Escapist News Network: Blizzard Warning

Graham_LRR

Unskippable, LRR, Feed Dump
Nov 13, 2008
4,296
0
0
Blizzard Warning

ENN delves into the darkness behind everyone's favorite studio.

Watch Video
 

elexis

just another guy
Mar 17, 2009
68
0
0
Well you wont see me get sucked in to that whole blizzard-wow conspiracy, oh no!

Anyone up for a game of starcraft?
 

Zealous

New member
Mar 24, 2009
375
0
0
I love conspiracy theories. Especially the does that seem logical at first then go all "OMGWTFBBQ" at the end.
Awesome work as always.
 

crotalidian

and Now My Watch Begins
Sep 8, 2009
676
0
0
Activison Boycott....JUSTIFIED!!! They're all in it together to bring down the intarwebz!!!!!111one

good work. numbers were off but good work nonetheless
 

Surggical_Scar

New member
Feb 13, 2008
284
0
0
That was one damn fine crackpot rant. I doff my tin foil hat to you.

Also, anyone else slightly worried by 'Abusing the donkey'? That just sounds painful. And probably illegal.
 

dex-dex

New member
Oct 20, 2009
2,531
0
0
The rant reminded me of the rick mercer report but with cuts
I love that they describe it as "other"
and now i could go for a slushie at nine in the morning

EDIT: i would say that Florida looks more like a gun then a penis.
 

mattaui

New member
Oct 16, 2008
689
0
0
That was a lot more entertaining than I expected, you guys did a great job. Definitely making sure all my WoW friends take a look, though I think they know, it's already happening!
 

dls182

Viva La Squir
Jun 15, 2009
167
0
0
Wes Borg is a bloody crazy man!

30% does seem a bit on the low side for people fastening the chin strap on the helmet of love
 

Shockolate

New member
Feb 27, 2010
1,918
0
0
Hm.....

Graham reminds me of Donny Vermillion, the news reporter in Starcraft 2.

Yes, they're always nerfing paladins.

Goldshire is a great place to pick up chicks, why gotta hate Blizz?
 

Moriarty70

Canucklehead
Dec 24, 2008
498
0
0
Kathleen just inspired a new euphemism. I now proclaim the 254,448,963rd term for, you know, is "Raising the low-ball"
 

sansai

New member
Mar 31, 2010
16
0
0
BAH! That guy doesn't know what he is saying.

Countless drones aren't daily wasting away their lives farming, fetching or grinding for levels and loot.


Now if you excuse me I have a raid to attend.
 

Jared

The British Paladin
Jul 14, 2009
5,630
0
0
...Oh god, they only released a demo now? Jesus...took forever!

AND Wes Borg! Epic!!!
 

Seneschal

Blessed are the righteous
Jun 27, 2009
561
0
0
"Within 20 light-years!"
Oh god, I'm peeing. Pee is literally running down my leg.

EDIT: I see Kathleen still has the laser-shooting-vampire-chick hairdo.
 

hudsonzero

what I thought I'd do was,
Aug 4, 2009
319
0
0
part of me thinks that a blizzard employ is watching this and thinking "we could do that"
 

Yaxley

New member
Sep 23, 2009
121
0
0
Blizzard has the right idea here. I mean, it's not just world domination, it's world domination with an eye towards protecting the snack budget. All about priorities.
 

ironmace2.0

The Names Hans Olo
Mar 15, 2009
509
0
0
Kathleen had her hair like she did in LRR, looks good.

Thats has to be the most insane thing I have heard all day, glad I dont play Blizzard games!
 

unacomn

New member
Mar 3, 2008
974
0
0
He makes a good point, would a map of Florida get removed from Starcraft 2? It is shaped like dong.
Quick, does anyone have a map editor on hand to test this?
 

Sampsa

New member
May 8, 2008
431
0
0
AngryMongoose said:
OMG! Where did you get that guy!?
I presume that he is the same guy who let the world know about French-Canadian terrorist that are probably still holding our RPG elemts as a hostage.
 

Dukenstein

New member
Jul 14, 2010
171
0
0
I used to play on Moonguard when it was viewed as the hot new Rp realm. Boy do times change.
 

