191: Those Left Behind

[Johnnyallstar]

Am I the only one who thinks there could be SOME insult implied that it's a female tauren in the picture? I mean... he's talking about his woman... and representing her with a COW....

I'm a very bad person, I know x_x

 

[inkheart_artist]

I've lost a lot of friends to that infernal game. I love gaming and it takes up a good part of my time but apparently the game took up more of their time. It got to the point where even when I did manage to talk to them they refused to talk about anything but the game.

It even managed to cause me to lose a big portion of my life, I played it about 9 months and missed out on a lot of opportunities to play it and fill that need. I've played other MMOs that I genuinely enjoyed and even play them now, but none of them seemed to have as negative an effect as WoW. It may have to do with the people on the games; on WoW it quickly changed from playing the game because I liked to to playing it because people in the guild needed me to--like no other MMO I've played.

Its funny that after quiting and not coming back I realized how mediocre and boring it was, even compared to other MMOs. What really helped me quit the game was quitting my guild.

To Logan, I wouldn't say give your wife an ultimatum to throw out the game or anything but you need to call attention to it and make sure you're heard. Maybe structure a limit to how much she plays or how much both of you play games a week. Ensure that both of you have set time together to do something other then video games. Don't let a game distroy your marriage.

 

[Flying-Emu]

A touching story. I really did feel my heart wrench at a point or two.

WoW addiction... such a topic... where to begin??

I'm a fifteen year old high-school student. I began playing World of Warcraft shortly after the Burning Crusade upgrade. I continue playing it to this day, only taking a single month away from the game.

About two months after leveling my first character to seventy, all hell broke loose.

I stopped eating healthy, I stopped paying attention to my schoolwork, creative writing, friends, family, and for a few days at a time, even personal hygiene. This only lasted for two weeks, but it was truly the worst two weeks of my life. After this week, I immediately canceled my account, and went back to enjoying my life.

After a month had passed, I returned to the world of Azeroth. Only this time, I came wiser. I came with a limit determined by myself. I came with the knowledge that I wouldn't turn into a, as they've been called, an "amorphous blob of flesh and cheetos."

I've been playing since then, and maintain a 3.45 GPA with two Advanced Placement classes. I creatively write, run a successful RP here on the Escapist, maintain a healthy relationship with a beautiful member of the opposite sex.

What I'm driving at is that World of Warcraft only does these things to you if you allow it to. For me, WoW is now a way to waste time when inspiration runs dry, the homework bin is clear, and the lady is away from contact. And that's the way the game should be; just like any other.

 

[Augg]

Well I successfully quit wow about 2 years ago,
My cousin got me into it when i was just going in to grade 7
I think the best way to quit is to find a way to be genuinely bored with it
if you have other exciting things going on around you, then you will realize that grinding your fishing/mining/uber-farming skills up to max for 8 hours isn't that appealing anymore

the best piece of advice i can give is to focus on things in your wife's life that are outside of WoW and take an interest in them

 

[TZer0]

You just nailed my fear right down the ground with this great article. This is exactly what I fear if I ever get into a relationship with another gamer. That something like WoW is going to put a 10 m electric fence with barbed wire on top between us. I really hope this doesn't happen to me, because this seems like a rather big problem.

I hope you'll manage to get out of this without breaking up, Logan.

 

[Nurb]

Don't think it's childish, it can be a very serious thing as the gamingwidow website demonstrates. It's not any less of a problem because the woman is obsessed with video games instead of the man, if it the situation were reversed you'd be hearing:

"Stop being an immature little kid and grow up!"

"I'm not going to be your maid while you play video games all night again!"

"we don't spend time together anymore, spend money on me somewhere expensive to vailidate my importance!"

"Get off your ass and help me around the house!"

"I feel left out, its either the games or me!"

Divorce and cheating on him for not 'meeting her needs' would be acceptable while her girlfriends give 'you go girl's and other-double standard nonsense. If it's this big of an issue, talk to her about it. You aren't whining, you aren't being childish, and you aren't in the wrong. A hobby is fine, but being sucked into it that much, ignoring your spouce, and neglecting chores around the house and making the other do them are NOT ok. Being critical of your wife isn't keeping womankind down.

 

[Artemis923]

This game is terribly addicting. I tried the 10 day trial and am now thoroughly hooked. There's just something about it that makes you want to just get that last quest done or just reach that next level.

