Sex Doesn't Just Happen
You might want to stop getting laid for a little while.
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You might want to stop getting laid for a little while.
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Love FAQ: Sex Doesn't Just Happen
- Thread starter Lara Crigger
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For Can't Think Straight:Lara Crigger said:
The answer to this is one you have to figure out for yourself. And the reason I say that is because it is incredibly important. While we see scientific evidence that a portion of our sexual orientation is genetically determined, and other parts are genetically predisposed (not the same as determined), there are also emotional/psychological factors.
Take one of my college roommates: he was curious (briefly) about guys, but his close girl friends pushed that on him until he "turned gay." They wanted the fun of having the gay-guy-friend, and forced that onto him. Well... fast forward a few months, and he suddenly realizes that, no, he's not gay. At all. It was, oddly enough, a passing "phase" for him.
He was pretty upset that he had allowed things to go as far (and as quickly) as they had. A lot of personal regrets were accrued during that... and it was because other people had emotionally manipulated him. And he let them -- it gave him a feeling of acceptance and identity that were intoxicating for an unsure kid new to the college world, and it was that emotional high he substituted for actual attraction to other men.
His friends probably really believed they were providing comfort and encouragement, but they were serving themselves at his expense. (It's no better than if a separate group of friends had tried to convince him he was straight if he wasn't, because they didn't want a gay friend.)
He was pretty upset that he had allowed things to go as far (and as quickly) as they had. A lot of personal regrets were accrued during that... and it was because other people had emotionally manipulated him. And he let them -- it gave him a feeling of acceptance and identity that were intoxicating for an unsure kid new to the college world, and it was that emotional high he substituted for actual attraction to other men.
His friends probably really believed they were providing comfort and encouragement, but they were serving themselves at his expense. (It's no better than if a separate group of friends had tried to convince him he was straight if he wasn't, because they didn't want a gay friend.)
There's no formula, but you're going to hear aaaall about them. There are no "signs," but you're going to hear aaaaaaall about those, too. Understand that if you introduce this to friends, the biggest thing to fear is not the folks that will be angry/mean about it -- they're just showing their true colors and saving you a ton of time in learning whether or not they're worth your effort -- but rather the people who are... well... a little too "supportive" one way or the other.
You're about to introduce novelty into their social circle, and whoooooboy do people love to fiddle around with anything novel! Not only is it entertaining (since they don't have to deal directly with any consequences), it provides some of them a place to "safely" try out their own curiosities by convincing someone else to take the risk for them. Take your time with this "decision" or "realization" or however you personally choose to frame it. Do not let yourself be pushed or pulled. Try things on your terms, and yours alone. Even the right path, traveled for the wrong reasons, can become the wrong path very quickly.
So, while Lara is quite right to caution you against caving to the judgment of others, I'd also caution you to be careful with the encouragement of others as well.
Man that first one...it does kind of sound that they don't like his sex lol as for the last one...it's never easy...doubt it ever will
For Can't Think Straight.
Simply, don't deny your feelings, whatever they may be, towards guys, girls, nothing or anything. Repressing your feelings only leads you to being an emotionally repressed individual. If you like this guy, get close to him, ask him out and see what happens, and maybe you can confirm whatever it is you're going through.
Good luck
*hug*
Simply, don't deny your feelings, whatever they may be, towards guys, girls, nothing or anything. Repressing your feelings only leads you to being an emotionally repressed individual. If you like this guy, get close to him, ask him out and see what happens, and maybe you can confirm whatever it is you're going through.
Good luck
*hug*Sure, but using that to break up means that sex was all the relationship meant to them to begin with. Some things like intelligence and sense of humour can't be worked on, but getting better at sex with a particular partner involves experience and communication with them. If the girls wanted something more than just casual fun, they wouldn't freak out that his is no cassanova and would be willing to work at it.Josue Rodriguez said:
I was virgin before my last girlfriend, so sex was terrible from my end. After a year working on it, I know her body with my eyes closed and she considers me the best she's had. If she didn't care about me, she wouldn't have stuck around, just like the above girls.
As for the letter writer, as someone who finds more sexual pleasure in commitment and relationship than sex (though I do enjoy it), I can completely empathize. Many girls will never understand because they have a sexist view of what guys are like, and the idea that you want sex AFTER an emotional connection will confuse them and convince them that you're gay. You have to find someone who actually wants what you do, but its tough when they lie to you so they can seem more feminine (they recognize that many guys have a sexist view of girls, so even if they want to be slutty they will pretend to "want it slow").
I don't necessarily agree with the first response - my last relationship last some seven years and it was very physical to start with, in fact, it was pretty much it - she knew I had a girlfriend already and we were up to some mischievous fun. It's the longest relationship I've had (given I'm 30) and we only split up due to a pretty big difference of opinion on marriage and children, I saw her only yesterday (having broke up 9 month ago) and we fell straight back in to our old routine, we would be perfect together if I actually ever wanted to have a child or could see what the point of getting married is when neither of us are religious.
(her point of view is it's a special day to declare our love for each other to the world - I didn't see the need to limit that to just one day and shouted my love for her from the rooftops daily, but the big sticking point was the nipper)
All in a relationship initially based on sexual gratification.
(her point of view is it's a special day to declare our love for each other to the world - I didn't see the need to limit that to just one day and shouted my love for her from the rooftops daily, but the big sticking point was the nipper)
All in a relationship initially based on sexual gratification.
