Confidence is Shaken

[Chase Yojimbo]

I have a question for the escapist. Lately my confidence has been severely shaken. My brother just told me he gave up with me and instead of being angry and doing something about it i get depressed and trudge around all day.

Sometimes i am to shy, and even than i am to sensitive, for as long as i remember i just was a sensitive boy in school. Instead of being angry, being a man, i would cry in a corner and wish it all away like a boy. I am going to College starting september, and i hope to get better after that, since i had a mental breakdown before i even graduated Highschool. Am i going the right path to have a clearer mind, or am i still a boy wishing everything away.

Insight in the Thread would be nice from everyone that reads, anything negative like 'shut up you little pussy' will not be allowed, this is a sensitive man/boy/thing asking for helpful Advice/Insight. Also i don't believe i ever done this type of confession for help on this scale.

 

[Czargent Sane]

not stirred
but seriously though, just believe in yourself, get a strong will, listen to this six or seven hundred times

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZSS5dEeMX64

 

[the_pleasure_is_mine]

not stirred

I lol'd slightly... still not very productive ¬_¬ bad.

OT: Confidence is finding something you love about yourself and then realising that makes you awesome.

Hey OP... you're awesome. Most people would never admit to a confidence breakdown.

 

[SextusMaximus]

Take up Buddhism, it's fantastic!

 

[Czargent Sane]

hey, I pressed post early by mistake, then edited!

 

[Phishfood]

I'm not the most confident person ever, but what I do do is just....well..get on with it. Its not a matter of not worrying about things, its more a matter of doing them anyway and keeping it in check. More often than not I've found worries are unfounded and every time I do it helps.

 

[Fusoiya]

Mate, you have a fresh start.
Make sure you don't show any fear or they'll eat you alive, also gain confidence.(do eet nau)

One of my motto's is, if you like a girl and you go to talk to her and she ignores you then she doesn't deserve your affection.

 

[SnootyEnglishman]

Find some calming music (I suggest some Nightwish) light some sandalwood incense and meditate. While reflecting search for something that makes you have confidence in yourself.

 

[dragonslayer32]

When you get to college, the majority of people will not know you, giving you a fresh start, which sounds like just the thing you need. college = friends, alcohol and parties, just try to have fun and be more confident.

 

[Irridium]

Dammit, if only Aylaine didn't leave for July. We need her here.

OT: Don't worry about it so much. Contrary to popular believe, there's nothing wrong with crying. A good cry every now and then is fine.

I was in the same situation as you, minus the college part since I doubt I'll ever go. But I can't really help you. I took the "deal with it" approach, which does not work for everyone.

I wish I could help you, I really do. But unfortunately I can't.

 

[Betancore]

At least you've realised that you need to get a grip and start developing some confidence, so you're definitely not wishing things away. However they're not going to go away by themselves. I don't remember who said this, but do one thing every day that scares you. Once you start to achieve in small ways, hopefully you will realise that you can achieve in bigger ways. Start small - build up your confidence by challenging yourself.

Accept failure and learn from your mistakes. Be passionate about things, find something you want to defend and fight for. You don't have to be angry, but you don't have to hide away and cry about things either. It's 4:40 in the morning and that's all I have to offer so far, so good luck. You're starting a new stage of your life, so reinvent yourself and be who you want to be.

 

[Spinozaad]

If you lack confidence, fake it.

That may sounds dumb, but give it a try. You can go a long way by simply bullshitting.

 

[Kpt._Rob]

Unfortunately, my general observation is that most of us don't really change our core personality traits, level of confidence included, unless we go through something seriously terrible. I kind of understand where you're coming from, I've never been the most confident person in the world myself, and while I have occassionally stood up for myself, for the most part I'm kind of a quiet pushover who sits in the corner waiting for someone to tell him what to do. Still, I don't think it's impossible for you to either change or find a niche into which you fit perfectly as you are.