Pearwood

New member
Mar 24, 2010
1,929
0
0
Why do I just feel like I've had a conversation with a particularly awesome hobo?
 

Firehopper

New member
Oct 29, 2009
202
0
0
"Do you think Blizzard spends their whole time nerfing Paladins?"

Win. Also that guy was awesome keep him on.....or else.
 

Leigh Butler

New member
Jul 5, 2010
12
0
0
in meny ways, it's scary because it's true. I'm pritty sure Blizzard make more than the UK goverment... no wonder we can't aford anything...
 

John47

New member
Jul 19, 2010
167
0
0
i would like to see every server of world of warcraft crash and never reopen all those millions of nerds will get out of theyre basements and higher the birth rate lol
 

Patton662

New member
Apr 4, 2010
289
0
0
I don't care where you got Rex from, KEEP HIM ! Give him his own weekly column or show or whatever. Just don't let Blizzard get him!
 

MowDownJoe

New member
Apr 8, 2009
464
0
0
Sapient Pearwood said:
Why do I just feel like I've had a conversation with a particularly awesome hobo?
I know how you feel. That guy makes a convincing homeless conspiracy theorist. Hardest I ever laughed at ENN.
ReaperzXIII said:
Wow now we have our own Glenn Beck to combat Fox News! Go ENN
Because poking fun at Glenn Beck makes EVERYTHING good!
 

Graham_LRR

Unskippable, LRR, Feed Dump
Nov 13, 2008
4,296
0
0
MowDownJoe said:
Sapient Pearwood said:
Why do I just feel like I've had a conversation with a particularly awesome hobo?
I know how you feel. That guy makes a convincing homeless conspiracy theorist. Hardest I ever laughed at ENN.
I can't wait for the fan merchandise. I'm soooooo getting a Rex aluminum foil hat.
 

Richard Pippy

New member
Feb 17, 2010
5
0
0
I enjoyed the Rick Mercer style rant. I know it would have been tough to do a full out RM Rant since it has no cuts, but I think this one had way too many cuts and not enough camera shake. Just the right amount of hand gesturing though.
 

BioTox

New member
Nov 19, 2009
91
0
0
Fight the man! Wait... I own StarCraft, WarCraft 3/expac, World of Warcraft (all expacs) and StarCraft 2... Down with the world! I just wonder when Blizzard will buy a small country somewhere with all their pocket change.
 

Taco of flames

New member
May 30, 2009
228
0
0
Surggical_Scar said:
Also, anyone else slightly worried by 'Abusing the donkey'? That just sounds painful. And probably illegal.
I've heard it referred to as "flogging the dolphin."
OT: Crazy, awesome guy is crazy awesome.
 

mjc0961

YOU'RE a pie chart.
Nov 30, 2009
3,847
0
0
I enjoyed the "and have enough change left over for slurpees" bit enormously. Don't ask me why, it just really made me laugh.
 

JoeCool385

New member
May 10, 2010
68
0
0
Ever read the book Daemon? It's basically this. An evil MMO designer uses his genius and games to overthrow society.

Except he doesn't stop at just controlling the internet.
 

Supp

New member
Nov 17, 2009
210
0
0
That was the most amazing thing on the escapist since mailbox showdown.
 

Alar

The Stormbringer
Dec 1, 2009
1,356
0
0
crotalidian said:
Activison Boycott....JUSTIFIED!!! They're all in it together to bring down the intarwebz!!!!!111one

good work. numbers were off but good work nonetheless
This goes beyond Activision. Blizzard has been planning this for years, far before Activision had anything to do with them.

You thought Activision was the real evil? I think it's safe to say our Best Buddy Blizz has been keeping a few things from us...
 

Mr.Mattress

Level 2 Lumberjack
Jul 17, 2009
3,646
0
0
His hair reminds me of Weird Al Yanchovic. And his behavior also reminds me of Weird Al. Coincidence? I think not!!

Good job guys. First one in a while I found funny.
 

Wes1180

Wes1180
Jul 25, 2009
369
0
0
I was expecting it to be a plan for blizzard to buy their own country. Great episode.
 

