My wife struggles with this sort of thing, too. Progress on women's rights was fast, and even 10-20 years makes a big difference in perception because of how much changed, so she grew up in a very different world from todays 20- and early 30-somethings. There was a feeling from her youth that her identity as a "woman" was something dictated by men rather than women, and after all that struggle now it feels like it's being dictated by trans-women instead. It's not remotely about disliking trans people, thinking there's something wrong with being trans, or denying that trans people are subjected to appalling abuse, assault and difficulties. She just finds that aspects of the way that trans discussion goes feel like a denial of her identity: to be described as a "person who menstruates" rather than a "woman" is a kick in the teeth.
Part of this I think is also that she feels there is a gender disparity in that these same cis/trans debates over identity don't seem to have the same intensity for men, perhaps indicating that men's identity in society still seems relatively secure and normalised.
I agree with your wife, it does feel as though that we are no longer allowed to determine our own identity as well. The words we have come to identify ourselves with as biologically sexed and gendered females our entire lives are now being " taken" from us to mean something else and we are not supposed to have a say in it at all.
Being told that the terms we have used our entire lives to describe our own experience and identity as biologically sexed females no longer mean that does feel like we are not allowed to identify ourselves, but they are, and that they are allowed to define us as well now. That does not exactly seem right either. .As Girls growing up we bonded and identified with our struggles as being biologically sexed females. Our bodies do weird things. It is like how guys can relate to the weird things they have gone through with getting boners at the wrong time. Girls have our own set of problems, like having a period start unexpectedly and having other girls save you by having a tampax and a change of clothes. Girls curled up on the floor in the bathroom with extreme cramping and others helping them through it because we all understand and relate. There really is so much more that we experienced at every age that is different than biologically sexed males.
To be described as a "person who menstruates" rather than a "woman" is a kick in the teeth.
It really does. So does " cis". Women, both cis and trans, need beautiful words to describe the beautiful women they are meant to represent. Trying to tell biologically sexed women how they are allowed to identify themselves and then also calling us " breeders" or "menstruateurs" and other rude names is not helping the situation. Considering the hell biologically sexed women have endured historically due to their menstrual cycles, even being locked in boxes, abused and killed, to attack a woman's menstrual cycle or mock or refer to women as such is an attack on everything we as biologically sexed women understand what it actually means to be a woman, the identity of the experience of a woman. Is it right for someone who does not even understand that experience to then try to redefine what the words we use to describe it for us? Cutting out that huge part of the female identity, makes it feel as though a huge part of who we are as women is just being dismissed as not important to us.
So at times, it does tend to look like Biologically sexed males, are able to define themselves and us regardless of their gender, but Biologically sexed females have no say over anything. We are now just " breeders" or "menstruateurs" or something because it is not okay for us to define ourselves anymore or something.
That doesn't mean we don't want Transwomen to have beautiful names for themselves as well that define their experience, or that we do not recognize them as being female gendered, and want to help them be recognized as such. It is understandable for transwomen to be defensive due to the hell they have been put through as well, but marginalizing biologically sexed women when that was done to them as well, doesn't help anything here, and I pretty much feel like that is what is happening at times. Not all transwomen of course, but some of the things being said in the broader community are pretty wrong for all involved. Attacking a woman for questioning whether or not we can identify ourselves as well anymore as being transphobic isn't right either, especially when I have literally had people ask me if I have a vagina or a penis entirely too often these days when I say I am a woman like we are handing out party favors or something just to identify myself. Better specific terms are needed than just trying to lump penises and vaginas under the same term.