Ditching someone who friend zones you (Edited)

[Vivi22]

I'm in the back away camp. At least for a while. When you reduce/cut your contact, you're going to have an easier time moving on from those feelings, and it will happen faster honestly.

Ironically though, I've seen more than a few women misconstrue people doing this as cutting off contact once they know they'll never get to fuck them. Because apparently men can't have feelings which they struggle with. But if someone actually behaves that way then they're an asshole and you probably dodged a bullet.

 

[Lieju]

In general, it's a problem if people want completely different things from a relationship.

But even if there is one-sided romantic interest, it's possible to be friends, but not if you're trying to make it something the other party doesn't want to have.

Of course that happens. This isn't the 19th Century, women don't just sit around passively waiting to catch the eye of men anymore. So why is the scorn reserved for unsuccessful male suitors exclusively?

I think it's the term 'friendzone' and 'friendzoning' people assosiate with men and boys complaining about how girls they're nice to don't want to have sex with them.

In general I think the responses in this thread would be different if the OP phrased it as 'unrequited love'.
"What if you fell in love with your friend and they didn't want a relationship?"
or
"What if you wanted a relationship with someone and they only wanted to be friends?"
Instead of
"Should you ditch someone who friendzoned you?"

 

[MeTalHeD]

I would personally recommend to just break off contact. It will just make you bitter and frustrated in the end, unless you find someone else first. I've never been 'friendzoned' b/c when I find out a girl isn't interested I simply move on. Also when your interested in being more than friends, make it known early instead of letting it shimmer. I don't think 'platonic' friendship is possible when one is romantically interested and the other one isn't. Unless you want to put yourself through a whole lot of hurt, and why would you want to do that?

Similarly I had a...affaire for over 5 years with a girl I was really in love with(when you don't really 'have' someone it makes it that much more intense for some reason). We met every other week or so and everytime she declined letting this evolve into a serious relationship I decided to no longer see her. Ofcourse, like a fool I couldn't stop pursuing her and felt ecstatic everytime she contacted me. Then one day out of the blue she send me a short lousy email that she had ''found someone'' and that we could no longer see eachother.

Now, it might not be the most 'politically correct' thing to say but it just fucking pissed me off I wasn't that 'someone'. Made me fucking rage(eventhough she never gave me any false expectations). Espescially since I was good enough to pay for her rent, living expenses, studies etc. when she didn't have a job(again, something she never explicitly asked for). Deep down I knew my hope of us having a future together would eventually be in vain..but she was hot beyond belief and I just couldn't resist. When someone is in it just for fun you keep looking for scraps of hope that just..really aren't there.

Moral of the story is and that I unfortunately found out the hard way: when you have feelings for someone and they don't exclusively choose for you(or reciprocate at all obviously), just run away. Preferably as fast as you can.

Exactly. Don't invest emotionally in someone who doesn't have your best interests at heart. I know you didn't deserve what happened, because it sucks, but be very careful with who you trust. Be as careful with your emotional investments as you are with your financial ones (assuming you aren't wasting your cash on women of ill repute and good times ). In these cases we're hoping against hope that they see what we're worth and we're then shattered when it turns out they're not interested in us.

They were never interested from the get-go. Our determination by paying rent, bailing them out during a tough time or even just being the "go to guy" (or girl) when they need a shoulder to cry on returns a big fat 0. As previous posters have said, move on. Also, to the ones talking about being friends to get laid, OP wasn't talking about that. He was talking about having feelings for someone then being friendzoned. That isn't being deceptive like being friends to get laid.

At times it can seem unfair. The more attractive people get who and what they want more easily and we feel used when they don't respond to our emotional investment. It doesn't work that way, sadly. The men or women who don't return your feelings don't owe you anything. If you're hoping for him or her to see your worth some day, it's not going to happen. It might if you're that lucky 1 in a 1000 person who does move from friendzone to relationship, but the emotional gamble isn't worth it. You become drained and you're an emotional wreck. The hard part is accepting that you did this to yourself. You knew better but you ignored the signs.

