Ditching someone who friend zones you (Edited)

[Eddie the head]

That is what I mean when I say "Do you trust this guy to handle your multi-million dollar account?" Which of these two gentlemen looks more up to the task?

I know this isn't really your point, but the two look so similar that I couldn't even begin to judge. It's like Coke vs Pepsi it's pretty much the same thing.

 

[Hagi]

The asshole thing to do is neither accepting it won't be more than a friendship nor breaking it off. The asshole thing to do is, even after you've gotten rejected, to keep pursuing the other party even if under the guise of friendship. That's the point where the friend-zone turns toxic, not before.

Sounds more "desperate" than "asshole" to me. Also a bit generalized. Rejection isn't eternal or final, use your own judgement to determine whether you should give up or not. The last person to reject me now happens to be my girlfriend, just saying.

Desperate from a personal perspective does tend to translate to asshole from an outside perspective in these matters. After all, desperation in this context means basically the other mattering increasingly less because your personal desires have been neglected.

As for your girlfriend, I would hope you still took her rejection at that time seriously and didn't push on without regard for her feelings just to get her to accept later. I assume not, which really is the point I'm making.

 

[Hagi]

Spoiler

That is what I mean when I say "Do you trust this guy to handle your multi-million dollar account?" Which of these two gentlemen looks more up to the task?

I know this isn't really your point, but the two look so similar that I couldn't even begin to judge. It's like Coke vs Pepsi it's pretty much the same thing.

I don't know... the one on the left looks slightly less likely to take my money and go buy clothes with it...

As in, more focused on his actual job than on external appearances, which really seems contrary to the point the guy is making...

 

[Tarfeather]

Ugh, and this is why I said "Don't take me too seriously, I'm just rambling".

First off, the point I'm making is that we should probably call this "acquaintance zone", not "friend zone", because a friend is a very important person, and being "friend-zoned" is not in any way a bad thing. I'm not saying that I don't talk to people who are not my friends, or that I don't care about them, I'm just saying I don't consider them incredibly important.

Look, before this gets extended into a series of pointless arguments and ad hominem attacks, let me just explain in more detail what life experience I'm referring to here. See, there's this type of woman who I've dealt very wrongly with in the past. Specifically, the kind of woman who revels in the kind of attention associated with being "in love", but doesn't so much revel in all the other side-effects that has(like god forbid, the other person actually taking a sexual interest in you).

So far, I've been keeping such "friendships" up, in the expectation that the "friendship" part is important, and would outlast any romantic complications. Basically, I've been blaming myself for taking a romantic interest in the first place, and been assuming that all the problems would resolve themselves once I get over it.

But recently, I actually did find a partner and "satisfaction" in that regard. The conclusion is the opposite. Now that I have a partner, I have ceased giving the other person more attention than they give me. The result is that they have completely stopped talking to me. We were never "friends", it was merely an unhealthy relationship being kept alive by my desperation and her wish for male attention beyond her boyfriend.

And I feel that a lot of people suffering from the "friend zone" issue, actually suffer from unhealthy relationships like this.

Basically, now that I've found a woman who I actually get along with, my perspective on women has changed. Suddenly, I judge them to the same standards that I judge males to. And the sad conclusion is, none of the women that so far I have considered "friends", beside of my current partner, are remotely as compatible to me, as my male friends have been.

Yes, it's probably entirely possible to have a healthy friendship with someone from the opposite sex. I just haven't experienced it so far, and thus I have a "bias" based on my life experience. I never meant to make a generalized statement, I was just expressing my own experiences.

I assume you have guy friends (and I assume you're a straight male), you know how you like hanging out with them but don't feel romantically attracted?

I actually have developed a little bit of sexual affection for my male friends over the long years of loneliness. Never took it anywhere, though. But yeah, hanging out with my male friends doesn't feel so different from hanging out with my girlfriend, so I'd definitely say that this is one of the cases where it doesn't really matter so much whether you're in a relationship or not. What matters is how much you care about each other.

What I want to know if how he assumes people who are homosexual pursue friendships with the same sex....

Hm, one of my acquaintances is homosexual, actually, and from what he's told me he has similar issues. Namely, a lot of the guys he takes an interest in, "friend-zone" him, based on them identifying themselves as "straight". I haven't asked him whether he's ever felt really close to a guy and not taken at least a slight sexual interest in them, but my guess is "no".