I don't know if you're familiar with cognitive restructuring at all, but it's something that might help you if you want to try and become more confident. The basic idea of cognitive restructuring therapy is easy, and it's something that anyone can do. Therapists who use cognitive restructuring believe that the roots of our negative emotions (fear would be the case in a lack of confidence) is in the faulty assumptions that we make. That is that we assume that an event causes an emotion, when in actuality an event causes us to make an assumption on a pre-conscious level, which then causes the emotion. How cognitive restructuring works is to have us analyze our thoughts about an event, finding the faulty assumption, and correcting it. As time goes on, the process becomes natural, and it can lead to a change like more confidence.

An example of cognitive restructuring would look like this.

Event: I tripped and fell in the middle of the cafeteria
Feeling: I feel really embarassed
Assumption: People must have seen me trip and fall, now they think I'm stupid, clumsy, etc...

Now that the assumption has been identified we go back and ask is it a reasonable assumption? The truth is that it really isn't. We've all tripped before, anyone who acts like they haven't is just a douchebag trying to look cool. Not only that, but to assume that everyone saw us trip is also probably false. One near universal faucet of human psychology, is that we generally assume that more people are paying attention to us than actually are. Even if a few people saw my hypothetical trip, most of them didn't, and those that did probably didn't care.


This structure could be used to address confidence issues as well

Event: I want to talk to that girl
Feeling: I feel too nervous to talk to that girl
Assumption: That girl probably doesn't think that I'm cool, she'll turn me down and it'll be really embarassing.

Again, we analyze the asumption, and while it could be true, it's probably not. If the girl has never met you before (and if you're going to college there are going to be a lot of girls who have never met you before) she probably hasn't made a judgement about you yet, and if you speak confidently to her she's unlikely to judge you harshly (strike that, even if you talk to her and you're so nervous you're visibly shaking, she probably won't judge you harshly as long as you don't act like a total dick). And even if she does turn you down, it's not the world ending thing it feels like. Hell, if you're on a big college campus like mine, there's a good chance that you'll never even meet her again.


So, feel free to take my cognitive restructuring advice or leave it. It seems to work for a lot of people, but there are no universals in psychology, and even if it does work for you, it will still take time, work, and patients. Either way, don't give up. Things went way down hill for me when I gave up during my second year of college, I thought I'd hit rock bottom, got addicted to drugs, and found out that I had a lot more to lose than I ever realized. I'm one of the lucky ones, in that I managed to get clean, but not everyone does. So, keep your chin up and keep trying. The world is full of good and bad, but if you look hard enough you can find the beauty in it.

 

[Chase Yojimbo]

Thank you everyone, its lifts some weight knowing that some people give a damn in this world.

Pause.....You gotta say no Homo....Sorry i watched the boondocks and they do that perfectly lol.

OT: Do what i did. Get a sense of Apathy and lose all care for existence in this world. Its hard to cope with though. Once you take up not caring about anything you might have thoughts of death lol. Maybe you could put all your emotion into something like Music?

You are right, i do need to find an outlet for my depression, maybe i will continue with my books again, or maybe continue with my philosophy *also implemented into book*.

hey, I pressed post early by mistake, then edited!

I am sorry, i do not know who put the probation on you, though at first it did sound a little mean.

When you get to college, the majority of people will not know you, giving you a fresh start, which sounds like just the thing you need. college = friends, alcohol and parties, just try to have fun and be more confident.

Actually a few people will know me, since the college is in my hometown, i may run into people here and there. Atleast im starting somewhere, right?

At least you've realised that you need to get a grip and start developing some confidence, so you're definitely not wishing things away. However they're not going to go away by themselves. I don't remember who said this, but do one thing every day that scares you. Once you start to achieve in small ways, hopefully you will realise that you can achieve in bigger ways. Start small - build up your confidence by challenging yourself.

Accept failure and learn from your mistakes. Be passionate about things, find something you want to defend and fight for. You don't have to be angry, but you don't have to hide away and cry about things either. It's 4:40 in the morning and that's all I have to offer so far, so good luck. You're starting a new stage of your life, so reinvent yourself and be who you want to be.

Going down the route of 'no ones perfect'... That has been bothering me for to many years, since i was a kid. Always was the loner of the school, oddly enough also the largest person in the school. I will need to implement this insight into my personal references...

 

[dragonslayer32]

Thank you everyone, its lifts some weight knowing that some people give a damn in this world.