Maybe it's Hollywood and popular culture telling us that by being really nice or sweet to someone they will fall for us. Maybe we're taught from a young age that submitting emotionally to someone is what wins them over. The reality is that most people do not have your best interests at heart. No matter how hot she is, if she isn't going to be there for you when you're hurting, but expects you to be there when she is, then you're the loser in the equation. Move on. I also suspect we have been conditioned to think attractive means trustworthy (judging books by their covers...I blame Disney), so when it doesn't work out we're confused.

A good way to test if someone is worth the effort is to think of all the people who would bail you out when you're in a desperate situation. If you're not getting that feeling from the person you have feelings for, then run - don't walk - the other way. Also, a friend wouldn't want you to suffer emotionally by not being able to enjoy a relationship with them but having to watch them be with other people. It's like telling a hungry man he can't have any of your pie, just the flakes from the crust, but they get to eat his. They get the benefits of eating from both pies (self love plus your adoration) and you become a loyal servant who seems happy with the scraps, but they never commit to more. Be wary of people who want the benefits without the responsibilities. In other words, stop trying to eat pie from the wrong people.

A person who loves you will gladly share their pie with you and offer you more than you can eat.

...


I think I know what I'm going to have for lunch now.

 

[Lightknight]

Ok knowing this will likely end up causing a shit storm but I really do want to hear others thoughts. Ok I?ve seen before some say that ditching someone after you find out they don?t want to have relationship with you is for the best since it will end up just making you bitter. Others say that you should stick it and let the feeling go away since you?ll still have a friend afterwards.
So how do you feel about this?

Well, don't be mad about it and you won't get bitter about it. Not every fish is going to take the hook and you don't throw your rod in the ocean just because one fish had the audacity (sarcasm) to not bite at the bait.

It's far less healthy to stick around someone that you are still very much attracted to but who isn't interested in you. Don't be self-righteous or a dick about it because no one is obligated to love you except your family, but at least fade away that friendship and continue on the search for the right person.

The people telling you to "let that feeling go away" are probably girls who friendzone people. It's laughable to tell someone to stop being attracted to certain people. It's like telling a chubby kid not to love cake. You can take cake away, try to replace it with rice cake, or any variety of things, but when the kid gets more cake he's still going to love it. The heart wants what the heart wants, no?

 

[Vault101]

[quote/]They were never interested from the get-go. Our determination by paying rent, bailing them out during a tough time or even just being the "go to guy" (or girl) when they need a shoulder to cry on returns a big fat 0.[/quote]
you shouldn't think of freindships (actual freindships) in numerical terms like that

If you're hoping for him or her to see your worth some day, it's not going to happen. It might if you're that lucky 1 in a 1000 person who does move from friendzone to relationship, but the emotional gamble isn't worth it.

"seeing your worth" has absolutely NOTHING to do with anything, if they don't wanna go out with you then they don't wanna go out with you, it doesn't matter why (or maby it does if its a chance for self improvment)

The people telling you to "let that feeling go away" are probably girls who friendzone people.

I have a small issue with the language here "girls who freindzone people" like their the ones activly doing it on [i/]purpose[/i]

 

[Naeras]

Do you think you can realistically get over this person and actually be just friends? If yes, you've gotten an additional friend. If no, then keeping her as a friend is going to be really tough. There's nothing wrong with just letting her go then.

Also, could you do me a favor? Please don't say "I got friendzoned" the next time a girl isn't interested in you romantically and turns you down. Say that you got turned down instead. It doesn't place the blame on the girl this way, and you sound way less bitter that way.

 

[Lightknight]

I have a small issue with the language here "girls who freindzone people" like their the ones activly doing it on [i/]purpose[/i]

Doing it on purpose or not doing it on purpose is irrelevant. Doing it on purpose would imply that the person actually likes them but decides to friendzone anyways (does happen for all kinds of silly reasons but not typical). You can have an issue with the language but it (the friendzoning) still happens and these are typically the people who think the other person should just get over their feelings when that may very well be out of their control.

