Caffeine: Borderlands *50th review*

[domble]

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[HEADING=2]caffeine[/HEADING]​

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[HEADING=1]BORDERLANDS[/HEADING]

Being the kind of snob that won't touch a film unless it's won at least five awards I've never even heard of, it's not surprising that I like my games to have a little story too.

If I didn't keep selling them whenever I run out of money for cigarettes and cheap vodka, my shelves would be teaming with games that tell tales of love, betrayal, anguish and extraterrestrial genocide. But like a purveyor of haute cuisine after realising they could actually starve to death eating their own food, sometimes all I really fancy is a kebab.

And this is where my new layout comes in handy, because discussing the characters in Borderlands for an entire segment would take a lot of padding. Your choices in lead characters comes down to Mordecai (sniper and bird enthusiast), Roland (assault rifle connoisseur), Lilith (assassin / token female) and Brick (take a wild guess). These are not characters that will echo down the ages, and should be chosen purely on the basis of what particular brand of apocalyptic carnage you, personally, like to inflict.

The planet you'll be happening to is Pandora, an alien world populated exclusively by hillbillies, which is just what happens when the colonisation shuttle consists of one redneck and his sister. After spawning wave after wave of inbred offspring, most of the population are now savage, eerily-identical looking nutjobs. As societies go, Pandora has a bit of an issue in that the ratio of machete-wielding psychopaths to honest working stiffs is a little skewed; for every three normal people you see standing around doing nothing, there are forty gun-toting maniacs running around trying to chew your face off.

Why does the majority of the populace try to kill you on sight? Well, maybe it's because you ain't from around these parts. It could be the fact that you look like you've been attacked by a Mad Max boxset, but it's probably because you're a mercenary looking for The Vault, a fabled room somewhere containing something that everyone thinks contains nothing but sheer awesome - and they're all more than willing to step over your perforated corpse to get to it. Really, The Vault is only a flimsy maguffin to stitch together the dangling rags of plot which are draped around the landscape, so instead you'll be given another incentive to stagger from locale to locale: big, sexy firearms.

Guns are definitely a recurring theme here, mainly because the residents of Pandora take their Second Amendment Right seriously. The amount of small arms in circulation is as horrifying as imagining Scrubs without Dr. Cox, and appear so often you practically trip over them with each alternate step. The game can boast a whopping 3,166,880 different devices that deliver hot, Mach 3 death[footnote]This is according to the very first website I stumbled onto and believed unquestioningly.[/footnote], so you'll constantly be swapping guns with their slightly more effective counterparts.

The economy of Pandora seems to be immune to market flooding, so you'll avoid spending sinful amounts of money on new guns in shops by prying the old ones out of people's cold, dead hands. Since your character has a limited amount of carrying space, that means you're going to have to find some people to use as pack mules, and this is when everything starts to make sense.

I'm about to have my criticism of the story and characters rendered moot because Borderlands is a multiplayer experience to its sandy, dirt-bike loving core. The four characters can be in the same game world at once, meaning that if you can align three of your friends to buy the game at the same time, you'll be in for hours of cooperative fun. The game skimps on the plot and variation in enemies so that you can form tactics easily, and have more in-depth arguments about who gets the guns you've just found. It can't be denied that driving around a barren wasteland on a dune buggy taking pot-shots at pseudo hockey fans is a mountain of fun with friends, but the game is let down by peculiar, and oftentimes fatal, spikes in difficulty.

Whilst playing the game, and at the start especially, you will have your arse handed to you in certain areas. Now there are several schools of thought about how free-roaming games should handle exploration; some think that enemies should level with you provide a nice, constant difficulty, whilst others think that having areas of high difficulty makes the world feel more real and alive. Truth be told, both sides have valid points, but because Borderlands has enemies that never change their appearance, the only way to tell if you're in a no-win situation is by the fact that a bullet has just hit you hard enough to kill both of your parents. Of course you'll be respawned instantly with only a percentage of your cash gone, but one can't help thinking that this is unfair without some kind of warning. It's akin a stranger asking you to guess their favourite colour, and then mugging you if you get it wrong.

You may be forgiven for thinking, at first glance, that Borderlands is nothing but a juvenile firearm joygasm with all the depth of a training bra, and you'd be right, but it does have a stab at jamming in some RPG elements, with a surprising amount of success. You won't be bombarded by character sheets with stats demanding your immediate, OCD management, but what you will get is a clear indication of how much better you're getting with the guns you're using. Whenever you hit a target, you'll be rewarded by XP cascading out of your victim and added into the pool at the bottom of the screen. As anyone who who has played an RPG will know, numbers instantly become sexy if it means that they will help you see more numbers. This gave me an idea for an app that keeps track of how much money you receive at work, displaying the pennies earned every time you stack a shelf, or close a multi-million dollar business deal.

