a promise to the_root_of_all_evil finally fulfilled - LOLiterature

[Gerazzi]

ugh...
I wish to banish this form of speaking from the internets

 

[bimbley]

Classic literature eh?

NOW DIS AR TEH STORY ALL ABOUTZ HOW MAH LIFE GOT FLIPZED TURNZED UPSIDE DOWN AN I LIKESDA TAKE MINUTE JUS SIT RITE THERE ILL TELL YOUS HOW I BECAMES TEH PRINCE OF TOWN CALLED BEL AIR.

INZ WEST FILADELFIA BORN AN RAISED ON TEH PLAYGROUN WAZ WHERE I SPENT MOST OF MUH DAYS CHILLIN OUT MAXIN RELAXIN ALL COOL AN ALL SHOOTINZ TEH B-BALL OUTSIDE OF TEH SCHOOL WHEN COUPLE OF GUYS HOO WAZ UP 2 NO GUDE STARTIN MAKINS TROUBLE IN MUH NEIGHBORHOOD I GOTS IN ONE LITTLE FITE AN MUH MUM GOT SCISD SHE SAID URE MOVIN WITH YOAR AUNTIE AN UNCLE IN BEL AIR.

That's about all I can handle. I'm off to cut myself.

-Bimbley

 

[halfeclipse]

Spoiler: Tiger

TIGR, TIGR, BURNINS BRITE
IN TEH 4EST OF TEH NITE,
WUT IMMORTAL HAND OR EYE
COULD FRAME YUR FEARFUL SYMMETRY? IN WHUT DISTANT DEEPZ OR SKIEZ
BURNT TEH FIRE OV YUR EYEZ?
ON WUT WINGZ DAR HIM ASPIRE?
WHUT TEH HAND DIS SEIZE TEH FIRE? AND WUT SHOULDR AND WHUT ART
COULD TWIST TEH SINEWZ OF THY HEART?
AND, WHEN THY HEART BEGAN T BEAT,
WUT DREDD HAND AND WUT DREDD FEET? WUT TEH HAMMR? WUT TEH CHAIN?
IN WHUT FURNACE WAZ YUR BRAIN?
WUT TEH ANVIL? WUT DREDD GRASP
DIS ITZ DEADLY TERRORZ CLASP? WHEN TEH STARZ THREW DOWN DEM SPEARZ,
AND WATRD HEAVEN WITH DEM TEARZ,
DID HIM SMILE HIM WORK TO SEE?
DID HIM HOO MADE TEH LAMB MAKE THEE? TIGR, TIGR, BURNINS BRITE
IN TEH 4ESTZ OF TEH NITE,
WHUT IMMORTAL HAND OR EYE
DR FRAME THY FEARFUL SYMMETRY? KTHX.

I feel so dirty right now.

I know I can't say much, having just redone the "To be, or not to be..." soliloquy - but what you have done is pure evil!

I've spent the last week expecting William Blake's ghost to show up and strangle me or something.

 

[Rolling Thunder]

Please note that I have taken down all your names, and Grammar Gestapo shock troops are en route to your places of residence as we speak.

 

[DigitalSushi]

Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
All of my base
are belonging to you

 

[DigitalSushi]

Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
All of my base
are belonging to you

upon reading through this thread I seemed to have got it wrong, but i'm glad, some are awful.

 

[The Shade]

I'm sorry, Mr. Lennon
-snip-

You are a god among teh mortelz.

 

[Insanum]

