Being cheated on

[Fliegar]

Been cheated on. I won't go into details on the event, but I know it changed the way I think quote a bit. Before that, I used to be very trusting of people, and was fairly certain I had met someone who wouldn't do anything that hurtful. I was wrong.

I forgave her, but I got extremely paranoid afterwards. It turned out that she cheated twice more afterwards, and that my paranoia was well placed, but I'd rather not have to be thinking the worst all the time. I won't let a lack of trust ruin anything in the future, but being cheated on, especially by someone you really love, pretty much shatters your feelings. I became rather over-bearing, and eventually decided it wasn't meant to be.

If you're going to cheat, you might as well just end the relationship. I think an important step in a relationship is to clearly state what you want, in order to avoid any misconceptions having to do with cheating. It's not for everyone, but if the concept of exclusivity between partners isn't something the other person agrees with, then the two people are better off not dating at all.

 

[joshuaayt]

Humn. In High School, I found out my lady-friend had slept with some other dude in my year... when I walked in on the act itself during our formal after party. It felt kinda like a movie, actually.

I couldn't sleep that night (After I sort of just walked out of the party)- I really liked this girl, and I was worried that was going to be the end of our relationship. I went through all the "Man, maybe I was just a terrible boyfriend" stuff in my head, and eventually decided to try and fix everything up next time we met at school.

She apologised, I told her I forgave her and just wanted to keep everything as it was. Then she got angry and broke up with me.

I guess the moral of this story is... get mad when people cheat on you?

The moral of the story is don't accept blame for crap that isn't your fault. If she had issues with the relationship then she should've told you, and not cheated on you. Instead you decided that her violation of trust was your fault because you totally weren't satisfying her.

This is a pretty ideal situation for displaying the difference between a nice guy and a tool.

Perhaps. This occurred a while ago, and I tried not to dwell on it. I suppose it was stupid to accept blame for her wrongdoing- I can't even say if I didn't see it as such at the time.

Well, I learned something from it all, at least.

 

[garjian]

Also, I personally don't see how saying it's "just sex" is supposed to make it hurt less. You know what that'd tell me if my guy cheated on me and told me that? How it was just for the sex?

That our relationship wasn't worth shit. That he was willing to risk throwing everything away that we had for however long for nothing. Nothing at all. Just a cheap, meaningless fuck. Never mind that I was available for sexy times. Apparently, I wasn't enough. Apparently he hadn't gotten over his desire to fuck a new chick every other day. And if that's the case, he shouldn't have committed to me. And because our relationship wasn't worth anything, that would send a message to me that I was not worth much to him either.

So no. "Just Sex" changes nothing in my eyes.

I'm damn sure I probably wouldn't wanna touch him or have him touch me after learning that he was with someone else.

I see, so you only date virgins then.

How does it make your relationship worthless again? because he knew you would consider it worthless afterwards and still did it?
Surely if you just didn't consider it worthless there would be no problem.
Why can't you love being around somebody, find them interesting, funny, great to be around, good looking, everything... you want spend the rest of your life with them etc. ...and find other people just simply attractive... why would it make a relationship worthless just to act on that? Your emotions towards your partner havent changed... nothing has. Surely you know that lust and love are very different?

As a bi guy, I get an itch, nobody who loves me would stop me from scratching it. Stopping it would make the relationship very difficult, tense and needlessly restrictive and ultimately just as tarnished as any betrayal-born paranoia would cause... even though I'd done nothing wrong.

 

[The Night Angel]

I hate people that cheat. If you aren't ready for a relationship, don't get into on. There is no valid excuse for me. I was cheated on once, and it crushed me. I didn't speak to my twin brother for a week when I found out he cheated on his girlfriend. Same with one of my best friends.
I don't know why people find it difficult to stay committed to relationships, I've never been tempted to cheat, and the idea of doing that so someone offends me.

