a promise to the_root_of_all_evil finally fulfilled - LOLiterature

[oliveira8]

As a professional reader(Yes my ego is so huge I consider my self professional reader) this thread deeply offends me.

Then I feel stupid cause I can't read LOLcat speak/writing.

And I hate everyone on this thread very much.

 

[scarbunny]

Spoiler: T3H R4V3NZ

ONCE UPON MIDNITE DREARY, WHILE I PONDERED WEKK AND WEARY,
OVR MANY QUAINT AND CURIOUZ VOLUME OF FORGOTTEN LORE,
WHILE I NODDED, NEARLY NAPPIN, SUDDENLY THERE CAME TAPPIN,
AZ OF SUM ONE GENTLY RAPPIN, RAPPINS AT MUH CHAMBR DOOR.
`TIZ SUM VISITOR, I MUTTERED, `TAPPINS AT MUH CHAMBR DOOR -
ONLY THIZ, AND NUDDINS MOAR. AH, DISTINCTLY I REMEMBR IT WAZ IN TEH BLEKK DECEMBR,
AND EACH SEPARATE DYINS EMBR WROUGHT ITZ GHOST UPON TEH FLOOR.
EUJRLY I WISHED TEH MORROW; - VAINLY I HAD SOUGHT TO BORROW
FROM MUH BOOKZ SURCEEZ OF SORROW - SORROW 4 TEH LOST LENORE -
4 TEH RAR AND RADIANT MAIDEN HOOM TEH ANGELZ NAMED LENORE -
NAMELESZ HERE 4 EVERMOAR. AND TEH SILKEN SAD UNCERTAIN RUSTLIN OF EACH PURPLE CURTAIN
THRILLED ME - FILLED ME WITH FANTASTIC TERRORZ NEVR FELT BEFURE;
SO THAT NOW, T STILL TEH BEATIN OF MUH HEART, I STOOD REPEATIN
`TIZ SUM VISITOR ENTREATIN ENTRANCE AT MAH CHAMBR DOOR -
SUM LATE VISITOR ENTREATIN ENTRANCE AT MUH CHAMBR DOOR; -
THIZ IT AR TEH, AND NUDDINS MOAR, PRESENTLY MUH SOUL GREW STRONGR; HESITATIN THEN NO LONGR,
`SIR, SAID I, `OR MADAM, TRULY YORE FRGIVENESZ I IMPLORE;
BUT TEH FACT AR I WAZ NAPPIN, AND SO GENTLY YOUZ CAME RAPPIN,
AND SO FAINTLY YOO CAME TAPPIN, TAPPIN AT MAH CHAMBR DOOR,
THAT I SCARCE WAZ SHUR I HEARD YOO - HERE I OPENED WIDE TEH DOOR; -
DARKNESZ THERE, AND NUDDIN MOAR. DEEP INTO THAT DARKNESZ PEERIN, LONG I STOOD THERE WONDERIN, FEARIN,
DOUBTIN, DREAMINS DREAMZ NO MORTAL EVR DARD T DREAM BE4E
BUT TEH SILENCE WAZ UNBROKEN, AND TEH DARKNESZ GAVE NO TOKEN,
AND TEH ONLY WORD THERE SPOKEN WAZ TEH WHISPERED WORD, `LENORE!
THIZ I WHISPERED, AND AN ECHO MURMURED BACK TEH WORD, `LENORE!
MERELY THIZ AND NUDDIN MOAR. BACK INTO TEH CHAMBR TURNIN, ALL MUH SOUL WITHIN ME BURNIN,
SOON AGAIN I HEARD TAPPINS SOMEWUT LOUDR THAN BE4E.
`SURELY, SAID I, `SURELY THAT AR SOMETHIN AT MUH WINDOW LATTICE;