Spoiler: T3H R4V3NZ

ONCE UPON MIDNITE DREARY, WHILE I PONDERED WEKK AND WEARY,
OVR MANY QUAINT AND CURIOUZ VOLUME OF FORGOTTEN LORE,
WHILE I NODDED, NEARLY NAPPIN, SUDDENLY THERE CAME TAPPIN,
AZ OF SUM ONE GENTLY RAPPIN, RAPPINS AT MUH CHAMBR DOOR.
`TIZ SUM VISITOR, I MUTTERED, `TAPPINS AT MUH CHAMBR DOOR -
ONLY THIZ, AND NUDDINS MOAR. AH, DISTINCTLY I REMEMBR IT WAZ IN TEH BLEKK DECEMBR,
AND EACH SEPARATE DYINS EMBR WROUGHT ITZ GHOST UPON TEH FLOOR.
EUJRLY I WISHED TEH MORROW; - VAINLY I HAD SOUGHT TO BORROW
FROM MUH BOOKZ SURCEEZ OF SORROW - SORROW 4 TEH LOST LENORE -
4 TEH RAR AND RADIANT MAIDEN HOOM TEH ANGELZ NAMED LENORE -
NAMELESZ HERE 4 EVERMOAR. AND TEH SILKEN SAD UNCERTAIN RUSTLIN OF EACH PURPLE CURTAIN
THRILLED ME - FILLED ME WITH FANTASTIC TERRORZ NEVR FELT BEFURE;
SO THAT NOW, T STILL TEH BEATIN OF MUH HEART, I STOOD REPEATIN
`TIZ SUM VISITOR ENTREATIN ENTRANCE AT MAH CHAMBR DOOR -
SUM LATE VISITOR ENTREATIN ENTRANCE AT MUH CHAMBR DOOR; -
THIZ IT AR TEH, AND NUDDINS MOAR, PRESENTLY MUH SOUL GREW STRONGR; HESITATIN THEN NO LONGR,
`SIR, SAID I, `OR MADAM, TRULY YORE FRGIVENESZ I IMPLORE;
BUT TEH FACT AR I WAZ NAPPIN, AND SO GENTLY YOUZ CAME RAPPIN,
AND SO FAINTLY YOO CAME TAPPIN, TAPPIN AT MAH CHAMBR DOOR,
THAT I SCARCE WAZ SHUR I HEARD YOO - HERE I OPENED WIDE TEH DOOR; -
DARKNESZ THERE, AND NUDDIN MOAR. DEEP INTO THAT DARKNESZ PEERIN, LONG I STOOD THERE WONDERIN, FEARIN,
DOUBTIN, DREAMINS DREAMZ NO MORTAL EVR DARD T DREAM BE4E
BUT TEH SILENCE WAZ UNBROKEN, AND TEH DARKNESZ GAVE NO TOKEN,
AND TEH ONLY WORD THERE SPOKEN WAZ TEH WHISPERED WORD, `LENORE!
THIZ I WHISPERED, AND AN ECHO MURMURED BACK TEH WORD, `LENORE!
MERELY THIZ AND NUDDIN MOAR. BACK INTO TEH CHAMBR TURNIN, ALL MUH SOUL WITHIN ME BURNIN,
SOON AGAIN I HEARD TAPPINS SOMEWUT LOUDR THAN BE4E.
`SURELY, SAID I, `SURELY THAT AR SOMETHIN AT MUH WINDOW LATTICE;
LET ME SEE THEN, WUT THEREAT AR, AND THIZ MUHSTERY EXPLORE -
LET MUH HEART BE STILL MOMENT AND THIZ MAHSTERY EXPLORE; -
TIZ TEH WIND AND NUDDINS MOAR! OPEN HERE I FLUNG TEH SHUTTR, WHEN, WITH MANY FLIRT AND FLUTTR,
IN THERE STEPPED STATELY RAVEN OF TEH SAINTLY DAYZ OF YORE.
NOT TEH LEAST OBEISANCE MADE HE; NOT MINUTE STOPPED OR STAYED HE;
BUT, WITH MIEN OV LORD OR LADY, PERCHED ABOVE MAH CHAMBR DOOR -
PERCHED UPON BUST OV PALLAZ JUS ABOOVE MAH CHAMBR DOOR -
PERCHED, AND SAT, AND NUDDIN MOAR. THEN THIZ EBONY BIRD BEGUILIN MAH SAD FANCY INTO SMILIN,
BY TEH GRAVE AND STERN DECORUM OV TEH COUNTENANCE IT WORE,
`THOUGH THY CREST BE SHORN AND SHAVEN, THOU, I SAID, `ART SHUR NO CRAVEN.
GHASTLY GRIM AND ANCIENT RAVEN WANDERINS FROM TEH NITELY SHORE -
TELL ME WUT THY LORDLY NAME AR TEH ON TEH NITEZ PLUTONIAN SHORE!
QUUDD TEH RAVEN, `NEVERMOAR. MUCH I MARVELLED THIZ UNGAINLY FOWL TO HEAR DISCOURSE SO PLAINLY,
THOUGH ITZ ANSWR LITTLE MEANINS - LITTLE RELEVANCY BORE;
FOR WE CANNOT HELP AGREEINS THAT NO LIVIN HUMAN BEINS
EVR YET WAZ BLESSED WITH SEEINS BIRD ABOVE HIZ CHAMBR DOOR -
BIRD OR BEAST ABUV TEH SCULPCHURD BUST ABOOVE HIZ CHAMBR DOOR,
WITH SUCH NAME AZ `NEVERMOAR. BUT TEH RAVEN, SITTIN LONELY ON TEH PLACID BUST, SPOKE ONLY,
