Does anyone know how to fix depression?

[Fawcks]

Hi, I've been having a slight problem.

You see, three years ago, I met this girl. I fell in love. We were engaged. But then, she left me.

I was suicidal in early college years, due to poor family upbringing and recently having moved (I had moved from Moncton New Brunswick to Cincinnati Ohio, so I lost any friends I have have had), and I was essentially feeling down on my luck. But then I met a girl. She was cute, smart, she loved animals as I do; She was a Native American, and she felt a kind of spiritual connection in them I admired. She made them her life. She was wealthy, and did not have to work, so she volunteered at an animal shelter instead. I admired that, and looked up to her for it. She made jewelery in her spare time to fund the sanctuary she volunteered at.

Meanwhile, I was in college. It was hard, but I struggled on. I made it through freshman year by meeting her. Sophmore year we fell in love. Early junior year, I was working a lot more, and school became harder... My family was always cold and distant, so I didn't have any support there. When I got home every day, I lived only to speak with her. She was my sole light. In the end, I was working thirty hours a week and going to college full time to support myself... My family didn't support me, they never have. She was all I had. But, in the middle of junior year... Something happened.

She found later that the owner of the sanctuary had not been using the money she had raised to take care of the animals. He had taken it for himself, and was renovating his house with it. Meanwhile, the animals were behind on shots. She was despondent. But I, leaving the house at six AM five days a week, and coming home only after 10PM between work and school, was too exhausted to see how devastated she was. Looking back, it was obvious she was putting on a strong front for me. But I was a fool to not see the signs. A few months later, she left me a note saying she went to go find herself... Who she really was, and what she needed to do. I vowed to wait for her until she returned.

Meanwhile... It's been over a year now, and nothing has changed. I am terribly depressed, I can't focus, all I do is cry all the time or waste time doing nothing. I can't work as hard on my school work anymore, my grades have slipped horribly... I went from B+ student to below passing in under a year... I don't know what to do. At this rate, I won't get my degree, I'll be kicked out of college and have nothing. Nothing...

I don't know how to stop it. I seriously can't stop myself. I have no real friends anymore... No family. I've been looking on, and I just don't see the point of my living any more. I have no hope left. Before, I looked to the future because she was there. But now... I don't know anymore. I'm not suicidal, but I need to fix myself before this gets any worse... I don't know what to do.

 

[Anarchemitis]

Order from your local bookstore When Men Think Private Thoughts [http://www.amazon.com/Private-Thoughts-Exploring-Issues-Captivate/dp/0785271635] by Gordon MacDonald.
It gives keen insight into such an issue.

 

[Erana]

Hrm... I don't really have any grand insight with which to cure a constant misery, but I can offer a few suggestions for when I've felt down for extended periods of time:

1. Make a schedule for your schoolwork and stick to it. Make it your schedule your top priority. You don't have to manage your time to a T, but designate study times for each of your classes and be sure to study during these periods.
Doing this will make you feel more productive, and being productive is an emotional boost.

2. Make sure you eat. People these days neglect the affects of eating at regular intervals. If you are, try to get some fruits and vegetables in you, too. I feel notably different when I don't get enough vegetables in my diet.

3. Change the scenery a bit. Try spending your time in a different room, like being on the computer in the lounge or library. I get a bit restless if I don't switch things up, and being upset exacerbates the issue.

4. find people to just socialize with. Even if you can't find true friendships where you are, face-to-face human interaction does help. Just try playing a multiplayer game in a public space on campus and offer a controller and food, or something. Perhaps just a movie.

5. Look at the worst-case scenario. If you DID get kicked out of college, you'd be stuck with a partial college degree. You could go to work for a while, and then go get a degree at a later date. No one's terminally ill, or something, right? I mean, dropping out of school is quite straining, but it isn't death or severe handicap. You still have the potential for a very happy life, even if college doesn't pan out for you.

6. You love her, right? Then you have someone to be strong for. Push yourself to be the person she fell in love with. Except older, and wiser and stronger. Wouldn't you want to be the kind of person that she'd say, "Boy am I glad I know a guy like this," than fall apart and make her feel responsible? And this isn't just about trying to win her back, or something like that. Use your love of her as a motivation to become a great man, both for yourself and her, should she come back into your life.

 

[IrradiatedFish]

I'm not good at the whole "inspirational talk" thing, but I'll try my best to shed some light.