LET ME SEE THEN, WUT THEREAT AR, AND THIZ MUHSTERY EXPLORE -
LET MUH HEART BE STILL MOMENT AND THIZ MAHSTERY EXPLORE; -
TIZ TEH WIND AND NUDDINS MOAR! OPEN HERE I FLUNG TEH SHUTTR, WHEN, WITH MANY FLIRT AND FLUTTR,
IN THERE STEPPED STATELY RAVEN OF TEH SAINTLY DAYZ OF YORE.
NOT TEH LEAST OBEISANCE MADE HE; NOT MINUTE STOPPED OR STAYED HE;
BUT, WITH MIEN OV LORD OR LADY, PERCHED ABOVE MAH CHAMBR DOOR -
PERCHED UPON BUST OV PALLAZ JUS ABOOVE MAH CHAMBR DOOR -
PERCHED, AND SAT, AND NUDDIN MOAR. THEN THIZ EBONY BIRD BEGUILIN MAH SAD FANCY INTO SMILIN,
BY TEH GRAVE AND STERN DECORUM OV TEH COUNTENANCE IT WORE,
`THOUGH THY CREST BE SHORN AND SHAVEN, THOU, I SAID, `ART SHUR NO CRAVEN.
GHASTLY GRIM AND ANCIENT RAVEN WANDERINS FROM TEH NITELY SHORE -
TELL ME WUT THY LORDLY NAME AR TEH ON TEH NITEZ PLUTONIAN SHORE!
QUUDD TEH RAVEN, `NEVERMOAR. MUCH I MARVELLED THIZ UNGAINLY FOWL TO HEAR DISCOURSE SO PLAINLY,
THOUGH ITZ ANSWR LITTLE MEANINS - LITTLE RELEVANCY BORE;
FOR WE CANNOT HELP AGREEINS THAT NO LIVIN HUMAN BEINS
EVR YET WAZ BLESSED WITH SEEINS BIRD ABOVE HIZ CHAMBR DOOR -
BIRD OR BEAST ABUV TEH SCULPCHURD BUST ABOOVE HIZ CHAMBR DOOR,
WITH SUCH NAME AZ `NEVERMOAR. BUT TEH RAVEN, SITTIN LONELY ON TEH PLACID BUST, SPOKE ONLY,
THAT ONE WORD, AZ IF HIZ SOUL IN THAT ONE WORD HE DID OUTPOUR.
NUDDIN FURTHR THEN HE UTTERED - NOT FEATHR THEN HE FLUTTERED -
TILL I SCARCELY MOAR THAN MUTTERED `UDDR FRIENDZ HAVE FLOWN BEFURE -
ON TEH MORROW HE WILL LEAVE ME, AZ MUH HOPEZ HAVE FLOWN BEFORE.
THEN TEH BIRD SAID, `NEVERMOAR. STARTLED AT TEH STILLNESZ BROKEN BY REPLY SO APTLY SPOKEN,
`DOUBTLESZ, SAID I, `WUT IT UTTERZ AR TEH ITZ ONLY STOCK AND STORE,
CAUGHT FROM SUM UNHAPPY MASTR HOOM UNMERCIFUL DISASTR
FOLLOWED FAST AND FOLLOWED FASTR TILL HIZ SONGZ ONE BURDEN BORE -
TILL TEH DIRGEZ OF HIZ HOPE THAT MELANCHOLY BURDEN BORE
OF "NEVR-NEVERMOAR." BUT TEH RAVEN STILL BEGUILINS ALL MAH SAD SOUL INTO SMILIN,
STRAITE I WHEELED CUSHIONED SEAT IN FRONT OF BIRD AND BUST AND DOOR;
THEN, UPON TEH VELVET SINKINS, I BETOK MAHSELF T LINKINS
FANCY UNTO FANCY, THINKIN WHUT THIZ OMINOUZ BIRD OF YORE -
WUT THIZ GRIM, UNGAINLY, GHASTLY, GAUNT, AND OMINOUZ BIRD OF YORE