Pause.....You gotta say no Homo....Sorry i watched the boondocks and they do that perfectly lol.

OT: Do what i did. Get a sense of Apathy and lose all care for existence in this world. Its hard to cope with though. Once you take up not caring about anything you might have thoughts of death lol. Maybe you could put all your emotion into something like Music?

You are right, i do need to find an outlet for my depression, maybe i will continue with my books again, or maybe continue with my philosophy *also implemented into book*.

hey, I pressed post early by mistake, then edited!

I am sorry, i do not know who put the probation on you, though at first it did sound a little mean.

When you get to college, the majority of people will not know you, giving you a fresh start, which sounds like just the thing you need. college = friends, alcohol and parties, just try to have fun and be more confident.

Actually a few people will know me, since the college is in my hometown, i may run into people here and there. Atleast im starting somewhere, right?

At least you've realised that you need to get a grip and start developing some confidence, so you're definitely not wishing things away. However they're not going to go away by themselves. I don't remember who said this, but do one thing every day that scares you. Once you start to achieve in small ways, hopefully you will realise that you can achieve in bigger ways. Start small - build up your confidence by challenging yourself.

Accept failure and learn from your mistakes. Be passionate about things, find something you want to defend and fight for. You don't have to be angry, but you don't have to hide away and cry about things either. It's 4:40 in the morning and that's all I have to offer so far, so good luck. You're starting a new stage of your life, so reinvent yourself and be who you want to be.

Going down the route of 'no ones perfect'... That has been bothering me for to many years, since i was a kid. Always was the loner of the school, oddly enough also the largest person in the school. I will need to implement this insight into my personal references...

True, you are starting somewhere and good on you. Besides, there is nothing wrong with being sensitive, it makes you, erm... you. Just try to enjoy college as much as possible. You meet people there that you will remain in contact with for life, just try to be optimistic.

 

[Chase Yojimbo]

Unfortunately, my general observation is that most of us don't really change our core personality traits, level of confidence included, unless we go through something seriously terrible. I kind of understand where you're coming from, I've never been the most confident person in the world myself, and while I have occassionally stood up for myself, for the most part I'm kind of a quiet pushover who sits in the corner waiting for someone to tell him what to do. Still, I don't think it's impossible for you to either change or find a niche into which you fit perfectly as you are.

I don't know if you're familiar with cognitive restructuring at all, but it's something that might help you if you want to try and become more confident. The basic idea of cognitive restructuring therapy is easy, and it's something that anyone can do. Therapists who use cognitive restructuring believe that the roots of our negative emotions (fear would be the case in a lack of confidence) is in the faulty assumptions that we make. That is that we assume that an event causes an emotion, when in actuality an event causes us to make an assumption on a pre-conscious level, which then causes the emotion. How cognitive restructuring works is to have us analyze our thoughts about an event, finding the faulty assumption, and correcting it. As time goes on, the process becomes natural, and it can lead to a change like more confidence.

An example of cognitive restructuring would look like this.

Event: I tripped and fell in the middle of the cafeteria
Feeling: I feel really embarassed
Assumption: People must have seen me trip and fall, now they think I'm stupid, clumsy, etc...

Now that the assumption has been identified we go back and ask is it a reasonable assumption? The truth is that it really isn't. We've all tripped before, anyone who acts like they haven't is just a douchebag trying to look cool. Not only that, but to assume that everyone saw us trip is also probably false. One near universal faucet of human psychology, is that we generally assume that more people are paying attention to us than actually are. Even if a few people saw my hypothetical trip, most of them didn't, and those that did probably didn't care.


This structure could be used to address confidence issues as well

Event: I want to talk to that girl
Feeling: I feel too nervous to talk to that girl
Assumption: That girl probably doesn't think that I'm cool, she'll turn me down and it'll be really embarassing.

Again, we analyze the asumption, and while it could be true, it's probably not. If the girl has never met you before (and if you're going to college there are going to be a lot of girls who have never met you before) she probably hasn't made a judgement about you yet, and if you speak confidently to her she's unlikely to judge you harshly (strike that, even if you talk to her and you're so nervous you're visibly shaking, she probably won't judge you harshly as long as you don't act like a total dick). And even if she does turn you down, it's not the world ending thing it feels like. Hell, if you're on a big college campus like mine, there's a good chance that you'll never even meet her again.