First off, I myself suffer from depression, so, maybe I'm not the best person to be taking advice from, but, misery loves company right? (At least I think that is how the expression goes)

Your title though was what got me thinking; FIX depression? I don't know your view on medication and drugs, but some people (I'm starting to think this includes me) are clinically depressed. By that, you might have a disorder that you were naturally born with in which your body isn't producing enough Serotonin. Lacking this chemical can lead to depression. I've been struggling with depression myself for years, and I'm thinking that there's something physically wrong with me (as well as mentally, Im sure); something that is actually preventing me from being happy. This could be explained by having extremely low serotonin levels.

Recently I actually was diagnosed with a blood disorder after I went through the last summer with 'freaky blood issues' (ITP is the name of the disorder if you're interested). Essentially I had extremely low levels of platelets in my blood. This has sort of got me thinking that maybe I have more undiagnosed medical problems. Maybe I have low serotonin levels? It could help to explain part of, or heck, maybe all of my depression issues (wishful thinking anyway). Recently, I also thought about how medical disorders are often hereditary. Although it was never diagnosed due to his stubbornness (unwilling to get it diagnosed), my mother has told me of how she has suspected that her dad (my Grandpa) may suffer from this sort of issue. If this is the case though, it could explain that I've just been unfortunate enough to inherit one of my causes of depression (although, I now have other issues which make the depression worse :/ ).

So, one thing I could suggest: You say you are in college? I am as well. I don't know anything about your campus, but we have a health centre, and we can schedule an appointment to see a doctor, free of charge (completely confidential as well). Maybe you could see about getting a diagnosis. Maybe you're just lacking some serotonin . I'm thinking about taking my own advice soon, so you're not alone .

As for your personal situation... *sigh* Girls huh? I'm terrible with the subject, thus I really don't have any realistic advice to offer. I would probably end up suggesting something more detrimental than beneficial.

I get your point though. Sometimes I feel like the only reason to go on living is just because I can't simply STOP living (due to fundamental biological reasons; survival instinct and all that). The world can be a rough place, and in my case, I'm starting to believe I wasn't equipped with the proper tools to be happy on a regular basis (my brain be' lackin' serotonin!).

I suppose that was a more scientific view of things, but maybe someone else can offer you some better emotional support at the very least. I hope you found something I said helpful, and I hope you get better

Best wishes!

 

[Fawcks]

I loved her. I don't know how I feel now. I don't know what to feel. I never thought she would leave for a whole year... leave me... Having been together for two years, and engaged, I never thought this would happen. Up until a month after she left, I always thought she would come back someday. Yet she has not.

I'm a mess now, honestly. I shave about once a week, I look like trash. I don't put my contacts in anymore, I don't really do anything. I don't generally eat anymore. I eat about one meal a day, if that, about 500 calories. I sleep around four hours a day.

I think my main problem is I don't have anymore grounding. I don't have anything to be excited or happy for. I mean, if you go home everyday, and think, "I can't wait to see my loving family, or my friends, or play game X" it becomes a lot more bearable. I haven't really looked forward to anything since she left. I just kinda slink through every day... Doing the bare minimum... Not really working on a lot.

I'll look into that book I guess... I wish I had more money to spend.

I have not seen or spoken to her or exchanged messages for almost a year now...

EDIT: I don't think that this was an isolated incident. This has been happening for awhile. Before I met her, I never had anything either. I was young enough to not be too bothered by it, but when I met her, I was extremely dependent, and that was part of the problem. She was all I had, really. So I clung to her and made her validate my entire existence. I accept that if it were not for her, I would be long dead by now. I had no interest in living before I met her.

 

[Tron-tonian]

Speaking as a person living with depression (for over 20 years, no less), here's a few helpful steps:

1. Get counseling. There should be some free options provided by your school. Stick with it.
2. See a doctor. Antidepressants can help.
3. GET OUT! No, seriously - get out with friends. Minimum once a week, go out and do something fun and social - even if it's just BS'ing over beers with some friends.
3.a. No friends? Make some! Or reconnect with those who have dropped off the radar. Hell, sign up to an online dating service (plentyoffish.com is fairly popular). This at least gets you out and being social.

You don't beat depression. You aren't ever really cured. You do find ways to even out the valleys, though.

And remember, you're not alone in this fight.