 

[manic_depressive13]

-snip-

Okay. I still think you're being pretty extreme, but then I'm probably just emotionally stunted. Even if I decided to end the relationship as a result of the cheating, I certainly wouldn't proceed to try and ruin his life. For example, take what you said earlier about trying to get someone fired if they cheated on you with a co-worker. I see that as being far more morally reprehensible than cheating, which is ultimately harmless if not particularly nice. I find it extremely disturbing that people seem to think doing really horrible things to someone is somehow justified if they've cheated on you.

 

[Warachia]

Spoiler

I don't understand the problem.
So you have sex with somebody else, what's the problem?

Nothing was lost, why would anyones opinion change?

Sometimes I eat apples, but then I might have an orange, why should that mean that I have somehow betrayed the apples and should never eat apples again? But the act of doing one thing apparently means that another can no longer be done, why?

I can see absolutely no logical reason for restricting yourself to having sex with only one person, no natter what the situation.
I find people who complain about cheating annoying... If somebody cheats on you, what have you lost? nothing. If they don't like you anymore, that's not because they cheated, that's why they cheated, and they were perhaps worried they'd hurt your feelings if they just broke up with you suddenly. Whatever the reason, its not the fact that they cheated that caused any problem.
Breaking up with somebody because they've cheated means the relationship failed because of your intolerance, because you shouldn't be affected at all.

Furthermore, it's just as ridiculous to believe that people are only capable of loving one person.

I really can not see a reason as to why people are so weird about this stuff... what is the problem?
I have an Xbox, Wii, DS, PSP and a PC... I use them all...
I shop at Tesco, Morrisons, Asda and sometimes M&S.
I'm friends with Danny, Clancey, Rory and Jane...
Is any of that wrong? Do any of those abandon me because the others are around, no.
Then why can I not have sex with several people? Why am I incapable of loving several people?
In no way can explain it to myself.

Cheating is one of the worst things you can do to someone, mostly for a myriad of psychological problems that can and will develop down the road. It breaks the trust of your partner, you begin suspecting other partners that you have in future, if the person who you're cheating with finds out it destroys their trust of you and possibly any other person. Friends/family may hate you for a long time and you will probably deal with depression.

This is exactly what I'm talking about...
Why should cheating cause psychological problems when it doesn't even involve them? Trust? What if I told my partner in advance I was going to cheat? would that make it ok? I would assume not.
I'd expect a "no.", theyd get a "Why?", and I would get a meaningless "Because it's wrong!" back. "Why?" again... basically, They're getting psychologically damaged by their own intolerance to cheating, when it does nothing to them, my opinion of them hasn't changed... why should anything change? nothing happened to them.

Okay pod person from another planet, I'll explain it to you:

Spoiler

When you have a relationship, usually it is because you like the person (other times it is because you want their money, were bored, etc.), and want to spend time with that person, they trust that you like them for those reasons and will put up with you for the same reason, if you plan to have a long term relationship, then both of you must change, and accommodate each other to make it work (more on that later), when you leave to go with a different person for reasons like how they look, you think they are better in bed, or even because you want to try something new, you send the message to them and yourself that you are not interested in the person you were with previously, you won't ever be happy with that previous person again (except in very rare cases), because now you will see everything they are not, and you will want to get it somewhere else, this can carry over into future relationships, and might even result in you never staying with anybody for a long period of time.
Now, knowing your previous questions, you are probably wondering: "Why is this a bad thing? If that person doesn't have what I want surely somebody else must, so why not go with them?" Thankfully there is an easy answer to that, because NOBODY is going to have exactly what you want, and even if you were to find somebody completely as you wanted them, that would cause problems rather than make you happy, it would mean that you don't think you need to change yourself at all to help anybody else, (which is wrong on a number of levels but is a different subject entirely) because no relationship will work unless you both go out of your way to make it work, you half to meet whoever you are with halfway, otherwise the relationship is doomed to failure, why do you have to meet them halfway? Imagine a line between two points, at one point is you, at the other point is your partner, and let's look at two extreme examples, let's say you found somebody who was devoted to you fully, this is where they go completely over to your point, that can only end in failure because they find no personal happiness for themselves, the relationship would be a hollow one, eventually falling apart because either you or them would realise only one of you is happy, then that partner would leave you to seek a scenario where they as well as their future partner is happy.
Let's say you found a person who was always exciting and interested in new things, this would be if they only stayed at their point, that would also only end in failure, they'd spend time with you enjoy it, and then leave you for something new, and all plans you had for a future would be gone, you'd never look at that person the same way again because you'd always expect them to leave you for something else, and any future you do plan would have to exclude them just in case they did leave, additionally, the people you leave would also have this mindset about you, and this mindset can carry over into future relationships, and THAT is why it can cause psychological scars despite not directly involving the person.

