Who I am to tell anyone how to live their live's, but mmmmm. The part about not going out much, and some of the responses that say that's fine and not to do 'anything you don't like', I can't agree with. The problem with life, particularly in the social domain, is that we like to stick with what is comfortable, but it is only by facing situations that make us uncomfortable that we grow as a person, and gradually we become comfortable with new things, like being sociable and outgoing, and trying our luck with people. I am speaking from experience, not just the experience of myself but also of my girlfriend who also found it very difficult to get herself out there.
Boyfriend?
- Thread starter Dismal purple
- Start date
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I think you only need to change one of the two, focusing on the easier one (social skills/awareness for most people) would make sense... tough I made it with "being smart" and "having a project and stuff to show for myself".Casual Shinji said:
Honestly I am grateful that one girl crossed my path, always have, always will; though things have never been easy with her, not even now.
23, really focused upon my work to the detriment of everything around me. It would've been nice if somebody could have reinforced the whole 'it's not what you know, it's who ya know', so unsuccessful on top of being socially innept. And I'm a guy, figure it's not as bad for women due to the whole double standard (women have to hold onto their virginity for a long as possible, guys have to get rid it as soon as possible.
Virginity to for guys is like the opposite to wine, value goes down as it ages.
Virginity to for guys is like the opposite to wine, value goes down as it ages.
When you stop being a teenager, everyone stops caring. You'll find the odd one or two that think it's somehow strange to still be a virgin in your twenties, but those people are rare. The only time it's likely to be an issue is if you lie about your sexual experiences; there's no point in doing so and people generally do not appreciate being lied to. Honestly don't worry about not having any experience, but at the same time if you do want to have sex just for the sake of seeing what it's like, don't let anyone shame you out of that either.Dismal purple said:
I'm another one of those women who did everything too early, and I have only been "single" (not seeing anyone nor sleeping with people) for a very brief amount of time since my early teens. Everyone's missing out on something, so don't think you're strange in your position. For instance, I've only just started University and I'm in my late twenties... we all do life at a different speed and in a different order. Just be willing to be brave enough to try new things.
All this number-dropping like we're robots trading serial numbers, people. Sheesh. We set our own expiration dates. As you can see by all these stories of anxiety, wishful thinking and actual sex, there's no one way of living your life and you kind of make it up on the go. If your top priority is having sex, getting kissed, or building up a relationship (or all three) it's really just a matter of joining up the leagues of lonely hearts that make up all those online dating sites you always thought wouldn't work (but were afraid to try anyway).
Well, for the most part, they don't. It's also uncomfortable, exposing yourself that way to anybody wanting to see. But get past that and just maybe.
Well, for the most part, they don't. It's also uncomfortable, exposing yourself that way to anybody wanting to see. But get past that and just maybe.
I'm 21, nearly 22. Had a girlfriend from ages 15 to 16, kissed but still have my virginity. I don't regret not having sex because, looking back, she wasn't a good girlfriend to begin with. I'd regret it if I did lose my virginity to her, so, you can probably tell my opinion on those having not lost their virginity.
I think about getting another girlfriend from time to time, but I want to focus on study and getting a job before I seriously think about looking for a girlfriend.
To be honest, if I think on it for more than a second, I don't really know what I'd need a girlfriend for. I'm pretty happy as I am, don't want children, think marriage is overrated and don't really give a rat's ass if I ever lose my virginity at the moment. I know that's different from a lot, if not most people, but that's just how I see it.
I think about getting another girlfriend from time to time, but I want to focus on study and getting a job before I seriously think about looking for a girlfriend.
To be honest, if I think on it for more than a second, I don't really know what I'd need a girlfriend for. I'm pretty happy as I am, don't want children, think marriage is overrated and don't really give a rat's ass if I ever lose my virginity at the moment. I know that's different from a lot, if not most people, but that's just how I see it.