As I stated in the same post. They aren't obligated to love anyone and aren't doing anything wrong by not "falling deeply in love" with the guy. But yes, people saying to get over your feelings are people who do the friendzoning, not people who get friendzoned.

Stopping those feelings is not that different from demanding that the other person start having those feelings, correct? Both are just as ridiculous to demand of a person.

So any hint of apparent disdain in my statement is towards people making that kind of demand, not that a person friendzoned someone.

What's funny is I've never been friendzoned but I understand exactly what's going on there. Why so many girls seem incapable of getting why a guy can't just wave away his feelings seems silly to me when girls are supposed to be the ones that have trouble with emotions themselves.

 

[krazykidd]

Just the fact that a person think they have been friendzone means that they had feelings for someone that doesnt feel the same way. Cut your losses i say.

 

[MeTalHeD]

[quote/]They were never interested from the get-go. Our determination by paying rent, bailing them out during a tough time or even just being the "go to guy" (or girl) when they need a shoulder to cry on returns a big fat 0.

you shouldn't think of freindships (actual freindships) in numerical terms like that

If you're hoping for him or her to see your worth some day, it's not going to happen. It might if you're that lucky 1 in a 1000 person who does move from friendzone to relationship, but the emotional gamble isn't worth it.

"seeing your worth" has absolutely NOTHING to do with anything, if they don't wanna go out with you then they don't wanna go out with you, it doesn't matter why (or maby it does if its a chance for self improvment)[/quote]

I meant if they saw any emotional value in a relationship with you. That's the worth. For example, you're probably not going to get the same emotional value from dating someone with the emotional intelligence of a 10 year old, vs that of someone who is emotionally more mature. It still doesn't stop people from getting involved with people who aren't emotionally mature, but they realise at some point it's a good idea to be with someone who is more mature, or at their own maturity level. Someone who sees your worth is able to appreciate you far more than someone who doesn't. Everyone has a reason why they date someone. Ask them to list why they wanted person X and you will find a list of things they value: she's considerate, he is smart, she is loyal, he makes killer pie. No one just doesn't "wana go out with you" or anyone. There's a reason they say yes or no.

I don't think he felt she recognised the fact that he gave all he did and she didn't find enough value in him or his dedication to consider a romantic relationship. Sure she didn't want to date him, but there's a reason why. This comes down to how much value the person will get from a relationship with another person. If they don't want anything more than sex, it means they don't see any emotional value coming from investing in this emotionally, but there's enough sexual value to be had. No one just doesn't want to date someone without SOME reason. It could even be that they aren't ready for a relationship, but in this instance they just didn't want more than sex. He broke his back for her, she found someone else so clearly he wasn't worth more than sex to her. If he was (to her) she would have wanted more than sex. He felt ripped off hence his anger. If someone cons you out of your cash for a bad product, the greater the investment, the angrier you will get and the greater the damage. Both lead to emotional pain. He knew this was coming, he tried to stop it. He failed. He was heart broken when she told him she found someone else.

I drew a comparison between money and emotional investment to show that people are quick to be safe with their money, but not so with their emotions. It is a good idea to consider what you are going to get out of the relationship based on what you put in. If you're angry because someone isn't giving back what you're giving them, then either don't over-invest or walk away. They don't owe you anything and they choose what involvement they have in your life. There is a clear difference between someone who is willing to bail you out when you're in trouble and someone who hangs around because you've got money, throw parties or have access to inebriates. It's why the idiom "when times are tough, friends are few" is accurate. A true friend isn't there just there for a good time. A true friend values you and places value on the friendship. It's why sometimes people don't want to ruin a friendship by dating (assuming it is mutual) because they wouldn't want to lose what they have invested in if it goes south.

While you are right that it is difficult to put a numerical value on friendship and relationships, there are nevertheless investments we make that determine how we view our relationships with people, whether they are acquaintances, friends or lovers and everything inbetween. A number (the big fat 0) was to show how little he got after what he put in. Sure he got laid, but did he get the relationship he wanted? He got little for what he put in so it may as well have been nothing.