THAT ONE WORD, AZ IF HIZ SOUL IN THAT ONE WORD HE DID OUTPOUR.
NUDDIN FURTHR THEN HE UTTERED - NOT FEATHR THEN HE FLUTTERED -
TILL I SCARCELY MOAR THAN MUTTERED `UDDR FRIENDZ HAVE FLOWN BEFURE -
ON TEH MORROW HE WILL LEAVE ME, AZ MUH HOPEZ HAVE FLOWN BEFORE.
THEN TEH BIRD SAID, `NEVERMOAR. STARTLED AT TEH STILLNESZ BROKEN BY REPLY SO APTLY SPOKEN,
`DOUBTLESZ, SAID I, `WUT IT UTTERZ AR TEH ITZ ONLY STOCK AND STORE,
CAUGHT FROM SUM UNHAPPY MASTR HOOM UNMERCIFUL DISASTR
FOLLOWED FAST AND FOLLOWED FASTR TILL HIZ SONGZ ONE BURDEN BORE -
TILL TEH DIRGEZ OF HIZ HOPE THAT MELANCHOLY BURDEN BORE
OF "NEVR-NEVERMOAR." BUT TEH RAVEN STILL BEGUILINS ALL MAH SAD SOUL INTO SMILIN,
STRAITE I WHEELED CUSHIONED SEAT IN FRONT OF BIRD AND BUST AND DOOR;
THEN, UPON TEH VELVET SINKINS, I BETOK MAHSELF T LINKINS
FANCY UNTO FANCY, THINKIN WHUT THIZ OMINOUZ BIRD OF YORE -
WUT THIZ GRIM, UNGAINLY, GHASTLY, GAUNT, AND OMINOUZ BIRD OF YORE
MEANT IN CROAKIN `NEVERMOAR. THIZ I SAT ENGUJD IN GUESSINS, BUT NO SYLLABLE EXPRESSINS
T TEH FOWL HOOSE FIERY EYEZ NOW BURNED INTO MAH BOSOMZ CORE;
THIZ AND MOAR I SAT DIVININS, WITH MUH HEDD AT EEZ RECLININ
ON TEH CUSHIONZ VELVET LININ THAT TEH LAMP-LITE GLOATED OR,
BUT HOOSE VELVET VIOLET LININ WITH TEH LAMP-LITE GLOATIN OR,
SHE SHALL PRESZ, AH, NEVERMOAR! THEN, METHOUGHT, TEH AIR GREW DENSR, PERFUMED FROM AN UNSEEN CENSR
SWUNG BY SERAFIM HOOSE FOOT-FALLZ TINKLED ON TEH TUFTED FLOOR.
`WRETCH, I CRIED, `THY GOD HATH LENT THEE - BY THEEZ ANGELZ HE HAZ SENT THEE
RESPITE - RESPITE AND NEPENTEH FROM THY MEMORIEZ OF LENORE!
QUAFF, OHZ QUAFF THIZ KIND NEPENTEH, AND FRGET THIZ LOST LENORE!
QUUDD TEH RAVEN, `NEVERMOAR. `PROFET! SAID I, `THINS OF EVIL! - PROFET STILL, IF BIRD OR DEVIL! -
WHETHR TEMPTR SENT, OR WHETHR TEMPEST TOSSED THEE HERE ASHORE,
DESOLATE YET ALL UNDAUNTED, ON THIZ DESERT LAND ENCHANTED -
ON THIZ HUM BY HORROR HAUNTED - TELL ME TRULY, I IMPLORE -
AR THERE - AR TEH THERE BALM IN GILEDD? - TELL ME - TELL ME, I IMPLORE!
QUUDD TEH RAVEN, `NEVERMOAR. `PROFET! SAID I, `THINS OF EVIL! - PROFET STILL, IF BIRD OR DEVIL!
BY THAT HEAVEN THAT BENDZ ABUUV UZ - BY THAT GOD WE BUDD ADORE -
TELL THIZ SOUL WITH SORROW LADEN IF, WITHIN TEH DISTANT AIDENN,
IT SHALL CLASP SAINTED MAIDEN HOOM TEH ANGELZ NAMED LENORE -
CLASP RIS AND RADIANT MAIDEN, HOOM TEH ANGELZ NAMED LENORE?
QUUDD TEH RAVEN, `NEVERMOAR. `BE THAT WORD OUR SIGN OF PARTINS, BIRD OR FIEND! I SHRIEKED UPSTARTIN -
`GET THEE BACK INTO TEH TEMPEST AND TEH NITEZ PLUTONIAN SHORE!
LEAVE NO BLACK PLUME AZ TOKEN OF THAT LIE THY SOUL HATH SPOKEN!
LEAVE MAH LONELINESZ UNBROKEN! - QUIT TEH BUST ABUUV MAH DOOR!
TAKE THY BEKK FROM OUT MUH HEART, AND TAKE THY FOARM FROM OFF MAH DOOR!
QUUDD TEH RAVEN, `NEVERMOAR. AND TEH RAVEN, NEVR FLITTIN, STILL AR TEH SITTINS, STILL AR TEH SITTINS
ON TEH PALLID BUST OF PALLAZ JUS ABUUV MAH CHAMBR DOOR;
AND HIZ EYEZ HAVE ALL TEH SEEMINS OF DEMONZ THAT AR TEH DREAMINS,
AND TEH LAMP-LITE OR HIM STREAMINS THROWZ HIZ SHADOW ON TEH FLOOR;
AND MUH SOUL FROM OUT THAT SHADOW THAT LIEZ FLOATIN ON TEH FLOOR
SHALL BE LIFTED - NEVERMOAR! HORIZONTAL SPACE
VERTICAL SPACE. KTHXBYE!