I had my first proper relationship at 18, after a few teenage short-term things. I was with her for 4.5 years, which took me to 23. I am 25 now and haven't been with anyone since, properly, but I have been doing the whole online dating thing. Met with a few people from there, and hey, it kinda works! You can meet people, chat with them and make friends and there is no pressure. You can also vet them before you email, which is good, and then get to know them electronically before you agree to meet!
Definitely reccomended to meet like-minded people!
Definitely reccomended to meet like-minded people!
What I think is maybe important here is that you say you have never "liked" anyone.
What do you mean by "liked"? I guess you are saying you haven't ever been madly in love, but has there really never been physically attracted to someone or had someone you liked as a close friend?
As other have suggested you could try doing sports or activities with other people, it seems you are fairly isolated at the moment. Even ask some of your friends to set you up on a blind date, it might be a complete disaster but at least you will have done something.
What do you mean by "liked"? I guess you are saying you haven't ever been madly in love, but has there really never been physically attracted to someone or had someone you liked as a close friend?
As other have suggested you could try doing sports or activities with other people, it seems you are fairly isolated at the moment. Even ask some of your friends to set you up on a blind date, it might be a complete disaster but at least you will have done something.
Whilst I'm probably no help with the age part of this (I'm almost 22 and been with my boyfriend now for 4 years), I don't particularly enjoy going out much either. Much prefer staying inside, reading a book, playing a few games. I go out every now and again with my friends just for a coffee and whatnot, not much more than that.
My boyfriend is someone I met when I was around 12, on a game called Furcadia (Back before it all went to furry hell). Known each other since then, talked all the time on MSN.. and one day decided to meet up and went from there. Means we have a lot in common, love gaming etc. And none of the awkwardness of say going out clubbing and meeting someone, we already knew each other quite well.
As someone's already said, online dating could be a good idea if you feel like it =)
Hope that's been of some help.. ^^;
My boyfriend is someone I met when I was around 12, on a game called Furcadia (Back before it all went to furry hell). Known each other since then, talked all the time on MSN.. and one day decided to meet up and went from there. Means we have a lot in common, love gaming etc. And none of the awkwardness of say going out clubbing and meeting someone, we already knew each other quite well.
As someone's already said, online dating could be a good idea if you feel like it =)
Hope that's been of some help.. ^^;
Pfffft. There's nothng wrong with that! To be honest, I am only 20, so my experience is limited, but: live your life the way you want to.
Technically my first girlfriend was in 7th grade, but the furthest we got was a peck on the lips. The next time I dated was 11th grade. In those relationships we did everything but have sex (those were also some of the worst relationships in my life, topped only by an abusive relationship I had in college). I didn't lose my virginity until I was 22 and really wish I had waited. It wasn't special at all and didn't feel good. I always wanted my first time to be special and be with someone special, but it ended up being with someone I met online and went on a couple dates with. All my friends had had sex long ago and I kept having to dodge questions from them like, "where's the weirdest place you've had sex?" I kind of just wanted to get it over with so I could feel like less of a freak. Every day I wish I had chosen to just keep feeling like a freak
My boyfriend is 32, he had been single for 6years before he met me. He pretty much had accepted the fact that he was going to be alone forever, until crazy ol me stormed into his life haha.
I'm 25 and I dated a lot when I was younger, it didnt make me feel any better, or improve my life in anyway. I rushed into a lot of things when I was younger, because my friends were rushing into things and truly, it ain't all that. There's no point rushing into anything. By all means, take some time, go out into the world, hang out with people, dip your toes in the ocean to see how you feel.
If you find someone who you like and you want to kiss them, go for it. If you don't, that's okay too. I understand the pressures when you're surrounded by family making machines. Most of my cousins are married with at least two kids Do what feels right for you, if you genuinely want someone in your life then go for it, if you don't then enjoy the life you have, if you're not sure WHAT you want, then wait, there is absolutely no rush. Society is so fast paced that everyone wants everything yesterday, doing things at your own pace doesn't make you any less worthy a person.
