Darkly funny quotes

[Sirron Kcuch]

"So yeah, the other day, my sister was all like..."
"Is she hot?"
"Dude, she's 10"
"I'll repeat: Is she hot?"

I had to punch my friend that day. He knew he deserved it.

 

[Luke3184]

God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of his own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players, to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time. - Good Omens

An education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on. - Hogfather

'You all know about the Darwin Awards -- It's an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him while he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.' - Anonymous


The greatest lies of all time:
I love you
This won't hurt a bit
The cheque's in the mail
I was just going to call you
I swear I won't come in your mouth
Of course I'll respect you in the morning
We have a really challenging assignment for you
I'm from the government, and I'm here to help you
- Anonymous

The quickest way to a man's heart is not through the stomach but through his chest, with an axe. - Anonymous

PHILOSOPHY: A study that lets us be unhappy more intelligently. -Anonymous

 

[Bestival]

"An artist is someone who makes useless things." - random picture on the internet. (So you know its true.)

 

[TheRookie8]

And when Bob lost his job, his home, his wealth and his family, he crashed to his knees and cried out to the Heavens:

"Why, God? Why me?!"

And God answered:

"I dunno...I just don't like you that much."

 

[TheRookie8]

Some Stephen King quotes:

"Get busy living, or get busy dying."

"God is cruel. Sometimes he makes you live."

?People think that I must be a very strange person. This is not correct. I have the heart of a small boy. It is in a glass jar on my desk.?

 

[krodux]

"If you don't want to die for your country, make the other dumb bastard die for his" -Gen. George S. Patton

 

[TheRookie8]

Some Jim Butcher quotes:

"EASTER HAS BEEN CANCELLED-THEY FOUND THE BODY."

?Laugh whenever you can. Keeps you from killing yourself when things are bad. That and vodka.?

"?Are you always a smartass?'
Nope. Sometimes I'm asleep.?

?Life is a journey. Time is a river. The door is ajar?

?I had to smile at the man. I mean, you have to smile at idiots and children.?

?Of course Evil's afoot. If it had switched to the metric system it'd be up to a meter by now. ?

?You're in America now," I said. "Our idea of diplomacy is showing up with a gun in one hand and a sandwich in the other and asking which you'd prefer.?

?I died. I died and someone made a clerical error and I am in Heaven.?

?Sleep is God. Go worship.?

?If I need you I'll give you a signal.'
What signal?"
I'll imitate the scream of a terrified little girl?

?You rush a miracle worker, you get lousy miracles!?

 

[Piflik]

Neverwinter Nights2:

"Well...look what we have here...future corpses."
"Look at them, little ducks...all in a row."

Not dark, but funny as hell...and true:

"All we need is a voluntary, free-spirited, open-ended program of procreative racial deconstruction. Everybody just gotta keep fuckin' everybody 'til they're all the same color."

 

[Piflik]

More:

"I hate ??ing wizards!"
"You shouldn't ?? them, then".


"Society is, always has been and always will be a structure for the exploitation and oppression of the majority through systems of political force dictated by an elite, enforced by thugs, uniformed or not, and upheld by a willful ignorance and stupidity on the part of the very majority whom the system oppresses"


"Bob loses saving throw versus shiny at -5 penalty, takes 3d8 damage to the credit card."


I start swearing: not my usual "shit-fuck-piss-****-bugger" litany, but really rude words.


?My dear girl, in Culture history alone it has been about nine thousand years since a human, marvellous though they are in so many other ways, could do anything useful in a serious, big-guns space battle other than admire the pretty explosions ? or in some cases contribute to them.?
?Contribute??
?Chemicals; colours. You know.?

 

[RADIALTHRONE1]

First time playing Dead Island (literally 1 minute in) i walk into a room with 2 dead bodies and a fire axe on the floor, and my guy says "Dont want to pass up anything useful". It wont let me pick up the fire axe.

 

[teebeeohh]

Some Jim Butcher quotes:

"EASTER HAS BEEN CANCELLED-THEY FOUND THE BODY."

?Laugh whenever you can. Keeps you from killing yourself when things are bad. That and vodka.?

"?Are you always a smartass?'
Nope. Sometimes I'm asleep.?

?Life is a journey. Time is a river. The door is ajar?

?I had to smile at the man. I mean, you have to smile at idiots and children.?

?Of course Evil's afoot. If it had switched to the metric system it'd be up to a meter by now. ?

?You're in America now," I said. "Our idea of diplomacy is showing up with a gun in one hand and a sandwich in the other and asking which you'd prefer.?

?I died. I died and someone made a clerical error and I am in Heaven.?

