I don't doubt your love for this girl, and I certainly can understand that you were devastated when she left, but that makes it clear that while you were with this second girl, although you were in love and happy, you hadn't actually gotten passed your depression. Otherwise, you wouldn't have so quickly and suddenly fallen back into that sad and frustrating routine/mentality.Fawcks said:
That's the problem... when she was in your life things were better, but the moment she was gone you couldn't find a reason to live. You need to get through this depression for yourself, without holding onto a happiness that someone else gives you. Otherwise, you're not actually getting through this, you're just ignoring it by holding onto the things that make you happy in your life. This also isn't good because sometimes that can put a lot of pressure on whoever it may be that you're relying on to feel happy, which in turn may push them away.
There's nothing wrong with loving someone, or holding onto the hope that they'll come back. But she can't be that reason to live, or to try to make something of yourself. These things need to be done for you, and only for you. All the other people and things in your life should only be a bonus, things that add to your happiness, but they can't be the only things that make you happy. You need to be able to be alone, single, by yourself, and be happy, otherwise you're not genuinely happy with your life, even if you feel that way.
Go take a shower, and shave. Don't tell yourself you'll do it later, or that it's not a big deal, because it is. The biggest thing with depression (or anything close to) is just how easily you can put things aside, or procrastinate. The more you do this, the worse you'll feel. Sure, at the moment it'll be easier to sit there and watch TV, or whatever, but by the end of the day you'll feel like shit 'cause you didn't do anything productive. Exercise is also important. Even walking for half an hour a day, or running on a treadmill, anything for a half-hour, or an hour a day, every day is good. You'll feel more energized, and less fatigued.
You also need to get yourself some more sleep, and start eating at least three times a day, if not four to six. Depression is an vicious cycle of events that only feed off one another. The less you eat, the weaker you feel. The less you exercise, the more fatigued you feel. The less you sleep, the more tired you are. The more tired you are, the less you feel like doing. The less you do, the worse you feel, both mentally and physically.
Perhaps you could sit down sometime, and make a list of things you'd like to start doing on a daily or weekly basis. Or, you could make a list of things you enjoy. Doesn't matter if you used to enjoy it, but lately haven't, put it on the list anyways. Don't think about whether or not you'll do any of those things, or if it'll make you feel better. Just make the list, and put it aside for a day. Look at it the next day, and remind yourself of why you put each item on that list. Those are things that you enjoy, that make you happy, and things that you can continue to do to keep your mind distracted, to give it a break.
Now make a list of things that can help get you out of that dark hole. Exercise, eating right, getting enough sleep (and at proper hours), getting back into the routine of doing your homework, anything that is productive. Now, keep that list, and every single day do one of those things. At least one thing a day. Eventually you'll find yourself possibly doing more than one. But what's important is to do something everyday. Once you're getting enough sleep, eating more, and exercising, you'll finally start to feel like you have the energy to do other things. And once you're doing a little something every single day, you'll start to feel better. One day at a time.
When anyone is suffering, and unhappy, and they find someone that truly makes them happy, they'll cling onto them and everything they share with one another. It's okay to enjoy that happiness, but it's not a good idea to allow that person to be 'the reason' or the 'everything'. Not only is it unfair to that person (it's a lot of pressure), but it's not fair to you. You need to be able to enjoy your life without certain people in it. You need to be able to enjoy yourself, and your own time. If you can't find happiness in those, you'll be that much more devastated if that link doesn't work out, or disappears for whatever reason. And it'll only be worse if that reason is because of that pressure previously mentioned.
Good! That's a start. Progress is the most important thing here. Making a list, following it on a consistent basis, and taking little steps regularly is key. These steps may not seem that significant to others, or even to you, but you must remind yourself that it is progress, and therefore it is important.
Good that work does this for you. If keeping your mind busy results in you feeling less down or stressed about yourself, or your life, then keep at it. I don't mean ignore everything that gets you down, but more often than not we make every situation or struggle worse by focusing on it. Being pessimistic, and only perpetuating ourselves into that downward spiral. The more anyone thinks about how bad a situation is, or how something simply can't be done (it's too hard), the harder it becomes to actually do something, anything.
Don't feel bad, at all. Simply because your friend is dealing with a loss in the family, and you're struggling with something internal, doesn't make your struggle any less significant or difficult. Doesn't make you wrong, or any less of a person. Your struggles are real, no matter what someone else is ever struggling with. If that's something you find yourself constantly saying, stop, and remind yourself that your own internal struggles are exactly that, your own. They're real, and they're significant.
He's in pain, and lashing out at you. Don't take it to heart, or let it sway what you already know; this is something you're struggling with. You don't need to justify that to anyone.
And this needs to stop, at least until you can reach a point in your life where you're happy, with yourself, and by yourself. Until then, you need to actively force yourself to put yourself first.
I was depressed for three years, all through high school. I had fallen into a similar routine, and everything I did, or more importantly, didn't do, only made everything else worse. I would constantly focus on all the things that I wasn't doing, or what I couldn't do, which only made me feel worse. What's important is to focus on what is right, what it is you want for yourself, and in your life. Don't focus on what you don't have, or used to have, there's not much you can do about that. But what you can do is start working towards getting that. You want someone in your life that you love? Someone who loves you just as much as you them? You won't ever truly be able to do anything for anyone else unless you can take care of yourself. So, that's what you need to focus on.
That list that I mentioned earlier, add things that you want in your life; a home, a family, lover, degree, career, happiness. Now, ask yourself if you'll truly be able to attain any of that if you don't wish to live. Then put all those things in order. What you're currently on your way to getting, and what will come next once you complete that. So, you're career will follow your education. Your education is directly affected by you doing your homework, which in turn is affected by your procrastination, and unwillingness to actually do it. That is affected by how you feel. Everything comes back to you. Unless you physically and mentally feel as if you can do even the most simple things, you won't be able to reach those higher goals. They're not unattainable, but currently, they're fairly overwhelming. That will change once you start actively forcing and reminding yourself what you need to do, and how it can be done.
This isn't something that's wrong with you. This isn't something that needs to be fixed. It's something that you're struggling with, and that you can get through. All it takes is the determination to get through it, and some support. I have no doubts that by taking the right steps, and trying your best, you'll get through this.