Catalyst6

Dapper Fellow
Apr 21, 2010
1,362
0
0
My god... WoW is actually a complex program to develop an algorithm to hack the Internets... we are the Matrix! Ruuuuuunnnnn!
 

s2dio

New member
May 21, 2008
31
0
0
Have you guys moved to Ontario? And Rick Mercer wants his cameraman back.
 

DTWolfwood

Better than Vash!
Oct 20, 2009
3,716
0
0
Blizzard, you dastardly developer! we're on to you! D:<

lol comical episode hehe
 

Mangue Surfer

New member
May 29, 2010
364
0
0
One day they will make, "World of Duty: Guitarcraft!" Ah yes, the shit will hit the fan seriously.
 

Simalacrum

Resident Juggler
Apr 17, 2008
5,204
0
0
Wait... if Blizzard take over the internet... what happens to The Escapist...? D:
 

Mikester1290

New member
Jun 29, 2010
116
0
0
Dollys hat goes on

Dollys hat goes off

Dollys hat goes on

Dollys hat goes off

Dollys hat goes on..

aa

ohh..

oh noes,

Dollys been sick...
 

Graham_LRR

Unskippable, LRR, Feed Dump
Nov 13, 2008
4,296
0
0
Haha, this was an absolutely brilliant episode. This beats whenever I last said that that was the best episode. As this has been the best one.
 

Loonerinoes

New member
Apr 9, 2009
889
0
0
Melancholy_Ocelot said:
Dear Escapist,

Rex needs his own weekly conspiracy theory show. That was great.

Thanks,
Ryan
Agreed. That's a nice conspiracy theory really. Not presented over the top and using proper irrational logic that starts reasonably, but spins wildly out of control by the end. :)
 

Flamezdudes

New member
Aug 27, 2009
3,696
0
0
Chilling, very chilling. Blizzard is coming to take us by storm and rule the known world with a icy grip!

Great episode, you should really consider giving Rex his own show.
 

Vhite

New member
Aug 17, 2009
1,980
0
0
They already rule over 2 universes an now they want ours. AWESOME!
Now you seen why their next MMORPG is so secret, it wont be a game. It will be a reality.
 

Admiral Stukov

I spill my drink!
Jul 1, 2009
6,943
0
0
unacomn said:
He makes a good point, would a map of Florida get removed from Starcraft 2? It is shaped like dong.
Quick, does anyone have a map editor on hand to test this?
Or map of Scandinavia?
 

funkzillabot

New member
Dec 10, 2009
85
0
0
Ok, that dude is a loony, and I love him. He was just making sh*t-up on the fly. And what was his name? "Hobo Bob?". You guys need to bring his crazy-ass back. Next he can tell us about the "Airplane Jet Trails".
 

Graham_LRR

Unskippable, LRR, Feed Dump
Nov 13, 2008
4,296
0
0
Wow, even they mention the MG cracdown. I wish the server would go back to how it used to be.
 

PurpleSky

New member
Apr 20, 2010
2,055
0
0
It was only a matter of time until you picked someone like Rex to join your team. Oh ENN, you so crazy.
 

GodKlown

New member
Dec 16, 2009
514
0
0
Crazy rant my ass... we've already been shown an example of this behavior in a three part movie series. Perhaps you've heard of it... it was called The Matrix! Yeah kids, Blizzard wants a real life version of The Matrix! With the money they've made over the last six years, is it really that hard to believe that Blizzard could afford to construct a tower to house thousands of "gamers" to "play" their games... really, they just want to suck the life force out of people to power their servers so they can in turn drain their bank accounts to build more towers to house MORE gamers to continue this digital ponzi scheme in order to have the world's largest economy in their own studio! They will drain our biochemical energy to power their servers to keep their games running, luring more and more people into their games and sell them "guild housing" (those are the towers!) and invite them to "move in". Once there, they will hook them into the game through a new type of virtual reality suit that will convert the electrical impulses of the brain and their heat into usable energy. Our poop will be converted into a biofuel to run their damned hybrid cars and spaceships!

