Being cheated on

[game-lover]

I also feel like speaking more of my views. I've learned two things.

One... Among the many reasons I don't want to have children is so that I don't get stuck with a cheating partner. None of that staying for the kids bull shit. If I dump someone who cheated on me, all ties will be severed. SEVERED.

Two:

I've cheated on every Girlfriend I've had, apart from the first. I would do it again.

You are the type of person I would never date. Yes, I'd never realize this fact until after we'd been together for a while but as soon as we started chatting about our past relationships, I'd dump you in a heartbeat.

Provided you didn't cheat on me first. Then I would just make sure I'd ruin your life. Better hope the chick you slept with wasn't a coworker. Because HR is gonna be the first to know.

And suchity such.

 

[Strain42]

Honestly, I just don't put up with it. If a girl wants to cheat, she can go be with that guy. I'm not going to put up with trying to fix a problem that she caused that could have easily been avoided.

I admit, I say that now, and I've even acted on that. It's much easier to say that when you're young and things are casual, but I do worry about how I'll handle it when I'm married with kids. Would I react the same way now when I'm happily married? I'd like to think in that scenario I'd work harder to get at the root of the problem.

But right now, as far as I'm concerned, if you're with me and you want to sleep with someone else. Go right ahead. Just don't expect me to stick around.

 

[game-lover]

Honey, Hookah don't give a fuck.

Don't give a fuck if you do or not.

Your only purpose was to serve as my example.

 

[Waaghpowa]

She cheated on my with my best friend at the time, and tried to make out to be my fault.

My solution, don't bother getting involved. I'm one of those guys who goes years without a relationship due to several reasons.

1) I'm not the social type, meaning I'm not much for "going out". Generally when I do go out, it's with one of two friends, never groups. I hate groups. By no means does this mean I have no social skills, I have very good social skills, I just don't like people much. So you can imagine how infrequently a relationship could occur with me.

2) I don't give a shit enough to look for a relationship most of the time.

3) I live in a town where the woman are all apparently stupid and will ALWAYS go for the same kind of guy. You know those party douche bags that treat them like crap? Or if you're having trouble creating a mental image, Jersey Shore. Yeah, lots of those around here.

Most recent relationship ended 3 weeks ago because I supposedly wasn't spending enough time with her. The thing is I go to college full time and work part time, I barely have enough time to myself and I tried to make as much time as possible. It ended abruptly, no discussion or talks, no attempt on her end to fix anything. What ticks me off is that I'm going to college, not only to secure my future, but the possibility of being supportive enough to have her in my future. I feel resentful like I was being taken for granted.

Some woman can be incredibly dumb.

 

[Xangba]

No second chances with cheaters is my policy. If they've done it once, they'll do it again. Seriously, how can anyone truly believe that someone who has cheated on them will never do it again?

 

[Syzygy23]

So far as I am concerned, an act of infidelity is, while deplorable, forgivable (at least on its own if other details are ignored). While a person can gladly and willingly offer one's heart and mind exclusively to one other individual, getting the part of the brain controlling baser functions to shut the hell up about the pretty/handsome (wo)man at work and get in line with the rest is... difficult to accomplish for even the most disciplined of human beings. This is unfortunately especially true for us men, we're wired to spread ourselves out, while women are wired to cling to a single partner.

What is unforgivable about such acts in my opinion is lying to your partner, whether about your feelings for them waning, an infatuation for someone else, an infatuation that has been... satisfied with someone else, whatever. Dishonesty is the real relationship killer, and worse still, it can cause a great deal of pain to someone who cares for you.

That argument only works for animals. We're human beings, we have something called "higher cognitive functionality", which means we can consciously over ride our substratal nature. There is no excuse for cheating beyond "Being a Selfish Assclown".

 

[game-lover]

Now who's using people..

*laughs* You're not getting any guilt from me.

 

[manic_depressive13]

I've never cheated or been cheated on. However, I think I could forgive my boyfriend quite easily if he had a one night stand (or even several one night stands) as long as he didn't catch anything. If he were emotionally invested in someone else and was frequently seeing them behind my back, on the other hand, I'd end the relationship. I don't understand why you wouldn't just break up with the first partner rather than awkwardly attempt to juggle two relationships in tandem.

