Being Asexual In A Sexual Society

[Ham_authority95]

Hey, if your sexual preference(or lack thereof) and lifestyle make you happy, then more power to you.

Admittedly, I've never met an Asexual person in my life, but I can understand.

 

[Ham_authority95]

Meh, I'm a teen and STILL a virgin.

I wouldn't rush into it. Teen sex is sloppy and un-coordinated from lack of experienced parties and/or confidence.(from what I've heard, anyway)

 

[Brotherofwill]

I don't think there is such a thing as being asexual.

This may seem a little callous. Humans are sexual creatures, deal with it.

My thoughts more or less.

 

[Riku'sTwilight]

Meh, whatever floats your boat. Its your life. Do you at least participate in self-sex?

Yes I do, I'm not completely devoid of needs heh I just dont feel the urge to get them from someone else

May I ask your Age? I think it would be foolish of me to say you don't have same emotions as I do, but I'm curious how you approach romantic love. Have you ever been romantically in love with someone and have pursued that kind of relationship (without sex of course)?

I suppose what I'm getting at is once your relationship matures enough, the issue of sex will come about. What happens then? Or would the relationship not even get that far?

I know my thoughts are scattered, but I find it hard to form them into intelligent questions.

It's ok I understand exactly what you meant.
I'm 21, which I know isn't really old enough to comment on massively deep topics, but I've seen and done enough in my short life to know what I want/don't want by now.

I have been in love yes, and proper love (not just a crush) I have tried to go out with girls without the need for a sexual relationship, and although love and affection are good emotions which I wouldn't want to deny anybody I think that at the end of the day I see the faults in people from the start, and I believe that if you want to find someone who you want to spend your life with then you should start off believing that they are perfect - I just can't seem to do that.

It's never come that far with my relationships (being the age that I am, in my previous relationships sex didn't come about so quickly) but all I can do is guess that I would just say to them that I didn't feel the need to have sex with them (which I can see that not going down too well somehow heh)

 

[-Drifter-]

Anyway I find it hard sometimes when sex is all around us, being pushed in our faces and down our throats...

Poor choice of words...

 

[DocAscii]

I'm friends with an entire family of asexual folk. I'm friends with one son, and he maybe started dating a little later, but he's definitely got hormones. The other son is now 26 and has never had a relationship. I had a mad crush on the daughter who is 23 and has never dated. All three are very smart, decently attractive and highly sociable people. When asked about dating, it's like they know about it, but it doesn't seem important. That boded very poorly when I tried to date the daughter, and she didn't realize that a heterosexual single man asking a heterosexual single woman to dinner is "usually" a date. It wasn't until I tried to arrange a second date, and used the term date, that she defined the terms of our encounter. That was embarassing. It took some doing to clear the matter up with my friend, but we're all on good terms again.

Also it may be worth noting that while it is most probable that their parents had sex at least three times, and they get along well, that I see no signs of affection between them. A mutual friend has dubbed them "the most asexual couple" he had ever met, and I agreed.

 

[Requx]

I never got other sexualitys. Like I'm perfectly fine with gay people and bi-people and tranny peoples...as people. But I still never got how or what good an organism that doesnt sustain its own race is. If every dog was gay...what would happen, there would be no more dogs.

Would anybody care to explain?

 

[Requx]

I never got other sexualitys. Like I'm perfectly fine with gay people and bi-people and tranny peoples...as people. But I still never got how or what good an organism that doesnt sustain its own race is. If every dog was gay...what would happen, there would be no more dogs.

Would anybody care to explain?

Could be genetic mutations. We're all defective so don't flame me for calling you a mutation. You might be, I am, surely.

That and perhaps their brain is simply wired differently as they've grown and now the nueral pathways found a connection saying penis > vagina or Nothing > Penis > vagina etc.

There's plenty of biological reasons why a dog would be gay.

What scares me though are the numbers. I can take some brain mutations, thats all a part of being an organism some evolve differently. But what I don't get is how this gene keeps passing on on the rate it does. Something like 1/10 people are gay (a lot of people seem to think...Ive also read 1/100). But will we all be gay eventually and our race will cease to exist or will it always be the same numbers? Will we hit a maximum ammount of gayness. Or will we eventually destroy the gene through genocide or other scientific matters?

 

[LightspeedJack]

snip

All humans have a sex drive. Saying you don't is like saying you never feel hungry, we're hardwired to feel that way, it is pure instinct. Of course you can feel psychically compelled to have sex but still not want to. For the most part anyone who says "I'm asexual" basically means "I deep down would like to have sex but can't find a partner willing to comply." For those people, just hang in there, especially when you are young. Many people who claim to have had sex are lying, even if they are honest about everything else.