 

[Condiments]

-snip-

Who cares? It is only sex. At the end of the day, if he/she still comes back to you. Why care who he or she sleeps with?

I never understood why people care. There is no "one-true love" or "soul-mate". All love is, is a chemical experience in the brain.

I do not care what my girlfriend does, as long as she comes home to me at the end of the day, so we can spend some time together and get that chemical rush the brain releases when you are together with your partner.

People needs to get over this whole thing. Sex is just a bodily urge and if you cannot satisfy your partner you "love", then let him/her be happy and get what he/she wants! Stop being selfish.

And just to clarify, I've never been with someone else during the years I have been with my girlfriend, but she has been with a few (I never asked how many because I do not care). I know that I cannot satisfy her sometimes, so why should I not let her?

I'm not sure I get this line of reasoning. You're not shackling anyone's desires by them being with you. A partner can just as easily leave if they aren't get their needs met through a relationship. A relationship is built on mutual respect of others boundaries, and preferences. Some people just aren't comfortable, or will never be comfortable with their partner engaging in casual sex with others during a relationship. If someone can't curtail their nature, they have no business with that person. Its a two way street, and not everyone's gonna like, what you're going to like.

Not to say your current arrangement is wrong, but it certainly won't work for everyone. Personally, if a woman I'm with isn't satisfied with what I can give, I'll look elsewhere.

 

[ThatGuy]

So you're trying to pretend your decision doesn't matter at all?

Nope, that was easy. Ask me another one.

That's hilariously transparent as a way to just try to not take responsibility for your actions. Your decision matters too, especially in deciding whether you're guiltless.

That's the wonderful thing about morality, I don't believe my involvement means guilt. As I've said before I just don't think my decision is the important one.

Yes, that would be helping them along. It doesn't make it any less despicable. And it isn't a strawman because you're still choosing to be involved when you could choose not to. This is pathetic.

My mistake, I took "helping them along" to mean I was influencing their decision, ie convincing them to cheat.

The way I see it, any action you take (including inaction) has consequences. You can't just wave away any culpability by saying that you were simply acting on someone else's decision. Consider an analogous situation: a robber will cut you in on his profits if you tell him the floor plan of the bank he plans to rob. In both your situation (being the cheatee) and this one, you're providing something to someone in exchange for a reward, with harmful effects on another party.

Cheating's not the end of the world, but you've gotta realize that the things you choose to do IN FACT have an effect on other people.

 

[arnoldthebird]

Well I'm only 17 but my GF of 6 months cheated on me with my bestfriend, fun times.
And 4 months later she has nothing going for her, and I no longer interact with my bestfriend...fun times.
Still have feeling's for her, I've been told it's hard to get over your first love...

 

[dumbseizure]

Been cheated on, cheated on someone, and have been the third party someone has cheated on their other with.

None of those have bothered me. At the points in time where the cheating occurred, the relationship was pretty abysmal to the point of where talking to them at the time felt more like a chore than a decision, and I was genuinely not happy.

 

[TwiZtah]

I've cheated on every Girlfriend I've had, apart from the first. I would do it again.

GTFO of this forum and never come back, despicable creature.

I could never forgive cheating, for any reason.

 

[Relish in Chaos]

the standard, implied exclusivity our culture is so fond of flat-out disgusts me. Sorta implies ownership, from where I stand.

Could I ask you why exactly it "disgusts" you?

You actually quoted my explanation there. It implies ownership. A human being owned by another human being. I understand that for most the ideal is more like a symbiosis, but my experience viewing other people's relationships is that the ideal is very rarely realized... and people become property in all but name more often than not.
Those who are strong enough end those relationships. Most aren't, and stay in 'em until they become a train wreck.

