Zero Punctuation: Wolfenstein: The Old Blood

Evonisia

Your sinner, in secret
Jun 24, 2013
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I think I'll still take The Old Blood's final boss fight over The New Order's, as it's less awful and you can actually see what you're doing.

Old Blood just seems to be trying to fix minor niggles with The New Order like reducing the amount of bullshit shotgun enemies. Otherwise I'd say I agree with this review, though I actually quite liked the Zombies part as I'm not sick of them yet.
 

ZZoMBiE13

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Oct 10, 2007
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I never finished New Order, so I wasn't particularly wanting "more please". But this was a funny video so I guess it all worked out?

"ACH, mien German sausage" was a great ending line btw. ;)
 

Bob_McMillan

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May 11, 2020
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Oh well, if this popped up next year for a Playstation Plus freebie I would probably still play it.
 

Krantos

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Holy shit, I haven't laughed that hard at a ZP in a long time. I think we need more adventures of Hanz and Gruber.
 

Darth Rosenberg

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Totalbiscuit was slightly kinder in his WTF, but both reviews videos-about-videogames paint it as a misstep which does little more than tarnish TNO's reputation, so I'll merrily ignore its existence. Adding vanilla Nazi's and Nazi zombies to an IP which had brilliant character narrative and dual-wielding laser fights on the moon? Doesn't really seem like an improvement in any shape or form.
 

FC Groningen

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I would like to make a request like that many people here. I know you're reading the comments Yahtzee, you magnificent narcistic bastard! I was wondering if you were willing to review Crusader Kings II.

Why?

- Crusader Kings II can be more hard and cruel to you than Minecraft and Dark Souls together.
- You seem to like history; the game has a few flaws but gives a fair description of noble life in the medieval times.
- The game is deep and takes quite some time to master. (the tutorial might be insufficient) You can achieve your goals by conquering your enemies, plotting against them, killing all of their family members including a decent sized elementary class of children, breed them out, or just betray them in whatever way you see fit.
- This is as "Free roam" you can get and each game you'll play will be completely different than the one you played before.
- There's incest, adultry, kinslaying, anti semitism, an anti christ, death by snu snu and many more surprises waiting for you.

So, if you're ever in the mood of being the dwarf, lisping viking king of the "Dogbollock dynasty", then this is your chance!

9/10 review btw...
 

MonsterCrit

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Skippy, Skippiy, Skippy the bush kangaroo
Skippy, Skippy, Skippy our friend ever true.

Damn it Yahtzee what pop culture time capsule did you unearth for that gem?
And for most of you who probably don't know SKippy was the the titular character in an Australian TV show of the same name.
Basically Skippy was the Australian Lassie and yes he was a kangaroo.... yes.. it sucks to be australian.

I was broadcast briefly over here...because we only had one TV station at the time and their programming was.. whatever was cheapest.
 

Josh123914

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Nov 17, 2009
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Can I come in here to say that they new video player is atrocious?

With the old one, I could pause it and rewind the video with no problem, but now if I try to move a video forward, it says "Problem with video" and I am forced to reload.
 

FPLOON

Your #1 Source for the Dino Porn
Jul 10, 2013
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What's that Skippy? "Shoot the massive block"? I thought I could do the same thing I do in Dark Souls and evade until I can shoot the next German bonefire! When I say "prepare to die", I'm not saying that to myself!

Other than that, I can't unsee that massive bloke without laughing... "It's not you; it's me" I would say to him before he punches me in the sausage...
 

Bindal

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Not too surprised about the whole thing - even if I still would call Yathzee out for saying "Undead Nazis are so done" when Wolfenstein basically invented them in (even if it took them until the third game) and for being YET ANOTHER person that thinks that "Wolfenstein 3D" is the first Wolfenstein. Hint: It's not.
And I am also pretty sure he would enjoy the first two Wolfenstein due being very stealth-focused. Probably the first Stealth-games in history.

MonsterCrit said:
Skippy, Skippiy, Skippy the bush kangaroo
Skippy, Skippy, Skippy our friend ever true.
Skippy, Skippy, Skippy now a dinner for two.
 

Sonicron

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Mar 11, 2009
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"Gehen Sie boss fight, shooten Sie massive bloke."

I haven't laughed this hard since the night when our role-play DM drew a Nurgle cult symbol that looked like a misshapen 3-way ballsack and our group leader swiftly declared our official mission would be to assassinate the infamous plague sorcerer, Balzac the Scrotumancer.
 

