BDSM and You!

[Housebroken Lunatic]

What, precisely, makes something a deviant lifestyle choice?

The use of the word "deviant" generally implies that whatever is being refered to as such is "deviant from the norm".

That is, it isn't something that the general majority engages in.

So making a "deviant" lifestyle choice doesn't have to be a good or a bad thing. It's just considered "unusual" in comparison to what most people do.

 

[Lilani]

I ASK YOU WHY THIS IS TWO THREADS!?!?

http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/18.314499-BDSM-and-You

Geez, why are people getting so worked up about these things lately? Sometimes the site lags when creating posts or threads, thus spawning two posts or threads rather than one. Surely you've noticed this by now. It's not the poster's fault.

Anyway, while I'm here I guess I should tell my story... I'm a female, and ever since I was a kid, I remember always being particularly...interested in the parts of cartoons or movies where characters get tied up or held against their will. I sort of found myself WANTING to be in that position, being at the mercy of another, not having a choice. I don't remember when I found out about BSDM specifically, but I mostly learned everything about it through the Internet during my mid teens.

Funny thing is, throughout my whole life, I've also been a practicing Christian. And I still am today. I'm not the person who sent the anonymous letter to the love help lady a few weeks back, but it sort of relieved me to find someone who has actually found a way to balance and accept their fetish while still maintaining a relationship with God, and sticking with the standard rules (no sex til marriage, only sex with your spouse, etc). Until now I've sort of been just haphazardly swinging from one side of the fence to the other, usually apologizing for my dirty thoughts but not really feeling particularly sorry about them (then apologizing for that and asking for help in the matter).

So, yeah. I've got a boyfriend now, but if we do get married it won't be for at least a few years. And even then he is very kindly and shy so I doubt he shares my fetish (or at least would be willing to be a dominant...), but I guess I'll cross that bridge when we get to it. I guess I won't know til then. So that's my story.

 

[Ghengis John]

I ASK YOU WHY THIS IS TWO THREADS!?!?

http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/18.314499-BDSM-and-You

Geez, why are people getting so worked up about these things lately? Sometimes the site lags when creating posts or threads, thus spawning two posts or threads rather than one. Surely you've noticed this by now. It's not the poster's fault.

First time I ever noticed it. But as you can see by post 21, I have already "gotten over it.", Somebody explained it already and I was fine. I thought this person was just soo excited bout BDSM they had to make more than one post about it at first.

 

[Avaholic03]

As long as it's between consenting adults, I don't care what goes on in someone's bedroom. Personally I'm not interested in BDSM or many of the other "deviant" sexual lifestyles, but I guess I can undersand why some people are, and it's certainly not my right to say otherwise.

Also, I gotta ask: what's with the double spacing?

I gotta ask: What exactly are the 'other deviant lifestyles', and why do you think you're qualified to judge someone else sexual choices? What, precisely, makes something a deviant lifestyle choice?

I'm just curious, since you also state that you don't feel right telling people not to engage in BD/SM, but you obviously feel justified in judging whether those choices are morally or ethically correct.

OT: I'm the bottom in a M/F relationship, and a mild masochist; my girlfriend happens to be substantially kinkier, far more aggressive and demonstrably more dominant that 99% of the male tops I've met. As several people have pointed out, we both have to trust each other implicitly and communicate much more deeply than many 'mainstream' partnerships do; my g/f can read my body language to know how hard to push in a given instance.

All in all, I have found my current relationship to be substantially healthier than any of my previous ones, and this one has know lasted almost 50% longer than my next longest had.

You clearly misread. I used the word "deviant" to mean "non-traditional, or outside the norm". I never meant to imply a negative connotation. And I made it very clear that I DIDN'T have the right to judge other people's choices. I'd appreciate you not putting words....or anything else....in my mouth. Thank you very much.

 

[InfiniteSingularity]

I find it very intriguing, and when I find someone who also does i would have some fun with it.

 

[Kinokohatake]

BDSM has always bugged me for the exact opposite reason some people are put off by it. To me, it seems...poser-ish. I mean, it isn't real. It seems hollow. Not that I support rape and torture, but still.

Oh its real. Try it and you might understand.

That is...ominous.

I WOULD try it (I've been intrested in the process before) if I knew anyone who was also into it. One of my ex girlfriends was, but we never got sexual before we broke up.