Spoiler: American CAEK

a loooooooooooooooong time b4 moot
i can haz remember
w3n d4t m00sic maek me
and i new if i had my chance
i could maek dose ppl dance
and mayb they'd be ) 4 a wile

feb maek me shiva
w/ evry lolcat i delivr
no lulz on da doorstep
i couldnt taek 1 moar step

cant haz remembr if i :'(
wen i herd about hiz widowd chixorz
sumthing hit me deep inside
tha day tha tunez got pwnd.

I should be shot for doing this.

Thats Dedication.[/I]

 

[Fingerprint]

Spoiler: Tiger

TIGR, TIGR, BURNINS BRITE
IN TEH 4EST OF TEH NITE,
WUT IMMORTAL HAND OR EYE
COULD FRAME YUR FEARFUL SYMMETRY? IN WHUT DISTANT DEEPZ OR SKIEZ
BURNT TEH FIRE OV YUR EYEZ?
ON WUT WINGZ DAR HIM ASPIRE?
WHUT TEH HAND DIS SEIZE TEH FIRE? AND WUT SHOULDR AND WHUT ART
COULD TWIST TEH SINEWZ OF THY HEART?
AND, WHEN THY HEART BEGAN T BEAT,
WUT DREDD HAND AND WUT DREDD FEET? WUT TEH HAMMR? WUT TEH CHAIN?
IN WHUT FURNACE WAZ YUR BRAIN?
WUT TEH ANVIL? WUT DREDD GRASP
DIS ITZ DEADLY TERRORZ CLASP? WHEN TEH STARZ THREW DOWN DEM SPEARZ,
AND WATRD HEAVEN WITH DEM TEARZ,
DID HIM SMILE HIM WORK TO SEE?
DID HIM HOO MADE TEH LAMB MAKE THEE? TIGR, TIGR, BURNINS BRITE
IN TEH 4ESTZ OF TEH NITE,
WHUT IMMORTAL HAND OR EYE
DR FRAME THY FEARFUL SYMMETRY? KTHX.