I don't really get why people freak out so much when it comes to cheating and act like it's the worst thing in the world. In a lot of cases it's just sex, and when it's more than that, you can always break up. All this argle bargle my heart was shattered and I'll never be the same stuff is a bit ridiculous. Why is being cheated on worse than being broken up with in the conventional manner?

 

[emeraldrafael]

I think its agood test of hthe relationship. ive been cheated on before, and although we broke up, it wasnt till months after when it more became a distance thing and we realized that the relationship had run its course.

if the partner is honest and understand that it hurts that they did it, I think its fine, but eh cheated party does need to be open to forgiveness and not holds this over their head and in the back of their minds forever.

 

[JoesshittyOs]

I almost got caught up in a situation where I was gonna be the scumbag a few years back. It was the first time I had ever had a 'rough patch' in a relationship, and basically just kinda went along with the "well, it's over anyways".

The girl I almost cheated on with slyly told me that it was a bad idea, and then I felt like crap, and decided that I needed to end the relationship. Went to a dance with the girlfriend at the time (have no idea why I thought that was a good place to end it), and ended up having one of the better nights of my life with and the relationship ended up lasting a good 3 more months (Long time for High School).

Needless to say, that was a changing point in my life. I've grown up considerably since than, and I'd like to say I'm a different person.

And when I think about it, the girl I nearly cheated on with is one of those few people that I think is truly a good person, who I tried to take advantage of.

I certainly was an asshole back then.

 

[game-lover]

I've never cheated or been cheated on. However, I think I could forgive my boyfriend quite easily if he had a one night stand (or even several one night stands) as long as he didn't catch anything. If he were emotionally invested in someone else and was frequently seeing them behind my back, on the other hand, I'd end the relationship. I don't understand why you wouldn't just break up with the first partner rather than awkwardly attempt to juggle two relationships in tandem.

I don't really get why people freak out so much when it comes to cheating and act like it's the worst thing in the world. In a lot of cases it's just sex, and when it's more than that, you can always break up. All this argle bargle my heart was shattered and I'll never be the same stuff is a bit ridiculous. Why is being cheated on worse than being broken up with in the conventional manner?

Well to start, at least if you dump someone in a conventional manner, there's no lies and deceit going on. As far as we know. No stringing anyone along or any of that shit. You have a nice, honest relationship that comes to a sad end yet potentially amicable. For a lot of people, the lying is a big issue. It's why you tend to hear the words "lying" in such insults as "lying, dirty cheater."

Also, I personally don't see how saying it's "just sex" is supposed to make it hurt less. You know what that'd tell me if my guy cheated on me and told me that? How it was just for the sex?

That our relationship wasn't worth shit. That he was willing to risk throwing everything away that we had for however long for nothing. Nothing at all. Just a cheap, meaningless fuck. Never mind that I was available for sexy times. Apparently, I wasn't enough. Apparently he hadn't gotten over his desire to fuck a new chick every other day. And if that's the case, he shouldn't have committed to me. And because our relationship wasn't worth anything, that would send a message to me that I was not worth much to him either.

So no. "Just Sex" changes nothing in my eyes.

I'm damn sure I probably wouldn't wanna touch him or have him touch me after learning that he was with someone else.

 

[garjian]

snip

*double take* No, really, WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST READ?!?!

Are you SERIOUSLLY comparing love and relationships to FRUIT AND ELECTROINICS?!?!?!! First, you will notice that they are inanimate objects, thus incapable of feeling the pain of betrayel and rejection like a human. Second, THEY DONT HAVE FEELINGS, while every girl that I know, LITERALLY EVERYONE would be at the very least hurt if you are guilty of infidelity, and in the case of my 3 closest friends and my girlfriend, they will VIOLENTLY punish infidelity (my girlfriends "I will ***** slap you with your own hands." threat.)

