Does sex necessarily have to be learned by trial and error?

krazykidd

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So i'm bored and this popped up in my head.

Now when i was growing up, sex was ( and still is ) taboo, my parents never talked about it. While i did know what sex was, i had no idea how sex worked. I didn't really have sex ed at school, so the most i learned was from pornography. And when i started bein sexually active, it was mostly trial an error.

Now it is my understanding that when people are taught about sex ( wether at school or home), it's mostly generalities about sex. Like the different sexual organs, how to put on a condom, what the pill is for, how to avoid diseases, how to avoid getting pregnant,( if you are lucky what is a clitoris and where is the g-spot) etc..

But when it comes to how to have sex( the actual game mechanics if you will)well that you have to figure out on your own ( dark souls style).While i am aware that not everyone does it the same way, or like the same things, some general " do to sex" guidelines would have been appreciated. But i was left shooting in the dark, learning from mistakes and experience. And i'm wondering does it have to be this way?

Now i'm not asking to have teachers have sex in class to show teenagers how to do it, but does sex really need to be learned by trial and error?

Discuss.
 

Dirty Hipsters

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Even once you've "learned" to have sex, it's still going to be a different experience with each person you do it with, so it's always going to be trial and error the first time you're with a new person, that is if you care about getting the other person off and not just yourself. So really, you can't be taught more than generalities because each person you have sex with is going to be different and enjoy things differently.
 

Albino Boo

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Speaking at someone who has been having sex since 1989, you never learn sex. Its like driving, the mechanism is always the same but each journey is different. A+B+C doesn't always equal bingo and you
just have to go with the moment.
 

Colour Scientist

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Dirty Hipsters said:
Even once you've "learned" to have sex, it's still going to be a different experience with each person you do it with, so it's always going to be trial and error the first time you're with a new person, that is if you care about getting the other person off and not just yourself. So really, you can't be taught more than generalities because each person you have sex with is going to be different and enjoy things differently.
First post kinda nailed it.

You can know the generals and you can definitely have a solid repertoire of the basics but each new person you sleep with is going to involve adaption and figuring out each other's rhythms and preferences.

There isn't ever going to be a definitive "this is how to sex good" manual, no matter how many people try. XD
 

Albino Boo

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Colour Scientist said:
Dirty Hipsters said:
Even once you've "learned" to have sex, it's still going to be a different experience with each person you do it with, so it's always going to be trial and error the first time you're with a new person, that is if you care about getting the other person off and not just yourself. So really, you can't be taught more than generalities because each person you have sex with is going to be different and enjoy things differently.
First post kinda nailed it.

You can know the generals and you can definitely have a solid repertoire of the basics but each new person you sleep with is going to involve adaption and figuring out each other's rhythms and preferences.

There isn't ever going to be a definitive "this is how to sex good" manual, no matter how many people try. XD
Its for research purposes darling didn't work for me.
 

JoJo

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Isn't everything learnt by trial and error to some extent? There's imitation I suppose, so you could try to imitate what you see in porn or a very accommodating couple of friends, but even so it'd take practice to get the hang of it yourself. For an unrelated example, no amount of watching videos of people driving or learning about the theory of driving will make you an expert the very first time you step into the driver's seat of a car.
 

krazykidd

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JoJo said:
Isn't everything learnt by trial and error to some extent? There's imitation I suppose, so you could try to imitate what you see in porn or a very accommodating couple of friends, but even so it'd take practice to get the hang of it yourself. For an unrelated example, no amount of watching videos of people driving or learning about the theory of driving will make you an expert the very first time you step into the driver's seat of a car.
That is exactly my point though. That's why we have driving schools. Because simply watching a video and having someone explain in front of a class how driving works isn't enough. You need to get behind a wheel with an instructor, maybe even be in the passenger seat and watch someone drive, to get how it really works. When you are driving with an intructor beside you , it's not trial an error, if it was there would be A LOT more accidents. You're not thrown to the wolves and told " let's see what we can do". You are actually shown HOW to drive the car before getting in the driver seat. No one is really shown how to have sex. The first time , most people go in blind, not knowing what to do or what to expect, and most often than not the results are disasterous.

Edit : rereading that it sounds like i'm saying people need a sex tutor. Which isn't what i mean.
 
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JoJo said:
Isn't everything learnt by trial and error to some extent? There's imitation I suppose, so you could try to imitate what you see in porn or a very accommodating couple of friends, but even so it'd take practice to get the hang of it yourself. For an unrelated example, no amount of watching videos of people driving or learning about the theory of driving will make you an expert the very first time you step into the driver's seat of a car.
I feel sorry for the poor people who learn how to have sex from porn.


