Anyone got any funny D&D stories?

[Vanbael]

So I was in a Beer and Pretzels campaign (If you don't know what a Beer and Pretzels campaign is, its only for silliness and lulz) and I was a ranger as usual. Accompanying me is a bard with bongos, a paladin of PETA, and a very absent minded fighter who skips around (yes its a woman).
The campaign started when I failed a will save at the bard's house and I wanted cookies. So we went to the super market, on the way we encountered some kobolds on the street playing soccer and we kind of pissed them off accidentally by kicking their ball to the other side of town. Stupid fighter...so we had the fight them, and we got one of them who happened to be named Kenny while the bard played on his bongos to try and distract the kobolds.

After a couple more died a police constable walked up to us and told us to stop fighting since it was Tuesday and kobolds could play on the street on Tuesdays. So we picked up a key from the Kobolds, and it unlocked the super market.

The supermarket was normal except for the fact that one sides of an isle had an evil energy coming off of it. It was radiating from nothing other then ramen noodles. Also there was a bunch of shock lizards infesting the super market so we had to get rid of them. Now, that means the PETA paladin couldn't kill them, so he tried to scare them away, which failed...badly...and he got electrocuted to death.
The bard used diplomacy on a shock lizard and rolled a nat 20...
DM: what do you say for diplomacy?
Bard: Pikachu, I choose you! (rolls a nat 20)
DM: The lizard jumps into your arms...
Bard: Awesome, I have a familiar.
The fucking bard had a familiar before I even got to chose. So the bard finds a Phoenix Down Feather with a tag on it, "convenient plot device" I got attacked a lot and I had enough with combat because I was about to die, so I hid in the mops disguised as a broom. All the time, the figher didn't even throw a single blow and was picking up ingredients for cookies. We used the ramen noodles to lure all the lizards out because thats is apparently what they like, and the Paladin comes back, and I had to leave because I had an exam in 5 hours and that is 5 hours of sleep.

While I was away resting, my doppelganger comes and eats all the cookies...awesome.

 

[StrixMaxima]

Oh, I have many, many fun stories about AD&D.

Our Ravenloft party was always fun. Combine that with an inexperienced and slightly vengeful DM, and we had a blast.

While in an inn at Barovia, we receive a personal invitation by a certain Strahd Von Zarovich. I was a priestess of Leira, and after a (very easy) non-weapon proficiency check, I told the rest of the group that this nice noble just MIGHT be the fiercest vampire in a land... full of vampires.

Of course, being slightly suicidal, our gnome druid and the fighter start concocting a plan. "Hey, Mr. Alteration Mage, don't you have a spell called "Item" in handy?"

"Why, yes, I can memorize it for tomorrow. Why?"

"What does it do, again?"

"Well, it greatly reduces the size of objects. A strong impact may cause the item to revert to its original size. We used it to go spelunking that crypt, remember?"

They rush to the local church with a big barrel and pay the local priest to bless it.

Well, the scene then can be resumed by us riding towards Von Zarovitch's Castle the next night, armed with our dim wit and a Itemized barrel of holy water in our hands. The dorr is opened by Strahd himself (?!), who is promptly greeted by a measure and a fighter throwing the tiny barrel into his face.

Our DM had a rough time calculating the damage he had taken. Yes, it was before Van Richter's Guide to Vampires and the whole "Elder vampires are immune to Holy Water".

He puffed away in his gaseous form, cursing us in good English, while we suddenly felt the rush of a full level and being just a XP away from the next one. Good times.

Also, we discovered that Transmute Rock to Mud can be terrible for that climactic final scene the DM had planned for so long. After using that spell in two big encounters, mysteriously all dungeons in Ravenloft were conveniently carpeted in a nice wooden floor. Yes, even the thousand old undisturbed tombs of yore.

"Don't ask it!" said our DM...

Finally, just from the top of my head, a phrase that was uttered in utter disappointment by a fellow player and friend, after botching for the third time in a very, very short period of time.

"Fuck it, these dice are completely random!"

Epic.

 

[Xaio30]

We were once playing the Faerûn setting where we had to look for a way to save a village from vampires before dawn.

We were walking around in the forest when suddenly our GM said we saw something colossal made from metal. After a long exploration we realized it was a space ship.

We picked up an Assault Rifle each (along with our jaws from the floor) and had a lot of fun that day.

 

[Maddenfreak]

well lets see here. we were on a castle wall fighting off some sort of monsters, and we had someone playing a navi (Big blue things from avatar). anyways, one of our characters thought he could run between the navi's legs and throw some enemies off. unfortunately he was just a little too tall and gave the navi the most epic nut shot of all time with his head. The funniest part is that whenever he had a crappy roll, he would always blame it on a ball anurism.

 

[Declasm]

Warrior Dwarf Mad Brian "The Bastard" - getting reincarnated into a superhuman god after two successive impossible rolls drawing a card from the 'Deck of Many Things'

Also: 'Dog on a Lich'

Good to see a place on the internet talking about D&D that isn't full of trolls (no matter how appropriate that might seem)

 

[Legendsmith]

I think we play quite an old edition. There's an on-going joke that one of the characters (Mialee) is shit and no one can pronounce her name correctly.

Additionally, the guy who is our DM takes his own twist on it - he has basically said that he wants us to have an experience, as opposed to him wanting to win.

People who DM to win aren't DMs. You my friend are a lucky player to have a true DM.

 

[Panzervaughn]

2 player game, big room with a gnome warlock in a smaller room at one end, us in the other. Warlock makes some monstrosity 10 levels above us come through another side room, we run around room, chase gnome into his little room. Monster cant get us, because the door is too small, but wedges himself in it, collapses some wall, gets himself stuck and blocks our exit.

We bloody the warlock, and i intimidate him so that he'll help us get out of this corner, he agrees, but was standing right beside the monster, who went next, and splattered him against the wall immediately after being recruited.

 

[sjarri]

-snip-

 

[Plinglebob]

Another one I remember was the 1st D&D game I played. was AD&D rules and one of my friends was playing a dwarf fighter who had managed to naturally roll a 18/100 at character creation. We also found the drunk rules at the time were something like +2str, -2Int, Wis & Cha. Our answer to pretty much everything was to give the Dwarf a strong drink and point him towards the enemey/trap/door/chest. Ended up sort of backfiring once as he got a critical to destroy a door and ripped it of its hinges. Never needed to buy a shield again after that!

I've always wanted to play a proper D&D game. It sounds like a crazy amount of fun. But, no one in my entire country plays it.

Wow, and I thought I had it bad finding a group (still haven't )

 

[Raijha]

Was playing a Dwarf Shaman in my first 4e campaign. Kept pulling all this crazy acrobatics and atheltics rolls, jumping clear over fences, cartwheeling up and down stairs, hanging from chandeleres, crazy stuff like that for almost a whole session......then I tripped running down a hall, fell on a trigger plate, and immediately died from the 5 crossbow traps I had just triggered, something like 115+ damage at lvl 3? Everyone laughed so bloody hard. I re-rolled a Warforged Barbarian.

Also, 3.5, elven druid. Walking through a dark dungeon and I had just gained daylight, so im having fun with it lighting up rooms. We get past a trapped room (reverse gravity) and into a big dark chamber, me, immediatly not htinking, cast daylight! Waking the now very very angry green dragon, who breathes on the party, 1 person dies immediatly, the rest of us are in trouble, and dragon fear goes off, everybody fails their rolls and runs back into the previous hall, into the anti grav trap......another instant death from falling damage. After that the dragon hunted down the rest of the party, only 1 person survived....stuck on the roof.

 

[Zach of Fables]

The only one that I can think of is when all of my friends playing were pretty young. We were in a room and there was a little boy in a cage that we had to rescue. But there was a trapdoor under the cage so if any additional weight was placed on it everything would fall. Our solution to this was someone threw a grappling hook onto the top of the cage and then the cleric walked out to get the boy. The trapdoor opened and the cage fell, but the rest of the party held onto the rope and keep the cage suspended in midair.

The cleric climbed down the rope to the cage and started to try and get the boy out. But at this point the fighter (who is also the strongest character) decides to let go of the rope. Immediately the elf and halfling who are also holding on get sucked down the hole along with the cleric, the cage and the boy inside. After a second the fighter jumps in too.

When asked why the fighter did this, he replied, "I'm chaotic neutral!"

 

[Quextamon]

Well, the only one I can think of that's a bit funny is when me and two of my family were being very cautious in a dungeon. We were throwing things into a room to see what was in there, like torches and shooting arrows. However, we then awoke the gelatinous cube in the room. We were worried until we found out he was so big he couldn't get through the door.

I really enjoyed that.

 

[kittii-chan 300]

I've only played once and noone knew what to do. my cat ate the gold dragon boss .

 

[ArchEvilAngel]

A friend of mine related a story to me of one of his adventures.

DM: You enter the room and see a gazebo sitting in the center.
Player: Does it notice us?
DM: No...it's a gazebo.
Player: I walk up a bit closer. Does it notice me?
DM: No, it's a gazebo.
Player: I move up next to it. Does it notice me?
DM: No, it's a ****ing gazebo!
Player: I stab it with my sword, does it notice me?
DM: *facepalm* Yes, it notices you. The Great Gazebo Gods bring it to life and it crushes you. Roll a level one character.

In the last session I played, I was the DM and the party was in a war-torn Drow city. They were deciding which faction to join when they arrived at the city's temple of Lolth. When they entered, there were armored Drow awaiting at the end of a long hallway. As the party walked down the hall, they kept stepping on pressure plates that caused arrows to fire out of the walls. It is also pitch black and nobody has had the common sense to light a torch yet. The Drow guards order them to halt and state their business. Half of the party wants to try a diplomatic approach. The other half just wants to slaughter everyone. The only character that has dark vision is part of the latter group and is the one currently holding a diplomatic pendant that would allow them to speak with the Drow on semi-friendly terms, which she refuses to give up to the rest of the party. So, the party is arguing in the dark, stepping on booby traps and getting shot to hell. I inform them that the Drow guards are dumbfounded by the scene that is unfolding before them and are content to stand and watch.

 

[alrekr]

Well I got two (I was DM both times):

Player-Hey DM can I search the goblin
DM-Well he hasn't got any clothes wear, would he be hiding any loot?
Player-In his butt crack?
DM-Fine you search the goblins arse

DM-You find a long-bow hidden in its arse...WTF have I done!

DM- A large dire wolf (4 levels above the player) enters the cave
Player-Can I tame it?
DM- Roll a 20 and I guess so
Player-
DM- A goblin shaman (5levels above the players) enters the room
Player- Can tame that as well?
DM- What?
Player-Please?
DM- Fine roll two 20s in a row
Player-
DM-Well there goes the whole campaign...Screw it the whole room crashes down around you killing you all...

 

[Ronmartin]

It was my first time playing D&D, with a group of people I had never met before. I was excited about the whole affair, however, my entire knowledge of D&D came from reading The Order of the Stick, Dungeons & Denizens, Darths & Droids, and Goblins (webcomics; look them up). The GM was actually very nice to a newbie like myself, but I swear that D20 had it in for me. The following is a summary of the adventure of Calzoran, the overenthusiastic level one dragonborn paladin.

Scene one: My first order of business was to pull a peasant into an alley to intimidate him into telling me about the town. (Intimidation roll: critical fail) Not only did the peasant laugh when I choked on my own tongue, but I failed to score any points with the cute dragonborn girl in my party I had brought along in the hopes of impressing.

Scene two: After beating up some goblins, I run into a river to grab a sinking ship and attempt to haul it back to shore with my bare scaled hands. And my full plate armor. (Athletics roll: critical fail) I end up stuck in the mud with water up to my neck while the rest of my party saves the ship and gets hugs from all the childrens.

Scene three: The entire party jumps in to hastily discourage me from blasting a thug with my fire breath because I neither realized that right behind him was one of our elves, nor that flame breath damages everything in a certain radius in front of me. Hey, nobody had told me that Friendly Fire was on.

Scene four: In the final confrontation with the mob boss, I spend most of the fight lying down in front of the mob boss as though my paladin has become convinced that the mob boss is a god and converted to worshipping him, and his chosen worship regimen involves lying on the floor and bleeding.

 

[BlueMage]

I had a character rolled up that could actually inflict physical harm through Taunting. Anyways, the DM's self-insertion character would show up to mock us from time to time. One time, I taunted him. He looked at me. I smiled, and rolled a 16. He glared, rolled ... and hung his head before scribbling something down.

I successfully taunted God.

 

[CM156_v1legacy]

Snip

I was DMing a 3.5 group. My brother was playing a Monk who used his skill checks a bit to often
He and my friend, who was a Moon Elf Sorcerer, had just fought off two Rangers who were trying to kill them. They found a pair of shoes. These were just normal Monk sandals.

My friend: "I use a search check on the shoes" -Low roll-
Me: They're shoes.
My Friend: "I use Knowledge (Arcana) on the shoes" -Medium roll-
Me: You know of no magical properties on these shoes
My Friend: "I use Spellcraft on the shoes" -High Roll-
Me: You detect no magical properties on the shoes
My brother: "I use Knowledge (The Planes)[He's untrained in this, but I let it fly] on these shoes" -Low roll-
Me: "They're shoes
My brother: Are they from another plane, though?
Me: As far as you know, no
My brother: I use Knowledge (Religion) on the shoes. -Natural 20-
Me [Fed up]: The shoes are Catholic

Let me think a bit and I'll have some more stories for you.

 

[guidance]

I just started playing DnD with friends from school, their most epic story ended with one guy being strapped to the front of a space ship (apparently a futuristic campaign) and it being driven straight into the strongest military establishment in the campaign. He survived and was implanted into the facility and started killing people from within.

 

[bird of hermes]

My group had a warrior princess along with us. We decided to touch her butt and my friend rolled a 4. I rolled a 20 and we decided it was a critical butt touch.