"...but we're just friends"

[V TheSystem V]

There is this girl I really used to like who I regard more as a sister two years later. She didn't like me back, I went a bit crazy and persistent but she still regarded me as a friend. She was unsure of whether to tell me when she was dating my friend or not (after I had got over her) but I found out and told her that I was really happy for her and all I want is for her to be happy. Her exact words were 'You're one of my best friends...ever!'. And considering my liking for her 3 months before, I was happy just hearing she regarded me like that.

Haven't had anyone saying they regard me as a brother when I have liked them. Usually they run away too quickly.

 

[WingedIncubus]

its because " i could never ever imagine to be in a sexual relationship with you " sounds way more rude then "every other one would be lucky with you"

It is also a defence mechanism, it defuses a potentially harmful situation because the "nice guy" might not remain so nice when facing rejection and the woman needs to tread carefully, otherwise the dejected party might turn insistent, threaten her, become enraged, or in extreme cases attack and rape her.

We males have a lot of difficulty imagining how much women feel vulnerable when alone with a man in a non-friendly situation, even when the guy is a wimpy little schmuck. But they do, and even dweebs can turn violent when provoked or dejected because of the emotions being invested in this fantasy relationship. So they resort to use a calming, reassuring pattern of speech and carefully-selected words to calm the guy enough so that she may exit the scene without harm done to herself.

 

[Direwolf750]

its due to a general sense that psychologically, women tend to be more attracted to people who they see as dangerous, or mysterious. It isn't being sexist, or stereotyping, its just a tendency that has been noticed in studies. The more comforting, friendly, caring individuals are not as likely to be appealing because of this.

This is not a reflection on you or anyone else, just a trend. As such, the idea is that the more you make them feel comfortable, the more they push you into the "friend zone." However, positive results can be obtained this way. It isn't the fastest method, or the most...ethically sound one either. The idea is to get so far intergrated into their lives that you become too important a feature of their daily routine to ignore. Then, ask them out, or somthing similar, preferably at a romantic/significant time.

This method worked for me, don't know about anyone else. It takes a while to get it to work, but if/once it does, it works great. Been happily together for almost 2 years now.

 

[Fetzenfisch]

its because " i could never ever imagine to be in a sexual relationship with you " sounds way more rude then "every other one would be lucky with you"

It is also a defence mechanism, it defuses a potentially harmful situation because the "nice guy" might not remain so nice when facing rejection and the woman needs to tread carefully, otherwise the dejected party might turn insistent, threaten her, become enraged, or in extreme cases attack and rape her.

We males have a lot of difficulty imagining how much women feel vulnerable when alone with a man in a non-friendly situation, even when the guy is a wimpy little schmuck. But they do, and even dweebs can turn violent when provoked or dejected because of the emotions being invested in this fantasy relationship. So they resort to use a calming, reassuring pattern of speech and carefully-selected words to calm the guy enough so that she may exit the scene without harm done to herself.

well thats really some extreme material here. And i guess a different situation described to the one above. A real nice guy, that really is concidered a friend, usually isnt expected to go berserk-rapist-mode in an instant. I wouldnt be alone with someone like that either, nor would i be with him and others so that any kind of relation could built up at all.

 

[WingedIncubus]

its due to a general sense that psychologically, women tend to be more attracted to people who they see as dangerous, or mysterious.

Not necessarily, they are attracted to men who are sexual threats, yeah, but who can also fulfill their needs of protection and support. They want men who can assure their safety and take care of their emotional needs.

"Nice guys" can only provide support, but generally fail to elicit sexual stimuli and feelings of protection and security, and so they make excellent providers to raise kids - and sometimes other guys' kids.

 

[GeorgW]

You need to find a different group of girls...

This thread was over at the first reply.
I'm a big nerd and generally unlikable, but I still find it very easy to get girls. I honestly don't know what they see in me, I just appreciate my situation. I guess there's a technique to it, learn that!

 

[WingedIncubus]

well thats really some extreme material here. And i guess a different situation described to the one above. A real nice guy, that really is concidered a friend, usually isnt expected to go berserk-rapist-mode in an instant. I wouldnt be alone with someone like that either, nor would i be with him and others so that any kind of relation could built up at all.

Three words, man: Crimes of passion. By definition, might happen to anyone, even the best of people.