..


You would be surprised how many people are actually into it. There are plenty of sites set up to the discussion of it.

Also, how does it seem poserish?

 

[Kinokohatake]

Of course it's consensual. But it's not just the rapeplay aspect of bdsm. You can have a very long very grueling scene with absolutely not intimate contact. There are so many different forms of BDSM it would boggle your mind. But I wish you luck with your lady friend, and good luck experimenting.

 

[Aerodyamic]

As long as it's between consenting adults, I don't care what goes on in someone's bedroom. Personally I'm not interested in BDSM or many of the other "deviant" sexual lifestyles, but I guess I can undersand why some people are, and it's certainly not my right to say otherwise.

Also, I gotta ask: what's with the double spacing?

I gotta ask: What exactly are the 'other deviant lifestyles', and why do you think you're qualified to judge someone else sexual choices? What, precisely, makes something a deviant lifestyle choice?

I'm just curious, since you also state that you don't feel right telling people not to engage in BD/SM, but you obviously feel justified in judging whether those choices are morally or ethically correct.

OT: I'm the bottom in a M/F relationship, and a mild masochist; my girlfriend happens to be substantially kinkier, far more aggressive and demonstrably more dominant that 99% of the male tops I've met. As several people have pointed out, we both have to trust each other implicitly and communicate much more deeply than many 'mainstream' partnerships do; my g/f can read my body language to know how hard to push in a given instance.

All in all, I have found my current relationship to be substantially healthier than any of my previous ones, and this one has know lasted almost 50% longer than my next longest had.

You clearly misread. I used the word "deviant" to mean "non-traditional, or outside the norm". I never meant to imply a negative connotation. And I made it very clear that I DIDN'T have the right to judge other people's choices. I'd appreciate you not putting words....or anything else....in my mouth. Thank you very much.

Actually, given the standard context of the word deviant, it's a pretty loaded word. Maybe you should consider using other words, since that one, even if you intended to use the very literal interpretation of the dictionary definition, can be read way out of context pretty easily.

As much as I hate euphemizing, there's bound to be a better term than 'deviant'.

 

[Zaverexus]

Whatever floats your boat.

I personally find the idea of harming my significant other abhorrent.

Myself, I think it's pretty messed up.

But two adults can do whatever they want, As long as they agree, I don't really care.

I agree with these. I don't like the idea, I don't really get why that would be appealing, I especially don't think it can really be healthy, and I would be concerned that such a thing could drift into other parts of the relationship.
That last part is my biggest concern, so as long as someone is not being actually abusive I guess he/she can do whatever. I prefer a bit more of a loving relationship in and out of the bedroom.

My opinion is about the same for "open relationships".

Well I think the point that you missed was BDSM can be a loving relationship too. I love my gf, and I'd anything for her.
She also loves pain, and she loves to be dominated, and I love being the one who gets to do it.
For us the BDSM is what we do before the sex, and it's helped strength our bond. Plus for my gf and I sex needs to be fun, and bdsm enhances that fun.
To say BDSM isn't a loving a relationship; that's simply the ignorance talking. It might not be how you express it, but it's just as loving as old, boring vanilla sex.

I'm not saying the relationship can't be loving, I'm saying the though of hurting someone I love, even in pretend, is not something that ever occurs to me in such a relationship.

 

[Zaverexus]

Whatever floats your boat.

I personally find the idea of harming my significant other abhorrent.

Myself, I think it's pretty messed up.

But two adults can do whatever they want, As long as they agree, I don't really care.

I agree with these. I don't like the idea, I don't really get why that would be appealing, I especially don't think it can really be healthy, and I would be concerned that such a thing could drift into other parts of the relationship.
That last part is my biggest concern, so as long as someone is not being actually abusive I guess he/she can do whatever. I prefer a bit more of a loving relationship in and out of the bedroom.

My opinion is about the same for "open relationships".

I'd argue that a BDSM relationship is about as loving as you get. Its a complete expression of trust, saying to someone "I trust you enough to let you tie me up and whip me" which is a hell of a thing to trust someone with.

And what do you mean about drifting into other parts of the relationship? Are we talking about out of the bedroom? Because that happens and it's exactly what floats a lot of peoples boats.

What I mean by that is that one should take care that roleplaying abuse does not turn into an actual abusive relationship.