I'm 25 and I dated a lot when I was younger, it didnt make me feel any better, or improve my life in anyway. I rushed into a lot of things when I was younger, because my friends were rushing into things and truly, it ain't all that. There's no point rushing into anything. By all means, take some time, go out into the world, hang out with people, dip your toes in the ocean to see how you feel.
If you find someone who you like and you want to kiss them, go for it. If you don't, that's okay too. I understand the pressures when you're surrounded by family making machines. Most of my cousins are married with at least two kids Do what feels right for you, if you genuinely want someone in your life then go for it, if you don't then enjoy the life you have, if you're not sure WHAT you want, then wait, there is absolutely no rush. Society is so fast paced that everyone wants everything yesterday, doing things at your own pace doesn't make you any less worthy a person.
The girl I might be with soon never had a boyfriend. She's 22. It happens. Some people fall in love for the first time with 30. Don't rush it. Don't go out looking. It'll find you. You'll fall in love.
Or maybe not. Some people never do. And that's ok, too.
Or maybe not. Some people never do. And that's ok, too.
I have a friend who's 20 and is in the same situation as you and I keep telling her not to worry about it. Having no relationships is better than jumping between bad ones so just wait and let it happen. If you're still single at 50 then you can worry. I've only had one serious relationship but it doesn't really bother me, especially when I see my best friend stupidly jumping between guys who just use her because she can't stand to be alone. Just enjoy being single and having the freedom to do whatever the hell you want.
Why not? If I want something, it has only the value I place on it, nothing more. Nothing is inherently more valuable than something else. How can it be?SmashLovesTitanQuest said:
I was 20 when I found my first and current girlfriend. It mattered to me a lot. I was starting to think that I'll never experience a romantic relationship and it was really depressing.
If you want to experience youth, then you have to go out. Even if you don't particularly like that. You don't have to go to a party filled with obnoxious extroverts. Just find some people you're comfortable spending time with. It will make it easier. Experiencing youth and life in general means having to sometime do things that you don't want in order to get what you want in the long run. It's difficult at first because you lack experience, but you have to work to get what you want. And more often than not, working for something requires stepping outside of your comfort zone. You don't want to grow old and look back at what you didn't do because it was outside of your comfort zone at the time. Old people always preach about regrets and missed opportunities for a reason.
If you want to experience youth, then you have to go out. Even if you don't particularly like that. You don't have to go to a party filled with obnoxious extroverts. Just find some people you're comfortable spending time with. It will make it easier. Experiencing youth and life in general means having to sometime do things that you don't want in order to get what you want in the long run. It's difficult at first because you lack experience, but you have to work to get what you want. And more often than not, working for something requires stepping outside of your comfort zone. You don't want to grow old and look back at what you didn't do because it was outside of your comfort zone at the time. Old people always preach about regrets and missed opportunities for a reason.
I seriously don't believe that having your first kiss, getting a first date or losing your virginity is as important as you're thinking it is right now - but I also understand why you would feel and think that way.
In a way, I almost envy you - you haven't experienced either of those things yet, so you get to choose who to share them with for the first time. That's something which is really great. I admire you for holding out for so long, because I was one of the girls who kind of rushed into everything. While I don't exactly regret the decisions I made when I was younger, part of me mourns not holding out for a little bit longer for someone who treated me better.
You could easily gather some dating experience, though. As other Escapists have said in this very thread, there's always online dating? It's actually a pretty excellent way to dip your toes into the dating scene. You can browse profiles of people you might like, get to know them a little online, then figure out if you'd like to actually meet them. Obviously, with online dating you do need to be a bit careful - tell people where you're going, always choose a public place, maybe ask for recent pictures before you meet, etc, - but ultimately I think it's worth it.
