Love FAQ: Sex Doesn't Just Happen

[FarleShadow]

....that's advice?

Isn't that stapled into everyone's 'relationship' handbook they get at school, along with a free condom and a note about STD prevention?

 

[artanis_neravar]

Asking a girl out? or getting rejected?

Getting rejected.

I've seen girls actually berate guys for asking them out when they were apparently "clearly not interested."

Very true, that can be humiliating, but it's a chance you have to take, unless of course someone has a mind reading device, which I would love to have access too

Yeah, the column's advice is pretty spot on. Simple, but by far the most appropriate/potentially effective. It might hurt like hell, but much better than just hanging on a thread guessing for months (it hurts too). Oh, and if a girl does shit like that, you win either way (because you've just found out she's not worth your time)

Indeed the ideal response to a girl acting like that would be something along the lines of "Oh, I didn't realize you were a *****, I take my invitation back" and walk away. But it is rather difficult to come up with something like that when you are shocked

 

[MatsVS]

As for your other concern, it's not a hard and fast rule, but generally when two people have sex after just a few days or weeks of knowing each other, it indicates their relationship will be more casual and short-lived

I'm sorry, but this is just such an incredible... american response. The idea that the amount of time you allow to happen between getting to know someone and when you have sex as some sort of textbook guide as to how serious your relationship is going to be is so incredible puritan and puerile, I don't see how anyone is going to take this advice seriously.

Your relationship is defined by the quality of your conversations, and the quality of your silences, and nothing else. If the sex sucks, it's probably going to get in the way, and it's probably the guy's fault. But beyond that, please ignore the incredibly juvenile response of miss Lara and enjoy your own sexual impulses as you see fit.

There is no reason that love can't spring from an early sexual encounter, and don't let any conservative tell you different.

 

[artanis_neravar]

As for your other concern, it's not a hard and fast rule, but generally when two people have sex after just a few days or weeks of knowing each other, it indicates their relationship will be more casual and short-lived

I'm sorry, but this is just such an incredible... american response. The idea that the amount of time you allow to happen between getting to know someone and when you have sex as some sort of textbook guide as to how serious your relationship is going to be is so incredible puritan and puerile, I don't see how anyone is going to take this advice seriously.

Your relationship is defined by the quality of your conversations, and the quality of your silences, and nothing else. If the sex sucks, it's probably going to get in the way, and it's probably the guy's fault. But beyond that, please ignore the incredibly juvenile response of miss Lara and enjoy your own sexual impulses as you see fit.

There is no reason that love can't spring from an early sexual encounter, and don't let any conservative tell you different.

You are calling her response "American" (which is extremely offensive by the way) yet you are throwing around insults because your views differ from hers. Also, bad sex is just as much the "fault" of the girl as it is the guy.

 

[ThrobbingEgo]

I'm really not a fan of your advice.

Regarding your advice to Mr. Instant Gratification:

I don't think the sex was the problem. I think the problem was that he entered into a relationship expecting one thing, and was limited to "fun." The relationship, in that case, would have been "only fun" regardless of whether or not MIG had sex with the woman in question or not. The way he described it, it was an a priori decision.

And you know what? It sucks. But she wasn't clear about her intentions up front, not this guy. There's nothing wrong with having sex a month into a relationship. A relationship's whatever the two people involved make it. The only advice I can think of for MIG is to ask the girl of her intentions and define what the relationship means to her. Find out what the relationship means to her, so it's not an awful surprise.

 

[Satosuke]

Guy gets laid without even trying and is COMPLAINING about it!?

I have something for him:

 

[DuelLadyS]

There's no steadfast rule for when to have, or not have, sex to guarantee a lasting relationship. I have a co-worker who was introduced to a fellow as a prospective husband. They spent a total of one week together before he went home to New Zealand. 6 months later, she went down to see him for 2 weeks, had a GREAT time *wink wink*, and came home engaged. They're quite happy.

On the flipside, I knew my fiance a year before we started dating, and another year before we 'hooked up'. We've been together 8 years now. Everyone is different. Every relationship is different.

At best, our oversexed friend should make his intentions clear- if not from day one, then at least when she starts taking her pants off... "there's no need to rush. I want this to be a serious relationship." Maybe she'll agree. Maybe you'll sleep together anyway. At least you'll know she doesn't have the wrong idea.

 

[Cowabungaa]

I don't think miss Crigger answered the first question at all. He wants to know what's going wrong and why those girls are treating him that way, and yet she seems to be blaming him for...something? I don't know, it barely makes sense to me.

 

[Thaluikhain]

....that's advice?

