Do As They Say, Not As I Do

Patrick Gann

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Apr 13, 2012
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Do As They Say, Not As I Do

Patrick, avid gamer and father of three, struggles to reconcile expert advice with his own instincts.

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Mouse_Crouse

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Apr 28, 2010
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Interesting read. Never knew that screen-based stimulation could have such a different effect on people like that.
 

Thespian

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Sep 11, 2010
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Fascinating article. I think behavioral psychology in that regard is highly applicable and significant to life.

As an aside, the author seems to have a great view on what it takes to be a good parent. Kudos.
 

Bashful Reaper

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May 7, 2010
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Really interesting. My brother is severely autistic (has never been able to talk), and at age 50 still flies into the most tempestuous tantrums if things change around him to suddenly. I hadn't really thought how he might react to screen-based entertainment. I suppose he's the wrong generation really... Fantastic painter though; I suppose that would be his drug.
 

Lunatic High

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Apr 14, 2012
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Wow, I never thought I'd read an article like this here.

You gotta find a focus for him that will involve interacting with OTHER people ,i.e playing a musical instrument, or the chess thing is a good way to start. The only way to deal with life is adapt to it. Games can be intensly addictive but you you shouldn't cut him off entirly if he doesn't want to. Otherwise he might think something is wrong with him and to him there isn't. Wouldn't that kinda piss you off too? its MUCH worse on his end, but like everybody else he is a slave to his brain, If you wanna teach him anything thats gonna help his condition through out his life teach him how to use moderation effectivly the more you do that as the older he gets he get a better grasp of whats important to focus on, if hes higher functioning, but it sounds like your doing a good job at that anyway. Keep it up.
 

The.Bard

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Great article. I have no personal connection to the syndrome, but my wife & I watch Parenthood, which gives us a very infinitesimally small modicum of understanding on Asperger's.

I have a lot of respect for a parent going through that without having a mental breakdown themselves.

I can only hope when the time comes I'm half as diligent a father when it comes to pushing the gaming aside for the children as Patrick is.
 

fealubryne

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Jan 26, 2011
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This was a really, really interesting article. As a gamer, game-designer-in-training, and, rather unexpectedly, now a mom... stuff like this really hits close to home. I've learned a lot of valuable things from games, and my own mom was fantastic about understanding, accepting, and even encouraging me to learn using methods that worked for me - and the thing I want most in my life is to do the same for my daughter. But who knows what sort of person she'll end up being? Only time will tell, at this point.

It would be hard to find yourself in a position like this, but ah, parenting. What we do for our kids - maybe not thrilled about it, but we'd happily do anything for their sake. It's really something to think about, and I'm glad for it. Definitely shows the human side of the community.
 

Dastardly

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Apr 19, 2010
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Patrick Gann said:
Do As They Say, Not As I Do

Patrick, avid gamer and father of three, struggles to reconcile expert advice with his own instincts.

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Thank you so much for sharing this. Not only is a topic like this very personal because it involves both you and your son, it hinges on topics that a lot of people have very strong (and often uninformed, or at least unempathetic) opinions about. I hope the overall response is favorable, and I hope more people see your article as being helpful, rather than seeing it as a request for help.

I spend a lot of my time picking apart what and how kids learn, and there's a lot of guesswork being used. The unfortunate truth is that, whether a child is "normal" or "special-needs," a lot of people focus on short-term results instead of long-term growth and learning. They could all take a lesson from your experience.

In education, we have a tendency to overuse tangible incentives and heaps of praise. These "instant gratification" mechanics can, even in the minds of the so-called-normal students, act in the same way as videogames. Instead of raising the children in the real world, where there are both good and bad consequences for their choices, and the good is only so good, we create an "alternate world" for them in which they are shielded from the bad, and every small good is amplified.