I always thought that, if you were going to be in an actual relationship with someone beyond mere sex, it would be hard to become emotionally invested in them if you're basically sharing it between a bunch of other people, making none of them particularly special.

And I mean, I couldn't blame anyone for feeling unnerved if they found out they were just their partner's "bit on the side" or just another plaything. I mean, it works for casual sex, but not for mature relationships.

I don't want to be "that guy", but after a while, if you're just moving from one girl to the next without any real connection beyond genitalia-juggling, you'd start to get bored, wouldn't you?

I suppose I'm just incapable of seeing that point of view. I become emotionally invested in plenty of people. I say unhesitatingly and without reservation that I love my friends and family... but sex is not part of love, at least as far as I'm concerned. It's about as emotional as a game of ping-pong.

The bits where you throw around terms such as "mature relationships" and "real connection" as though any relationship worth the name has to involve romance and possible sex shows that you and I could never see eye-to-eye on this matter. I would see you as brainwashed, you would see me as either an alien or a liar.

Suffice to say, our culture says you're correct in your assessment, and I say our culture is very, very wrong... that we've warped human relations into something completely unnatural. That disgusts me.

Hmm. That's a fair enough argument. Not entirely whether or not I agree with it, or whether I even can, since I have little to no experience of relationships.

Don't get me wrong, I have no problems with people having casual sex. Maybe I've been watching too many films, but wouldn't you get bored after a while? Perhaps it's a black-and-white outlook, but wouldn't the alternative to not getting bored having sex with one person after another be to just...settle down with one person that you love a lot?

Or maybe it's a double-edged sword, and you can't win either way. I think we could see eye-to-eye, because I'm always open to different viewpoints of certain matters. Like I aforementioned, I have little to no experience of relationships, and even I would have no idea what I'd do (or what I "should" do) if I was dating a girl. I'm socially awkward enough as it is even with people, both male and female, that I'm not particularly close to.

 

[TheGreatAndPowerfulZOG]

I cheated on my girlfriend once. Told her about it the next time I saw her. I was drunk, but mostly just unhappy, in the relationship and in life. We got past it, but she's a jealous person now, she was never jealous before I can't say if I would do it again in the same situation. I was very depressed at the time, but I really didn't have much else besides her, so it's not like leaving was much of an option. If I ever do it again I would certainly not confess it.

 

[Relish in Chaos]

I've cheated on every Girlfriend I've had, apart from the first. I would do it again.

Look, if you want to have sex with more than one person, then at least set out the ground rules with your girlfriend before betraying her trust like that. Who knows, she might be fine with an "open relationship". If not, then there are plenty of other other people who are fine with "open relationships".

Just don't mislead people into thinking one thing, while you do another. That's just deplorable, and it's an inequal relationship. You've got to acknowledge their feelings.

 

[BOOM headshot65]

firstly, no, I compared sex to those.

Oh, well then....>=(

I also compared businesses and friends if you'd care to
include those, which do have feelings.

Businesses are people too, my friend[/snark]

All of which were given to show how absurd this rejection of polygamy and open relationships is.

To you maybe, but I will explain below why those are completely ligetimate problems in my eyes.

Cheating damages nobody. Betrayal might, shock might, but those are all in the other partners control. Noone is forced to feel those things, they caused it themselves by having such outdated and redundant traditional values, and should absolutely no appearance if they were told about it before or right away, because no trust was broken.

You call them redundant and outdated, I call them perfectably resonable and modern. Betrayal and Cheating go hand in hand. Cheating destroys relationships and sometimes lives, and is one of the greater evils plaguing our country.

You may as well be getting like that over every person who has sex, because unless it's with you, then it doesn't effect you, so I can't understand why anyone would act in such a way.

*snickers at irony of bolded part, which will be seen below*

So you believe that part of a loving relationship is to force your partner into a set of restrictions that restrict "kissing, hand holding and sex"?

I didnt set that rule. She did. Just as she was the first to say "In the future, when we are married..." and "Oh, when we have children, we will....". I guess it makes since considering she loved me first.

