Embarrassing sex-related stories
- Thread starter Relish in Chaos
- Start date
Recommended Videos
I was drunk and had a one night stand with girl. It wasn't very satisfying. We no longer speak. >.> I'm going to go forever alone now.
Long story short, I managed to jizz in my own eye during intercourse with my ex wife.
Yeah that shit stings alright.
Yeah that shit stings alright.
**checks your profile - no info**Sleekit said:
... what year did you graduate from college? Cause, your comment there reminded me of the time I was in a bed-breaking situation. And then it occurred to me that it was remotely possible that you might actually BE that ex-boyfriend. And if so... I should probably make sure before sharing that story.
Yeah... um... that caught my attention too. zeldafanboy, pads are generally thrown out after use, not washed. Washing one out... is actually kind of disturbing. I keep imagining it... ick.Vault101 said:
Look what you've done! I can never un-think it!
^^;; I assumed that he meant he knew where his mother (or other female person - sister, flatmate, etc) kept hers. Although they do use tampons for treating nose bleeds. I saw it on Sex and the City. Poor Steve.Vault101 said:
not to mention how inconvinet/time consuming it would beBara_no_Hime said:
you'd have to wander off every hour or so to go do laundry.....mabye even in somone elses sink
though like I said..Im sure there are hippie girls out there who choose less disposable options
I have heard the term.."cup"....I have NO Idea what that is..I DO NOT want to know what it is and this conversation is actually going somwhere horrible so I apologise
@Vault101: @Mortai Gravesend: @Bara_no_Hime: I hear the NZSAS (regular sas, soldiers etc) carry tampons for bullet wounds. Not sure if true though.
On topic, i dont have a personal story but..well see my room overlooks an alleyway (of sorts). One week i decided to record audio of myself sleeping and i would analyse it using audacity.
Around midweek for three nights in a row, cries of the beast with two backs would stir me from my sleep. I mean loud, screaming, "oh my god harder!!!" sex. Outside my window. Thought i was going crazy or having really lucid dreams.
So yeah....after some scrutiny on audacity, around 1 to 2am for those 3 days, a car would rumble up the alley and some couple went on and on for a half hour. Sounded like a damned porno out there...
On topic, i dont have a personal story but..well see my room overlooks an alleyway (of sorts). One week i decided to record audio of myself sleeping and i would analyse it using audacity.
Around midweek for three nights in a row, cries of the beast with two backs would stir me from my sleep. I mean loud, screaming, "oh my god harder!!!" sex. Outside my window. Thought i was going crazy or having really lucid dreams.
So yeah....after some scrutiny on audacity, around 1 to 2am for those 3 days, a car would rumble up the alley and some couple went on and on for a half hour. Sounded like a damned porno out there...
Ahh crying yourself to sleep when the loneliness becomes too much for you to cope with... good times good times :shazabaza1 said:
...good...times...[sub]bloody hell that train seems like a good idea now[/sub]
--------------------
I once stayed over at my friend's house (due to council cutting bus services and not telling anyone about it) and his gf was over that night too. I stayed on a sofa on the ground floor, with his room being a converted attic.
I woke up the next morning and looked out a window just before the sun rise. The Sun rose and then I heard what I thought was a rooster in the cliché beginning to the morning.
Then a few seconds later I realised it probably wasn't a rooster... roosters don't make that sound for that long... or pronounce names.
I think that is true (though I hardly expcet our freind was expecting some gunfire related action/injuries)Luftwaffles said:
mabye its just cheaper? and they work I supsoe...also come one...REAL men suck it up and move on..(not the tampon)Mortai Gravesend said:
ohh...no no no no noMortai Gravesend said:
I ment real men "suck up" petty things like "ewww it offends my precious masculinity"
and by "suck up" the tampon I imagined it getting lost in his wound and....
yeah as i said covnersation going wierd places
The story is too long, but it has an educational tip for guys. Guys, never go on a "workout" date (or at least be in shape if you do.) Summer after my freshman year of college I reconnect with a girl I dumped in high school (because the crazy.) I changed and matured a lot over that year and I figured she deserved another chance. Plus, her dad was loaded, like 7 figure salary 3 story house on a golf course loaded.