 

[TheLaofKazi]

What are your views, oh dear Escapists? Are any of you asexual? do you know anybody who is? or do you want to argue anything I've said here? Post a reply below

I'm definitely not asexual, nor do I know anybody who really is. I know people who say that they have no desire to date or spend time with opposite sex, and that may be true, but at the same time I doubt it. It seems people say and act like that when they are afraid to try to meet people they like, to try to cover their fear up by acting like they aren't interested. That's understandable though, considering the way our society really pushes for people to be "good with the ladies."

I'm not saying you are like that, but it's something I've noticed about people. You may simply just not be interested in sex and relationships, or, at least interested in what society makes them out to be, which I think is filled with quite a bit of stigma and arbitrary standards. I would suggest to try and keep an open mind about sex and attraction. It's not as simple and narrow as the people around you make it, it's a very diverse, symbolic thing. Society sort of injects that symbolism into us. If you look at different cultures, they all have a different idea of what is attractive and beautiful. Some people don't fit into that mold, and they begin to think they are different, or maybe that they actually don't like sex, but in reality, it may be that all they know is what society thinks good sex is. But that's all complete bullshit. I mean, for a while, I thought I didn't like certain genres of music, but thanks to the internet, I could explore a richer variety of music, and I discovered that I actually like country, hip-hop, folk and reggae, for starters. I think the same applies to many, many other things.

Really, I have absolutely no problem with sex around me, sexual expression is fucking fantastic and all. What I don't like is the skewed social ideals that are often attached to that expression that can really cause a lot of confusion, ignorance and even pain regarding the nature of human sexuality.

 

[MGlBlaze]

This may seem a little callous. Humans are sexual creatures, deal with it.

I don't know about callous. Its is, however, dismissive of another person's life choice. Then again, no one is paying you to give two shits.

It isn't a choice. If someone chooses to not have sex, it's Celibacy\Abstainence. Asexuality is not being sexually atracted to either sex, and usually can't be helped any more then bisexuality, homosexuality, heterosexuality, etc.

They are still capable of sexual acts, but they'll usually not do it for the same reasons as a sexual person.

 

[MikailCaboose]

Well, I'm not asexual (god it feels odd to use that word in this context), I have no desire to hop into bed with someone else at this moment so...
It's not a real problem in my opinion. Besides, it helps sort through relationships that would end up being a dead boat. After all, you've gotta talk to them too.

 

[Anarchemitis]

What are your views, oh dear Escapists? Are any of you asexual? do you know anybody who is? or do you want to argue anything I've said here? Post a reply below

I'm abstinent, and I feel your frustrations.
It's my biggest worry and annoyance, beyond anything the media or video games could conjure. Wait, they're the ones conjuring it.

Yeah, you get the idea.

 

[Bruin]

It's evolution's way of saying "This is where you get off," and throwing you off the bus.

 

[Not-here-anymore]

I wouldn't say I'm asexual, per se, just that I'm a hopeless romantic.
Whilst I can appreciate the attractiveness of pretty much any human being, some part of me is looking at them as a potential partner, rather than just for sex. At university, this isn't always a winning strategy...

Not that I'm ruling out sex, it seems like a good idea. It's just that it seems like a relationship-affirming thing for me, rather than a one-night stand thing.

...I've turned down sex before, for reasons along those lines. Am I doing it wrong?

 

[Riku'sTwilight]

Argh too many good replies to reply too!

I'm friends with an entire family of asexual folk. I'm friends with one son, and he maybe started dating a little later, but he's definitely got hormones. The other son is now 26 and has never had a relationship. I had a mad crush on the daughter who is 23 and has never dated. All three are very smart, decently attractive and highly sociable people. When asked about dating, it's like they know about it, but it doesn't seem important. That boded very poorly when I tried to date the daughter, and she didn't realize that a heterosexual single man asking a heterosexual single woman to dinner is "usually" a date. It wasn't until I tried to arrange a second date, and used the term date, that she defined the terms of our encounter. That was embarassing. It took some doing to clear the matter up with my friend, but we're all on good terms again.

Also it may be worth noting that while it is most probable that their parents had sex at least three times, and they get along well, that I see no signs of affection between them. A mutual friend has dubbed them "the most asexual couple" he had ever met, and I agreed.

That's actually a lovely post, Although initially the conundrum of an 'asexual family' threw me, reading on you clarified it. It's a shame that you didn't get to date the daughter, although the way you described their feelings towards dating (and the parents lack of signs of affection) is pretty much exactly how I feel.
I know what dating is, and all of my friends do it, but I'd rather just go and have a friendly chat to someone over coffee, rather than that trying to lead anywhere.

Wow, downer topic. No offense, OP, but it sounds like you have a really warped view of relationships. For one thing, if a person isn't happier in a relationship than they are single, chances are the specific relationship is bad, not relationships in general. For another thing, why would a couple have less money than an individual, unless there's kids involved? Historically, marriage has been just as much about two individuals pooling their resources as it has been about producing legitimate offspring, and it makes sense -- twice the number of people, twice the chance to provide for oneself. Dating might cut into funds to some extent, but that's a decision of what to do with excess money, not a drain on it.

