Zhou Almudena(Novel)

[TheFacelessOne]

Hello everybody. This is my novel i'm writing for my own entertainment. So...not much else to say...
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This wasn't good. I was panting, my legs were aching, and my heart was pounding. There was alley up ahead. Sharp heel turn. Keep moving. I needed to rest, I need it. I wouldn't be able to run for much longer. There. A window. I jumped inside and crawled to a corner. Voices. Padding of heavy boots on stone. Both were getting louder. The padding stopped. The voices were loud enough to hear clearly. Minutes pasted-hours in my mind. Finally, the sound of padding feet started again. The volume lowered, and I was sure they were gone.
I sat in the corner and regained my breath again. I stood up and ripped off my theater mask. Cold air rushed into my face. Good to be in the open. I slipped off the cloak and dropped the mask on top in the corner. I looked into my sack and pulled out the package of scrolls. Good. A successful heist.
I walked out the front door of the house. Act normal. My mentor?s words rang in my head. A needle in the haystack. That?s what you must be.
A needle in the haystack. It wasn?t a challenge to get lost in Zhou Almudena. Though it was junk city, and a haven for criminals, it was still a bustling metropolis. Besides criminals, the second largest population group was adventurers, mainly because of the multiple ships that have been removed of its masts and left with nothing but the deck that serve as bridges between districts.
I stumbled. ?Watch where you?re going!? I shouted at the drunken whore who had just bumped into me. Whores. They were popular here too.
I turned and lightly pushed my way out of the moving swarm and walked into an adjacent alley.
?Senka Isha??
I turned. No one.
?Adisa, Overseer.? I responded.
The wall to my left collapsed, and I sidestepped inside. The wall closed again. Darkness consumed me. The only light was the ones illuminating from the eyes Overseer in front of me.
?The scrolls?? He asked in his frail voice. I sensed his arm reach out.
I pulled the package and placed them in his hand.
The hand withdrew. The Overseer began to walk. I followed him.
?Did anyone follow you?? He asked nervously, toying with the package.
?No. I managed to escape the pursuing enforcement.? I responded to him.
?Excellent.? He said and then mumbled to himself.
His eyes ceased to glow, and the room lit up with torches.
?Oh, and welcome back.?
I turned to acknowledge him, but he was gone already. It wasn't unlike him to do that.
I sighed and leaned againist the wall. There was nothing else to do. I leaned down to pick up a wanted poster. It was an illustration of a cloaked figure running with a bag. Me. Male, around the height of a longsword. Excellent. They thought I was short. I wasn't. Always wears a golden theater mask with a knee-length black cloak. I need to change my costume. Recent Crimes: Assassination of Enforcement Offical, Break-ins of several locations, and stealing the Ancient World Scrolls. Why thank you.
Costume. I need to change that. Money though. I'm short on that. Maybe I can steal a small goblet from the museum or something. Yes, that'll work. Don't think i'll need to leave a goodbye note.

***


Shiny objects...shiny objects...People buy shiny objects. So far, nothing. Looks like I have another reason to call musuems "useless". Maybe I could get something from the ancient area. There has to be some people who'll actucally buy something for what it is. Freak they are... Armor displays, scrolls, shields, swords... I know people would just love an armor set in their homes. Though i'm pretty sure I can't seek that out of here. Need something like... A mask. It was a beautiful golden piece. Decorated with fine symbols etched on it. It was perfect. Easy to steal. No one was around. Guard was looking at a wall. Got it. It's in my pocket...and now I just have to get-.
First it was nothing but the feeling of a wall on the shoulders. Then it was the gasps, then it was the glass shattering. My head turned. Someone tackled me out the museum window. Now, we were falling down into the houses below. My pocket. It was empty. Below? A shining object plunged into the streets below.
The face turned. Oh hell... Now, all I felt was the immense pain of hitting a roof. I got up before my attacker did. I unsheated my dagger and knife.
"Long time no see, Maggnill."
She rose. "Said the troubled Senka."

(Comments?)

 

[iJosh]

I don't understand it.

 

[Flying-Emu]

Minutes pasted?

Check that.

Let's see. Story is interesting, although the writing could use a little work. You definitely have voice, and I both love and hate the one-word sentences you use. They're appealing but flow-breaking.

I'll look at it again when I'm less exhausted.
*EDIT*

I don't understand it.

If you didn't understand the story, you're okay. If you didn't understand that it WAS a story, then it's a young author asking for critique of a first-person (apparently) mystery or suspense-thriller story.
Also;
Expand it. We can't make an ample judgement of your writing skills based on less than a page.

 

[Jumping_Over_Fences]

Did you start this in the middle? I am lost. I mean I understand the action that has occurred, it just really doesn't seem to make much sense or really have a point.

 

[teisjm]

I like it. Would be awesome with pictures (cartoon/graphic novel)

 

[captainwillies]

it was meh. i didn't like how you formated your paragraphs but w/e.

story seems ok i'd like to hear more before i make a jugdement.

there is alot going on which is crushed into several paragraphs but i didn't find it confusing everbody else must not read very many books(or too many web comics).

i feel if i ask for more detail the story will become even more of a clustered but what is the gender of the protagonist? boy? girl? red hair? blue hair? what are they wearing? although i assume in my mind their wearing browns because of the grey junk world you've painted.

what does the overseer look like? insectoid?

is it in the future or past? or a hybrid world? or an alternate time line?

so i guess im asking for more. MORE. MOOAAARRRR

 

[NeutralDrow]

Aww...I was hoping Zhou Yu would show up.