As for "Friends", Being friends and being in a relationship are two TOTALLY different things. It is a given that I will let my girlfriend hug her friends, and I can hug mine, but we can kiss friends, we cant hold hands with friends, and we CERTAINLY cant "sleep" with them (except we have both swore abstainence until marriage, so we dont even "sleep" with eachother). In my eyes, Polygamy is nothing but legalized Infidelity.

firstly, no, I compared sex to those. I also compared businesses and friends if you'd care to
include those, which do have feelings. All of which were given to show how absurd this rejection of polygamy and open relationships is.
Cheating damages nobody. Betrayal might, shock might, but those are all in the other partners control. Noone is forced to feel those things, they caused it themselves by having such outdated and redundant traditional values, and should absolutely no appearance if they were told about it before or right away, because no trust was broken.
Nothing happens to them, but they take it upon themselves to be depressed. You may as well be getting like that over every person who has sex, because unless it's with you, then it doesn't effect you, so I can't understand why anyone would act in such a way.

So you believe that part of a loving relationship is to force your partner into a set of restrictions that restrict "kissing, hand holding and sex"? So, what if I were to hold a friends hand? Does my partner explode? no. Do they get cancer? I dont think so. Does anything happen to them? no. They were not involved in any way, so nothing happens. Same appliues up the chain, with kissing and with sex. It's got nothing to do with anyone but the people who are doing it.

Secondly, if you believe a family of 3 or more can all love each other, then why can you not accept a relationship between 3 or more people? You're telling people they don't have the right to love mote than one person equally, and that is clearly wrong.

Youre not even thinking.
Where did you get this set of rules that all relationships must follow? Can you not think for yourself? ...because it sounds to me that you refuse to even think about anything I say, hence the fact that you ignored almost everything I've written. But if you just thought about it, you'd realize that cheating changes nothing. Hell, you'd at least realize how stupid it I'd to believe that only 2 people are capable of love and that sex and love are quite separate.

 

[garjian]

I've cheated on every Girlfriend I've had, apart from the first. I would do it again.

cant tell if sarcastic or stupid. if stupid, people like YOU are the reason men get a bad rep.

Aww, and people like you are the reason cheating is considered a bad thing, and polygamy is considered abnormal. Isn't it nice when we all get to know each other?

Cheating and open, honest, polyamorous relationships are VERY different things. Probably best not to equate them.

If everyone in a relationship is happy to get their loving where they can find it, that's wonderful. However, some people aren't built like that... they can only love one person at a time, and want someone else who can give them that sort of commitment. If you have to hide your other partners from your significant other, in what sense do you have a healthy relationship that should continue?

That first point is very true, but that's what everyone I'm responding to seems to misunderstand... I mean, "Polygamy is legalized infidelity" is what I'm dealing with here. You know I do not confuse the two if you read my other posts, I brought it up originally simply to show a way in which people having sex with more than one person in a relationship and don't all immediately commit suicide.

People like you are why polygamy is considered a bad thing. Look, you're confusing it with cheating!

that applies to this too.

The second I also agree with, hiding things and keeping secrets isn't healthy for a relationship, and if you have to do so, then that relationship will end. However, the point is that there should be nothing to hide. Its hiding and sneaking around and seeing your partner as an enemy that can't find out, is what's damaging the relationship, not the having sex with somebody else part, because it doesn't actually involve the relationship at all. It shouldn't be something that you have to hide.

 

[joshuaayt]

Humn. In High School, I found out my lady-friend had slept with some other dude in my year... when I walked in on the act itself during our formal after party. It felt kinda like a movie, actually.

I couldn't sleep that night (After I sort of just walked out of the party)- I really liked this girl, and I was worried that was going to be the end of our relationship. I went through all the "Man, maybe I was just a terrible boyfriend" stuff in my head, and eventually decided to try and fix everything up next time we met at school.

She apologised, I told her I forgave her and just wanted to keep everything as it was. Then she got angry and broke up with me.

I guess the moral of this story is... get mad when people cheat on you?