?Sleep is God. Go worship.?

?If I need you I'll give you a signal.'
What signal?"
I'll imitate the scream of a terrified little girl?

?You rush a miracle worker, you get lousy miracles!?

"In the action business, when you don't want to say you ran like a mouse, you call it 'taking cover.' It's more heroic."

"I wouldn't burden any decent system of faith by participating in it."

"My faith keeps me save. That and Kevlar"

this one i am paraphrasing "i don't set building on fire, they just have a tendency to blow up when i'm around."

 

[Karelwolfpup]

Remember, you can't spell Toasted Deli Sandwich without the letters S, T and D - fairly sure this was me XDD Yeah, i worked in a McDonalds... so what of it?

Everyone's always in favour of saving Hitler's brain, oh, but put that brain in the body of a Great White Shark and suddenly you've gone too far - Hubert Farnsworth, loveable, doddering mad scientist.

 

[rob_simple]

Any word ever uttered by Malcolm Tucker from the tv series The Thick of it. For example, this is Tuckers law:

"If some **** can fuck something up, that **** will pick the worst possible time to fucking fuck it up cause that ****'s a ****."

Now i've reread your post, I see you put 'hint' of dark not napalm the shit outta it.

Yeah gotta add some more;

"I'll be there in two shakes of a crying baby."

"He's about as much use as a marzipan dildo."

"All these hands all over the place! You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra. It was like watching John Leslie at work."

Let's not forget his partner in crime, Jamie:

'No offense, but you're about as secure as a hymen in a South London comprehensive.'

'You take the piss out of Jolson again, and I will remove your iPod from its tiny nano sheath and push it up your cock. Then I'll plug some speakers up your arse and put it on shuffle with my fucking fist. And every time I hear something that I don't like, which will be every time that something comes on, I will skip to the next track by crushing your balls.'

 

[Ignatz_Zwakh]

"Well surrender my loins to a shark-toothed fellatrix!!!"

One of my favorite quotes from "The Dead Trilogy", this series of post-cyberpunk books. They're pretty spicy...and moist.

 

[thebobmaster_v1legacy]

Three of them, all of the last words of real-life criminals before their executions.

"Well, gentlemen, you are about to see a baked Appel."- George Appel, gangster, prior to being executed via electric chair

"Hey boys, how's about headline for tomorrow's paper? 'French Fries!"- James French, murder, prior to execution via electric chair

"I'd like to thank my family for loving me and taking care of me. And the rest of the world can kiss my ass, because I'm innocent."- Johnny Frank Garrett, accused murderer, executed via lethal injection

Of course, that last one is only funny if he was guilty.

 

[Piflik]

I am a tactless minstrel,
I sing off-key for coins.
If you see me in the streets,
Please kick me in the loins.

 

[Athol]

I've seen this in print before, but the first time I heard it was from a co-worker several yers ago.

"I still miss my ex...I keep forgeting to adjust the rifles sights."

 

[omega 616]

snip

I made the following up, as far as I know.

"choosing to vote is like choosing who to get raped by ... either way your going to get fucked and you're not going to like it."

I came up with that when I was 17, if somebody said it before me I still don't know about them.

I also like House quotes for this reason, the only one that springs to mind is "I am only Christian on Christmas and Easter, the rest of the time it doesn't matter"

 

[dangoball]

Man, some of those quotes you guys post are pure gold! Guess I'll have to add something to it...

"You would shoot an unarmed person in the back?"
"Of course I would! Too bad he's awake."
- Lister and Rimmer from The Red Dwarf

"Iron Emperor, do you copy? Infiltration complete, Sacrificial Lamb over."
- Kryton reporting to Rimmer (The Red Dwarf)

And now that I think about it, there are several things life does we are very ungrateful for:
It sucks (and sometimes quite hard).
It blows.
It even fucks with us.
Now imagine "Life" as someone with a set of tits and a vagina. What's there to complain about?

 

[VladG]

"Human beings mostly aren't evil. They just get carried away by new ideas, like dressing up in jackboots and shooting people, or dressing up in white sheets and lynching people, or dressing up in tie-dye jeans and playing guitars at people"

Yes, Pratchett is going to be quoted a lot...

Actually, what the hell... gonna go all out Pratchett on this:

"I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it"

"An education is a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It makes you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you have the urge to pass it on.

"What our ancestors would really be thinking, if they were alive today, is: "Why is it so dark in here?"

"Gods don't like people not doing much work. People who aren't busy all the time might start to think."

"We are trying to unravel the Mighty Infinite using a language which was designed to tell one another where the fresh fruit was."