I'm sorry you took it as a downer topic, I didn't really mean it to be, It's just an expression on my views of myself, lifestyle and the world we all live in.
I can't comment on what a general relationship is, only on what I have seen in my social circles and the people in relationships and marriage don't seem to be as happy as they are a few months, or years down the line as they do initially within the early stages, that's what I meant.

I agree, marriage is about pooling money and attempting to have a better life, but again in my social circles the marriages I've seen and known are all pretty much broke, due to debts they shouldnt have and expensive things they can't afford but buy to have a 'better life'.
I'm not saying i'm a saint with money, im not at all in the slightest, it's just I know my boundaries with money and don't have wild crazy dreams about doing this, that or everything else because it's something to take away from the (seemingly) mundane life of marriage that i've seen.

Well, I'm not asexual, but I can relate, because I place a lot less emphasis on sex than other people in my life. I don't actively seek it out, and I don't feel comfortable progressing to sex too quickly. I'm a lesbian, if that matters, and, I don't know, but it seems like other young people in the gay community can have a flippant attitude towards sex. And I don't. I've been in a few different relationships, but I only ever trusted one girl enough to sleep with her. And, in hindsight, I still feel I made a mistake by giving myself up too fast.

Other girls I've been with seem to have expected the relationship to progress to sex fairly quickly, but I guess I'm old-fashioned, and I don't believe sex needs to be the ultimate expression of love or intimacy. I don't feel I'm lacking anything if I'm not having sex. And yet, the reaction of previous partners to this is either a) that I'm cold, b) that I'm cheating or I don't really love them (isn't emotional blackmail lovely?) or c) in some cases, that I'm not really gay, which has to be the most ludicrous accusation ever thrown at me by another LGBT person.

So, yes, even though I'm not asexual (I do desire sex), I can completely understand what it must be like to live in an overly sexualised world and to be in a society that pressures you to do something you don't want to do, or don't feel comfortable doing. I sometimes feel life would be easier if I were asexual. Platonic relationships have been more fulfilling to me than ones that have progressed to a more sexual level.

I too like being single. Relationships, especially at my age, can be so suffocating, and demanding. Maybe it's just because I'm attracted to people with domineering personalities. They have a tendency to take over my whole life, which I really don't need when I have school and work to think about.

Interesting topic. Glad you posted it!

Thankyou for sharing, I'm also very glad you said that you are a lesbian (not because i'm a perv but because I have the utmost respect for lesbians, moreso than any other sexuality choice and because I know quite a few myself)
it's a shame that other girls have slated your choice to hold off on sex, as I see it as a very noble thing to wait for something special, rather than being pressured into it.

Your story is pretty much prime example of what I was talking about, when I said that people rush into it and now almost every relationship is based on jumping into bed as soon as possible (for some strange reason)

I'm very glad you posted thankyou for doing so

 

[Kevonovitch]

i have a friend thats asexual, and honestly, i can't wrap my head around it, considering i was a sex addict, and now a'days, i still want get a lil action, but just not interested in anything my town has to offer, (would you if the majority was jailbait hookers working for the hells angles, meth addicts, or potheads that are diseased and will sleep with anyone? yeah...no ty.) it's an interesting thing to vicariously view, but, not for me thats my opinion.

 

[Criquefreak]

Better to be able to choose such an option than have it forced upon you by the oversexualized society.

It's like some kind of comedy how many people obsess so much over such a short-term act. It's particularly humorous when it's by those who don't consider it anything more than a no-strings pleasurable act. At least when it's a topical matter of those who actively want children it doesn't feel like watching a bad sitcom.

While humans are sexual beings, they're first and foremost social beings. With the way sex is treated by popular culture, it's amazing more people haven't chosen asexuality out of contempt of the way most have become dismissive of deeper and longer-term relationships or the disregard of people as anything more than sex objects.

As far as knowing anyone who is of an asexual mind-set, nada. There's been times the conversations I've heard felt like I'm a paraplegic listening to people wax on about how great it feels to be able to run.

 

[KSarty]

You seem to equate asexuality with being single, and this simply isn't the case. Being asexual does not mean that you have no interest in having a significant other.

Beside that point, I find I dislike most people who are asexual. I'm not sure if being an arrogant prick is related to being asexual, just that in my few experiences it happened to be the case.

 

[Shuichi_boy]

Think you're asexual?

Wait. Might take a few years, but wait.

You won't be forever.

I was too until my early 20's. Then I got run over by the hornymobile. And onwards the hornymobile went, its driver giving me neither a glance backwards nor a jaunty wave of the hand.

At the time I wasn't quite sure what happened to me, other than that it was quickly becoming clear that the carefully constructed persona I had crafted for myself was beginning to crumble into little bits.

Some people feel pretty much sexual the instant puberty hits. For many others, it takes time. It's only in extremely, exceptionally rare cases that it persists throughout a person's lifetime.