Kross

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Josh123914 said:
Can I come in here to say that they new video player is atrocious?

With the old one, I could pause it and rewind the video with no problem, but now if I try to move a video forward, it says "Problem with video" and I am forced to reload.
Hi! Can you send us a description of your setup on the contact link here? http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/help

We know certain versions of Firefox have issues playing HTML5 video (which is what this player is, the web browser itself is handling the playback/codecs, our code only sets up the interface around the video). It should let you skip to wherever you want when working properly, and we've yet to see this particular issue. Sorry for the troubles. :(
 

Ihateregistering1

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Going totally off subject here, but being non-Australian I had to google "Skippy the Bush Kangaroo". Can you seriously train a Kangaroo to be a good pet?!

Hold on, I need to make some phone calls.
 

Johnny Novgorod

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Now I wanna ask Yahtzee "What makes a good prequel?", since you always know how one ends, yet surely there're good prequels.
 

Transdude1996

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Johnny Novgorod said:
Now I wanna ask Yahtzee "What makes a good prequel?", since you always know how one ends, yet surely there're good prequels.
If I remember correctly, MoH: Underground was praised for how great the story was, so that's a possible starting point.
 

Darth_Payn

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I quite liked Return to Castle Wolfenstein, especially on XBOX when it had a shotgun (I know, I know, roll up! Roll up! Give us your dish and look at the freak!), because it felt like a swan song of its own, to the truly imaginative FPS's of yore. By the sounds of it, Old Blood messed up the delicate art of callbacks/call-forwards to things that happen in the main game by boldfaced copying what happened without any interesting twists.
 

KyuubiNoKitsune-Hime

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Jan 12, 2010
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Well that was entertaining, and at least it convinced me not to buy the game, at least while it's new...

Now Yahtzee. Why do you have keep reminding us that you have a terrible faux German accent? Are you paranoid some how that we keep forgetting? Trust me we don't, we haven't, and we won't forget. I promise.
 

JagerBombastic

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I don't really care for bringing back old games like DOOM and Wolfenstein. To me those games where great for there time but that was a time when limiting hardware forced developers to be more creative with how they present games.

Video games where such a niche hobby that the people who played them where so taken back by what was cutting edge at the time that they forgave, and lets be honest here, really stupid story plots.

Now a days with hardware boasting about how it could launch your bedroom to the moon if it wanted to; I don't see why story lines are still given a free pass, to me a story line should be on par with the graphics of the game. To me a great example of a game with a good, if not predictable, story is The Last of Us; it spoke as well as it looked and that game looked great!

But in the end I can't help but think about how this reminds me of a desperate father going threw a mid-life crises and trying to hang out with his son and his mates saying: "I still cool, I can play the guitar and drink until I vomit out all of my shame." Just buy the kids some cheap boo's and piss off. :)
 

Callate

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So I took a moment to look up the "choose who to save" and aftermath on a couple of walkthrough videos, and I have to say... It really looks like it ought to have been possible to save both if the person you did save didn't spend so much damn time monologuing.
 

Xman490

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May 29, 2010
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aegix drakan said:
German uberprecision screws them over yet again!
I wonder how their uberprecision (as in, if a Nazi sees you in this game, they will hit you with shots) screwed them over before. I made my Blascowitz decide to screw them with shotgun blasts at least once, for example. That "assault rifle, then go nuts with the shotgun" strategy worked well until the horrible bridge section with not only one of the gatling-gun robots but also a big robot dog tearing me up. That kind of abuse made me uninstall this game.
 

Bedinsis

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FC Groningen said:
I would like to make a request like that many people here. I know you're reading the comments Yahtzee, you magnificent narcistic bastard! I was wondering if you were willing to review Crusader Kings II.

Why?

- Crusader Kings II can be more hard and cruel to you than Minecraft and Dark Souls together.
- You seem to like history; the game has a few flaws but gives a fair description of noble life in the medieval times.
- The game is deep and takes quite some time to master. (the tutorial might be insufficient) You can achieve your goals by conquering your enemies, plotting against them, killing all of their family members including a decent sized elementary class of children, breed them out, or just betray them in whatever way you see fit.
- This is as "Free roam" you can get and each game you'll play will be completely different than the one you played before.
- There's incest, adultry, kinslaying, anti semitism, an anti christ, death by snu snu and many more surprises waiting for you.

So, if you're ever in the mood of being the dwarf, lisping viking king of the "Dogbollock dynasty", then this is your chance!

