 

[Traece]

Eh, having a corporation to depend on cancels out the issue of Player Pirating in EVE Online. Just as well, most if not all Player Pirates are camping the vicinity of a jump gate in EVE, or are in the middle of an asteroid.

In both situations if you aren't prepared to jump away from said player, I can only laugh at you for not being ready for yet another MMO with open PvP.

 

[Crazyshak48]

I've played EVE for close to three years, and while I agree that the game has it's quirks and problems, most of which Yahtzee touched on, that hasn't kept me from enjoying it. And to be certain, there ARE a large of number of dicks in it with no sportsmanship. My only response to that: Welcome to life.

I would also argue that you miss out on a lot of the content without teaming up with other players, and frankly, it is miserable and boring to play solo. With friends, it becomes much more interesting. They really need to work on that to help players get more immersed more quickly.

Now as to the bit about not being able to get out of your ship and walk around, well it is a SPACE game. And while I agree it would be a nice touch (and it is something they're working on) I'd prefer they add more content to the main universe.

That being said, I'm hardly surprised by Yahtzee's review. There are many games out there that I believe Yahtzee would enjoy, and I never for one minute thought that Eve would be one of them.

As always, its a matter of opinion.

 

[Odjin]

God some people go on my nerves. Let's weed out some crap here.

1) YOU NEED TO SOCIALIZE!
Shut the fuck up, right now, and quick ( goes to those "vets" how they call them ). Socializing in a game? Am I a fucking emo kid? Jesus if I want to socialize, have fun and meet people then I go out with my friends, yes, REAL LIFE FRIENDS! Socializing on the internet is a big looser and majority of those are emos. If I play a game I want to have fun. Fun I can have with others... PoA for example or others. But wasting weeks over weeks talking to people while doing shit... sorry... my time is too valuable for that.

2) IT NEEDS SKILLZ!
My ass too. Whoever calls this a tactic if a mass of flies whittles down a cow should be punished and his computer locked away fro him. Let me tell you one thing: you know SHIT about real tactics in games. Such old backed and unimaginative attack patterns only show how much shit those games are. People degenerate into "dumb fuck mind mode" and start to think they are skilled. It's a typical disease of MMO players... and it seems to never cease.

3) 14DAYS ARE NOT ENOUGH YOU FUCKTARD! IT'S SO DEEEEEP!
"Looks into a plate"... You call this deep? You must be affected by time dilatation that you perception of narrow depth grow so wide ( if you don't know what this is, go learn a bit about relativity theory ). A game which requires the players to do all the imagination work to add any sense of depth to it and makes them pay for is not a game but a failed attempt at game design. Depth is produced by the game makers. Because if you want people to produce depth go play some DnD... much cheaper and you can fucking do what you want and what is fun. Also if a trial fails to tell you after 14 days that the game is worth it then the game is simply utter rubbish.

And finally: "veteran" opinions are usually worthless. This is because they fanboy with the game and try to defend it at any cost while shutting of their mind to the blatant truth. Yathzee stated he approached the game from the point of view of a "common player". This is also how I do it. I do not enter a game with "w00t" or "crap" but I just go in and look if it connects. Furthermore I use a list of parameters I judge a game by from a technical point of view but the first impression ( especially in the trial phase ) is important. It's like a job review. The first impression counts most. In this regard the game is a failure. So please you "vets" shut the fuck up. Sugar-talking games is not making them better just because of it.

 

[Tumbler360]

Awesome. Another awesome review.

 

[YYZed]

God some people go on my nerves. Let's weed out some crap here.

1) YOU NEED TO SOCIALIZE!
Shut the fuck up, right now, and quick ( goes to those "vets" how they call them ). Socializing in a game? Am I a fucking emo kid? Jesus if I want to socialize, have fun and meet people then I go out with my friends, yes, REAL LIFE FRIENDS! Socializing on the internet is a big looser and majority of those are emos. If I play a game I want to have fun. Fun I can have with others... PoA for example or others. But wasting weeks over weeks talking to people while doing shit... sorry... my time is too valuable for that.

2) IT NEEDS SKILLZ!
My ass too. Whoever calls this a tactic if a mass of flies whittles down a cow should be punished and his computer locked away fro him. Let me tell you one thing: you know SHIT about real tactics in games. Such old backed and unimaginative attack patterns only show how much shit those games are. People degenerate into "dumb fuck mind mode" and start to think they are skilled. It's a typical disease of MMO players... and it seems to never cease.