We are now officially through the looking glass here, people. The Matrix, Lawnmower Man, Virtuosity... these movies were all warnings about Blizzard and the appeal of online gaming and the dangers they pose on our future. You can't stop the machine, you've already fed the beast so much it can already become self-aware. Role-playing and LARPs will soon become the same thing in this "virtual world" in which we will no only inhabit, but will eventually literally give our very lives in order to keep it going. Where will it end? Will there be a Neo to unplug us from this cyber-apocalypse? There has been no government oversight to stem the tide of Blizzard's growth in this era, so while they've just been getting richer and more powerful, the government which is sworn to protect us has just been sitting on their hands, collecting tax money from this company and turning a blind eye to their unchecked growth and potential threat to the world. Their fanboys plague the internets with their relentless fanaticism and refuse to believe anything but what their Big Brother Blizzard tells them. They will blindly follow their leader into the depths of their insidious plans to rule this world, and eventually conquer the entire universe, spreading the StarCraft and WarCraft virus to alien civilizations and peoples until all are under the spell of Blizzard.

Unless Will Smith gets his act together, we're all screwed. Oh shit... Seshin! Damn it, they've gotten to Will Smith. Those crafty bastards have all the angles covered. That's it, game over man. We're officially done for now. Get Gene Hackman and his Faraday cages ready, it's time to join the ranks of the Mole people and Saul.

(Top THAT, ENN!)
 

Contun

New member
Mar 28, 2009
1,591
0
0
DO NOT RESIST. BLIZZARD SHALL ENSLAVE YOU ALL. BOW DOWN TO YOUR NEW MASTERS.
 

thorin01

New member
May 15, 2010
45
0
0
That was just about a near perfect conspiracy rant.

I was surprised Wes/Rex didn't mention the development time for Starcraft 2 when he talked about patience.
 

Talvrae

The Purple Fairy
Dec 8, 2009
896
0
0
GrahamS said:
Blizzard Warning

ENN delves into the darkness behind everyone's favorite studio.

Watch Video
erm... make years isay Blizzard is overrated...
 

Macgyvercas

Spice & Wolf Restored!
Feb 19, 2009
6,103
0
0
I love the conspiracy theorist. Can we see more of him?

And by the way, I have never heard that many metaphors for masterbation in such a short amount of time.
 

WaderiAAA

Derp Master
Aug 11, 2009
869
0
0
The best thing is that many would have believed this kind of conspiracy if it didn't come from a comedy show.
 

Prince Regent

New member
Dec 9, 2007
811
0
0
Wow.. I'm a fan of ENN but this is the first time I see a show that combines good humor and good acting. Way to go new guy! :)
 

BehattedWanderer

Fell off the Alligator.
Jun 24, 2009
5,237
0
0
Can we get every episode hereafter to end with Kathleen saying several euphemisms for masturbation and masturbatory behavior? Because that's an absolutely astounding way to finish anything.
 

Adventurer2626

New member
Jan 21, 2010
713
0
0
hudsonzero said:
part of me thinks that a blizzard employ is watching this and thinking "we could do that"
This ^ I hate the Corporate States of America. I miss the United ones :*( Activision Blizzard is fast turning into another Microsoft. Why must we addictively feed their moneylust?! And to think I own both Diablo II and Starcraft I. I am ashamed. *anxiety pill*

I love me some good satire. Also, yea 30% is a very conservative figure.
 

ShrooM_DoughKiD

New member
Jan 14, 2010
344
0
0
210 million... A month.. Damn.. Now I want a job at Blizzard.

Seriously though, it was a good episode, with a great actor, he's been in other episodes but I'm glad to see him as a reporter now, and it does raise some questions as to what Blizzard is doing with all that money..
 

DeAvatar

New member
Mar 27, 2009
131
0
0
Sapient Pearwood said:
Why do I just feel like I've had a conversation with a particularly awesome hobo?
You also? Glad I wasn't the only one!

33% for molesting that donkey! Just don't ask WHAT they're slapping the weasel to. >.>
 

Vohn_exel

Residential Idiot
Oct 24, 2008
1,357
0
0
"Have you ever seen a map of Florida?" was not a line I was expecting. I almost spit out my pop tarts, that was great! I like these indepth special reports, we should have more of them!
 

