Being cheated on

[EPIC_MAN_OF_BACON]

Never cheated on no one, been accused multiple times. the thing about it is that all been the same girl, my wife now Its because she was abused by passed bfs (one actually broke one of her ribs) to the point where she was a broken girl. the rib and the fact she DID get drunk at a party and got used by a drunk guy... a year before we meet.

At first she kept it from me, and when a friend of hers spilled the beans i asked her about it. she cried so hard and confused everything. she promised me she has never drunk a single drop of alcohol since, and she cried and screamed for me to forgive her.

being a christen man (and having converted her) i was rather shocked at this, and quite betrayed she would hide this from me, and disappointed that i wasn't her first time...

But then i looked at her sobbing, and what can i say, i loved her (still do), and simply said, "It was before you meet me, you were a reckless party girl that knew nothing of god. You have obviously repented, meaning i am in no position to judge or to forgive, for there is nothing to forgive" she looked at me and said but i should've told you, you had a right to know, you were always talking about how you liked that i was a virgin, and i wasn't, i'll never forgive myself!

Me, i just kissed her, "No need, I still love you, i'm not mad. Really i'm not"
Year later we were married and 8 months after that we have a baby boy.

Moral (and relevance to the original post) it does depend on the situation and tone. she didn't cheat on me, i didn't cheat on her, but she kept a very important secret from me, and it still bothers me (but not enough to where i leave her, i mean that's dumb), but i know she wont do it again just by how vehemently she begged. if he said, "Hey. i cheated on you" then that's probably grounds to dismiss him and kick his a-hole outta the room, but he begged and sniffled in forgiveness, then wth keep him, but keep him on a leash.
i'm 24 years old, married my high school sweet heart form 10th grade, been together for a solid 9 years with a child and a home life gets better girl, always does

 

[loc978]

the standard, implied exclusivity our culture is so fond of flat-out disgusts me. Sorta implies ownership, from where I stand.

Could I ask you why exactly it "disgusts" you?

You actually quoted my explanation there. It implies ownership. A human being owning another human being. I understand that for most the ideal is more like a symbiosis, but my experience viewing other people's relationships is that the ideal is very rarely realized... and people become property in all but name more often than not.
Those who are strong enough end those relationships. Most aren't, and stay in 'em until they become a train wreck.

It doesn't imply ownership when they're free to leave and the exact same obligation is expected of each person. That'd be like saying they own each other.

being free to leave is a very new concept, in terms of social acceptance. Look back even 50 years in human history and you encounter quite literal ownership in "relationships".
It's getting better. Slowly. For example... I'm not completely socially ostracized for my view on the matter, at least outside of religious circles.

but it still comes down to some people developing an unhealthy obsession, while others lie and use to get laid.

Unhealthy obsession?

Something we're trained for from a young age. The common thread of "true love" in stories being shoved down our throats until we absolutely expect our lives to turn out the way the story does. It essentially causes people to construct an ideal mate, and then project that construct onto a person (who may have a few surface similarities to the ideal, but of course isn't that made-up ideal. To see this in action, you pretty much just have to look at almost any hard break-up.

I'll agree with this. I know a girl who is a hopeless romantic in the extreme. She dives head first into relationships, always thinking that it's "the one". Being an idealist can be poison to a relationship. Hell, I could even forgive minor "transgressions", I've been there, I know how things can snowball out of control. I think an "ideal" relationship is just the opposite of that word. Seeing your partner as human and not an "ideal" is how to make a relationship last.

...or to be able to see and admit it when a relationship can't last. Just as important.

 

[neonsword13-ops]

I can pretty much say it's a dealbreaker.

Umm, dude, not to harsh your buzz or anything but you actually have to type something below the quote. You can't just quote a person and not say anything.

I know you're new here and all, but you can get banned for that sorta thing.

Just a friendly warning.

 

[AngloDoom]

Personally, once someone cheats on me then I dump them. The trust is gone and it won't be coming back no matter how much you try - it's extremely hard to prove you haven't cheated on someone, and unfortunately I've been used far too many times in the past.

Then again, some people can work through it I guess. That's just me, and trust is a big word in my world.

 

[Easton Dark]

Virginity and knowing god snip

Just saying, and I only have what was said to go on so if I misunderstood something please forgive, but this part disgusts me.

OT: Would be kind of hard to be angry at being cheated on currently, considering the relationship dynamics and all that science-y mumbo jumbo. But I have no intention of cheating. When I start a relationship, that person is at the top of my priorities.

 

[martyrdrebel27]

So, my boyfriend cheated on me. He confessed to it, which I suppose makes it easier than discovering the truth yourself.

I could go into more detail, but I'm not really looking for advice, I'm just looking for people's views on, and personal experiences with, infidelity.

I figure it's a good a topic for a thread as any, and I could gain something useful from it, I suppose.

let this one go. it's never the same, it's never going to be okay. but you need to get out of this one before the scars congeal and make future relationships harder.