I feel so dirty right now.

I know I can't say much, having just redone the "To be, or not to be..." soliloquy - but what you have done is pure evil!

I've spent the last week expecting William Blake's ghost to show up and strangle me or something.

Honestly I'm surprised he/it hasn't. Just looking at it when replying to your comment, it hurts my eyes - maybe a pint or two of raw ether will get that out of my head... permanently.

 

[ace_of_something]

IS DIS DAH REAL GAMES
IS IT JUST A TRAP?
STUK IN UR LANDSLIDES-
NO WAY OUT RELITY-
OPIN MUH EYES
LOOK UP TO THE CEILING CAT AND SEE
IMZ A POOR KITTEH I MNEED SOME LOVINS
CUZ IM EASY HERES EASY GONE
LITTLE HIGH LITTLE LOWS
ANYWAY THE WIND BLOWS I NO CARES
NO CARES

MOMMY JUST KILLD A KITTEH
PUT MUH LAZER TO HIS HED
WENT PEW PEW NOW HEZ DED
MOMMY LIFE HAD JUST STARTS
NOW I?VE GONE N PUT IT IN TRASH
MOMMY OH OH OH
PLEAS NO CRYS NOW-
IF IM NOT IN DIS SPOT TOMMORO -
CARY ON CARY ON AS IF NUFFIN O RELY MATTERZ

2 LATE MUH TIME IS COMED
PUTS SHAKIES DOWN MUH BACK
PAWS HURTIN ALL THE TIMEZ
OKAYBAI EVERYBUDDY I GODDA GO
GODDA BYES 2 U ALL N LOOK AT THE TRUF
MOMMY OooOOOoOh
DO NOT WANT DIE
SOMETIMES WISH I NEVER BIRTHED AT ALL

I SE A LITTLE SHADO OF A KITTEH
SCURED OF MOOSE, SCURRED OF MOOSE WANNA DANCE FANDANGO?
THUNNERBOLTS AND LIGHTNIN? SUPER SCARED TO THIS KITTEH
WHOS DIS GALALAYO?
GALALAYO, GALALAYO
GALALAYO, GALALAYO
GALALAYO FIGURO
IMZ GOT NOMONIES NOBODY WUVS ME
HEZ JUST A POOR KITTEH FROM OTHER POOR KITTEHZ
KEEP HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS SCARY MONSTERZ
EZ COME EZ OKBAIS ? CAN I GO NOW?
BIZ MILLA! NO! HE NOT GETS TO LEEVE
LET HIM GOES
BIZ MILLA! NO! HE NOT GETS TO LEEVE
LETZ HIM GO
BIZ MILLA! NO! HE NOT GETS TO LEEVE
I WANTS GO
WE NOT LET YOU GOS ? I WANTS GO :?(
WE NOT LETZ YOU GO ? I WANTS GO
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
No,no,no,no,no,no,no-
MOMMY MINE MOMMY MINE MOMMY MINE I WANTS GO
BEEAS-LOL-BUBS CAN HAS DEVIL FOR MEE FOR MEE FOR MEEE

OH YOU THINK YOU CAN HITZ ME AND SPIT MUH FACE?
OH HAY YOU CAN LUFF ME AND LEAVES ME TO DIEEEE
OH BABUH CANT DOS THAT TO ME BABUH
I GOTS TO GO GOTS TO RIGHT OUTTA HERE

NUFIN RELY MATERS
ANYONE CAN SEES
NUFIN RELY MATERZ :?(
2 MEEEEEE

ANYWAY DA WINDZ BLOW

 

[the protaginist]

Hamlol
A ROFL in 5 copters

-------------

2 BE, ORLY NOT 2 BE, DAT IS TEH Q-
WETHER TIS NOBLER 2 HAZ MIND SUFFER
TEH SLINGS AND ARRERS OF MOAARRRR MONIEZ,
OR 2 TAK UP PEW PEW LAZERS ON TEH C IN TRUBBLE!

