A Poly relationship

[James Joseph Emerald]

Ah! See, this suddenly makes sense to me. Reproductive jealousy - you are upset by the idea of sharing or poly because it would make you question the paternity of your potential children.

I think that's a pretty broad oversimplification which is, for the most part, disproven by the fact that gays and lesbians often choose to have monogamous relationships.

The real reason, I believe, is simply because monogamy is a societal norm in the Western world these days. There's no real "logic" to it, it's just how our culture has evolved.

I wouldn't be closed to the idea, but I can't really imagine the circumstances that lead up to such an arrangement. If you're satisfied with your relationship the way it is, why involve a third person? And if you're not, then surely there are deeper issues involved that won't be resolved merely by bringing another person into the mix as a distraction.

 

[maxben]

Ah! See, this suddenly makes sense to me. Reproductive jealousy - you are upset by the idea of sharing or poly because it would make you question the paternity of your potential children.

I think that's a pretty broad oversimplification which is, for the most part, disproven by the fact that gays and lesbians often choose to have monogamous relationships.

The real reason, I believe, is simply because monogamy is a societal norm in the Western world these days. There's no real "logic" to it, it's just how our culture has evolved.

I wouldn't be closed to the idea, but I can't really imagine the circumstances that lead up to such an arrangement. If you're satisfied with your relationship the way it is, why involve a third person? And if you're not, then surely there are deeper issues involved that won't be resolved merely by bringing another person into the mix as a distraction.

The thing is that you are thinking of a poly relationship as a couple +1 which is not how it is. As someone in a less than traditional relationship, I promise you that this is not what I expected ending up as.
There are "sexual radicals" that seek things outside the norm out, but usually it really is a mixture of chance and making hard decisions that lead to this.
Specifically for the poly crowd (my relationship is more open than it is poly), its complicated because it usually involves strong emotions that a couple has towards a third wheel that is always around them and acts as the best friend and confident of both the partners in the couple. As a triangular emotional relationship develops, a sexual relationship may develop whether it is triangular or through one person ("the hinge") with strong emotions being played out. When you reach the emotional triangle, though, there other directions it could go. Either the emotional triangle is enough until the third wheel finds his own significant other and the triangle is forever broken, or the couple must reject the third wheel and break the triangle themselves (or, in terrible cases, the couple breaks up and one joins the third wheel).
So that's just it, we end up emotionally invested and are basically in a position of either accepting the new frontier that has opened up by chance or ending something that feels emotionally significant. It is not enough to reject the new frontier, you have to reject the old relationship that brought you to the border as once you are there there will always be that uncomfortable haze in the air.
But honestly, I wouldn't choose to be in my relationship if my significant other wasn't so amazing and consistently making it up to me. Otherwise I'd have a tough time accepting her other lovers.

 

[Bara_no_Hime]

Ah! See, this suddenly makes sense to me. Reproductive jealousy - you are upset by the idea of sharing or poly because it would make you question the paternity of your potential children.

I think that's a pretty broad oversimplification which is, for the most part, disproven by the fact that gays and lesbians often choose to have monogamous relationships.

...?

Did you only read that last post? You've taken my comment entirely out of context.

I was saying that I found the concept that a man would be jealous of another man having sex with his female SO, but not a woman having sex with his female SO. I couldn't figure out why that would be an issue. Sunsetspawn wrote the text I quoted about reproductive jealousy, and I said "Oh! That makes sense!"

It had nothing to do with jealousy in general, which still baffles me. Just the above situation where a male would be jealous of another male but not another female.

I have been in similar situations. When I'm having sex with people other than my Sig Other, I take extra care with any men I'm with, because I don't want to accidentally get pregnant (once intentionally was more than enough, thanks). It isn't an issue of jealousy for me, but rather an issue of extreme care - I do NOT want unexpected pregnancy. I can understand the concept that a man would be worried about his girlfriend/wife getting pregnant accidentally - that makes sense as a cause for worry, which might translate as jealousy.

The real reason, I believe, is simply because monogamy is a societal norm in the Western world these days. There's no real "logic" to it, it's just how our culture has evolved.

That I firmly disagree with. Our culture has not 'evolved' that way - it had that dictated to it by prudish authority figures. It only comes off as a big deal in the USA because of the puritan influence on the nation's founders.

See Europe, where "arrangements" are more common and acceptable. See the ancient world where monogamy was not the norm.

Monogamy is fine - I've been in a monogamous relationship for 10 years now (assuming you don't count causal group sex as non-monogamous) so I'm not saying it can't be great. However, there isn't some societal or evolutionary reason why it is superior to what anyone else gets up to.

 

[Robot Number V]

Seems like it's just asking trouble. Like a hydrogen bomb of drama and unpleasantness just waiting to happen. But if you can make it work...Knock yourself out, I guess.

 

[Sandernista]

But the idea of having more than one partner myself, like in a three way relationship, that just sounds like far too much work to me.

This is exactly how I feel.

I have so much to do, and I spend a lot of time with my girlfriend. Even imagining splitting that time and adding another person seems exhausting. That sounds harsh but a lot of energy goes into spending time with my girlfriend.

[small]Plus I barely keep up with her sex drive, more sex just seems tiring[/small]

 

[Kathinka]

i don't think i could ever share my boyfriend in a romantic way, i enjoy being the only girl he loves way too much. the pure physical side i can make exeptions with, like when we have another girl in bed on occasion just for the exitement of it..but i'm way too posessive to allow a true relationship with someone else besides me, and also couldn't imagine feeling the way i feel for him for some one else, even if he was ok with it.