 

[Girl With One Eye]

I won't go into much detail, but yes I have been cheated on. Most relationships don't recover from something like that. It's not up for us to decide if you should forgive him or not, but if you want my opinion..forgiving him doesn't mean the end of it. You won't ever forget what he did, and it will haunt you. It will play on your mind, every call or text he gets, every time he goes out and doesn't call. Whatever happens, being cheated on is a horrible thing and it's a kind of pain that never goes away. I am really sorry that this happened to you, and I hope that whatever choice you make is the right one for you.

 

[Zack Alklazaris]

So, my boyfriend cheated on me. He confessed to it, which I suppose makes it easier than discovering the truth yourself.

I could go into more detail, but I'm not really looking for advice, I'm just looking for people's views on, and personal experiences with, infidelity.

I figure it's a good a topic for a thread as any, and I could gain something useful from it, I suppose.

I cheated WITH someone. As in they were in a relationship, I knew about it, but I did it anyway.

It was exciting and dangerous. But cruel and I felt like shit for it. Also she was a total whore and I felt no real love from it. An empty relationship. That might be good for some guys, but not this one. I like my cuddles, my kisses, my I love yous, and falling asleep in each others arms.
My wife says I'm either gay or a chick lol

 

[FernandoV]

So, my boyfriend cheated on me. He confessed to it, which I suppose makes it easier than discovering the truth yourself.

I could go into more detail, but I'm not really looking for advice, I'm just looking for people's views on, and personal experiences with, infidelity.

I figure it's a good a topic for a thread as any, and I could gain something useful from it, I suppose.

Maybe you should start working on the things wrong with you so this won't have to be repeated.

 

[mitchell271]

Cheating is one of the worst things you can do to someone, mostly for a myriad of psychological problems that can and will develop down the road. It breaks the trust of your partner, you begin suspecting other partners that you have in future, if the person who you're cheating with finds out it destroys their trust of you and possibly any other person. Friends/family may hate you for a long time and you will probably deal with depression.

So you get all that for what? A couple nights with some stranger? Yeah *rolls eyes* totally worth it.

While I never have I been cheated on, nor have I cheated on someone, I know what comes out of it due to my behavioral psychology classes and friends (and a few ex-friends) who have gone through this. They don't come out the other side looking pretty to say the least.

-snip-

*non-sarcastic slow clap* Bravo, that is beautiful. If only you had though to crack an egg in the ventilation before you left.

 

[ResonanceSD]

Girlfriend cheated on me, then left.

Shit at the time, awesome now.

Seriously. Get out of there.

 

[EPIC_MAN_OF_BACON]

Just saying, and I only have what was said to go on so if I misunderstood something please forgive, but this part disgusts me.

well you know, its a legit want, you're a virgin, you want a virgin, your're a horny guy (or slutty cooze) you want the same. and god, well im a christian and i believe in god, i put him into everything i do, so cheating and fornicating is kinda of BIG no-no, hence want of a virgin, but god accepts forgiveness, and so should I. If you think that is disgusting, then god bless you brother, for he still loves you even if you deny him.

 

[Xannidel]

I have never sexually cheated on a girl, I have on two occasions kissed another girl and that was it. When I was in high school I dated a girl and she turned out to be a real bi polar ***** and years later I realized that she had cheated on me, she was not only very possessive of me but also was avoiding me as well.

OT: If you can trust in that person again then stay with him but I dunno if you will get paranoid or not after a while.

It is always a shame to hear about these sort of stories and I wish you good luck with whatever choice you make.

 

[garjian]

I don't understand the problem.
So you have sex with somebody else, what's the problem?

Nothing was lost, why would anyones opinion change?

Sometimes I eat apples, but then I might have an orange, why should that mean that I have somehow betrayed the apples and should never eat apples again? But the act of doing one thing apparently means that another can no longer be done, why?

I can see absolutely no logical reason for restricting yourself to having sex with only one person, no natter what the situation.
I find people who complain about cheating annoying... If somebody cheats on you, what have you lost? nothing. If they don't like you anymore, that's not because they cheated, that's why they cheated, and they were perhaps worried they'd hurt your feelings if they just broke up with you suddenly. Whatever the reason, its not the fact that they cheated that caused any problem.
Breaking up with somebody because they've cheated means the relationship failed because of your intolerance, because you shouldn't be affected at all.

Furthermore, it's just as ridiculous to believe that people are only capable of loving one person.

I really can not see a reason as to why people are so weird about this stuff... what is the problem?
I have an Xbox, Wii, DS, PSP and a PC... I use them all...
I shop at Tesco, Morrisons, Asda and sometimes M&S.
I'm friends with Danny, Clancey, Rory and Jane...
Is any of that wrong? Do any of those abandon me because the others are around, no.
Then why can I not have sex with several people? Why am I incapable of loving several people?
In no way can explain it to myself.

Cheating is one of the worst things you can do to someone, mostly for a myriad of psychological problems that can and will develop down the road. It breaks the trust of your partner, you begin suspecting other partners that you have in future, if the person who you're cheating with finds out it destroys their trust of you and possibly any other person. Friends/family may hate you for a long time and you will probably deal with depression.

