Cheating in relationships: your views?

[Vanguard_Ex]

I was going to comment about how much I love your posts and was happy you chose to drop in but, now I can't help but feel quite guilty I even made this thread. You sound like you've been through a lot and I can sympathise on the level of despising the behaviour, at least (I'm not going to patronise by saying I understand situations and mindsets I've never even experienced).

Ah, don't sweat it, dude. I would've left out all the personal stuff if I wasn't crashing from an all-day caffeine high. This thread turned out really well, by the way.

If you say so my man. If it helps, the more hardships people have faced, the higher respect I have for them. Which puts you somewhere up in the stratosphere.
And thank you, I was hoping it would at least produce some good discussion.

 

[Vanguard_Ex]

I think we can all agree cheating is bad, so this topic is kinda redundant.

and if I find out someone was cheating on me I'll become the biggest douchebag in their life.

Not necessarily. Read through and you'll see that some people don't even acknowledge cheating as an issue.

yeah, just did. My bad.

No worries man, I do stupider things every day on this forum.
EDIT: Example: stupider isn't even a word. Hur derp.

 

[Mr. Strange]

"Cheating" only happens when there is an agreement about expectations, and one person violates that agreement.

In many relationships, the people involved do not spend enough time explicitly talking about their expectations - and this is where people run into significant trouble. Expectations are very tricky things...

 

[The Sorrow]

My view?
Don't.

 

[Vanguard_Ex]

"Cheating" only happens when there is an agreement about expectations, and one person violates that agreement.

In many relationships, the people involved do not spend enough time explicitly talking about their expectations - and this is where people run into significant trouble. Expectations are very tricky things...

Very true, an excellent point. Everything only exists within boundaries.

By the way guys, I thank every one of you who's posted in here. You've provided so much thought-provoking discussion and even helped me learn more about myself.

 

[Woodsey]

I don't look down on people who do, but personally I'd feel dirty if I turned on God Mode against my girlfriend.

[small]Wait, what?[/small]

 

[Candidus]

Personally? I find it disgusting...

I don't believe you should find it "disgusting". Just going to take a candid look at the motives common to cheaters (to my knowledge).

1: Because the opportunity presents. Very hurtful. Quite rare for an adult to cheat for this reason. Nevertheless, an objective onlooker ought to remember that only an idiot believes they're above straight-forward cheating. Being complimented by a flirtatious co-worker (just for example) can be a huge ego boost with an immense feel-good factor (habitual compliments between partners often cease to produce this feeling). The victim is allowed to waive objectivity, but anybody else can see how flirting back to garner more nice comments could eventually lure one in to more and more vulnerable(risky) positions.

If you're the victim of this kind if cheating, go ahead and have at them like it's their fault. It is their fault. But leave your high horse in its clouded stable. You are every bit as vulnerable to the same or a similar chain of events as they are, and if you claim otherwise you're just a dirty liar to boot.

Or

2: He/She has wanted to end it for some time, but didn't want to hurt you or was afraid to tell you, eventually became so desperate that he/she started living the single life *around* you. In my experience- which is two occasions- the most common. Easily forgivable- except by vindictive, petulant asswipes.

Or

3: You're judgemental and uncooperative with his/her sexual kinks. he/she is perhaps emotionally satisfied by you and doesn't want to call it off, but he/she neither can nor should be expected to go forever without getting their funky fix. Be an adult, experiment, agree to try anything once- or do the decent thing and end your relationship immediately, for their sake.

Or

4: Your relationship has been suffering for some time. He/she was grabbing happiness wherever he/she could get it. Maybe they're susceptible to depression and maybe they weren't coping as well as you were, or maybe they really don't love you as much as you love them. None of these things is disgusting. Them's just the breaks.


... What I'm trying to get across is that a simple "that's disgusting" pretty much never applies to an incident of cheating. If you believe you're above it, therefore *everybody* could and should be, then good for you. I guess. I don't believe you, but good for you.

 

[lovemyredguitar]

"Treat other people the way you want to be treated"- a rule we all learned in 2nd grade.

If you dont like getting cheated on dont do it to others. If you really wanna cheat just break up with your spouse/partner and start dating the other. Nothing good comes from cheating (aside from sex)

 

[CarpathianMuffin]

If you're really that torn between two people, or want both, you shouldn't be in a relationship to begin with.
Maybe try dating the other person if you're hell bent on dating 'em, but cheating is absolutely despicable in my eyes.