I just hope I don't lose myself (too much) in the world of warcraft.

 

[Cowabungaa]

A touching story. I really did feel my heart wrench at a point or two.

WoW addiction... such a topic... where to begin??

I'm a fifteen year old high-school student. I began playing World of Warcraft shortly after the Burning Crusade upgrade. I continue playing it to this day, only taking a single month away from the game.

About two months after leveling my first character to seventy, all hell broke loose.

I stopped eating healthy, I stopped paying attention to my schoolwork, creative writing, friends, family, and for a few days at a time, even personal hygiene. This only lasted for two weeks, but it was truly the worst two weeks of my life. After this week, I immediately canceled my account, and went back to enjoying my life.

After a month had passed, I returned to the world of Azeroth. Only this time, I came wiser. I came with a limit determined by myself. I came with the knowledge that I wouldn't turn into a, as they've been called, an "amorphous blob of flesh and cheetos."

I've been playing since then, and maintain a 3.45 GPA with two Advanced Placement classes. I creatively write, run a successful RP here on the Escapist, maintain a healthy relationship with a beautiful member of the opposite sex.

What I'm driving at is that World of Warcraft only does these things to you if you allow it to. For me, WoW is now a way to waste time when inspiration runs dry, the homework bin is clear, and the lady is away from contact. And that's the way the game should be; just like any other.

I had about the same, played hardcore for a while untill a few months before WotLK. I went back a month before WotLK with the exactsame attitude: it's a game, not a second job, don't treat it like that. So I simply didn't, I raided every now and then (not on a regular basis, only when I felt like it), I leveled a second character (even though I played pretty hardcore, I had just 1 level 70) and I enjoyed the game casually. Best thing was: my guildmates excepted that, were cool with it. That was pretty important, because I've been with those people for almost all my post-70 ingame life, so I was very happy to be able to play with good and friendly people in a casual, fun manner. Then WotLK came and everything went just as well. Untill januari, when 2 things happened: I ran out of content, seen all the dungeons, cleared most raids, seen most of the quests and explored the whole new continent (I loved it all, every bit of it) and the mentality of my guild changed to a "hardcore" stance (they didn't allow friend ranks anymore, so I got kicked and the guild fell apart over it, yes I was a well known and respected member). Those 2 things combined made me leave the game, not being able to play with the people I like and basicly nothing else left to do then farming the same content over and over again. I enjoyed my stay in WoW, maybe I'll check out a new expansion when that comes, but untill that I won't play it anymore, I've had my fair share.
Bottom-line is: the game or any game only becomes a second job because YOU treat it like that, if you don't want it to be a second job simply don't treat it like one. It's all a matter of having the right mindset. Heck if you ask me, the second job mentality rather ruins the game. Rushing through all that beautiful made content for what? A few raids, and especially lots and lots of epeen? Shame really, the game deserves better.

Anyway, to the writer of the story:
A sad story indeed, your wife has to realise that moderation is the key.

 

[Sion_Barzahd]

A sad story, one i've experienced from both sides. although i've never dated a gaming addict i've dated a soap addict.
I wish you the best of luck with trying to get your wife to get some time in the real world.

I recently left a relationship with a girl who was a soap addict.
Religiously she would watch about 3-4 different soaps. She would whine if she missed an episode (even though she would read all the details on what was going to happen at least a week prior) even on several occasions she would stop, mid-conversation with me to watch the show as the adverts ended.

She, like many stories of WoW addicts have also depicted, became scarily violent about these. A bus was late home so we missed the first few minutes of it, and she was furious. Also if i ever touched her, just to cuddle or hold her hand, she would literally growl at me in annoyance.

I did understand where she was coming from though, which is likely why i stayed as long as i did. I've been addicted to various games, whether its power-housing through a FF game or grinding for that epic on WoW.
I've been addicted to WoW 4 times now, and still have an active account. To help me deal with this i've tried setting myself limits, such as only playing with RL friends and not getting too involved with guild raiding etc.