Yeah, I can give her another chance.
Anyway she has a membership at some high dollar "executive" country club gym, and she asks me to go work out with her. Now other than a semester in my college's marching band and a weekly game of racquet ball I had adopted an almost physical activity free lifestyle. The last time I had even been in a gym was high school where I had been in football and track. I was a big, stocky muscular guy back then (lineman, and shot put) and while I had gotten totally out of shape freshman year, I still had quite a bit of muscle. The guys at the "rich" gym were a bunch of skinny nerdly and business types, making me look pretty badass (by comparison only) lifting weights. And I was being verrrrry stupid and showing off to make an impression. After the workout I showered while she spoke with a friend. She said she could shower at home, and so we went to her place. She told me to relax in her room while she showered. I picked up a book from her bookcase (Arthur C. Clarke, she did have great taste in books) and sat back in the little recliner in her room. About the time she came out of the bathroom (in a towel far to small) I was making a distressing discovery.
I could not move.
As I had relaxed in her chair every muscle in my body that I had seriously overtaxed after a year and more of inactivity started to tighten up. When she took off the towel and sat in my lap, that turned into a series of muscle cramps running up and down both legs and across the now-flabby abs. And no matter how much you want it to, certain parts of the male anatomy don't work properly when you are in so much pain you vision starts to white-out. I went from looking "pretty badass" to "pathetic whimpering" in a shockingly abrupt amount of time. I did manage to wrangle the mess into some Florence Nightingale effect sympathy from her. "Aww, you did this to yourself to impress me. Let me take care of you." That unfortunately was after a couple of very awkward and embarrassingly unsuccessful attempts by her to "Let me do all the work, you just lay back."
I've been MORE stupid at times. But it never led to me looking quite as pathetic as I did that day.
"Who built this f*@%!#g police station." - Leon Kennedy
Yeah, I can give her another chance.
Anyway she has a membership at some high dollar "executive" country club gym, and she asks me to go work out with her. Now other than a semester in my college's marching band and a weekly game of racquet ball I had adopted an almost physical activity free lifestyle. The last time I had even been in a gym was high school where I had been in football and track. I was a big, stocky muscular guy back then (lineman, and shot put) and while I had gotten totally out of shape freshman year, I still had quite a bit of muscle. The guys at the "rich" gym were a bunch of skinny nerdly and business types, making me look pretty badass (by comparison only) lifting weights. And I was being verrrrry stupid and showing off to make an impression. After the workout I showered while she spoke with a friend. She said she could shower at home, and so we went to her place. She told me to relax in her room while she showered. I picked up a book from her bookcase (Arthur C. Clarke, she did have great taste in books) and sat back in the little recliner in her room. About the time she came out of the bathroom (in a towel far to small) I was making a distressing discovery.
I could not move.
As I had relaxed in her chair every muscle in my body that I had seriously overtaxed after a year and more of inactivity started to tighten up. When she took off the towel and sat in my lap, that turned into a series of muscle cramps running up and down both legs and across the now-flabby abs. And no matter how much you want it to, certain parts of the male anatomy don't work properly when you are in so much pain you vision starts to white-out. I went from looking "pretty badass" to "pathetic whimpering" in a shockingly abrupt amount of time. I did manage to wrangle the mess into some Florence Nightingale effect sympathy from her. "Aww, you did this to yourself to impress me. Let me take care of you." That unfortunately was after a couple of very awkward and embarrassingly unsuccessful attempts by her to "Let me do all the work, you just lay back."
I've been MORE stupid at times. But it never led to me looking quite as pathetic as I did that day.