This is exactly what I'm talking about...
Why should cheating cause psychological problems when it doesn't even involve them? Trust? What if I told my partner in advance I was going to cheat? would that make it ok? I would assume not.
I'd expect a "no.", theyd get a "Why?", and I would get a meaningless "Because it's wrong!" back. "Why?" again... basically, They're getting psychologically damaged by their own intolerance to cheating, when it does nothing to them, my opinion of them hasn't changed... why should anything change? nothing happened to them.

 

[EPIC_MAN_OF_BACON]

I don't understand the problem.
So you have sex with somebody else, what's the problem?

Nothing was lost, why would anyones opinion change?

I can see absolutely no logical reason for restricting yourself to having sex with only one person, no natter what the situation.

Furthermore, it's just as ridiculous to believe that people are only capable of loving one person.

well, one were talking about RELATIONSHIPS HERE, and LOVE. If you love more than one person that's polygamy and banned in a lot of places. Two, its hurts the other persons feelings for themselves, like they're not good enough, like they're not enough. period. Third, that eliminates the prospect of a relationship, a special person for you alone. if you love more than that person, its not special anymore, they're just another play thing.

 

[ThePenguinKnight]

I was kind of cheated on by a girl who claimed to be my girlfriend, but never was, so I don't know if that counts. I do have friends who have been cheated on, once they cheat on you and are forgiven they'll just continue to cheat until the relationship is completely demolished.

 

[garjian]

I don't understand the problem.
So you have sex with somebody else, what's the problem?

Nothing was lost, why would anyones opinion change?

I can see absolutely no logical reason for restricting yourself to having sex with only one person, no natter what the situation.

Furthermore, it's just as ridiculous to believe that people are only capable of loving one person.

well, one were talking about RELATIONSHIPS HERE, and LOVE. If you love more than one person that's polygamy and banned in a lot of places. Two, its hurts the other persons feelings for themselves, like they're not good enough, like they're not enough. period. Third, that eliminates the prospect of a relationship, a special person for you alone. if you love more than that person, its not special anymore, they're just another play thing.

1. Ask yourself... Why is it banned? Why? Is it because our civilization used to live by the many redundant ideals of religion and not all of the laws and culture have changed at the same pace as others? or is it because the original partner will spontaneously combust into a cloud if poisonous gas that will painfully kill anybody nearby? I like to imagine it's the second so I can stand to live in such a silly society.
Polygamy does not cause any actual problems. Polygamy does not kill, harm, or take anything away from anyone. All it does do, is cause the benefits system and some laws to need revamping a little, those that are structured around 2 person relationships.
2. Its noones fault but their own if they feel inferior because of something that doesn't even involve them. Spilling over into 3...
3. Why is that the definition of a relationship? Why can't three or more people all love each other? Because that's not special enough for you? Well anyone could just as easily say that monogamy isn't special and that that should be "banned". It would be just as valid.

What's your point exactly?
Love has to be between just 2 people? What about families? A family of 4 manages to love each other, each in their own way... jealousy does occur, but it is considered normal... that's apparently not a problem. Why not a relationship between 4 people? Explain to me how that will not work.

Also, to be clear, we weren't talking about relationships. We were talking about a member of a relationship having sex with somebody outside that relationship and how that has no effect on anything.

 

[Condiments]

Also, to be clear, we weren't talking about relationships. We were talking about a member of a relationship having sex with somebody outside that relationship and how that has no effect on anything.

Relationships are about clearly defined boundaries bound together through mutual trust. Everyone has different expectations, and things they're comfortable with, and if the couple don't agree on said boundaries they should not be entering a relationship. Its perfectly fine if someone wants an open relationship so they can pursue multiple sexual partners, but holding people to that same expectation when they don't feel the same way is asinine. People want different things out relationships and partners, and if the needs aren't congruent, than its best to find someone else.

A person "cheats" because they breach the boundaries that were established through the relationship.

 

[garjian]

Also, to be clear, we weren't talking about relationships. We were talking about a member of a relationship having sex with somebody outside that relationship and how that has no effect on anything.

Relationships are about clearly defined boundaries bound together through mutual trust. Everyone has different expectations, and things they're comfortable with, and if the couple don't agree on said boundaries they should not be entering a relationship. Its perfectly fine if someone wants an open relationship so they can pursue multiple sexual partners, but holding people to that same expectation when they don't feel the same way is asinine. People want different things out relationships and partners, and if the needs aren't congruent, than its best to find someone else.

A person "cheats" because they breach the boundaries that were established through the relationship.

Can't disagree with that.
However, if this were the case there should not be a law against bigamy...
I hope peoples opinions change though... the restriction makes no sense.

I thought the point of a relationship was that you actually liked each other, and I dont see how anyone can think that the metaphorical attachment of a leash to one's penis is symbolic of that.

 

[bullet_sandw1ch]

I've cheated on every Girlfriend I've had, apart from the first. I would do it again.

cant tell if sarcastic or stupid. if stupid, people like YOU are the reason men get a bad rep.