Zero Punctuation: Final Fantasy XIII

[Beauwight]

Are people REALLY complaining that Yahtzee isn't reviewing the game correctly by playing only the first 5 hours? The fact that any of you care about his skills as a reviewer baffles me.

Isn't he more a parody of a reviewer? He almost always gives negative reviews, even of good games. I take his stuff as entertainment, not as a compass informing me about what not to buy (otherwise...the compass would be the type that avoided pointing north unless ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY).

I mean, yes, as a reviewer he does tend to make valid points, but so does Jon Stewart with regards to the news.

I am claiming that, in fact. I want parody review of the whole game, not just the first chunk. I mean he didn't even get to Fang, and that's just rife with lesbian jokes! I wanted a gag on Hecatoncheirs and how many hands it has. There was just so many expectations that weren't met for me. Sure, I like the game--that's irrelevant. I just feel the need to say that such a well-known game deserved more of Yahtzee's time.

 

[southparkdudez]

lol the credects nice yahtzee never played a ff game might buy this one

 

[southparkdudez]

yep just like th avgn said fuck dont change the names anymore

 

[Dreyfuss]

Don't worry Yahtzee, FF6 really was the only FF that remains enjoyable as you get older and wiser. 5 and 12 are also good, shame we never got a proper port of that 5 (you know, when Ted Woolsey was making Square games worth playing) and 12 gets bashed so much for not being cliche anime tripe. I've played every other FF but honestly, these are the only two main FFs I can say beyond a doubt are great games. Sure, I ENJOYED 7, 9, 10, 13, and 4, but I don't think they were GOOD. More like very, very guilty pleasures.

Anyway, if you liked 6, have you played Chrono Trigger and Super Mario RPG? (SNES version, avoid DS) CT actually has likeable characters (probably all Enix's fault, when they were still good too), and SMRPG actually demands some interaction in its fights.

 

[PatternWolf]

Surprised to see yahtzee admitting to liking the same FF game I liked the most. Final fantasy 3 (or 6 whatever) is my favorite one but I slowly lost interest and stopped at 8. This was one of the more entertaining of his reviews. Next up, can Yahtzee review a Pokemon game =P.

 

[YaeRRoW]

You sir, have suffered.

 

[Darth Pope]

Well that was unprofessional and biased as ever. Still funny though.

 

[XeroForever]

Haha, I guess 3 discs means its just that much longer to get to the good parts.

 

[comet5002]

I can't say anything about Fang because I haven't acquired her yet. Sorry for the extremely long post, but I felt like I had to say this and even though I know most of the people who are viewing this thread are here to make fun of EVERY aspect of this game, I just wanted to get my two cents in.

If you haven't reached the point where you get Fang you don't even know 10% of the character's motivations and progression curve (some of them are significantly different towards the end), so what you wrote is completely inaccurate.

I'm only writing what I know as a first impression. If I was someone who had never played FF before or was skeptical about it, the characters alone in the first few hours would completely turn me off, and that's what matters the most.

 

[kaizen2468]

2 Points I'd like to make.

First, FF13 did suck badly.

Second point, worst review he's ever done.

 

[Ansem-The-Wise]

I liked the Monty Python reference.

 

[comet5002]

CITIZEN SNIPSSSSSSSSSSSS!

wait, wait, wait. you liked Zell? Really? not gonna lie, I find this disturbing.


OT: Actually agree with yahtzee for once. I too haven't liked a Final Fantasy since 6. Ever since 7 it really has been more about the spectacle and "pushing the visual limits" instead of making a good game and writing a good story. 8 and 10 in particular had some of the worst story/writing in any game I've played in ages, though they did look pretty for when they were released.

Did I say I liked Zell? o_o Cuz if I did, I apologize, I didn't mean too. I hate him.

And I thought FFX had a REALLY GOOD story and the best battle and leveling systems in any final fantasy game so far. It's just that its two lead characters were complete and utterly unlikable douchebags.