Focus on yourself for the time being. Do things that make you happy. Someone who's right for you will come along eventually, and chances are that they'll be worth the wait. ^.^
In a way, I almost envy you - you haven't experienced either of those things yet, so you get to choose who to share them with for the first time. That's something which is really great. I admire you for holding out for so long, because I was one of the girls who kind of rushed into everything. While I don't exactly regret the decisions I made when I was younger, part of me mourns not holding out for a little bit longer for someone who treated me better.
You could easily gather some dating experience, though. As other Escapists have said in this very thread, there's always online dating? It's actually a pretty excellent way to dip your toes into the dating scene. You can browse profiles of people you might like, get to know them a little online, then figure out if you'd like to actually meet them. Obviously, with online dating you do need to be a bit careful - tell people where you're going, always choose a public place, maybe ask for recent pictures before you meet, etc, - but ultimately I think it's worth it.
Focus on yourself for the time being. Do things that make you happy. Someone who's right for you will come along eventually, and chances are that they'll be worth the wait. ^.^
Well, since everyone else is sharing...
I met a girl I cared about when I was 15. I liked other girls before her, but none of them ever felt the same way about me. Even if they did, I just liked their faces. You know, just like "Hey, she's pretty. I wish I could kiss her or go to the Big School Dance with her..."
I ended up dating this girl for the next four years, 'til we left high school and moved on to college. She wasn't my first kiss, or my first date. She was my first real Girlfriend, my first sexual partner, and the first person I could honestly say I loved. It was good, bad, and everything in between. But it's not "forever and always" like everyone always says. We broke up earlier this year. Life's never been better. I'm happier than I've been in years, she was happy(ish) when we met up to get closure, it worked out for everyone this way. Life began when our relationship ended. I learned from it, so I'd definitely recommend the OP experience it someday, but don't buy into the lie that First Love is your only love.
-Your first kiss shouldn't be your only kiss, don't cling so tightly to it. You likely won't remember it like your first sexual experience.
-You should definitely experience sex before marriage, but only with someone you care about, safely, and not just to do it.
-Again, First Love is not your only love. You probably won't understand until you figure it out on your own.
-Don't ever, EVER try to last "forever". It doesn't happen. You'll make yourself crazy. You'll do "romantic" things you'll regret later. Stuff like you see in romance movies, which is actually creepy in real life. You'll beg and bend over backwards for something that isn't fun even if you get what you want, and embarrasses you if you fail.
-DO NOT STRESS ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS. You're no more or less of a complete person for having another. Let it happen if/when it happens, passively pursue social contact with the opposite gender. Don't play people, and don't consider yourself a player. Nobody likes a player. Just go and hang out with people you like, whoever that may be. You're most likely to meet someone you care about that way.
-Remember that there is no shame in flying solo, unless you take that shame upon yourself. Own your relationship status, and focus on cultivating your Self. You'll likely become far more attractive that way. People like others who are motivated, passionate, and well-rounded. By taking your focus off of dating and putting into Fencing or Music, whatever you're interested in, you're giving yourself personality traits that many people admire. Looks aren't the only thing that's important. Nothing is worse than taking a pretty person on a date and realizing that they have no interests, hobbies, or opinions. Again, it's one of those things you'll just have to realize on your own.
-Don't get so caught up in the philosophical questions of who you are and what your actions make of you. You're a fool. You're going to die. Half of all people will find a reason to hate you over one decision or another, and an equal number of people will respect or relate to you. Archetypes break down on an individual scale, so don't worry which one you are. An archetype will never do you justice. Just do what makes you happy, what feels right, and watch as the narrative of your life gets real interesting, real quick.
-Go make stories. Good ones, bad ones, everything in between. Go places you wouldn't normally go. Try new things, from food to activities to music. Ditch the fear that you might make a fool out of yourself. What you want are stories to tell around the campfire, stuff for any situation. Bad relationships/dates? Don't worry, other people have had them too. You can swap horror stories and it'll be a grand old time. Did something dumb? Perfect, now you have a story for when everyone gathers around and tries to trump one another. Every story has a chance of being the Best Time, and then you'll have a story for that contest as well. Life of the party, that can be you if you just take some chances and leave the house once in a while. My suggestion is to set up a regular day with some friends, and then just go do something. Big, small, it's up to you. Something New is what you're after.
