Escape to the Movies: The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

[DC_Josh]

[Snipped for less reading!]

Colour me satisfied! I come away the wiser. Nature vs Nurture is a subject close to my heart and I always enjoy discussing it. Lets not forget the human disposition is to be with their own kind and procreate with the opposite sex (apart from the ones that prefer their own gender). I just wondered if that marriage itself was ingrained into our systems, but your logic is undeniable.

 

[MasterChief892039]

[Snipped for less reading!]

Colour me satisfied! I come away the wiser. Nature vs Nurture is a subject close to my heart and I always enjoy discussing it. Lets not forget the human disposition is to be with their own kind and procreate with the opposite sex (apart from the ones that prefer their own gender). I just wondered if that marriage itself was ingrained into our systems, but your logic is undeniable.

Well there's another point. I'm not saying that marriage isn't ingrained in us as human beings, just that it's not ingrained in children. I think, depending on your definition of "marriage", that it is something that surfaces and becomes desirable once sexual maturity has been reached. There is definitely some sort of "instinct" for marriage, considering that all cultures and creeds around the globe have independently formed their own marriage rituals throughout time. But as I said before, I don't think it's something children are naturally concerned about.

 

[blankedboy]

Why did they have you review this? I mean, who among the Escapist's audience was possibly considering going to see this?

Me.

 

[MR.Spartacus]

And I eagerly look forward to the inevitable skewering Mike, Kevin, and Bill shall give this load of excrement in six months or so...

I think you speak for a lot of people there. The weird thing is that if done properly a premise like this could be "the next" Phantasm. Hilarious cheesy action. Unforunately it isn't and it won't

 

[Oskamunda]

Thank you so much for making up for that bonus edition of Escape with this excellent review. Didn't really go so far as to follow you on the frisbee thing, but the whole review was well-though-out, well-written, and unusually well-delivered.

Although I have to say that you did not include one of the most scary messages found in these stories:

That, at least if you're female, it is OKAY to dive headfirst into total, consuming, perpetual depression and self-hatred because not only does that make you brilliant, beautiful, and unique, but it almost guarantees that your white knight will come to deliver you from your own depravity. In fact, he will replace your father as your new father-figure, teaching you in the ways of the world, educating you on how to deal with life's problems in constructive ways...and you can fuck him, too! I think that Bella's severe Electra complex is one of the reasons she can't call her dad by anything other than his first name and cannot be engaged sexually by any man who won't cook her food and sing her a lullaby before nighty-night.

Along with the abstinence line of thought, I think it's also total bullshit that they can't KISS without Bella becoming consumed by passion, iterating to the masses of girls-and-boys-in-development that first base = out of the park home run, and that there is no other possible conclusion.

Nice review. Don't go see this movie.

 

[shadowstriker86]

Why did they have you review this? I mean, who among the Escapist's audience was possibly considering going to see this?

i think they just wanted to see how easy it would be for him to rip this crap series a new one

 

[LostTimeLady]

Excellent review Bob especially when most of what you probably were going to say about it you already covered in your review of 'New Moon'.

As for Bob's interesting analysis of the main themes in Twilight, I too am scared. Less about the abstenace thing (at least that can actually carry some feminist power behind it by woman refusing to submit to men and waiting until things happen on their terms. Ironically with the 'Twilight' books

Spoiler

it's EDWARD who resists BELLA's advances

(I haven't read the books I've recived the york notes from numerous fans)), more about the fact that it is giving the message that girls should commit young, being a mayflower is ok, and getting the whole wrong end of the stick about what that little thing known as L-O-V-E, love is.

I also find it disturbing that so many young women fawn over an undead Mr Rochester (Jane Eyre reference) charecter, who is moody, distant, cold (in more ways than one) and although he fawns over his one true love he still legged it for a whole flipping book! And was willing to 'die for her', what is this Romeo and Juliet? It all smacks of being just a little bit too creepy.

Young women need stong women role models to follow, women who don't think that it's ok to negotiate the terms of love, women who are strong and independant and have relationships on their terms when they're ready et al.

Do I sound cross? Possibly because Bob has hit upon the exact thing that was niggling away at the back of my mind about what was wrong with these books/films and I couldn't quite form it into words.

Goodness help the current generation of young women, who are about to get taken advantage of...

P.S. I have seen 'Twilight' and 'New Moon' simply to be informed about the subject. I tried to read 'Twilight' but couldn't stand it and so I stopped.

 

[Krunkcity3000]

Wouldn't it be awesome if someone took the Twilight premise and made a Anti-Twilight Rip Off. It would be totally dark and mature and had lots of blood and guts and sex. But what would be more awesome is that it would only appeal to guys. And men could roam the Earth ranting and raving about how hot such and such chick is in the movie and start acting like retards whenever the movie is brought up. So, women wouldn't get it and wonder what all the hype is about and the "Saga" would be 5-6 movies long.

WOULDN'T THAT BE AWESOME?

Honestly though, I find it funny that females who make fun of movie nerds act like total asses when this movie is brought up.

 

[Mortrialus]

God damn. Your rundown of the plot for this installment is probably the best (or worse) example of "Worse than it sounds" that I've ever heard. The use of Alucard, Nosferatu and Jon Talbain just cements that even further.