 

[StarStruckStrumpets]

Next her and move on.

You didn't generate attraction (which may or may not have been your fault), and the interest isn't reciprocated. Far better to cut ties. Phase her out though, don't just go no contact. It'll be perceived that the friendship ran its course and fizzled out rather than you being a knee-jerking dipshit who couldn't handle rejection.

 

[BeerTent]

Personally, I think by wearing that fedora, and not having any basic knowledge of grooming are a prerequisite of using the term "Friendzoned."

You're gonna get "Friendzoned" a lot. There's still hope for you once you reach true maturity and adulthood. Only once you climb the mountain of self-worth. Slay the dragon of Empathy, and obtain the scroll of The Social Contract, will you get your woman.

Or you can pay me 59.95, and cheat your way through that with Tent's Patented "Man-Tek Shock Collar." You'll be flooded with bitches, because they know that it'll send a violent 15000 volt shock through you every time you think or say, or type the term "Friendzoned." You'll be a man in less than a week, or your money back![footnote]Either that, or you'll be dead. Whatever, it's in the waiver and I got my cash.[/footnote]

Fuck, people are actually taking this seriously. That means I have to put something out there. Fiiiiine.

I got rejected once. It hurt. I still care about her a lot to this day. And despite my pea-sized alcohol fulled retard collage brain, I stuck with her even after she said no. I cracked a lot of the worst kind of jokes, wrong and uncomfortable, but she saw in me that I could be an amazing friend. So, we kept in contact. Because even though I was an idiot, she knew that I could grow up to be a good person.

She was right. I grew up pretty fucking fast because of her. We played games together with her brother, (I met her through her brother.) we lived together, and we talked each-other through some pretty rough problems. Her and her brother are probably my closest friends. And to have her out of the equation? Just wouldn't be the same. Do I still love her? Shure. Does it suck I can't take her out on a cute date? A bit.

But I value her as a wonderful person. She helped me evolve as a human being myself.

Stick with this girl, because she sees it within you that you can become a decent human being. Do Not, prove her wrong.

 

[Canadamus Prime]

I would say that if you really care about the person then you wouldn't turn your back on them just because they don't want the same kind of relationship you do, but then I don't claim to know anything about it.

 

[Lightknight]

Stick with this girl, because she sees it within you that you can become a decent human being. Do Not, prove her wrong.

You're placing a bit too much faith in people in general. Just because a girl friendzones someone doesn't mean that "she believes in you, that you can become a better man!". Frankly speaking, it typically means the opposite.

Good that you found a nice honest friend who pushed you to be a better man. Fantastic that you're good enough yourself to use that as an opportunity to grow. But experiences may vary.

I'd say anyone needs to evaluate the cost/benefits of their relationships before making a decision to cut it off or maintain it. I've had girlfriends who brought virtually nothing to the relationship and should have been dropped well before I did. If there's anything I learned it's that healthy relationships are two way streets. If the girl doesn't love you back but does contribute to the relationship, then perhaps the friendship is worth salvaging. The answer isn't to stop having feelings for her, like BeerTent here said, because you don't have control over that, but accepting the relationship isn't going to happen and that you should look elsewhere for that kind of love is. Regardless of maintaining a friendship or not.

 

[mecegirl]

The people telling you to "let that feeling go away" are probably girls who friendzone people.

I have a small issue with the language here "girls who freindzone people" like their the ones activly doing it on [i/]purpose[/i]

That right there is the reason why people react so strongly to the term friendzone. Because it puts blame on another person as if wanting to like someone is a conscious choice. You either like a person romantically or you don't.

To the op.

It depends on if the friendship started as an actual friendship. Sometimes you meet a cool person,become their friend, and then develop feelings for them. In the case of rejection, what is really going on is just unrequited love, not "friendzoning". And the strength of your feelings will determine if you should break the friendship off permanently, take a break, or carry on.