 

[Sexy Devil]

Humn. In High School, I found out my lady-friend had slept with some other dude in my year... when I walked in on the act itself during our formal after party. It felt kinda like a movie, actually.

I couldn't sleep that night (After I sort of just walked out of the party)- I really liked this girl, and I was worried that was going to be the end of our relationship. I went through all the "Man, maybe I was just a terrible boyfriend" stuff in my head, and eventually decided to try and fix everything up next time we met at school.

She apologised, I told her I forgave her and just wanted to keep everything as it was. Then she got angry and broke up with me.

I guess the moral of this story is... get mad when people cheat on you?

The moral of the story is don't accept blame for crap that isn't your fault. If she had issues with the relationship then she should've told you, and not cheated on you. Instead you decided that her violation of trust was your fault because you totally weren't satisfying her.

This is a pretty ideal situation for displaying the difference between a nice guy and a tool.

 

[garjian]

-snip-

I... Uh... You.... What?! Have you ever even *been* in a relationship?

I can't help but think you're trolling, but assuming you're not I'll try to get this through to you.

There is nothing wrong with casual sex. Nor with having multiple sexual partners. Getting involved with someone with the express purpose of having an 'open' relationship (with your partner knowing this from the start, and accepting it) is fine. The only people that would argue otherwise are people who think sex for the sake of sex is immoral. However, this by definition is *not* cheating. It's casual sex, and that's ok.

Cheating is an enormous betrayal, it fucks people around and for good reason. The point of a committed relationship isn't for sex, it's for the companionship and love you get to feel for an individual. It's knowing you can trust them with anything, that you come before anyone else, that they can't get that type of emotional bond with anyone else.

Believing a relationship is meaningful and then discovering your partner has been lying to you and seeing someone else without your knowledge or consent... What do you think that does to someone? Luckily for me I've never experienced it, but I can only imagine how I'd feel if my current girlfriend cheated on me.

Your Xbox, PS3 and Wii example is... well, it shows you completely miss the point. Unlike a games console,a boyfriend or girlfriend is not something to be simply used for your entertainment. You don't owe a PS3 anything. If you decide to jump platforms to an XBOX, it doesn't care. It's *unable* to care. However, you DO owe a partner on so many levels. You owe it to them to be honest, caring, and to show them the same respect they show to you. To think otherwise, that you can just stroll along and fuck the next pretty little thing you lay your eyes on and to think your partner should be OK with that... Well, it's an enormously childish and incredibly self centred way to think.


/rant

Anyway, I've long decided that if I was ever cheated on, that's it for the relationship. I'd move on and find someone worth my time, because I sure as hell wouldn't be able to trust someone who'd cheated on me, and without trust there's no point having a relationship.

This is a toughie... hmmmmmm...

Yes, lying/betrayal, very bad for a relationship, certainly. Perhaps the angle is that there's no reason for a relationship to not be open. Seeing as casual sex is fine, and adding that having sex with somebody else in itself is not lying/betrayal and doesn't effect the partner... The problem is this set of rules. I don't recall seeing any relationship begin with a Sheldon Cooper-esque agreement, or any discussion of the sort, it's just expected of you.

So that's my point, I can't understand why people make such rules for others, when the offense has no actual effect. They shouldn't, because it either restricts one person or depresses another, and both put unnecessary stress on this precious relationship.

Also, I used other examples other than bloody games consoles. I came up from non-living, partially, actually living and nonpersonal, then personal I believe. perhaps I should've defended rather than ascended.

 

[The Dutchess]

When I think about cheating I think: Even though he KNEW it would hurt you, even though he KNEW what he was doing was wrong, he went ahead and did it ANYWAY. I think the honest truth is that someone who cheats can't have cared that deeply about you anyway. The question you've got to ask yourself is will he care enough in the future to never do it again. Cheating isn't a "mistake" it means that he willingly crawled into bed with another woman, an act he could've put a stop to at any point, and had sex with her. A kiss is a moment of stupidity, sex is a huge choice.