AN BI PEW PEW DONE THEM, 2 DED, 2 SLEEP
NO MOARRR; AND BI A SLEEP 2 CAN WE END
TEH BUTTHURT AND OVER 9000! LOLS
DAT BODIEZ IZ HAZ ALL DER TIME- TIS A SADFACE

SHAKESPEER PROBUBLY *HEADDESK* RITE NAO BUT I <3 U!!!LOLCATS CAN HAZ A GRAMMUR TWO. IZ MOAR THEN JUST SILLY SPELING, BUT FLOOENT LOL IZ HARD! U SPEEK LOL REEL GUD SO HERE IS A PIKCHUR OF A BUNNIE WITH A PANCAEK ON ITS HED.

I believe my brain just exploded.

 

[BuckminsterF]

Hamlol
A ROFL in 5 copters

-------------

2 BE, ORLY NOT 2 BE, DAT IS TEH Q-
WETHER TIS NOBLER 2 HAZ MIND SUFFER
TEH SLINGS AND ARRERS OF MOAARRRR MONIEZ,
OR 2 TAK UP PEW PEW LAZERS ON TEH C IN TRUBBLE!

AN BI PEW PEW DONE THEM, 2 DED, 2 SLEEP
NO MOARRR; AND BI A SLEEP 2 CAN WE END
TEH BUTTHURT AND OVER 9000! LOLS
DAT BODIEZ IZ HAZ ALL DER TIME- TIS A SADFACE

oh the humanity...

 

[Galletea]

Since this was resurrected again, I'd just like to say: You're bad, bad people. My head hurts now.

 

[The_root_of_all_evil]

I'd showed this to some of my writing friends and they admit that it's both genius and sacrilege. So I'm happy.

Lotz of fullz kritisiez, kondem, and komplan - n moes fulls du.

And just for kicks

Iz truth knoledjed ovr universsss that lone LOLCAT that haz good bukkit, must b in want of capshun.

 

[megalomania]

Spoiler: Can anyone guess what this is?

NO WAN WUD HAS BELIEVD IN DA LAST YEERS OV TEH NINETEENTH SENTURY DAT DIS WURLD WUZ BEAN WATCHD KEENLY AN CLOSELY BY INTELLIGENCEZ GREATR THAN MANZ AN YET AS MORTAL AS HIS OWN; DAT AS DOODZ BUSID THEMSELVEZ BOUT THEIR VARIOUS CONCERNS THEY WUZ SCRUTINISD AN STUDID, PERHAPS ALMOST AS NARROWLY AS MAN WIF MICROSCOPE MITE SCRUTINIZE TEH TRANZIENT CREATUREZ DAT SWARM AN MULTIPLY IN DROP OV WATR.

WIF INFINITE COMPLACENCY DOODZ WENT 2 AN FRO OVAR DIS GLOBE BOUT THEIR LIL AFFAIRS, SERENE IN THEIR ASSURANCE OV THEIR EMPIRE OVAR MATTR. IT POSIBLE DAT TEH INFUSORIA UNDR TEH MICROSCOPE DO TEH SAME. NO WAN GAEV THOT 2 TEH OLDR WORLDZ OV SPACE AS SOURCEZ OV HOOMAN DANGR, OR THOT OV THEM ONLY 2 DISMIS TEH IDEA OV LIFE UPON THEM AS IMPOSIBLE OR IMPROBABLE. IT CURIOUS 2 RECALL SUM OV TEH MENTAL HABITS OV DOSE DEPARTD DAIS.

AT MOST TERRESTRIAL DOODZ FANCID THAR MITE BE OTHR DOODZ UPON MARS, PERHAPS INFERIOR 2 THEMSELVEZ AN READY 2 WELCOM MISHUNARY ENTERPRIZE. YET ACROS TEH GULF OV SPACE, MINDZ DAT R 2 R MINDZ AS OURS R 2 DOSE OV TEH BEASTS DAT PERISH, INTELLECTS VAST AN KEWL AN UNSYMPATHETIC, REGARDD DIS EARTH WIF ENVIOUS EYEZ, AN SLOWLY AN SURELY DREW THEIR PLANZ AGAINST US. AN EARLY IN DA TWENTIETH SENTURY CAME TEH GREAT DISILLUSHUNMENT.