Devil's Due

New member
Sep 27, 2008
1,244
0
0
Now I'm afraid to log onto StarCraft 2, they may be watching me for future experiments into the human mind and playing one of their games. Curse them, I cannot disobey!

<3

PS: I seriously want a tinfoil hate. I've never had one, but I want one.
 

wonkify

New member
Oct 2, 2009
143
0
0
Funny as always but an episode without a Quickbender report is vaguely unsatisfying.
 

beema

New member
Aug 19, 2009
944
0
0
That guy was awesome. the Blizzard piece was hilarious... and disturbingly informative
haha
 

The Big Eye

Truth-seeking Tail-chaser
Aug 19, 2009
135
0
0
stukov961 said:
unacomn said:
He makes a good point, would a map of Florida get removed from Starcraft 2? It is shaped like dong.
Quick, does anyone have a map editor on hand to test this?
Or map of Scandinavia?
But you see, the Scandinavians would never think of that. That's the difference between Europe and the U.S. Americans are always talking about their wangs. Scandinavians have come to accept them.

Anyway, that was remarkably good conspiracy material. Best ENN i've seen since last week, and I mean that in all sincerity.
 

Redlin5_v1legacy

Better Red than Dead
Aug 5, 2009
48,837
0
0
I'm scared friends, I'm scared.

Time to actually stop procrastinating and dig that bunker!

*looks for shovel*

[sub][sub]People are lowballing that number.[/sub][/sub]
 

vxicepickxv

Slayer of Bothan Spies
Sep 28, 2008
3,126
0
0
Dr. Awesome Face said:
Ha Ha Kathleen's hair is still blue.
That wasn't the part that seemed off to me. The part that seemed off was that her hair was parted differently in the previous episode.
 

Graham_LRR

Unskippable, LRR, Feed Dump
Nov 13, 2008
4,296
0
0
Nice job making fun of conscious consumers, I heard the companies using child labor to keep the costs down while selling their products for 200$+ and the weapon industry needs some help too with their image, why don't you head that way next?
 

Reverend Del

New member
Feb 17, 2010
245
0
0
I, for one, welcome our icy cold overlords. No, I'm not being made to say this, no-one has any of my family and neither are they threatening to kill them. Honest.

This guy is clearly a nutter, nobody sensible would think Blizzard wanted to rule the world.

[sub][sub] But I sure do wish they'd take these electrodes of my testicles[/sub][/sub]
 

Zombus

New member
Apr 29, 2009
199
0
0
Imho; BEST. ENN. EV4R.

Crazy conspiracy theories aren't presented to the standard populace enough for their symptoms to be easily recognized. So not only is this funyy as hell, it's also a public service.
 

aubreym

New member
Oct 3, 2009
57
0
0
i am a philosopher, i always found the yin yang to depict our existence, however not in a spiritual way, there are other misconstructions that point to the yin yang (an existence within a nothingness).
 

Dmatix

New member
Feb 3, 2009
248
0
0
I for once embrace our new Blizzard overlords! All hail Blizzard! ( Please don't cut my internet, I need it for my...interests...).
 

rddj623

"Breathe Deep, Seek Peace"
Sep 28, 2009
644
0
0
You guys are the best news source around! As for me, if Blizzard keeps bringing out amazing games they can have my internets!
 

ClanCrusher

Constructive Critic
Mar 11, 2010
116
0
0
I know this is supposed to be a satirical, comedic, conspiracy theory, but it really does make you wonder. What is Blizzard doing with all that money? Scary thoughts people. Scary thoughts.
 

Lordpils

New member
Aug 3, 2009
411
0
0
BioTox said:
Fight the man! Wait... I own StarCraft, WarCraft 3/expac, World of Warcraft (all expacs) and StarCraft 2... Down with the world! I just wonder when Blizzard will buy a small country somewhere with all their pocket change.
Fuck a small country they could buy Russia with that money and rename it Azeroth.

Also what good game did Grin make?
 

UtopiaV1

New member
Feb 8, 2009
493
0
0
I have to get all my RAAAAAAAAGE out now, thankyou ENN! I have work to do, and instead i'm gonna be doing this! I hope you're happy...