 

[MetallicaRulez0]

Movie Bob gets more entertaining with every review. Truly amazing, and I completely agree with your sentiments about the "message" of the Twilight saga. What is this, 1945? No one gives a fuck whether or not you're a virgin, unless you're 30 or something. Then it's just sad, not a redeeming quality.

 

[Aiddon_v1legacy]

Christopher Lee, Alucard, Jon Talbain, the Wolfman, Max Schrek, and Doris Lang are not amused by this crap. Luckily I have Blood+, Vampire Hunter D (who is still the most awesome bishie vampire EVER), Hellsing, Trinity Blood and a lot of other stuff to help with that. Speaking of which, WE NEED A NEW VHD MOVIE!!!

Anyway, it takes real lack of talent to make a premise as awesome as monster war completely boring.

 

[Joe Kilner]

I'm really confused by the eclipse hate-fest here (and elsewhere online). It was an OK series of books (I was forced to read some Dan Brown once, so the bottom of my "bad books" scale is set pretty low). I've read books with worse writing (and also with much better writing) but I wouldn't say it was half as bad a bunch of other stuff out there. And the films - well, lets remember that films like "Marley and Me" exist when we are calibrating our "rubbish films" scale.

And I didn't get any of the subtexts people keep reading in to it (yes I knew she was a mormon when I read it, and no I am not religious in any way shape or form). Other than maybe the stalking = love thing, but you know what - it's a story, people do weirder stuff in real life. There are pheromones involved. The number of books I've read (sci-fi and fantasy mainly) where *every* woman has only one desire, and that is to shed all clothing and have sex for as long as possible with as many people as possible is, well it's beyond count. I don't see a girl falling for her fetishising undead stalker is any less realistic.

I also really didn't see it claiming anywhere that marriage leads to happiness, in fact the whole thing is set against the backdrop of a failed marriage. I suppose at a stretch you could say it is saying that marriage can be part of a happy relationship, but really what are you guys smoking? Is this an American thing? Do I just not get it because I live in the UK? Are there secret subtexts there that I'm not getting? And I'm not being facetious here - there are some big cultural differences and I know some stuff just goes over my head.

Personally I think the real hate comes from the fact that another social group has appropriated vampires and done stuff with them that people don't like.

But seriously, get over it and stop playing up the faults like this work was some crime against humanity. It's not for you, you don't like it. You don't have to justify that by claiming that the books are an evil conspiracy to force all women to become brain-dead, semi literate, virginity obsessed drones.

 

[sanzo]

And I eagerly look forward to the inevitable skewering Mike, Kevin, and Bill shall give this load of excrement in six months or so...

Mike, Kevin, and Bill? I've not heard of these people before. Mind filling me in?

They're three actors from a show called Mystery Science Theater 3000, which basically consisted of those three watching bad movies and making fun of them.

The show isn't on anymore, but the (occasionally) three of them still do the same thing but with newer movies called rifftrax.

I've seen the rifftrax for both the first and second twilight movie, and I can honestly say I don't think I've ever laughed so hard in my life. The first minute of the second one had me in tears

 

[Burck]

Ya know, when I saw the "battle" clip at the very end, I wondered where the Frisbee had gone.

 

[JordanMillward_1]

Thank you Movie Bob, thank you.

 

[Hollock]

bob sees, a baaaaaaaaaad moon rising, bob sees trouble on the way, bob sees earthquakes and lightning, bob sees bad times today

 

[Seneschal]

Just watched the movie. Didn't make sense of half of it, still good fun. Here no one takes the series very seriously, so I had a great audience that was laughing at both the overly sappy serious parts and the humorous parts.

It ended up being a nice bit of stupid entertainment. No one's going to live by the Twilight code, just as nobody was adversely affected by the airport shootout mission in MW2 - human minds don't fall for this sort of escapist fantasy crap unless they're ill (see TwiMoms), and most fans grow out of the mania. Eclipse to me has the same value as Ilsa, the She Wolf of the SS; admirably incompetent in the story department, with a ridiculous premise, but extremely watchable. Don't go watch it if you don't want to support this kind of thing, but if it's free, give it a try. Without doubt, the films are very competently made, the trite and ridiculous plot is well paced, and even the most annoying character are presented well, even if their lines are HORRID.

If it's any consolation, this one introduced Watchmen-like flashbacks, and they really make it tolerable. Especially with Jasper's Civil War bits, those actually had me interested. And the scene with Bella's mom is pretty damn good. It still stands that the movie has a plot that simply does not deserve so many millions of dollars, and the hate stems from its attention-hogging. I mean, no one is bothered by Uwe Boll's House of the Dead being bad, they actually watch it because of it! But Twilight is when bad became profitable and stopped being funny for many people. Strip away the hate, and the films are well-produced below-average teen dramas with weird mormon propaganda instead of action. Which actually makes them more spoofable.

 

[Fearzone]

Women have had the whole independent girl power thing shoved down their throats for years and they are sick of it. Hence the backlash here, and the fanatical popularity it will no doubt have and the millions and millions this movie is going to rake in.

 

[Goenitz]

Domestic abuse victims. Your right, that is a scary thought.

Well said Bob, well said.