I don't know if anyone has got this yet, but that is War Of The Worlds for sure!

OT: I IZ ISHMAEL. SUM YEERS AGO- NEVR MIND HOW LONG PRECISELY- HAVIN LIL OR NO MONEY IN MAH PURSE, AN NOTHIN PARTICULAR 2 INTEREST ME ON SHORE, I THOT I WUD SAIL BOUT LIL AN C TEH WATERY PART OV TEH WURLD. IT BE WAI I HAS OV DRIVIN OFF DA SPLEEN AN REGULATIN TEH CIRCULASHUN. WHENEVR I FIND MYSELF GROWIN GRIM BOUT TEH MOUTH; WHENEVR IT BE DAMP, DRIZZLY NOVEMBR IN MAH SOUL; WHENEVR I FIND MYSELF INVOLUNTARILY PAUSIN BEFORE COFFIN WAREHAUS, AN BRINGIN UP TEH REAR OV EVRY FUNERAL I MEET; AN ESPECIALLY WHENEVR MAH HYPOS GIT SUCH AN UPPR HAND OV ME, DAT IT REQUIREZ STRONG MORAL PRINCIPLE 2 PREVENT ME FRUM DELIBERATELY STEPPIN INTO TEH STREET, AN METHODICALLY KNOCKIN PEEPS HATS OFF- DEN, I AKOWNT IT HIGH TIEM 2 GIT 2 SEA AS SOON AS I CAN. DIS AR TEH MAH SUBSTITUTE 4 PISTOL AN BALL. WIF FILOSOFICAL FLOURISH KATO THROWS HIM UPON HIS SWORD; I QUIETLY TAEK 2 TEH SHIP. THAR IZ NOTHIN SURPRISIN IN DIS. IF THEY BUT KNEW IT, ALMOST ALL DOODZ IN THEIR DEGREE, SUM TIEM OR OTHR, CHERISH VRY NEARLY TEH SAME FEELINGS TOWARDZ TEH OCEAN WIF ME.

LOLcat translator didn't do so well with Herman Melville

 

[ace_of_something]

Since this was resurrected again, I'd just like to say: You're bad, bad people. My head hurts now.

you know you love it.

 

[Titanguy654]

ORIGINAL:

My beloved hometown, the sweetfish river running through it.
You who seek the Golden Land, follow its path downstream and seek the key.

If you follow the river downstream, you will find a village.
In the village, look for the shore the two will tell you of.
There sleeps the key to the Golden Land.

He who lays hand upon the key shall travel under the rules below.

At the first twilight, you shall lift up as sacrifice the six chosen by the key.
At the second twilight, the surviving shall tear apart the two who are close.
At the third twilight, the surviving shall praise my honorable name on high.
At the fourth twilight, gouge the head and kill.
At the fifth twilight, gouge the chest and kill.
At the sixth twilight, gouge the stomach and kill.
At the seventh twilight, gouge the knee and kill.
At the eighth twilight, gouge the leg and kill.
At the ninth twilight, the Witch shall be revived and none shall be left alive.
At the tenth twilight, the journey shall end and you should reach the village of gold.

The Witch will praise the wise, and should bestow four treasures.
One shall be, all the gold from the Golden Land.
One shall be, the resurrection of the souls of all the dead.
One shall be, even the resurrection of the lost love.
One shall be, to put the Witch to sleep for all time.

Sleep peacefully, my most beloved witch, Beatrice.