Of course, Borderlands is far from perfect. The locations are samey, the shooting is good but never exceptional, and every so often the loot generator will provide you with a shotgun that has a sniper scope nailed to it, or something as equally useless. Some guns are even picky about being used; you'll find yourself in a situation where you have an awesome weapon that can't be equipped for another three levels, but because you can't store anything, you'll end up lugging it along with you for hours, desperately trying to remember not to sell it. Add to this that you know you'll find something just as good when you get to the right level but you might not, and all you have a 30lb piece of metal in your possession, staring at you dispassionately until it thinks you're awesome enough to pull its trigger. There is DLC available to fix this, but I'm not paying £5 for a damned box.

The main point in the game's favour is that none of this stops the fun. If you can get your friends in on the action, you'll go through the 20+ hours of playtime and be ready for more, which the game also provides in a second, more challenging playthrough. By keeping the plot light and the characters unobtrusive, Borderlands just doesn't have enough to get sick of.

Which is great, if that's what you fancy.

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Spoiler: The Caffeine Archives: because your time is basically worthless.

Film: Book of Eli [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.272492-Caffeine-Book-of-Eli] / The Social Network [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.270049-Caffeine-The-Social-Network] / Machete [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.256345-Caffeine-Machete] / Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.238816-Caffeine-Bad-Lieutenant-Port-of-Call-New-Orleans] / Inception [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.231490-Caffeine-Inception-One-Year-Anniversary] / Black Dynamite [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.226865-Caffeine-Black-Dynamite] / A Scanner Darkly [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.199489-Caffeine-A-Scanner-Darkly] / Iron Man 2 [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.195243-Caffeine-Iron-Man-2] / Terminator Salvation [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.191560-Caffeine-Terminator-Salvation-and-the-calamity-of-fourquels] / Serenity [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.189502-Caffeine-Serenity] / Frost/Nixon [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.187906-Caffeine-Frost-Nixon] / Kick-Ass [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.185181-Caffeine-Kick-Ass#5608635] / The Hurt Locker [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.183962-Caffeine-The-Hurt-Locker#5524103] / Pretty Woman [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.183238-Caffeine-Pretty-Woman] / The Haunting in Connecticut [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.181389-Caffeine-The-Haunting-in-Connecticut] / The Watchmen [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.180241-Caffeine-The-Watchmen-and-a-few-words-on-the-art-of-Adaptation] / The Men Who Stare at Goats [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.170886-Caffeine-The-Men-Who-Stare-at-Goats-25th-Review] / In the Loop [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.165442] / a Plan 9 from Outer Space rant [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.166079-Caffeine-a-Plan-9-from-Outer-Space-rant#4395286] / Moon [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.162973] / Pulp Fiction [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.156647] / Night Watch [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.154980] / X-Men Origins: Wolverine [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.153507] / The Departed [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.149527] / Star Trek 2009 [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.149058#3470961] / A review of Love Happens (Without seeing it first) [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.148846#3460365] / Inglourious Basterds [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.147977#3420043] / Fight Club Essay [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.147655#3403751] / District 9 [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.147097#3373011] / The Crow 4: Wicked Prayer [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.137348#3089948]



Game: Fallout: New Vegas + Dead Money [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.271118-Caffeine-Fallout-New-Vegas-Dead-Money] / Metro 2033 [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.270445-Caffeine-Metro-2033] / Resident Evil 5 [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.222184-Caffeine-Resident-Evil-5-and-a-few-words-on-racism] / ME2 DLC Bonanza! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.216231-Caffeine-Mass-Effect-2-DLC-Bonanza-1-2] / Red Dead Redemption [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.201344-Caffeine-Red-Dead-Redemption] / Final Fantasy VIII retrospective [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.185358-Caffeine-Final-Fantasy-VIII] / Modern Warfare II, and the making of Caffeine [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.161600] / Final Fantasy Double Feature [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.158465] / Resident Evil 4 Retrospective [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.148447#3440710] / Mass Effect [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.145571#3296970] / Final Fantasy: Dissidea [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.144913#3266704] / Metal Gear Solid Twin Snakes [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.140353#3149506] / Far Cry 2 [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.139317#3129015] / Street Fighter IV [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.136868#3079685]