So, what if I were to hold a friends hand? Does my partner explode? no. Do they get cancer? I dont think so. Does anything happen to them? no. They were not involved in any way, so nothing happens. Same appliues up the chain, with kissing and with sex. It's got nothing to do with anyone but the people who are doing it.

Well, in my case, she would first kick the butt of the person I cheated with, Then kick my butt harder. ESPECIALLY if we are married. And I am more than certain she could convince her friends (who are also my friends) to help kick my butt. If I am lucky, I will be a bloody pulp when they are done, because she could do WAY worse....and one of my friends has a katana.

Secondly, if you believe a family of 3 or more can all love each other, then why can you not accept a relationship between 3 or more people? You're telling people they don't have the right to love mote than one person equally, and that is clearly wrong.

That is completely different. A husband and wife are generally going to love eachother, and it is ingrained into parents to love thier child/ren. However, some random stranger that one of them doesnt know about, not so much. As I said, Polygamy is nothing but legalized infedility in my eyes, and it doesnt help that it is usually a sexist man who is using it to control women. (my whole "sex is sexist to women" argument, which William Bennett outlined rather well. [http://www.cnn.com/2012/04/04/opinion/bennett-modern-women/index.html] Although, I would like to expand it to include gay/lesbian couples)

Where did you get this set of rules that all relationships must follow? Can you not think for yourself?

Going by what our parents do....well, my parents anyway. Her mom was cheated on by her step-dad (which she reacted violently too), while my parents have been married for close to 20 years(pro-tip: the woman in the relationship is always right, even when she is wrong). That and our religions, Catholic for her, Lutheran for me. But we are "religious", we just follow certain parts. Chivilary code and Gentlemanly Behavior also play a role in this.

...because it sounds to me that you refuse to even think about anything I say, hence the fact that you ignored almost everything I've written.

Because to someone who IS ACTUALLY IN A RELATIONSHIP, what you said MAKES...NO...FRICKING...SENSE! I have never met a single Person, NOT ONE, before you who was actually OK with cheating and polygamy. That is a poor track record for what you are proclaiming.

But if you just thought about it, you'd realize that cheating changes nothing. Hell, you'd at least realize how stupid it I'd to believe that only 2 people are capable of love and that sex and love are quite separate.

Actually, I think it is perfectly resonable. You can not seperate Love and Sex, that is why it is called "Making love." While Id perfer people wait until they are married to have sex, I get more fired up over one-night stands then I do about people who just refuse to marry, but have been married in all but name. And it is not unreasonable to stay with someone for your whole life. My family has been blessed by that. My grandparents (on both sides) have been married for well over 50(!) years. That is something that happens alot where I live (the divorce rate is only like 20%), but seems to be startling to people outside the midwest.

 

[Adiona]

Was with my partner for nearly 4 years, the relationship wasn't that good but I kept faith things would get better. He met a woman online through a rp group, he flew to America just before New Years eve to sleep with her. After he hadn't bee in touch for 16 hours I got into his email account and found the emails between the two of them.

She had emailed him an address so I googled it found a phone number and rang it, spoke to her mum and told her who I was. She got the message told him where to stick it because he hadn't told her about me or anything at all, he lied to me and her from the word go.

Dark times very dark times, the worst part...he took MY *ahem* sex toy to use on her!

So much better off without liars and cheats, they have it in them once to cheat they could do it again quite easily.

 

[sms_117b]

1st girlfriend cheated on me a number of times, I was crushed, but somehow she managed to wrangle it so I felt bad and begged her not to leave me....yeah. I cheated on her twice, first girlfriend, long distance, didn't work at all.

Last girlfriend I was the, erm, cheatee? She cheated with me and then left her boyfriend for me.

I always thought I'd never cheat, never let myself sink that low and hurt someone that much. But I have, things get twisted in love, sex, alcohol and depression, you know things are still right and wrong but, something that makes you care about it just gets flipped to the off position.

 

[Stilkon]

Glad this is here. It's good to know you're not alone.