So, feel free to take my cognitive restructuring advice or leave it. It seems to work for a lot of people, but there are no universals in psychology, and even if it does work for you, it will still take time, work, and patients. Either way, don't give up. Things went way down hill for me when I gave up during my second year of college, I thought I'd hit rock bottom, got addicted to drugs, and found out that I had a lot more to lose than I ever realized. I'm one of the lucky ones, in that I managed to get clean, but not everyone does. So, keep your chin up and keep trying. The world is full of good and bad, but if you look hard enough you can find the beauty in it.

Truthfully this is the best advice i ever recieved, people have told me not to be paranoid about feeling, but never told me to correct it in this manner... Maybe i wasn't a total loser in Elementary and Highschool, because of my paranoia and faulty assumptions, i spiraled in a never ending whirlpool of self doubt and thus enabled my whole understanding of myself and created myself as my worst enemy. The past can never change, but maybe this new view can help me forget it once and for all, instead of forcefully regretting every step i took since birth.

 

[Latinidiot]

Listen up, boyo. 'Growing balls' doesn't happen overnight. It's something you grow into. when you enter the building remember this: Nothing can harm you. no one can harm you, if you don't give them the chance. I don't expect you to be a Clint Eastwood here, but if you give them reason to pick on you, they will. The bully is a simple, sad creature, instinctively drawn to his prey by a few common 'signs of weakness'. Therefore, you must not show those weaknesses to them. they are easily outsmarted. But don't exaggerate. Whatever you think looks stupid or embarrasing, isn't that important to the people around you.
Good luck with your College, and if you feel this information is false, feel free to completely ignore it.

 

[Chase Yojimbo]

Listen up, boyo. 'Growing balls' doesn't happen overnight. It's something you grow into. when you enter the building remember this: Nothing can harm you. no one can harm you, if you don't give them the chance. I don't expect you to be a Clint Eastwood here, but if you give them reason to pick on you, they will. The bully is a simple, sad creature, instinctively drawn to his prey by a few common 'signs of weakness'. they are easily outsmarted. Good luck with your College, and if you feel this information is false, feel free to completely ignore it.

Bully's have always feared me, even when i was at my worst depression. It helps sometimes to be over 300 pounds and 6'3'', as well as a shoulder width of around 2 feet and a arms width of a tree trunk.

 

[Latinidiot]

Listen up, boyo. 'Growing balls' doesn't happen overnight. It's something you grow into. when you enter the building remember this: Nothing can harm you. no one can harm you, if you don't give them the chance. I don't expect you to be a Clint Eastwood here, but if you give them reason to pick on you, they will. The bully is a simple, sad creature, instinctively drawn to his prey by a few common 'signs of weakness'. they are easily outsmarted. Good luck with your College, and if you feel this information is false, feel free to completely ignore it.

Bully's have always feared me, even when i was at my worst depression. It helps sometimes to be over 300 pounds and 6'3'', as well as a shoulder width of around 2 feet and a arms width of a tree trunk.

I see. Well then, forget what I said.

 

[DSK-]

I used to have a massive deficit of confidence when I was younger and that didn't change until I was about 16 (thought even then it was still bad). I used to be afraid of pretty much everything, and it wasn't until I made a self realisation that "Whatever happens, happens - If I am caught in a situation of some kind I will deal with it or I will fail to". That might sound harsh, but it's actually a massive motivator.

Another key point is understanding yourself - who you are and what you think about, how you act. Everything. Knowing yourself and realising that the greatest enemy you will ever face in the world is in fact, you (doubt, fear and the like).

Physical exercise and going to the gym really boosts my confidence levels. Having a good workout makes me feel good about myself and that I've done something useful and beneficial with my time. You'd be surprised how much you gain when you go to the gym.

These points might not mean anything to you nor might they help you in anyway - so the only thing I can suggest is just be yourself. I know from experience that pretending to be something I am not doesn't work at all.