 

[TheFacelessOne]

Thanks for the comments. It was done last night on short notice, so more to come.

BTW, if your wondering what the hell does Zhou Almudena means or Senka Isha, or Aisha....

Zhou Almudena: Boat City
Senka Isha: Shadow Lord
Aisha: It is clear.

 

[hypothetical fact]

Thanks for the comments. It was done last night on short notice, so more to come.

BTW, if your wondering what the hell does Zhou Almudena means or Senka Isha, or Aisha....

Zhou Almudena: Boat City
Senka Isha: Shadow Lord
Aisha: It is clear.

You will never get a fair response as everyone has their own writing style and taste. Some may love sentence fragments for drama others may hate them for stalling the story. Either way NEVER mention that it was done last night or you were rushed etc. Critics and readers never give you allowances because you were rushed or tired while writing. Before you even pass it to a web community for reading you should edit out your tired moments, you do want to be judged on the best you can write after all.

 

[garfoldsomeoneelse]

Honestly? I find it to be much too staccato. It has no real flow to it, y'know? Kinda read like a collection of sentence fragments (which, for the most part, it was); really quite jarring. Try padding it out in more verbose sentences.

 

[TheFacelessOne]

You will never get a fair response as everyone has their own writing style and taste. Some may love sentence fragments for drama others may hate them for stalling the story. Either way NEVER mention that it was done last night or you were rushed etc. Critics and readers never give you allowances because you were rushed or tired while writing. Before you even pass it to a web community for reading you should edit out your tired moments, you do want to be judged on the best you can write after all.

Oh no, i wasn't asking "Please forgive me, it was done on short notice!"

 

[traceur_]

I really liked it, I hope you grace us with more.

 

[slevin8989]

It's pretty good and interesting

 

[Simiou]

You should call it 'Faster than the speed of love'.

 

[TheFacelessOne]

Btw, if people are still wondering why some sentences are fragments, i'm trying to make a true first person perspective. Do you narrate yourself?

"As i ascended the stairs, i began to clip my nails. Then I tripped and hit my face."

So my objective with this first person perspective is to not include so many "I etc. etc."

Anyways, critisim is still welcomed, and thank you everyone. I will keep writing.

 

[TopHatTim]

yeah i cant judge a book by not reading the whole thing...

 

[TheFacelessOne]

More story.

 

[TheFacelessOne]

Bump?

 

[TheFacelessOne]

Anyone still reading this?

 

[Baby Tea]

Btw, if people are still wondering why some sentences are fragments, i'm trying to make a true first person perspective. Do you narrate yourself?

"As i ascended the stairs, i began to clip my nails. Then I tripped and hit my face."

So my objective with this first person perspective is to not include so many "I etc. etc."

I appreciate the 'true' 1st person attempt, but the 3 or 4 word sentences really only offer a very halting way of reading. Basically, I'm reading it in my head in two ways: Like a beatnik at a poetry reading, or like a pretentious Max Payne style narrative. And the last one isn't a good thing.

The problem with hearing everything directly from the mind of someone, rather then the mouth, is that it's very hard to suck the reader into it. Using descriptors to describe the overseer, or even your protagonist, really help the reader get an idea of what's going on.
Personally, I have no idea what time period this is.
I have no idea what the over seer looks like. I think he's a talking dog who always has a pipe in his teeth. Probably not right?
I have no idea what the protagonist looks like. I imagine him being a skinny lizard man who has a tattoo of Captain Crunch on his right cheek. Am I close?
I have no idea what your attacker looks like, except that she's a she, but how vague is that? Maybe she's a female half ostrich, half lemur! With the tail of a wombat! I'm sure that's it, right?

If we were reading some journal entry or something, I might be able to understand the brokenness of it all. But if it's a first person narrative, then there must be some type of descriptors in there or something in order to not only understand what the heck is going on, but also to envision it and be captivated by it. Less isn't always more, even when in the 1st person.

Make it like he's telling the story, even though he's living it. To use the example you provided:

"As I climbed the winding stairs, I noticed my fingernails. They were long, dirty, and, for a neat freak like me, that was unacceptable. Luckily I always carried my clipper with me. Growing more and more engrossed in the fine art of the perfect cuticle trim, I neared the stair landing. Unfortunately, I didn't realize this until too late. Taking one more step then I should have, I stumbled forward and felt the hard, unmoving, ammoral embrace of the floor on my face. Rubbing the growing bump on my forehead, I noticed my fingernails once more. The fall was worth it."

Now that may not be a literary masterpiece at all, but it shows a lot more of what the protagonist is like. He shows it's a neat freak, obviously. It also shows he easily gets deeply involved in even the most simple tasks (Like clipping one's nails), and it shows that he'll allow himself to endure some form of suffering if he feels the outcome is worth it. We even know a bit about the stairs (They are winding)! Plus it lengthened what, using the example you provided, would have only been a 1 and a half sentence part of the story.
Now it's a paragraph.

Hope this helps! Keep at it!