9/10 review btw...
I'd also like to see this but I'd add an additional reason(or maybe two).

Remember when you said tat one way to improve the Sims would be if you could kill your family members? Well CKII is partially about maintaining a family, and you can plot to murder various family members.

Failing that, I suppose I could just watch some let's play videos. There is a new one uploaded at least every five hours, so it can't just be me and FC Groningen that enjoys the game.
 

Saika Renegade

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I am ever so slightly disappointed that he didn't end it with something like 'bockwurst.' There was a golden opportunity just waiting for a shot.

That said, kind of sad that an interesting Wolfenstein has kind of...devolved into this weird, sort of generic backstory. First time in a while that Yahtzee's started and ended with comedic bits that made me burst out laughing, which I am incredibly appreciative for.
 

Yahtzee Croshaw

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Wait... did he just say that Return to Castle Wolfenstein is not good?

Damn shrooms... you dont GET better than that. Even the New Order, one of the best shooters in the last 10 years and GOTY of 2014 is still trying to jump high enough to lick Return To Castle Wolfenstein's balls... and failing.
 

Miral

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Jun 6, 2008
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I don't know, I see "Spunk Notwithstanding" as more of a band name than a movie title.
 

DrownedAmmet

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Excuse me while I go retrieve my ass, I seemed to have laughed it off while I was rolling on the floor...
 

Scrythe

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1) Yahtzee's German accent had my sides in orbit
2) Really close! He had "Blaskowicz", and was off by only one letter: "Blazkowicz"
3) Not too long ago, I showed my partner this character's name. She has a cursory knowledge of Polish, and I asked her to attempt to pronounce it. After starting at it for a while, I leaned in an said "If you need a hint, it's supposed to be Polish". The response: "Whoa, they really dropped the ball on that one."
 

-Dragmire-

King over my mind
Mar 29, 2011
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Talking about nazi zombies had me thinking of South Park: Stick of Truth where the general laments how overused nazi zombies are.
 

Bindal

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Johnny Novgorod said:
Now I wanna ask Yahtzee "What makes a good prequel?", since you always know how one ends, yet surely there're good prequels.
There are quite a few things. For example, set it early enough so that the outcome of the prequel has barely any influence on the previously released games and "Protagonist survives" is the only knows - because obvious - outcome you can make sure. Assuming the Prequel even has the same protagonist as lead.

-Dragmire- said:
Talking about nazi zombies had me thinking of South Park: Stick of Truth where the general laments how overused nazi zombies are.
Let's see... next to the obvious Wolfenstein Series (from the third onwards minus New Order), we had the Sniper Elite Nazi Zombie Army Trilogy, four of the first five maps of Call of Duty Zombies (Nacht der Untoten until Kino der Toten, minus Shi No Numa which had Japanese and the following ones went all over the place) and South Park with its attempt at "it's overused"...
That's barely overused at all, if you ask me. Two series which have it as their focus anyway plus four (out of about 20) Call of Duty Zombie maps is hardly much.
 

Evonisia

Your sinner, in secret
Jun 24, 2013
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Callate said:
So I took a moment to look up the "choose who to save" and aftermath on a couple of walkthrough videos, and I have to say... It really looks like it ought to have been possible to save both if the person you did save didn't spend so much damn time monologuing.
That was my thought as well. Meh, at least the saving option doesn't change anything other than the ending, I couldn't stand how the lockpicking minigames changed in The New Order.
 

sXeth

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For additional roasting value, the final boss can also be stealthed.

By which I mean, its completely blind, and you can just hide in a corner plinking out a shot, then resume hiding (or simply not shooting) for 3 seconds while it kills the Nazis for you.

I mean, sure the series started as a stealth game, but the enemy AI in that game was better then the enemy AI on the stealth segments in this game. By the way, the whole second mission is a stealth segment where you kill Ubersoldaten with switch puzzles. The space in between that and the final boss is a decent shooter though.
 

-Dragmire-

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Bindal said:
-Dragmire- said:
Talking about nazi zombies had me thinking of South Park: Stick of Truth where the general laments how overused nazi zombies are.
Let's see... next to the obvious Wolfenstein Series (from the third onwards minus New Order), we had the Sniper Elite Nazi Zombie Army Trilogy, four of the first five maps of Call of Duty Zombies (Nacht der Untoten until Kino der Toten, minus Shi No Numa which had Japanese and the following ones went all over the place) and South Park with its attempt at "it's overused"...
That's barely overused at all, if you ask me. Two series which have it as their focus anyway plus four (out of about 20) Call of Duty Zombie maps is hardly much.
The Call of Duty mode, South Park game and now this particular game are the only instances of nazi zombies I know of as well. I was merely saying that Yahtzee reminded me of that scene, considering the subject matter.