Isn't that stapled into everyone's 'relationship' handbook they get at school, along with a free condom and a note about STD prevention?

More or less...but then it's there for a reason, it bears repeating.

 

[Athinira]

Dear Gratification,

If you want to take things slow, then stop putting out. Sex doesn't just happen. It requires two people. So find some willpower, and just say no.

As for your other concern, it's not a hard and fast rule, but generally when two people have sex after just a few days or weeks of knowing each other, it indicates their relationship will be more casual and short-lived. For many people, sex is a way to take a relationship to the next level, a step only undertaken once they've gotten to know each other fairly well. But how well can you really know someone in just three or four weeks?

Sex can't build a connection or forge a relationship when there isn't one. The best it can do is solidify and strengthen what's already there.

If no-strings sex is what you want, then fantastic-you've already got the recipe. But if you want something more intimate or long-lived, then you won't find it until you build a relationship with someone before you sleep with them, rather than expecting it to work the other way around.

One last point-and I don't say this to be cruel-but generally, people can tell when their partner isn't into sex, because it shows in his or her performance. And if the ladies you're bringing home are only interested in casual sex-well, what's the point of sticking around with someone who isn't enjoying it?

Again, I recommend holding off on sex until your relationship is ready. Once you take the time to build a real relationship with someone, you might find your connection will improve, both in and out of the bedroom.

Short answer: No.

Just. No.

Sex is rarely something you use to take a relationship to a next level. Sex is the first indication if two people can actually LAST together. In short, most of the time sex is the FIRST step in building a successful relationship, not "getting to know each other". Successful relationships starts with attraction and from there real feelings develop. And since attraction equals potential sex while feelings equal potential relationship, the natural way to start out IS with sex. You don't spend weeks developing feelings (relationship) and THEN develop attraction (sex). You simply don't.

And most importantly, if you don't show enthusiasm during sex with a woman you are interested in, then how can she honestly expect you to show enthusiasm in a relationship as well? Sex is a great indicator of how much energy your partner is willing to invest in the relationship, so if you aren't showing some passion there, then your partner is going to assume that your passion for her (or him, if you were a girl) just doesn't exist, and she will lose interest.

I hate to pull this card, but for once i feel that this column being written by a woman is the problem with an advice such as this being given, which saddens me, because 90% of the time, it's actually otherwise great advice.

The feeling i get is that "Gratification" is in kinda the same situation as someone who wants a great looking body, but doesn't really want to work out in center. Bottom line is that you have to work for it, and that means working out, even if you don't like it. You can't just skip a fundamental step and expect it to work out that way.

Instead of trying to follow her advice, here is MY advice: Start going into sex with some enthusiasm. Not only might you eventually find that you like it, but it's a way to keep the attraction going, and once you find a girl that develops feelings for you WHILE you keep the attraction alive, you have a recipe for a great relationship that will last. But remember, attraction develops before feelings, so YOU have to work to keep the attraction alive until that happens.

Sure, that might mean that you will have to go through sex with some girls that you might not end up with anyway, but i also had to go through a lot of training sessions before i could see my muscles develop. It's just how it works (most of the time). But most importantly: ENTHUSIASM.

Incidentally, I'm going to post this David DeAngelo quote here for the 185474389679386th time on these forums, because once again it's appropriate:

I have read some interesting research that shows that women have a few main categories in their minds in which they slot men.

These are:
1) Not interested at all.
2) Interested as a friend.
3) Interested in a long-term relationship.
4) Interested in a sexual relationship.

Here's the interesting part: If a woman sees a man as a good potential 'long-term' mate, she'll usually hold back the sex.

On the other hand, if she gets sexually involved with a man, she'll usually still be open to a long-term relationship.

Most men who want sex make the mistake of doing things like taking women to dinner, buying them gifts, and being romantic. This behavior triggers the "Hey, this guy is good long-term material" category in the woman's mind, and they hold back sex.

But if a man does things to turn a woman on earlier in the game and she gets sexually involved, he can choose where he wants the relationship to go. Are you with me on this one?

By the above recipe... you are actually doing things the RIGHT way. All you have to do is show the girl that you also really want this (your first opportunity being sex), and there is a much greater chance that the interest will stay alive.

On the other hand, should you find a girl who is actually held back around sex, then great!! It's not impossible, but as your experience shows, it just rarely works that way if you are a sexy attractive male specimen who turn women on ;-) Not everyone have that advantage, so enjoy it instead of wasting it!

 

[viranimus]

EDIT: Nevermind. I should prolly just keep my opinions to myself. Sorry to bother.