Other: The sinister nature of Viva Pinata [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.271711-Caffeine-Viva-Pinata-ban-this-sick-filth] / The Zombie Survival Guide and World War Z double feature [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.169416] / A Review of Society, via Call of Duty 4 [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.151891] / A review of My Cat [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.146281#3332788]



The Knuckleduster : Mass Effect 2 [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.182033-Pimppeter2-and-Domble-present-The-Knuckleduster-Mass-Effect-2] / The Trial of Society, via Modern Warfare II [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.204216-Pimppeter2-Domble-present-The-Knuckleduster-The-Trial-of-Society-via-Modern-Warfare-II]

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[HEADING=3]

To celebrate my 50th review, I've created Team Caffeine [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/groups/view/Team-Caffeine] - a group to chew the fat about any media news, feedback for my reviews or requests.​

[/HEADING]

 

[AnAngryMoose]

Loved the review and the layout. Keep it and and keep me giggling.

 

[domble]

Loved the review and the layout. Keep it and and keep me giggling.

haha thanks man, it was a bit touch-and-go there with the new format, but I think it's more or less working now. If nothing else it's a novelty, got me writing more

 

[DeadpanLunatic]

I have removed my words from this site.

 

[BENZOOKA]

I love loot! I love to see numbers increase!: Those are pretty much the things that make an RPG, for me. Fuck the story.

And I must say that you're currently my favorite reviewer. And I've been looking for a Borderlands review, without actually looking for one.

 

[Xyphon]

There are ways to know if an enemy is too much of a challenge for you. For one, Clap Trap tells you that if you see an enemy with a skull next to the name, get the fuck out of there.

Then, the names change the more difficult they get. Skags for example. Whelp, Pup, Elder, and Badass are just a few names that describe their level.

They eyes! Pay attention to the eyes! If the eyes are glowing, that means the fucker is going to be tough.

The body mass is a good indicator as well. You don't look at a reeeaaally large SKag and think "Oh, this is going to be a walk in the park!". You think "This fucker's gonna chew my crotch off!".

Good review with some decent humor in it. I honestly never thought of the inhabitants as incesty hillbillies. xD

 

[Jamboxdotcom]

nice review. i love Borderlands multiplayer. it's sorta like a mini-MMO (and i'm definitely an MMORPG guy).

 

[domble]

But honestly, what's with the increased productivity? You make me feel lazy.

Oh you know me, just high on life and other substances

I love loot!

Thanks for the kind words

I didn't mention it in the review so people don't think I'm crazy. but I actually traveled to every shop twice to see what guns they had for sale. If they released Borderlands: Bargain Hunting, I'd probably just buy that lol

snippity

Haha honestly, after the guy who provides the cars, hillbillies were all I could think of.

There are a few indications of danger, but it's only usually once you're up close. Also, the dune buggies go so fast you might even end up in a situation before you realise. It only happened a few times, mind, but all my friends were there so I thought I'd throw a big wobbly anyway lol

nice review. i love Borderlands multiplayer. it's sorta like a mini-MMO (and i'm definitely an MMORPG guy).

Definitely see what you mean there hombre, although I've been banned from owning an MMO. I was once addicted to sherbert, so everyone thought it best that my particular personality never got the chance to try something like WoW haha

 

[domble]

50 reviews? I'm not that far off, I've already got three!

Congrats, Domble, and sweet review! Makes me want to start playing this, after I finish the ridiculous amount of other games I have to play XD

haha a year and a bit of writing on here now, strains the mind a bit.

you got any more reviews in the pipeline dudeski? 50 is just around the corner!

 

[domble]

So my massive fanbase will just have to continue re-reading my VVVVVV one, I'm afraid XD

Did I read that? I'm sure I commented... Bah, can't remember!

Speaking of which, you better join my damn group for all the pestering you did about tupperware haha

 

[Onyx Oblivion]

Sweet review of a sweet game.

Unfortunately, my first two playthroughs were solo with a Siren...Still was easily my GOTY 2009. Well, maybe DA:O. But I didn't play that until 2010.

 

[domble]

So my massive fanbase will just have to continue re-reading my VVVVVV one, I'm afraid XD

Did I read that? I'm sure I commented... Bah, can't remember!

http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.257229

You didn't

Speaking of which, you better join my damn group for all the pestering you did about tupperware haha

*reads*

*realises what has to be done*

You know, I remember seeing this and thinking that it stood for vi veri veniversum vivus vici [/pretentious twat], but couldn't find V for Vendetta anywhere to help me - I actually think I forgot whilst looking for the damn comic.

It was really good man, enjoyed it

[small]I changed the avatar to tupperware in your honour...[/small]

 

[domble]

Sweet review of a sweet game.