 

[Trako]

It's an interesting dilemma, and I have found myself in this sort of problem, but usually it was an online sweetheart that was out of sync, as you might say. I was playing WoW for a bit, then I had other life events that prevented me from playing it. I come back to see that not only did most of my guild leave me behind, she started a new character on a new server and had gotten pretty high up, and was on the wrong (alliance) side. Then there were the times she said she would level with me, she got ahead, and I calmly asked her why she did that, and she bit my head off and accused me of being like someone else she knew. She still plays Wow, and we're pretty much just friends now, and it seems that she'd rather do her own thing anyway.

I don't see it as being hypocritical, as being more self-aware. I've played both sides of this story several times, and I realize what might be the cause as to why I'd escape into an online game some times, and be the neglected person in others. It also didn't help that some of the women I knew were the kind to disagree or deny things, whereas I was expected to own up to everything. It makes for quite an interesting time, for sure.

I can just imagine the sexist remarks to what I'm going to say next, so I'm going to put on my flame-retardant suit. You'd know her better than anyone else, so I recommend thinking back to things she really likes, and kind of bombard her with them as sort of a distress signal; start out with the more subtle things and work your way up to pretty much giving her physical feedback (backrubs, kisses) that might trigger her memory of physical affection.

It may just be an addiction, or there might be something going on that she's escaping from. I suppose it's difficult to know which it may be and not really sure if knowing is half the battle in this case.

I do applaud you for bringing this to light that it can also affect men, gamers or not. May you avoid the mortars of machismo and be immune from flames of ignorance. Godspeed.

 

[stinkypitz]

A great article, i especially liked the ending. I play MMOs, but i have the self control to step away when other things need my attention. If i have school work or friends that want to hang out, then i wont bail out on those things because of some raid i need to do. The only time I work with a team in an mmo is when i have time set aside for that, not when i should be doing other things. It is all too easy to lose yourself in a game like WoW, its not for the weak of heart.

 

[Midnghtjade83]

A really great piece. Thanks for making me feel less alone. Though the "EQ" addiction my husband suffered is years behind us, I too struggled with the sense of selfish-ness since I was a gamer too.

As such, things like WoW Widows (which didn't even exist then as far as I know) were not for me. After all, I don't hate gaming. I love it. ^_^

 

[L.B. Jeffries]

Great read man, reminds me of that Modest Mouse song 'Baby Blue Sedan':

And it's hard to be a human being
And it's harder as anything else
And I'm lonesome when you're around
And I'm never lonesome when I'm by myself
And I miss you when you're around

 

[Xanadeas]

If you're really that worried you should sit your wife down (again) and really express your concern. Try to take her out somewhere nice, get her away from the comp for a bit. I myself play WoW but haven't yet gotten into the whole raiding/PvP thing as of yet. Mostly because I suck at PvP. ;P

You should try explaining to her that you're feel a bit left out of her life because she's spending so much time on WoW. Try to get her to do some other things with you. You're a gamer and she's... well not quite a gamer in the same respect. You're married so you must have things in common otherwise there wouldn't be a relationship. Why not go back to those things that you must have in common?

*EDIT*
I forgot to comment on something else. The VOiP thing is actually kinda common. It's happened to me (in the reverse) a number of times. I use it as a casual thing, not just for gaming however. I talk to people all across the world and often times people nearby become confused and try to respond to a question or comment I made that wasn't directed at them.

 

[Ronwue]

Heh, it really is rather ironic that finally an article about this "airs" so to speak. It is usually the girls complaining about the guys. MMOs are a lot of things. They make and break relationships more often than not break em. But still... just give her a small talk about moderation, and hope it drives the point. If not, hope your relationship lasts long enough for wow to shut down and resume your lives later. As idiotic as that sounds.

 

[Inriri]

As they say, all things are great when taken in moderation. I've been playing wow since 2005 and I know how damn addicting it could be, but I find it hard to ignore what's going around me in real life. Maybe I'm just lucky or I'm a "casual," but it's easy for me to stop playing and go do something else when need be.

 

[KeyMaster45]

I spent 3 years as a religious WoW player, I've been clean for a month. It reall is an all consuming game, and despite all the tips and tricks people give you to try and kick the addiction (yes it is an addicition for many people), the only way you can stop is when you come to apoint where you have to decide. The Game, or your real life. Most of the time this manifests itself in the form of couples having babies, students seeing their grades in school start to slide, or you job requires you give it more attention than you have in the past.