 

[Fawcks]

Getting out is hard for me... I don't have a car, I rely on public transit. Every dollar I make goes towards rent, and I only have two days a week where I don't work... and they're never on the weekend. Lack of a car is definitely my limiting factor, though... I was going to get one, but... Tuition got more expensive.

EDIT: I have moved again in the last year, so I am not even remotely acquainted with anyone.

 

[Erana]

I don't generally eat anymore. I eat about one meal a day, if that, about 500 calories. I sleep around four hours a day.

EAT.
If anything could be considered concrete of God, its food. There is so much to be enjoyed. The entire world will be better if you eat more and regularly. Are there any restaurants around here? little grocery stores or anything? Go shave, get a warm coat, and get some food. Try a savory meat pie, or something. Or a pastry from a coffee shop. If I knew you in person, I'd be trying to feed you in real life.
(That's my first instinct, to feed people.)
But I'm not there, so I can't do that. But food would really help in this situation. So do me a favor and go grab some noms.

 

[Fawcks]

This sounds expensive...

 

[Cupid]

I think GoldenEyes gave you some real sound advise. You should make an appt. to see someone on your college campus. There you may find the support you need. I'm sorry you had put so much of who you are into one person, but I bet you are stronger than you may think and you will get through this. Most it is best that we always remember that we should not count on one single person or thing to keep us going every day. Get up and do the day for YOU, and share it with those around you. I'm sure she was the love of your life, and I'm sure she had done good by you the time she had spent with you. Cherish that love, because it was, as you know a good love. Sometimes people are not ever meant to stay in our lives forever, but we don't ever have to forget the love and joy they had given to us while with us. In our lives, we will meet so many people, they will come and go, some will stay. But I think you are just so hurt and feel as though your hope is less and less as the days pass and she has not returned. You can get past this, and I know, because I've been there too. It may take awhile, but you get to the place where you will feel okay of things and you will be ready to open your heart to another. In the meantime, I think what GoldenEye suggested is some of the best advise. You are a strong person to have gone through all you have already gone through, you have supported yourself, got to get yourself through college even during tough times, and moved to another state. That alone is ALOT to do and all on your own. Please don't sell yourself short and think you can fall into some place where you can't pull yourself out of. You are too strong for that. Talk to your support on campus, please and keep us posted too. We are forum friends, but we can be shoulders too. PM your friends here and talk if you wish. Know you can PM me too, I would love to listen and with sincerity. Sometimes just talking, no matter how much you will repeat it can feel great. Don't give up, things will get better. It's a bump in the road, and you know we will have them from time to time, you'll get over the bump, you'll see. =)

 

[Fawcks]

I've never really given much thought to my positive qualities. My fiance tried for years to pull me out of my constant pessimistic streak. She told me about how before she met me, she wanted to die... And I gave her hope for tomorrow. she said I was smart, funny, loyal, strong, and handsome. I think I'm fairly attractive, but a little short (5'4'', 130lbs), I'm 21, but I look like crap ever since I let myself go. I haven't gained weight, but I stopped shaving, my hair looks like junk since it was over 3 feet long, and I stopped taking care of it, so I cut it all off... I don't think I'm strong at all. I think everyone thinks I'm overreacting...

 

[Tasachan]

I wish I could help, but like some of the others, I'm stuck with depression as well and haven't found a way to make things entirely better.
At one time I was on a few prescriptions (and since you're in the states I don't know if your school does health insurance like my canadian one does) and they were working. I switched to a new one, and now they're not. Bleh.
My school also has a health centre, and access to a counselor for free - its all covered in my tuition. I've been seeing the counselor, and I admit that it did help a lot. Maybe yours has the same?


I do wish you all the best, though. And I'm always willing to lend an inbox if you need to vent more. Check your school to see if they offer counseling or support groups - it doesn't always fix things, but it does help a lot.

 

[Terminal Blue]

As if it needs to be said, I'm depressed to. I have been for about eight years, but I'm just about scraping through life at the moment so let me give you some advice which has helped me.

Firstly, if you feel things are spiralling out of control you need to recognize that you have an illness like any other, and that you need to seek help from the medical profession. Part of your illness is that you will steadfastly deny this and seek to inflict blame on yourself for everything you see as a failure, but you need to let that go. If you had a chronic physical illness, noone would expect you to stagger around doing all the things you're trying to do, and having a mental illness is no different. It is out of your control and therefore not your fault, and there is absolutely no shame in seeking help from professionals to manage it. In fact, that is the most responsible thing you can do.