A couple of months ago, my girlfriend broke up with me, saying that she was "depressed and unstable" and that it was "unfair" to me. Three days later, I find out from her that she only broke up with me to go out with another guy who had asked her out. Her argument: "What the fuck? You're awkward, how can I deal with that?". Both these conversations took place on Facebook, by the way.

So I talked with my friends, and one took it upon herself to talk with this guy who asked her out, as I didn't really know him at all. Turns out, he didn't know about this girl dating me (meaning that she lied to him as well), so he took it upon himself to cancel his date with her, or so I've heard. I always thought he was kind of rude to me, but I can't deny that what he did was noble. I suppose that's the closest thing I'll get to a "happy ending" regarding this episode, but I'm keeping on.

Also, I'm aware that it isn't technically "cheating", given that there was no sex involved (with either party), but it's still betrayal, and it still sucks.

EDIT: Also, this helps.

 

[repeating integers]

Been cheated on once. Got insanely pissed, hatched a plan to humiliate the girl, succeed.

On one hand, in hindsight it was a bit much, but on the other hand, she was a cruel, manipulative, goddamn horrible person, so I don't feel much regret.

OK, now I've gotta ask. What was this plan you hatched?

 

[game-lover]

I see, so you only date virgins then.

How does it make your relationship worthless again? because he knew you would consider it worthless afterwards and still did it?
Surely if you just didn't consider it worthless there would be no problem.
Why can't you love being around somebody, find them interesting, funny, great to be around, good looking, everything... you want spend the rest of your life with them etc. ...and find other people just simply attractive... why would it make a relationship worthless just to act on that? Your emotions towards your partner havent changed... nothing has. Surely you know that lust and love are very different?

As a bi guy, I get an itch, nobody who loves me would stop me from scratching it. Stopping it would make the relationship very difficult, tense and needlessly restrictive and ultimately just as tarnished as any betrayal-born paranoia would cause... even though I'd done nothing wrong.

I've actually never dated yet. But this is still how I feel.

To answer your question: Yes. Now keep in mind I'm talking about a mutually exclusive relationship. Once two people opt to take that step, it's usually a given that means they only want to be with the other and no one else. Sure, love and lust are different things. But how can you expect me to believe that someone who cheated on me "loves" me when they would betray me in that way. If you don't wanna question the merits of love, then you have to know that the terms of the relationship were broken. That isn't cool. In fact, that isn't fair. I'd be rather pissed that here I was resisting temptation and it turns out my SO was too weak or selfish to do it himself. Thoughts like that make a person ripe for revenge cheating. I often wonder if I'd do that if I were cheated on.

Speaking of which... I'm going to assume you wouldn't expect the woman or man you ended up dating to be true to you then? If you can scratch your itch, then they should have all the freedom as well to do so. Perhaps a conventional, exclusive relationship isn't what you're apt for. Maybe an open relationship is more your speed.

-snip-

Okay. I still think you're being pretty extreme, but then I'm probably just emotionally stunted. Even if I decided to end the relationship as a result of the cheating, I certainly wouldn't proceed to try and ruin his life. For example, take what you said earlier about trying to get someone fired if they cheated on you with a co-worker. I see that as being far more morally reprehensible than cheating, which is ultimately harmless if not particularly nice. I find it extremely disturbing that people seem to think doing really horrible things to someone is somehow justified if they've cheated on you.

Cheating being ultimately harmless is rather debatable. There's a considerable amount of emotional pain that the one cheated on feels. Think about all the drama that has happened as a result. Betrayed boyfriends trying to hunt down the man their girl slept with. High school girls who ruin a chick's reputation after she ends up sleeping with their boyfriends. More darker tones have murder suicides, usually committed by the betrayed. So personally, I would not say cheating is harmless.

Still... those examples are relatively extreme. So I concede you're right about me, I am a bit extreme. I have perhaps been extreme for quite some time.

But I believe that cheaters should pay for it. I really do. The remorseful ones probably already pay with their torturous conscience and fear of losing who they cherish. But then there are the ones who don't effing give a crap. Even the ones that dump a person they've cheated on. How will they pay? And I guess that's where my extreme thoughts come from. Punishing cheaters.