Clever insults?

[Mycroft Holmes]

An example is "I find your behavior comparable to those diagnosed with retardation."

That's less of a clever insult and more of you discovering how to use a thesaurus...

 

[Icaruss]

I used to tell my little brother he was the poster child for abortion.It worked out though his now 6,4 220ish and could kick my ass with a particularly hard look.

 

[Random berk]

Saw this one in my undergrad lab;

'During evolution, your ancestors must have been the control group.'

I quite like it. Though if I was ever talking to someone that I would actually use any of these insults in anger long enough to need it, then I'd be doing something wrong anyway.

 

[Calibanbutcher]

Found my standard response to something and/or someone which manages to truly provoke me on the internet.

Spoiler: warning, fully fledged rant inside

Why are you such an idiot? You jaundiced jumped up, vercordiously pusillanimous piffle. Your vileseome existence nauseates me beyond compare. It is politically correct when discussing your faults to use certain words to denote your humanness above your disability. But in your case, there is nothing human. You are just challenged, you are just different. Given a choice of stepping in something nasty on the sidewalk, or bidding you good morning, I would happily choose the former. Single-handedly, you have wrenched all meaning out of life. Congratulations. As I write this I try vainly to think of something, anything, which redeems in some small way your utterly pointless existence. The only thing that comes to mind is that you have taught me hate. Pure, unmitigated hate. I have had fantasies about attacking you with a machete, but I dare not. I once cut up a starfish, which was so neurologically simple that each piece grew into a clone of the original. Your coleopteron brain no doubt shares certain appalling similarities with such creatures. You, misguided as you are, might be asking yourself what you have done to deserve such a letter as this. Your misdeeds and villainous vampings can be described in just two words: you exist. And believe me, there is no reason on earth why you should. How do you justify to yourself waking up each morning and ruining yet another day? If everything in this world has some purpose, some grand plan behind its existence, then yours surely is to show everything else, whether it be a slops bucket in a fried chicken stand, or the gunk behind the fridge, how fortunate it is not to be you. I have tried, but clearly, I have failed. I must stand firm to the realisation that mere words cannot express my utmost and profound contempt and loathing for your person, your being and your existence. You are a blight against nature.

 

[Bad Jim]

Found my standard response to something and/or someone which manages to truly provoke me on the internet.

Spoiler: warning, fully fledged rant inside

Why are you such an idiot? You jaundiced jumped up, vercordiously pusillanimous piffle. Your vileseome existence nauseates me beyond compare. It is politically correct when discussing your faults to use certain words to denote your humanness above your disability. But in your case, there is nothing human. You are just challenged, you are just different. Given a choice of stepping in something nasty on the sidewalk, or bidding you good morning, I would happily choose the former. Single-handedly, you have wrenched all meaning out of life. Congratulations. As I write this I try vainly to think of something, anything, which redeems in some small way your utterly pointless existence. The only thing that comes to mind is that you have taught me hate. Pure, unmitigated hate. I have had fantasies about attacking you with a machete, but I dare not. I once cut up a starfish, which was so neurologically simple that each piece grew into a clone of the original. Your coleopteron brain no doubt shares certain appalling similarities with such creatures. You, misguided as you are, might be asking yourself what you have done to deserve such a letter as this. Your misdeeds and villainous vampings can be described in just two words: you exist. And believe me, there is no reason on earth why you should. How do you justify to yourself waking up each morning and ruining yet another day? If everything in this world has some purpose, some grand plan behind its existence, then yours surely is to show everything else, whether it be a slops bucket in a fried chicken stand, or the gunk behind the fridge, how fortunate it is not to be you. I have tried, but clearly, I have failed. I must stand firm to the realisation that mere words cannot express my utmost and profound contempt and loathing for your person, your being and your existence. You are a blight against nature.

Brevity is wit.

 

[Calibanbutcher]

Found my standard response to something and/or someone which manages to truly provoke me on the internet.

Spoiler: warning, fully fledged rant inside

Why are you such an idiot? You jaundiced jumped up, vercordiously pusillanimous piffle. Your vileseome existence nauseates me beyond compare. It is politically correct when discussing your faults to use certain words to denote your humanness above your disability. But in your case, there is nothing human. You are just challenged, you are just different. Given a choice of stepping in something nasty on the sidewalk, or bidding you good morning, I would happily choose the former. Single-handedly, you have wrenched all meaning out of life. Congratulations. As I write this I try vainly to think of something, anything, which redeems in some small way your utterly pointless existence. The only thing that comes to mind is that you have taught me hate. Pure, unmitigated hate. I have had fantasies about attacking you with a machete, but I dare not. I once cut up a starfish, which was so neurologically simple that each piece grew into a clone of the original. Your coleopteron brain no doubt shares certain appalling similarities with such creatures. You, misguided as you are, might be asking yourself what you have done to deserve such a letter as this. Your misdeeds and villainous vampings can be described in just two words: you exist. And believe me, there is no reason on earth why you should. How do you justify to yourself waking up each morning and ruining yet another day? If everything in this world has some purpose, some grand plan behind its existence, then yours surely is to show everything else, whether it be a slops bucket in a fried chicken stand, or the gunk behind the fridge, how fortunate it is not to be you. I have tried, but clearly, I have failed. I must stand firm to the realisation that mere words cannot express my utmost and profound contempt and loathing for your person, your being and your existence. You are a blight against nature.

