"...but we're just friends"

[Owyn_Merrilin]

Guys giving guys dating advice...I love how everyone says "don't be friends!"

Speaking from a female perspective (of course, this won't work with ALL girls), I prefer to be friends first, because then I can judge what taking the next step would be like. I really believe that the "I want to be friends" or "I don't want to ruin our friendship" excuses are absolutely rubbish.
To put it bluntly, if a girl says this, she's just not interested in a romantic relationship, whether that's because you're not her type, she doesn't find you attractive, whatever.

I don't know one girl who has gotten into a relationship with a guy who is a mere acquaintance, because a certain degree of trust usually needs to be established for a girl to commit.
If you're friends with a girl and you both like each other, it WILL happen. There won't be any of this "we're friends" rubbish, because the next logical step from a platonic friendship is a romantic relationship. Love usually comes from compatibility, so if you're friends, you're able to forge a deep connection from the off.

It's just like...how "the spark" is a term made up by guys so they can have sex with someone. It's all a charade!

OP: All that's happening is that you just haven't found a good enough girl yet.
I'm sorry if it upsets you or whatever, but "we're just friends" is a lame excuse so that she can duck out of having to say "not interested" and avoid hurting your feelings so that she doesn't look like the bad guy.

How much easier would it be if girls were forthright and honest? If I like or don't like someone (in general or romantically), they damn well know about it. I get so sick of mind games, and I think girls play them to their full effect. At least you know if a guy just wants sex. Women can play games to expand their own egos, out of resentment, out of pure malice...

Not saying only girls act this way, and only guys act that way, there are exceptions to every rule, so I don't mean to offend anyone who's not like this, I'm just generalising to make a point.

Speaking as a male, this is also how I feel about it -- especially the fact that "I just want to be friends," "I don't want to ruin our friendship," or "I'm not ready for a relationship at this time" are blatant lies, told to avoid hurting someone's feelings, that generally hurt more in the end. I'll admit the last one isn't a lie quite as frequently as the other ones -- for example, I got turned down this way by a girl whose boyfriend broke up with her very shortly before. I really was making a move too soon for her, but if she had been a different girl, it would have been the smart thing to do; I've missed out by not moving fast enough, too. However, when it's been a long time since the girl has had a date, "I'm not ready for a relationship" is usually just another way of letting a guy down "easy".

As for the whole "ask her out in the first five minutes" thing that has been knocked around in this thread, if I were looking for a one night stand, then sure, I'd know on sight if the girl was attractive enough to be worth the effort. But that's not generally what I'm looking for, and it takes a certain amount of familiarity to know that I have enough in common with a girl to ask her out. I'm not saying that physical attractiveness is particularly low on my list, but beauty is, as they say, skin deep -- and I prefer my relationships to go deeper than that.

That said, I haven't had a date in around three years at this point, so I must be doing something wrong. At least the last year and a half of that has had more to do with me not meeting anyone of interest, instead of the girls not being interested in me. It's a pain in the butt to meet new people on a university campus the size of a small city; it's way too impersonal out here.

 

[Azure Sky]

Well considering I've already been there...yes, it's highly off-putting.

And I am a guy, and a gamer to boot and I find the thought of it a turn-off as well. Go figure =/

 

[SirDoom]

Well, this isn't exactly a every-time thing, but sometimes the "friend card" is the preferable option.

For example, I pretty much asked my first girlfriend out 5 minutes after meeting her (although we talked a lot the week prior via phone/text.) If I had waited one more day, it would have saved me a month or so of on-and-off hell, and things more than likely would have worked out in the end between us.

In short- The friend card at the beginning is better than getting it just a little later, then having the possibility of a relationship held just at the edge of your reach, constantly getting within reach and then being pulled away just as you grasp onto it and hold it for a few seconds, until eventually you decide it's not worth your time, then you have that possibility of a relationship try to wriggle it's way back into your hand as you try to shoo it away like the annoying fly it is.

Getting to know the person a little bit first typically leads to longer relationships (and overall better ones) when they do eventually happen, in my experience. You just have to know how to give and take hints before straight up asking =)

Although, I can kind of attest to the "let them know you're interested from the beginning" thing. Right as I was just getting to know my current girlfriend as a friend (only a week or two in), we were already going to the movies here and there and hanging out a lot. Just as friends, of course, but it was fairly obvious that I liked her as more than that from the start, even if I never said it until months later.