 

[Dragon_of_red]

And this result, is why you dont force people who are biased to review a game they will hate no matter what.

Why must people keep emailing him to play games that he wont like, its like forcing a retarded fat guy to play Madden or a simalar sports game.

That being said i did find it funny, although i find most of these funny anyways.

 

[wcprice2]

An accurate review of the first five hours. The game gets better as you progress though.

 

[Arcane Azmadi]

Well, I don't know if anyone remembers, but I made a thread about this review in advance, concerned that it would be completely predictable. I DID actually predict most of the complaints Yahtzee would level at the game, but there were a few surprises there- namely the fact that he broke the review up into 5 1-hour blocks and his admission that he once like Final Fantasy VI. I do find his criteria for liking FFVI pretty odd- although the story was relatively simple it still had more depth than I'd exect Yahtzee to accept, especially considering it had by far the largest cast of any FF game (although I assume he simply skipped most of the character-related sidequests).

 

[kaizen2468]

That wasn't even a review. If he was a hooker he didn't even get to bend over. Hey let's play 5 hours of a story based game and rag on it. If a book critic was told to review a book and quite 20 pages in and wrote a review they'd be fired.

He didn't mention the graphics, he complains about not being told a lot of the story in 5 hours. Hey Benny, it's told gradually over you know, the whole game. Oh and he says the black guy is typical. Bull, fucking, shit. He's not typical and you are officially the only guy on the internet who things he is. Hell he's the only one who is you can sort of relate with.

 

[maninahat]

Are people REALLY complaining that Yahtzee isn't reviewing the game correctly by playing only the first 5 hours? The fact that any of you care about his skills as a reviewer baffles me.

Isn't he more a parody of a reviewer? He almost always gives negative reviews, even of good games. I take his stuff as entertainment, not as a compass informing me about what not to buy (otherwise...the compass would be the type that avoided pointing north unless ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY).

I mean, yes, as a reviewer he does tend to make valid points, but so does Jon Stewart with regards to the news.

He did his job fine. His review convinced me that the first five hours of the game are unenjoyable, and so I won't be buying it. As a consumer and a gamer, that is all I really needed to know. I'm not going to lay good money on the table for five hours of hundrum. Even if he played the game from beginning to end, nothing would change those deal-breaking, crappy first five hours.

This was a successful review that did its job.

 

[Artowis]

Also, the story is NOT going to make sense in 5 hours. The characters need 20 hours to become likeable as you see their personalities unfold.

This is ridiculous, to say the very least. Movies make you interested in the first 5-15 minutes. Books often have a reason for you to CARE ABOUT THE CHARACTER in the first few chapters. Only in video game land do people excuse absolutely horrific character development, or enjoyment in general, with 'it gets better later' and then ***** at the people who don't want to wait until later. No More Heroes is a 10 hour long game that had you giving a shit about the main character and even THE BOSSES whose only non-gameplay interaction you had was a 2 minute conversation / OP sequence and a few final words.

But yeah, everyone is awful for not wasting 20 hours for the characters to have some personality consistency. Well played.

 

[Snipingkid]

I didn't see the hype in MW2, and I didn't see the hype in this game either, although the only FF game I've ever played was Dirge of Cerberus.
Funny review nonetheless.

 

[maninahat]

That wasn't even a review. If he was a hooker he didn't even get to bend over. Hey let's play 5 hours of a story based game and rag on it. If a book critic was told to review a book and quite 20 pages in and wrote a review they'd be fired.

Not true. You know what a publisher does when he is given a brand new manuscript? He reads only the first ten pages. He will not touch that manuscript if the first 10 pages fail to sell the book. If those 10 pages are good, he will only then read through the rest of it. Professionals don't have to commit time to something which has already clearly failed to impress them. If something doesn't create a good first impression with them, it is unlikely to create a good first impression on the reader. Seeing as how a reader has no obligation to finish any book, why should a professional waste his valuable time when he could be using it to find a better manuscript?