Unfortunately, my first two playthroughs were solo with a Siren...Still was easily my GOTY 2009. Well, maybe DA:O. But I didn't play that until 2010.

I loved dragon age origins, but the sequel just seems to have changed too much.

I'm not angry about it, I just don't want to play it lol

 

[Onyx Oblivion]

Sweet review of a sweet game.

Unfortunately, my first two playthroughs were solo with a Siren...Still was easily my GOTY 2009. Well, maybe DA:O. But I didn't play that until 2010.

I loved dragon age origins, but the sequel just seems to have changed too much.

I'm not angry about it, I just don't want to play it lol

Yeah. My feelings are about the same, only I own it and have played it. I'm 40 hours in, at the start of Act 3. And I just don't want to play it. I did the first 30 hours in one week. Now, I'm lucky if I get 1 hour ever 4 days.

 

[domble]

Thanks, all three of those sentences mean a lot

don't mention it, although this does make you the biggest Masochist out there haha

Yeah. My feelings are about the same, only I own it and have played it. I'm 40 hours in, at the start of Act 3. And I just don't want to play it. I did the first 30 hours in one week. Now, I'm lucky if I get 1 hour ever 4 days.

Well for me it was when I played the demo, it just seemed clunky and unresponsive. It felt like they'd taken the Dragon Age model and just ham-handedly bolted extra bits onto places in an effort to be more "dynamic".

I've said it before, but I liked the fact that the first one was an unashamed fantasy bash, the second one just seems to be ashamed of its more accomplished father.

 

[Onyx Oblivion]

Yeah. My feelings are about the same, only I own it and have played it. I'm 40 hours in, at the start of Act 3. And I just don't want to play it. I did the first 30 hours in one week. Now, I'm lucky if I get 1 hour ever 4 days.

Well for me it was when I played the demo, it just seemed clunky and unresponsive. It felt like they'd taken the Dragon Age model and just ham-handedly bolted extra bits onto places in an effort to be more "dynamic".

I've said it before, but I liked the fact that the first one was an unashamed fantasy bash, the second one just seems to be ashamed of its more accomplished father.

I'm fine with the changes to the combat, even if I found the old system superior, even on my silly consoles.

I've not fine with the rest of the changes. The lack of any narrative push is a big one.

I never thought I'd miss having a cliche villain like the Archdemon.

 

[domble]

snip

Well a lot of fantasy epics need some sort of maguffin to keep things rolling along smoothly (LoTR, fer' example), so having some unknown Big Bad is nothing to be ashamed of.

I haven't played II, but it just seems to be somehow against the idea of a narrative story, like it's trying to deliver something a bit more realistic. You know, because a game with the word "dragon" in the title appeals because of its relateability.

Again, not angry. If that's what they want to do with the franchise then whatever they think's best, it's not like they owe me anything lol

 

[Goofguy]

Pretty bang on review. I really enjoy Borderlands and only play it online with a good friend of mine. Probably one of the most accessible co-op games both local and online which makes it an obvious choice if you are looking for a multiplayer campaign mode.

 

[3AM]

There is DLC available to fix this, but I'm not paying £5 for a damned box.

Quoting you is an adventure!

You get more than a storage box with that DLC - you get Moxxie's Underdome, which is lots of fun and where I met the majority of my Borderlands friends. I just did some Dome last night. I stumbled upon a mid-level person trying it alone. I helped out and as usual, had a blast.

Nice review - had me laughing plus you clearly know and enjoy the game.

 

[domble]

Pretty bang on review. I really enjoy Borderlands and only play it online with a good friend of mine. Probably one of the most accessible co-op games both local and online which makes it an obvious choice if you are looking for a multiplayer campaign mode.

Well I like how you can play the game, be entertained and still have enough brain power left to make yo' momma jokes. It's just a fun, relaxing little game. Not too stingy on the playtime, either

There is DLC available to fix this, but I'm not paying £5 for a damned box.

Quoting you is an adventure!

You get more than a storage box with that DLC - you get Moxxie's Underdome, which is lots of fun and where I met the majority of my Borderlands friends. I just did some Dome last night. I stumbled upon a mid-level person trying it alone. I helped out and as usual, had a blast.

Nice review - had me laughing plus you clearly know and enjoy the game.

Haha and writing it is an odyssey.

I have a tricky time with DLC, my xbox somehow survived the red ring fiasco and has a memory on parr with my wristwatch - every time I want to dl something, I have to juggle fifteen others out of the way. Just makes me a little predisposed to try and avoid it.

thanks for the kind words there hombre, and after 37 hours I damn well better know the game lol