People tend to do weird shit when provoked beyond a certain tipping point and emotionally overwhelmed. You really think all nice guys don't have testosterone or anger management issues, especially those who contain their aggressive emotions to prevent angering anyone, but become so pent-up inside that it might explode with the wrong trigger?

I'm not saying they all become dangerous, most don't and only whine and beg and whimper, but from the point of view of the woman the potential danger is present enough, in itself, if things escalate out of control. And quite a few "nice guys" tend to drop the "nice" mask very quick when they are rejected unfairly (in their eyes).

 

[Fetzenfisch]

well thats really some extreme material here. And i guess a different situation described to the one above. A real nice guy, that really is concidered a friend, usually isnt expected to go berserk-rapist-mode in an instant. I wouldnt be alone with someone like that either, nor would i be with him and others so that any kind of relation could built up at all.

Three words, man: Crimes of passion.

People tend to do weird shit when provoked beyond a certain tipping point when emotionally overwhelmed, even the best of people. You really think all nice guys don't have testosterone and anger management issues, especially those who contain their aggressive emotions to prevent angering anyone, but become so pent-up that it might explode with the wrong trigger?

I'm not saying they all become dangerous, most don't, but from the point of view of the woman the potential danger is present, in itself, if things escalate out of control. And quite a few "nice guys" tend to drop the "nice" mask very quick when they are rejected unfairly (in their eyes).

Your post above just seemed like all the "lets be friends" girls are in constant fear every man around might spontanously grow fur, teeth and a boner, hunting everything that looks remotely female. I think in most cases its just a polite rejection.

 

[WingedIncubus]

Your post above just seemed like all the "lets be friends" girls are in constant fear every man around might spontanously grow fur, teeth and a boner, hunting everything that looks remotely female. I think in most cases its just a polite rejection.

I've giving you one main reason why rejection is made as polite as possible, instead of "What? Get lost, you little wimp." But yeah, most guys aren't threatening, but it takes one obssessive or forceful asshole for things to suddenly get dangerous.

I've seen one of my female pals get in such a situation, the guy just wouldn't understand and he would threaten her by saying that if he can't have her, nobody would. He changed 180-degrees the minute she refused his "feelings of eternal love", and she really had to word her rejection carefully (I know, I helped her find a way to formulate it), and even feigned remaining his friend until the semester was over and she could move away.

 

[ComicsAreWeird]

Riiiiight intooooo tha Friend Zawn! Sorry...needless Top Gun reference.

I had this happen to me a few times too. After i became friends with a few girls, they wouldnt want to be more than friends. So, i decided to become proactive when i met someone i was attracted to. It has worked well for me ever since. I made a move on my current girlfriend as soon as i understood there was some chemistry between us. It´s been going on pretty well so far...we´ve been dating for 2 years. I guess it´s a matter of timing.

But of course, this doesnt apply to every girl. Some may tell you you dont want to move things "too fast". That´s bound to happen a couple of times. But as some people say: "No pain, no gain".

 

[katsumoto03]

I don't think I've ever been rejected when asking a girl out.

Sure, they might break up with me a few weeks later, (or more likely I'll get sick of them and dump them 6 months later) but I don't think I've ever been denied straight up.

Sorry, didn't mean to rub that in anyone's face. Just saying that there's hope. If I can do it, so can you.

Oops, you dropped your purple hat.

 

[p3t3r]

here is a tip kids don't try and be their friends if you don't want to be their friends. if you want to be their boyfriends then try and be their boyfriends. ask them out after a week or two not after a month or two and not after a year or two.

 

[Fetzenfisch]

Your post above just seemed like all the "lets be friends" girls are in constant fear every man around might spontanously grow fur, teeth and a boner, hunting everything that looks remotely female. I think in most cases its just a polite rejection.

I've giving you one main reason why rejection is made as polite as possible, instead of "What? Get lost, you little wimp." But yeah, most guys aren't threatening, but it takes only obssessive or forceful asshole to get dangerous.

I've seen one of my female pals get in such a situation, the guy just wouldn't understand and he would threaten her by saying that if he can't have her, nobody wouldn't. She really had to word her rejection carefully, and even feigned being his friend until the semester was over and she could move away.

While the "little wimp/ugly nerd/ laughable excuse for a real man" thing is way more probable.
But i am not saying you are wrong. But its not usually the kind of people OP mentioned. Your motivation here is of course utilized in a lot of cases like the drunk bulky idiot in a bar or people like that. Usually not the nerdy niceguy goodfriend kind of boy.