If you are prescribed medication, take it religiously. While you definitely have issues which are making you feel worse, at the end of the day clinical depression needs to be treated clinically. Anti-depressants have a terrible press at the moment, but there are some amazing drugs on the market and they may well really be able to help you, but you need to take them and keep up the willpower to keep doing so even when it feels hopeless. Again, if you were physically ill and were staggering about refusing pain medication which might help you people would think you were absolutely stupid.

That said, don't be afraid to talk to your doctor about your medication. If you get a month or so in and feel no change, you should get your medication changed. Remember that every case of depression is different and your doctor is very much firing blind trying to find something which will help you. You won't always stumble on the right medication the first time, but if and when you do it will absolutely change your life and enable you to do so much more. Be disciplined with yourself, even when things don't seem to be working you need to have faith that you can sort this out like any other illness you might develop.

As regards the actual issues, I think others have said it much better than me. You won't sort them overnight, it's not that simple, and save for long treatment by a professional psychiatrist or counsellor no amount of talking is going to help in the long term. You will feel better one day, but in the meantime you need to accept yourself as ill, and treat yourself accordingly. Don't beat yourself up for things you see as failures, celebrate yourself for doing so much under difficult circumstances. Recognize that depression will always lead you to see the negative of every situation, and learn to detach yourself from those conclusions because you can't trust them.

Finally, at the end of the day, even if your fiance came back tomorrow it wouldn't solve your problems. It's beautiful that you found love and can still hold onto that, but you still need to get help for yourself in the here and now. Worse, if she did come back and you were just the same, you'd run into the same problems all over again. Don't rely on one untrained person to pull you out, not when there is a huge infrastructure dedicated to helping people like us.

 

[Fawcks]

Thanks for all the help everyone! I'll try to get a meeting with a school counselor soon... Sadly, the year is winding down, so for now, the school is mostly dead and empty, and although I am in Canada at the moment, I am not on their wonderful healthcare system (A quick stop to a local government center will fix that, though, since I am a citizen).

I feel a little better right now, since I have just gotten off of work. Working hard makes me think a lot less about what ails me, and helps me feel happier, if even for just a little while.

My friend had a tag saying he was having trouble finding any positives in life anymore, so I asked what was up... He said his father had passed away recently, I felt like garbage. x.x When It came my turn to explain why I was down, he got pretty mad, since he thought the reason was absolutely trivial. I kinda agree... A little... but it still made me feel bad.

I'm surprised only one person so far has come to troll my thread, everyone is so nice and helpful it makes me wonder if I took a step off of the usual interwebs into a similar series of connected tubes.

 

[DuctTapeJedi]

snip

First, I've suffered from depression for over half of my life. I first contemplated suicide in the third grade. I don't "know what you're going through," (I always hated when people said that), but I do have somewhat of an understanding.

Things that helped me:

SEE A DOCTOR- Frequently, there is a chemical component, and no amount of "sucking it up," (another phrase I hate) is going to change that. So if you do have the chemical component, seeing a doctor is essential. If you had diabetes (I pray you never do), you'd see a doctor. Not only do they help with the medical aspect, but it really helps to have some one to talk to that knows what they're talking about. These people went through years of schooling, just to give people advice. Also, like, all the other pieces of advice I'm about to give you, I was told in therapy. And the doctors have way better/more than I can remember.

-Start doing volunteer work. I know it may not seem like standard self-help advice, (does it?) but doing volunteer work gives you a substantial boost in self esteem. When I was depressed, I would think that people would be better off without me (wrong), and a good way to prove yourself wrong about that is to make a tangible difference in some one else's life.
*Side note, you undoubtedly already are very important to a lot of people (even if it's hard to see sometimes) the volunteering thing is more of a means of giving yourself concrete evidence.

-Now it's time for some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy!

The next time you start to feel hopeless, I want you to actively tell yourself that first off, this is just a rough patch.

Again, in order to eliminate an automatic response, just repeat the following phrases in your head the next time you're in a situation like this:

a.) "Better times are on their way."
b.) "I have to take an active role in bringing them."

If you keep telling yourself things like this, the responses they bring about will be automatic, and your depression should get better.

Again, this doesn't mean you don't still need a doctor. The methods I told you are more like taking some Pepto-Bismol so that you don't throw up on the drive to the doctor's office.

