First of, I'm a pagan (and an aus fag), so I don't quite count, but...
George Washington
(Copy pasted/paraphrased from Cracked.com)
-Bullets feared him
He started out as an Ade-de-camp, holding no real rank. Britain was losing, badly and After the commander, Braddock, bought it, Washington took control of the british forces and allowed the to form a rear guard that let them retreat. After the battle upon checking his coat, it had four bullet holes in it.
So, a Civilian takes control of a british force, saves it from devastation, all while matrixing bullets.
During the battle of Princeton in 1777 he arrived and the Americans were getting their arses handed to them, Really bad. Washington Riled up the troops by leading a charge. He told his men to hold fire until he gave the word... at 30 yards.
Let me clarify, he was at the front of the charge, between his men and the british and dodged every bullet.
The battle wasn't won yet, they were still in a bad place. But Washington had the balls to proclaim "The day is our own"
And he totally won
-He was born in the best location
When selecting a commander in chief there were better options. Washington lost a lot of battles before being selected as the leader of the American Republic and there were better military leaders with better track records. His selection really came down to politics
-His greatest victories should not have happened
In 1775 the revolutionary army has the british army in boston surrounded, but they are at a stalemate because the british forces are too entrenched.
Knox wanted to go to Fort Ticonderoga, recently captured from the British, acquire all of the surrendered weaponry kept within, and bring it to Dorchester Heights to hopefully dislodge the British. The fort was 300 miles away, the plan required a ton of men and money, cannons had to be dismantled, flotillas had to be bought or made to ship everything down a river, stuff had to be moved onto sleds and hauled by enough oxen to handle the combined weight of the cannons and the sleds, and everything depended on the weather being a fickle ***** in their favor -- they needed warmth to keep the river unfrozen and snow for covering ground with the sleds, and George Washington was strongly advised against authorizing the mission. Because it was impossible.
nox ventured out and was able to get to the fort in Ticonderoga within four days, and he immediately began the work of disassembling the artillery. By the ninth day, everything was packed up on the flotillas and heading downriver. The men were rowing against freezing winds, and they only just managed to get the cannons across the lake when it started to freeze over. Within a week, Knox was able to obtain around 40 sleds able to carry the 5,400-pound loads, along with the oxen to pull them. Like clockwork, it started snowing, right when the men needed it to. It seemed like another stroke of that sweetly lotioned George Washington luck was in play.
-He had control of the weather
August of 1776, America had declared itself a nation, and the first major battle of the Revolutionary War was underway. George Washington didn't have nearly as many men as the British, and that's before you take into account how many were ill or unprepared. Washington set up shop at a Manhattan harbor and waited for the British there, knowing that the harbor would be important. When the British did arrive, Washington got his ass spanked, as he was wont to do.
And then British Army Commander in Chief William Howe decided to stop attacking Washington's troops, even though they were basically stranded and Howe had a giant ship with lots of firepower. Just fucking because. Because George Washington was 70 percent leprechaun.
Washington, meanwhile, fed spies bad information to make the British believe that he was asking for reinforcements, when really he sent for every ship and boat in the area to enable the entire army to retreat. Obviously all of the boats coming would most likely clue Howe in to some general happenings, but this is George Washington we're talking about, so he saw no flaw in the plan.
Because Washington was destined to win the war and be president, it began to pour rain so hard that Howe wasn't able to see the boats or the men packing up camp. By dawn, most of the troops had sailed off for Manhattan, and to make sure the rest of the troops joined them, Washington let his pupils go all white and flew up into the sky with lightning shooting out his fingertips. What happened is described as a dense, providential fog settling over the land, allowing the rest of the men to evacuate unseen. By the time the fog lifted and Howe saw the men sailing away, it was too late to try and catch them
-He was magic
Washington's crossing of the Delaware and subsequent Christmas conquering of the Hessian enemies is famous by now, but what a lot of people might not know is just how ass-backwardsly Washington stumbled into victory.
Washington's plan, of course, was to sail across the Delaware on December 24 and attack on Christmas. When Washington's men sailed out, a British sympathizer saw the men and sent a servant to deliver a warning message. The note actually got to Colonel Johann Rall, the leader of the Hessian men, who promptly put the note in his pocket instead of reading it and continued playing cards and drinking. We haven't been in a lot of wars, but we're pretty sure that "reading urgent notes regarding the whereabouts of your enemies" is probably one of the first things they teach you to know (assuming you needed to even be taught that). Maybe Rall skipped that day of army training, or maybe the part of his brain that deals with reason is made of poop, or maybe George Washington is just cosmically, unfairly, inexplicably lucky. Whatever the reason, Rall never read the note.
I'm sorry, but George Washington was clearly the chosen one. He had a monotheistic god or a powerful Syliph or something watching over him.
I don't know what the fuck happened America, but you used to be this cool.