 

[Divine Miss Bee]

i rarely get involved in a relationship, since i still want to play the field. i will never commit myself to a person unless i only want to be with them. a relationship is a trust in the other person that they will hold you on a higher level than they do others, and you give them your word that you will do the same. i'm not the relationship type-i tend to go out with multiple people at the same time, but i don't make promises to the contrary. sleeping with multiple people isn't an issue unless you have made that promise and broken it. then, it's deplorable and the person who does it deserves to be celibate for the rest of his/her life.

 

[TornadoADV]

Animals with logic, reasoning, morals and complex emotional relationships that depend on communication and the actions we choose with our own executive thinking.
In my honest opinion, anyone who lets it slide because it's 'just our biology' or something similar are in denial.

I'm not in denial about anything, I completely upfront with the faults/drives of our biological being. Staying with one partner only makes sense if you constantly produce offspring with said partner, that's the entire fundamental reason for mammals to stick together. (And protecting/raising their young.)

People aren't perfect, they will make mistakes and if my partner is happy, then I'm happy. I'm not going to force said partner to be unhappy because of some trite concept of the "sacred relationship" that is in so much tatters on this planet as to render it nothing more then a joke.

Sorry, I wasn't inteding to accuse you of being in denial. It wasn't meant that way but yeah, it pretty much came out that way.

I can see where you are coming from but years of debate and experimentation around this very subject have shown that we are more than chemical impulses and bestial drives.
It's the fundamental reason for life, but that is not why we necessarily stay with people; our cognitive processes are the gift that let us experience life differently to animals that just fuck and die. How else can you explain staying with or leaving somebody due to personality issues?

If you care enough about a person to stay with them even with their flaws, then that's true love. It doesn't matter about what dangles between your legs (or doesn't dangle, as the case may be.) and what you do with it. My statement only stands of course, if that's what the relationship is, if you've agreed on something else, no matter how foolish, that is your bond. Then it's not about biology, then it's about lying.

 

[Vanguard_Ex]

Personally? I find it disgusting...

-snip-

I'm having a hard time trying to decide the nature of your post...you seem like you're trying to call me a liar.
I find the act of having sex with somebody else whilst you are in a committed relationship disgusting. I can't explain the intricate reasons behind this because frankly, I don't have a clue. I just do, I find it repulsive and I won't even sarcastically apologise if you can't understand this.

Let me tell you a little story though: until recently I was in a long distance relationship which won't be commented further upon. Basically, I have been at a party, slightly tipsy but not enough to be a major factor, with a girl sat opposite me on a pool table tugging at my jeans pestering me to forget about my girlfriend who was 420 miles away at the time. This particular girl was shot down.
I am above such a juvenile lack of self-control and commitment to my self, as well as another soul.
You don't have to believe me, I know that I wouldn't do something which I find so vile.

 

[BringBackBuck]

OK, to all the people in here who think cheating is the worst thing ever, and that if you want to sleep with someone else it means that you don't want to be in that relationship - it is just not that simple. How about this scenario for example:

You are married to the woman you love and have a couple of beautiful children together. As a consequence of the hormonal changes that have taken place she no longer has any libido. None. The woman you love no longer wants to have sex with you. You still love your wife and want to bang her 5 times a day. You still love your kids too, so ending the relationship isn't an option, however not having sex for the next 40-50 years isn't an option either.

Answer 1: I would repress my sexual desire for the rest of my life. Bullshit.
Answer 2: I would make my wife regain her sexual desire. Bullshit. If you knew how to do that you'd already be a billionaire.
Answer 3: I would get my wife to agree to an open relationship. She says no.
Answer 5: Turn my back on the woman I love and my children so that I could satisfy my sexual desire and not be considered a cheat.
Answer 4: Stay with my wife and continue to be a good husband and father but have sexual intercourse with someone else.

 

[Lord Mountbatten Reborn]

You know what Vanguard, I realise I never gave my position, though I subscribe to the idea that cheating is bad like most others, especially due to the deception of it. Seriously, putting everything down to human biology is denying our evolutionary progression. Instinct exists but we are more sophisticated and intelligent in overcoming it. Anyone who chooses to ignore that with such reasoning should be treated the most suspiciously when it comes to relationships.

That being said I have cheated once before, and am still yet to understand what truly happened with one of my relationships, as ambiguously and ignominiously as it ended for me (in my eyes).