MEANT IN CROAKIN `NEVERMOAR. THIZ I SAT ENGUJD IN GUESSINS, BUT NO SYLLABLE EXPRESSINS
T TEH FOWL HOOSE FIERY EYEZ NOW BURNED INTO MAH BOSOMZ CORE;
THIZ AND MOAR I SAT DIVININS, WITH MUH HEDD AT EEZ RECLININ
ON TEH CUSHIONZ VELVET LININ THAT TEH LAMP-LITE GLOATED OR,
BUT HOOSE VELVET VIOLET LININ WITH TEH LAMP-LITE GLOATIN OR,
SHE SHALL PRESZ, AH, NEVERMOAR! THEN, METHOUGHT, TEH AIR GREW DENSR, PERFUMED FROM AN UNSEEN CENSR
SWUNG BY SERAFIM HOOSE FOOT-FALLZ TINKLED ON TEH TUFTED FLOOR.
`WRETCH, I CRIED, `THY GOD HATH LENT THEE - BY THEEZ ANGELZ HE HAZ SENT THEE
RESPITE - RESPITE AND NEPENTEH FROM THY MEMORIEZ OF LENORE!
QUAFF, OHZ QUAFF THIZ KIND NEPENTEH, AND FRGET THIZ LOST LENORE!
QUUDD TEH RAVEN, `NEVERMOAR. `PROFET! SAID I, `THINS OF EVIL! - PROFET STILL, IF BIRD OR DEVIL! -
WHETHR TEMPTR SENT, OR WHETHR TEMPEST TOSSED THEE HERE ASHORE,
DESOLATE YET ALL UNDAUNTED, ON THIZ DESERT LAND ENCHANTED -
ON THIZ HUM BY HORROR HAUNTED - TELL ME TRULY, I IMPLORE -
AR THERE - AR TEH THERE BALM IN GILEDD? - TELL ME - TELL ME, I IMPLORE!
QUUDD TEH RAVEN, `NEVERMOAR. `PROFET! SAID I, `THINS OF EVIL! - PROFET STILL, IF BIRD OR DEVIL!
BY THAT HEAVEN THAT BENDZ ABUUV UZ - BY THAT GOD WE BUDD ADORE -
TELL THIZ SOUL WITH SORROW LADEN IF, WITHIN TEH DISTANT AIDENN,
IT SHALL CLASP SAINTED MAIDEN HOOM TEH ANGELZ NAMED LENORE -
CLASP RIS AND RADIANT MAIDEN, HOOM TEH ANGELZ NAMED LENORE?
QUUDD TEH RAVEN, `NEVERMOAR. `BE THAT WORD OUR SIGN OF PARTINS, BIRD OR FIEND! I SHRIEKED UPSTARTIN -
`GET THEE BACK INTO TEH TEMPEST AND TEH NITEZ PLUTONIAN SHORE!
LEAVE NO BLACK PLUME AZ TOKEN OF THAT LIE THY SOUL HATH SPOKEN!
LEAVE MAH LONELINESZ UNBROKEN! - QUIT TEH BUST ABUUV MAH DOOR!
TAKE THY BEKK FROM OUT MUH HEART, AND TAKE THY FOARM FROM OFF MAH DOOR!
QUUDD TEH RAVEN, `NEVERMOAR. AND TEH RAVEN, NEVR FLITTIN, STILL AR TEH SITTINS, STILL AR TEH SITTINS
ON TEH PALLID BUST OF PALLAZ JUS ABUUV MAH CHAMBR DOOR;
AND HIZ EYEZ HAVE ALL TEH SEEMINS OF DEMONZ THAT AR TEH DREAMINS,
AND TEH LAMP-LITE OR HIM STREAMINS THROWZ HIZ SHADOW ON TEH FLOOR;
AND MUH SOUL FROM OUT THAT SHADOW THAT LIEZ FLOATIN ON TEH FLOOR
SHALL BE LIFTED - NEVERMOAR! HORIZONTAL SPACE
VERTICAL SPACE. KTHXBYE!