 

[Vegosiux]

Ehm, no, I wouldn't. Not because I'd be an old fashioned "Monogamy, ho!" type of person but simply because I do not have the room and time in my life for such a relationship.

I don't want to make concessions, I want to do what I want with my free time, and I certainly am not going to let other people eat it all up.

 

[In Search of Username]

I dunno whether I'd do that myself. But whatever floats your boat is fine by me, I'm sure it's good fun. I guess I'd have to be in the situation where I had the option of doing so before deciding.

 

[FEichinger]

I'm kinda heading there right now ... which surprises me the most, what with me being a rather happy single man right now. This is slightly weird in a "okay, what the heck is this gonna turn into?" kind of way.


Also: Captcha wants me to describe DELL. Can't post what I wrote!

 

[aegix drakan_v1legacy]

If my GF brought another girl into the relationship, I'd at least give it a shot, assuming I approve of the girl and have at least a marginal attraction to the newcomer. If it's someone I have zero attraction to...no dice.

I'd prefer to keep things between just two, though. It just feels better, IMO.

 

[Karl Thomte]

No way on this sweet Earth would I share a boyfriend with someone. I'm an absolute prude and believe in just the one person, I couldn't imagine having a threesome with another girl and a boyfriend cause if she so much as kissed him I'd rip her to shreds.
Maybe if I were single and in a 'fuck it, YOLO!' mindset I might. I get too emotionally attached to people and like stability too much.
That's not to say I look bad on people who do it, I wish I were a bit more confident and easy going to have fun.
I can mess around and be silly when I'm drunk too, but to make a relationship out of it is something I couldn't bring myself to do haha.

pretty much this =D
1 girl is enough for me and i dont fancy competition =P

 

[sunsetspawn]

Ah! See, this suddenly makes sense to me. Reproductive jealousy - you are upset by the idea of sharing or poly because it would make you question the paternity of your potential children.

But it's deeper than that. I don't even know if I want children, but reproductive jealously is something that is programmed deep in the darkest portion of DNA. Sure, it doesn't feel like reproductive jealousy on the surface, it just feels like love and/or sexual jealousy, but once you understand that DNA's sole reason for existing is to perpetuate its own existence, you understand that the entire concept of romantic love is just a biological trick so that I make more people.

Unfortunately, understand the biological reasons for feeling the way I do doesn't enable me to control them; I still want love.

I think this may be part of why I'm so laid back about this - if I get knocked up, I know that the kid is mine. It is physically impossible for it to not be mine - it's not like there are random other women's eggs just wandering about.

Okay. You have successfully explained why men are more upset about other men than other women having sex with their female Sig Others. Great job!

YAY!!! how often are message boards constructive? I spend the hours before sleep contemplating everything. I think I have the meaning of life figured out, almost.

Dudebro fallacy. Sounds great on paper but when confronted with it in real life seems more meh.

Dudebro fallacy? I didn't realize there was a fallacy of that name. ^^;;

As for imagination vs real life - I dunno, maybe women enjoy them more? I've enjoyed all of the three-ways and four-ways I've been in. **shrug**

Hmmm, I've turned down quiet a few, both in and out of relationships. Whether the sex is casual or meaningful, I guess I just prefer it personal and one on one. To be honest, I haven't given it much thought because it never really mattered to me.

I'm sure I could trace it back to biological origins, like, I can only bust one nut at a time and therefore only impregnate one woman at a time so my brain would prefer to have sex with one after another instead of both simultaneously. In fact, that sounds logical, doesn't it, because the threesomes I turned down always led right to me having sex with the person I preferred more.

 

[Fire_Drake]

I know this thread sort of slowed down but I read some of it while lurking and now that I've created an account I wanted to say something.

Dudes, chill.

The whole jealousy thing in this thread is totally toxic. Relationships are about trust so if you are that jealous you should be questing your relationship.

One of the hottest and most romantic things I've ever done is when my fiancee and I got nasty with another couple. I was with the girl and my fiancee was with the other dude and my fiancee and I looked over at one another and our eyes met and it was like "woah" connection. It was totally hot cause we were having sex with other people but it was also like total trust and even with me inside someone else and some other dude in her we were still the ones in love. Hot and romantic.

So yeah dudes you shouldn't knock it til you try it. All this threatening to hurt people is totally lame. If you're that insecure in your relationship you totally shouldn't be in one.

 

[Avistew]

I'm already poly, although I've never been in a triad. Since I'm straight and I've only ever been with straight guys, at this point the only realistic options for me are Vs, Ns, quads and so on. Triads just wouldn't be possible since we don't have the right combination of sexual orientations for them.

 

[mechashiva77]

I've tried it with my boyfriend. Though I had better luck at attracting guys than he did attracting girls. So I stopped for a while, though should he find someone I wouldn't mind.

 

[Avistew]

I've tried it with my boyfriend. Though I had better luck at attracting guys than he did attracting girls. So I stopped for a while, though should he find someone I wouldn't mind.

Everybody says it's easier, if there are two current partners and one is male and the other female, for the female partner to find other partners than it is for the male.
In my case, I currently have only one partner, who is male, and the opposite has happened, in that I've been rejected by everyone I approached, while he got a few dates. Mind you, in the end neither of us got another committed relationship out of it in the past two years, so we've both been unlucky, I guess.
But I do think poly and poly-friendly partners are much harder to find, so I'll give it a few more years and hopefully we'll both meet someone(s).