"Who built this f*@%!#g police station." - Leon Kennedy
Vault101 said:
I believe Tampons were originally developed to treat bullet wounds and other similar wounds, but then they found....other uses for them as you know.Mortai Gravesend said:
That's all I had to say, No especially funny Sex stories from me, Sorry OP.
probably the funniest story I have is the ambiguity of my own virginity-losing/sexual-origin story. there are three of them and i'm not sure which one counts as my first...
during highschool I lied to everyone about having lost my virginity in middle school(junior high) to avoid ridicule for not seeking a girlfriend out of the cesspool that was my graduating class so nobody really ragged on me for any of these and just assumed that I was some kind of "suave sexual legend; a horny god among men" if you will. (as described by others) I'm neither of these things but I'm also not one to downplay those rumours should they arise
during highschool I lied to everyone about having lost my virginity in middle school(junior high) to avoid ridicule for not seeking a girlfriend out of the cesspool that was my graduating class so nobody really ragged on me for any of these and just assumed that I was some kind of "suave sexual legend; a horny god among men" if you will. (as described by others) I'm neither of these things but I'm also not one to downplay those rumours should they arise
I was 16, went to a house party at a girl from another school's place who apparently had a crush on me, and got downright muddled. My cousin, who i had come to the party with, didn't want to leave the party early just to take me home and decided to toss me in one of the upstairs bedrooms; As soon as my head hit the pillow I passed out. several hours later i woke up in a different room with the morning sun peering in from the window and splashing across the bed. there was a second body in the bed that had taken the position of the little spoon under the blankets with me. It was at that moment that I realized that how utterly naked all parties were under the sheets. I remained calm and layed there for a while as i had been pinned between this person and the wall. I surveyed the other person from where I was, there was short brown hair in my face, so my mind jumped to conclude that i had woken up with a guy because there were no girls at the party with short brown hair. then i realized that my right arm was draped over this persons body; I could clearly feel her female form and relief washed over me. right about then, the door swung open and an old looking guy barged in looking shocked and pissed off, this was her father. he just picked up my jeans and tossed them at me while violently motioning for me to leave, immediately. I did so and left without finding my shirt. the next day my cousin asked me where I had gone because i wasn't on the bed he had left me on when he came to get me and my cell was off. Later that day everyone at school was giving me a thumbs up because word had spread via text messages that the girl had shown up to the other school in my shirt! my cousin and I blew off class that day and went to the other school to get my shirt back and find out if this girl had raped me or just made it look that way. She claimed that I had made the move on her, but a friend of hers later confessed to helping the girl move my passed out ass to the girls room. I'm still missing that shirt and I never found out whether or not I actually did the deed that night.
I was 17, this was my first year of post secondary and I was trying out new things so i thought i'd go see a heavy metal concert! my buddy Hale and I decided to catch a cab to the venue which our friends at the Uni's heavy metal club told us was the V-Lounge. so we asked the cabbie where that was (because we both moved from different cities to the same Uni) and he said that he would take us there with a puzzled look on his face. I turns out that there are two V-Lounges in that city, the Vertigo Lounge which was a music bar that was our intended destination and the V-Lounge (I assume it's the vagina lounge?) which was a very grungy strip club; this is where we ended up. as we're getting out of the cab, unsure of whether we're at the right place or not, a big guy wearing biker leather clothes comes out of a side door and tells us that we're late, then he drags us inside and pulls us into a changing room. He'd assumed that Hale and I were male strippers and the club had been contracted for a tri-fecta of bachelorette parties all at once. the guy told us to get in costume and angrily started grumbling about how late we were and how he didn't want to hear our shitty excuses then he left the room. I started freaking out but Hale just told me to keep my cool and roll with it, then he found a bottle of on one of the tables and had me drink a substantial amount of it. so we put on the fire-men outfits and matching speedo's and were ushered onto the stage. we did the initial strip and dance before the women pulled us down off the stage and started bringing out the shots. shortly there-after the alchohol hit me pretty hard and things got hazy.
I woke up the next morning in a very luxurious hotel room in a room full of unconscious people (mostly women) who all had no bottoms on, including myself and Hale. and there were absolutely no pants in sight. I woke up hale and we made our escape into the streets where a paddy wagon found us wandering pants-less throught the streets. we explained the situation and the cop laughed at us and drove us to back to the dorms. I never did find out how phallic the situation became that night. suffice to say that the sexual health clinic was our next stop and we both were relieved to be pronounced squeaky clean as far as STI's go.