Spoiler: American CAEK

a loooooooooooooooong time b4 moot
i can haz remember
w3n d4t m00sic maek me
and i new if i had my chance
i could maek dose ppl dance
and mayb they'd be ) 4 a wile

feb maek me shiva
w/ evry lolcat i delivr
no lulz on da doorstep
i couldnt taek 1 moar step

cant haz remembr if i :'(
wen i herd about hiz widowd chixorz
sumthing hit me deep inside
tha day tha tunez got pwnd.

I should be shot for doing this.

Poe is still fantastic even in LOLZ

 

[Mackinator]

WUT TEH GRASZ AR TEH THIZ LOLCAT SPEKK?

SO! Someone else must take the challenge and translate Poe's The Raven.

I will take the challenge.
Ok i'll only do three verses.
ONCE UPON MIDNITE DREARY, WHILE I PONDERED WEKK AND WEARY,
OVR MANY QUAINT AND CURIOUZ VOLUME OF 4GOTTEN LORE,
WHILE I NODDED, NEARLY NAPPIN, SUDDENLY THERE CAME TAPPIN,
AZ OF SUM ONE GENTLY RAPPINS, RAPPIN AT MUH CHAMBR DOOR.
`TIZ SUM VISITOR, I MUTTERED, `TAPPINS AT MUH CHAMBR DOOR -
ONLY THIZ, AND NUDDINS MOAR. AH, DISTINCTLY I REMEMBR IT WAZ IN TEH BLEKK DECEMBR,
AND EACH SEPARATE DYINS EMBR WROUGHT ITZ GHOST UPON TEH FLOOR.
EUJRLY I WISHED TEH MORROW; - VAINLY I HAD SOUGHT T BORROW
FROM MAH BOOKZ SURCEEZ OF SORROW - SORROW FOR TEH LOST LENORE -
FOR TEH RIS AND RADIANT MAIDEN HOOM TEH ANGELZ NAMED LENORE -
NAMELESZ HERE FUR EVERMOAR. AND TEH SILKEN SAD UNCERTAIN RUSTLIN OF EACH PURPLE CURTAIN
THRILLED ME - FILLED ME WITH FANTASTIC TERRORZ NEVR FELT BEFOAR;
SO THAT NOW, T STILL TEH BEATINS OV MUH HEART, I STOOD REPEATINS
`TIZ SUM VISITOR ENTREATINS ENTRANCE AT MUH CHAMBR DOOR -
SUM LATE VISITOR ENTREATIN ENTRANCE AT MUH CHAMBR DOOR; -
THIZ IT AR TEH, AND NUDDIN MOAR,

 

[mshcherbatskaya]

Hamlol
A ROFL in 5 copters

-------------

2 BE, ORLY NOT 2 BE, DAT IS TEH Q-
WETHER TIS NOBLER 2 HAZ MIND SUFFER
TEH SLINGS AND ARRERS OF MOAARRRR MONIEZ,
OR 2 TAK UP PEW PEW LAZERS ON TEH C IN TRUBBLE!

AN BI PEW PEW DONE THEM, 2 DED, 2 SLEEP
NO MOARRR; AND BI A SLEEP 2 CAN WE END
TEH BUTTHURT AND OVER 9000! LOLS
DAT BODIEZ IZ HAZ ALL DER TIME- TIS A SADFACE

SHAKESPEER PROBUBLY *HEADDESK* RITE NAO BUT I <3 U!!!LOLCATS CAN HAZ A GRAMMUR TWO. IZ MOAR THEN JUST SILLY SPELING, BUT FLOOENT LOL IZ HARD! U SPEEK LOL REEL GUD SO HERE IS A PIKCHUR OF A BUNNIE WITH A PANCAEK ON ITS HED.

 

[H.R.Shovenstuff]

Oh my fucking god this is the gayest thing ever. And I thought that Doctor Who dude was cool. You too Labyrinth.

Satire is best served on the end of a red-hot poker.

I wish I was smart enough to understand that.

 

[Ophiuchus]

Since I still have the quote in my clipboard after posting it elsewhere...