The result? We teach dependence. Students come to depend on us to constantly transform the real world into this fantasy world. By the time they get to me, they're middle schoolers -- just a stone's throw from adulthood, really. When we put responsibility on them, or put them in front of real challenges that call for real independence, many of them fold. Even (or especially) the "smart" ones, because it's harder to succeed with real tasks than it is to earn praise and rewards in the alternate world on which they're hooked.

Why do we still do it? Because it feels positive. And because it get short-term results. You get the child to give you the behavior you want without a fight, so it must be a good thing... or so goes the thinking. When we measure learning purely by the result, we often ignore endemic problems in the process. We sweep them under the rug, for next year's teacher to deal with.

Good parents (and those of us teacher who see students for more than one year at a time) realize early on that short-term results at the expense of long-term health are just not worth it. And intelligent gamers are learning not to react to every "anti-gaming" opinion as though it's automatically wrong for "attacking" our hobby. You're providing a great model for the intelligent gaming parent.

______

Going back to what this also means for the "neuronormal" kids out there, video games aren't unique. They do, however, represent the easiest-to-find example of what I consider Overly-Rewarding Environments. A few basic button pushes, and you've saved the world. Minimal effort, maximal reward. There are plenty of other experiences that we create to work in this way, so video games shouldn't be burning on that stake alone.

Are any of us surprised that people prefer those OREs to the real world? In the real world, I can put in a ton of effort, and the best I get is "nothing catastrophically fell apart." Compared to Skyrim, it's easy to feel like that's somehow a failure. And I'm an adult! For me, that feeling is subconscious, but tightly controlled by a conscious mind that knows better. What about for kids, who don't yet have that knowledge?
 

AbstractStream

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Feb 18, 2011
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What a great article (informative change of pace). Very interesting to read throughout. Learned things about screen-based simulation that I didn't know.

And for what it's worth, you sound like an excellent father. Wish you the best luck.
 

BiscuitTrouser

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May 19, 2008
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That was very interesting. Thanks for sharing. It goes to show psycology is so complex that saying "X causes Y" is such a crude way of representing what really goes on in peoples minds, the many factors involved. Andrew might have loved mastering a skill, putting his mind to things, perhaps his focus was so extreme that attempting to overtly shift it caused such a meltdown. Perhaps the dedication and determination to be the best at something or learn it constantly (no matter how improbable) consumes us to a degree. Shown in a more exghaggerated way through andrew due to his irregular neural pathways.

Fantastic read though. Good article.
 

Angnor

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Nov 11, 2010
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Great article. As the father of someone on the autism spectrum I feel for your situation. I have the same battles, trying to do what is best for my son while at the same time finding ways to share those things I love with him.

Best of luck!
 

TripleDaddy

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Mar 17, 2010
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Patrick Gann may be my doppleganger. I am also a father of three (hence the name) with a 6-year-old special needs son. He also has Sensory Integration Disorder - the mention of body brushes made me chuckle - and is a high-functioning autistic and his experiences with videogames were remarkably similar early on. He's had occupational therapy for 4 years now with a stated goal (among others) of activity transition. While he has the same obsessiveness, as long as he is given a warning as to when computer or Wii time is over, he will transition away quite calmly. He has trained himself to "power down" the sensory input and disengage from the activity. It is still possible to overload him if allowed to play for too long, but that would be true for any child.

And he whips my ass at Mario Kart.
 

CardinalPiggles

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Jun 24, 2010
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A very inspiring article, and somewhat scary too. Best of luck to you and your family.

As a side note, I think my brother has a very similar problem. He is going through his late teen years at the moment, and is supposed to be attending college, but is constantly reluctant to even go because he feels compelled to play video games every waking hour. Needless to say my mum is going a bit crazy about the whole thing and is taking away his console, TV, music, and as a result he is spending his days in bed, rotting away, not washing eating, changing clothes, or going out.

That got a bit long, sorry.
 

