Favorite Professor Quote

[Zacharine]

Top three:

Upon a student asking for a weekend to finish a twenty-page assignment:
"Procrastination is like masturbation: All well and good, but one day you wake up and realize that you're just f***ing yourself over. Allow me the illusion of hope that it will be done by monday 8am and I will allow you the illusion of hope that it will not affect your grading..."

Math professor, upon being asked why he uses so many brackets in his formulae:
"I like brackets. They remind me of the swastika."

And physics professor, upon giving an example of differential calculus in basic Newtonian systems.
"Assuming air resistance is a linear equation, with factors of object's speed and density of air being the only variables, how hard would I need to kick my wife, weigh 75kg, to the arse in order to send her to a stable orbit around the Earth and never to be heard of again?"

 

[Zetsubou]

Our director was making an announcement to the two drum majors about music for the homecoming show. Both of them are attractive females. "You two are gonna have to fight over the songs you want between yourselves. Gonna have a good old fashioned mud wrestling competition." It was one of the biggest WTF moments the class has ever had.

 

[Gxas]

A guy in my Comp Sci class was reading Twilight during the lecture. My professor asked him what he was reading. The kid responded, "Twilight, well, the second book in the series. It's my fourth time reading it." My professor, without missing a beat, replied, "Well... I mean, thats cool... If you want to talk to twelve year old girls."

 

[blackshark121]

While taking off his sweater, "I'm sweating like a whore in church."

My roommate asked me if I was alright when I read that, I laughed so hard.

 

[cobra_ky]

one of my professors woke up a kid who was sleeping in class and snoring loudly. he said he didn't want him to wake the other sleeping students in class.

he also set the deadline for the final paper after the last class. he told us to email it to him if we hadn't turned it yet, but he also told us he had already submitted our grades. one of these days i may actually get around to writing it.

 

[feather240]

A guy in my Comp Sci class was reading Twilight during the lecture. My professor asked him what he was reading. The kid responded, "Twilight, well, the second book in the series. It's my fourth time reading it." My professor, without missing a beat, replied, "Well... I mean, thats cool... If you want to talk to twelve year old girls."

Was he that kind of person...

 

[lwm3398]

Buddha! Jesus! Satan, you owe me!

Oh. School professors. Nothing really noteworthy, I have rather bland teachers.

 

[Gxas]

Was he that kind of person...

The kid? Or the Prof?

 

[Trivun]

Today my Geometry of Curves and Surfaces lecturer complained that we were all Geordies and refused to admit it. He also spends half of each lecture plugging a book he wrote last year that's just been published. Kevin Houston, the guy's name is, University of Leeds. Awesome guy and great lecturer, but we do get some laughs from his lectures Not much opportunity yet though, I've only had two lectures with him since last semester and they were both today...

Also, my old school has two epic teachers who both teach Physics. Here are their Uncyclopedia articles that people at the school did:

- Johnny Rockett [http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Johnny_Rockett]
(I've always found it amusing that he teaches Physics and his last name is Rockett...)

- Steven Thorpe [http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Steven_Thorpe] (aka Thorpedo)

Note that the Thorpe page was once a lot better and a friend of mine created both of these, but some bastard who we know thought he could do better, deleted the page and tried to do his own version, then only half of it was put back when he realised he was an idiot and had failed. However, on both pages there are some pretty funny quotes

 

[woodwalker]

My History After 1500 professor said that the German government in between the end of World War I and the rise of Hitler (Wehrmacht? if forgot what it was called) "Fucked away the people's money" in reference to the their printing of money to the point that one-billion Marks were equal to one US Dollar.

I think that what I said to him has stuck in his mind, as well as that of the rest of my class-mates: in reference to King Louis' reason to built Versailles, "I'm the king, so screw you."

 

[Roxilla84]

My political science professor once said, "Nobody wants homosexuals in a foxhole with them, I sure as hell don't."

He said this when asked about gays in the military, I should also mention my professor was a veteran.

Quite frankly, I want someone who is covering my ass to think my ass is cute.

 

[DragonsAteMyMarbles]

"Using this method, Levene tried to deduce the structure of DNA... and ended up with horseshit."
- Jim Reid, University of Sheffield

Also, not a quotation as such, but one of my lecturers has a habit of throwing sweets at people who answered questions. That's motivation for you.

 

[brutopian]

My high school physics teacher hated one of his colleagues for being an incompetent kiss-ass. Its not really a quote but during a competition at school we were in the auditorium with my physics teacher sitting in front of me and the hated teacher was walking down the aisle. me and my friends pointed him out to our physics teacher to hopefully get a funny reaction.

Long story short, he mimed an asshole-licking.

 

[cheese_wizington]

Biology teacher:"It's organism, NOT orgasm."

Haha, I remember in like sixth grade we told this kid to say orgasm instead of organism when he read.

The teacher never corrected him.

 

[Thaius]

Heheh, just remembered another one. My favorite English professor ever introduced himself to us the first day of class, and said he grew up in the 60s. "Yeah, I'm really old: I grew up in the stoned age."

Made me laugh.

 

[feather240]

Was he that kind of person...

The kid? Or the Prof?

The kid.

 

[Gxas]

No. He just loved the books.

Now, honestly, I have read them, and they are not at all as bad as they are made out to be. I really enjoyed them. Would never read them in public though.