Spoiler

TEH MOMENT ONE DEFINITELY COMMITZ ONESELF, THEN PROVIDENCE MOVEZ 2. ALL SORTZ OF THINGZ OCCUR TO HELP ONE THAT WOULD NEVR UDDERWISE HAVE OCCURRED. HOOLE STREAM OV EVENTZ ISSUEZ FROM TEH DECISHUN, RAISIN IN ONEZ FAVOR ALL MANNR OF UNFURESEEN INCIDENTZ AND MEETINGZ AND MATERIAL ASSISTANCE WHICH NO MAN COULD HAVE DREAMED WOULD HAVE CUM HIZ WAY. WUTEVR U CAN DO OR DREAM YU CAN, BEGIN IT. BOLDNESZ HAZ GENIUZ, POWR AND MAGIC IN IT. BEGIN IT NOW. NEVR CONTRADICT. NEVR EXPLAIN. NEVR APOLOGISE.

Yeesh. I love lolcats as much as the next person, but gawd, too much lolspeak makes my brain hurt.

 

[The Political Gamer]

We h@s develp teh meme.

 

[ElephantGuts]

I think I'm going to be sick.

Oh wait, I was nauseous before I found this thread.

Still, though...

 

[Agent Larkin]

This is madness!!! NO THIS IS SPARTA sorry but whenever I or someone else says that I have to say the sparta thing

I won't contribute to this but I challenge one of you to LOLCAT "American Pie" by Don McClean.

-Edit- Sorry about the American Pie thing ignore it Labyrinth already did it I just wasn't paying attention.

 

[ad5x5]

De time haz cum,
de walrus sed,
to talk ov meny fings,
ov shu,s 'n' ships 'n' sealin' wacks,
ov cabajes n kings

-A

 

[Cuniculus]

"Tho I walk trew the valley ob da shadoe of def, I shall feer no ebil."

That actually hurt to write.

 

[Vanguard_Ex]

Original: When Hell is full, the dead shall walk the Earth
Lolcat: WHEN HELL AR TEH FULL, TEH DEDD SHALL WALK TEH EARTH

Lulz

 

[The Infamous Scamola]

"Five stars! The slaughter of classic literature has never been so much fun!"
---------------------------------------------------------------- The infamous SCAMola, The Escapist

 

[The Infamous Scamola]

I can haz blood dey sey. Blood can haz blood. KTHXBYE!

I... I feel soiled. I am sorry Shakespeare! ;.;

Nooo, the dancing Judas is upon us!

I should hang myself for knowing that.

 

[Internet Kraken]

IZ THIS A DUGGUR I SEEZ?!?!
THE HANDLEZ TO MY HAND?!?! I TAKEZ IT
BUT I DUN FEELZ IT YET ITZ STILL THAR
IS IT NOT REALZ?!
I HAS DAGGER? OR IS IT A PHOTOSHOP!?!?
ITS STILL THAR AND ITS REALLY KEWL
IT TELLS ME TO KILL SOME DUDE
AND ITS COVERED IN BLOOD
DONT REMEMBAR THAT, BUT ITS KEWL
I GOTTZ TO SLEEP MY EYES ARE TRIPPY
NOW I'M SEEING ALL THIS WEIRD ASS SHIT
AND WITCHES ARE STEALING MY HOTDOGS
AND HECTATES LIKE "LOLOLOLO HOTDOS ARE KEWL"
AND HIS WOLF STEALS THE HOTDOGS
AND IM LIKE "FUCK OFF MY HOTDOGS"
I NEEDZ HOTDOGZ!!!!!!
WATCHES ME LIKE CELLING CAT
THE EARTH NEEDS TO PISS OFF CAUSE ITS A NEWFAG
OH YAH, I BETTER KILL THAT DUDE
TOOK MY HOTDOGS, THAT AINT KEWL

 

[Blind0bserver]