 

[Imp Poster]

My family didn't support me, they never have. She was all I had.

You see, you can't substitute the support of your family to someone else. That is just too much pressure and just stuff for someone else other than your family to take. I sorry, but it just is. Honestly, this is hard for me to write. My parents being both workaholics. I never saw them growing up. TV was my babysitter after school my whole life. They were literally never there for me in anything. My resentment grew the older I got. When I got to college, I left them to a far away college on purpose. So I could stay away from them, but at this point, depression was my only friend. My mom would call every once in awhile to see how I am doing though. I think what I resented the most was that they never taught me anything that I could use socially. I didn't know how to interact with others. But I have had best/good friends that were neighbors,classmates,teammates that had great families and I was always envious which made me hate my parents more.

Now, that I am 37 years old, I understand my parents being immigrants to the US, never really having an opportunity in their country to make money to raise a family, they thought money was the most important thing to raise their kids, put them through schooling and hope that they will have an easier life. And you know what? I don't care what they think of me, I love them as I love myself because they are my family. So I am going to do what a loving person does and show they what they missed. And sometimes, I like to think they see what I am doing and feel sadness, but I got a smile and not because I made them feel sad, but that they understand what a real family is supposed to be.

As to your girl problems, I have had a similiar experience which made me realize everything about me and love. I had a four year relationship with this girl who I like to refer to as my first love. When we first met, she was the sun to my darkness. She was every good thing that I was not. I taught her how to snowboard and she taught me every good thing. Plus, she had a real loving family to boot. To make a long story short, she broke up with me saying that she didn't know how to make me happy. I was more devastated that we broke up than figuring out what she meant, but eventually, I got around to it. Basically, you got to do things for you and you have to love from within. Anything else is just, not it? Sorry, I don't know the word to describe it. No matter what, you can't value someone if you don't value yourself. It just doesn't seem to work(for me anyways) any other way. From me to you, you can't depend on someone to do that for you.

SORRY FOR THE LONG POST.

 

[Zaik]

Not overnight, no. Time and an appropriate mindset heals all wounds though.

To start with, don't expect her back. If she actually gave a damn, she'd have properly talked to you, not pulled some soap opera-style bullshit. The sooner you get over her, the faster you can focus on yourself.

Secondly, why let your family win? They want you to fail, just like them. Live in spite of them, if nothing else. It's actually kind of thrilling, knowing that just your existence can cause pain in those who hate you. Have fun with it. Once you've made it and have yourself a comfortable job, rub your success in their faces, and make sure your parents know they're going straight to a nursing home first chance you get. That threat gains weight the older they get. Hate can be a fun reason to live, to be honest.

Lastly, don't care about other people's shit. Now, i'm not saying show up to work 2 hours late and do nothing. Do a good job because you want money to live with, remember you've got to succeed to get proper revenge on your "family". Just don't care what they think, do, or say. This has the added effect of appearing as confidence, if you don't happen to have any at the moment(many depressed people don't). You'll probably pull in a few "i can save him" types, who tend to like animals as well. Don't get too attached to them, because they will promptly lose interest in you. Just do what makes you happy and as soon as it doesn't get rid of it.

TLDR: Get over her, live for revenge, put yourself first.

 

[ViaticalTarsier]

This might sound crazy, but doing an hr or so of cardio or exercise really drives away depression. Find an activity you like and go all out in it. For me its skiing and disc golf, but it could be tennis or ultimate frisbee (both of which prosper on college campus's) or whatever sport or recreational activity really

Also get an attitude of "I'm in this world for myself and nobody else". Sounds selfish, but you won't have to deal with anyone else's problems and you just worry about your life.

 

[DuctTapeJedi]

This might sound crazy, but doing an hr or so of cardio or exercise really drives away depression. Find an activity you like and go all out in it. For me its skiing and disc golf, but it could be tennis or ultimate frisbee (both of which prosper on college campus's) or whatever sport or recreational activity really

This.
Regular exercise does increase levels of hormones in your system that increase mood.
That, plus cognitive behavioral therapy, and volunteer work.

 

[Fawcks]

Volunteer work might just be out the door, since I already work almost full time. I do feel good after working, though. Same idea maybe?

Also, believe it or not, I am very self-sacrificing in my relationships. So, I don't know if I could ever "Put myself first".