 

[MelziGurl]

I have plenty of male friends (nerds included) who I see having the best personalities, but nothing that attracts me to them past the point of being their friend. I can think about it, try to convince myself to see more but it just doesn't happen. Also, being that I have not long come out of a relationship with a gamer, I'm just not attracted to anyone who might value their console more than a relationship.

You are dating the wrong type of gamer then. Owning a console does not make you less of a dick

The right kind of gamer, in my experience, has been too little and too few. It is like finding Mr Right...

 

[conflictofinterests]

They "just want to be friends" probably for the same reason hungry kids in different countries won't eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (Or something like tongue or brain here). They just aren't accustomed to thinking of you (or the sandwiches/tongue/brain) as a relationship option, (or as food). Sadly, for most people, once they get to thinking of something a certain way, or not thinking about it but attributing a connotation to it anyways, they often can't or won't think of that thing in any other way.

My current boyfriend wasn't much of a looker, but he made it very clear to me early on that he was interested in me as more than a friend. *EDIT* He didn't ask me out, he hit on me and what not. A couple years later, and we're planning to move in together and get married.

 

[Ace of Spades]

Nope, but I suspect that I will at some point. With my first failed relationship, after I asked her out, and she declined, she just started ignoring me, no longer talking to me or even looking at me, which was actually kind of funny if a major disappointment. But, I guarantee that the next time I try will end with that line, so I've mentally prepared myself for the moment when it comes.

 

[Fawcks]

This has NEVER happened to me.

I'm always the one using the "Just friends" line. :C

 

[BehattedWanderer]

Ah, man, the friend zone. Yeah, I remember those days. You eventually learn that you have about a 48 hour window of initialization where you have to make a move, otherwise it's a tough, tough climb. I made it out of the friend zone once, man. Had it not been for several thousand miles and a continental landmass, I'd probably still be with her.

If you like her, man, tell her as soon as you can. It's worth it. But, importantly, don't get super attached to her. Tell her once, when she's sober, and she'll always know. Act on it once, as well. Don't be awkward, and if it happens, help it happen. If it doesn't, then you need to move on. Life isn't like a Rom-Com, friend, and the nice guy doesn't get the cute girl he's loved all his life. That kind of singular minded devotion to a girl who you aren't dating is actually destructive and prohibitive of making things happen.

So, if you end up liking her immediately, move. Be everything you know you can and would be up front, and you'll have a much better chance.

 

[TOTL_UNIALAYSHUN]

"I like you, you're nice, funny, kind, and anyone would be very lucky to have you"
(quickly followed up by)
"...but we're JUST friends, okay?"
(2/3 of the time)
"You're like a brother to me..."

...soo am I the only one that wonders "well if all that is true why doesn't anyone try to give me a chance instead of pulling the 'friend' card every time?"

I'm sorry dude. :/ Girls can be cruel sometimes, and they can give a lot of mixed signals. But my only advice to you would be not to give up! Keep going after girls, follow your heart! But remember to stay true to it, because sometimes loneliness and desperation can lead to false judgement. You might do something you'll regret later. So just keep a clear head about it, and never give up!

Soft cuddly nerds for the win!

 

[WOPR]

"I like you, you're nice, funny, kind, and anyone would be very lucky to have you"
(quickly followed up by)
"...but we're JUST friends, okay?"
(2/3 of the time)
"You're like a brother to me..."

...soo am I the only one that wonders "well if all that is true why doesn't anyone try to give me a chance instead of pulling the 'friend' card every time?"

I'm sorry dude. :/ Girls can be cruel sometimes, and they can give a lot of mixed signals. But my only advice to you would be not to give up! Keep going after girls, follow your heart! But remember to stay true to it, because sometimes loneliness and desperation can lead to false judgement. You might do something you'll regret later. So just keep a clear head about it, and never give up!

Soft cuddly nerds for the win!

...My heart is telling me to go to the other end of the country after I get a job and enough money to get there...

I have a friend there who recently confessed her feelings for me and I've had a huge crush on her for well over a year now... but not the "she's so hot" kind of crush, the kind that as long as she's happy I'm happy...

jeeze I sound sappy

why must the girl I like who likes me back live 2267.3 miles away..?

 

[Grimsinger]

This might sound weird (really really weird) but being kinda erm, well as my friend put it, "sexually threatening". The whole "like a brother" thing is said for a reason. Family isn't threatening, its safe and comfy. At least that's what I think, it worked out for me.