Most important Tip:
Don't shame people. Live by the golden rule. Don't allow yourself to feel shame about what you have or have not done. Do what you can to experience things, and don't sweat what you don't get around to. Everyone's got a different criterion for success. Do right by yours, and you're just fine. I know it sounds generic, but that's because people have known this stuff and attempted to convey it to others for thousands of years. After a while, it becomes so much noise. Just attempt to really take these tips in. Whoever you are, you can benefit from a chill pill. You have way less agency over love and fate and such than you think. There are no real secrets to influencing things, just let it go. Doing so actually seems to have the greatest positive effect on such matters.
EDIT: Do NOT do online dating. Not because of the people on there, it's not about your experience, none of those reasons. I'm telling you I don't think it's a good idea because everything about it puts you in the wrong mindset. You're not there to meet people, you're not there to have a good time. You may think you are, but that's not where you are or what you're doing. You're at a meat market for soulmates. You're shopping for a partner. It doesn't work well that way, at least not often. Certain people of a specific personality type(s) flourish in this environment, I'd be willing to bet cash money that it's not you because the odds are in my favor. Many times, it's differing expectations. You find people on Match.com looking to have sex with you with no strings attached. You find people on Fling.com looking for soulmates. You find 10 billion people you're not interested in, and maybe a handful of people who are interesting but unavailable. Partners that are right for you are like waldo in a puzzle the size of the Chrysler building. I can't say you'll *never* find them, but you'd have better luck and a better experience just taking it easy. Instead, allow yourself to be open to other people. Go with friends, meet new friends through them, meet new people through those new friends, and so on. Talk to strangers, and be open and kind to people you don't know. It can be hard to break those barriers, but the effort is more likely to pay off. Also, pretty much every dating website takes advantage of human tendencies in order to make the whole process less efficient and more profitable. Things like free accounts, but you can only message users if you pay to upgrade. Each website has it's own form of restrictions, if there isn't a pay-gate at the outset. So you're paying the money in order to search endlessly for your prince or princess in a sea of people you couldn't care less about. And if you're anything like me, you'll obsess over every message, over every new candidate, even over the lack of messages, and you'll drive yourself into an early grave with all the stress.
I met a girl I cared about when I was 15. I liked other girls before her, but none of them ever felt the same way about me. Even if they did, I just liked their faces. You know, just like "Hey, she's pretty. I wish I could kiss her or go to the Big School Dance with her..."
I ended up dating this girl for the next four years, 'til we left high school and moved on to college. She wasn't my first kiss, or my first date. She was my first real Girlfriend, my first sexual partner, and the first person I could honestly say I loved. It was good, bad, and everything in between. But it's not "forever and always" like everyone always says. We broke up earlier this year. Life's never been better. I'm happier than I've been in years, she was happy(ish) when we met up to get closure, it worked out for everyone this way. Life began when our relationship ended. I learned from it, so I'd definitely recommend the OP experience it someday, but don't buy into the lie that First Love is your only love.
-Your first kiss shouldn't be your only kiss, don't cling so tightly to it. You likely won't remember it like your first sexual experience.
-You should definitely experience sex before marriage, but only with someone you care about, safely, and not just to do it.
-Again, First Love is not your only love. You probably won't understand until you figure it out on your own.
-Don't ever, EVER try to last "forever". It doesn't happen. You'll make yourself crazy. You'll do "romantic" things you'll regret later. Stuff like you see in romance movies, which is actually creepy in real life. You'll beg and bend over backwards for something that isn't fun even if you get what you want, and embarrasses you if you fail.