Grin studies made some absolutely goddam fantastic games. That's just not personal preference either, that is scientific FACT. Take a look at this:


That is the single most awesome box art ever. Anyone who disagrees is lying or insane. And the game was incredible too. It truly is the Fastest Game on Earth?. Hover-jetbikes... racing down tunnels at Mach 10. There is nothing about the previous sentence that doesn't make me cream my pants. No doubt about it, the best sci-fi racing game ever made. Move over Wipeout, get lost F-Zero, this is the BOMB!

Then, they follow it up with two of my favourate FPS's of all time, Ghost Recon Advanced Warfighter 1 & 2. Now, if you've played the other Ghost Recon games, then you'll realise the GRAW series was a far cry from the originals tactical depth and roots in Tom Clancy Novels (by Advanced Warfighter they had dropped Mr Clancy's name from the title). But to be fair, Ghost Recon 2 was a big disappointment, and the original Ghost Recon was starting to look very dated. These two FPS's, instead of just trying to be clones of its forerunners, tried to step in a bold (but not necessary new) direction of being straight-up FPS's with little to no tactical depth. True, you could still order teammates around the AO and plan assaults, using the latest technology to spy on the enemy with satellites or an automated aerial drone, but it didn't have the same huge open areas or varying weather and environments that the first GR did, which really allowed an armchair general to come into their own. But still, it was a pair of amazing games, the graphics were absolutely incredible, and can still hold it's own with any titles today (at least, the PC versions can). If you've never played them, they're difficult, but you're missing a treat.

So maybe Grin's latest titles have been awful (Bionic Commando, Wanted:Weapons of Fate), but that doesn't besmirch their earlier work! Salvador Dalí's later work was shit compared to his earlier stuff, but at least he didn't have publishers breathing down his neck trying to get him to make rubbish movie and arcade knock-off games!

I'm so sorry to rant, but i really feel you did Grin an injustice there. They were a pioneer in their day, and you judge them based purely on what they've made in the past 2 years. If a man be judged by the sum of his actions, then let a Games Developer be judged by the sum of his work. And Grin's good games far outweigh their bad ones.

Besides, look at the next game they had in the pipeline, Fortress! That looked incredible. I think we all missed out on something special there. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fortress_(Square_Enix)
 

Freyar

Solar Empire General
May 9, 2008
214
0
0
Oh my god.. I'm actually in this episode?! That's footage from the first Protocol 42 when they tried to turn Protocol 42 into a monthly thing. That scared me absolutely ****less to first recognize the room, tables, and then I see myself AND my father?

...

For the record, I was attempting to play EvE Online, my father was playing Trackmania. The internet connection was horrible so no one could stay connected to anything. ;)
 

Grahav

New member
Mar 13, 2009
1,129
0
0
Considering that the internet is most used for "other" and that Blizzard lords have tendencies to ban the "other", wouldn't it be equal to killing the hostage?
 

deadtroll

New member
Jun 15, 2010
2
0
0
"What does that guy's shirt say?"

The shirt I was wearing says, "Your Favorite Band Sucks".
- wes
 

squballs1234

New member
Jul 9, 2009
247
0
0
LOL Blizzard is going to use all it's money and buy Zimbabwe and rename it "Azeroth" (or maybe "the Eastern Kingdom").
 

Comieman

New member
Jul 25, 2010
120
0
0
Ya know, as far as Big Blue keeps making good games like SC2 and Cata, I am cool with it.

You can have my heart, hand and internet at any time Blizz!
 

Boba Frag

New member
Dec 11, 2009
1,288
0
0
Listening to Kathleen intone "jerkin' it, pullin' the pud, slappin' the weasel" had me in stitches XD

More because I wasn't expecting that particular phraseology...

I loved Blizzard Warning! Bring that guy back for more conspiracy theories!

Glad to see I'm not the only one with contempt for Bungie's "reward" for the people who still have a PC copy of Halo: Combat Evolved...

What about people who bought it on the original Xbox, Bungie?? What about the people who gave you your mighty powers??

I love this show to bits- keep on keepin' on, guys!
 

Medibob

New member
May 18, 2009
1
0
0
i love wes borg used to listern and watch three dead trolls in a baggie hes a legend