Spoiler: Exerpt from Rorschach's Journal

DOG CARCASZ IN ALLEY THIZ MORNINS, TIRE TREDD ON BURST STOMACH. THIZ CITY AR TEH AFRAID OF ME. I HAVE SEEN ITZ TRUE FACE. TEH STREETZ R EXTENDED GUTTERZ AND TEH GUTTERZ R FULL OF BLOOD AND WHEN TEH DRAINZ FINALLY SCAB OVR, ALL TEH VERMIN WILL DROWN. TEH ACCUMULATED FILTH OV ALL THEIR SEX AND MURDR WILL FOAM UP ABOUT THEIR WAISTZ AND ALL TEH HOOREZ AND POLITICIANZ WILL LOKAY UP AND SHOUT "SAVE UZ!".. AND ILL LOK DOWN AND WHISPR "NO." THEY HAD CHOICE, ALL OV THEM. THEY COULD HAVE FOLLOWED IN TEH FOOTSTEPZ OV GOED MEN LIKEZ MUH FATHR OR PRESIDENT TRUMAN. DECENT MEN HOO BELIEVED IN DAYZ WORK FOR DAYZ PAY. INSTEDD THEY FOLLOWED TEH DROPPINGZ OF LECHERZ AND COMMUNISTZ AND DIDNT REALIZE THAT TEH TRAIL LED OVR PRECIPICE UNTIL IT WAZ TO LATE. DONT TELL ME THEY DIDNT HAVE CHOICE. NOW TEH HOOLE WURRLD STANDZ ON TEH BRINK, STARIN DOWN INTO BLOODLY HELL, ALL THOSE LIBERALZ AND INTELLECTUALZ AND SMOUDD-TALKERZ... AND ALL OF SUDDEN NOBODY CAN THINK OF ANYTHIN T SAY.. KTHXBYE!

I feel so... dirty. I think I need to go take a shower...

 

[ioxles]

Spoiler: Can anyone guess what this is?

NO WAN WUD HAS BELIEVD IN DA LAST YEERS OV TEH NINETEENTH SENTURY DAT DIS WURLD WUZ BEAN WATCHD KEENLY AN CLOSELY BY INTELLIGENCEZ GREATR THAN MANZ AN YET AS MORTAL AS HIS OWN; DAT AS DOODZ BUSID THEMSELVEZ BOUT THEIR VARIOUS CONCERNS THEY WUZ SCRUTINISD AN STUDID, PERHAPS ALMOST AS NARROWLY AS MAN WIF MICROSCOPE MITE SCRUTINIZE TEH TRANZIENT CREATUREZ DAT SWARM AN MULTIPLY IN DROP OV WATR.

WIF INFINITE COMPLACENCY DOODZ WENT 2 AN FRO OVAR DIS GLOBE BOUT THEIR LIL AFFAIRS, SERENE IN THEIR ASSURANCE OV THEIR EMPIRE OVAR MATTR. IT POSIBLE DAT TEH INFUSORIA UNDR TEH MICROSCOPE DO TEH SAME. NO WAN GAEV THOT 2 TEH OLDR WORLDZ OV SPACE AS SOURCEZ OV HOOMAN DANGR, OR THOT OV THEM ONLY 2 DISMIS TEH IDEA OV LIFE UPON THEM AS IMPOSIBLE OR IMPROBABLE. IT CURIOUS 2 RECALL SUM OV TEH MENTAL HABITS OV DOSE DEPARTD DAIS.

AT MOST TERRESTRIAL DOODZ FANCID THAR MITE BE OTHR DOODZ UPON MARS, PERHAPS INFERIOR 2 THEMSELVEZ AN READY 2 WELCOM MISHUNARY ENTERPRIZE. YET ACROS TEH GULF OV SPACE, MINDZ DAT R 2 R MINDZ AS OURS R 2 DOSE OV TEH BEASTS DAT PERISH, INTELLECTS VAST AN KEWL AN UNSYMPATHETIC, REGARDD DIS EARTH WIF ENVIOUS EYEZ, AN SLOWLY AN SURELY DREW THEIR PLANZ AGAINST US. AN EARLY IN DA TWENTIETH SENTURY CAME TEH GREAT DISILLUSHUNMENT.

 

[Kiutu]

Oh my fucking god this is the gayest thing ever. And I thought that Doctor Who dude was cool. You too Labyrinth.

If this thread was not about improper words and such, I would sarcastically mock you for using gay improperly.