Edit: Eh, screw it, be sexually threatening, its the way to go.

 

[TOTL_UNIALAYSHUN]

Well, that's a big commitment. Make sure you put a lot of thought into that. And preparation.

And as for that final question, there's always gonna be a struggle with romance! Any time. Whether it's distance, or separation because of job times, whatever the case, there's always gonna be something holding you back a little. But that's when you know you have true feelings for the person, because you'll want to stay with them, and maybe you get tempted to give up but the look in their eyes, the smile the flash at you, that changes everything.

If you truly like this girl, then go be with her. But just be ready for any struggles, because it's all worth it.

 

[nongentlegentleman]

Tsk I largely avoid it by being clear in intention from the start after we move on we can be friends. I stay on good terms with most of my exes (one cheated on me with a friend of mine I had a bit of revenge and was done with them both) also I dated a lot of my friends who were girls because they recognize what they need from a guy I have so I ended up with a lot of friends with benifits.

Whoa, tangent sorry. So yeah intentions make them clear and this issue is dodged.

 

[EeveeElectro]

I have to say, that's a pretty typical nerd situation.
"She doesn't like me and my stamp collection and painted warhammer figurines, then she goes out with this arsehole who I don't know, but he's an arse because he's with the girl I want..." is the sort of stuff I've heard from some men.

Women in general don't like "nerds" and don't want to be romantically linked. Sure, they're good friends, and maybe do their homework for them but they want to hunky, good looking sociable guy. The fact is, not every girl/guy you like will like you back. There will probably be a point where a girl/guy likes you, and you don't like them. They can't help their feelings, if they don't fancy you, then they don't fancy you.
You will find someone, you just have to broaden your horizons.
And geek chic is apparently in, so it may be soon.

 

[Colour Scientist]

I've had to use the "let's be friends" line on a few people but the only reason it's used is because there really is no nice way to reject someone. "We should be friends" sounds better than "I don't want to be with you because of *insert flaws here*".

If there's no sexual attraction then there's no point embarking on a doomed relationship to save someone's feeling because they're going to be hurt at some point anyway.

It's not a comforting phrase but if anyone knows a nicer way to do it than please let me know.

 

[RollForInitiative]

If you put yourself in the position to be a great friend, you will always be just a friend.

 

[Woodsey]

You need to keep most girls at a bit of a distance. I only have one who I'd count as a true mate and who'd I'd never do shit with.

Hide behind something with other girls or else you'll get too bogged down in knowing way too much shit about each other, and flirt even just a tad with any of them and all of them (that are fit).

 

[esperandote]

That's because they aren't physicaly atracted to you. Work out a little bit, clean yourself up, dress nice and sooner or later one will fall on the trap.

 

[Mr. Google]

Because you asked her out after you became friends with her... My friend does this all the time. He finds a girl he likes, and instead of asking her out while they're just acquaintances, he slowly becomes her friend. Five months later, he'll be sad that she's talking about other guys to him.

Show your feelings and intentions early.

Or perhaps the girl really isn't interested in you. Saying you want to stay friends is a nice way of saying she doesn't want to go out with you.

Seriously this is it just 100% there was a girl who said to me that if she was more my type than she would go out with me but really I met her when i already had a girlfriend and at the same time she just wasnt my type so she realized the friend boundary right away. But please believe me i have been a friend zone friend for about 6 years now and im 15...You just have to make sure the girl knows right away that you like her. You need to be better at flirting. With out certain signals the girl automatically selects you as a friend

 

[justnotcricket]

I've had to use the "let's be friends" line on a few people but the only reason it's used is because there really is no nice way to reject someone. "We should be friends" sounds better than "I don't want to be with you because of *insert flaws here*".

If there's no sexual attraction then there's no point embarking on a doomed relationship to save someone's feeling because they're going to be hurt at some point anyway.

It's not a comforting phrase but if anyone knows a nicer way to do it than please let me know.

Really, this.

You know, sometimes when girls tell you something that you don't want to hear, they're actually trying *not* to hurt you. Does that make sense?

Turning a friend down in the relationship area is one of the worst, hardest and most awkward things I've ever had to do in my life - you know that whatever you say, you will hurt them on some level, and they are your friend, so you don't want to.

Admittedly, I never went down the even more awkward 'Anyone would be lucky...' line, but I can see how some girls might add that as just another way to try and bolster the ego of the friend they have just, without wanting to, crushed.