It tends to be very misrepresentative of what actually happens. Some poor soul is gonna be very surprised when he discovers that pounding a woman's cervix isn't something she enjoys.
 

carnex

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My view on that is following

Romance and sex are perhaps the most individual preferences and expressions of preferences one has.

I mean, basic mechanics are usually taught by either schools and/or parents. Also there are books with more detailed instructions, techniques etc. And I do think young people should be exposed to material. But quite soon everyone understands that most of the people have some preferences that are not really covered in books. Experimentation and expression of wishes and preferences is much more important than preloading with theoretical knowledge.
 

StriderShinryu

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Dirty Hipsters said:
Even once you've "learned" to have sex, it's still going to be a different experience with each person you do it with, so it's always going to be trial and error the first time you're with a new person, that is if you care about getting the other person off and not just yourself. So really, you can't be taught more than generalities because each person you have sex with is going to be different and enjoy things differently.
Pretty much this.

Certainly you can learn what the usual ins and outs are and what generally works for yourself/others, but I've always found sex to be about the connection between me and the other person. There's specifics to each individual and each couple that you can't really "learn" ahead of time and outside of experience.
 

Colour Scientist

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Spot1990 said:
Any good sex will involve both (all? I dunno what you crazy Escapists get up to but I always assume everyone is having orgies but me) partners guiding the other and telling them what they like. At least at the early stages of a sexual relationship. Because just because you learned to rock one vagina or 50 vaginas does not mean you know how to rock all the vaginas. So basically learn the basics and then communicate with every partner you have and find out how they like their particular bell rang.

Plus it would bring whole new levels of weirdness to "The talk". Because if they start going into the details and specifics of what works it'd have to come from personal experience, that means you run the serious risk of finding out your mom likes her butthole tickled and your dad's a pain freak. Nobody wants to have that conversation.

... I should be a teacher.
Where's Jayne?

The fuck is this?
 

Vault101

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krazykidd said:
Edit : rereading that it sounds like i'm saying people need a sex tutor. Which isn't what i mean.
thats what the wonders of the internet is for!
 

ExtraDebit

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For me, learning about sex through trials and errors was the best part of sex for me. I hate diving into things I already know about or something I can imagine. As for porn, I think it ruin sex for me, I've watched so much porn that naked women doesn't turn me on anymore.
 

BoogieManFL

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It doesn't have to be. The key, as with many things in a relationship, is communication. If you share what each other likes and doesn't like, a great deal of the trial and error is eliminated. From there, it's just improving with practice. Don't be afraid to ask for what you want and be aware of your partner's comfort zones and ensure they are aware of yours.

Always leave room for compromising. If you're unsure about something asked of you ask yourself: is better that in this regard your feelings are paramount, at the cost of your partner presumably going the rest of your lives together without it? It can be a fine line to walk.. And don't ever use sex as a form of currency, keeping track of who got what or I'll do that if you paint the house or what have you. It would only serve to devalue it and rob it of it's intimacy.


It all comes back to communication. It is the foundation of any relationship - romantic or otherwise.
 

Dirty Hipsters

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Shanicus said:
Daystar Clarion said:
JoJo said:
Isn't everything learnt by trial and error to some extent? There's imitation I suppose, so you could try to imitate what you see in porn or a very accommodating couple of friends, but even so it'd take practice to get the hang of it yourself. For an unrelated example, no amount of watching videos of people driving or learning about the theory of driving will make you an expert the very first time you step into the driver's seat of a car.
I feel sorry for the poor people who learn how to have sex from porn.


It tends to be very misrepresentative of what actually happens. Some poor soul is gonna be very surprised when he discovers that pounding a woman's cervix isn't something she enjoys.
The worst part about porn is that it doesn't even show the getting to sex right. Like shit, if I'm bringing you pizza I either want to eat it or get paid for it, not leave it to go cold.

Priorities people, seriously.
No no, you eat the pizza during the sex. Try to get a TV in there as well at some point and go for the trifecta.

 

Zhukov

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Eh, no matter how much instruction one receives, one still needs to practise to become good at something.

A frank conversation with one's partner is going to help more than any amount of general instruction. Although I'm given to understand that that's easier said than done for some people, which seems a bit of a shame.

...

Colour Scientist said:
Where's Jayne?

The fuck is this?
And now you know how it feels.