The latter one, fine, no idea what happened with it (the various explanations provided by many all contradict each other), so I shall ignore it. I overcame that, and I'm better for it.

The former, that's a different story. Yes, I certainly shouldn't have done that, but by then I'd developed an anti-love for my girlfriend at the time, and would've already dumped her if it wasn't for the fact that she threatened me with her own suicide several times. Indefensible I know, but ultimately the time with her I can now call the worst of my entire life, and I hated feeling unable to get away from that.

Now that lessons have been learned, I think the first thing I'm going to do is make sure my next girlfriend isn't a Yandere. I certainly won't cheat.

 

[Vanguard_Ex]

Animals with logic, reasoning, morals and complex emotional relationships that depend on communication and the actions we choose with our own executive thinking.
In my honest opinion, anyone who lets it slide because it's 'just our biology' or something similar are in denial.

I'm not in denial about anything, I completely upfront with the faults/drives of our biological being. Staying with one partner only makes sense if you constantly produce offspring with said partner, that's the entire fundamental reason for mammals to stick together. (And protecting/raising their young.)

People aren't perfect, they will make mistakes and if my partner is happy, then I'm happy. I'm not going to force said partner to be unhappy because of some trite concept of the "sacred relationship" that is in so much tatters on this planet as to render it nothing more then a joke.

Sorry, I wasn't inteding to accuse you of being in denial. It wasn't meant that way but yeah, it pretty much came out that way.

I can see where you are coming from but years of debate and experimentation around this very subject have shown that we are more than chemical impulses and bestial drives.
It's the fundamental reason for life, but that is not why we necessarily stay with people; our cognitive processes are the gift that let us experience life differently to animals that just fuck and die. How else can you explain staying with or leaving somebody due to personality issues?

If you care enough about a person to stay with them even with their flaws, then that's true love. It doesn't matter about what dangles between your legs (or doesn't dangle, as the case may be.) and what you do with it. My statement only stands of course, if that's what the relationship is, if you've agreed on something else, no matter how foolish, that is your bond. Then it's not about biology, then it's about lying.

Fair enough. You seem to still be quite cynical about this but regardless, it really doesn't matter; all the same I'm grateful you've contributed to the discussion and shown me that there are hundreds of angles to view anything from. Thank you, really.

 

[The_Graff]

one word ... unforgivable. if you can't trust them then you have no more relationship.

 

[Vanguard_Ex]

You know what Vanguard, I realise I never gave my position, though I subscribe to the idea that cheating is bad like most others, especially due to the deception of it. Seriously, putting everything down to human biology is denying our evolutionary progression. Instinct exists but we are more sophisticated and intelligent in overcoming it. Anyone who chooses to ignore that with such reasoning

That being said I have cheated once before, and am still yet to understand what truly happened with one of my relationships, as ambiguously and ignominiously as it ended for me (in my eyes).

The latter one, fine, no idea what happened with it (the various explanations provided by many all contradict each other), so I shall ignore it. I overcame that, and I'm better for it.

The former, that's a different story. Yes, I certainly shouldn't have done that, but by then I'd developed an anti-love for my girlfriend at the time, and would've already dumped her if it wasn't for the fact that she threatened me with her own suicide several times. Indefensible I know, but ultimately the time with her I can now call the worst of my entire life, and I hated feeling unable to get away from that.

Now that lessons have been learned, I think the first thing I'm going to do is make sure my next girlfriend isn't a Yandere. I certainly won't cheat.

Thank you, your contribution is certainly one of the more interesting that I've seen.
Yes, I'm a firm believer that we just cannot be explained animalistically and just be dismissed so easily. We have higher cognitive functions than that, to deny premiscuous behaviour as anything more than our own primal breeding instincts is to deny relationships themselves.
By the way, you sound like an honest and intelligent person, there's no judgement here.

 

[CardinalPiggles]

its sick and not fair to the other person in your relationship, or the person ur cheating with. (assuming they dont know your with someone else).

do not do it, it can destroy someones trust in there prefered sex gender and even friends.

 

[Raiha]

i am currently going through a divorce because my ex-wife cheated on me with one of my best friends. take a wild guess as to how i feel about cheaters.

 

[Vanguard_Ex]

i am currently going through a divorce because my ex-wife cheated on me with one of my best friends. take a wild guess as to how i feel about cheaters.

Oh my god, you poor soul. I hope you repair in due time my man. I'm not going to even pretend I know what you're going through.