I will say though that separately, nazis and zombies are rather common concepts.
 

ccggenius12

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Nearly two pages of comments, plus the Facebook comments section, and while I have seen several people mention Yahtzee's German accent, no one has called it "Nazi Yahtzee" yet. I feel that the rhyming nature of the phrase would have made it a shoe-in for someone to slam down already, but I'm officially calling dibs. You're welcome.
 

Grey_Area

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I think I must have been one of the ones who wanted more please. I am actually loving the game, and I generally hate zombies but I'm having fun with these ones, so it has that going for it. OTOH, it has been sidelined rather hard for the time being by the sex machine who recently reentered the room in The Witcher 3.
 

Bindal

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ccggenius12 said:
Nearly two pages of comments, plus the Facebook comments section, and while I have seen several people mention Yahtzee's German accent, no one has called it "Nazi Yahtzee" yet. I feel that the rhyming nature of the phrase would have made it a shoe-in for someone to slam down already, but I'm officially calling dibs. You're welcome.
Well, if anything, the "Yahzi" would be what people would call that voice.
Or "god damn slaughtering of a language", if you're german...
 

Poetic Nova

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Jan 24, 2012
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Charcharo said:
Wait... did he just say that Return to Castle Wolfenstein is not good?

Damn shrooms... you dont GET better than that. Even the New Order, one of the best shooters in the last 10 years and GOTY of 2014 is still trying to jump high enough to lick Return To Castle Wolfenstein's balls... and failing.
The Old Blood jsut never happend in my book.
 
Jan 27, 2011
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Xman490 said:
aegix drakan said:
German uberprecision screws them over yet again!
I wonder how their uberprecision (as in, if a Nazi sees you in this game, they will hit you with shots) screwed them over before. I made my Blascowitz decide to screw them with shotgun blasts at least once, for example. That "assault rifle, then go nuts with the shotgun" strategy worked well until the horrible bridge section with not only one of the gatling-gun robots but also a big robot dog tearing me up. That kind of abuse made me uninstall this game.
I was talking about the actual WW2, actually.

Supposedly, the german machine guns were so incredibly precise that when they took them up to fight the russians, the cold caused the steel to morph a tiny bit, which caused the guns to jam constantly making them nearly useless.

The Russians? Their machine guns could miss a cow in a corridor. They never jammed. Hence one of the many reasons why the germans got their asses kicked in Russia.
 

Yahtzee Croshaw

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0takuMetalhead said:
Charcharo said:
Wait... did he just say that Return to Castle Wolfenstein is not good?

Damn shrooms... you dont GET better than that. Even the New Order, one of the best shooters in the last 10 years and GOTY of 2014 is still trying to jump high enough to lick Return To Castle Wolfenstein's balls... and failing.
The Old Blood jsut never happend in my book.
I am a Wolfenstein elitist. And fan.

It happened in my book. And after Witcher 3 is probably the best game this year thus far...
 

vallorn

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Nov 18, 2009
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We are born of the blood, made men by the blood, undone by the blood. Fear The Old Blood.

I think that sums up my reaction to W:TOB...
 

Squilookle

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Just goes to show that even if you're getting jaded about WW2 games like Yahtzee was, all you have to do is up the slapstick and throw in some wacky inept Nazis on a 'Hogan's Heroes' level for it to be fun again.

Seriously, I'd play the hell out of a game where all the enemy soldiers were like that. It's half the reason I found annoying the hell out of the enemy outside missions more fun in the Saboteur than it was in even Just Cause 2.
 

gridsleep

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"Spunk notwithstanding" leads me to think they should have kept Osgood and gotten rid of Oswald. Yes, I would rather ponder Doctor Who than concern myself in the least with Wolfenstein.

"Ach! Mein German sausage!" Pff, you mean "Ach! Mein Schwanzstucker!" Yes, I would also rather research Young Frankenstein trivia than concern myself in the least with Wolfenstein.
 

David Chadwell

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Why does the description for the show state that the show is the Escapist's and Yahtzee stars in it when Yahtzee invented the show and the Escapist then syndicated it exclusively after the fact?

Is it fall out from firing MovieBob?