I woke up the next morning in a very luxurious hotel room in a room full of unconscious people (mostly women) who all had no bottoms on, including myself and Hale. and there were absolutely no pants in sight. I woke up hale and we made our escape into the streets where a paddy wagon found us wandering pants-less throught the streets. we explained the situation and the cop laughed at us and drove us to back to the dorms. I never did find out how phallic the situation became that night. suffice to say that the sexual health clinic was our next stop and we both were relieved to be pronounced squeaky clean as far as STI's go.
I was still 17, and I had been doing some major flirting with a very cute redheaded girl that I met in a co-op preparation class. she was incredibly shy and modest so getting her to hang out with me was a gut-wrenching experience of trying to be available on a moments notice should her schedule permit time to see me. Given her strict no-boyfriends if her father could scare em off upbringing, my very direct method of flirting with her obviously made her uncomfortable, but I did not want to give her the impression for even one second that I wasn't interested in her. After a while of doting upon her, I broke down her shy demeanor and her schedule started to clear up for me. she and I went on many dates and things were gravy but she didn't allow thing to get overly sexual, stopping us at making out and cuddling for the most part. This was torture for me, and for her I assume as well, but her christian values of "no sex before marriage" kept things PG rated for a while. I let her know my opinion that sex is an essential part of the relationship but told her that i would respect her decision to remain celebate. (essentially she wanted to wait till after marriage, and i wouldn't even consider marriage until after several relationship/sex-filled years, but we both just ignored the elephant in the room and had fun going on dates and stuff) It wasn't until she was hired on a 18 month co-op overseas that she started to worry about losing me because of the sex issue/prolonged long-distance. so one day she invited me back to her cluster-house to bake some cookies and celebrate her co-op placement. having recently seen the cookie baking episode of HIMYM Hale tried to convince me that it could only end in sex; knowing the girl however, chances were that she legitimately just wanted to bake cookies. turns out it was both. we popped the cookies in the oven and then the last of her room-mates cleared out knowing what she intended to do but was to shy for with such thin walls. so we had the most awkward sex ever timed between baking batches of cookies over the course of three or so hours until the flat-mates came home. None of them would eat the cookies so the cookies became our code for a booty-call and the equivalent of an after-sex smoke or chocolate (neither of us smoked)
in my mind she was always and will always be my first sexual partner despite the other two prior experiences that can neither be confirmed nor denied. She and I mutually broke up when she left on the co-op and she ended up getting hired right out of it for full time employment, I still e-mail her from time to time.
in my mind she was always and will always be my first sexual partner despite the other two prior experiences that can neither be confirmed nor denied. She and I mutually broke up when she left on the co-op and she ended up getting hired right out of it for full time employment, I still e-mail her from time to time.
wouldnt that have been really really sticky afterwards?DugMachine said:
ok my story
i was at a friends party and i was hooking up with this girl and we then went up to my mates room and started going at it. unfortunately she forgot to mention she had a boyfriend... a big boyfriend, like half man half bear half gorilla kind of big. and he walks in when we are in the middle of the act. and well long story short while my friend restrains him im running down the streets of Oxford half naked with half my clothes in my hands
Well my embarrassing sex stories revolve around my ex's mum and sister trying to walk in mid way through. Funnily enough the mum didn't realise we were having sex but the sister did. Also the first night I stayed around her house for the night, we were on our way up to her room when her dad stops me, her dad is a body builder and does kick boxing by the way, and says 'remember, I'm a light sleeper and a heavy hitter'. My ex then led me upstairs and started making out and undo my jeans, however, her dad had scared me so much, I could not get an erection.. He was a scary guy. Oh and a friend of mine told me a story that he was riding a guy and his room had a slanted roof. She hit the roof and knocked herself out half way through.
Also, just as a fun story. When my ex broke up with me, I walked back from her house and as i got to my front door i searched my pockets for my house keys. I had left them at her house... So i had to walk back to the girl who had just dumped me and get my keys back. Yeah, that wasn't fun..
Also, just as a fun story. When my ex broke up with me, I walked back from her house and as i got to my front door i searched my pockets for my house keys. I had left them at her house... So i had to walk back to the girl who had just dumped me and get my keys back. Yeah, that wasn't fun..