3) 14DAYS ARE NOT ENOUGH YOU FUCKTARD! IT'S SO DEEEEEP!
"Looks into a plate"... You call this deep? You must be affected by time dilatation that you perception of narrow depth grow so wide ( if you don't know what this is, go learn a bit about relativity theory ). A game which requires the players to do all the imagination work to add any sense of depth to it and makes them pay for is not a game but a failed attempt at game design. Depth is produced by the game makers. Because if you want people to produce depth go play some DnD... much cheaper and you can fucking do what you want and what is fun. Also if a trial fails to tell you after 14 days that the game is worth it then the game is simply utter rubbish.

And finally: "veteran" opinions are usually worthless. This is because they fanboy with the game and try to defend it at any cost while shutting of their mind to the blatant truth. Yathzee stated he approached the game from the point of view of a "common player". This is also how I do it. I do not enter a game with "w00t" or "crap" but I just go in and look if it connects. Furthermore I use a list of parameters I judge a game by from a technical point of view but the first impression ( especially in the trial phase ) is important. It's like a job review. The first impression counts most. In this regard the game is a failure. So please you "vets" shut the fuck up. Sugar-talking games is not making them better just because of it.

You lost me at, "Go on my nerves."

 

[milskidasith]

God some people go on my nerves. Let's weed out some crap here.

1) YOU NEED TO SOCIALIZE!
Shut the fuck up, right now, and quick ( goes to those "vets" how they call them ). Socializing in a game? Am I a fucking emo kid? Jesus if I want to socialize, have fun and meet people then I go out with my friends, yes, REAL LIFE FRIENDS! Socializing on the internet is a big looser and majority of those are emos. If I play a game I want to have fun. Fun I can have with others... PoA for example or others. But wasting weeks over weeks talking to people while doing shit... sorry... my time is too valuable for that.

2) IT NEEDS SKILLZ!
My ass too. Whoever calls this a tactic if a mass of flies whittles down a cow should be punished and his computer locked away fro him. Let me tell you one thing: you know SHIT about real tactics in games. Such old backed and unimaginative attack patterns only show how much shit those games are. People degenerate into "dumb fuck mind mode" and start to think they are skilled. It's a typical disease of MMO players... and it seems to never cease.

3) 14DAYS ARE NOT ENOUGH YOU FUCKTARD! IT'S SO DEEEEEP!
"Looks into a plate"... You call this deep? You must be affected by time dilatation that you perception of narrow depth grow so wide ( if you don't know what this is, go learn a bit about relativity theory ). A game which requires the players to do all the imagination work to add any sense of depth to it and makes them pay for is not a game but a failed attempt at game design. Depth is produced by the game makers. Because if you want people to produce depth go play some DnD... much cheaper and you can fucking do what you want and what is fun. Also if a trial fails to tell you after 14 days that the game is worth it then the game is simply utter rubbish.

And finally: "veteran" opinions are usually worthless. This is because they fanboy with the game and try to defend it at any cost while shutting of their mind to the blatant truth. Yathzee stated he approached the game from the point of view of a "common player". This is also how I do it. I do not enter a game with "w00t" or "crap" but I just go in and look if it connects. Furthermore I use a list of parameters I judge a game by from a technical point of view but the first impression ( especially in the trial phase ) is important. It's like a job review. The first impression counts most. In this regard the game is a failure. So please you "vets" shut the fuck up. Sugar-talking games is not making them better just because of it.

You lost me at, "Go on my nerves."

As soon as he started ranting on how socializing on the internet is for emos on a forum based on an online magazine for gamers, I stopped reading.

 

[kibayasu]

God some people go on my nerves. Let's weed out some crap here.

1) YOU NEED TO SOCIALIZE!
Shut the fuck up, right now, and quick ( goes to those "vets" how they call them ). Socializing in a game? Am I a fucking emo...

Given how much angst you're expressing in this post, you don't need the internet to be emo.

 

[CastleBravo]

Yahtzee, why am I not surprised that you have once again played a multiplayer game like its singleplayer only to be disappointed. Go review some simple console title you actually have some hope of wrapping your head around instead.