I wouldn't be able to forgive. For a start I'd make him miserable: every time he did something wrong or suspicious I know I'd be on his ass making snide remarks. It wouldn't be on purpose it's just how I am, I'd use it like a weapon against him.

Anyway if he finds someone else so bloody attractive he can piss off and date her.

 

[garjian]

Maybe I see something here that isn't entirely meant to be, but, I feel I must bring attention to two things.

First, we have the line "If somebody cheats on you, what have you lost? nothing. If they don't like you anymore, that's not because they cheated, that's why they cheated..."

Second, we have this line "again... basically, They're getting psychologically damaged by their own intolerance to cheating, when it does nothing to them, my opinion of them hasn't changed..."

Correct me if I am wrong, but this should mean that if someone is considered to be "cheating" then their opinion of the person they have cheated on may have in fact been altered. Even if such a thing is so insignificant as a change from "I like this person" to "Eh, not so much."

That's just what I think. Also, I think I may have gathered that you may have some tendencies toward polyamory/polygamy, and, as I understand it, polygamy/polyamory has some sort of implicit communication between all parties that "cheating" isn't an issue. This leaves me a bit confused as to your use of the word. Feel free to comment or correct me as to your opinions or views on this.

You got it backwards.
The point if the first thing you quoted was that the cheating did not cause the change, it occured beforehand and led them to look elsewhere.
Wether the cheating happened or not, it would have still changed from "like" to "meh". IIRC, in that scenario I said that in that case, perhaps the reason was that the relationship meant a lot to the other person and they didn't want to break it up, illogical yes but I can imagine that, but they themselves weren't so keen anymore. All of which occurs before and may lead to cheating, rather than being caused by cheating.

 

[herpaderphurr]

No experience with it personally. I wouldn't recommend trying to stay together, in general. Once a cheater, always a cheater, etc. etc.

But that's from an objective point of view. Unfortunately, if it ever happened to me, I'm not sure if I would have the strength to do so myself, even though it would probably be for the better.

As for cheating, myself - never. Never in my life. If I'm not satisfied with a relationship, I will break it off myself first and then go screw around, instead of being a coward fucking scumbag about it.

 

[Aeonknight]

-snip-

I... Uh... You.... What?! Have you ever even *been* in a relationship?

I can't help but think you're trolling, but assuming you're not I'll try to get this through to you.

There is nothing wrong with casual sex. Nor with having multiple sexual partners. Getting involved with someone with the express purpose of having an 'open' relationship (with your partner knowing this from the start, and accepting it) is fine. The only people that would argue otherwise are people who think sex for the sake of sex is immoral. However, this by definition is *not* cheating. It's casual sex, and that's ok.

Cheating is an enormous betrayal, it fucks people around and for good reason. The point of a committed relationship isn't for sex, it's for the companionship and love you get to feel for an individual. It's knowing you can trust them with anything, that you come before anyone else, that they can't get that type of emotional bond with anyone else.

Believing a relationship is meaningful and then discovering your partner has been lying to you and seeing someone else without your knowledge or consent... What do you think that does to someone? Luckily for me I've never experienced it, but I can only imagine how I'd feel if my current girlfriend cheated on me.

Your Xbox, PS3 and Wii example is... well, it shows you completely miss the point. Unlike a games console,a boyfriend or girlfriend is not something to be simply used for your entertainment. You don't owe a PS3 anything. If you decide to jump platforms to an XBOX, it doesn't care. It's *unable* to care. However, you DO owe a partner on so many levels. You owe it to them to be honest, caring, and to show them the same respect they show to you. To think otherwise, that you can just stroll along and fuck the next pretty little thing you lay your eyes on and to think your partner should be OK with that... Well, it's an enormously childish and incredibly self centred way to think.


/rant

Anyway, I've long decided that if I was ever cheated on, that's it for the relationship. I'd move on and find someone worth my time, because I sure as hell wouldn't be able to trust someone who'd cheated on me, and without trust there's no point having a relationship.

Pretty much this. But there's another level that it destroys.

Respect.

It'd be hard to respect someone who can't control their bodily urges. And if there's no trust and no respect, there's no relationship. Period.