 

[Athinira]

Calling some major bullshit on this one.Well, me and millions of others who would prove this theory wrong.

And even more have proven it right. That's why i said "rarely". And even the people who have proven it wrong, those relationships have a higher tendency towards cheating, because if just ONE of the partners want sex and the other doesn't, then guess what happens.

Listen, we're all different people, but some people have greater success with getting sex than others. When you have women who basically latch onto you at the first given opportunity they get, then you have to WORK with that and develop it into something further. If all you do is just show a lack of enthusiasm (whether you say no to sex, or just agree to it but reluctantly) then you aren't going to get anywhere.

For some, having sex early can easily drop all interest because they've seen the unattainable as attractive and desirable.

My experience tells me that in those cases, it's because the potential wasn't there to begin with, and it would NEVER have worked out. All you would have accomplished is postponing the inevitable. You see, if the desire for early sex (and by desire, i mean natural desires, no matter whether or not you're religious and your consciousness is trying to force that desire down) isn't there, it indicates a lack of attraction, and lack of attraction is a recipe for disaster.

This is probably the point where i should mention that all I'm saying here comes with the disclaimer "All rules have exceptions". But it's generally not a good idea to bet on the exception instead of the rule.

For others, it might take months to get up the nerve to be active sexually, even if the feelings are there.

...which is just like i said in my previous paragraph (although i used the word "Desire" rather than "Feelings").

If the DESIRE is there, then that means the ATTRACTION is there. Then it doesn't matter if you wait a bit because you have nerves (as long as the relationship survives the weeks where you attempt to gather it). The important things is just that it's there.

If it isn't, as it is clearly the case with Gratification, then it's going to show. Come to think of it, his case sounds very much like someone who isn't looking for love, but merely for the comfort of a female.

What about couples who've fallen in love over the internet and haven't actually had physical contact until waaay later into the relationship?

People looking for love on the internet (and by "looking for love" I'm talking about trying to use it as a serious solution, rather than just getting a couple of online-profiles to get in contact with hot women) are typically people who are desperate for someone to share their life with rather than desperate for someone to love, which is two different things. Maybe one or both of them have children, and they want to find a father/mother-figure for them etc. There can be many reasons, but most of the time, these people aren't truly in love. They're just happy to be together.

I'm not going to say that it's wrong doing it that way. If they are just looking for someone you can share your life and existence with and that's fulfilling enough for them, then by all means, i encourage them to get on board. But my point here is that if one part is looking for love, and the other part isn't (even if they're trying to convince themself they are), then it just doesn't mix, and this is ESPECIALLY true in a case like Gratification if my gut feeling about him just looking for comfort is right. In that case, he isn't looking for love, and I'm not sure he is even looking for an actual relationship. He just wants comfort.

Edit: I should probably splice in here and mention that meeting your love online isn't impossible, but people who directly "fall in love over the internet" rarely truly fell in love. It's those I'm talking about.

Face it, relationships and love are not as easy to box in and ship out as you want to make them appear.

Relationships aren't, but love most certainly is. The reason some people might not think it is, is because they confuse "love" with things that aren't love at all, and that is why we have stuff like the Love FAQ in the first place: To help them sort things out! )

 

[Marcus Kehoe]

I still find it easy to just stay a virgin, to many kids are getting std's and to many kids are depressed because of bad relationships. I am the happiest person in my group of friends because all my friends are in or are just out of horrible relationships, that were mostly sex based.

 

[lumenadducere]

I also wanted to chime in and say that - at least among the people I know - a few weeks before you have sex is definitely not too early. Hell, one couple I know that's madly in love and has been together for six years had sex on their first date.

I know Lara was just generalizing, here, but there really is no hard and fast rule. You can have sex, but before you do you just need to make sure that they see the relationship actually turning into a relationship afterwards.

 

[Marcus Kehoe]

I still find it easy to just stay a virgin, to many kids are getting std's and to many kids are depressed because of bad relationships. I am the happiest person in my group of friends because all my friends are in or are just out of horrible relationships, that were mostly sex based.

doesnt sound healthy bro. i guess whatever works for you is fine, but be sure not to dismiss relationships altoghether, cause what else is there to live for?

Id also vote for "sex before going deeper", no pun intended...or maybe it is.
Had the same experience and it proved to be quite reliable.

I don't dismiss relationships altogether, I just haven't met someone I like being around enough to date. If I date I want that person to be someone I could call a good friend first. I know no relationship is perfect and that not what I want, I just want a relationship that is great without sex and when it gets to that point sex will only make things better. I don't want a relationship based mostly on sex.