Three to four weeks for sex? If you're Amish...
Seriously, I think there might be more in play here than was in the letter. Do you suddenly turn into Mr. Relationship after sex? Planning marriages, naming kids, calling her parents Mom and Dad, etc? I think that's more likely to scare someone away than having early sex, or even bad sex.
Stop putting such a strong ephasis on sex. It's just another fun activity. Yes, it's better with someone you love, but EVERYTHING is better with someone you love. That's why you love them...
Seriously, I think there might be more in play here than was in the letter. Do you suddenly turn into Mr. Relationship after sex? Planning marriages, naming kids, calling her parents Mom and Dad, etc? I think that's more likely to scare someone away than having early sex, or even bad sex.
Stop putting such a strong ephasis on sex. It's just another fun activity. Yes, it's better with someone you love, but EVERYTHING is better with someone you love. That's why you love them...
hold on there now, dont give that kid the impression that life somehow gets better after high school, because it doesnt
high school sucks, collage sucks (if your doing it right anyway), work sucks, life in general sucks, and then you die, and if there is one, i bet thats going to suck too
i hear that retirement is kinda nice... so theres that, i guess
anyway the point is, theres no point in worrying about silly things as to your sexuality, you like what you like, and theres nothing wrong with that
we all suck anyway so just decide weather you want to ask this guy out or not and move on
I'd like to give a counter-viewpoint.kreekgod said:
For me, high school and middle school were both terrible beyond belief. Just awful and torturous and bad.
Then I left high school.
Joined the Army, parts of that sucked, parts of that were awesome.
Then I lived in Germany and taught English at a language school...and that was just completely awesome.
Then I went to college at the age of 25...it was a lot of hard work, but I chose a major that I loved (Music Composition and German Studies)...and I loved college. I had such a great time.
Then I went to grad school--chosen carefully to match my interests and to be challenging. I went through my personal transition, had a great set of fellow grad students, had amazing professors, has the best advisor ever...and I had a great time. In Los Angeles with great weather, living not far from the beach, researching Weimar Germany, and studying music that I love. Just awesome.
Now I have a job as a professor at a great university. I'm making good money and life is good. It is crazy busy and I'm overworked (that's life pre-tenure) but it doesn't suck...it is just hard right now. But all the things I'm doing are things that I love and that are important to me. I have a great relationship with my family and life is good.
So I disagree that everything always sucks.
Now, I generally have a positive outlook on life so I don't see suckiness everywhere. When I was stationed in South Korea up by the border I saw two types of people: those who thought it sucked to be there, who would drink a lot, and stay in their barracks or in the bars or on the phone calling home. And then people like me. Was it tough? Yes. Was it dangerous and stressful? Yes. Were there some moments that sucked? Sure. But I took the amazing opportunity of being in a foreign country. That part of Korea was beautiful, so I'd go hiking and enjoy nature. I would go out an meet Koreans and get to know them and learn new things. I joined the Soldier Show and got to perform in an Army band across the DMZ area. I made great friends, had great romances (and some heartbreaks, too). I grew so much and saw so much...and really it was a great time...even with the threat of death looming.
Tax laws, Hospital visiting rights, power of attorney, etcSampler said:
College doesn't suck if you do it right. You go for something you enjoy, and you will enjoy learning about it. Same thing for a job, do something you enjoy and it won't suck.kreekgod said:
Just because you don't put a lot of stock into sex doesn't mean other people don't. I for one won't have sex with someone unless I'm in loveThe Deadpool said:
My life has gotten tremendously better. And college only sucks if you're doing it wrong!kreekgod said:
Well, if *all* you want out of your relationship is sexual gratification, there's no reason why a relationship based on sexual gratification can't be long-term.Sampler said:
If you honestly think 3-4 weeks into a relationship is too quick, you're off your chops. EVERYONE I personally know in a relationship started having sex within 2 weeks, the only person who didnt was me with my Ex, taking 4 months because we were virgins (and she had trust issues which I wont go into detail as it's a long story)
As for High School, is doesdn't always get better, in alot of situations it gets worse as there's the pressure to find a job and be financially secure, something that a good 80% of school leavers get fucked over by because of the workforce globally assuming our generation is full of lazy good-for-nothings.
As for High School, is doesdn't always get better, in alot of situations it gets worse as there's the pressure to find a job and be financially secure, something that a good 80% of school leavers get fucked over by because of the workforce globally assuming our generation is full of lazy good-for-nothings.
Asking a girl out? or getting rejected?EverythingIncredible said:
And everyone I know wait at least two monthsZiadaine said:
Very true, that can be humiliating, but it's a chance you have to take, unless of course someone has a mind reading device, which I would love to have access tooEverythingIncredible said:
Yeah, the column's advice is pretty spot on. Simple, but by far the most appropriate/potentially effective. It might hurt like hell, but much better than just hanging on a thread guessing for months (it hurts too). Oh, and if a girl does shit like that, you win either way (because you've just found out she's not worth your time)artanis_neravar said:
Seven years is a long time for sexual gratification - what I'm saying is something special grew out of that, something that wouldn't have occurred without those early lustful days, something that will stay with me and honestly will become the future baseline standard for anyone to measure up to, which isn't really fair on them as it's a tough act to follow but that's human nature I guess...JMeganSnow said: