About a month ago, I came out to my parents as an atheist. The important details concerning that are:
1. It was unplanned, I hesitated for slightly too long before answering the question "Have you accepted Jesus as your lord and savior?"
2. It did not go over well (at all) and
3. I was "asked" to not speak of it to any of my friends from home about it, and especially not to my younger brother and sister (I'm the oldest)(All those mentioned above already knew before my parents. The "request" was repeated after I told my parents as much). In addition, I was not to mention it to my extended family (On either side).
It is number three that I need advice concerning, albeit indirectly. My sister and I have a mutual trust: She can tell me, and I can tell her, anything without judgement, and all that is said between us is confidential (especially from our parents [read: my mom], this is how she knew I was an atheist before anyone else in the family). These talks most often take place when we go out on errands for the family together or, when I'm away at school, over the phone, while Mom is out of earshot on her end. While I respect my mother's right to raise her children as she sees fit, I know from personal experience that she's not an effective shoulder to cry on (sympathetic/empathic, yes; helpful/effective, no), believing prayer to and faith in God to be the best solution to problems of the heart, mind, and social life.
Furthermore, Mom is the source of much of my sister's stress. She hounds my sister's cell phone history (Checking the one present in the phone against the one that appears on the bill at the end of the month, and noting any discrepancies), text messages, and Facebook page (She also insists on having Admin access on my sister's computer, along with her FB and Email passwords), and often dictating actions to my sister (Take down this photo, stop what you're doing and study [Even if she's already studying, and says so, Mom will say "Then study something else"], change your status, delete this email, block this person's number, un-friend/don't speak to this person again, etc.) while offering no reason other than "Because I say so." Until recently, I was one of the few people my sister could contact without questions being asked (Being the devout, priestly, eldest son, who knew more about the bible, and religion in general, than anyone else in the family, and was no danger to my sister's vulnerable, womanly soul [My Mom's words, not mine]).
At the time of this posting, little has been done by mother concerning my sister and I's conversations. However, she has, upon reading that a call was made to or from me on my sister's phone, begun asking "What did your brother and you talk about?" and the usual line "stuff" is no longer satisfying her. With my coming return home for the summer, the issue of again living under the same roof as my mother and sister, now with my atheism out in the open, had jumped to the forefront of my mind. The prospect of being sequestered from my family, or worse, constantly being tailed by my mother while in my sister's company, or anyone else's, is deeply troubling to me.
The problem is compounded by the fact that we'll be visiting my mother's extended family (who are even more devoutly religious and protective, sending their children to Christian private schools, and criticizing my mother for not doing the same with us, leaving us "vulnerable") this summer. I'm the eldest grandchild on that side of the family, and have repeatably been held up as the spiritual, academic, and personal role model for my cousins (One eagerly accepted by said cousins, a few of which damn near worship the dirt off my boots)(I've been considered my mother's "Trump-Card," the refutation to all the family's statements that she was too lax with her children concerning faith). No-one there has been told of my deconversion, and I fear that I may be asked to play my old role, one that I fear I am no longer emotionally capable of playing.
I came on the Escapist planning to post this in "Religion and Politics," as I usually do when I have a matter of the spirit to discuss and, for the first time, noticed the Advice Forum, and realized that this would be the better place to ask:
Does anyone have any advice on any of this? Has anyone had similar experiences and, if so, how did they play out in the end? Is there anything I can do? Anything I definitely should not do? Anything at all?
1. It was unplanned, I hesitated for slightly too long before answering the question "Have you accepted Jesus as your lord and savior?"
2. It did not go over well (at all) and
3. I was "asked" to not speak of it to any of my friends from home about it, and especially not to my younger brother and sister (I'm the oldest)(All those mentioned above already knew before my parents. The "request" was repeated after I told my parents as much). In addition, I was not to mention it to my extended family (On either side).
It is number three that I need advice concerning, albeit indirectly. My sister and I have a mutual trust: She can tell me, and I can tell her, anything without judgement, and all that is said between us is confidential (especially from our parents [read: my mom], this is how she knew I was an atheist before anyone else in the family). These talks most often take place when we go out on errands for the family together or, when I'm away at school, over the phone, while Mom is out of earshot on her end. While I respect my mother's right to raise her children as she sees fit, I know from personal experience that she's not an effective shoulder to cry on (sympathetic/empathic, yes; helpful/effective, no), believing prayer to and faith in God to be the best solution to problems of the heart, mind, and social life.
Furthermore, Mom is the source of much of my sister's stress. She hounds my sister's cell phone history (Checking the one present in the phone against the one that appears on the bill at the end of the month, and noting any discrepancies), text messages, and Facebook page (She also insists on having Admin access on my sister's computer, along with her FB and Email passwords), and often dictating actions to my sister (Take down this photo, stop what you're doing and study [Even if she's already studying, and says so, Mom will say "Then study something else"], change your status, delete this email, block this person's number, un-friend/don't speak to this person again, etc.) while offering no reason other than "Because I say so." Until recently, I was one of the few people my sister could contact without questions being asked (Being the devout, priestly, eldest son, who knew more about the bible, and religion in general, than anyone else in the family, and was no danger to my sister's vulnerable, womanly soul [My Mom's words, not mine]).
At the time of this posting, little has been done by mother concerning my sister and I's conversations. However, she has, upon reading that a call was made to or from me on my sister's phone, begun asking "What did your brother and you talk about?" and the usual line "stuff" is no longer satisfying her. With my coming return home for the summer, the issue of again living under the same roof as my mother and sister, now with my atheism out in the open, had jumped to the forefront of my mind. The prospect of being sequestered from my family, or worse, constantly being tailed by my mother while in my sister's company, or anyone else's, is deeply troubling to me.
The problem is compounded by the fact that we'll be visiting my mother's extended family (who are even more devoutly religious and protective, sending their children to Christian private schools, and criticizing my mother for not doing the same with us, leaving us "vulnerable") this summer. I'm the eldest grandchild on that side of the family, and have repeatably been held up as the spiritual, academic, and personal role model for my cousins (One eagerly accepted by said cousins, a few of which damn near worship the dirt off my boots)(I've been considered my mother's "Trump-Card," the refutation to all the family's statements that she was too lax with her children concerning faith). No-one there has been told of my deconversion, and I fear that I may be asked to play my old role, one that I fear I am no longer emotionally capable of playing.
I came on the Escapist planning to post this in "Religion and Politics," as I usually do when I have a matter of the spirit to discuss and, for the first time, noticed the Advice Forum, and realized that this would be the better place to ask:
Does anyone have any advice on any of this? Has anyone had similar experiences and, if so, how did they play out in the end? Is there anything I can do? Anything I definitely should not do? Anything at all?
My sister and father are both moderate Baptists [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baptist].
My mother, despite claiming to be non-denominational, was raised as an Evangelical Lutheran [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Evangelical_Lutheran_Church_in_America], and continues to share most of the beliefs associated with that denomination (Most especially those in this chart [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lutheranism#Comparison_among_Protestants], under the Lutheranism heading). The only reason she isn't an Evangelical Lutheran is to (Her words) spite her father and (extrapolating) the rest of her family, who are all still Evangelical Lutherans.
I myself have been an atheist for coming up on a year now, my sister has known since last Christmas. I haven't been a Christian for far longer though, being a Deist before that and dabbling in various other religions before that.
I am not taking my sister's word for it concerning my mother's behavior. She operated in much the same way with my brother and I. We've, however, been out of focus as I left home and my brother reached the age of 17 (and my sister became a teenager).
My father is a reasonable man, supportive to his children, but, he is, as the saying goes, a lamb, rather than a lion. Soft-spoken. He will not and does not keep secrets from his wife, especially concerning their children, and will not go against her in any matter concerning "her babies."
My brother and I rarely talk. Though we're on amicable terms now, he didn't care for me for most of his life. My mom ensured that he got all of the same teachers as me as he went through public school, attempting to "replicate her success." Within the first week of class, every year, every teacher would say to him, upon realizing that we had the same last name "Are you Mray3460's brother? He was so great/smart/interesting/clever/etc.". Mom would always compare him to me, and hold him up to the standard set by me. At one point, she asked him "Why can't you be more like Mray?!" I finally asked her to stop using me to measure him, leading to what I think is the only argument I ever won with her. He's confided in me that he's "sticking it out until (he goes) to college," that he plans to go out of state, and find a job once he's there. "I'm not coming back. Ever."
My sister is the odd-ball out of the children by being a social creature. She was voted the most popular kid in school, is one of the leaders at the youth group at her church, is the president of the local chapter of the National Jr. Honor Society, of the Student Council, and of the school choir, she is also a member of the state choir, and the captain of the school volleyball team, and of the school basketball team. She outpaces me academically, with a 4.0 (All A's) compared to my 3.75 (3 times as many A's as B's) and currently serves as the figurative and literal "shoulder to cry on" for her dozens of friends, church-friends, team-mates, and acquaintances. Mom still compares her to me: "Mray never gave me this much drama." "Why can't you just do what you're told like Mray?" "Why can't you just accept that I know best, like Mray?" "Mray never dragged me all over town for volleyball." "Mray never made me a chauffeur for all his friends." It was these last two complaints that led to my sister and I growing closer, and we eventually got to talking. The rest is history. (In the past month, since I've came out as an atheist, the comparisons have stopped) As the youngest, she'll be the last to leave home, with three years between that and the departure of my brother. She's told me repeatedly that she can't stand the thought of "being alone in the house with Mom."
My mother, despite claiming to be non-denominational, was raised as an Evangelical Lutheran [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Evangelical_Lutheran_Church_in_America], and continues to share most of the beliefs associated with that denomination (Most especially those in this chart [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lutheranism#Comparison_among_Protestants], under the Lutheranism heading). The only reason she isn't an Evangelical Lutheran is to (Her words) spite her father and (extrapolating) the rest of her family, who are all still Evangelical Lutherans.
I myself have been an atheist for coming up on a year now, my sister has known since last Christmas. I haven't been a Christian for far longer though, being a Deist before that and dabbling in various other religions before that.
I am not taking my sister's word for it concerning my mother's behavior. She operated in much the same way with my brother and I. We've, however, been out of focus as I left home and my brother reached the age of 17 (and my sister became a teenager).
My father is a reasonable man, supportive to his children, but, he is, as the saying goes, a lamb, rather than a lion. Soft-spoken. He will not and does not keep secrets from his wife, especially concerning their children, and will not go against her in any matter concerning "her babies."
My brother and I rarely talk. Though we're on amicable terms now, he didn't care for me for most of his life. My mom ensured that he got all of the same teachers as me as he went through public school, attempting to "replicate her success." Within the first week of class, every year, every teacher would say to him, upon realizing that we had the same last name "Are you Mray3460's brother? He was so great/smart/interesting/clever/etc.". Mom would always compare him to me, and hold him up to the standard set by me. At one point, she asked him "Why can't you be more like Mray?!" I finally asked her to stop using me to measure him, leading to what I think is the only argument I ever won with her. He's confided in me that he's "sticking it out until (he goes) to college," that he plans to go out of state, and find a job once he's there. "I'm not coming back. Ever."
My sister is the odd-ball out of the children by being a social creature. She was voted the most popular kid in school, is one of the leaders at the youth group at her church, is the president of the local chapter of the National Jr. Honor Society, of the Student Council, and of the school choir, she is also a member of the state choir, and the captain of the school volleyball team, and of the school basketball team. She outpaces me academically, with a 4.0 (All A's) compared to my 3.75 (3 times as many A's as B's) and currently serves as the figurative and literal "shoulder to cry on" for her dozens of friends, church-friends, team-mates, and acquaintances. Mom still compares her to me: "Mray never gave me this much drama." "Why can't you just do what you're told like Mray?" "Why can't you just accept that I know best, like Mray?" "Mray never dragged me all over town for volleyball." "Mray never made me a chauffeur for all his friends." It was these last two complaints that led to my sister and I growing closer, and we eventually got to talking. The rest is history. (In the past month, since I've came out as an atheist, the comparisons have stopped) As the youngest, she'll be the last to leave home, with three years between that and the departure of my brother. She's told me repeatedly that she can't stand the thought of "being alone in the house with Mom."