LOLCAT:
MUH BELUBSD HOMETOWN, TEH SWEETFISH RIVR RUNNING THROUGH IT.
U HOO SEEK TEH GOLDEN LAN, FOLLOW ITS PATH DOWNSTREAM AN SEEK TEH KEY. IF YOUS FOLLOW TEH RIVR DOWNSTREAM, YOUS WILL FIN VILLUJ.
IN TEH VILLUJ, LOK FOAR TEH SHORE TEH TWO WILL TELL YU OF.
THERE SLEEPS TEH KEY T TEH GOLDEN LAN. HE HOO LAYS HAN UPON TEH KEY SHALL TRAVEL UNDR TEH RULES BELOW. AT TEH FIRST TWILITE, YU SHALL LIFT UP AZ SACRIFICE TEH SIX CHOSEN BY TEH KEY.
AT TEH SECON TWILITE, TEH SURVIVIN SHALL TEAR APART TEH TWO HOO AR CLOZE.
AT TEH THIRD TWILITE, TEH SURVIVING SHALL PRAISE MUH HONORABLE NAME ON HIGH.
AT TEH FOURTH TWILITE, GOUGE TEH HEDD AN KILL.
AT TEH FIFTH TWILITE, GOUGE TEH CHEST AN KILL.
AT TEH SIXTH TWILITE, GOUGE TEH STOMACH AN KILL.
AT TEH SEVENTH TWILITE, GOUGE TEH KNEE AN KILL.
AT TEH EITEH TWILITE, GOUGE TEH LEG AN KILL.
AT TEH NINTH TWILITE, TEH WITCH SHALL BE REVIVED AN NONE SHALL BE LEFT ALIVE.
AT TEH TENTH TWILITE, TEH JOURNEY SHALL EN AN YOUS SHOULD REACH TEH VILLUJ OF GOLD. TEH WITCH WILL PRAISE TEH WISE, AN SHOULD BESTOW FOUR TREASURES.
ONE SHALL BE, ALL TEH GOLD FRUM TEH GOLDEN LAN.
ONE SHALL BE, TEH RESURRECSHUN OF TEH SOULS OF ALL TEH DEDD.
ONE SHALL BE, EVEN TEH RESURRECSHUN OF TEH LOST LUBS.
ONE SHALL BE, T PUT TEH WITCH T SLEEP FR ALL TIME. SLEEP PEACEFULLY, MAH MOST BELUBD WITCH, BEATRICE. . KTHXBYE! KTHX.

 

[Sir Ollie]

I LOOK AT U ALL C TEH LUV THAR THAZ SLEEPIN
WHILE MAH GUITAR GENTLY WEEPS
I LOOK AT TEH FLOOR AN I C IT NED SWEEPIN
STILL MAH GUITAR GENTLY WEEPS

I DOAN KNOE Y NOBODY TOLD U
HOW 2 UNFOLD U LUV
I DOAN KNOE HOW SOMEONE CONTROLLD U
THEY BUYD AN SOLD U

I LOOK AT TEH WURLD AN I NOTICE IZ TURNIN
WHILE MAH GUITAR GENTLY WEEPS
WIF EVRY MISTAEK WE MUST SURELY BE LERNIN
STILL MAH GUITAR GENTLY WEEPS

I DOAN KNOE HOW U WUZ DIVERTD
U WUZ PERVERTD 2
I DOAN KNOE HOW U WUZ INVERTD
NO WAN ALERTD U

I LOOK AT U ALL C TEH LUV THAR THAZ SLEEPIN
WHILE MAH GUITAR GENTLY WEEPS
I LOOK AT U ALL
STILL MAH GUITAR GENTLY WEEPS

OH, OH, OH
OH OH OH OH OH OH OH
OH OH, OH OH, OH OH
YA YA YA YA
YA YA YA YA.

 

[historybuff]

Hamlol
A ROFL in 5 copters

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2 BE, ORLY NOT 2 BE, DAT IS TEH Q-
WETHER TIS NOBLER 2 HAZ MIND SUFFER
TEH SLINGS AND ARRERS OF MOAARRRR MONIEZ,
OR 2 TAK UP PEW PEW LAZERS ON TEH C IN TRUBBLE!

AN BI PEW PEW DONE THEM, 2 DED, 2 SLEEP
NO MOARRR; AND BI A SLEEP 2 CAN WE END
TEH BUTTHURT AND OVER 9000! LOLS
DAT BODIEZ IZ HAZ ALL DER TIME- TIS A SADFACE

BRB, LOLING FOREVER.