Brevity is wit.

What a witty response...

 

[Dethenger]

Random woman: "You need to cut your hair."
Me: "You're just jealous aren't you?"
Random woman: "...Well that's not the point"

That reminds me. A friend of mine once related to me the following anecdote:

I was walking through the mall with my friends and we were just talking about random shit when this lady out of nowhere says "Nigga, you need a haircut," and mid-sentence I turn to her and said "***** you need a diet" and just went back and kept talking like nothing happened.

I also remember one time some dude was getting in another one of my friend's face, and that friend, as the story goes, actually dropped a coherent insult that, with all the cuss words tossed in, took a minute or so to get through. The guy was apparently stunned and didn't reply.

 

[Epicspoon]

My only slightly witty insult is my response to random insults using the word gay.

"Being gay isn't a bad thing, so it's only an insult to me if you know I'm straight, or you're homophobic. Which one is it?"

For them, at best they have to admit their insult is defused. At worst, they have to insult themselves.

One time when I was called gay I deliberately admitted it (despite not actually being gay) by saying that the only way they would know that is if they had relations with me.

 

[ABLb0y]

It's funny, just yesterday in History we were talking about this...

Anyway:

"May you have a hundred houses, each with a hundred rooms, each with a hundred corners and may you be thrown from corner to corner."

"May you have a hundred relatives who give you nothing but socks for your birthday."

"May you live in interesting times."

"May your genitals fall off in your soup."

"Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of Elderberries."

"May the bluebird of happiness leave a surprise in your orange juice."

A cookie for anyone who gets where the last two are from.

 

[soes757]

"Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of Elderberries."

"May the bluebird of happiness leave a surprise in your orange juice."

A cookie for anyone who gets where the last two are from.

Monty Python and M.A.S.H
I demand my cookie

Anyway, I normally just ask people if it's a good idea to start talking shit to me, then I follow it up with a rant about how they have fewer brain cells than a dead squirrel.

 

[C F]

I never use direct insults, but I'm quite fond of this:

"If proper wit were at all like sex, then what you are attempting to utter is akin to masturbation. It's just as well though, because I'm fairly certain your brain cell gets awfully lonely in there."

 

[Lt._nefarious]

Okay while I may have lifted this insult from a film it was still witty and well timed. I'll play out the conversation using me and the guy I insulted whom I will Fagballs...

Fagballs: "Lawl, your mum is crazy. That makes you crazy too, I bet you'll never be a doctor."
Me: "Uh-Huh..."
Fagballs: "And Minie'll never go out with you cause you're fat, ugly and have stupid hair!"
Me: "Hmmm...."
Fagballs: "You're so pathetic. You're gonna fail your exams. Lawl."
Me: "Please, do shut up..."
Fagballs: "Oooo feisty one! You shouldn't speak like that."
Me: "Listen hear sputum breath, I refuse to take this from someone who is no doubt going to clean toilets for the rest of his natural life. Now if you'd kindly hush-down as your voice sounds like a castrated Micheal Jackson's."
Fagballs: "..."
Me: "Thank you very much commander U-bend...."

I hate Fagballs...

 

[Rayne870]

"If I wanted any lip from you I'd wiggle my zipper" Whenever my fiance gets uppity I do just that and she knows exactly what I mean.

"Hmm it's too bad you aren't good looking because you really can't go far with your limited intelligence"

"Ok so my beard looks stupid, but you are fat, ugly, and too stupid to know when to keep your mouth shut" That girl on the elevator walked out crying. I have no idea why she had to comment on my beard when we don't know each-other and never met before then but it ruined her day.

"I hear ignorance is bliss, you must be well on your way to third nirvana"

 

[Shaved Apple]

You aren't half the man your mother is.

 

[Tallim]

I don't really bother most of the time, not much to be gained from it and more often than not simply ignoring something irritates them more.

Although when/if I do feel the need to use an insult I have to go the Dr Cox route and commit, commit, commit! Why trade blows with an opponent when you can metaphorically nuke them from orbit with a rant of great length.

The bonus thing about rants is that onlookers only normally remember the golden parts and none of the sub-par stream of conciousness stuff that might crop up.

 

[Weresquirrel]

One I'm rather fond of, but never used is from an old movie whose name I can't remember.

"Shouldn't you be getting back to the fertiliser plant? I hear they're doing a stock take and they might notice a sack of shit is missing."