Sandytimeman

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Jan 14, 2011
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I remember going through similar things with Magic the Gathering and D&D when I got into my dad's hobbies. It's all I ever ate, slept, breathed I wouldn't talk to my dad about anything other then those table tops.

After awhile my dad stop playing and forceably took those things with him and I wasn't allowed to play those games. But it was still all I thought about for along time.

I still get obsessed with things but now that I'm older and more experienced in life its no where near as bad. I do have medically diagnosed aspergers and its kind of interesting to see things from the perspective of my parents.
 

Sandytimeman

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TripleDaddy said:
While he has the same obsessiveness, as long as he is given a warning as to when computer or Wii time is over, he will transition away quite calmly.
I remember from a young age, my mother made me keep an hourly schedule planner. I had activities planned out from video game/ TV, to home school lessons, to eating, showering etc.

I was always made to look over my schedule, I wonder if thats something my mom was told to do by our doctor.
 

link55307

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Aug 31, 2008
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As someone who has been diagnosed with multiple types of mental Disabilities from Asperger's, ADHD and higher functioning autism i can relate to what your son is going through and the difficulties you find as a parent.

Im not going to say our cases are exactly similar and should be treated with the same methods, unlike some Psychiatrists that i have been appointed too. i have learned that people with Disabilities such as myself are varied and all have there own challenges and a one sized fits all strategy just wont work. but here are a few problems and strategy's for success I found.

1.-Selective/ Extreme focusing- Many people with higher functioning have a problem were they can focus on a task incredibly well ie.(chess or video games) but have troubles focusing on tasks they do not like or have troubles with.
This usually leads to troubles with tasks such as homework and the inability to follow instructions, take dictation effectively and chronic procrastination.

For example in a class room setting i was always off somewhere else not paying attention, however i always got good grades. This is because i quickly picked up and understood the structure of "the test" i quickly learned to analyze and remember key points of lectures and assignments that would be placed on tests. Similar to how your son quickly picked up the rules of chess.

The best solution i found for procrastinating is to use reward systems ( never use punishment) to prioritize tasks. focusing on what im being told to do at work however is still an issue as i focus on one aspect and the rest seems to drown out. Making lists where i can focus down tasks makes me much more effective though.

2. Fitting in, not gonna lie this was a ***** to figure out and made my elementary and middle school hell for me, in middle schooll i refused to belive i was "challenged" beacuse you were a target for bullying, i got good grades so i refused any kind of help beacuse i thought i was fine without it and taking help would be seen as a sign of weakness. but please avoid treating your son as special or gifted and watch out how teachers treat him as well as video games which tout you as the all important hero do not help either. this can lead to some ugly self importance issues as well as extremly hard to deal with confirmation bias.

3. "Try" medication.
there are tons of horror storys from parents about how medication changed their child and they took them off the evil drugs right away. The issue is that the child usually has never experinced life without use of medication and has to adjust to the new emotions and thought procsees, give it two or three months on regiment before you make a final decison on wether medication is a good choice for your son, and let him decide at a proper age for himself ie 10-12

I wish the best for you and your son, and i apoligize if i seem to be projecting my own problems, just trying to give you a heads up about my experinces which sounded very simillar to your son.

PS: Education games such as math blaster are great i had mastered grade 5 math by the time i started school.
 

MPerce

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May 29, 2011
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That was a great article. Thank you so much for sharing your story.

I also had Sensory Integration Disorder when I was a kid, and I know how miserable it can make life for the parents. They have some crazy stories about the shit I put them through, even if my case was a fairly minor one. It mostly manifested itself in taste, touch, and decision-making. And yes, I also used to be unhealthily obsessed with video games for almost the exact same reasons your son is.

I'm 20 years old now and and it's virtually gone (I still have a few quirks left over, like getting random bouts of stress about silly things, but I now have the maturity to work through it). So while it may seem awful now, my family and I can assure you that there's light at the end of the tunnel. The therapists you've talked to definitely have you on the right track.

Thanks again, and best of luck to you!