As much as I loved the game and the interesting people I met through it, I look back on those three years and have to feel that it was like being held prisoner in my own mind. Every-other thought was about WoW, what kind of gear I needed, quests to complete, how much time would I have to play tonight, is ther any homework I can forego for more play time, what dungeons do I need to run before X date, how are the upcomming patch changes going to effect me, how can I level X profession cheaper and faster. The thoughts go on on and on, and this was every day, I never had a moment of peace from it. It even became so bad that I would have dreams of playing (complete with VoIP voices of guildmates). It could definatley be said that as time wore on I truley did begin to feel sick.

The argument arises that I need to learn some self-control. The problem with that, and any addiction for that matter, is that somewhere along the way self-control is lost. Sitting down at the computer and booting up the game became almost instinct. For the last year and a half I have fought the instinct tooth and nail. A subconcious fight it could be called, a voice in my head that would plead with me not to turn the game on, but a stronger one that would whisper back a fear of falling behind the progression curve (though that was losing battle anyway).

In my time off from school I could go day with the only seen sunlight being that which trickled through the slits in the blinds on my small window. As said before I had turned myself into a prisoner of both the mind, and in my own house. 100+ days of played game time(the /played command really does make you feel played when you read it). In that time I've gone from a generaly happy person who always had smile, to a grumpy and bitter man who's heart still contains the essence of who he once was but is buried under a pile of negative influence. I lost my last 3 years of high school, became socially insecure, have no love life to speak of, and missed out on many memorable experiences from the last days of my childhood. It is time I will regret my entire life.

Under its glossy exterior and inviting gameplay, WoW is a monster that waits in silience for the time when you finally let your guard down. If you're smart person you won't ever pick up a trial version of the game, because its a slippery slope from there that many never truley recover from. I had fun, I live in a world of valor and fantasy, but I lost so much more.

EDIT there is much more to this story than I've put here. Maybe I'll make a thread with the full story in the near future. Also, any really bad grammatical errors are due to the fact that I typed it during a programming lecture and hardly looked at the screen.

 

[Kelethor]

Iv always wondered something... whenever we talk of video game addiction, WoW seems to be, in my mind anyways, the first thing that comes to mind. as someone who has played WoW, and I can honestly say...I dont see what it is that people find addictive. i mean sure, its Fun, but I can honestly picuture myself playing till 4:30 in the morning. I realize im a bit off topic, and I wish you and your wife the best of luck

 

[headshot76]

I went thru this a couple years back. this all sounds eerily familiar. we were both gamers, though of different types. but neither of us had any prior mmo experience. of the two of us I was the only one who had played regular rpgs, and tabletop rpgs too. maybe thats why I Dont like mmos, no story driven by anything I do

anyway

it was somewhat stable, we had compromised on a WoW schedule, but over time she grew dissatisfied with that.

when her professional situation took a downturn she entered the skipping work and forgetting to eat/hygiene stage

watching someone you love completely breakdown like that and not care about it themselves is a horrific thing to experience. Intervention would have been difficult because we were in a new city, she had lost all her friends outside of the game and her family doesnt believe in this sort of thing. I consulted an old rooommates' wife who is a social worker, she said as long as she hadnt yet been fired Intervention was premature. In retrospect the social worker was wrong a) she didnt understand gaming anyway and b) in my ex's line of work, termination was extremely rare and unlikely.

in the end she left, and ended up at her folks house for awhile still putting in 100+hrs of WoW a week. hope they believe in it now.

dunno where she is. wherever she is I hope she's more...balanced.

but I know what it is like to not want to give up, to want to fight for her, fight for US.

but sometimes...it's already too late.

I tried, and I begged, I used math to show how many hours in the week were left for us (less than 5 coutning wow, commute, work if she went, etc), I knew she was unhappy at work and with the situation in general, but she didnt wanna talk about it or do anything. nothing except raid.

I hope you two can find someway to work this out. from my subjective and biased perspective however, it doesnt look good. if she won't listen, if she won't moderate because you asked her too, try to find a marriage counselor who isn't 20 years behind the times, failing that...Bail.

it's not just her life she's wasting, it's yours too. you made a commitment and I respect that but SO DID SHE. and she is NOT respecting that.

any relationship is a two-way street. if you're the only one putting any effort in...then she is already gone.

and if she thinks that her fair amount of effort in the relationship is to put up with you bothering her while she raids...then it's time to go.

sorry I dont have something more positive to say. best of luck.