Also, I think this might serve as good explanation of what I mean. If one of my male friends were to seek a relationship with me, I wouldn't fundamentally reject them. I'd reject them based on what I do not wish to do, e.g. gay sex, kissing another man, etc. But principally speaking, they are important enough to me, to consider a "relationship", whatever that means. It just wouldn't work out in practice, that's all.

 

[Sexual Harassment Panda]

That is what I mean when I say "Do you trust this guy to handle your multi-million dollar account?" Which of these two gentlemen looks more up to the task?

I know this isn't really your point, but the two look so similar that I couldn't even begin to judge. It's like Coke vs Pepsi it's pretty much the same thing.

I think it's saying that we should carry around laptop bags rather than fast-food bags if we want to be taken seriously. Mr Left is blue-collar, I think is the message... They've subtly given him a blue-collar and everything.

I don't buy Mr Right(hand-side) as someone to be taken seriously. To me it looks like he works in an up-market clothes shop or a department store, and spends a silly amount of his wage at the place of his work... Because he thinks that his staff discount makes it not-a-rip-off, or something...

 

[mecegirl]

What I want to know if how he assumes people who are homosexual pursue friendships with the same sex....

Also, I think this might serve as good explanation of what I mean. If one of my male friends were to seek a relationship with me, I wouldn't fundamentally reject them. I'd reject them based on what I do not wish to do, e.g. gay sex, kissing another man, etc. But principally speaking, they are important enough to me, to consider a "relationship", whatever that means. It just wouldn't work out in practice, that's all.

This pretty much applies to all individuals except asexual ones because that is a very particular circumstance. But what makes you think what you described isn't the same reasoning for a lot of straight women? Sex isn't everything in a romantic relationship, but for some people it is a component. Sexual attraction isn't so simple that just because you are attracted to a sex that you are attracted to all members of that sex. And if she can't see herself kissing the man in question what's the point of getting in a relationship with him?

I mean, just shelve sex for a moment. You know that sooner or later this person might want to kiss you, and by starting a relationship you have opened that door. If you plan on keeping it closed for no other reason than you aren't sexually attracted to that person, then what is the point of starting a romantic relationship? But that doesn't mean that you don't care about that individual as a person. Nor does it mean that you don't want a deep relationship with them. You just ain't interested in snogging. That is part of why Lilani objected to your post.

 

[Lightknight]

Rejection is part of life. Rejection with the expectation of an ongoing relationship with the person that rejected you is not necessarily part of life and paints a deeper picture of long suffering.

It really isn't particularly different, though. You're offering up this artificial distinction between types of ongoing relationships.

And honestly, I can't imagine carrying around that much "pain" from these supposedly vastly different rejections.

An artificial distinction? It's just more context. If you have an issue with terms meant to describe a situation in more detail then take that up with language in general. We are going to have words for specific situations that we as people deem meaningful to our experiences.

Getting rejected while maintaining the friend relationship means something deeper to a person who is aware of the feeling. That long suffering in a relationship where what you desire, a deeper intimate relationship, is just out of grasp is often far more painful than being told no when asking someone out. This is like being told every day.

That people assume sex is all there is to a romantic relationship vs a platonic relationship is surprisingly shallow and naive. I'm saying this more to the thread in general than to you specifically. A romantic relationship has such a deeper and more intimate relationship than a mere friendship. I'm sorry, but my relationship with even my best male friend comes nowhere close to the friendship I share with my wife. Sharing life as a couple is far deeper than sharing life as friends. The oneness and uniqueness of that relationship spans so many gaps friendships have. Yes, physical contact is one of them but even then, sex is just one component. There's nothing I love more than falling asleep at night with my wife in my arms. Sitting on the couch with my head on her lap getting a head scratching isn't something I'd ever have had with a female friend. The relationship is so much more true now that I'm facing any problem and any joy as one of an inseparable pair and that the relationship is far more meaningful to me.

I'm sorry to anyone who thinks that a platonic relationship can give everything that a romantic relationship can give beyond sex. But you're (anyone who would disagree) all wrong on that point. The mere component of belonging to someone else who readily allows themselves to belong to you is enough to put an extra spring in anyone's step. The desire for that kind of relationship with someone you come into contact regularly but who doesn't want that back can be soul crushing. It is different, starkly different, from just not being allowed a date with someone you aren't good friends with.