-DO NOT STRESS ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS. You're no more or less of a complete person for having another. Let it happen if/when it happens, passively pursue social contact with the opposite gender. Don't play people, and don't consider yourself a player. Nobody likes a player. Just go and hang out with people you like, whoever that may be. You're most likely to meet someone you care about that way.
-Remember that there is no shame in flying solo, unless you take that shame upon yourself. Own your relationship status, and focus on cultivating your Self. You'll likely become far more attractive that way. People like others who are motivated, passionate, and well-rounded. By taking your focus off of dating and putting into Fencing or Music, whatever you're interested in, you're giving yourself personality traits that many people admire. Looks aren't the only thing that's important. Nothing is worse than taking a pretty person on a date and realizing that they have no interests, hobbies, or opinions. Again, it's one of those things you'll just have to realize on your own.
-Don't get so caught up in the philosophical questions of who you are and what your actions make of you. You're a fool. You're going to die. Half of all people will find a reason to hate you over one decision or another, and an equal number of people will respect or relate to you. Archetypes break down on an individual scale, so don't worry which one you are. An archetype will never do you justice. Just do what makes you happy, what feels right, and watch as the narrative of your life gets real interesting, real quick.
-Go make stories. Good ones, bad ones, everything in between. Go places you wouldn't normally go. Try new things, from food to activities to music. Ditch the fear that you might make a fool out of yourself. What you want are stories to tell around the campfire, stuff for any situation. Bad relationships/dates? Don't worry, other people have had them too. You can swap horror stories and it'll be a grand old time. Did something dumb? Perfect, now you have a story for when everyone gathers around and tries to trump one another. Every story has a chance of being the Best Time, and then you'll have a story for that contest as well. Life of the party, that can be you if you just take some chances and leave the house once in a while. My suggestion is to set up a regular day with some friends, and then just go do something. Big, small, it's up to you. Something New is what you're after.
Most important Tip:
Don't shame people. Live by the golden rule. Don't allow yourself to feel shame about what you have or have not done. Do what you can to experience things, and don't sweat what you don't get around to. Everyone's got a different criterion for success. Do right by yours, and you're just fine. I know it sounds generic, but that's because people have known this stuff and attempted to convey it to others for thousands of years. After a while, it becomes so much noise. Just attempt to really take these tips in. Whoever you are, you can benefit from a chill pill. You have way less agency over love and fate and such than you think. There are no real secrets to influencing things, just let it go. Doing so actually seems to have the greatest positive effect on such matters.
EDIT: Do NOT do online dating. Not because of the people on there, it's not about your experience, none of those reasons. I'm telling you I don't think it's a good idea because everything about it puts you in the wrong mindset. You're not there to meet people, you're not there to have a good time. You may think you are, but that's not where you are or what you're doing. You're at a meat market for soulmates. You're shopping for a partner. It doesn't work well that way, at least not often. Certain people of a specific personality type(s) flourish in this environment, I'd be willing to bet cash money that it's not you because the odds are in my favor. Many times, it's differing expectations. You find people on Match.com looking to have sex with you with no strings attached. You find people on Fling.com looking for soulmates. You find 10 billion people you're not interested in, and maybe a handful of people who are interesting but unavailable. Partners that are right for you are like waldo in a puzzle the size of the Chrysler building. I can't say you'll *never* find them, but you'd have better luck and a better experience just taking it easy. Instead, allow yourself to be open to other people. Go with friends, meet new friends through them, meet new people through those new friends, and so on. Talk to strangers, and be open and kind to people you don't know. It can be hard to break those barriers, but the effort is more likely to pay off. Also, pretty much every dating website takes advantage of human tendencies in order to make the whole process less efficient and more profitable. Things like free accounts, but you can only message users if you pay to upgrade. Each website has it's own form of restrictions, if there isn't a pay-gate at the outset. So you're paying the money in order to search endlessly for your prince or princess in a sea of people you couldn't care less about. And if you're anything like me, you'll obsess over every message, over every new candidate, even over the lack of messages, and you'll drive yourself into an early grave with all the stress.