But if it someone creates a friendship with someone who they are interested romantically, then they run the risk of hurting themselves. It's better to just ask a person out instead of playing at friends. Now if a legitimate friendship happens to come out of that arrangement, stick around. But if not it would be better for both parties if you just leave.

 

[geK0]

Personally, I've never really had an issue maintaining friendships with people I've had strong feelings towards nor with people who had strong feelings toward myself. I've never really thought it made sense to be bitter towards somebody for just not 'feeling it'.Obviously there will be that awkward phase for a little while after the rejection, but if you're both mature about it that passes.

I should point out though, that I don't typically pursue relationships with people I don't already know at least a little bit, I can imagine it would be harder to be friends with somebody you hooked up with shortly after meeting (which is what so many people tell me I SHOULD be doing : \). I am on good terms with all but one of my exes though, and the one I'm not on good terms with is the one that I met using a social phone app that I don't feel like sharing the name of >...>

 

[Lieju]

He felt ripped off hence his anger. If someone cons you out of your cash for a bad product, the greater the investment, the angrier you will get and the greater the damage. Both lead to emotional pain.

Exept that according to him, she never gave him any false hope or asked for any of those things and always told him she didn't want that kind of relationship with him.

If someone cons you, they are deceiving you, if someone tells you they are interested in a romantical relationship but actually has no intention of returning those feelings or letting the relationship change, then it would be similar.
Or if indeed you think someone is offering you friendship but in fact just is hoping they get to have sex with you or be in a romantic relationship.

Giving gifts to someone, or helping them, or being nice to them doesn't mean they are oblicated to have sex with you or become your boyfriend or a wife or even a friend.

Getting mad over it is like getting mad that throwing money at someone didn't make them give their car to you.

 

[Lightknight]

The people telling you to "let that feeling go away" are probably girls who friendzone people.

I have a small issue with the language here "girls who freindzone people" like their the ones activly doing it on [i/]purpose[/i]

That right there is the reason why people react so strongly to the term friendzone. Because it puts blame on another person as if wanting to like someone is a conscious choice. You either like a person romantically or you don't.

To the op.

It depends on if the friendship started as an actual friendship. Sometimes you meet a cool person,become their friend, and then develop feelings for them. In the case of rejection, what is really going on is just unrequited love, not "friendzoning". And the strength of your feelings will determine if you should break the friendship off permanently, take a break, or carry on.

But if it someone creates a friendship with someone who they are interested romantically, then they run the risk of hurting themselves. It's better to just ask a person out instead of playing at friends. Now if a legitimate friendship happens to come out of that arrangement, stick around. But if not it would be better for both parties if you just leave.

Please note that in the rest of my post (that was not included in Vault's quote), I specifically stated that it isn't anyone's obligation to love someone else.

It's fun that people take offense to the way words are used but the term is a succinct way to describe the situation. The guy is placed into a category that is firmly non-romantic. This does not imply that the girl did something wrong. But make no mistake, she has evaluated the guy and he came up wanting on the romantic department.

Girls need to stop taking offense to that notion. Yes, you determined that you don't love him. So what? How is that bad or somehow your 'fault'? Yes, you put a guy in the friendzone because you don't love him. What would anyone else in the world prefer? Just because a guy gets in a hissy fit because his feelings aren't returned doesn't make you bad or wrong for not being interested in him. It's not your obligation to make his dreams come true. So yes, you friendzoned him and that's ok. Guy's are going to put a negative slant on the girl for turning them down. But it simply just didn't work out because your feelings didn't synch up.

 

[BNguyen]

I find it kind of funny that so many people on this site act like love is some sort of product that you can bring back to a store if you aren't fully satisfied with to just pick up something new off the shelf.
"Yeah you got dumped or friend-zoned, just move on to the next piece of tail and try your luck"
I just can't view a relationship even if it is one-sided as some sort of carnival game.

I'll admit I've had a fair few number of crushes and got turned down or just outright played with but even so, I found myself unable to just let go of my feelings so easily on the matter.