 

[WingedIncubus]

But i am not saying you are wrong. But its not usually the kind of people OP mentioned. Your motivation here is of course utilized in a lot of cases like the drunk bulky idiot in a bar or people like that. Usually not the nerdy niceguy goodfriend kind of boy.

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/BewareTheNiceOnes

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Ptitleutvwuc2h?from=Main.BitchInSheepsClothing

These boys tend to accumulate grievances and frustrations because they don't want to get beat up by jocks, get grounded by their parents, or fuss anyone, and when they reach the breaking point, they can get very angry and upset. Women know that, and that is why they attempt to spare their feelings as much as possible.

I'm not saying that women act like sociopaths just for the sake of it and that they don't care at all about their feelings. I am sure the vast majority of women are genuinely touched and pained. That said, their primary objective is to defuse the situation and get things under control to preserve their own safety first.

 

[Thaliur]

...Just wondering

Being a site of nerds (I mean that in a good way) I'm wondering if any of you have had this situation

Being the cuddly, shy, kindhearted souls we are (well some of us are *cough*)

Why is it that EVERY girl I have ever talked to... goes like this...

"I like you, you're nice, funny, kind, and anyone would be very lucky to have you"
(quickly followed up by)
"...but we're JUST friends, okay?"
(2/3 of the time)
"You're like a brother to me..."

...soo am I the only one that wonders "well if all that is true why doesn't anyone try to give me a chance instead of pulling the 'friend' card every time?"

sorry starting to rant

In Short: Has anyone else had this situation?

(and yeah it ticks me off that after all that stuff they say they go out with a total dick saying "I can change him, he's nice deep down")

EDIT: Crap... did this become a "Hot Thread" while I was asleep? because I had 12 quotes here when I woke up... *grumbles*

It's not like that all the time. I used to think the same way, but I started a relationship with a girl on campus after a year of really good friendship. It started slow (cuddling, kissing) and after a week she broke up because she thought I might love her too much and she didn't want to break my heart if we stayed together and it didn't work out, because she would not be able to forgive herself for that. We stayed friends though, and after a week she changed her mind. Now we've been together for more than two years, almost constantly seeing each other (we lived almost next door for a year and then moved in together).
Apparently, the best friends/lovers mix does indeed work in some cases, so it can't be a universal truth.

Somehow that way of thinking must have started though. It might have gone the same way with us if she hadn't shown some initiative herself.

 

[RanD00M]

I haven't gotten really close to anyone as a friend for a bout a year, or two even. Which means that I am pretty unlikely to have had this problem.

 

[Rachel317]

Guys giving guys dating advice...I love how everyone says "don't be friends!"

Speaking from a female perspective (of course, this won't work with ALL girls), I prefer to be friends first, because then I can judge what taking the next step would be like. I really believe that the "I want to be friends" or "I don't want to ruin our friendship" excuses are absolutely rubbish.
To put it bluntly, if a girl says this, she's just not interested in a romantic relationship, whether that's because you're not her type, she doesn't find you attractive, whatever.

I don't know one girl who has gotten into a relationship with a guy who is a mere acquaintance, because a certain degree of trust usually needs to be established for a girl to commit.
If you're friends with a girl and you both like each other, it WILL happen. There won't be any of this "we're friends" rubbish, because the next logical step from a platonic friendship is a romantic relationship. Love usually comes from compatibility, so if you're friends, you're able to forge a deep connection from the off.

It's just like...how "the spark" is a term made up by guys so they can have sex with someone. It's all a charade!

OP: All that's happening is that you just haven't found a good enough girl yet.
I'm sorry if it upsets you or whatever, but "we're just friends" is a lame excuse so that she can duck out of having to say "not interested" and avoid hurting your feelings so that she doesn't look like the bad guy.

How much easier would it be if girls were forthright and honest? If I like or don't like someone (in general or romantically), they damn well know about it. I get so sick of mind games, and I think girls play them to their full effect. At least you know if a guy just wants sex. Women can play games to expand their own egos, out of resentment, out of pure malice...

Not saying only girls act this way, and only guys act that way, there are exceptions to every rule, so I don't mean to offend anyone who's not like this, I'm just generalising to make a point.

 

[WingedIncubus]

Guys giving guys dating advice...I love how everyone says "don't be friends!"

I don't remember saying "don't be friends". I remember saying "don't be a wimp", assume your desires, and don't use friendship as a way to supplicate for a relationship from a girl or a woman.