The original poster is doing NOTHING wrong in letting the relationship lapse to avoid that kind of pain. He or she can no more turn those feelings off than they could demand the other person turn their feelings on. Both, as I said earlier, are equally silly demands to place on a person.

 

[Hazy]

I know this isn't really your point, but the two look so similar that I couldn't even begin to judge. It's like Coke vs Pepsi it's pretty much the same thing.

They're the same guy, yeah. Couldn't really find another image to convey my point.

 

[Quickman]

To all those who replied to my comments earlier:

No. She did not make it clear, was very unambiguous and point blank led me on FOR A LONG TIME.

"Friendzoning" someone isn't just a matter of a man being rejected and labeling a female for his own inadequacies and failure to attract her. Some women use sexual flirtation and many methods to lure men in with no intention of actually giving them anything back in return. They do this to have power over men. Our society encourages it. We tell women they have the right to use sexual intercourse/appeal to get ahead.

This deeply, deeply damages human beings such as I who are not manipulative, conniving bastards. However we innocently get looped in with all the "evil men" who have done such "horrible things" out there.

Sincerity, kindness, ethics, morality, the soul, the mind, the self, how you treat other human beings, what you want to do within the world, how you want to change and better the lives of those around you. All those who are "attracted" to others because of anything other than what I just mentioned are in truth lusting after the opposite sex and calling it "love".

I guarantee you 90% of the time, the majority of these friend zones are from people who actually cared. It isn't our fault this was not understood and we were taken advantage of. Dating and relationships are not "games" despite what many have been lead to believe in today's modern world. This is why our society in the Western world is as fucked up as it truly is.

Yes. You have the right to do WHATEVER you desire with yourself, however a lack of growth is never a positive indication.

Once again: "Friends".. in the true sense of the word, has an elevator that comes with it. Ditch her. You will go through pain, heartache, and she may never care.

Move on brother.

 

[The Rogue Wolf]

I don't know no body is there true self dating. Men shave every day women hold their gas ect. Same with a job to a degree when you show up you wear a suit and talk all about how good you are. No one admit they check out facebook on company time. It take time before someone is willing to show their bad side.

There is a bit of dressing up that goes on, and I think everybody expects that to a reasonable point. My boyfriend dressed up on our first date and so did I, but neither of us were under the impression we always dressed that nice. However, there's a fine line between "dressing up and being extra polite" and "trying to impress someone." Trying to impress someone entails a lot more deceit, like lying about things you're interested in, lying about things you do, or catering ALL of your responses to be the perfect one rather than the truthful one.

Or, more simply: Dating is about showing your best face, not putting on a fake one.

 

[SilverUchiha]

Don't use friendzone in any serious form on the Internet anymore, it's a real fast way of labeling yourself as shallow and entitled to having someone touch your penis.

Depends on the person, as any other encounter. Talk to them when they're in the room, but don't go out of your way to invite them to a mardi gras if you sincerely don't want them to be with you at a mardi gras. There's a part of treat people like regular people that should be respected, bruv.

People say that, but I've seen both men AND women use it in conversation both online and offline. And it seems the more common way it's looked at (at least from what I've noticed) is not so much that Friendzoned = no sex. But more that there was an implied chance for a relationship of any kind beyond friendship (whether directly implied through meeting someone on a dating site or implied by flirtatious behavior). Thus it really isn't a shallow concept. Just an expression of disappointment when such implications are let down when you find out that flirtatious behavior was nothing more than flirtation or when meeting a girl from OKCupid doesn't work out in the long run because when you met things just didn't click. Yes, there's the other use of it meaning that a girl/guy doesn't want to sleep with you, but I don't use it that way and I've seen plenty of others who don't always mean it that way either. ... Just wanted to bring that up since I'm tired of so many people saying you can't use the term "friend-zone" when I see no valid reason as to why if used the right context.

AHEM... so on topic:

As many have said, it depends on a variety of factors, but it mostly boils down to: Can you (or whoever the friend-zoned person is) be in the same room as the other person and carry on a normal conversation without letting their feelings or sexual tension get in the way? If not, then distance yourself from the person (don't outright ditch them, because then they may think they did something wrong, and they didn't. They're well within their right to not be interested in whoever the other party is). If so, then just continue being friends until they either change their mind or you/whoever find someone else you have an emotional/sexual interest in.